#lol in my house since we all have adhd that’s actually the definition of fine

[rothjuje]

A quick list of what I miss most about Texas: stone creek, Buc-ees, all the amazing donut places, how close/convenient everything was, how laid back everything was. And my people of course.

I watched the weirdest movie last night. It was set in California and I think I forgot how beautiful it is there, just flowers everywhere. But also, I haven’t experienced spring here. I did see the Boston public garden in May and it was like something out of a fairytale, flowers so big I thought they were fake at first.

I was definitely the biggest whiner ever about snow. It hasn’t snowed in two weeks. With no plans to snow next week either, in fact we’re supposed to have two days in the 60s! Which I don’t think is the norm for here at all and climate change is terrifying. But wanted to note we only had one snowy week and in hindsight it was not a big deal at all. In fact, I miss it. We didn’t even have time to make a snowman!

First thing yesterday morning, before I had even put my glasses on, a kid asked me to blow up a balloon. It wasn’t even half full when it exploded into my right eye. It was so painful I couldn’t even scream. I just remember kicking the couch in agony thinking my eye had exploded. Five minutes later when I could finally open it I realized it was (mostly) fine. But oh man. Close your eyes when you blow up balloons, folks.

Apparently Justin has a yearly meeting that falls over Valentine’s Day. This year and next it’s Feb 13-14. He celebrated with the kids this am and then left for the airport. In our last house, I used to get super freaked out when he left on work trips. We lived by the woods, but we had a fence and I knew all our neighbors and I was still freaked out.

Here we actually live in the woods, we don’t have a fence, I don’t know all our neighbors, we find animal remains on our property—but I feel safe here, go figure. I don’t know if it’s because I view Mass as safer than Texas, or because of neighbor friends. I was close with my old neighbor too, but she was a frail old lady. I know if there was ever an issue with an intruder or the house or a wild animal my bff’s husband would be here in 30 seconds. We also just keep a general lookout for each other. Good neighbors are such a gift. Also, Peabody has become such a guard dog since moving here/being the only dog. It’s annoying usually (especially when he scares people) but nice when Justin is traveling.

Why is it that in above freezing temps our lawn turned brown in Texas every winter? Here we had below zero temps and our lawn is still green. Grass type? Maybe we have moss? I don’t know but I’ll take it.

Can you train cats? I have a friend who swears she can train her cats to stay off counters and leave her plants alone but I just don’t believe her.

I was thinking the other day about how people appear online vs in person. I’ve been told by people lately that I’m high energy and I ask a lot of questions. The question thing is a problem I’m working on, I’m just insanely curious. About everything. All the time. It does make me lol though that people think I’m high energy because I always feel half asleep. Maybe it’s the ADHD. Anyway. I just think it’s interesting that we create personas for people as we read about their lives, like we do for characters in a book.

[danideservedbetter]

Day 7, 8, 9, and 10 / Elaboration

Hey y’all! I said yesterday I would elaborate a little more on what my doctor’s visit yesterday told me, and here I am to do just that! I meant to yesterday, honestly, but by the time I got home my medicine had worn off and that wasn’t looking very likely 😅😅 But regardless!!! Here is what my results look like and honestly? These things probably have been affecting my sleeping disorder to a degree I’d previously disregarded without detailed info I’ve gotten from these tests.

Full write up under the cut!

—I got two major tests done, blood work and a genetics test. Back in my hometown the nurses couldn’t even figure out how to open the damn swab, but technology here managed to map out my entire DNA sequence which is utterly NUTS to me.

—My body is deficient in almost every important vitamin known to mankind, which makes sense because my diet is not… the best 😅 So, I started on several (SEVERAL) supplements to start out.

—I say start out because it’s very likely that I’ll be taking vitamin C and some liver enzyme through an IV once a month. A younger me might’ve thought something like this was scary, but at this point I’m so desperate to be healthy that getting nutrients drip fed into my system for them to work quicker sounds just fine to me.

—Other than that it’s normal lifestyle stuff. Eat more fruits and vegetables (I’ve been eating olives by the can for like days and I intend to buy fresh fruit packets for breakfast whenever I can afford them) as well as staying more active— which I DEFINITELY have been since I moved closer to New Orleans, in Louisiana proper where my dad lives.

But enough of the boring medicinal stuff. I’m sure you guys are much more interested in the whys— is there a reason my hypersomnia is so bad? Is there a deeper explanation than “lack of vitamins bad and you should feel bad”?

Well, yeah. YES. The genetics test revealed a metric fuckton to say the least 😂😂😂 but the most important was what kinds of diseases I’m predisposed to or how my body can process certain types of hormones/enzymes/proteins. Things like why caffeine won’t work for me (my body processes it very fast but not very thoroughly) or my metabolism being the strongest recorded genotype (which is why it’s been so hard to gain weight). Below, I’ll go into detail about stuff my new general doctor’s in-office geneticist (I still can’t believe that’s a thing I’m typing) has revealed about my disorder.

Naturally, this is specific to me because of my parents and our family lines. Maybe if you see info pertinent to yourself, looking into genetic mapping may be a good idea for you?

We are pretty confident that I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. The reason for this is that a tiny link has been found between individuals who contracted mononucleosis in their childhood and adolescence and individuals who fell within the sleep cycles indicating IH. Now, IH will be genetic sometimes, but considering I’ve tracked my disorder to starting around 14, the same year I contracted Mono, the coincidence definitely doesn’t seem like… well, a coincidence. My blood test shows that I do in fact have the antibodies in my system, and they’re doing something… odd.

The geneticist found some “active” antibodies. Well, not some, really 😅 Basically, she’s surmised that these antibodies have a hair-trigger response and can react to any given environmental factor (stress, hunger, etc.) to the point where they activate as if they think they’re **fighting off a virus that’s been out of my system for ten years.** Of course this takes up an inordinate amount of energy, which is her hypothesis as to why my hypersomnia is so random and varies in intensity. The goal for this summer is flushing these antibodies out of my system.

My previous neurologist tried out a couple stimulants and then shit insurance prevented me from trying any others. So I’m stuck on something traditionally prescribed for adhd. A narcotic. *However* since my body is severely dysfunctional in general, the way I describe it is I basically have to induce a high to stay awake and function normally. We want to eventually get me off of these kinds of drugs, of course, since prolonged exposure weakens their effects and they’re highly addictive.

Another in credibly interesting thing we found is that I'm lacking in three major hormones. However, it's not because I don't produce them. I've never identified with symptoms of depression (anxiety, certainly, but not depression) yet for most of my life my childhood general practitioner insisted I had it. Well, the geneticist found that while I'm lacking in serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin, which yes are the two major mood enhancers and then the hormone that induces sleep, it's not because I can't produce them. It's because my neural transmitters are so damaged from a less-than-good diet and years of exhaustion that they simply can't process them. Just as the antibodies can have a hair-trigger response to environmental factors, so too can these processors. Simple things like a good meal, my high from my stimulants, or even micro dopamine shots from getting things done can activate the transmitters. Another thing on the docket for the summer is fixing these permanently with treatments of vitamins and supplements.

My stimulants have caused appetite issues, unfortunately, and that plus Covid at the beginning of this year caused me to get down to my lowest recorded weight ever, 94 pounds, which I haven't weighed since before I hit my final growth spurt way back in middle school. My dad does physical labor (he's a contractor who frames houses in the humid heat of the Deep South lol) so he's used to feeling tired. When he caught Covid, he said that he'd never felt as tired, drained, or out of it in his entire life. He never gets sick and hardly goes to the doctor and NEVER takes off work because of health, but in his last few weeks before full recovery he had to take off early multiple times. He was floored when he described the brain fog and exhaustion and I told him that I had no idea I even had Covid, because I just thought it was my disorder acting up. It was only when my grandmother started feeling tired that we got tested and we tested positive.

All that said, we think that there's hope for a future for me. She said that while there's no cure for IH, the cause that I have may can be mitigated by changes in exercise, diet, routine, and medication,to the point where I may mitigate symptoms of my disorder entirely. I'm still setting up appointments with a new neurologist here in the city, though, because technology is of course more advanced here.

And again, taking all of this into consideration, while it was looking likelier by the day, we've both agreed that I'll be here in the city 'til New Years. Which means no school this semester, but if I can go back in spring at more than 20% functionality and maybe succeed, I'm perfectly fine having to remain on break.

However, another good update: I weigh 103 pounds! I'm steadily gaining weight-- which means the other medication, the one for my appetite, is working as it should and as long as I stay on-track I should reach my goal of 120 by the end of the year as well.

So, yeah! That's what it's looking like. I have another appointment to go more in depth with the results tomorrow, but for now I'm planning out my week since I decided to let myself rest all last week. I'd love to finish helping out for our current podfic, ACTUALLY start the damn 100 Theme Challenge (LOL), finish betaing something that's been on hold for months, properly reconnect with our discord, catch up on all the media I fell behind on, clean my damn room, and establish a budget for this week on what I can buy. A more specific plan for today will follow, but til then, I hope this gives everyone some insight on what I'm looking at and how I'm gonna try to fix it.

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #TW: weight #TW: anxiety/depression mention #health post #genetics

[idk-my-aesthetic]

Ask Game

Tagged by: @teetletottle  !!! ty for the tag!! 

Instructions: tag 10 followers you wanna get to know better :)

Name: Blue! or Pluto! i go by both :) 

Gender: pangender nb? i thinks? gender is hard..... i go by any pronouns tho! 

Star sign: capricorn? im born jan 10 2003. tho i’ve been told im not very capricorn like and that im probably like my moon sign but idk enough about astrology to tell.... 

Height: 5′ 5′’ i think?? i don’t pay too much attention to my hight... on a related note even though i’m average hight i have a very lorge build and can lift over 300 lbs,,,,,, my little sisters climb on me like i’m a jungle gym and i just have to be like ‘this is fine’ 

Sexuality: aro/ace spec pan!! which is almost counterintuitive?? it’s like,,,, i only sometimes feel attraction but when i do gender has no effect on it.... 

Hogwarts house: proud Hufflepuff!!! i got a hat + scarf for hannukah! 

potato (my sister) wants y’all to know that she is also a Hufflepuff, and has a Hufflepuff button she loves,  and that our little sister is a Gryffindor. 

Favourite animal: oh g-d don’t make me choose!!! 

i actually ADORE all animals so much!!! even gross ones!!! like bugs are so interesting?? and fish are so pretty!! and snakes are just babies!!! agh i really can’t choose even though those are all such broad groups.... literally you could mention just about any animal to me and i could give you some random facts about them!!! (pls do tbh come into my inbox i will give u facts) 

though i know the most about cats so i guess they are my favorite?? 

Average hours of sleep: hmmmm. ok so i have like Bad adhd insomnia, but!! i’m trying real hard to take care of myself. so if i have school its about 6 hrs?? which isn’t enough but ehhh.... since we’ve been home i’ve been sleeping 8-10 hrs. 

(which if you didn’t know teenagers are supposed to sleep 10-12 bc our brains are still rapidly develping!! pls sleep more if you get the chance y’all take care of urselves ily!! ) 

Current time: 12:25! 

Dogs or cats: like i said before i love all animals, including dogs!! i adore puppies!! but i do prefer cats!! there just such babies and i hyperfix on them enough that i know alot about cat body language. anytime w/ go over someone’s house and they have a cat i befreind it. they’re usually very supprised.... 

i can’t have any pets rn, but when i’m an adult i want like 3 cats!! 

Blankets you sleep with: ok call out time for me.... i sleep w/ like. a comforter, a fluffy blanket, and a weighted blanket. and So Many pillows i don’t actually know how many of them i have. alot of them tend to end up on the floor. most are like random old full soze ones noone else wants, but a bunch are like throw pillows that came w/ my bed spread like 6 years ago XD 

i think it’s an adhd thing but i just like to.... nest ig?? is the best word?? i like pillows ok?? i don’t sleep on my bed like a normal person. 

Dream trip: go back to italy probably! i have alot of family there, so we’ve been a few times to see them. which definatly helps cut down costs lmao, we don’t have to pay for like hotels or anyting and ig it’s an italin thing to fight over who pays for food?? 

Dream job: ok,,,, rn i really wanna get like,,,, super rich so that i can donate alot of money to charity and shit. we’ll see how that works out but im trying

anyway, if we lived in like an actual functional world, i’d probably wanna be a stay at home writer/ parent. and by probably i mean definitely,,,, i’m already kinda doing that and raising my sisters, and i want to adopt alot of kids, so being able to do that would make me really really happy 

When I made my blog: middle school? it’s been a pretty long time actually, and i’ve stuck w/ the same one for the whole time i’ve been here so i don’t rememeber exactly 

Followers: 172! hi y’all!! ily!! 

Why I made a tumblr: i don’t rememeberrrrrr :( but i know why i stay here!! bc i have alot of lovly freinds and theres alot of lovly people here!! 

Reason for my URL: when i first made my acct my username was actually idkkkkkkkkkkk10 (it’s suposed to have 10 ks hope thats the right amount lol) bc i.... literally didn’t know what to make my url. eventually i switched it bc obviously it’s sort of ridiculous, but i wanted to keep the idk theme! so, idk-my-aesthetic! 

on a semi related note, my header is ‘i like hugs’ bc for a while when i wasen’t in a great place it was ‘i need a hug’ but i’ve been doing better for a while, and changing it to something more positive was very meaningful to me 

People I’d love to get to know: if anyone I didn’t tag wants to do this consider this an @ from me!! 

@manic-pixie-nightmare-enby  @feydrian @maeofthedead @non-binarypal7 @trappedinamethaphor @huffiewalkingonsunshine

#ask game

[jeanjauthor]

Do you have any tip for recognize what your love language for giving and receiving please ? I have no clue due to being autistic / being from an abusive household / being the eldest daughter ( trained to pick up after others / serve since childhood ) . I don’t know what they are and it’s driving me crazy.

This is an excellent, important question to ask. You recognize that what you’ve been *taught* to do isn’t necessarily *your* love language.  With the background you’ve described, knowing this about yourself is super-important for *reclaiming* yourself.  (Also, I am very proud of you for facing these things.)

Now, I’m no expert, but I have observed a lot over the years, and thought a lot about the Love Languages, too.  So here are my thoughts: 

First, the big Caveat:  Your love language may actually be Acts of Service, but it’ll have been warped by the abusive constraints you grew up under.  This is actually worse than most people would assume--you’ve been forced to give what you would’ve given for free if you’d had a choice, but you didn’t have much of a choice.

Whether or not Acts of Service is your love language in the end...that alone makes it a consent violation.  Emotional consent violations are more insidiously, subtly traumatizing--not necessarily worse, but definitely more difficult to observe, confirm, confront, & recover from.  So finding out that your primary love language has been manipulated and used against you may be...disturbing...to learn.  (If you can afford competent counseling, I strongly recommend it--and yes, don’t hesitate to try different counselors if the first or second or however many don’t feel like a good match.)

It could be something else--with five major categories to choose from, you got four other possibilities.  You may have need to receive love in a different language from AoS, but have been taught (polite euphemism) to give love only in the one way you were demanded most often to express.

You could also have multiple love languages, and that multitude can express itself in different ways with different people. I myself am bilingual, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. I’m lucky in that I was never forced to give AoS, but it makes it a little more difficult at times to know which of the two I need at any given moment, because it’s not always easy to tell.  Plus, there are just some people I will never be comfortable receiving PT from, though AoS is fine.

I even know of one couple who expressed & received love in all 5 categories, and both felt satisfied with each kind, making it difficult to tell if they had a primary...until I asked them how they liked giving & receiving with others. They had actually ended up unconsciously tailoring how they expressed love to specific other people (children, grandchildren) according to that other person’s needs.  Now, I’m not saying this couple is perfect (they’re drama hounds in some ways, and if things are going too smoothly, they’ll stir the pot a bit). They’re just an example of how you can receive in one language (or several) and give in other languages.

With that said, the best way to figure it out is to take the 5 Love Languages tests:  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

These are comparative tests, always pairing up two different Love Language ways to express oneself and asking you to pick the one that more suits you.

There are no wrong answers.

As someone who is also on the spectrum colorwheel (I love the analogy a tumblr user came up for describing it!), I want you to know that it is not only okay to be unsure about your answers, but that you can actually get a better idea of your Love Languages by taking the test multiple times, and swapping out the answers you weren’t sure about.  Keep track of your scores, and whenever you run across a quiz that gives you point totals for each category, compare the point totals.

Why? Because not all those bilingual in Love Languages will be equally bilingual 100% of the time (or 50-50, lol).  More importantly, as you become more self-aware of your past habits and work to release yourself from their chains, the more your Love Languages may change.  It is also important to realize that you can become fluent in a language not normally your own, if you are emotionally invested in the person you are expressing that language to, and are aware of how they receive it & react to it--in other words, this is a very real case of “learning to taking pleasure from other people’s happiness.”

Also, as we grow and learn and change (which life makes us do simply by existing & interacting with the world), sometimes our Love Language(s) may shift a bit.  Again, this is perfectly natural and normal.  There are no wrong answers.

One of the ways that our Love Languages can shift is--after trauma and/or abuse--our ability to give & receive love can actually weaken, and even wither.  A lot of that has to do with being protective, defensive, in an emotionally hostile environment.  Some of that, however--as many of us have learned over the last handful of months--may have come about as a result of quarantine isolation. 

For those of us who already have difficulty with social interactions (autism spectrum, ADHD, anxiety, depression, etc), isolation worsens our ability to pick up on social cues, even to the point of having difficulty noticing social cues, which includes noticing LL interactions. And as with physical starvation, love starvation can get us reduced to the point where we no longer notice how hungry we are for loving interactions.

But most importantly, not everyone will have the same dialect, or sub-dialect, of Love Language.  For example, your LL may be Physical Touch, but if those who abused you constantly put a heavy hand on your shoulder, gripping it with bruising strength, being touched on your shoulder will automatically give you a negative reaction by association.

I personally don’t like holding hands. It doesn’t come naturally to me. But I am definitely an elbows-interlocked person, because that feels much more natural to me.  Or if you’re trying to give someone a Gift with that LL, the type of gift you give may or may not make them feel loved.

It’s like the stereotypical joke of the husband giving the wife a new vacuum cleaner for their birthday.  Even if Gifts are her main LL, the gift of a vacuum cleaner comes with a burden of expectations...and if her secondary Love Language is Acts of Service...?  Unless she asked for it as a gift choice (or spoke about getting a new one positively in some way)...that’s really not gonna be a good gift.

(Even then, offering to use it yourself to tidy the house so the burden isn’t 100% on her shoulders is going to be received positively by most folks...unless they have house-cleaning-based OCD, in which case, ask first, and work with them to accommodate what you can, to reduce stress in your partner. Also, some people might genuinely like things like a new vacuum cleaner if they know that the giver is aware their Love Language is Acts of Service, or bilingually AoS and Gifts...but again, if you aren’t completely sure...ask.)

With all of that said and carefully considered, you probably have a long road ahead of you, untangling your past from your present, and untangling your burdensome expectations from your actual desires.  But that’s okay.

Again, there are no wrong answers.

This isn’t a math equation. Your answers do not have to match each time you take a Love Language test.  Not even if you turn around and take it again five minutes after your first run-through.  And don’t hesitate to re-take it once a week or once a month, and ask yourself if your feelings about each question or suggestion has changed.  Just be in the moment, in that moment, and consider your answers in that particular moment.

It may even be helpful to keep a little journal, a .doc file or something, with your thoughts on the questions and answers on a given date.  Write down or otherwise make a note of any questions that seemed particularly important to you, or particularly ambivalent (in which case, write down both suggestions for later review).

Definitely don’t be afraid to go back over your previous results.

There are no wrong answers.

You are a living, growing being, constantly changing as you encounter new thoughts, new ideas, new situations.  When we look at this situation in that light...how could there possibly be any “right answer” without it being solely a “right now” answer?

Again, you have a lot to unpack, a lot to decompress, a lot to escape, a lot to re-explore once you can shed more of the burdens of your past.  These things will take time...which sucks when you want to know now...but that’s alright.  Again, there are no wrong answers, since what you learn today only applies to today.  Come back in a week, re-examine everything, and see how you feel then.

Whatever your Love Language(s) might be, I’m genuinely proud of you for being aware of the impositions of your past, and wanting to know what’s ahead of you for your future.  Just one last thought to consider:  Don’t feel you have to only ever give-and-receive in one specific Love Language, if you discover a particular one.

Bilingualism can help you and an important person in your life bond together that much more, if you know or or at least can guess fairly readily what their own LL might be.  My mother’s LL is Quality Time, and I interconnect with her through Acts of Service by choosing to do things with her, while being mindful to chat with her, joke & laugh with her, etc.  We could do chores together, we could go traveling together...the important thing is that we connect together.  And no, it doesn’t have to be applied to your own mother; your own family relationships are your own, and probably won’t be solved by so simple an answer.

Me, I’m retaking the Singles Quiz from the above linked website right now, because I just realized it’s been over a year since I took it, and I’ve been through a lot, emotionally & mentally, over the last year-plus...and that’s without adding the decade-long year-from-hell that has been 2020 so far.

Remember, you’re a living, growing, and thus potentially ever-changing being.  Sometimes that growth & change is to become more of something.  Sometimes it’s a change away from one thing and more toward another, or more toward a state of neutrality/equilibrium...and again there are no wrong answers.  Sometimes you may need to return to neutral equilibrium, so you can recover from the burdens of your past, regain the room to resume your true shape...and regain the room to figure out what that true inner shape (or Love Language) truly is.

*piles prepackaged hugs by your front door*

You are worthy of love, you are worthy of giving love, and you are most definitely worthy of receiving love.  Ideally in all the ways that satisfy your need to be loved fully.  Good luck with the tests--and I say that solely because you’re going to be ambiguous about some of the choices.  We all feel that way, on certain subjects on certain days.  Remember...

There are no wrong answers.

#hrmm...looks like I've picked up Quality Time as well as the other two #more or less one third each with a smidge in the last two categories

[chubinecco]

Cheat Day, August

Okay, so, quick preface on this one, since it’s the first time I’m doing this. About a year ago, I decided I wanted to lose some weight. (Number of health related reasons for this, but also, I wanted to better see a bigger difference when I stuffed. Big -> Real Big is all well and good, but tiny -> pretty big is like *melts*) 

Went well for a couple months, but I REALLY missed stuffing myself, started having trouble staying on the diet from day to day kinda thing. That’s when I decided I should get a cheat day.

Now, to prevent myself from deciding every day is cheat day, I pick a specific day a couple months in advance that I think I’m likely to eat a lot usually it’s some kind of holiday or event.

August’s cheat day was the 24th (with some spill over to the 25th because I was at my friend’s wedding, but this is just about the 24th).

I started the day with a BIG ol’ bowl of pasta with ham and cheese and spices stirred into it, four slices of bacon, two eggs and a NICE big glass of water. By the time I was finished, I was feeling pleasantly full, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

This is when my day went a little sideways XD Some kerfuffles with my prescription (adhd) and packing and everything else, I didn’t get on the road quite on time, and was in a bit of a hurry, I didn’t get to eat ANYTHING else u.u BUT I’d promised myself I was gonna get my tummy good and stuffed, so around about 2, I was making good time, and I asked my phone/GPS to find me a taco bell along my way :3 I ordered myself one of those twelve taco boxes, stopped in the parking lot real quick and downed two of them right away because they’re just SO tasty; but also salty, and I forgot to get myself anything to drink. whups.

I didn’t want to get behind, so I unwrapped my third taco, and got back on the road. Some stop and go traffic, I unwrapped another taco any chance I got and few more miles down the road I’m starting to feel it. Kinda full, nice tightness high in my belly, but not too heavy. Wishing I had something to drink, but it’s okay, I had a REALLY big glass at breakfast, and my car’s got AC, so I’m not dehydrated, just wish I had something to help it along.

I managed another taco and got my first cramp. Not a big one just sort of my tummy goin’ “Hey, Chubs, what’re you doin’ up there?” Felt so good, gave myself a bit of a rub and rest as I was driving along and wondered, “how many tacos have I had?” I managed to reach into the box next to me and get all the empty wrappers together and counted them.

Seven Tacos.

I’d had seven tacos, just over half the box. And I was feeling SO good. Full, achey, but also just... Let’s just say, even if I hadn’t been in the car, I would’ve been driving stick at this point.

But I’ve got just shy of half the box to go. The next two tacos, I took my time. Slowed down a little bit, but they were kinda cooler by now, and I was driving at speed on the highway, and holding half a taco in your hand while driving isn’t exactly easy, so few times I had to like... two bites, then kinda work the whole rest of the taco into my mouth like peeling a banana with my lips and barely getting to chew before I swallowed. Kinda a weird experience, but also kind of AMAZING to have that much food in my mouth at once, I could really feel the last swallow of each taco I ate this way as it went down my throat.

Because of this, I got a bit burpy; REALLY wished I had that water, but oh well. Rubbing my tummy gently, shifting in my seat. I could feel the wheel of the car was closer to me than it was when I started driving. I kinda almost wanted to push my seat back, but that’s silly, I’m at the perfect height for my mirrors, and my feet reach the pedals and just.. I’ll be fine.

But oh BOY I was feeling it. My stomach felt SO big. Bloaty and full and just... packed. Nine tacos so far. I glanced over at the box and was like, “I can do one more. At least one more will give me a nice, ten tacos.”

I grabbed my tenth taco, unwrapped it like a pro and chowed down. FUCK it felt good. Hurt a bit too, and I wondered if I could actually make it through the last two. I didn’t want to bother carrying the box on the train with me, and I DEFINITELY didn’t want to leave two tacos in the car. I thought about trying to give the last two away, because I was SO stuffed, but it’s two tacos, and that could go SO awkward...

I checked my phone, and I had just shy of an hour left until I got to the train station. One hour, two tacos, one SUPER full belly that was really intent on informing me just how much I had eaten. I could do this.

I drove along a while, kinda idly fiddling with the box next to me, thinking about how full I was, how much I’d waited, could I have my next taco yet? I felt pretty good... Distracting myself listening to podfic. Fic was getting to a “Good Part,” and I was feeling really Good too, and I decided, “Just one more. I can handle one more.” 

Eleven tacos down. Just one more to go. “This feels SO good. It’s been TOO LONG since I’ve had a cheat day on my own, no event or people to get weird about how much I’m eating just because I can, but DAMN I wish I could share this with someone who Gets It...”

My belly was full, I was feeling almost floaty and warm and good. I could feel my belt digging in, but only a little. More belly rubs, more driving, It’d only been maybe ten minutes since my eleventh taco, but I was SO close to the end. So close to an even dozen, and it felt SO good.

I grabbed my last taco, unwrapped it. Bite and chew, bite and chew. Every swallow felt AMAZING. By the end of it, I was kinda disappointed it was over, but also SO FULL it was a relief to know I had Done It. I ate a dozen tacos on top of an ENORMOUS breakfast, and the day was only half finished...

I made it to the train station with PERFECT timing, found I’d parked on the far side of the building from the tickets, no big deal, I could do with a bit of walking, my knees felt a bit stiff after all that driving. I got my tickets, then had to RUN across the concourse to get all the way back to track 2. Turns out I had more time than I thought I did, and running on a FULL full stomach is oof, but whatever. I got in my seat and felt SO squirmy. Tummy was Not Happy with me for that one. Not queasy or anything just like, Very Fucking Aware of just how Full I was, and also that I kinda needed to pee, but... no time, and didn’t really want to get up once I’d sat down...

One ninety-minute train ride of reading and thinking about my tummy later, I arrived in New York a bit later than intended, but none the worse for wear, and I get to walk about half a mile to get to where I’m staying for the weekend. I could have taken the metro, but it really wasn’t that bad, and I really didn’t feel like dealing with fare, so walking it was.

Some travel and other things, I made it to the tail end of my friend’s rehearsal dinner. From here, because of the other people around, I was more focused on socializing than my own greedy belly, so I didn’t get to revel in how stuffed I was nearly as much, but it kinda also meant I was distracted enough I probably put more in there than I would have otherwise been able to get through.

There were a number of casseroles out, and I was promptly handed a big ol’ jug of Coconut Pitorro.

Few things to know, 1) Pitorro is basically, Peurto Rican Moonshine 2) I am EXTREMELY lightweight XP

I didn’t have much, but it does NOT take much for me, even on a VERY full stomach XD I made a point of trying a couple bites of all the different dishes (there were like five of them) and also rehydrating in addition to having this DELICIOUS nectar of the gods that was mixed so strongly it made even the hardier drinkers shake their heads a bit XD

So, in the range of about twenty minutes, I’ve met about a dozen new people, forgotten about a dozen new names, inhaled three glasses of water, another modest plate of food and a shot and a half of what’s basically straight Rum.

I felt AMAZING. I didn’t think I COULD feel better than I did when I got on the train but BOY was I wrong.

That’s when they informed me the party was moving. I was just like “lol, you want me to stand up? uhh... Good luck with that...” but I was still mostly sober yet, and between the lot of us, we all managed to get outside and into a handful of Ubers and on our way to the next destination. 

My car was the first one there, so we grabbed a table, I had another cup of water, slowly nursing it and waiting for the rest of the troupe to show up.

I was... a bit less interested in putting anything much more into my stomach at this point, but it’s a wedding, It’d be rude to just sit and drink water while everyone else drank beer. Thing is... I just... don’t like beer. This was a local place, and I could tell it was REALLY GOOD beer, but just... not my thing. I managed to nurse about half a beer and a couple cups of water (They were small cups) while we were there, chatting with new friends and old. It was a good time, even if I was feeling a little meh.

After a couple hours, we moved to the next place. I was feeling a bit less meh, had managed to pace myself pretty well, though I was still pretty giggly and tipsy. and they informed me gleefully that the next place had more Pitorro!! Mixed drinks with new varieties of Pitorro!! :3

I had one of those, tried a sip out my friend’s drink, all of them tasted SO GOOD. and I was SO gone XD tummy was still FULL, but I was just WAY too happy and bubbly to care, and I had PLENTY of people to chat with and grin with and just it was a GOOD time ^.^

After that, a few of us headed up to the bride and groom’s house. Hung out, lazed about with bride’s dog, who hadn’t seen me in about a year and a half and practically LAUNCHED herself over the back of the couch to come greet me, she was SO HAPPY to see her Uncle ‘Chubs.’ 

Around 11, the bride handed me a glass of Jungle Juice and asked my opinion. Bride has a tendency to mix things STRONG XD. But DAMNED if it wasn’t tasty XP

That was the last thing I had for that cheat day, but even the next morning I was feeling it. Didn’t get around to getting up and having breakfast until almost 10am XP (which was a philly cheese steak with all the works from the place on the corner XP) But DAMN was it a good time.

Cheat Day totals

Large bowl of pasta with cheese, sour cream, ham chunks

Four slices of bacon

two eggs

TWELVE tacos

five sampler-servings of Hispanic home cooking

1/2 a beer

~5 shots of Pitorro

~6-8 cups of water

one glass of “jungle juice”

#chubinecco cheats #Not certain about that tag. but for now. since don't want to confuse the people who regularly use the ''cheat day'' tag... #chubinecco talks #stuffing #If you guys are interested. I'm thinking about doing this every month from now on 8D #PS this is fairly stream of consciousness style. and not very edited XP just a forewarn

[steamishot]

February

I took birth control pills for a month, starting December sometime when we didn’t use a condom and I thought there was a slight slight chance I could become pregnant. Then as my period in January was approaching, I stopped taking them again. After my period ended, I started feeling pretty moody and down. I talked to Matt about it saying that my moodiness may be a result of my inconsistency with the ocp and he told me that I don’t have to take them if I don’t want to and he’ll just use protection. So I took him up on his offer because I didn’t wanna deal with that. Starting 3 days ago, I started spotting. I had just completed my period the week before. I started spotting, and then I started full on bleeding as if I was having my period again. I was mildly freaking out because I’ve never experienced that before (and it wasn’t the first time I was on and off the pill). I ended up bleeding more during my second “period” than my actual period. He and my nursing school friend said it seemed normal and that it was fine, as long as I wasn’t experiencing symptoms of feeling weak/lightheaded etc. So I took their word for it and now my second period is almost over lol. Emotionally, I feel better this week. Last week was just a mess—I left work on two days feeling super anxious/stressed and like I needed a glass of wine to relax. Granted, work was crazy, but I don’t have to let the craziness affect me to that degree. I was also being weird about my relationship as evidenced by my last post. I’m taking this Monday slow to ease into the week.

I haven’t been having penetrative sex for very long. I believe it’s been around 2.5-3 years since my first time ever. With my last partner, I didn’t really understand why it was enjoyable sometimes and wasn’t other times. And actually, it wasn’t that enjoyable like 70% of the time with him. 70% or more when he inserted, it was an uncomfortable feeling. At first, I thought it might have been the size difference as to why it doesn’t hurt with my current partner. It seems pretty common sense but I just learned that the more lubricated the sex is/the more wet I am, the better it feels for the both of us and that sex shouldn’t be uncomfortable if I am wet enough. My current partner literally stops when he senses that I’m not into it or that I’m bored, because he feels “rapey” if he continues. He gets off on me getting off. We’ve communicated about sex before and how so and so times were the best. We deduced that when I’m the most relaxed/not thinking ahead about our day/being present with him, I’m able to enjoy myself more and therefore he does too. And because we talked about it, I try to be mindfully present when we’re in that space. It’s really helpful because then I enjoy having sex too. I think our goal is to have me reach orgasm naturally, because I was never to with my last partner during penetrative sex. We improved so much from our first night together lol.

I feel like I almost rely on alcohol to let down my inhibitions so I can communicate with him more freely. As he becomes more comfortable with me (this and he acts different when he’s sick), I think he tries less to be a good listener. He told me he thinks he has ADHD and in the beginning I thought he was only joking, but by hanging out with him more and more, I can see how it might be true. I feel like these past two hangouts when we’re talking, I have to compete with him for the “spotlight” and naturally, I don’t like to talk when I know people aren’t listening or feel rushed to speak again. I’m usually pretty quiet, even with my friends, and I talk more when I know they are good listeners. But a lot of the times, I prefer not to talk as well. There were three different instances in the past two hangouts we’ve been on (he had a cold both times so that may have something to do with it) when he communicated with servers/hosts where he was super spacey and like all ADHD’d out. I thought it was kinda endearing/cute and ended up laughing at him all three times but this is not a positive trait in a partner. I wondered why it was so easy for me to talk to my previous partner about my issues and such, but then caught myself comparing communication in a 3-year relationship to a 4 month relationship. I was like oh wait, we’re still getting to know each other and in that stage of opening up. However, my last partner was definitely more in tune with female feelings than Matt is. That was a double-edged sword because I didn’t like that because of that, he had a lot of female friends and not enough strong male figures in his life. With my last partner, I didn’t really feel the need to talk to my female friends as much for “girl talk” because he probably provided enough of that to me. I think I just have to work around it and it might be healthier this way that my partner doesn’t enable my crazy feelings. There are boundaries and I maintain a relationship with my female friends as well.

Another update, we celebrated Chinese new year with my family yesterday. Due to family drama, I haven’t seen my favorite nephew in a long time (1 year) before my brother’s wedding. When I saw him/hungout with him during the wedding, it was really nice. He’s growing really big and fat but he still has that lovable personality. He messaged me yesterday saying Happy early Chinese new year and it meant a lot because he hasn’t initiated conversation since the family drama happened. I thought, why not pick him up and bring him to my family gathering like the good old days? He lives a little further away now ~12-15 min, so I won’t be able to do it often because it’s time consuming to pick him up and drop him off. But we hung out with the family, and he’s still my little buddy. I made him run/jog 1.5 miles while I worked out. I asked him if he had any song requests. Half of the songs I played were from my playlist, and he chose the rest. In the car ride back home, he asked me what the names of two songs were that I played. It was really cute and nice because he used to do that when he was younger as well. He also revealed to me that he was scared of not getting taller, thinking that overweight kids do not grow taller. I assured him he will grow taller and his fat will even out. It’s a sensitive topic because I know he gets told he is fat a lot. He handles it well and doesn’t really show that he is bothered by it. And in the snap of a finger, the kid that I used to babysit is as tall as me now and weighs 1.5 my weight.

Another incident I wanted to write about before I forgot was me losing my wallet and not even knowing it. On Wednesday night, I stopped by to get gas near my house before going home. When I got home, I just went inside my house and got some food (no one was home that day as my parents and grandma went out for dinner). As I was eating in my room, someone rang the doorbell twice. I was conditioned to not open the door if I was home alone so I just ignored them lol. I heard someone open the gate and then they left. The next day while I was trying to pay for my lunch, I realized my wallet wasn’t in my backpack and thought to myself, oh it must be in my purse or something. Thank goodness for apple pay. Then my day goes by normally. On Friday morning as I was leaving my house for work, I saw my wallet on the floor tucked away behind a pillar. My first instinct was to take a picture of it and I thought some crazy Gloria shit was happening to me (as she tends to have odd experiences). I tried to connect this incident to the weird vibes I was feeling in the hotel room the weekend before and was trying to come up with evidence that paranormal activities are real haha. However, when I got into my car and started texting Matt about the situation, I thought it out and the sequence of events (with the doorbell ringing) made sense. I put two and two together and realized that I was probably clumsy and not paying attention after I left my car to go home on Wednesday night. My wallet was probably still out of my backpack and I accidentally dropped it on the floor. It was already dark too so I wouldn’t have seen it. And a very kind neighbor returned it. Everything was still there-- I had almost $300 in cash and many credit cards with nice limits haha. I was so impressed by humanity that day and felt very fortunate. Our CNY celebration just passed and my mom was like why aren’t you wearing red? I said I’m already lucky and she proceeded to tell my family about how crazy/lucky I am that I dropped my wallet and had it returned to me. And my wallet was out on my porch for two nights and a day before I even found it. My dad joked that I probably did some good in this world and good things happen to me. Thank you world. 

[raechelrae]

1-104

jesus ok if u insist

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

well that would be the group chat i have w/ @bolkonskys-crazy and @beebop85 so i would be v confused and i’m sure they would be too

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

never been kissed :(

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

depends. weed in moderation is fine, but i’d be worried if he did hard drugs or smoked cigarettes or stuff like that

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

yup, 7 to be exact

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

see question #2

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

ALL THE TIME i’m really not good at all with flirting

7. What does your last received text say?

“True”

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

see question #2

9. Where was your last kiss at?

see question #2

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

don’t have one, but i do have a brother

11. What do you drink in the morning?

coffee in any form

12. Where did you sleep last night?

my bed

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

extremely!!! people are so difficult!!!

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

i would probably try to get myself to finish all my college applications sooner bc i put it all to the last minute and it was a hot ass mess

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

see question #2

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

sunny, my hair gets real frizzy when it rains

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

my friend Kirsten from school

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

pajama pants

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

i think dating might get a bit easier once i’m in college so i’d like to think so

20. Does anyone like you?

not that i know of??? but i hope so

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

see question #2

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

see question #2

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

two people come to mind, the guy that sits in front of me in statistics and this sophomore i see at school sometimes. THEY NEVER STOP TALKING and it drives me up a fucking wall 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yeah definitely!!! i want it to be something theatre-related(since i plan on becoming an actor) but i haven’t decided exactly what yet

25. In the past week have you cried?

oh so often, the most recent was yesterday during my therapist appointment

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

my rottweiler Ruby!!! i lover her!!!

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

the towel rack is like, on the opposite side of the room so i have to get out of the shower to dry off

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

see question #2

29. Do you think you’re old?

i’m only 17 so no

30. Do you like text messaging?

yes i love it i would die without it

31. What type of day are you having?

a pretty mellow day, school was canceled bc of snow so i’ve just been drinking cocoa and watchin netflix all day

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

nah, facial piercings aren’t really my thing

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

cold

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

ugh so many i can’t name one. boys suck but they can be pretty cool too

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship, i’m a very all-or-nothing person

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

very very very complicated

37. What song are you listening to?

“Tears Dry On Their Own” by Amy Winehouse

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

definitely. i’m v stubborn so i don’t say sorry if i don’t think i’m actually to blame39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

ha my therapist??? i’m pretty reserved so i don’t share a whole lot of my personal life to m friends40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

jesus idk he’s just… cool??? idk 

41. When did you last receive a text message?

8:47pm42. What is wrong with you right now?

so many things man SHIT I FORGOT TO TAKE MY ADHD MEDS welp there’s one thing that’s wrong with me rn43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

pretty well, I’ve known her for a few years bc of school and we’ve gotten closer reccently bc of shared interests44. Does anyone disgust you? 

no one in my personal life, but Trump is a pretty disgusting human being45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

hell yeah as long as i’m interested in them

46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yeah i feel pretty calm and chill rn47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my dad48. What color shirt are you wearing?

black49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

not that i can think of50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

not at the moment

51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

nah i don’t hate him but i just wish we could’ve communicated better

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yup unrequited love is a bitch, my friends53. Do you like rain?

no fuck rain54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

nah it’s cool as long as it’s in moderation55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

yup i’ve literally never expressed my feelings for someone i had a crush on it’s always been the other way around

56. Do you like to cuddle?

not really, i kind of have personal space issues57. Are you shy?

at first, but i’m quite social once u get to know me58. Do you get along with girls?

yeah fam!!! girls are great!!!59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope60. What do you carry with you at all times?

my wallet and my cell phone

61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

hell yeah!!! i like money!!!62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yeah definitely

63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

if we were in a relationship??? but since we’re not i would say no65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

my cat slept next to me on my bed last night that was pretty cute 

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

see question #2

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?

i always do my nails myself    68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

leopard69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

nope70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?

country music makes me want to kms myself so Lil Wayne

71. Blackberry, Anroid, or iPhone?    

IPHONE72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut? 

???it’s been years   73. Do you like diet soda?    

yes!!! i prefer to it regular actually74. What color are the walls in your room?   

like a pale, yellow-green 75. Are you 16 or older?

yup, i’m 17

76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    

no77. Do you have a job?   

not currently, but i’m working on getting one at my uncle’s restaurant    78. What are your initials?    

roj79. Did you ever have braces?

yup for like, over 2 years    80. Are you from the south?

nope, i’m from connecticut

81. What does your last status on facebook say?

“If you were writing an autobiography, what would you title the chapter where our lives intersected?”    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed? 

see question #2   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

i’m pretty equally close to both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

nope85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?

Rogue One

86. Do you smoke?    

nope87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

heels88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yup89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    

it’s naturally curly90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope

91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

lake92. Have you ever made out in a car?  

see question #2  93. …Had sex in a car?    

see question #294. Are you single or in a relationship?  

single  95. What were you doing last night at midnight?

sleeping lol

96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    

at the big summer festival my town does every year

97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yeah it’s pretty good98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    

see question #299. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

nope i don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?

pretty much everyone i went to middle school with lol

101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

no102. Name your favorite Kesha song:   

“Take It Off” 103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    

no it’s winter104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

NO I WOULD NEVER

ur fucking welcome anon that took me 30 whole minutes

Ask me things!

#asks #anon