#last day in Makkah I'm gonna cryyyyy pls no 😭

[bintturaab]

The last time I came for Umrah was 11 years ago, and being back in Makkah and Madinah is so emotional on so many levels.

Back in 2012, I remember ardently praying to Allah to let my parents accept my change as a Muslim, to let me wear the niqab, among many other things. Returning here for the 2nd Umrah of my life as a niqabi now, chokes my heart with so much emotion subhanAllah. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I can't believe that I actually get to go out like this, because of the years and years of fighting and struggling I've had to do for it. But alhamdulillah the end result always feels so sweet ♡

The last time when I was here, I made so much dua for my people, for my beloved companions, none of whom are with me anymore. None of them. The ones who still are here, the way they've become, it doesn't really count. Now I'm making dua for a whole different set of people, whose existence I didn't even know about the last time around. I love them all, but thinking back to the ones I started my journey with, it makes me feel some type of way that I cannot name. Somehow I'm back to square one, but having lived a few lifetimes in between.

I remember how 11 years ago, being able to visit the House of Allah and beseeching Him there with a heart full of conviction, literally changed my life when I returned, for the better. All the hardships, which were honestly so much worse than anything I have now, all went away alhamdulillah. It was nothing short of miraculous.

When I return this time, I hope my life transforms for the better once more, bi idhnillah. Somewhere between these years, I've lost all hope in this dunya. My heart is a different type of broken than it was before. But there's no way we could ever lose hope in Allah, when He is the source of all hope, عز وجل

{وَلَوْلَا فَضْلُ اللَّهِ عَلَيْكُمْ وَرَحْمَتُهُ وَأَنَّ اللَّه رَوُوفٌ رَحِيمٌ} ♡

#last day in Makkah I'm gonna cryyyyy pls no 😭 #already left Madinah and I'm never gonna be home anywhere else again #my heart is here fr #spilled thoughts #matters of the heart