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etraytin · 6 years

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"do you have any feelings on the breakdown in season 6 - did Josh realize he'd pushed too far in Germany for propriety's sake? was Donna hurt that he turned cold, or did he just not give her the attention she'd given him after Rosslyn?"

I have a lot of feelings about this time period for Josh and Donna, as I'm sure pretty much anybody who ships them does. I've visited the subject a couple times before, most notably in Closure and Sirens, so if you've read those, you already know a lot of my headcanons for all the things that went unsaid during that time. But let's see what else I can lay on the table here.

Josh was thrown really badly by Colin Ayers showing up at the hospital in Germany. For a few brief hours, he thought he had everything figured out. The threat of losing Donna brought a lot of things abruptly into focus for him, like how completely lost he would be without her, how much she really meant to him. He was ready to call it love, right up until the point that he realized that Donna might possibly not be feeling the same way as he was, a possibility personified by a suave and handsome photographer who seemed to be more than just a friend. Josh is super-duper bad at talking about his feelings with anybody, including himself. He generally deals with them by either stuffing them into the backmost corners of his mind or channeling them into whatever sort of aggression is handy, whether that's dragging half of Congress to death to get his agenda through or going outside and yelling at the sky. Sniping at Colin passed the time but was ultimately unsatisfying, and he wasn't about to have a go at Donna herself, so he went the stuffing-down-his-feelings route. He got way up into his own head, where it's hard to see what's actually going on.

By the time Donna was awake enough to be having coherent conversations, Josh had convinced himself that what he felt for Donna was the same thing anybody might feel for a really good friend who'd been put into danger as a direct result of his actions. (Guilt is one emotion Josh is pretty much never able to stuff down.) Donna is adept at reading Josh, so she saw that guilt right away, hiding whatever might have been suppressed underneath it. The trouble with guilt is that it is a very needy emotion. It needs absolution, it needs forgiveness, and for the really stubborn flavors, it might need those things again and again and again. It didn't matter that Donna never blamed Josh; because Josh blamed himself, he needed absolution that at the same time he was convinced he did not deserve. There were only so many times Donna could tell him it wasn't his fault, only so many times she could watch him look miserable because she was hurt. She got stuck in the position where she needed comfort, but showing that she needed comfort just seemed to make Josh feel worse because he was so absorbed in the idea that it (like pretty much everything in the world) was his fault. She quickly started easing away from his efforts to help her because that was preferable to watching him go to pieces every time she couldn't bite back a moan of pain. They talked, sure, they talked everyday, but it was banter, patter, never anything too real or too deep even after Colin left. Josh didn't stay too long after that anyway, since he needed to head back for the peace talks.

There's a very squishy amount of time that passes before, during and after the peace talks before Donna comes back to work. A complex open femur fracture can take between 12 weeks and 12 months to heal, but the most intense period of physical therapy tends to be within the first four weeks after surgery. There is no possible way that Donna would be in a wheelchair and putting in full days at the office a week after surgery, but then again, there's also no way they put those peace talks together so quickly, so obviously there were several weeks encompassed in the montage that ends with Debbie straightening the place settings at Camp David. During that time, Donna completed initial recovery at Landstuhl, then flew home with her mom to Wisconsin and the really excellent orthopedic surgeons at the University of Wisconsin hospital in Madison. Josh pulled some strings to get her transport back to DC during Third Day Story so she wouldn't have to fly commercial with her leg the way it was, which is why she arrived at Andrews that day in pretty decent shape and not needing a lot of personal nursing care that would mean she couldn't live on her own. (Just go with me here, I know it's complicated but this timeline is all jacked up and I'm doing the best I can!)

In any case, by the time Donna got back to work she was getting better, but she was nowhere near better. Sitting or standing for a long time was very painful, and she'd still be spending a considerable amount of time each week in physical therapy. Add to that the incredible stress the entire White House was under during the transition between Chiefs of Staff, and it was not an environment conducive to mental health or healing. Donna understood that, she'd done enough research on stress and PTSD to recognize it in herself, though. Kate didn't have to lay it out for her for Donna to understand what she was getting at, or to be able to name her own list of symptoms. She didn't make Josh's mistake, she did get therapy when and where she could, but federal insurance isn't that great and there was never any time. As long as the symptoms weren't disrupting her life she could get by. As for the "get angry over everything, cry over nothing," well, nobody was responsible for making her feel better but herself, even though when the situation had been reversed, she'd put her life on hold to fix Josh. She tried not to be resentful about that, and tried to ignore the way that her resisting the offers he did make to help were pretty textbook symptoms as well.

Donna had wanted a change in her job even before everything had happened. She was a great assistant, but she was ready to be more than that. She had the brain to be anything she wanted, but she'd thrown away her college opportunities to stay with Dr. Freeride, and now she found herself seemingly in the same position, albeit a slightly more lofty one. She knew Josh needed her support, but so had her old boyfriend and look how that had turned out. Seeing Charlie graduate and get a "real" job with advancement potential was just salt in the wound. Yes he'd had to work hard, but the President had supported him, made room in his work schedule to make education happen, and was now encouraging Charlie to bigger and better things. There wasn't much opportunity for Donna to take classes in the fifteen hours a week she wasn't working or sleeping, and the one time she'd floated the test balloon of a new job or new position, Josh had shot her down so dismissively that it was pretty obvious he couldn't even conceive of her moving on. It hadn't been so bad back then, almost an extension of their endless banter about her wanting a raise, but in retrospect it rankled. By the time she started scheduling lunches with him she was feeling overworked, underappreciated, unheard, and like somebody who'd once been her best friend and more was a huge contributing factor to a lot of her problems.

Josh, for his part, wasn't totally unaware of Donna's problems, but they were nowhere close to being on the same page. Josh had more than enough troubles of his own to be dealing with during this time, reversals and disappointments both professional and personal, and a lot of weight coming down on his head. He understood, mostly, why Leo hadn't chosen him for COS but it still bothered him some, especially when he wound up picking up a lot of slack for CJ while she was getting up to speed on policy. He'd meant to help Donna with her transition back to work, but he found her hard to deal with when she was being prickly, and she didn't seem to want a lot of help getting around or carrying things. He figured she didn't like people thinking she was weak, a major concern he himself had felt after Rosslyn, and tried to back off to let her feel stronger. That was apparently not the right thing to do either, but damned if he knew what he was supposed to do, besides all the things that were very inappropriate for work and absolutely not right for people who were just good friends.

In the ever-shifting landscape of his priorities, Josh wound up doing what he'd been doing for years, shifting what he couldn't deal with to Donna and trusting that she would backstop him on whatever might fall through the cracks. Unfortunately in this case, one of the things he couldn't deal with was Donna herself, and shifting that burden was a mistake. Like the guy who doesn't check or rotate his tires as long as they're working because they've always been fine before, it wasn't until there was serious danger that he started taking notice at all. And like that guy, he made himself a promise that he'd fix things later and just hoped that if he ignored the problem, things would ride along okay for just a little while longer. A blowout was basically inevitable.

#the west wing #headcanons #josh x donna #fanfiction #josh lyman #donna moss #Anonymous

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