#my future is so bleak i’m going to work and die alone at age 27 by the latest and

[bo0zey]

yeah bpd’s all fun n games until u end up ruining every single one of your closest most treasured friendships because no matter how much u think u love them and want to be their friend forever u still somehow find a way to fuck it all up and såbøtàgè everything for everyone and u did it to urself u hurt them and u pushed them all away and there’s no one else here now there’s a common denominator to it all the only one left to carry all the blame and it’s you because it’s you you you who’s to blame for the pain u spread and the relationships u lost because you pushed away every single person you wished would never let u go

#i never wanted anyone to miss me when i died i never wanted them to care and now i made sure no one ever will #because i’ve shown everyone i’ve ever loved that i’m not worth loving back. i’m worth leaving bc i’m toxic and evil and possessive and loud #i feel so purposeless. like it’s really all hopeless now i’ll never get better. i’m graduating college soon and i have 1 friend #1 friend who has so many others 1 friend who i hurt just like all the others 1 friend who will become 1 less very soon #i lose everyone i’ve ever loved because the closer they get to me the more they realize i’m not someone to get close to #i’m not a good person. i don’t have anything to offer anyone. i only hurt people in the end. #the journey isn’t worth it if the destination is always hell and tsunamis and hurricanes and earthquakes #i’m a walking natural disaster you never know when everything will suddenly turn to shit with me. #u cant appreciate the setting sun when ur buried 6 feet under the dirt. u can’t remember the warmth i gave when i left you with that cold #i’m the worst i’m the worst i can’t believe it’s all my fault i lost so many and they never want to be my friend again #my future is so bleak i’m going to work and die alone at age 27 by the latest and #i’m already thinking abt how no one is invited to my funeral i want to be burned and become a tree i don’t want to be mourned #don’t mourn the loss of someone that needed to be lost. don’t come to my funeral if ones even there #i’ll die alone and i’ll be incinerated alone in death just as i’d done to myself in life only this time no one will be near enough #near enough to get scorched by the flames with me #i want to write letters to the one i hurt the most and tell her how good she is and how i wish i could take back every cruel word i said #u never did anything mean or cruel to me i remember sitting in your freshman year dorm bed with you across from me #when you told me a secret you never told anyone else before . and i remember looking at you and feeling that surge of double sided heat #the heat of hatred for the ones that hurt you and the heat of passion and promise in my body to make sure to always protect you #i will never hurt you i will always make sure you can feel safe with me i’ll be here always when you need me i’ll protect you #i’ll never hurt you . because you’ve been hurt enough. you trusted me enough to tell me abt the thing that haunted u most #and the heat of hatred i felt for the one that hurt you suddenly came hurling back into my face and i #i despise myself even more for forgetting my promise to you that quiet day with the sun setting and your soft blankets & sweet scented room #you said i was your first friend at school and we were already months into the semester #i was scared of you at first but when we got close i wanted so badly for you to consider me as best of a friend as i considered you #i loved you and i hurt you and you told me it didn’t matter but it matters to me you don’t know the promises i made to you #you don’t know which promise i broke. that broken promise haunted me ever since i found out what had happened that night . #i felt guilty for being near you i didn’t understand why you’d sit next to me in my bed so close and watch that show with me i couldn’t #i hated myself for hurting u. i couldn’t be around u without choking on guilt. so i pushed u away to keep u safe. but that only hurt u more. #ramblings

[dfroza]

Today’s reading in the ancient book of Psalms

for Thursday, August 27 of 2020 with Psalm 27 accompanied by Psalm 69 for the 69th day of Summer and Psalm 90 for day 240 of the year

[Psalm 27]

A song of David.

The Eternal is my light amidst my darkness

and my rescue in times of trouble.

So whom shall I fear?

He surrounds me with a fortress of protection.

So nothing should cause me alarm.

When my enemies advanced

to devour me alive,

They tripped and fell flat on their faces into the soil.

When the armies of the enemy surround me,

I will not be afraid.

When death calls for me in the midst of war,

my soul is confident and unmoved.

I am pleading with the Eternal for this one thing,

my soul’s desire:

To live with Him all of my days—

in the shadow of His temple,

To behold His beauty and ponder His ways

in the company of His people.

His house is my shelter and secret retreat.

It is there I find peace in the midst of storm and turmoil.

Safety sits with me in the hiding place of God.

He will set me on a rock, high above the fray.

God lifts me high above those with thoughts

of death and deceit that call for my life.

I will enter His presence, offering sacrifices and praise.

In His house, I am overcome with joy

As I sing, yes, and play music for the Eternal alone.

I cannot shout any louder. Eternal One—hear my cry

and respond with Your grace.

The prodding of my heart leads me to chase after You.

I am seeking You, Eternal One—don’t retreat from me.

You have always answered my call.

Don’t hide from me now.

Don’t give up on me in anger at Your servant.

You have always been there for me.

Don’t throw me to the side and forget me,

my God and only salvation.

My father and mother have deserted me,

yet the Eternal will take me in.

O Eternal, show me Your way,

shine Your light brightly on this path, and make it level for me,

for my enemies are lurking in the recesses and ravines along the way.

They are watching—hoping to seize me.

Do not release me to their desires or surrender me to their will!

Liars are standing against me,

breathing out cruel lies hoping that I will die.

I will move past my enemies with this one, sure hope:

that with my own eyes, I will see the goodness of the Eternal

in the land of the living.

Please answer me: Don’t give up.

Wait for the Eternal in expectation, and be strong.

Again, wait for the Eternal.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 27 (The Voice)

and these lines from The Message:

I’m asking God for one thing,

only one thing:

To live with him in his house

my whole life long.

I’ll contemplate his beauty;

I’ll study at his feet.

That’s the only quiet, secure place

in a noisy world,

The perfect getaway,

far from the buzz of traffic.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 27:4-5 (The Message)

[Psalm 69]

For the worship leader. A song of David to the tune “Lilies.”

Reach down for me, True God; deliver me.

The waters have risen to my neck; I am going down!

My feet are swallowed in this murky bog;

I am sinking—there is no sturdy ground.

I am in the deep;

the floods are crashing in!

I am weary of howling;

my throat is scratched dry.

I still look for my God

even though my eyes fail.

My enemies despise me without any cause;

they outnumber the hairs on my head.

They torment me with their power;

they have absolutely no reason to hate me.

Now I am set to pay for crimes

I have never committed!

O True God, my foolish ways are plain before You;

my mistakes—no, nothing can be hidden from You.

Don’t let Your hopeful followers face disgrace because of me,

O Lord, Eternal One, Commander of heaven’s armies;

Don’t let Your seekers be shamed on account of me,

O True God of Israel.

I have been mocked when I stood up for You;

I cower, shamefaced.

You know my brothers and sisters?

They now reject me—they act as if I never existed.

I’m like a stranger to my own family.

And here’s why: I am consumed with You, completely devoted to protecting Your house;

when they insult You, they insult me.

When I mourn and discipline my soul by fasting,

they deride me.

And when I put on sackcloth,

they mock me.

Those who sit at the gate gossip about me;

I am shamed by the slurred songs of drunkards.

But, Eternal One, I just pray the time is right

that You would hear me. And, True God,

because You are enduring love, that You would answer.

In Your faithfulness, please, save me.

Pluck me from this murky bog;

don’t let it pull me down!

Pull me from this rising water;

take me away from my enemies to dry land.

Don’t let the flood take me under

or let me, Your servant, be swallowed into the deep

or let the yawning pit seal me in!

O Eternal One, hear me. Answer me. For Your enduring love is good comfort;

in Your great mercy, turn toward me.

Yes, shine Your face upon me, Your servant;

put an end to my anguish—don’t wait another minute.

Come near; rescue me!

Set me free from my enemies.

You know all my opponents;

You see them, see the way they treat me—

humiliating me with insults, trying to disgrace me.

All this ridicule has broken my heart,

killed my spirit.

I searched for sympathy, and I came up empty.

I looked for supporters, but there was no one.

Even more, they gave me poison for my food

and offered me only sour vinegar to drink.

Let them be ambushed at the dinner table,

caught in a trap when they least expect it.

Cloud their vision so they cannot see;

make their bodies shake, their knees knock in terror.

Pour out Your fiery wrath upon them!

Make a clean sweep; engulf them with Your flaming fury.

May their camps be bleak

with not one left in any tent.

Because they have persecuted the one You have struck,

add insult to those whom You have wounded.

Compound their sins; don’t let them off the hook!

Keep them from entering into Your mercy.

Blot out their names from Your book of life

so they will not be recorded alongside those who are upright before You.

I am living in pain; I’m suffering,

so save me, True God, and keep me safe in troubled times!

The name of the True God will be my song,

an uplifting tune of praise and thanksgiving!

My praise will please the Eternal more than if I were to sacrifice an ox

or the finest bull. (Horns, hooves, and all!)

Those who humbly serve will see and rejoice!

All you seekers-after-God will revive your souls!

The Eternal listens to the prayers of the poor

and has regard for His people held in bondage.

All God’s creation: join together in His praise! All heaven, all earth,

all seas, all creatures of the ocean deep!

The True God will save Zion

and rebuild the cities of Judah

So that His servants may own it and live there once again.

Their children and children’s children shall have it as their inheritance,

and those who love His name will live in it.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 69 (The Voice)

Book Four

[Psalm 90]

A prayer of Moses, a man of God.

Lord, You have always been our refuge.

Our ancestors made You their home long ago.

Before mountains were born,

before You fashioned the earth and filled it with life,

from ages past to distant futures,

You are truly God.

You turn people back to dust,

saying, “Go back to the dust, children of Adam.”

For You a thousand years is like a day when it is over,

a watch during the night;

there is no difference to You.

You release the waters of death to sweep mankind away in his slumber.

In the morning, we are blades of grass,

Growing rapidly under the sun but withering quickly;

yet in the evening, we fade and die, soon to be cut down.

For Your anger has consumed us.

Your wrath has shaken us to the core

and left us deeply troubled.

You have written our offenses before You—

the light of Your presence shines brightly on our secret sins,

and we can’t run or hide.

For all our days are spent beneath Your wrath;

our youth gives way to old age, and then

one day our years come to an end with a sigh.

We may journey through life for 70 years;

some may live and breathe 80 years—if we are strong.

Yet our time here is only toil and trouble;

soon our days are gone, and we fly away.

Who can truly comprehend the power unleashed by Your anger?

Your wrath matches the fear that is due to You.

Teach us to number our days

so that we may truly live and achieve wisdom.

How long will we wait here alone?

Return, O Eternal One, with mercy.

Rescue Your servants with compassion.

With every sun’s rising, surprise us with Your love,

satisfy us with Your kindness.

Then we will sing with joy and celebrate every day we are alive.

You have spent many days afflicting us with pain and sorrow;

now match those with years of unspent joy.

Let Your work of love be on display for all Your servants;

let Your children see Your majesty.

And then let the beauty and grace of the Lord—our God—rest upon us

and bring success to all we do;

yes, bring success to all we do!

The Book of Psalms, Poem 90 (The Voice)