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allthewritem0ves · 1 year

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Green Eggs and Ham: Blood Money

Episode One: Momma Drops In

It was a bright sunny day in Glurfsburg.

All seemed calm

In that small town

Nothing but a bad surprise

Could bring their spirits down

The Am-I’s readjusted

As their family increased tenfold

Nothing was worth more to them

Not even a ton of gold

Six months had passed since their, ahem, “vacation” in Whoville. Summer was approaching. Junior was now six inches taller and could count on one hand how many words he could say. E.B. would finally be starting high school next autumn. Guy’s Inventionarium made huge profits after the holiday season, and the Am-I’s were well-off for it.

On the wall of the living room was an even bigger family portrait painted by Michellee. Not only did it include the four Am-I’s, but also the I-Am’s (Sam, Gluntz, Molly, Pam and even Grinch -despite him and Pam only dating) and the McWinkle’s (Terry, Melanie, Jack and his father). Took Michellee a good four days to finish it and everyone loved it. Have it be known that family was one of the most important things that mattered to her. And she thought her family was big before what happened in Whoville? Well, it’s even better now!

Oh, writer

You just had to start a tempest

Something has to go wrong now

Since you kicked the hornet’s nest

And their days were ruined with a knock at the door.

Guy and Michellee were watching cartoons with Junior when the sound jolted them. Michellee started to get up, but Guy said, “No, I’ll get it.”

He opens the door and finds a complete monster.

Or his mother-in-law (but he didn’t know that yet.)

A complete nightmare

That old bat, Rose Weebie

If she wasn’t so rich,

People would avoid her like expired ebi

She had apparently just gotten out of her limo that was parked adjacent to the curb. She had tan fur, was wearing a purple dress with a sweater tied around her shoulders, cat-eye glasses with diamond encrusted corners, had ten golden bracelets on her left wrist and a watch on the other, a rosary around her neck and, on her bed of curly brown hair, was a bedazzled comb holding it in place.

“Are you the help?”, she asked Guy.

He scoffs in offense, “No! I live here!”

Michellee turns her head and sees the commotion. Then her eyes widened.

“Oh no! This can’t be!”

Michellee was definitely thinking

She thought she’d left her mother

In the past, her heart began sinking

“Mother?!”

“Michellee! I finally found you!” She pushes past Guy and walks in. She looked around, an unimpressed expression on her face, but it quickly turned back into a smile as she approached her daughter.

“What are you doing here, Mother?”, Michellee asked, trembling with fear.

“I was gonna tell you that. First I demand you tell me everything.”

“Everything about what?”

“Since you left for college.”

——

In her room, E.B. was talking on the phone with her boyfriend, Looka BaDooka.

Ah, the two pubescent lovebirds

Chirping long distance

Looka was giving his girl

Advice on secondary school persistence

(…)

Yeah, it’s my best

“Wow. That sounds like torture”, she said.

“Yeah. But who knows? School’s different for everyone”, Looka tried to assure her.

“That’s what Mom and Guy tell me.”

“At least you go to a regular school with regular people. Everyone I go to school with talks nonstop about their wealth and they think I’m nuts because I’m dating a common girl.”

“Really? Is that what they call me?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, Looka. They should be.”

Just then, there was a knock on her door. Her stepfather walked in.

“Oh, hey, Guy.”

“You’d better come downstairs.”

“What’s going on?”

“Your grandmother’s stopped by.”

——

After Michellee told her story, she asked, “How’d you find me, Mother?”

“The same way any concerned mother would: I hired a private investigator to track you down. After you made the news, it was in the bag.” Rose moves her finger across the armrest of the couch. An oval of dust covered her fingertip. “Ugh”, she scoffs.

“Had I known you were coming, I would’ve dusted”, Michellee said kind of hurt.

“Yeah, that’s nice, dear”, Rose replied in a quick and rude manner.

Just then, Guy and E.B. came downstairs.

“Now, let me introduce everyone, Mother.” Holding her toddler son close to herself, she introduces him. “This is Guy Jr.” Then she points to the others. “That’s Guy, my husband, and Elanabeth, my daughter.”

“Everyone just calls me E.B. though”, she says.

Suddenly, Rose was ecstatic to see her grandchildren. But Guy? She had instant disdain for.

Rose eyed her son-in-law

Like an insect that must be squashed

His commoner appearance

Clashed with her own sense of posh

Rose forced a smile.

“And Guy. This is my…” Michellee stopped to breathe in. “My mother, Rose.”

“Charmed”, he said with a sarcastic edge.

No one said anything for a solid minute.

“Well, well. Not much of a talker, any of you, huh?” The old lady shakes her head.

“Umm…Guy! Why don’t you take the kids into the kitchen and get them some lunch?”, Michellee suggested.

“Gladly.” He patted E.B. on the shoulder and she walked into the kitchen. He then walked over to the couch, picked up Junior and entered the kitchen.

“Papa”, Junior said.

“I know, son. Mommy’s busy right now.”

As soon as she felt that they weren’t being eavesdropped, Michellee then asks, “Okay, Mother. Why are you here? You come to ruin my life some more?”

Rose laughs in that upper class style of laughter. “When have I ever ruined your life?”

“Don’t even make me start there.”

“‘Cause it’s false. I only came back because your father has done so too.”

Michellee looked her mother in the eye. “Daddy’s home?”

“Yes. That little traitor came crawling back, says he’s dying or some crock.”

“What?!”

“Says he has cancer or something. Wants to see his ‘little girl’ before he goes.”

Michellee gasps. “Daddy’s sick?”

“Afraid so.”

Michellee puts her head in her hands and makes a soft sob.

“You should feel bad. I blame you too.”

“Mother!”

Oh, my Seuss

I know she did not just say that!

Blaming her daughter for such a thing?

She might as well bludgeon her with a bat!

“How could you say such a thing?!”

Rose scoffs and rolls her eyes. “Like you don’t remember.”

Her daughter makes an expression that was simultaneously angry and confused. “Uh, no, I don’t!”

“Hmph. Denial.”

Michellee gets up and walks to the kitchen to join her family. Guy was giving Junior spoonful after spoonful of applesauce while E.B. ate a sandwich. All three stopped what they were doing as Michellee walked over to the counter.

“Anything happen?”, Guy questioned.

“You okay, Mom?”, E.B. asked.

She doesn’t answer. Instead, she grabs the nearby bottle of Brisky that sits in the corner for special occasions, pops the cap off and starts guzzling it.

“Honey!”, Guy exclaimed. He takes the bottle, a few drops spilling on the floor, and sets it down. “What happened?”, he asked again, his hands resting on her shoulders.

Attempting to hold back tears, Michellee shakes her head. “She said…” She pauses in the effort to keep her tears down. “…said that I’m…” A sniffle sounds from her nose. “…that I’m the reason Daddy’s sick!” Her voice crescendos until it cracks and she cries. She throws her arms around her husband, holding him tightly and weeping into his shoulder.

“What made her come to that conclusion?”, Guy asked angrily.

Michellee sniffles again and takes another gasp of breath, then releases it as another sob. “I really don’t know. I was just a little girl when he left.”

Guy pats her back to console her.

“I should’ve known she wouldn’t have been any different than when I last saw her! Now she knows where we live too!”

Suddenly, they felt another pair of arms wrap around them. It was E.B. She didn’t say anything, just hugged her parents. Junior slipped out of his high chair, waddled over and wrapped his arms around his mother’s knees.

Now Michellee was feeling better. She pecks Guy on the lips and crouches down to be eye level with the children, and then envelops them into an embrace.

“Thanks, everyone”, she sobs.

“I wuv you, Mom”, said Junior. His parents and sister looked at him in pure amazement. It wasn’t his first sentence, but it warmed their hearts just as it did the first time around. Michellee gave her son a tight embrace.

“Michellee!”

Leave it to Rose

To ruin such a great scene!

And you don’t even know

How much she can truly be mean

That’s when she came intruding into the kitchen. “There you are! What’s going on? You can’t just leave your mother hanging like that! Especially not after eighteen years of doing so!”

“Well, I figured”, Michellee emphasized angrily, “a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt.” Now even Guy and the kids eyed Rose with displeasure.

“Attitude aside, will you at least come home for the weekend? If you’re not gonna do it for me, do it for your father.”

——

Michellee led Guy into their bedroom so as to not be eavesdropped.

“I’m torn, Guy”, Michellee told her husband. “I wanna see my father again before he goes. But, at the same time, I can’t stand my mother; a whole weekend with her will be a disaster. I know it.”

“Yeah, your mom’s a complete mess and I only just met her today.”

Michellee leans into Guy’s chest, her arms around him. “I’m just afraid of what she’ll potentially do.”

“Don’t worry, hon. After all, it’ll only be the weekend as you said. I promise you, as soon as you ask, we’ll pack up and leave. Would that work?”

She nods. “I think so. You know what? Maybe we can have Sam come along.”

“Really? How come?”

“I know he’ll make things brighter. Plus, he’s family too.”

“True. But he’s got a child to care for and a wedding to plan; a little too much on his plate. He shouldn’t have to put those on hold just for us.”

Michellee sniffles. “Okay.”

“I'm sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you more. How about I call him to see if he wants to come along?”

“Excellent!”

Guy breaks free from his wife’s embrace, walks over to the phone and dials Sam’s number.

“Hey, Guy!”, he shouted from the other end.

Rubbing his ear, Guy replies, “Hello, Sam.”

“So…what’s up? Anything new?”

“Yes, actually. Michellee’s mom came by-”

“Wait. Michellee’s mom? What’s she like?”

“Absolutely dreadful. She wants Michellee to come back home for the weekend so she can see her father again.”

“Well…if she’s dreadful, how can it be worth it in any kind of way?”

“That’s where you come in, Sam-I-Am. Michellee wanted me to ask you if you’d like to come with us.”

“Ah! About that…I don’t think I can.”

“How come?”

“You see, I’m about to be a big brother, and Mom and Grinch need my help!”

“What?! Pam’s pregnant?!”, Guy asked happily, looking at Michellee, too. She puts her fists under her chin in excitement.

“Oh, no. They’re adopting instead.”

“Even so. Tell them I said congrats.”

“Will do, best friend! Good luck this weekend!”

“Sure thing. Bye.” And he hangs up. “Sorry, hon. Sam can’t come. He’s taking a little detour with his mom and Grinch.”

“Aww, man. But the baby’s more important. Didn’t he say that Pam’s having a baby?”

“Adopting one with Grinch, actually.”

“Just as good! I’m so happy for them!”

Ahh!!!

Pam’s having a baby too!

I know it’s getting kinda stale

But it’s an adoption, so it’s kinda new

“So, what do you say? Should we give this weekend a chance?”, Guy asked.

——

The driver helped the Am-I’s put their luggage in the trunk of the limo. Rose sat inside on the seat alongside the right of the vehicle. Guy, Michellee, E.B. and Junior all huddled together at the rear, adamant to stay together.

Everyone rode in awkward silence for a long while. All until Guy asked, “Where is it we’re actually going?”

“Snobbery Hills”, Michellee and Rose answered simultaneously.

“Snobbery Hills?”, Guy parroted. “That’s like a four hour drive from here!”

“Yep. So you better get comfortable”, Rose replied.

On the way, E.B. talked to Looka some more on the phone, but since her grandmother was in such close proximity, she had to pick her words carefully.

Michellee slumped her head against Guy’s shoulder and shut her eyes.

#green eggs and ham #fanfic #guy am i #michellee #eb #guy jr #ocs

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