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phoenix-rising-starbird-one · 2 months

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😂😭🥹

So. 1400 and I’ve been talking about failures in life and how I feel like it’s my default. I feel like my life has been 95% failure and 5% success. Mind you, this is a topic that comes up often from my side. We talked again this last week. Lots of crying on my part as well. I also mentioned how, somehow, I always feel like I can’t do things by myself. Like there’s nothing wrong with help of course, but like I feel like I can’t do shit without someone constantly holding my hand.

So what does this goof do? Sends me a video of when he first started surfing, with Break My Stride as score. (I’ve added the song at the bottom if you’ve never heard it before.) Now, some people are naturals when they first pick up surfing. 1400 was not. Lmao. But eventually, he got it. I met him at a stage in his life, where he’d already been surfing for a bit and he’s really good. But I am aware, that even if you’re a natural, it takes time and practice, and a fair amount of falling and getting back up, and more practice and falling… You get the idea.

Now. That video made for a good laugh. Cause that’s just so 1400. You know. He knows how to poke fun at himself.

But what would the weekend be without a good cry, right? I mean he didn’t keep it at that video. He also sent me a second one. And… I don’t know when he had the time and HOW he even got all those pictures from before we met. (I mean I’m sure he asked everyone I know, lol.) Like there’s little 9 years old me sitting on a stack of three suitcases. The amount we had when my family left East Germany. Or a picture of me learning to ride a bike, with scuffed knees and my besties from elementary holding the bike, and me, three days later holding my “biking license” cause in Germany a lot of kids get a bicycle license in elementary, right? I had like a week to learn cause I’d never learned to or owned a bike. But I learned to ride the bike in less than that. Then there were pictures of me and my sis at one of her school recitals. I was the one who attended cause our parents never made the time.

Like there are so many pictures. Right. Me, holding my first driver’s license after barely passing. My American citizenship. My degrees. First day at work pictures. Unpacking and packing cause of how many times we moved. Festival pictures where I traveled by myself and met total strangers cause how crazy was that? Pictures of my art and fiber works, from when I first started to most recent. Pictures of me writing. Pictures during and post the whole cancer ordeal. The picture after I’d almost suffocated cause my tracheotomy failed twice! Like that one hit hard. The picture of me ringing the bell. Pictures of me in so many hospital beds and even still out after surgeries*. Clearing the house after divorce. Pics of my new place here. Etc…

And also arriving in FFM with three suitcases. That picture was a pivotal moment in the video because he split the view of me arriving in FFM with three suitcases with the picture of when I was little and sat on three suitcases when my family left East Germany. 1400 subtitled it with “STILL TRYING TO FIND THE WOMAN WHO IS FAILING. I don’t see her. Can you point her out to me?”

And I’m just…

And god dammit. And then he layered Rise Up as the score to it all. I just can’t. With this man. S’agapó…

* please know I gave my son permission to take those because he was documenting my battle for his video and photography class!

#Spotify

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