#maybe I’ll do a Kelsey and actually look at a beat sheet | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

1dfangirls35 · 5 years

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Voir Dire (N.H.): A fake dating OU about contracts, soulmates, and risking it all for love

four

five

Kelsey woke up in an unfamiliar bed. The white cotton sheets and plush comforter that touched her bare skin were far too soft to be the bargain threads in her apartment. The room was far too spotless to be hers and the framed black and white Eagles tour poster that was directly in her line of view certainly didn't belong in her apartment either. It was only when she sensed the presence of the sleeping body next to her that the events of last night came rushing back to her.

The club. The lights. The cab ride to Niall's house. Fast kisses and slow hands. A euphoria she hadn't felt for a long time.

But in the the wake of morning, Kelsey realized the insanity of it all. This was completely out of character for her. She barely knew Niall, and she surely didn't want him to think that she was emotionally available- she clearly wasn't. Last night had been fun, and that was all it needed to be. Nothing more.

Kelsey knew she needed to leave before he awoke and she could realize the mistake that she had made.

She grasped the closest thing she could find to cover her naked body- a black hoodie folded neatly on a black chaise in the corner of the bedroom. Kelsey yanked it over her head before frantically trying to search the room for her lost belongings. She followed a trail of various garments strewn across the dark hardwood floors out into the living room, reaching down to pick up her jeans from the foot of the couch when Niall's voice startled her.

"Making a run for it this morning?"

Kelsey turned around slowly. Niall was leaning against his bedroom doorway in only his black Calvin Klein boxer briefs, looking just as intriguing as he had last night. Kelsey averted her eyes, trying to focus on the doorframe behind him instead of the half-naked man in front of her. The last thing she needed to be doing was thinking about Niall in that way. She was just seeing herself out.

"Figured it was for the best," Kelsey replied quickly. In all honesty it was a bit of self-defense. Kelsey didn't want to be the one kicked out of the celebrity dream house, she'd take things into her own hands.

"I don't usually uh...do this with girls. I mean..." Niall stammered, his brain unable to form a coherent sentence.

Kelsey's face turned into a questioning smile.

Niall quickly corrected himself. "I mean I do this with girls, but not like this," he sighed throwing his hands up in the air at his inability to express his thoughts. "I guess what I'm trying to say is I usually like to take a girl to dinner first."

Kelsey found her self stifling a laugh. "No dinner needed," she fiddled with the jeans that were now in her arms. "But I should probably get going."

"At least let me make you some breakfast before you leave?" Niall pleaded, forming his lips into a pout. He felt like he had to do something to convince himself that it wasn't just a One Night Stand- even if in reality that was what it was.

Kelsey smiled. "I guess breakfast wouldn't hurt." Kelsey figured at this point the damage was already done, it wouldn't hurt to spend a little longer living out the fantasy of countless fangirls.

"If you'd like, you can take a quick shower. Bathroom's just off the master. Should be some clean towels hanging up," Niall gestured into the bedroom they both emerged from. "I'll get some food going."

Niall left his perch on the door frame to head towards the kitchen, leaving Kelsey to pick up her remaining articles of clothing. It crossed her mind for a moment to make her escape right then, but she couldn't do that to Niall. He had been so nice to her, and besides, she rather enjoyed his company.

Kelsey walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting the steam from the hot water begin to fill the room. She stared at her face in the mirror, noticing a glow that she hadn't seen for quite some time. Even her brown eyes, seemed to have more hazel to them than usual.

She stepped into the shower, letting the warm water run over her skin. The warmth reminded her of Niall's touch, and she shuddered as her mind flashes back to last night. Kelsey pushed the thought deep into the darkest corners of her mind. All the instant chemistry in the world couldn't convince her to get romantically involved with someone again, even if that instant chemistry was with Niall Horan.

Meanwhile, Niall found himself humming the tune of his latest single while frying up some eggs and bacon on his stainless steel stovetop. He felt his mood had done a complete 180 from the events of yesterday. Maybe it simply the fact that sleeping with a girl that was not his alleged girlfriend was a big 'fuck you' to his management, but Niall couldn't help but think that maybe it was more.

It had been a long time since he had felt as instantly connected to someone as he did with Kelsey. She was a breath of fresh air really, expressing a genuity that was hard to find in the crowds of Los Angeles. Niall knew that logistically, nothing could ever come of this. But somehow, he still found himself eager to continue the conversation with her and make a good impression on his guest. He only hoped that the connection would continue as easily sans alcohol.

"Smells good," Kelsey startled Niall with her presence in the kitchen. Her now damp hair lay over her shoulders and onto Niall's black hoodie, which Kelsey had pulled over last night's jeans.

"Hope it's okay that I snagged your hoodie for the time being. Going out outfits aren't quite as appealing the next morning," Kelsey slid onto the black barstool and rested her elbows against Niall's white granite kitchen countertop.

"Not a problem," Niall said with a smile, wondering if her scent would linger on his hoodie after she left. He turned back to the stove momentarily to check on the now sizzling bacon.

"Your place is gorgeous by the way," Kelsey added trying to fill the void in conversation. "But I mean, of course it is." Kelsey wished she could retract her words as soon as they leave her mouth. Complimenting him on his house? Was that the best she could do?

"It is. Sometimes I can barely believe I live in it."

"Did you ever imagine your life would end up like this?" Kelsey asked, gazing over at the brunette scrambling eggs.

"Never in a million years."

Kelsey supposed her answer to the question would be the same. Never in a million years would she have imagined a pop star would be cooking her breakfast in his mansion. But then again, never in a million years would she have guessed that she would even been in a city like Los Angeles, not having spoken to her mother in months. Single, working as a bartender, and mostly alone.

"Always thought I would end up being some business man in Dublin who would play guitar at a pub every once and a while to keep himself young," Niall laughed. "Guess that's why I try not to take myself too seriously, I'm living the dream of so many people."

Kelsey nodded. Niall was so different than she ever would have imagined. I mean she never thought he was one of those obnoxious celebrities, but she definitely expected him to be a little less...well normal.

"And how about you Kelsey? Did you always want to come out to LA?" he asked as he places a plate of steaming bacon and eggs in front of Kelsey before taking a seat on the barstool next to her with his own.

"Wasn't exactly my plan," she said with a shrug. Niall can tell that there is probably more to that story than meets the eye. But why would she share that with him, a stranger by most definitions?

"Ehh, who needs plans anyway? What ever happened to just living your life?" Niall's voice became laced with a bit more passion than he intended. He supposed that had something to do with the fact that the plans that now ran his life weren't even his own.

Kelsey laughed. "Wish my type A self could accept that. Unfortunately, I'd rather beat myself up bombing a test I was well prepared for," Kelsey took a bit of her eggs, shaking her head. She wasn't sure why she just shared that piece of information with Niall Horan, but she supposed it wasn't like he could judge. The man likely didn't even have a high school degree.

"Well hey for what it's worth, I'm glad you bombed that test," Niall said with a smile.

Kelsey raised an eyebrow.

Niall laughed. It was a deep, full-bellied laugh. The kind of laugh that makes you want to laugh too. "Because if you had passed the test, I wouldn't have spilled a drink on you last night and well, I wouldn't be eating breakfast with you now."

"Listen Niall..." Kelsey began. She figured she better be the bearer of bad news before Niall got his hopes up that this was going to be some kind of long-term thing. Not that Niall wouldn't be the type of person she would want a long-term thing with, because he was. It was just that, at this point in time, and probably for a while longer, Kelsey wasn't emotionally available enough to commit to any kind of possible relationship. Even if it was with someone that she connected with so quickly.

"I should tell you, last night. Well, last night was really great." Kelsey finds herself smiling thinking back. "The most fun I've had in a long-time actually."

Niall nodded in agreement. "Last night was quite fun, wasn't it?"

"And you are great Niall, you really are. But this thing, well, I'm just not in a place right now to get emotionally involved with anyone," Kelsey paused for a moment hoping she wasn't coming across as too insensitive. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not you it's me? But let's just leave it as a night of fun?" Kelsey lets out a slight uncomfortable laugh, the kind of laugh that is given to fill a void of silence rather than because something was actually funny.

"Oh no, I mean, if I'm honest with ye, you could say I'm not really in a position right now to start anything. It was just a good time," Niall stumbled. "You're great Kelsey, but ya, timing's just not right for us."

"Exactly," Kelsey replied. She was glad Niall seemed to be on the same page.

"But if you ever want to hang or something. Give me a ring," Niall added, picking up Kelsey's phone from the counter and plugging in his number.

"Okay," Kelsey said. She stood up from the counter. "I should probably get back to my apartment, got to hear all about the date," she laughed. "Thanks for breakfast, it was delicious actually."

"You sound surprised," Niall chuckled, grabbing Kelsey's empty plate and placing it in the sink to wash later.

"Didn't know pop stars could cook I guess," Kelsey teased. Gathering up her clothes and purse from the pile on the couch. She gazed down and saw that she's still wearing Niall's sweatshirt.

"Ooops, better give you this back."

"Nah, you can keep it," Niall said. What was one sweatshirt? "Give it back to me some other time if it really bothers ya."

Kelsey nodded in understanding, standing awkwardly holding her clothes in her hands. What was the appropriate goodbye in this type of situation? "Well, I guess I better get going then," she gestured towards the door.

"It was nice to meet you Kelsey," Niall said, wrapping his arms around her in a hug. Kelsey took a deep inhale of his scent, before pulling away and heading out the door.

Niall watched as Kelsey walked out the door. There was something about this girl that wasn't like any of the others. He just wished the timing was right.

**********************************************

"Where were you last night?" Becca exclaimed with a raise of an eyebrow as soon as Kelsey stepped in the apartment door. Becca was seated on the couch, legs up in the air and latest tabloid open upon her chest. Her date nowhere to be seen.

"Jeez can I get in the door?" Kelsey said with a laugh, slipping off her heels before sauntering over to set her purse on the kitchen counter. Becca eyed her as she walked, and Kelsey didn't have to look her way to know her roommate had a lot to say.

"Is that..." Becca began, gesturing to the black hoodie still adorning Kelsey's body. Kelsey looked down at the soft black fabric, she'd nearly forgotten it wasn't her own. She nodded, which triggered a high-pitched squeal to be released from Becca's mouth.

"Oh my god Kels, I can't believe it. You really did it."

"Did what?" Kelsey asked, even though she knew exactly what she had done. It was shocking even to her, the girl that had sworn off the male species. And just as shockingly, Kelsey wasn't regretting it. She felt strangely empowered, like she was reinventing herself.

"You know exactly what," Becca laughed. "You are glowing girl, I haven't seen you this happy since..." Becca stopped her sentence before finishing.

Kelsey didn't need her to finish. That sentence ends with a name. Sam. And that happiness had been a long time ago. That happiness was before Kelsey realized what a lying, cheating scumbag Sam Harris was. Back in the honeymoon phase when Kelsey thought she had found the perfect man.

Kelsey didn't want to hear Becca compare her evening with Niall to her relationship with Sam. Just the mention of her deceitfully perfect former relationship had enough negative thoughts associated with it to ruin anything in its path.

"Sorry," Becca said shyly. "I'm just really glad that you enjoyed yourself. You deserve it you know."

Kelsey smiled. Becca was right, she did deserve to have a night like that on occasion. Something to make her feel like her life wasn't absolutely in shambles, even if only for a few hours.

"So are you going to see him again?" Becca inquired.

"Niall?" Kelsey asked, eliciting an eye roll from Becca.

"No I was asking about the bouncer from last night, yes Niall."

"I don't think so..." Kelsey trailed off. She thought about the contact that now took up a space in her phone, the one that could keep her touch with Niall if she ever so wished.

"Wait don't tell me he's one of those celebrities that takes home a different girl every night, he seemed so normal last night."

"No, no," Kelsey instantly found herself coming to Niall's defense. Even in the short time she had spent with Niall she was certain that he wasn't that kind of guy. No, Kelsey believed Niall to be someone who didn't want to use his fame as an advantage. If anything, he wanted to be seen as just another guy.

"It was more that you know, neither of us were really looking for anything serious," Kelsey explained.

"You mean YOU aren't ready for anything serious," Becca corrected her. Kelsey sighed, while Becca wasn't completely wrong, her departure from Niall's place this morning had shown a mutual understanding of the situation. She'd gotten the vibe that he wasn't exactly available either.

"I may not be ready for it," Kelsey reluctantly admitted. "But we both agreed, the timing is not right...for either of us."

Becca let out an overdramatic groan. Kelsey turned her head to her friend, ready to hear whatever lecture she was about to give. "What now?"

"You do know Kelsey's 'the timing's not right' excuse is like the most bullshit excuse in the world." Becca sat up from the couch leaning towards Kelsey as if she is reading to give her her piece of mind.

"There are only two reasons you use the "timing's not right excuse", the first being you can't bear to admit the true reason things aren't working out and you need to let them down slowly. The other being there is literally no other sane reason you would be stupid enough to let something like that go, so you need some kind of poor justification as to why things aren't working out," Becca paused for dramatic effect.

"And judging by the way you are glowing you definitely aren't using it for the first reason."

Kelsey rolled her eyes at her friend's lecture. "Don't act like you've never used that excuse before."

"I've used it many times. But believe me Kelsey, I've done the timing's not right excuse and I let the love of my life slip from my fingers." Becca stared distantly off into space, as if she was reflecting upon all her past mistakes.

"Is this about Johann?" Kelsey laughed.

Johann was a Danish boy Becca couldn't stop raving about from her senior year euro trip. She'd met him "at the foot of the Eiffel Tower" and spent a mere 48 hours with him before leaving on a train to her next destination. They'd exchanged numbers, become friends on Facebook, but soon fell out of touch.

"It might be," Becca replied shyly.

Kelsey chuckled.

"Hey you weren't there Kelsey, you have no idea the connection that we had. I never should have gotten on that train."

"But in all honesty Kels," Becca continued. "If you are going to take one thing away from my could have been European romance, be it that if you have a connection with someone don't waste it."

"Noted," Kelsey said with defeat. "But for now I think I'll stick with the theory that this was a one time occurrence. I'm not cut out to be a celebrity girlfriend anyway. Now speaking of connections..." Kelsey raised her eyebrows. "What happened with the connection that seemed to be going on in the club last night?"

"Oh that," Becca laughed as though she had already forgotten about the night before. She smiles coyly, "It was good. I definitely would be up for seeing him again."

"That's all I get? You interrogate me for every little detail of my night but only want to reveal "good" about yours?" Kelsey rolled her eyes at her friend.

"I mean he's no celebrity Kelsey," Becca laughed. "But the attraction was definitely there."

"And..." Kelsey prodded her roommate for more details.

"And I think we should go on double date," Kelsey rolled her eyes again, seeing this was going nowhere.

"Becca..." she protested.

"Okay, okay, fine," Becca sighed. "But please Kelsey, at least consider the possibility of seeing Niall again? It's good to see you happy."

"I'll consider it," Kelsey groaned, which resulted in a small smile of triumph on Becca's face. But Kelsey knew her consideration had already been done. Seeing Niall Horan again would only lead her to become attached. And becoming attached to someone was the last thing she wanted to do.

So Niall Horan would become nothing more than a spontaneous decision and a memorable night- and that was all there was to it.

Tags: @awomanindeniall

#voirdire #writingby1dfangirls35 #1dff #niallff #nh #niall horan #niall x ofc #fakedating #one direction #solo niall #niall fanfiction

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beaniegara · 6 years

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trying to save you (from all of the things that I'll probably say or do)

ship: eugene/zach (zagene) rating: pg-13 warnings: alcohol mention and consumption, self-worth issues. tags: friends to lovers, angst, angst with a happy ending, sorta sickfic at first, introspection on eugene's part, eugene's pov show: the try guys. partner: @lilnyckyj prompt: allergies, for @thebuzzfeedchallenge!

summary: zach is sick so eugene makes sure he has everything he needs at home, including food. and that's when he realizes.

a/n: I’m super late and I’m so sorry! :c but here, have some zagene ♥

[ao3 link]

“Zach?”

Eugene closes the door behind him and toes out of his shoes. He’s not wearing socks. The cold under his feet is more than welcome after the frankly outrageous hot weather he experienced outside. The foam container he’s holding isn’t helping, warm to the touch. He knows that it smells good when Bowie comes out of Zach’s room, pawing happily towards Eugene.

“Hey, buddy,” Eugene says, crouching down to give him a good rub behind his ears and a kiss to his head. It’s almost a bad decision: Bowie tries to reach for the package and nearly topples Eugene over. “Hey, hey,” he laughs, standing up and keeping the food out of Bowie’s reach. “This is for your dad. Be nice.”

“Bowie, stop hogging my friend!” Zach’s whine comes down the hallway. Eugene laughs.

After laying the food carefully on top of the fridge, he goes to Zach’s room. He’s not surprised to find Zach in a nest of sorts. His friend lies amidst sheets, pillows, and what looks like half of his wardrobe. He looks small, sad, and quite honestly—

“Pathetic,” Eugene says, stopping for a second at the door, then walking inside to feel Zach’s forehead. “You can’t be that bad .”

“Oh yeah, and how can you know? Do you have a stuffy nose that won’t stop running like the goddamn Niagara Falls?”

It all comes out in a rush, very much through his red nose. He sounds a lot like Donald Duck.

“Stop acting like a baby and get up, I brought you food.”

“Food?” Zach looks hopeful, but that immediately turns into a scowl. “Food? I don’t know if I can eat today.”

“Too bad, because you will. Come on.”

Eugene offers a hand that Zach takes, letting Eugene help him out of bed.

“And what I mean by that is that it can’t be that bad that you need to cocoon yourself like this,” he motions to Zach’s mess of a bed as they head to the kitchen. “It’s not even, what, 80º outside?”

“It’s comfy, though,” Zach says, and Eugene can’t contain a smile – even a slightly amused one.

Bowie follows them happily into the kitchen, wagging his tail. Zach starts to pull out plates, but Eugene stops him, takes the plates from his hand, and indicates the table with his head, “Sit.”

“You know, I really am not that bad. I’m just being dramatic because I hate this.”

“I know. But you’re taking too many meds at once and I don’t like that,” Eugene says simply. “Your tiny body can only take so much.”

“Wow, thanks, man.”

“That was a compliment,” Eugene says as he finishes setting up the table and reaches for the food on top of the fridge. “You need carbs, but you also need meat to keep functioning like a human being, so I brought two dishes, actually.”

He makes sure to set everything nicely on the table, opening container after container until Zach can see all that he has brought with him.

“Oh my god, this looks so good.”

“It smells pretty nice, too.”

Zach just gestures dismissively at his stuffed nose, “I’ll have to take your word for it. How much was it? I can transfer what I owe you.”

“Shut up,” Eugene says, dropping a generous portion on Zach’s plate first before getting some himself. “I told you, this is on me. You owe me nothing more than a couple of nights babysitting my babies.”

“Eugene, that is hardly payment, I enjoy doing that. Besides, this is like the third time this week you’ve brought me food.”

It is. Eugene hesitates only for a second, because it hadn’t occurred to him that he has been here on Monday, Tuesday and today, Thursday, making it the third time that week alone. Zach has the week off, fighting an allergy-turned-mild-cold that comes and goes around this time of the year. And it’s not like Eugene has been the only one over – Keith has been keeping tabs on him, too, and even if Ned is trying to avoid Zach, not wanting to risk getting Ariel sick, he personally rearranged Zach’s schedule so that Zach wouldn’t have to miss anything important that week. Really, Eugene is not doing more than his part here.

Or so he tells himself.

“I don’t want your money,” he says. “Just, you know, get better so I don’t have to babysit you. And so I can go back to babysitting your dog.”

Speaking of which, Bowie is sat between them, eyeing one and then the other with the cutest eyes Eugene has ever seen. Zach laughs, “You’re just using me to get to Bowie.” He takes his first bite and closes his eyes, groaning. “Oh my god, Eugene, I love you. This is amazing.”

Eugene’s heart skips a beat. He does something with his hands that makes the piece of broccoli he had on his fork go flying through the room.

He’s not sure what just happened, but he can’t meet Zach’s eyes. He doesn’t have an answer either, so he stuffs his mouth with food instead. Something’s not right. He’s overwhelmed, surprised, and speechless, all at the same time.

It doesn’t make any sense; his mind is just a swirl of what the fuck’s and fuck me’ s. He doesn’t know to react, so he focus on gulping down mouthful after mouthful. Zach doesn’t seem to notice anything’s out of the ordinary. “I can barely taste anything but what I can taste is tasty as fuck and it made me realize I was starving, so thank you,” he says.

“Sure, no problem,” Eugene answers, risking a glance. Zach’s not looking at him, busy with his food. Eugene looks down again.

This. All of this. It feels too... intimate? Maybe. They are alone, having lunch together. Lunch Eugene has brought Zach, for the third time that week. It all feels too fucking cozy, too—

Too domestic.

Eugene loses his appetite all of a sudden. He manages a couple more bites, but he starts to feel anxious - his palms start to sweat, and he has the urge to get out of there. This is not a full-blown anxiety attack but it's close enough to make him stand up, cleaning out his plate and giving Zach some lame excuse about needing to be back early for a shot. He’s gone before Zach can say anything.

It’s not until he’s in his car, driving back to work, that he starts to put his thoughts together. First things first: the thing about coming over several times, well... It's not likes it's something new. He isn’t just worried now because Zach is sick – although, yeah, he has been extra worried this week –, he is always worried about him. Not in an overprotective way, just... Thinking about him. Wondering if he’s alright. If he needs anything. If he’s as happy as he should be.

That’s something a friend would do, of course, Eugene reasons with himself, but the panic building inside of him tells him otherwise. He is kinda, sorta, ridiculously attached to Zach. Everything he abhors, from spending the night watching films on a couch that’s too small for the both of them, to missing Zach’s texts when he doesn’t text him in the morning... That’s not something he does with everyone else.

That’s not something he does, period.

“Hey,” Kelsey puts a hand on his arm as Eugene walks into the office half an hour later, too dazzled to have even seen her. “You alright there?”

“Yeah. Yeah, why?”

“I don’t know,” she gives him a once-over, as if trying to find out what is wrong. “You look like you just saw a ghost or something.”

You could say that, he thinks to himself.

“Too much in my head,” he says, giving her a smile that he knows will convince her. It does. “Gotta go, but we’re still on Friday, right?”

“Of course!”

They part with a flying kiss from her, and Eugene goes to his desk. It’s still early for most people to have come back from lunch break, so he has at least an hour until the desks around him are busy again. Except for Zach’s, which has been empty all week; a post-it on his screen says, in Ned’s handwriting, “GONE TO HONOLULU! BYE BITCHESSS”.

The thing is, Eugene thinks as his login screen loads, he likes Zach. That much he can admit to himself. But where does friendly affection end and romantic interest begin? He hasn’t been in many relationships, always avoided them when he could. It just doesn’t work for him – that’s how he’s wired, and he doesn’t think there’s any point in trying to fight it.

But then he thinks back to Zach’s kitchen, about how he can easily find his way in his apartment. He thinks about Zach’s laugh, the dorkiest and yet most adorable thing Eugene can think of, especially when it's early in the morning and Zach can barely open his eyes. He thinks about all the times one of them was out of town, and about how it has become second nature to him to text Zach all day when that happens. He thinks about the times he’s entertained the idea of kissing Zach and blaming it on the alcohol – and the two times he actually went through with it.

Hiding his face behind his hands, Eugene sighs. This doesn’t sound good. At all. He wonders briefly if he should drop by Zach’s after work to check on him, to make sure he hasn’t left Zach with the wrong impression, but of course he hasn’t. Why is he so worried about what Zach is thinking? Why should he worry about that?

He tries the opposite of what he usually does. Instead of shutting himself off and ignoring whatever it is he is feeling, he lets his mind wander. He thinks about being with Zach – being here meaning more than just hanging out together. He wonders what it’d be like to kiss him, completely sober now, with no excuses. He wonders what it’d be like to be the one Zach texts first, and realizes with a jolt that he might as well already be. Suddenly the idea of maybe cozying up together on that tiny couch at Zach’s isn’t all that weird, which is weird in itself, because since when does Eugene think about cuddling?

Soon his coworkers start to come back from the break, and Eugene has to pretend he is incredibly focused on whatever is open on his screen. That forces him to actually pay attention to the work at hand, putting a stop to the storm inside his head.

Eugene doesn’t want to think.

Better yet: he doesn’t want to think about that. He needs to think. He needs to put his mind on work, because that’s where he should be putting his mind on, anyway. This is a crucial time, and they have a lot on their hands – Eugene has a lot on his hands already, without the added anxiety of having to think about his friend who he may or may not harbor feelings for.

It’s kinda ridiculous, he chides himself once, when he’s at the break room, getting a cup of coffee. His mind wanders to that Thursday, again, the nth time it has done so that week. He thinks about how easy it is to be around Zach; how comfortable he feels to open up cabinets in his kitchen and in his bathroom; how safe he feels when it’s just the two of them, no cameras, no nothing. He thinks about being around himon camera, and how much more fun and much more at ease he feels when Zach's there filming wih him, no matter how stupid the video they’re doing is.

Coffee spills over his cup and onto his hand. It burns - he hisses and dabs a bunch of napkins on his hand, cursing under his breath. This is not who he is. He’s not one to be getting distracted at work thinking about soft hands and easy smiles. This is not who Eugene has worked so hard to become.

So he starts avoiding Zach.

It’s for the best, he tells himself. And it’s nothing too on the nose, either. He makes sure that Zach still has everything he needs while he’s at home - and even when he’s back at work the next week - but he avoids being alone with him. Avoids being too close, or too intimate. Strict business, his demeanor says, and Zach starts to look at him a little odd, but doesn’t push it. He’s too nice for that. Besides, he has always respected Eugene’s space.

No one tries to ask if anything’s different, even though Eugene catches Keith watching him when the four of them are in a room together. No one ever does because Eugene has mastered the art of concealing his emotions, and so it doesn’t show that he feels, well, like crap. Inside and out, he feels like he’s trying too hard to just be. He pulls a muscle at the gym on a Monday, two weeks into this new Avoiding Zach routine. His skin is all sorts of wrong, and his products aren't helping. He keeps forgetting things, from his keys to the time of meetings, which is new to him.

Everything sucks, but no one notices it.

Maybe it’s for the best, he reasons with himself.

That’s until he’s had more than his fair share of cocktails at one of Buzzfeed's parties. It feels like the entire office is there, more so than in past years. It’s one master event, and the place is so big that people are spread out in clusters, a lot of them already occupying most couches and benches. He has been talking to Kelsey – Impicciche, not Darragh –, Annie, and two other people he’s sure he’s learned the name of, but can’t remember anymore, when someone touches his elbow.

He turns to find Zach, no glasses, holding a cup of something reddish in color.

“Eugene, can we talk?”

“Mmmmm,” Eugene pretends to think about it, then, “Nope.”

He pops the ‘p’, and Zach snickers, “Please? I know—I know this isn’t the best place but I can’t stop thinking that you’re mad at me and this has been eating me from inside out forever now, and I really, really wish you’d just talk to me—”

“We don’t have anything to talk about,” Eugene says, slurring a bit. He has had a lot to drink. A lot. He realizes that when he considers just walking away, both from Zach and from the group he has been standing with, and his legs take quite longer than usual to understand the command. “I don’t have anything to say,” he adds, raising both hands. He fails to notice he has spilled some of his own drink.

“Ok!” Zach says, rather defensively. His face is flushed, and if Eugene were a little less drunk off his ass, he’d see Zach’s had plenty to drink, too. “But I do have something to say. Or actually, to ask. I have things to ask. And I don’t know, man, I can’t just corner you at work, that would be a dick move, even if this is technically work but not really, because we’re not being paid to be here tonight... Sorry, I’m getting carried away, but seriously, can we—?”

He touches Eugene’s elbow again, using his head to indicate that they can step aside, closer to the bushes, away from the group. He is looking so good tonight, Eugene thinks – he almost looks like he’s glowing under the artificial lighting, the pale of his eyes more clear than ever, his cheeks rosy from the alcohol. Eugene looks down at his lips, and his stomach does something weird, like somersaults. Zach doesn't look nice, he looks gorgeous. His hand has left Eugene’s elbow, because he doesn’t force contact if Eugene doesn’t let him, he never does, and fuck, why does he need to be so nice all the time?

“Fine,” Eugene says, walking away with him. If only to hear more of his voice, which he hasn't been hearing a lot of lately – avoiding Zach comes at a great cost, he concludes.

Zach just walks them a little to the back of the crowd, so they can hear each other better, and maybe not be heard by anyone else. They’re outside, and it’s quiet beyond the perimeters of the party – they can’t hear anything else in the neighborhood, and it feels almost otherworldly to be there that night. It certainly feels weird to want to touch Zach’s arms, and his face, when Eugene is standing this close to him.

“So,” Zach starts, clearing his throat. “I just—I just, you know, I wanna know if I’ve done something wrong? If I’ve hurt you, or—I don’t know, if, if—You’ve been distant, Eugene” he says, looking up at Eugene.

And fuck, man. Fuck. Eugene can’t deal with Zach’s big, beautiful eyes, looking up at him like that – nervous, sad, hurt. It makes Eugene feel like the biggest jerk ever, and all he wants is to make Zach understand that nothing is his fault. Nothing about this is on him, it’s all on Eugene, and he shouldn’t be the one looking at him like that.

“It’s for the best,” Eugene says, repeating the words he has been saying to himself a lot lately.

“What do you mean, ‘it’s for the best’? Whose best? Why is that the best for anyone?”

“Because it is! You don’t want me fucking up your life, do you?”

“Eugene, what the fuck?” Zach looks confused. “Why would you fuck up my life? What’s going on?”

Eugene looks away, shaking his head. He feels embarrassed. He understands, deep in his core, that this is all his fault. For letting himself feel any of this, feel this way towards one of his closest friends. Just how dumb is he, really? It’s not like he doesn’t know what would happen. What is happening.

“Forget it,” Eugene says, but Zach is adamant.

“I can’t forget it, not when you’re trying to keep me away from you.”

“It’s—Jesus Christ, Zach, it’s the other way around. You got it all wrong.”

“Yeah? And how exactly did I get it wrong, Eugene?”

“I’m trying to keep myself away from you so I can stop feeling the way I feel about you.”

A pause. Zach stares at him.

“Which is...?”

“This,” Eugene gestures to himself, which in his mind makes perfect sense. He’s showing Zach the walking mistake, the man that can’t get attached, the man that’s bound to make a mess and hurt him and just— “I can’t hurt you. I just can’t. I don’t want to and I don’t think I can fucking handle it.”

“Well, that’s good,” Zach starts, but Eugene isn’t finished; he feels the words tumbling out of his mouth before he has processed them.

“Because that’s what would happen if I let myself have feelings for you, or if I let myself get too attached to the idea of being with you, because that’s who I am. I—I fuck up, I make messes, and I don’t—I don’t know how to be with anyone, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before,” he laughs, incredulous. “Fuck me, I’m in my thirties, it’s way too late to learn this shit. I just can’t.”

Zach doesn’t say anything at first, staring at him, wide-eyed. Eugene is trying to stop laughing, but he’s now giggling uncontrollably, looking at Zach.

“This is ridiculous. Isn't it? How a person can fall for a friend and ruin one of the best friendships, relat—work relationships he’s ever had? Of course I’d do that,” Eugene opens his arms wide, takes a couple steps back. He’s grinning from ear to ear. He says even louder this time, “Eugene Lee Yang, a fucking moron!”

“Stop that,” Zach says.

“I don’t care if they listen.”

“I don’t mean that,” Zach gets close again, tries to take the drink away from Eugene’s hand. “I mean, don’t call yourself that, don’t—You’re not a moron.”

Eugene bats away Zach’s hand, keeping the drink close to his chest. He doesn’t remember what’s in his glass, but it doesn’t matter, because he knows it’s alcohol. Just what he needs, and will always need. At least drunk he doesn’t need to worry about a thing, he doesn’t need to hide or calculate his words. Zach looks weird, now – his smile has dropped, and his eyes look shiny, and he’s not looking Eugene in the eye.

And that’s when Eugene understands what he has just done.

“No,” he says, heart starting to beat faster. “No, fuck, forget I said anything.”

“You can’t ask me that.”

“I just did. Please, Zach—”

“You know, I think we should have this conversation some other time,” Zach looks at him, immediately winces, and looks away. “I—I should go.”

“Zach—” Eugene tries, but Zach steps around him and then away, not looking back.

Eugene’s heart tightens as he watches Zach’s hunched figure dart between the crowd before he vanishes from sight. It’s a stupid muscle, Eugene gathers, and he must’ve pulled it too because it hurts, now. Not something he has ever felt, but like his heart is a tiny bird flapping its wings very fast, trying to fly out of a cage that’s a size too small for him. It keeps throwing itself against the bars, hurting, hurting, hurting, and it never stops, it won’t stop. Eugene feels sick. He chugs the rest of his drink, trying to quell the awful feeling in his chest; the liquid burnshis throat on the way down.

It hurts, and it doesn’t stop hurting the next day. His head is exploding when he wakes up just after lunch, mouth dry and stomach lurching. He hasn’t thrown up in a long time, but if it continues like this, he might be bending over his toilet later. After he has taken care of his most basic needs – water, peeing, a toast to keep his blood pressure where it should be – he checks his phone.

One name stands out in his notifications, and it all comes back to him. His heart clenches again, thinking about the night before.

Zach.

Eugene regrets opening his mouth, but he doesn’t blame the alcohol. If anything, he blames himself. He should’ve known better – he does know better, and fuck, since when does he let any kind of feeling dictate how he should behave? Since when does he let his heart, hurt as it is, dumb as it is, take the reins?

The message simply says “can we meet?”. It was sent around 10 a.m., because of course. Zach probably has a headache, too. He always has when he drinks too much, even if his too much is miles away from Eugene’s too much. Eugene groans just thinking about it. He knows Zach so well, and he knows himself so well – why did he need to say anything?

He texts back with a “Sure”. He’s far from sure, but he owes Zach this. If he can at least explain it, explain why he didn’t say anything before and why he was such a jackass, then maybe... Maybe Zach will just leave it all behind.

Maybe.

After some more awkward, emoji-less texts, they settle for 4 p.m. at Eugene’s place. It gives him enough time to shower, order in some lunch, get onto some important emails. He calls his mom, too, when he’s sure she’s not at church. It’s a weird conversation; he doesn’t know how to explain why he sounds so tired, or why he’s giving one-word answers. He wants to tell her, even if just to let it out of his chest, but this is not something they talk about. They never have, and they’re not starting now. She wouldn’t be comfortable with the topic, and he probably wouldn’t either.

His apartment starts to feel very suffocating.

He does his best to clean up after he hangs up, opening the blinds, changing the towels in his bathroom, taking out the trash. It helps him keep focused, even if his head is still sore, and his thirst never ending.

Zach is there at 4 p.m. sharp.

It’s a weird thing to have him there, in front of him. Eugene is scared when he opens the door, which is something he isn’t expecting to feel at that moment. Zach, wearing a cap, hands hidden inside the pockets of his hoodie, smiles.

Eugene tries to smile back, but his heart is doing that stupid thing again.

He doesn’t want to lose Zach. He doesn’t want to see that smile any less. He doesn’t want to walk on eggshells around him because he doesn’t know how to keep his emotions in check.

“Hey,” Zach says, walking inside. He doesn’t look uncomfortable, which is good, but he does hesitate, standing in Eugene’s living room before he crouches down to rub Pesto's belly. “Should we, uh… Should I sit down? Can we sit down?”

“Of course,” Eugene follows, but doesn’t sit next to him on the couch. He perches himself on the only armchair there is. Emma is taking the seat, so he opts for the arm.

They are in silence for a couple of seconds before Eugene says, “I think I have—No, nevermind, I don’t. Water?”

Zach chuckles, “No, thanks. I’m guessing all you have to offer is alcohol?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

They laugh; Eugene feels his shoulders tense and tries to relax, but it’s hard. He’s hugging himself, almost, arms crossed in front of him. Zach looks small on his couch, like he’s trying not to take too much space.

“About yesterday, I think I should—"

“Wait, Zach, no,” Eugene interrupts him, sighing. He lets his head hang low for a brief moment before he’s looking Zach in the eye again. “I need to apologize. That’s the first thing that’s happening here. I was… Well, I was a dick yesterday. And I…” He tries to find the right words for this, but nothing sounds right in his head. “I don’t know, I think I had some kind of breakdown. I shouldn’t have sprung that on you. I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

Zach watches him, patiently. When he’s done, Zach looks down at his hands and nods.

“It’s alright, I wasn’t—You were drunk, we were bothreally drunk.”

“Yeah, well, that’s still no excuse,” Eugene says, mumbling the words. Zach smiles at him.

“You’re right, it’s not.”

There’s a moment of silence in which their eyes meet.

“Did you mean it?”

Zach’s voice is so low and soft, it’s barely a whisper. Eugene hesitates, mouth hanging open as he tries to think of a way to answer that at the same time that it dawns on him that Zach was most probably holding back tears the night before. The glasses he's wearing now catch his attention, reminding him of how at the party Zach's eyes were clear, shining with tears. He doesn't know how he missed that.

“I—” He stops, wets his lips. “Yeah. I did mean every word of it.”

“So you have feelings for me?”

Eugene nods. He’s proud of himself for not avoiding Zach’s eyes when he does.

“But you don’t… like anyone.”

A beat. “I don’t. Usually.”

“Wow,” Zach blinks, looking down at his fingers again. “A lot to process there.”

Eugene can’t help but chuckle a little, because yeah.

“Why did you act like that was a bad thing, though?”

“Because—” The words die on his throat. Because maybe this isn’t real and I’d only hurt you, he thinks. I’d ruin our friendship by starting something that’s not gonna last. He doesn’t have the courage to say any of this, not right now. Something inside of him is screaming for him to not say it. The part of him that thinks that this is different. That this is not just a fling that may be worth keeping around. He and Zach have known each other for so long now, they know each other so intimately well, it’s absurd. They have talked about everything under the sun, except maybe the things Eugene tends to keep for himself. But he realizes in that split second that he wouldn’t mind maybe - who knows - sharing those with Zach, too. Slowly, someday. The idea of sharing some of the things hidden in the corners of his mind with him isn’t so bad. Zach means all the good things Eugene can think of, including...

Home.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Eugene finally says. His voice cracks a bit.

Zach’s eyes on him are soft, understanding. “Neither do I. No one does, I think.”

“Ned does,” Eugene argues. “Keith does, too. Shane and Sara—”

“Well, maybe some people do,” Zach stops him right there, shifting forward so he’s on the edge of the couch. “But not everyone. I certainly don’t, you know I haven’t had a relationship in forever.”

Eugene shakes his head, both negating what he just said and also to shake off any tears or uncertainty from his voice. “It’s different.”

“How?”

“You’re—” Eugene gesticulates, trying to find the right way to say what he has only felt so far. “You’re open. You wear your feelings on your sleeve and you’re fine with it. That’s how people should be in a relationship. I—I’m guarded, closed off, I—I don’t know—Fuck,” he presses the heels of his hands against his eyes, refusing to let himself get teary-eyed. “I’m not a good partner, ok? I just know that. And you don’t deserve it. Not that I know what you deserve, all I know is that you deserve someone better than me.”

There’s the rustling of fabric before Eugene sees Zach has walked over and is now kneeling in front of him, one hand on Eugene's knee. He’s looking up at him, the corners of his mouth curving up; he looks lovely. He islovely, and this is too much. Eugene wants to touch him, wants to caress his cheek, wants to just know how his skin feels like in a touch that lasts longer than a mere second.

“I disagree with everything you just said, and that’s fine, because you’re wrong,” Zach says, making Eugene laugh. “You’re so worried about not being good enough that you haven’t even asked me how I feel about this.”

Eugene doesn’t know what to say, so he just looks at him.

“I like you, Eugene. Like, as fuck. As in, I want to hug the hell out of you and also maybe have some crazy, hardcore sex, all in one. Or maybe we don’t hug all that much because I know you’re not crazy about hugs, and I completely understand that.”

“Wait, what?”

“I must say, though, that I’ve been pretty vanilla all my life so I pictured more of a slow buildup for our sex live. If we were to have one, of course. Not that I’ve been fantasizing about you but we’ve talked so much about sex, it just comes out like this, sorry.”

“You like me?”

Zach gives him the softest smile Eugene has ever seen, and yeah, Eugene’s heart has stopped throwing itself against its cage; it flies free now, everywhere, giving him the sensation of… fucking hell, butterflies in his stomach.

“Yes, I do. Very much so.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“Look who’s talking!” Zach shoots back, laughing. “But nah, I didn’t think you’d reciprocate, you know? Like, even if you somehow looked at me that way despite all the gorgeous people you’re usually making out with, I figured you’d worry about making it weird between us.”

“Well, yeah. We work together.”

“All the better. Office sex,” Zach jokes, and Eugene almost chokes on his own spit, bursting into laughter. “No but seriously, we’re grownass men, we can handle a possible breakup. Although I don’t think we will have to.”

“We don’t even have anything to break—”

Eugene doesn’t get a chance to finish. Zach stands up to reach his face and kisses him, just a press of lips that shuts Eugene up instantly. It’s surreal. It’s what Eugene has been dreaming about doing for what? months now. It’s all Zach - Zach’s soft lips, Zach’s aftershave, Zach’s entire being and existence just in reach...

“Now we do,” Zach says as he parts, smile so big Eugene can’t help but open one of his own. “Please don’t breakup with me, though.”

“Are you sure about this?”

Because as much as Eugene wants this, and oh god, he wants it so much… As much as he wants this, he still fears what the future holds for them. He’s still unsure about his ability to give Zach all that he needs, all that he deserves, and he’s terrified that he’ll eventually hurt him. But Zach kisses him again, this time closer, harder, and Eugene finds himself holding him by the waist as Zach’s arms sneak around his neck.

“I’m sure,” Zach says against his lips. His voice is an octave lower, and Eugene is so terribly, ridiculously in love. “We’ll talk about this, but for now can you do me a favor and just kiss me until I can’t feel my lips? Thank you.”

Eugene grins, and kisses him again.

"Wait, wait, wait," Ned says, smirking. "I got this. The gift from Eugene was... a collar."

The room explodes in laughter as Ariel slaps his arm.

"What? It's possible! They're two consenting adults..."

"That would be hilarious," offers Keith, red-faced from laughing too hard and from the wine he has been nursing.

"Jesus Christ, can we not talk about our sex lives this early in the evening?" Zach says, but he's laughing. Eugene has an arm around his waist, so he feels Zach shaking with laughter under his touch. "I'm gonna need way more beer for that."

"Good idea!" Eugene kisses his temple and walks out of the room, towards the kitchen. He runs into Becky coming back and asks her about the drinks; she directs him to the right fridge.

It's when he's bent down, piling beers on his arms, that he hears whistling. He turns around just as Zach says, "Damn, I'd so tap that."

Eugene laughs so hard he nearly drops a bottle. They manage to get six of them on the counter, and Zach uses the opportunity to say, "You think we should tell them?"

"Only if you want to. I mean, I think we'll enjoy Venice a lot more if Ned isn't texting us every ten minutes. But if you want to tell them, I don't mind. It's your present, so it's your call."

"Nah," Zach rests his chin on his hand, leaning on the counter. "They're having too much fun to trying to figure it out. But if we get stranded on a desert island on our way there and need them to find us we're so fucked."

"We're fucked either way if that ever happens, but I promise not to eat you."

Zach smiles, "Aw, baby! Thank you! I promise not to eat you too."

They laugh, and Zach leans forward to give Eugene a peck on the lips. "Happy anniversary," he says.

It's been a year, but Zach's voice still sounds like music to Eugene's ears. He can't contain his smile when he replies, "Happy anniversary, Zach."

#zagene #fic #not bfu #nwrites #buzzfeedchallenge

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