#joe soup’s christmas countdown
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Dec 8th - A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby
let’s round out this trilogy of netflix original christmas films shall we with “A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby”
much like it’s sequel i expected this film to suck and it turns out to have proved me wrong again as the film was better than i expected. it wasn’t as good as the prior film but it was still better than the original. the film is back at it again with investigations and a twist big bad guy this time lending elements from murder mystery dinner party tropes as “the thief is someone in this room”. this time instead of government funds being stolen it’s a sacred treaty between the two kingdoms which if not signed before midnight on the 24th of december that means war and the first royal born child after the treaty’s theft will be cursed.
all of this plays out while Amber is heavily pregnant with the whole cast coming back for her baby shower apart from Rudy who is stuck in new york arriving just in time to meet the newborn princess.
i don’t have many complaints about this film. it fixed the pacing issue that the last film had and keeps the plot smooth throughout and throws out red herrings such as Simon and Lynn being suspicious and Sahil saying the treaty was tacky to distract from Mr Little being the one behind it all. we also actually get to see the dungeons that have been referenced throughout the trilogy. it truly does feel like a good film to round off a netflix original film trilogy about some royal family in a small made up country during christmas time.
my only complaint is that the title still makes no sense. they could have rectified it by having them have a baby boy and him being born on christmas would therefore make him the “christmas prince” but no they have a daughter instead do the title remains inaccurate.
overall i’d rate this film a ★★ and a half/5 stars.
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--------------------------------Chris Fleming ‘Car Rants’ Sentence Starters
some may be nsfw or triggering. change pronouns as needed.
Adventure Dad
“It is such a turn off to see a family have scheduled fun.”
“Witnessing an adventure family in the throes of an outdoor activity makes me want to put myself in a pelican’s mouth and tell him ‘Just drive.’”
“The smile of a father with three sons- all of whom snowboard- is so confrontational, it reads as indecent exposure.”
“Connecticut is like the high-schooler wrestling with whether or not he can pull off a baseball cap.”
“You know that kind of ‘I’m gonna go through a shoplifting phase and get away with it’ shade of blonde.”
“You’re looking at me like a greeter at the Apple store.”
The Majesty of Homophobes (& Makeup Tutorials)
“The thing I’ve always admired about townie homophobes is how effortlessly they hold a beer can.”
“This is the kind of body you look at and you’re like ‘he’d probably be okay in space without a space suit.’”
“I almost envy that beer can- to be held like that.”
“That’s the next Pixar movie right there. The story of one homophobe with the cards stacked against him on a journey to prove that he is just as backwards thinking and emotionally repressed as his crew.”
“She’s one of those girls who looks like she might be lip gloss disguised as a person.”
“I happen to have really big pores. As you can see, I have two really big pores here at the bottom of my nose.”
“They call me Popcorn _____; I don’t know why. I know why. I eat all the popcorn.”
“What I love about this eyeshadow is it says ‘the only song I’ve ever heard is Pour Some Sugar On Me and I’m not sure where Seattle is.’”
“This is a great blush if you’re serious about robbing a TGI Fridays.”
What To Do If Your Boyfriend Proposes on Christmas Eve
“This may seem harsh, but he needs to be treated like the night lizard that he is.”
“It’s a partnership. You think Ben snuck up on Jerry one day with a waffle cone and took a knee?”
“For a guy who thinks that musicals are ‘kinda gay,’ you’re behaving a lot like the kind of guy that Rogers and Hammerstein would dream up while sixty-nining on a piano.”
“Nothing gives me the heebies and the jeebies like when the boyfriend consults the parents before he consults her.”
“Unless you rode out of your mother’s uterus on a BMX bike, popping a wheelie, there is no excuse to be named Zach.”
“Quiche is just pizza that went to private school.”
“The Boston Globe should be written in size 72 comic sans. You get more information by reading the cover of Cat Fancy.”
Theater Kids
“Theater kids keep to themselves for most of the year- giving each other back rubs in black box theaters or three-way kissing at cast parties in Chinese buffets- but every so often, when Broadway goes Hollywood, they will descend upon Regal Cinemas like locusts in jazz flats.”
“If you ever see a theater girl in a sling, just know that it was a Frozen soundtrack related fender bender.”
“It’s like Minotaur; you don’t wanna make it mad but you certainly don’t wanna turn it on.”
“Enlisting your facebook friends to help you choose your headshots is on the same moral level as taking people and keeping them prisoner in your house for fifteen years.”
Jimmy Buffett
“Everyone thinks the biggest threat to America right now is ISIS, North Korea, global warming. Nope, it’s Jimmy Buffett.”
“On the eve of your fiftieth birthday, Jimmy Buffett slides down your chimney and tries to convince you to throw in the towel.”
“Let’s get fat tonight. Shit out your dreams in a TGI Friday’s.”
“Get in a fistfight with your son at an Applebee’s. When the waitress breaks it up, plant one on her cheek and complain about the president.”
“Quit your day job and help me throw chicken nuggets at my neighbor’s fruity son.”
“Every day is a vacation when you are a huge fuck up.”
“I used to have dreams and hopes and ambitions, and now look at me. I’m at a poolside bar and I couldn’t name a book if I had to.”
D Batteries
“Anything that requires D batteries needs to get over itself.”
“Here is a list of things that would make sense to power using a D battery: a mini cooper, a small plane, Bjork, a Carnival cruise ship, a fucking lighthouse, Disneyworld.”
“I would have bought neither and saved the money for a cruise where I can get close enough to suck on the coral reef and tell a platypus my secrets.”
“I need to you to make it near a popsicle because I want that summertime vibe because I miss summer and I miss my girls.”
“Everyone talks about how great the working conditions are at Google but no one will go into specifics. What does that mean? One word: Pokemon. They’ve bred Pokemon.”
“Wait until Diglett realizes he doesn’t have a mouth. Then you’re gonna have to call up Laura Dern and Dennis Nedry ‘cause you’re gonna be in a whole world of bullshit.”
Halloween Candy Countdown
“What kind of a prude eats a Crunch bar? You might as well just eat toast.”
“Charleston Chews should be sold at Home Depot in the lumber section.”
“This is a candy that predates women’s suffrage and it tastes like it.”
“I feel like Area 51 is just 3 Muskateers headquarters and it’s where they keep their filling.”
Blocking Your Ears in Public
“I’m talking about the kind of guy you’d see at a Home Depot kneeling down in the lumber section, just praying that his son’s not bi.”
“She is in the eighth ring of Dante’s Inferno where you have to jack off a Minotaur while eating a jalapeno.”
“I firmly believe that president Michelle Obama and first lady Joe Biden should send them to Epcot center to live and die on the teacup ride.”
“You can’t name yourself The Edge, especially when you look like a shut in trying to muster up the courage to go to a little league game.”
Baby Got Back brings out the worst in people
“Does everyone think that they’re the only person who knows all the lyrics to Baby Got Back?”
“Look, I’m happy that you know all the lyrics but please don’t scream them into my cheeks.”
“The pride and rage that these people are feeling; it’s a real cole slaw of emotions.”
“I’m just alone on the dance floor. I’m in the middle of what, to a non-English speaker must look like a prison riot.”
“Everyone’s looking at me like I’m at an Eyes Wide Shut party uninvited.”
Purple Cauliflower
“Barney’s stuck under the veggies and only his pubes are showing."
“We gotta get Barney out of here! Let’s not make Baby Bop a widow tonight!”
“We’re gonna have to make Grimace breed with a cauliflower.”
“This is not a veggie. This is an STI that Tinky Winky picked up in a jacuzzi.”
NYU
“Oh my god, NYU? Lena Dunham’s crabs went there.”
“If only we could find a way, as a nation, to harness the power of the erections that NYU students have about going to NYU.”
“NYU is just girls in fedoras trying to get addicted to cigarettes.”
“Whenever anyone gets to the end of those Buzzfeed quizzes, their laptop camera should just miraculously turn on, forcing them to confront that haunting, pasty image of themselves.”
“Why do I look like an owl prostitute?”
“I am thrilled to announce that I have a five year unpaid internship changing Marina Abramovic’s diaper.”
Bread Bowl
“Panera is just McDonald’s that studied abroad in France and came back wearing a beret and cigarette jeans, thinking it’s the shit because it got fingered by a mime.”
“Was nobody gonna tell me that a bread bowl is just a Trojan horse for soup?”
“Who owns Panera? Ashton Kunis?”
“I need to see an angry movie. I need to watch Hercules, I’m so mad right now.”
“Somebody call Wayne Brady ‘cause I’m gonna die tonight! I don’t know why I brought Wayne Brady into it but I did.”
“Ben Folds’ music is just him screaming people’s names, banging his elbows against a baby grand.”
“I love to get post traumatic stress during my lunch.”
“Somebody send me into space because I can’t be a part of this world anymore. It’s getting too embarrassing.”
“If I wanted to be publicly humiliated, I would stand outside Macy’s and announce that my husband doesn’t have a happy trail but that my daughter does.”
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Dec 4th - Falling For Christmas
oops may have forgotten to actually write this review so my bad.
anyway Falling For Christmas, much like the previous films i watched, is a strange one. Overall it’s an alright film but it has this empty feeling to it like it’s missing something that would make the film more than alright.
while i was watching this film i was talking to one of my friends and after i described the plot to him he said that it “sounds like a christmas film from the 2000s” and i can see what he means and i feel like the film would’ve worked a lot better if it was made in the 2000s. the film also featuring Lindsey Lohan in the only added to this feeling the film was released in the wrong decade.
i picked this film to watch because i thought the premise was interesting. “rich girl looses her memories and recovers in a bed and breakfast ski place during christmas” what’s not intriguing about that? but the film didn’t do much to go behind that which is fine i guess but i wanted them to do more about it.
i enjoyed her fiancé also getting lost in all the snow and ending up stuck with some random guy in which he forms a friendship with instead of him immediately going back to the hotel and abandoning her.
Overall i’d rate this film ★★/5 stars.
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Dec 7th - A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding
the catch up continues with the second instalment of A Christmas Prince. i fully expected this film to suck balls but surprisingly it didn’t. even more surprisingly i think this film was a step up from the last film.
the film started out kind of slow with the arrival of Rudy and Amber to Aldovia and them settling in but it picked right up about the half an hour mark when Amber’s friends came to visit. as that’s when they began investigating the missing funds.
the search for the missing funds was the best part of the film because it let the characters spend time together and led to a dramatic reveal as to who was siphoning the funds. it also gave something for Simon to do in the film after turning up to the palace after loosing everything in his divorce at the end of the first film.
going into the film and seeing Simon return i fully expected that he was going to be the main antagonist of the film and instead he helped out in finding the real big bad of the film Lord Leopold. sure he probably had nothing better to do than annoy everyone else and was probably just looking for an excuse to raid through the records hall anyway.
i thought Rudy throughout the film delivered a lot of fun especially when he brought the children to the kitchen to decorate biscuits.
i didn’t see the film setting up Simon and Melissa (i’m pretty sure that’s her name) but after i saw that i knew they were going to set up Amber’s other friend too. and speaking of who that friend was up with my favourite moment of the film was Sahil running through various pillars searching for Amber.
overall i’d rate this film ★★ and a half/5 stars
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Dec 6th - A Christmas Prince
as my catch up on the days i missed for this countdown continues i’ve begun to run out of films that catch my eye and would make some sort of noteworthy review so i’ve deceived to watch a trilogy of films so i don’t need to figure out what different film is next and i can just move onto the next.
“A Christmas Prince” was exactly what i was expecting in most ways and it stayed close to its base concept. a woman with hopes of becoming a reporter at her job is tasked with writing a story on the king-to-be of a small country who’s surrounded by gossip of scandals and of abdication. when she gets there she manages to weasel her way into the palace and get up close and personal with the royal family and ends up falling for the prince she’s writing the article about. she ends up uncovering secrets regarding him that get exposed and he’s no longer going to be king but miraculously at the last moment she finds a loophole in which he can still ascend the throne. and at the end of the day she leaves her job and begins living on cloud nine because her singular blog post did well and she gets the guy.
there’s not much wrong with the film or it’s concept it’s just a matter that i’m not really into it. i just couldn’t connect with the characters and i thought the accents were of the royals a little silly.
there’s a few cute moments in the film such as when Amber sneaks Emily out to go tobogganing to bond and cheer her up that i really enjoyed.
but i’m still confused as to why the film is called “A Christmas Prince” because he’s not a prince by the end of the film and it’s not like he was born at christmas or anything so why is it called that? and all of the subsequent films in the series retain the same title even though he’s no longer a prince. they could’ve named the film something like “A Christmas King” since he’s a king-to-be and he’s crowned king during christmas time which would make much more sense.
i also had a hard time telling Richard and Simon apart most of the time since they both wear suits mainly but from what i’ve seen of the sequel they seem to have changed Simon’s design to where he has stubble, his hair is gelled back and he truly looks like he lost everything in the divorce (which i didn’t even realise he was married in the first place). i also found it weird that he just turned up outside her dad’s diner in new york unannounced and then just proposed to her right then and there. i feel like there wasn’t much build up to that moment so there wasn’t much pay off when she said yes.
overall though i’d rate this film ★★/5 stars
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Dec 5th - A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish
one of the various bizarre films to follow in the series of A Cinderella Story films and though it features a main character who’s dream is to sing a lot like “A Cinderella Story: Once Upon A Song” but this one is set apart because it’s a christmas and the main character spends most of her time in an elf costume.
one thing i can say for definite about this film is that it sure is a clone of the original film. and there’s nothing really more to say about it in that regard.
the film overall was alright and i knew going into it that it wouldn’t live up to the original cinderella story. it’s a nice watch if you just enjoyed the original and aren’t afraid of a downgrade or if you’re a fan of Laura Marano playing a teen who’s biggest dream is to become a singer songwriter then this is the film for you.
this review is pretty short but i don’t really have much to say about this one other than it was better than the last few films i’ve watched for this countdown.
overall i’d rate this film a ★★★/5 stars
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Dec 3rd - Christmas On Mistletoe Farm
This film has been on my radar basically anytime i visited the coming soon page on Netflix so i felt like i might as well watch it as part of the countdown.
Right out of the gate after i watched the trailer for the first time i could smell that this film was going to be a “Nativity” clone of sorts. It reeked of a similar concept of a workaholic guy who looks after many children (wether his own or a class) forgetting the meaning of christmas and being made to find it again with the help of the comedic relief character. Now I have no problem with “Nativity” from what i’ve seen it’s an enjoyable film to watch at christmas time with your friends and family and so i figured that this would be the same.
And i was semi-right. I could tell that this film was made for families with young kids to watch in the holidays and as a film that teachers can put on for primary school kids as school winds down at christmas.
I thought the film was alright, i think it achieves what it was intended to be: a feel good British family christmas film. Not achieving anything more though i don’t think it was really necessary. Beano in my opinion was a bit annoying especially in the beginning but when he toned down his energy he was a bearable character. I wish that the film didn’t use the dead mum card so much and i wish the children didn’t use the dead mum card to emotionally blackmail their father either. I also thought that the inevitable “romance” between the dad (who’s name i’ve forgotten) and Miss Ashley was a rushed job nearer the end but that’s just my opinion.
Also it’s total bs that the dad was still alive. Why was he alive? it was really unnecessary what the hell?
I’d also like to say that the kids did a really good job acting in the film especially considering that most haven’t acted in many things before.
Overall i’d rate this film ★★/5 stars
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Dec 2nd - Angel Falls Christmas
Another late night watch and man it sucked so bad. I went into it knowing that it was going to horrible just by watching the trailer but i wasn’t prepared for just how boring and lacking in everything this film was. It got so boring that i fell asleep within the first ten minutes of watching it and had to continue it the next day.
I really didn’t like this film if you couldn’t tell. It’s just missing a lot of substance that would’ve made it an alright film. The characters for example i didn’t connect with any of them on any level and they all just felt so bland and their lines (especially Gabe’s lines) all being awkward and delivered robotically.
I don’t know what i was expecting though because it’s just like any other generic christmas film featuring conventionally attractive white people and a main character who has to find the christmas spirit to become happy. The only thing this film added were angels and their inclusion was dumb and only to set things in the plot in the motion by forcing events to happen with their angelic powers of delivering miracles. I have nothing against angels but these ones were just kinda boring like everybody else in the films so they just kinda blended in.
Overall i’d rate this film a 0 out of 5 stars.
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Dec 1st - Tokyo Godfathers
In the early hours of December 1st i decided it was finally time to watch Tokyo Godfathers as it was about to be removed from Netflix. And what better idea than to include it as part of my christmas countdown since the film takes place around christmas to new years.
When i began watching the film i was going in essentially blind with the only thing i knew about the film being that it was about a baby that got abandoned and was now being taken in by three homeless people. And what i got was even better, a story about found family as three homeless people set out to return an abandoned baby to her true parents as they face their own pasts and grow closer together in the process of the journey.
I loved the art style of the film and i really enjoyed the soundtrack also. It was particularly interesting hearing carols i’m used to hearing be sung in English be sung with Japanese lyrics. There were also some beautiful shots of a Tokyo covered in snow.
I was caught off guard by the twist that the woman who they thought was Kiyoko’s mother wasn’t actually her mother and instead a woman who had stolen the baby from a hospital in grief of loosing her own baby and being under the illusion that if she kidnapped Kiyoko she could remake the family that she had lost. I honestly thought that the story was just going to end after Hana and Miyuki gave the baby to her but instead it escalated to an entire car chase to retrieve Kiyoko.
I really felt close to the characters as they opened up about their pasts and how they ended up where they are in the present and i’d be lying if i said some moments didn’t bring me to tears.
Overall i’d give this film a ★★★★★/5
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now that it’s officially december 1st i shall reveal my evil schemes for a sort of christmas countdown!
i plan on watching a christmas film everyday until christmas as a way of counting down and a way to get frequent posts up on the blog when i’m gonna be pretty busy this month to be watching writing any reviews (i will try to write reviews for sonic prime and avatar: the way of water when they release though)
i’ll attempt to write a review everyday for the said films also but i can’t guarantee they’ll be up on the same day though…
let the countdown begin!
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