#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

[porcelainchurch]

gaining the weight wasn’t easy but now begins the hard part; maintaining it and fighting the urge to relapse :,)

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #ed recovery

[porcelainchurch]

ok Hi im triggered ! my mum just described one of her friend's daughter as being super skinny and looking like she has an ed and now i'm just so competitive and feel like utter shitand i wanna kms . i looked up her ig and Yeah she def has an ed and now with my mum saying that i feel like i have to be skinnier than her to even consider myself sick and i HATE how my mum keeps pointing out emaciated people in public saying 'look they have anorexia' which enforces the idea that i have to look a certain way to be valid and i feel like my bmi of under 14 was bs and not even that serious at all !!!!!!! wtf am i on about i was never fucking sick in the first place i don't have a problem and never did i fucking hate myself AND i'm losing weight i'm just not that skinny yet because it's been Five Days (and even in these five days i've gotten noticably thinner bc i just Can't Eat more than one meal a day) i hate my mother sometimes even though i know she doesn't do it on purpose

she also had anorexia when she was in her twenties and i feel like she's belittling me even though i know that's not true and she just wants to help and 'scare me out of it' but it feels so fucking invalidating !

seriously i feel like utter fucking garbage i wanna die and just Starve even more i will go to extreme fucking lengths to prove to her that i'm just as fucking sick as all these other people i won't fucking quit until i have a heart attack and drop dead .

i just need someone to tell me i'm sick and valid. that my suffering hasn't been for nothing.

#tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na tw #4n0r3x14 #4na vent #4na blog #4n4 blog #4na rant #4n4 rant #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

[porcelainchurch]

every morning i wake up with purple hands and white fingers and my whole body shivers and trembles throughout the day and i cannot force food down my throat and nothing makes sense but i'm still. so. big.

i don't understand. i genuinely can't wrap my head around how i eat around 300kcal a day and still my body swells before my very eyes.

i looked in the mirror and saw a giant. a morbid amalgamation of flesh and fat that serves no purpose other than to morph into a form even more repulsive than the last.

i'm so tired.

feeling like the blob at the end of 'i have no mouth and i must scream' lmfaooo

#tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

[porcelainchurch]

ﾟ *:ꔫ:*﹤　tw　﹥*:ꔫ:* ﾟ

tw for the pics below !! i'm losing my mind over not having the slightest clue about what i've looked like i just look so Normal idk😭😭love how my brain gaslights me 247 or what if it's right and i do in fact look the way i see myself

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　༺☆༻　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀‌  (\∞(\‌ ‌ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀（‌ᴗˬᴗ*)‌ ‌ 　‌  ‌☆*‌ﾟ‌*‌｡‌　‌｡‌*‌ﾟ‌UU‌    ‌)‌ ‌ ‌　‌*‌｡‌　‌ ‌　‌☆‌　‌ ‌　‌*U‌ ‌U‌ ‌ 　‌ ‌ﾟ‌*‌｡‌ ‌take‌ ‌care‌  ‌｡‌*‌ ‌ 　‌　‌ﾟ‌*‌｡‌            ‌｡‌*‌ﾟ‌ ‌ 　‌　‌   ‌　‌ﾟ‌*‌｡‌｡‌*‌ﾟ‌ ‌

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　༺☆༻　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

#tw ana thoughts #an0r3x14 #4n0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #e 🦋 #c 🦋 #mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

[porcelainchurch]

tw numberz

i feel weak and dizzy n i have a headache,,, i've eaten ~380kcal today and burned ~150kcal and my mom's mad at me bc i won't eat supper but i Genuinely feel like if i eat Anything i'll literally fucking die but she said if i don't make food for myself she'll make it for me and im just like ?????? so distressed ??? i don't wanna eat i can't eat i literally Can't eat anything rn and on saturday we're going on a picnic and she's gonna make crepes and i'm already worrying my stupid little head sick over it . omg i sound fucking crazy

and i still don't even look skinny !!!!!!!!!! but at the same time i see weird crevices all over my body but i'm just !!!!!!! not thin !!!!!!!!!!

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #c 🦋

[porcelainchurch]

tw mention of bmi/numbers in the pic below

so theyre saying i had EXTREME an0rexia ???????????

i think i'm around 16.5 rn but like my lowest bmi was below 14 .........

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog

[porcelainchurch]

am i skinny ?????? at all ???????? whatsoever ??????????????

i can't remember the last time i craved validation for my ed this badly

i just want my suffering to be seen and heard and felt

i want a raw reaction to my pain because it Fucking Hurts

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog

[porcelainchurch]

help i need to take a shower but i haven't eaten anything today and i feel super dizzy but the thought of eating anything at all makes me rly anxious ,,,, i could wait for supper and shower after that bc i've allowed myself that one meal but anything extra feels way too much😭😭

this is the first time in a while that i'm this irrationally scared of food bc i Know a bowl of frozen raspberries won't make me gain weight but it feels terrifying nonetheless !

#an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #tw ed in the tags #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na vent #4na blog #4na tw #c 🦋 #e 🦋 #mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧

[porcelainchurch]

thinking about how my bf was really concerned that he could feel (& see) the bones on my chest under my collarbones makes me feel invincible

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #c 🦋

[porcelainchurch]

mini update so i dont forget ab this blog,, tw numberz

my weight went slightly up and then back down again, my bmi's around 15.7 rn !! i've been feeling awful physically (and mentally, depression sucks) like every day i legit feel like i'm gonna die. my heart feels heavy and i'm out of breath super quick and i'm either so cold i'm shivering or i have cold sweat. and no i'm not sick :,) im just being overdramating like im not actually gonna die but in my head i subconsciously keep repeating 'i'm gonna die' & 'oh my god i feel like im gonna die' over and over again

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #c 🦋

[porcelainchurch]

updates !!! tw numbers

i bought myself a scale about a week ago oops, checked my weight today and it's 41.6kg which makes my bmi 15.4 and it feels kinda crazy bc i don't look like i've lost any weight whatsoever,,,, i overate today but it's okay bc it's rare for me to overeat these days bc most of the time i just can't get myself to eat anything so weight loss happens pretty much effortlessly at this point :,) i guess i should be concerned but i'm not, i'll get sick in no time this way

i came home after staying a couple nights at my bf's place (it was lovely to see him after like a month even though i've been really depressed he's very understanding and gentle ab it<3) and i've been crying the whole afternoon😵‍💫😵‍💫part of me misses him but a bigger part of me is just scared? i have no idea of what but i'm just really scared?? like i'm scared of being too intense and scaring him off or letting myself fully let my guard down and then he gets sick of me and leaves or maybe i'm taken aback by how sincerely good he is to me and i don't know how to recieve that kind of warmth because i'm scared i'll hold it too tight and break it or maybe i fear that (no matter how unlikely) i'll be abandoned again at my most vulnerable or maybe i just don't know what to do with it at all because i lack the capacity to want things for myself

on top of that i'm kind of in a honeymoon stage again when it comes to my ed like i don't really think of it as a problem at all, but my bf seemed to be kind of worried and softly demanded, or more like begged, me to eat something when i hadn't eaten anything which i then did bc i hate conflict more than i hate myself loll

and now i've been grieving the existence of my eating disorder through his eyes

like i'm sorry to him that i'm this way

and i guess most of all i'm afraid of getting attached to him and letting him get close to me because i'm scared one day i'll get too much for him to handle and he'll have to let go of me and leave and i guess i'm subconsciously trying to save myself from that experience of abandonment at all costs even though that scenario relies on a bunch of 'what if's

because i know how hard he's worked to get his shit together and i don't wanna be the thing to tear him down

it's not that i don't believe him when he says he loves me but it's hard for me to trust that it'll last

anyway i desperately need therapy but i'm not allowed therapy because of my ed🥳

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #c 🦋

[porcelainchurch]

tw bodi check below

so i binged yesterday (ate a whole tub of ice cream by myself in one sitting + a warm meal my mom made + rice cakes w butter😕) but somehow still woke up skinnier????

i always stand in a way where my feet touch each other to rly monitor my thigh gap:,)

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog #c 🦋

[porcelainchurch]

b0dy ch3cks ? bc i'm losing my mind<//333 keep in mind i've gained weight i think ?? i thought ??

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog

[porcelainchurch]

also the skinnier i get the more scared i am of eating??? like i get so terrified of losing it

or gaining it back, rather

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog

[porcelainchurch]

i'm with my family at our summer cottage rn and i've gained sm weight i look so huge i'm super anxious but i can lose it again ,,,, it's just frustrating but i have to put on a play in front of my younger nieces and i just . have !!! to !!! eat !!! but the day i get out of here i'm starving myself for the rest of the month since my bf's out of town too<3

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #4n0r3x14

[porcelainchurch]

my mom said she's really worried ab me regarding my weight loss and pointed out how my pelvic bones stick out of my skin

and it made me sad

but i'm still not small enough to get better

#mai's diary 2022 ୨♡୧ #tw ana thoughts #4n0r3x1c #4na blog #4na tw #4na vent #an0r3x14 #an0r3xi4 #4n0r3x14 #4n4 blog