#like. it baffles me because. because. im ace. and if im ever gonna be attracted to any f/os in an intimate way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

gastricpierrot · 7 years

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Title: When Stars Align

Series: Daiya no Ace

Pairing: KuraRyou

Rating: T

Summary: Nothing good ever comes out of an intimate relationship between a human and a youkai, Ryousuke knows. He’s heard more than enough stories on betrayal, on disasters, on families being shunned. And being an onmyouji, he knows better than anyone else.

And yet, he lets himself fall.

Note: im late aGAIN AHAHAH im gomenasorry

Also on AO3

[Ch.1][Ch.2][Ch.3]

[Ch. 4]

As per usual, Ryousuke’s greeted by the foulest mash of aura to ever grace the land of Japan before he even sees the first signs of the Capital city.

He squints towards the distance as though to judge the night itself, chanting a spell under his breath to strengthen the layer of barrier between himself and the abomination of the Capital’s presence. Really, he fails to understand how anyone with even the slightest spiritual sense would be able to remain there for even a week. Ryousuke could feel malice pressing against himdespite being this far away; nauseating, making it difficult to breathe. It’s another reminder of how baffling human adaptation could be, he supposes.

He turns back to poke at his fire, exhaling a slow breath through his mouth. He’s high-strung. The Nine-tailed Fox; the overbearing city; him being so far away from familiar territory—it all builds up as pressure in his chest. That’s not good. He can’t let it affect his performance, can’t let his guard down for even a second if he wants to come out of this with minimum setbacks towards his own wellbeing.

They’re watching. He can sense youkai practically surrounding his campsite; curious, wary. Ryousuke keeps his gaze towards his fire, having learnt by now that it’s always better to ignore them as long as they don’t stir up some kind of trouble. Stay away, he makes sure the message’s extra clear anyway because he really doesn’t have the mood to spare dealing with them at the moment. If you value your life, I’d suggest for you to keep that distance.

Fortunately for him, none of them are stupid enough to test him, and he manages to find some sort of rest through his final night of travelling.

Despite the overwhelming youkai energy infesting it—so much so that even Ryousuke has to pause before strolling in past the layer of barriers—the mortal side of the Capital is lively as ever when he arrives. It’s late afternoon and the streets are packed with people; parents trying to keep their children from wandering too far off, errand boys shouldering bulking sacks as they hurried to their destination, people leading their horses by the leash, carts transporting goods and the higher class. As he makes his way further towards the city centre, canvas stalls and wooden houses are gradually replaced by solid buildings and stores, unnamed lanes to developing districts.

Unsurprisingly, youkai are also everywhere.

Ryousuke sees them everywhere he looks. In the urn at the entrance of that restaurant, perched on rooftops, lounging on people’s hats and shoulders, peeking from alleyways. There seems to be even more of them than Ryousuke remembers, both in number and variety. The barriers have no doubt worked to keep youkai out, but it’s also trapping those who manage to slip in from exiting. Most of them look harmless, but it’s not unusual for even insignificant youkai to manage something bad if they had enough numbers. What was the Bureau doing, letting it all progress to this point?

“Ryousuke-san!”

Ryousuke focuses towards the direction of the voice, taking a moment to spot its owner among the loose crowd of people around him. A young man in the Bureau’s standard uniform wades his way towards him, features set in a grin brimming with underlying mischief.

“Kazuya,” Ryousuke greets, “skipping out on your job again?”

“Straight to the point as always,” Kazuya winces slightly. “But nah, you were taking a bit of time to arrive so I volunteered to come escort you in case you got lost or something.”

“If you had that much free time, you could’ve done something about this place.” Ryousuke makes a vague gesture around them. “You guys are probably used to it, but it reeks here.”

“Oh, believe me, we tried,” Kazuya says, falling in step with him. “We’ve done our best to keep the larger and stronger ones under control, but the small guys are just endless and plain stubborn. With all that’s going on recently, the Head eventually decided to ignore them and focus our efforts where it’s needed more.”

Ryousuke hums, peering towards the first signs of the Imperial Palace. He knows better than to voice it there and then, but the timing of it all is too suspicious for it to be a coincidence. It’s not difficult to guess that the Fox’s presence is what’s causing this sudden influx of youkai everywhere; the malevolence is so profound this close that Ryousuke could almost feel her physically behind them, watching their every move. He clenches his fists, fighting to keep his sudden wave of irrational fear in check. Stay calm. I’m still in control, he reminds himself firmly. I’m still in control.

“Come to think of it,” Kazuya continues, though Ryousuke senses the growing discomfort in his tone. They had never gotten along all that well, so having their conversations die down after some quick exchanges have never been rare. He guesses Kazuya must be pretty unnerved himself, to make the effort of keeping it up this time. “How’s my dumb cousin doing?”

“Knowing your kind, you’d have to specify which one you’re referring to,” Ryousuke remarks, chuckling his apology at Kazuya’s subtle expression of long-suffering pain before going on. “But if it’s Eijun we’re talking about, all I can say is that he still hasn’t quite grasped the concept of an ‘indoor voice’.”

“I’m surprised you still haven’t exorcised him after this long,” Kazuya observes, to which Ryousuke only shrugs. “Did Haruichi ever end up making him his familiar?”

“I don’t think he’d want to even if he could,” Ryousuke says, “though it’s not like their relationship would change much even if he did.”

“Nothing less to expect from Ryousuke-san’s brother, huh?”

Ryousuke smiles, otherwise making no further comments. Fortunately, he doesn’t need to. He nods his greeting at the guards on duty at the gates of the Bureau as he passes through, finding himself subconsciously taking comfort in the familiarity of his surroundings. The Capital City may be a madhouse compared to the tranquillity of Ryousuke’s village, but at least his workplace pretty much has the same vibes wherever he goes.

“I expect you should know your way from here, so I’ll be leaving first.”

Ryousuke doesn’t even flinch when he turns and faces a completely featureless Kazuya. “Sure.”

Kazuya’s expression is one of exaggerated disappointment when it blinks back into existence. Ryousuke doesn’t know why he even tries. That trick has long gone stale for him, after all those years of trying to console and convince a much younger Haruichi that no, Eijun’s face isn’t gone for good he’s just kind of terrible at transforming. At least Eijun’s improved a lot on maintaining his human form now; Ryousuke’s had enough of all the times he’s called to investigate a place for a noppera-bo sighting only to have Eijun running over a bit later to apologize for his carelessness. He’s in fact mastered it to an extent that it’s easy to forget he’s a mujina at all, since he barely ever reverts back to animal form now.

Ryousuke takes a deep breath only after Kazuya leaves, putting the thought aside as he heads to report his presence. Now’s not the time for reminiscence; it’ll only make his situation feel more dreadful than it really is, more final. He’s got to focus.

It’s far easier to focus on what he has to do than what might happen to him in the process.

xXx

Haruichi winces at Eijun’s fifth sneeze, silently hoping he wouldn’t return his handkerchief until he’s at least given it a rinse.

“I’m okay,” Eijun declares before he can ask, running the cloth messily under his nose after taking a huge, messy sniff. He mutters his thanks when Haruichi passes him a glass of water, gulping it down with a sort of comical exaggeration his almost every action always carries. All his life, Haruichi has arguably not seen anyone as extra as Eijun when it comes to… well, a lot of things. He supposes he’s partly responsible for that; Eijun’s somewhat grown into the overly boisterous image of himself he’s tried to project for his sake when they were younger despite knowing how risky it is for him to attract so much attention. They were fortunately able to cover up for all his misses over the years; it’ll be a pain if people were to discover that one of Kominato Ryousuke’s younger brother’s closest friends is a youkai himself. Though with their lineage, Eijun being a youkai in disguise is the least they’d feel scandalized over, honestly.

“Is it because of the dust, I wonder?” Haruichi muses aloud as Eijun works to clear his nostrils. Eijun shrugs, trailing behind him towards one of the shelves in Ryousuke’s study. Haruichi scans over the neatly lined books, picking out the few he thinks would contain the information he wants.

“Are you looking for more stuff about the Fox or whatever that onii-san’s gonna face in the Capital?” Eijun asks, squinting at a title on a book spine with words even Haruichi can’t read. Haruichi hums, adding one last book to his stack and making his way back outside and to his own room. “You sure you want to know more, though?”

Haruichi knows he means well, asking that. Even if he doesn’t have the ability to change anything, he wants to at least be prepared for any worst case scenarios. Ryousuke might try playing it off as the usual, but Haruichi is aware that the match-up this time could not be worse.

“Say, Harucchi?” Eijun speaks up a bit after they’ve settled down on the floor. Haruichi makes him wait until he’s finished the sentence he’s reading before glancing up at him, prompting him to go on with a slight raise of his eyebrows. “I know I’m probably not in the position to ask, but is there something wrong with onii-san?”

He shifts uncomfortably when Haruichi straightens to face him properly, reaching to rub the back of his neck. “How much did you overhear the other day, exactly?” Haruichi asks, already contemplating over how much he should reveal. There are some things he simply doesn’t have the right to tell, not if he respects his brother.

And he respects him a whole lot.

“Uh, everything, basically,” Eijun admits hesitantly, tensing in expectation of a few sharp words from his companion. “I remember you mentioned about something acting up?”

Haruichi falls silent to that. They’ve always managed to keep Eijun away whenever Ryosuke’s episodes happened, haven’t they? Eijun hadn’t been close enough to him yet for frequent sleepovers during the times when Ryousuke would still spend entire nights alone somewhere in the mountain forest, working himself to the bone learning how to tap into the powers of the entity residing deep within himself while keeping it from taking over his body. He’s never seen the numerous times when Ryousuke’s impenetrable composure could still falter because of the monstrous effort it takes for him to maintain control. He doesn’t know how when Ryousuke first started his training he merely had the abilities of an average person, and how people used to look at him with faces ranging from pity to utter doubt when he used to declare he’ll one day be one of the best onmyouji that’s ever lived despite his stature and the fact that he couldn’t cast a single spell until his early teen years.

Eijun doesn’t know that part of the reason why their parents are never around is because of Ryousuke.

“It’s okay if you can’t tell me,” Eijun quickly amends when Haruichi’s silence stretches out for a tad too long. Haruichi is honestly at loss over whether he should tell him anything at all. There doesn’t seem to be any merit to it; Eijun could accidentally mention it in a conversation and possibly cause some sort of uproar. Onmyouji with youkai relations aren’t exactly the newest things around at this point, but the stigma around it still persists. Ryousuke most likely wouldn’t want him to know due to more personal reasons as well; he’d loathe it if he’s going to be treated differently just because someone knew the truth—especially if that someone chooses to feel anything besides a certain level of healthy fear towards him.

“I’m sorry, Eijun-kun,” Haruichi decides, absently thumbing the page corner of the book on his lap. “I don’t think I’m in the position…”

“No, no, like I said—it’s all fine!” Eijun assures, gesturing wildly with his hands. “It’s not really any of my business in the first place.”

Haruichi flashes him a small, grateful smile. “If you’re really curious, I think it’s best to hear it from aniki himself.”

Eijun nods, reaching over to fetch the topmost book out of Haruichi’s stack. He opens to a random section, absently flipping the subsequent pages over. “So. You’re looking for things about kitsune, yeah?”

“Nine-tailed ones, to be exact,” Haruichi corrects, focusing on his own book once more. “I want to see if I can find anything besides what I already know.”

“If it’s a weakness or something, wouldn’t onii-san have already read about it by himself?” Eijun asks, stopping at a page with a particularly striking illustration. Haruichi stares at its title, trying to decipher the upside-down characters but to no avail.

“Well, yeah, but…”he can’t seem to say the rest of it, fearing that if he does they’d inevitably come true. Ryousuke’s strong and he’s not working alone this time and yet it’s because of who he is that Haruichi feels a new wave of nausea at the sudden concern that seizes him. Foxes have a fierce sense of connection with their own kind; if there’s anyone who can possibly influence Ryousuke by sheer will, it’d be a nine-tailed fox spirit. And even if she doesn’t get the chance to do anything to him, what consequences would the potential public revelation bring? How would the Bureau react?

“Harucchi.”

At the sound of Eijun’s voice, Haruichi jolts out of his thoughts.

“Onii-san will be fine,” he assures, grinning with a confidence that doesn’t waver like Haruichi’s own. “It’s him we’re talking about, after all.”

“He’d be severely offended if he finds out we’re worrying over him like this, huh?” Haruichi manages a slight laugh, reluctantly allowing himself to take in some of Eijun’s positivity. Still, it doesn’t change the feeling of helplessness that comes with only being able to wait. “It’s frustrating, but I suppose all we can do for him now is pray.”

He blinks at him when he sees him stiffen visibly, very obviously hit by some sort of idea. Eijun steers their conversation away before he could ask, though, proceeding to launch into an animated recollection of his experiences with the kind of youkai described on the page he’s stopped at. Haruichi finds no further will to question him, deciding that some things are still best left to Eijun and his own devices.

He just hopes he’s not going to do anything overboard. Again.

xXx

“You want me to what.”

Youichi thinks it’s probably about time for him to clean his ears because he’s pretty this brat just asked if there’s any way he could check on Ryousuke for Haruichi.

Was it something he did? Had he done something lately that gave him the idea that he doesn’t value his life? Because Eijun might as well have asked him to exorcise himself first to save Ryousuke the trouble of kicking his butt for hijacking his mind. Unlike actual gods, Youichi isn’t omnipresent, so the only way he’ll be able to more or less “see” how he’s doing is by entering his consciousness. Ryousuke was merciful the last time, but Youichi isn’t sure he’ll be as lucky right now. Or ever again in general, really.

Though, he does have a pretty good guess that Ryousuke’s extremely distracted by something at the moment. Against his better judgements, Youichi’s left a miniscule remnant of the short link he’d formed with Ryousuke the other day, also with the subconscious intention to make sure he’s at least still alive. Ryousuke would no doubt have already noticed and gotten rid of it if he’s his usual self; he either can’t be bothered now, or he hasn’t realized yet. Whatever it is, Youichi can tell he’s ridiculously stressed at the moment. He could feel his tension even through the slight, negligible link between their minds; he’s like a rope pulled taut for so long that the edges at the centre are already beginning to fray before it eventually snaps. Youichi can’t help marvelling at him for being able to function despite bearing that sort of weight on his shoulders. What he’s feeling is merely a fraction of the real thing, a second-hand sensation of sorts—and he already feels slightly queasy.

But even more than his borderline inhuman drive to keep going regardless of his inner turmoil, Youichi ponders more over the root of Ryousuke’s anxiety. They’re talking about a person who has the power to even stand up against a minor god here; what’s there about the nine-tailed kitsune in particular that has him so tensed up and on guard? Sure, she’s been impossible to beat for a century now, but Ryousuke would still have enough confidence in himself without lowkey fearing for his life, wouldn’t he?

Or has his every confrontation with youkai actually been like this? Was it just that Youichi never noticed because Ryosuke has simply achieved that level of skill when it comes to hiding it?

“Who do you think keeps this place safe while Ryou-san’s off doing his thing, huh?” Youichi sighs wearily when Eijun repeats his question with a volume about a solid hundred levels louder. Really, just because mujina are good at projecting their voices doesn’t mean Eijun has to do it when they’re just two metres apart.

“Can’t you spare some time during the day or something? You spend most of your time just lazing around anyways,” Eijun argues, and Youichi just about to explain that there are very important reasons to his lazing around when he decides it’s not worth the effort.

“Look, I know you’re doing this for Haruichi’s sake, but you have to understand one thing—“he proceeds to tackle Eijun into a headlock and grind his fist against his scalp—“Ryou-san would probably flay me alive when he comes back if I do that, and you’re an idiot.”

“Isn’t that already two things!” Eijun protests, thrashing violently until Youichi releases him. “And only idiots call others idiots!” he accuses, jabbing a finger at his direction.

“Yes, yes.” Youichi makes a dismissive wave before crossing his arms. “If you’re thatkeen to know, though, why don’t you just turn into a bird and fly there or something? I don’t think it’ll take that long by air.”

Youichi braces himself for more yelling when Eijun opens his mouth, but he clams up without saying anything in the end. Huh. Did Youichi accidentally thread on a sensitive subject?

“Don’t tell me,” Youichi raises his eyebrows, “you’re bad at transforming?”

“’Course not!” Eijun denies, and Youichi could practically feel every sentient being within a fifty-meter radius wince simultaneously. He hesitates a bit before speaking again, mumbling under his breath as he does so. “It’s just that I promised onii-san that I’ll take care of Harucchi while he’s gone.”

Youichi takes half a minute to process that. Then oh, the implicit message behind Eijun’s words dawns him. It must be the Capital City that he has issues with. Youichi can’t exactly criticize him for that; he isn’t that fond of it himself. He’s passed by a few times during some journeys with his master, and the impression he immediately got was along the lines of ugh no thanks. To put it crudely, the smell alone reminded him of his master’s feet—which reeks like a pile of rotting fish—only about fifth times more pungent. He remembers being sourly told not to involve himself at all with the gods residing there if he could help it too because they’re all pieces of work who think they’re better than everyone else.

Frankly, Youichi always thought his master’s always been a little overdramatic, but he figures he has nothing to lose listening to him when it comes to deities. They’ve never been fond of youkai, and the feeling’s mutual.

“Well, sorry to break it to ya,” Youichi sniffs, “but I’ve been asked to watch over him while Ryou-san’s away too.”

“Then doesn’t that mean you’re already multitasking? What difference would doing one more thing make?” Eijun demands, and dear lord Youichi can’t tell if he’s seriously that dense or if he’s simply refusing to listen. He spends a moment to study him; spotting the telltale furrow across his brow, the tension in his jaw, the way he’s clenching his fists—and feels something in him soften. He’s genuinely just trying to support his friend in whatever straightforward, albeit slightly outlandish way he can, isn’t he? As much as Youichi hates to admit, he’s a sap for stuff like that. He can’t dislike him for doing his best to look out for someone he cares for.

Youichi exhales a long breath, deciding he’s probably going to regret this. A lot.

“Okay, listen,” he begins, holding up his palms in a sort of placating gesture. He sends a quick prayer to whoever’s kind enough to bother listening for Eijun to not start freaking out. “If it makes you feel any better, I am still maintaining a tiny link with Ryou-san’s mind right now. What I can deduce through that is extremely limited, but at the very least—“ he shoots Eijun a stern glare to shut him up before he can speak—“I’d know if he’s dead or alive.”

For a second, Eijun looks like he isn’t able to accept that. Then as Youichi watches, the fight seems to leave him all at once, and he averts his gaze, slouching his shoulders. So even he can look like that sometimes, Youichi muses. Even someone as aggressively stubborn as him could finally realize when to give in.

“I’ll definitely let Haruichi know if anything happens,” Youichi assures, doubting his own words the moment he voices them because can he really tell he boy if there’s a chance he won’t ever see his brother again? “Though, I’m sure Ryou-san would have everything under control somehow or another.”

When he realizes that isn’t enough to get rid of Eijun’s pensiveness, he does the only thing he could think of. He trudges behind him, and kicks him at the back of his knees. Eijun yelps, promptly proceeding to demand what that was for and accuse him for being a horrible guardian deity because people in his position shouldn’t be needlessly harming other youkai. Youichi merely answers with a trademark cackle and some snarky retort, hoping to keep this front up until Eijun leaves. Call him superstitious or whatever—it’s always foreboding when the boisterous ones become quiet. Youichi has his own unease already; he doesn’t need Eijun to make things worse.

Because surely, Ryou-san knows what he’s doing and getting himself into, right?

xXx

There’s a blanket of tense silence settled over the group of onmyouji entrusted with the task of aiding the holy ritual.

Ryousuke moistens his lips as he moves with them towards the designated hall in the Imperial Palace, willing his heartbeat to find its calm already. It doesn’t help that the summer heat is extra overbearing that day; harsh sunlight beating down on them in the exposed hallways, their robes doing more to trap the heat in than keeping it out. The only good it’s doing is making Ryousuke’s sweat less conspicuous since practically everyone’s mopping their faces every five minutes or so.

They’re led by the main person in charge of casting the spell, a man said to be a descendant of Abe no Seimei named Abe no Yasunari. He’s skilled, yes, though not to the point of being “spectacular” per se. Definitely not as prominent as his predecessor, but since Abe no Seimei had direct blood relations to a youkai it’s not much of a surprise. If anything, the fact that Yasunari is as good as he is now proves that he’s a person worthy of carrying the weight of his family name. Ryousuke’s seen him work a few times firsthand; his methods are highly efficient and effective,albeit slightly orthodoxical. Just because he doesn’t particularly stand out like his grandfather or the few among them including Ryousuke himself doesn’t mean he isn’t amazing in his own right.

They eventually stop before a set of sliding doors, Abe no Yasunari exchanging a few words with the men standing guard before they’re granted access. At this point, the tug in Ryousuke’s gut that’s been building up ever since he entered the city has morphed to something resembling an intense burn. She’s close, and it’s starting to react to her presence. Ryousuke takes a deep breath, swallowing thickly. It’s alright, he’s trained enough to handle this. He’ll be fine, he’ll be fine.

He then steps in through the entrance of the hall, and meets the gaze of the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.

*to make things clear, miyuki's a tanuki and eijun's a mujina!

#kuraryou #kominato ryousuke #kuramochi youichi #diamond no ace #daiya no ace #i wanted to put this up a week earlier but then i discovered that my phone doesn't support copy pasting formatted text so??? welp #fanfiction

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xhuth · 7 years

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lessee the rundown of warnings here.... nsfw, sex and sexuality talk, suicide, potential tmi, general depression and trauma thinkings

usually i post this stuff on my locked twitter but 1. i dont feel like writing out a dozen tweets on my phone and 2. i only have like 4 followers there so no one sees anyway and i dont get my Sweet Validation

but like i just realized how unaware i am of all the stuff going on around me, friends/people i know having sex and stuff and i know thats nothing to write home about or be like I CANT BELIEVE SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL, UNTHINKABLE but its just so weird to me, it floors me, because like... nothing of any kind of romantic or sexual nature has ever been relevant in my life, if that makes sense. and also the school got its existing ban from certain rooms in the college buildings reaffirmed once again because of Shenanigans going on there which my friends told me included students making out and fucking in the conference rooms or whatever and im just like... why?? how?? people are having sex?? people do this in the university buildings?? im not shocked out of like. Disrespecting the space (although it is disrespecting the space but if youre in private whatever) but just like... ive never been actually cognizant of/have considered people around me having sex at all let alone all over the fucking place.

anyway this is sounding dumb and makes no sense but its mostly about how like, im so baffled by it all because nothing of this nature has ever come up in my life... ive always been like yeah w/e idc about sex and relationships and all that but then thinking about it more i think about how, oh cool no one has had interest in me in any sense ever and neither have i in any person, i erroneously assumed (not even assumed but like...just didnt even think about?) everyone around me was the same lol. and then i get into thinking oh im never gonna love or be intimate with anybody

and then that gets into me questioning if me being a lesbian is just performative and that i should just Accept that im actually aroace and a fake gay because ive never loved anybody and ive never felt any type of sexual attraction or physical sexual urge (like being Horny lmao not just me thinking about it Sure Would Be Nice To Be With Someone)(and these thoughts are newish like from in the past year honestly, ive never really cared about relationships) and i just see how different everyone else is from me. but i dont want to be aroace! i dont want to not love anybody and i dont want to not be able to be or desire to be sexually intimate but i feel like im just lying to myself lmao. and the layers keep going on like “well you just arent used to accepting that” but i know thats not true because i am, i used to id as ace pretty proudly and even aroace for a short time lmao.

but what girl would ever love me anyway? and if she did, would i even love her back? i dont feel any type of love! i had a crush once in 7th grade and it was on a boy and it was totally unprompted and unwanted and i always go back to that in my mind, i have forgotten the feeling now but it adds to my anxiety about just being a Performative Lesbian and not a Real One who Loves Girls For Real and i know you can be a lesbian and still be attracted to men but i still feel fake. i dont want to love men, and i dont love men, and i dont want to ever be with a man. just a lot of internalized doubt and confusion about Who I Am. this is totally rambley and not making sense lol.

i WANT to be a lesbian, when i think about love between women its... the most beautiful thing i can imagine. and i want to feel that. but i feel like i wont ever, whether its from me not being able to or no one ever loving me, lol. and then im continuously frustrated about how i cant get sexually aroused for shit, the closest i can get is feeling a little warm reading something hot or whatever. this is getting into tmi range lmaooo but its just so... i feel so hindered, i want to be able to feel things, feel SOMETHING, and i fucking cant, and im so desperate to have some kind of feeling, mentally or physically, i want to feel pleasure or just something thats not just fucking null. logically i suspect i cant feel anything is because trauma (which, i have accepted my experiences as trauma but im starting to doubt again lmao) and being on SSRIs but its so hard, if i worked past the trauma i would still be on medications that kill a libido i dont even know if i have. and my medication now has been making me have fewer suicidal episodes and honestly i fucking hate it. i hate feeling so inbetween. i would rather be suicidal than this... stalemate where i dont feel better or worse and im still not able to work towards doing the things i need to do. i would rather be suicidal and useless than neutral and useless. either way i cant do shit, might as well feel something and have some idea of what im gonna do if im like this!

i originally didnt intend to write this much but i did and if you read all of this im honestly so thankful, thanks for reading all my shit. im not...soliciting anyone to respond, dont respond if you dont want to, but i would like to talk about this with anyone else who might also want to talk about it. idk. sometimes its not clear whether people are seeking responses or do not want to be spoken to on vent posts so just clarifying im “feel free to reply” and by “feel free” i mean “if you had something to say it would mean so much to me for you to say it/speak to me about it”

#VERY LONG

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