#looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship

[honeycordials]

it turns out that I'm not this horrible manipulative person who's angry all the time ive just been told that my entire life whenever I didn't give someone what they wanted.

#more shocking revelations to come as i finally put REAL effort into processing my trauma #my parents love to talk about how awful i was as a kid #how i was manipulative angry and violent and i never thought of anyone but myself #and i genuinely believed that because no one ever told me any different #i believed that i needed to work hard and sacrifice as much as i can for the people i love in order to make up for them enduring me #now that ive surrounded myself with kind and gentle people #im not angry all the time #disagreements are conversations and even if they get a little emotional sometimes we're not fighting #looking back i don't think its a coincidence that those same insults were hurled towards me when i decided to end a friendship #at the time i took it as proof that my parents and my ex were right #i WAS that horrible person and it didn't matter what i did i could never make up for that #it caused me to relapse into self harm after it had been YEARS since id done that #but ive since come to realize that the actual common denominator in all of the situations where ive been called those things #is when i wasn't doing what the person saying them wanted me to #these were words said to hurt me #to get me to either give in and give them what they wanted or punish myself on their behalf #coming to that conclusion has made a world of difference #this shit is still hard and im still carrying these beliefs about myself around with me #but every day it gets easier to put those down and recognize who i REALLY am #and who i really am is pretty great #personal #self harm mention #tw self harm #tw child abuse #self harm #child abuse #child abuse mention #wanted to cover all my bases with tws #though i don't really expect anyone else to actually read all my tags lol