#just at totally random times or when i find myself spiraling into a heavy depressive episode at work | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

little-forget-me-not · 7 years

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Oh man! I just found out about a term (non-official but apparently one many people identify with) called “depression attack”.

And it’s really accurate to what I’m familiar with :0

Quoted from this reddit thread:

“My life has always been plagued with depression and anxiety but on most days I feel normal. Normal for me means I still have that feeling of emptiness but I’m functional. But on some days, something triggers that attack. Like maybe people getting on my nerves too much or that feeling that nothing is going right. I think having no control over my life was what triggered my depression in the first place. When I’m somewhat reminded of that I sometimes spiral into that depressive black hole.

The heavy feeling lasts for a couple days for me (not continuously but on and off) though. I usually become moody and I don’t want anything to do with people. And I cry a lot when I’m in my room alone.”

“I totally understand this. I will literally be fine one minute and then suddenly…“oh god…I’m going to be alone forever…she never loved me…I’ll never be successful…I’m going to fail all my exams and everything is going to go horrible”. And it’s the worst. It’s the worst feeling in the world because all I can think about is my impending doom and as soon as it happens it’s all I can think about and it’s impossible to get off my mind.

It happens when I’m alone, going to sleep, or if I’m in public with other people and it goes quiet and it’s just suddenly me alone with my thoughts, amongst other times.”

“Same here. I will get hit with random waves of overwhelming sadness the ebb and flow and then crash back into me again but I will spend the whole day crying at my desk over everything and nothing. It’s only started recently and it took me a while to figure out what was going on because the feelings aren’t like my usual panic attacks”

"I can relate. Only recently has it gotten less and less debilitating but when my random episodes happen I shut down. Unable to speak properly or feel any shred of happiness at all. One thing I found important is to find your triggers. Mine happen not necessarily when I’m alone, but when I find something that makes me realize I’m alone. It could be a picture, it could be a song, or it could even be an observation of a couple on the bus. It’s the little things that bug the hell out of me. One minute I’ll be happy and worry-free, and the next minute I’ll hit rock bottom and lose control.

I feel for ya OP. I do. Because this hell is anything but fun.”

It’s what I call low tide. A little understated maybe but...haha I’m kinda relieved there’s a coined term for this in the community. My “depression attacks” tend to happen on Sunday where the desolation, acute loneliness and emptiness is buffed and at max power, taking me out like a freakin’ supereffective move. The suicidal ideation and fear is so strong then. It’s on Sundays I need distractions or I’ll spiral and fray.

Depression sucks. Suck my dick!!!

One of the coping mechanisms I have is to write about how it’s going, and how I feel, refusing to repress, suppress or deny myself. Venting, essentially. During my high tides I’m usually off doing stuff that makes me happy instead of hanging around tumblr. ...which probably gives the illusion I’m sad all the time since my blog unfortunately ends up being my venting ground when things get bad. And even then I feel bad about it.

It’s weird how depression exists as this empty void that sucks life out of you. I can both be elated and depressed in the same hour. Sobs it’s ugly. No one likes depression or depressed people. It just sounds miserable and unfun and the stigma that comes with it makes me struggle to hide it from others to appear neurotypically normal.

Sobs but I’m not “normal” am I.

There’s no shame to that.

Yet I do feel the shame if I am honest with myself. Ashamed and inadequate and…unsafe. I don’t feel safe in society and with one of my biggest fears being misrepresented and misunderstood, having clinical depression as a shackle constantly paints you wrong. It’s like…desperately and continuously wrestling with a venomous snake while trying to come off as fun and happy, optimistic and productive 24/7. Which is really hard to do when you have this stupid parasite omggoshhhhh. Not that it’s unmanageable...! But sometimes it is.

The absolute worst is to be accused for being lazy when you’re trying all you can to just hold on and ride it out. On my end, it sure doesn’t feel great to do all you can to hang on to driftwood, treading water and being battered by wave after wave without end, cramping up, blistered and sunburnt and encircled by sharks, barely able to breathe and not wanting to withstand it at times...and having to watch others sailing past you without a care in the world, doing things and having fun and achieving things that you wish you could do. Oh BOY do you want to do that, but you’re in the water and they’re not, and then some asshat in a boat spits on you and calls you lazy before speeding off and breaking your driftwood. IT’S NOT FUN. And it’s not fair.

It’s hard not to hate it sometimes.

Sometimes you try so hard...but you are overwhelmed anyway. Or unlucky. Sometimes you get on a boat, but a storm hits and throws you over. Or your boat crashes. Or has a leak. Or someone comes in and steals your boat.

What I’m trying to say is that this stupid depression thing is like being forced to play a game you didn’t even want to play stuck on an Insanely Hard mode. Not that others don’t struggle in life too, but the playing field is just...not leveled out yknow? Everyone starts on different playing fields and sometimes it’s...so disparate. I try so hard. I’m proud of that. But I’m also aware how many people don’t see it. While that shouldn’t bother me, it does because it ends up affecting how people respond to me or misinterpreting or just...yknow, you lose out.

Gosh, I had someone so dear to me once, taking my MI personally and somehow faulting me for them. Which is so not cool, honestly. I don’t need “help” in the sense where I want people to “fix” me. No one can do that and I would never demand that from others. All I ask is for patience and understanding and an openness to see me as I am, free of judgement and criticism. It’s what creates a safe space for me. For this, I am immensely and intensely grateful for my bff who has been with me even before this thing was a thing.

I honestly don’t ask for that much.

But yeah, society is...very rough and quite unforgiving at times. The stigma of mental illnesses in general is a disgusting and terrifying one and I hate living it. Hate having to explain myself. Hate being made to feel weak when I feel it enough on my own already. GOSH GUYS.

My heart goes out to the people in the thread ;___; it’s...gosh. It’s not fun. C’mon who doesn’t want to be able to function on a daily basis.

The thread made me realise something that seems obvious but was something that I apparently didn’t think about: triggers

It’s important to identify triggers so one can try to avoid it and whatnot. Of course it’s easier said than done HNGH. This is why I try to prepare food on Saturday so I can feed myself on Sunday when I am suddenly just unable to function.

Recently it’s been...a lot harder. More stuff set off these “attacks”. ...especially after them. ...and all the future job shit worries...no wonder it got worse. I have so many more subconscious triggers now.

Anyway you have to admit, it’s pretty cool how I can wrestle with a depression-python the size of a train everyday and still genuinely laugh and give thanks to the little things in the world and get out of bed, feed myself and bathe myself and go to work and get work done and sometimes even write or draw and make constant attempts to socialise. Heck, I can make myself do the laundry too. Or even make a resume aaaaand okay I haven’t gotten to the job finding part yet but...it’s something! It’s something. ...and it’s something society takes for granted. I don’t think I should be ostracized and be mistreated when I get overwhelmed sometimes.

OK I just really wanted to talk about this or smth. peace...!

#rei talks #ABOUT #DEPRESSION #depression attack #low tide #mental illness #stigma #long post #im cool

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