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jackalgirl · 3 years

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Stubbornness

Me, yesterday: Today, I am going to get all caught up with my correspondence. And I’m going to experiment with the sewing machine so I can finish the Hellvet Bag. And I might even fell down some of the hems of the linen tunic I actually sewed, with only a single drop of blood to appease the demon sewing machine, and which actually fits the Next Generation (the tunic, not the sewing machine). But first, I will knit the one part of Nikki Van De Car’s “Maile Sweater” that is actually hellaciously difficult for me, so that it is out of the way.

Me: There! Done with the sweater part and ready to move on! Why do I feel exhausted?

Me, looking at the clock, seeing that it is eight-thirty in the evening, and having accomplished absolutely nothing else: Time for bed!

TL;DR: there’s an error in the pattern plus I made some mistakes, and it took me all day to figure it out, because dammit I’m not going to let a pattern beat me like that.

I have placed the fix to the pattern, followed by the full story*, under the cut, if you like gory knitting stories.

* I’ve Suffered For My Art and Now You Will, Too...but only if you wanna. Because I absolutely hate the “shaggy dog” style of recipe or crafting instruction, where you have to endure a story before you get to the actual instruction. So I put the correction first.

First, the pattern: https://beacon.by/nikki-van-de-car/maile - it is free and adorable and is one of my two go-to patterns when I’m making jackets for friends’ freshly-sprouted or soon-to-be-sprouting sprogs.

In the Yoke section, the first part should read:

K yoke to 8 sts before marker, ssk, pm, k6, remove m. K7 from the 1st sleeve, pm, k2tog. K to 3 sts before end of sleeve, ssk, pm, k to end of sleeve. K1 stitch from back, k2tog, k to 3 sts before marker, ssk, k1, remove m, k1 st from second sleeve, pm, k2tog, k to 9 sts before end of sleeve, ssk, pm, k to end of sleeve. K6 sts from left front, pm, k2tog, k to end.

The bolded part is what’s different from Nikki’s original pattern.

When you are done with this row, you should have 203 stitches on your needles, separated into seven (7) sections:

The middle section (”center back”): 59 stitches.

The two sections on either side of this (”shoulders”): 36 stitches each.

Continuing outwards, the next two sections (”lace sections”): 13 stitches each.

Finally, the last two sections (”jacket fronts”): 23 stitches each.

The pattern’s error is that is has you place the fourth marker two stitches too early, and you end up with 57 stitches in the center back and 38 stitches in the second shoulder section.

Note: from this point onward, you will be decreasing by 8 stitches in every odd-numbered row. You will repeat lace pattern #2 a total of three times, losing 120 total stitches overall. This means when you finish the lace pattern’s row 9 for the third time, you’ll have 83 stitches on your needle (8, 13, 6, and 29 sts in the jacket front, lace, shoulder, and center back sections respectively).

The pattern tells you to stop when you have 83 stitches, but go ahead and knit a “wrong-side” button hole row, so that your jacket ends up with four (4) button holes. Then continue on as per the pattern until you are done.

The pattern doesn’t tell you you have to seam up the sleeves on the undersides, but you do. Take care to close up the hole in the armpit that is a consequence of inserting all those sleeve stitches between two adjacent jacket stitches.

Oh, look! A shaggy dog! (Abandon all hope, etc.)

The original pattern has you knit the sleeves in the flat (from the cuffs upward). Then, after you’ve knitted up the bottom part of the jacket, this first part of the Yoke section has you knit the sleeves directly into the jacket: after having knitted up the bottom part of the jacket, you knit some stitches, then knit across the first sleeves’ stitches (with some decreases thrown in), then return to the jacket stitches (so you’ve just inserted all those sleeve stitches between two adjacent stitches of the jacket, which is tough), knit across the back, add the second sleeve in the same manner, then the rest of the jacket.

You’re adding stitch markers along the way -- those sections are to allow you both to knit a section of lace on either side of the jacket’s front, but also to shape the jacket around the shoulders and neck. So the sections -- and the markers -- are really really important.

But the pattern does not have any indication of how many stitches should end up in each section. Nor does it give you an overall stitch count when you are done with that row. You finish the first part of the jacket with 119 stitches, and then you do this (IMO) technically difficult** step of knitting the sleeves directly into the jacket, with some decreases thrown in for good measure, and end up with...???

** I make it more difficult, of course, by not knitting the sleeves in the flat, so I am attaching tubes (much tension -- many strain) to the jacket instead of relatively flexible flat pieces. More on that later, if you have not given up on me by then.

I feel like this is one of those patterns by a very accomplished and exceptionally skilled knitter, who is perhaps not taking into account that lesser knitters (like myself) are bound to make mistakes, and for me (ymmv), having stitch counts are really important for keeping track of whether or not I’ve made a mistake. The lack of stitch counts isn’t a big deal, as long as you don’t make any mistakes. And this also assumes that the pattern doesn’t contain any mistakes in the first place.

The two previous times I’ve knitted this jacket, not knowing about that error in the pattern and not having a stitch count to compare, I ended up with a not-symmetrical number of stitches in the shoulders of the jacket after attaching the sleeves. I had chalked it up to a) making mistakes, as I do, and b) always getting excited to continue The Next Part and forgetting to double-check before I do so. I in each of my previous two jackets, I ended up hiding a decrease in the second shoulder section and forging onward.

This time was no different and, naturally, I only noticed this until about five rows after, because I didn’t remember to double-check until then. Also, I’d made some mistakes, because the shaping -- although absolutely lovely when it’s done -- is arranged in such a way as to form a pattern that is not sticky for the way my brain is wired to see patterns. But this time, I remembered that this had happened the previous two times. Though I was willing to admit that I’d made mistakes again, I began to suspect that there was a problem with the pattern itself. And I was going to figure it out, by George!

I ended up breaking out the iPad and doing some drawing/counting illustrations in order to figure out what you’re supposed to have after that row of attaching the sleeves. That’s what helped me recognize the error in the pattern, and why I was ending up with unequal shoulders (in addition to my mistakes).

Rather than frog all the way back to the sleeve attachment (I did not want to go through that again), I simply frogged that little bit of the jacket between the back and the incorrectly-numbered shoulder back to the row where I attached the sleeves, and (I used double-pointed needles for this) knitted the dropped stitches back up with everything shifted over so that the dividing line ended up where it needed to be. I did the same thing to the other parts where I’d made mistakes (by forgetting to decrease where I was supposed to). That finally got me to the correct stitch count for the row I was on, with the correct number of stitches in each section.

This was much more difficult than I’m making it sound, and figuring it out took me all day (and made me cranky, for which I profusely apologized to the Better Half who, to give him credit, demonstrated the “Better” part of that moniker, for which I am very grateful).

Aunt Lorenza’s Modifications - or - Oh look! Another shaggy dog! (if you’re still with me, blessings be upon you)

As mentioned, I didn’t knit the sleeves in the flat. I knitted them using the magic loop method, on a circular needle, two-at-a-time. I did cut the yarn (Nikki recommends you not do this) after they were done, but left a decently long tail (3-4 inches, or 7-10 cm) to take care of the underarm hole.

If you want to do the sleeves this way, you will need extra equipment: five (5) US x double-pointed knitting needles, and an additional set of US x circular needles with a decently long cable (the longer, the better, but no fewer than 24″/61 cm).

Note: I say “x” because what size needle you use depends on your yarn and what size you’re shooting for. I used fingering-weight yarn and US 4 (3.5mm) needles, but you might end up using something else. Just make sure they’re all the same size.

First, knit the sleeves, using the magic loop method for circular knitting. I modified the pattern by casting on using the Chinese Waitress cast-on for the sleeves, so that the cuff would be extra stretchy.

When you are done: transfer the first sleeve to DPNs as so:

from the start of the sleeve’s round, 11 sts on the first needle, 12 sts each on the second and third needles, 11 sts on the fourth needle.

Note: This is going to help split up the strain on the tube as you’re knitting it into the jacket. It’ll be easier on your hands, your needles, and also the fabric.

Leave the second sleeve on your original needles and set aside.

Take up your second set of cable needles and knit the jacket. I used the crochet cast-on so that I would have a braided edge, taking the extra step of deliberately twisting the stitches so that it would be a twisted braid. I also added a stitch to either side (I cast on 133 sts vice 133) and slipped the first stitch of each row purlwise, knitting it on the return, so that the edges would also have a twisted braid.

In the Yoke section, when you get to the first sleeve (on its DPNs), use the fifth DPN to knit the sleeves’ stitches off of the first DPN, when then becomes your right-hand needle. Continue in this manner, knitting around the sleeve stitches, as per the pattern.

When you reach the end of the sleeve, pick up the next jacket stitch with your original (circular) needle. This part takes patience, because all these needles want to be in the way of each other and the yarn, and of course the DPNs want to slide out of the loops. So go slow for this part.

Follow the pattern until you have gotten 10 or so stitches across the back -- or until it feels relatively secure to you.

You’re now going to need to get the sleeve stitches onto your cable needle (pulling up a loop in the middle of the sleeve so that it lays flat) and free up the DPNs for the next sleeve. As soon as you get two DPNs free, stop and get the second sleeve off of the other end of the holding cable (half of the sts on one needle, half on the other). When all of the DPNs are free, set up the second sleeve as you did the first.

Continue with the yoke, adding the second sleeve as the pattern directs. Leave these DPNs in the second sleeve stitches after you have finished attaching the sleeve so that they can take up the strain.

When you are done with this row and the sleeves are on, knit your wrong-side return -- the DPNs will help you manage the strain on the fabric when you reach the sleeves. Eventually, as you keep adding rows, you’ll get far enough past the sleeves that you’ll be able to remove the DPNs and the extra cable needle. And then you can just knit as the pattern is written and you should be fine.

Enjoy!

#knitting #long post #maile jacket #nikki van de car

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sophiainspace · 5 years

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OMG, Sophia, you know where my heart lies. The first time Sara cried in front of the Legends (all at once or just one or two of them).

Prompt list: Firsts in found family/friendship

The aim of these is to get myself out of a stuck writing headspace, so this isn’t at the standard I like to get fics to… but, hey, I don’t have to put it on AO3!

Sara’s cried at least twice in LoT canon that I can think of - but, to my (possibly-faulty) memory, not since becoming captain. So that’s where I ended up going with this. After a couple of false starts where the characters did not want to play, because the Legends have their own minds about *everything*. “You call this a team?!” (Thanks to @hiverforesteevee for beta reading, and to @zariadriannatomaz for ideas help - sorry I ended up going in a slightly different direction from your idea!)

Bad Day

(gen, 1720 words, Sara Lance & Team Legends, cw for anxiety/stress and bad memories/nightmares - brief)

By the time they get back to the bridge, Sara’s barely keeping it together.

If this total fuck-up of a mission wasn’t enough, she’s been awake since 5 this morning. She hasn’t even had a cup of coffee. Ray and Charlie drained the pot and didn’t bother to refill it, and then they had to move out to deal with the troll rampaging through the Swedish countryside. Sara would be throwing up her hands and going to find caffeine, if she wasn’t currently putting up with the traditional post-mission trash fire they call debriefing. Captain’s fucking privilege.

Every time she thinks things can’t get any more annoying, her dysfunctional crew piles in with new ways to torture her—along with a few of the old standards.

Charlie’s getting right up in Sara’s face. She’s whining about not being invited to the pre-mission team meeting, sneering that she would have been able to give the troll a beat-down if she’d just known what it was.

(She was invited to the meeting. She couldn’t get out of bed in time. She’s making Sara long for the simpler times when she met threats head-on with a kick or a knife, not with the drawn-out torture of diplomacy.)

Leaning against the parlour door frame, John’s interrupting her with occasional smug opinions.

(Zari calls it warlock-splaining. She says the phrase needs work. Seems pretty spot-on to Sara.)

Speaking of Zari, she’s sitting on the step, her head buried in an iPad, only bothering to look up to roll her eyes or say something appropriately sarcastic.

(She yawns, and Sara stomps down on the urge to ask if they’re keeping her up.)

At the console, Ray looks like he wants to head for the hills. He could, too, what with the irritatingly idyllic landscape of the Scandinavian Mountains just outside the window.

(Sara’s got half a mind to hand him a compass and two sticks, remind him he’s an Eagle Scout, and wish him luck.)

In the corner, Mick’s trying to sneak away unseen.

(Clearly it’s been more than half an hour since he’s had a beer, and God forbid he should do any work without his perpetual alcohol IV. Sara doesn’t even bother telling him to stay.)

“Told you it was no use trying to kill it with fire,” John yells after him helpfully. “Shouldn’t even have brought the flamethrower.”

Bracing her hands on the console, Sara restrains herself from spinning on her heel and losing it at him.

Mick steps back into the room. “It’s a fucking heat gun. If you call it a flamethrower one more time—”

“Give it up, mate,” John interrupts, laughing.

“I’m not your mate.”

Finally acknowledging something outside the internet, Zari rolls her eyes at them. “Could you two shut up?”

Charlie gives a dramatic sigh. “Sara, you didn’t even explain why I wasn’t—”

Sara starts counting down from ten in her head.

And, just to tie this shit-show of a meeting up with a little bow, Gideon chooses that moment to manifest her blue head above the console. “I’m afraid, Captain, that Mr Constantine is technically correct. The reliance on fire, while a reasonable backup plan in the case that iron and running water failed—”

“No, you said fire would kill—”

“I said Thor’s lightning could kill it! It’s not the same—”

Ray spins around, his voice resounding above the cacophony like an alarm bell. “John, are you saying this is Sara’s fault?”

Constantine takes a threatening step forward. “Yes, I bloody well am!”

Sara’s countdown reaches one. She slams her hands down on the console. “Everyone out.” She barely raises her voice above a whisper, but the chorus of consternation has fallen silent around her.

“Sara—” Zari starts, iPad forgotten, her gaze intense on Sara.

“Not now, Z,” she says, not meeting her eye. “Just… give me a minute.”

They trundle out, one by one. It’s generally worrying when the Legends go quiet, but Sara doesn’t care who she’s pissed off now.

When the bridge is finally empty, she draws in a deep breath, sits down on the floor, drops her head onto her knees and cries.

***

She’s not sure how much later it is when there’s a firm hand on her shoulder, comforting as the rising smell of coffee that’s arrived with it.

Zari’s pulling herself into a seated position on the floor next to Sara. She’s holding two mugs.

“One of those,” Sara croaks, wiping her eyes with her sleeve, “had better be for me.”

“Yes, you goober. And stop that.” Zari reaches into her pocket and passes Sara a tissue. She holds onto the second cup of coffee till Sara’s finished sorting her face out, then passes it to her.

Sara accepts it gratefully, though she can’t quite make herself smile yet. She wraps her hands tight around the mug, heat seeping into her cold hands through the metal surface.

(How long has she been cold?)

Both of them are quiet for a while, looking out at the scene beyond the bridge window, where the sun is eking out its last minutes of light over the mountains. Sara shields her eyes with a hand.

“I know we were being pretty Legends-y,” Zari says, her tone apologetic, and Sara chokes out a little laugh. “But, uh. Kind of a strong reaction to our usual crap…?”

Sara blows out a long sigh. “Didn’t sleep well.” She focuses on the mug in her hands. Warm and solid.

Zari tilts her head to eyeball her captain. But she doesn’t push, and Sara’s grateful.

She shifts around so she’s facing her friend. “D’you get nightmares, Z?”

There’s an edge of bitterness in the replying laugh. Zari catches her eye. “You too, huh?”

(The crack of breaking bones, the jab of a knife into a man’s side, the bright crimson of blood—)

Sara nods tightly at her mug, swirling the tawny liquid around. “Sometimes I wake up, and it’s so dark that I don’t know if I’m in Lian Yu or on the Am—” She coughs. “Took me a few minutes, this morning.”

(Just a few brutal seconds.)

“And then you know you’re not getting back to sleep,” she finishes, keeping her voice light.

(Breathe in. One, two, three, four. Breathe out.)

Zari’s hand is on her arm, her eyes still fixed on the shadowed mountains, and Sara looks down at shaking hands again. (For fuck’s sake.)

“You know you can talk to us, right?” Zari’s voice is soft, understanding. Not patronising. “Don’t be alone if you’re having a bad day.”

Sara attempts to cover up her laugh.

Zari grins. “Fine, maybe not when we’re being all…”

“Legends-y?” Sara quirks an eyebrow.

(She’s breathing easier already.)

“That.” Zari’s grip on her arm loosens a little. “And if we’re being complete bastards, you can kick our asses.”

Humming in reply, Sara suppresses a grin. “Think if I drop the Waverider over a convenient ocean, I can get Rory and Constantine to walk the plank?”

“Oh, definitely.” Zari winks.

Sara rolls her eyes. “He really can be very… warlock-splainy.”

“Needs work.” Zari’s smiling into her mug.

Nodding seriously, Sara says, “Yeah, you’re right. We should add ‘cis’ and ‘white’ in there somewhere.”

Footsteps behind them, in long strides. Ray.

“So this is where we’re sitting?” He glances at a spot on the floor next to Sara. She gives him a wry grin.

He drops down to sit next to them, all a tangle of legs and a too-cheerful smile that usually comes with a 50-50 chance of either annoying the hell out of Sara, or blanketing her in welcome, familiar warmth. She’s surprised when he offers her his hand, and takes it. He grips hers tight in his bigger one.

(There’s power there, like all the Legends have. Dangerous and comforting in equal measure.)

“You okay, Sara?”

She nods, matching his smile. “I’m good now. Thanks, Ray.”

Charlie’s next to arrive, frowning at the floor before shrugging and bouncing down. She frowns harder at Sara. “You’ve been crying.”

Zari snorts and pats Charlie on the back. “Blunt, aren’t you?”

“Shut her up with cake,” says a gruff voice behind them, and Sara looks up at Mick Rory, struggling to get down to the floor. “Joints ain’t what they were,” he grumbles. He sets down a chocolate cake, already cut into six slices, and a pile of plates. “Made it yesterday. Was gonna bring it out later.” He shrugs.

“Great timing.” Sara grins at him, grabs a slice and shoves it at Charlie. Who does, in fact, shut up to eat it.

“Ooh,” Zari says, snatching up the biggest slice.

“I cut that one bigger for you,” Mick mutters at her, and she awws at him, clearly only half going for sarcasm.

There’s a hesitant cough behind them. “This a private party, or can any thoughtless smug bastard join in?”

John actually sounds a bit embarrassed—Sara raises an eyebrow. “Please. Take a… bit of floor.”

He laughs and does as he’s told. He’s oddly quiet once he’s sat down, but he accepts his offered slice of cake.

Sara looks around at the bridge.

(Where they’ve all been through so much. Where she punched Rip for not telling her about Laurel. Where they mourned Leonard and Martin and, later, Rip himself. Where the Legends scrambled together countless ridiculous plans, some that actually succeeded, surprising her every time. Where she had her earliest encounters with Ava, strained at first, then stumbling into something wonderful. Where she’s found so many friends… family.)

On her right, Ray and Zari are arguing about chores. It sounds mostly good-natured.

On her left, Mick and John are comparing war stories of extra-legal activities, one more battle in their ongoing contest of performative masculinity.

Opposite her, Charlie glances up from her cake to smile at Sara. She smiles back.

(It’s good not to be alone.)

Sara lets her eyes drift up to the bridge window. The horizon is a perfect masterpiece of oranges and reds painted across a stunning mountainscape. Maybe they should stay tonight, see if they can spot the Northern Lights.

She sits there, just smiling out at the mountains, as Ray and Zari’s argument gets significantly less good-natured, John and Mick’s voices rise into what could definitely be described as yelling, and Charlie starts randomly threatening to punch someone.

#bold-sartorial-statement #my fic #sara lance #team legends #legends of tomorrow fanfic #prompt fills #ficlet #CWs:#crying #nightmares #bad memories #helped by some low-key team support #team legends love sara

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cosmosogler · 6 years

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oh my god, yesterday was the wooooorst.

i left for the airport on time. the bus app said that the bus would arrive at the stop in 10 minutes (and it was a 2 minute walk away). so i had 2 hours to make a ~30 minute ride.

i missed the bus by so much that i didn’t even see it drive away from the stop before i arrived. the app had just, completely lied i guess? the rest of the day was also like that.

so i walked to the downtown station to try to catch the other bus. i also just missed that one according to the lady at the counter. she said the next downtown bus was coming in 40 minutes. so i called a taxi after fretting about it for a few minutes. the taxi driver said they’d be there in 15-20 minutes so i was like “ok.” the other route would go by in a half hour so a taxi would be faster.

the taxi took over 40 minutes to arrive. i told them never mind and got on the second bus. they said they had just pulled into the station and seemed pretty salty about it. but like... that was more than twice as long as they said they’d take.

the bus didn’t leave the station for another ten minutes. i made the wroooong choice. the bus also stopped at every single stop along the route and got stuck at some long red lights. i called my mother. i complained about it to harrison. but nothin was gonna make that bus go faster.

i missed my flight by 10 minutes.

i got put on the next flight... which was in six hours. instead of 9 or 10 pm, i’d be getting home at 3 am (my time). so i spent 6 hours bumming around the airport. i couldn’t get food when i was hungry because the person behind the counter at the snack bar didn’t show up for a very long time. i started drawing a picture on my ipad that i’d planned on working on during the flight.

the flight took off late. i had had a 20 minute layover in charlotte, so every single minute was making me more and more antsy. then when we arrived in charlotte we got put at the wrong gate so the plane sat there for more than 5 minutes before trundling away to the new gate.

the gate was at the end of one terminal. the plane i had to catch was on the other end of the airport at the end of another terminal. i sprinted!!! i had ten minutes to get there!!!

i was really bummed because you’d think since i can bike 12 miles that i could run for more than one minute before completely losing my breath and stamina. though to be fair i had not eaten and was wearing a heavy backpack and a bra that’s a little too tight. i was wheezing after a few seconds.

i actually made it? and i got my boarding pass printed at the counter with 4 minutes to spare before boarding started. i ran back to the bathroom but the line was so long i’d never make it back to the gate (the area was under construction and the nearest bathroom was more than 2 minutes away from the gate).

it had been a few hours since i’d gotten to use the restroom, and with my gallbladder out i’ve had less... like, tolerance for waiting. that might be a “stress has destroyed my body” thing more than a gallbladder thing though.

anyway i had to fidget in my plane seat for 45 minutes while waiting for boarding to end and the takeoff and then we had to reach cruising altitude.

on the flight my ipad pencil wouldn’t connect to the ipad (airplane mode i guess?) so i couldn’t draw for the 5 hours i was sitting there. i got out smash instead since i got my 3ds fixed the other day... i got really REALLY good at hitting rest on a moving target as jigglypuff. i spent like 40 minutes doing nothing but that. the other hour was just working on general combos and taking on the computer as dedede. because i had nothing else to do and wanted to get good at it again. i made a gunner mii based off blue but the mii characters don’t really seem to have any natural combos? it’s just really hard to rack up damage with them. jumbi’s way easier to play as, at least. she’s got a sword.

my thumb started hurting from the new thumb stick (it wasn’t broken in yet i guess) so i put the game away and dozed for the rest of the flight. i made some notes for the story... just thinkin about how i wanted to work out some conversations. i mostly wanted to rest because i’d be getting home at 4 am in the morning my time, the airport is an hour away from my parents’ house. i didn’t get any sleep at all.

when i got to the airport my mom and dad were actually there? i thought they’d be picking me up at the curb. but they snuck up behind me while i was trying to get to baggage claim and mom almost pushed me down the escalator.

dad acted like everything’s normal. and i guess things are “normal” now. as in, this is the new normal, because dad has either completely ignored what he did or forgotten about it.

he probably forgot about it. grabbing and threatening me and using real personal insults wasn’t a big deal ~to him~. grabbing me while i was laying in bed trying to sleep wasn’t a big deal ~to him~.

i pretended to sleep on the car ride home but again couldn’t manage to doze off. i wrote a few more story notes in my memo after a while because i gave up.

when i got home i went basically right to bed without even putting on pajamas and then i couldn’t sleep. wiley came to cuddle with me for a little bit. once he was satisfied that he had stepped on me enough times he left. i still couldn’t sleep.

when i finally did doze off, i woke up like two hours before my alarm was set to go off. so i guess i got like five hours of sleep maybe?

today was a blur. i spent a large fraction of it scanning in my old comic pages. i couldn’t get my sketchbook to fit in the scanner though no matter what i tried (i tried a lot of arrangements). so i’ll either figure that out later or not bother. there was a big dark line down the left side of the images. i was also a little upset that my loose pages didn’t fit in the scanner, so there’s a bit of the side clipped off every page image now. i was so broken up about how much i was losing that i didn’t even change the deviantart images. i know i shouldn’t put stuff on the edges of the page, but i didn’t really register it when i started the comic. i had started to use the whole page, and i put dialogue at the top and off to the sides to give myself more room to draw. i had to erase and redraw a lot of speech bubbles.

then i think i dicked around online for a while, uploading the images and stuff, and then i went downstairs to try to draw on the ipad and maybe finish that picture i’d started. i don’t think it’s going to be a fast picture... i don’t have the energy for shading though.

my brother came home so i said “hi” and “nice anime hair.” his hair is more than twice as long as mine, at least in the front. in the back it’s not quite that much longer. we drove out to freddy’s for dinner and both got real sick from the greasy burgers. he got it worse though because i had a veggie burger. then we got ice cream because we’re geniuses.

then we got groceries but i couldn’t find any tempeh. so tacos are gonna have to wait.

mom came home at 8 pm. she’d been out of the house working or driving to/from work for 13 hours today. she’s going to work for 6 hours tomorrow too. she told me about our my financial situation. but then she gave me a bunch of excuses to not teach me how to do taxes yet again this year.

i gotta start paying off my student loans though. can’t let that interest build up.

villanova apparently blew all my parents’ retirement funds. i didn’t realize they didn’t actually provide us with any financial aid. we couldn’t get loans because of the retirement money... all i managed to do at villanova was almost die!

while i was hanging out with my brother he made a few “jew” jokes. i pretended to be extremely confused. he asked if i’d never heard of jew jokes before and i shrugged and said not really. at least it got him off track. he didn’t tell any more.

i need to read up on how to deal with family members who get... weird about race. my brother’s already made holocaust jokes though. he’s been doing that. i get the feeling he fell in with the wrong crowd. i don’t remember what to do about it.

genevieve seems bored to tears. from the way my family describes her behavior she seems... depressed. she won’t go for walks. she doesn’t leave her bed and doesn’t come when called. she still won’t touch the stairs and she doesn’t spend much time in the backyard.

i got her to come twice when i called today at least. i had to be really insistent and annoying but she did come over eventually and i highly praised her generosity. that seemed to cheer her up. she wagged her tail and everything. it’s so hot out... maybe tomorrow i can get her to go to the park for a few minutes. we’ll see.

whenever i try to interact with eve my family, like, tells me how it is with her. like she’s just Like That now and there’s nothing they can do about it. “she won’t go up the stairs. she just won’t.” “she won’t come when we call her. she just looks at us. that’s all she does.” when i called eve my brother actually interrupted me to tell me yet again that she doesn’t come when called.

i got her to come.

when i try to encourage eve to check out the stairs my mother has interrupted me three times to tell me eve won’t go up the stairs. like she doesn’t want me to even try. eve is so lonely. i can tell. she’s bored and lonely. that’s why she’s started chewing up cardboard and stuff left on the floor.

i’m gonna take my work downstairs tomorrow and work in the kitchen i think.

this evening i tried to start drawing for the comic again. i got one panel done, but IT’S SO HOT HERE. MY HANDS WERE SWEATING BEFORE I COULD EVEN PICK UP THE PENCIL. EVERYTHING GOT SO SMUDGED!!! it’s going to be a real struggle to finish two scenes this week. ten pages... i’ve got three finished already and in my drafts on the comic. so, i need to draw seven pages. i’ll work on it tomorrow if i can. these pages might suffer because of the heat though. i smudged one of the older pages before i could even get it in the scanner. i somehow got graphite on my LEFT hand, which never gets smudgy when i work... it’s always the side of my right hand since i rest it on the paper so it doesn’t shake.

my back really, really hurts. my shoulders and neck also really hurt. i tried stretching, but i didn’t really put a lot of effort into it... i always feel so, like, unable to do things here. unwilling to do things, maybe. lethargic. i didn’t get to meditate yesterday and i’m skipping it tonight because i don’t want to make noise with the guided thing. i’ve been lax about it anyway. i feel so on edge.

when i tried to have lunch at like 10:30 (? i lost track of time) this morning i was immediately very ill. so i ended up not having any food for about 27 hours, if we decide to cut out the leftovers adventure there. i didn’t try to eat again until i went out with my brother. to fast food... only good decisions, folks!!

still feeling super lethargic even though i finished a panel. i’ve got a lot of drawing to do. i hope tomorrow i feel better. on sunday i’m going to the movies with asher, i think.

you know what i’m probably feeling so low energy because i didn’t eat for so long and also i haven’t slept well in two days. or, really, in a very long time, but especially the last two nights. i still need to talk to mom about finances for, like, hiring a study specialist... i don’t think we’re going to have the money to afford the psychiatrist my therapist recommended. she REALLY wants me to get a second opinion on my meds but i just don’t think it’s a big enough deal to warrant shelling out for full price psychiatrist appointments. that doctor doesn’t take insurance and it’s just... i know how expensive this gets. it’s already expensive enough getting even regular check ups for snoopy.

i hate living here... it’s so dirty and dusty and dilapidated. in my apartment i keep everything pretty orderly and don’t hold on to things i’m not using. or at least, i try not to. i don’t have enough space to hoard random stuff and i don’t get that attached to those things anyway. my mom won’t even throw out old food that nobody ate for the 3 years before it went bad (2 years ago). they’ve been using my room as a storage space while they paint the game room, but that project’s going super slow because they’ve been at it for months now. so now there’s just tons of crap stacked in front of my dresser (so i can’t actually get to the clothes i left here) and you can’t even get to my sister’s door. she’s in korea anyway i guess so that doesn’t matter as much.

ok anyway i’ve been writing for a while now. thanks for listening. i’ve got a lot more sore muscles than just my back and neck and shoulders. maybe i pulled something while sprinting around the airport yesterday, because breathing is a chore and my legs are just... not feelin it. i’m just trying really hard not to get sick. my mom came in my room and coughed all over me without even covering her mouth so it’s like, well, guess i don’t have any control over that either!

high stakes, no control!!!!!!!!! just how i’m used to it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it’s 11:40 arizona time but i know my body thinks it’s way later. i’m so tired. i don’t think i’ll be able to sleep though. guess i should try anyway.

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365dniprivate · 4 years

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Chapter 4

Giardini Naxos - the town where Martin and I had arrived a few days ago, lay several kilometers from Taormina and was visible from virtually everywhere in the city. It dawned on me that this city had previously been one of our sightseeing destinations, which is why it'd felt so familiar. What if we came across Martin, Michał or Karolina? Would any of them try to step in and rescue me? I fidgeted restlessly in my seat while considering this thought.

"They left the island yesterday," he said, as if reading my mind. How did he know what I was thinking about? I stared at him with a puzzled look, but he didn't seem to notice.9

When we arrived, the sun was slowly setting on the streets of Taormina. The city was teeming with life; hundreds of tourists and residents, tempted by numerous cafes and restaurants, filled the narrow, picturesque roads. I smiled when I began to notice signs pointing to all kinds of luxury boutiques. These stores were a common sight in Warsaw, but in a place that was practically at the end of the world, they were completely unexpected.

The car stopped, and the driver got out to open the door for us. Massimo offered me his hand to help me exit the large SUV. Another car pulled up next to us, from which stepped out two men dressed in black suits - Massimo's protection. He led me down one of the main roads, his men following behind at a close distance so as not to draw attention to themselves. If their goal was to blend in, a better outfit would've been shorts and flip-flops, though I supposed it would've been difficult to hide a weapon in beach clothes.

The first store we visited was the Roberto Cavalli boutique. We'd no sooner stepped through the door when a saleswoman rushed to us, warmly welcoming my companion, then me. An older man, dressed quite fashionably, came out of the back room and greeted Massimo in Italian with two kisses on the cheeks, then turned toward me.

"Bella," he said, holding my hands; it was one of the few words in Italian that I understood. I smiled warmly at him, in thanks for his compliment.

"My name is Antonio, and I'll be helping you select the perfect wardrobe," he began in fluent English. He studied me for a bit, then stated matter-of-factly, "Size 36, yes? Maybe even 34, depending on bra size."

"As you can see, nature hasn't endowed me well," I said, pointing with laughter to my breasts.

"Oh, my love!" Antonio exclaimed. "Roberto Cavalli loves such shapes! Let us go and give Don Massimo a chance to rest."

Massimo sat down on a couch made of luxurious silver material. A cold bottle of Dom Pérignon was waiting beside him, and one of the grateful saleswomen filled a glass for him. Massimo gave me a lustful look, then opened a newspaper and started to read.

Antonio, whistling contentedly, brought dozens of dresses to the fitting room, flying past me while carrying garments of incredible value. You could easily purchase an apartment in Warsaw with how much these all cost, I thought. After trying on clothes for a little over an hour, I settled on a few different outfits that were packed away for us in decorative boxes.

The situation was similar in the other stores we stopped at - an excited, over the top welcome and endless shopping. Prada, Louis Vuitton, Chanel, Louboutin; each time, Massimo would sit down and flip through his newspaper, talk on his phone or check something on his iPad. He didn't seem to be interested in what I was doing at all, which on the one hand felt like a nice reprieve, but on the other hand annoyed me greatly.

I couldn't figure him out; this morning it'd been nearly impossible for him to tear himself away from me, and now that he had the opportunity to see me in all of these beautiful clothes, he wanted nothing to do with me. Is this how Julia Roberts felt in Pretty Woman?

Victoria's Secret, which was our final destination, greeted us with a barrage of pink. The color was everywhere - on the walls, on the couches, on the saleswomen; it made me feel like I'd fallen into a cotton candy machine.2

Massimo looked at me while pulling the phone away from his ear. "This will be our last stop for today; we're almost out of time. Keep that in mind while shopping," he said casually, then turned away, sat down in a nearby chair and resumed his conversation. I stood there and looked at him disapprovingly - not because the shopping spree was over, as I'd had enough, but because of the way he'd treated me.

"Signora," the saleswoman called to me. She invited me into the fitting room with a friendly gesture. The first thing I noticed as I walked in was the sheer number of bathing suits, lingerie sets, and pairs of underwear that'd already been set aside for me, with the mountain of colorful fabrics - mainly lace - fully covering one of the chairs.

"You don't need to try on everything, just one or two sets so I can be sure that the size I've chosen for you is correct," she said and disappeared, sliding the heavy pink curtain behind her. What are all these panties for? I haven't owned this many pairs in my entire life, I thought.

I leaned out from behind the curtain and asked the saleswoman, "Who chose all these?"

She jumped to her feet and stepped closer. "Don Massimo asked that we prepare these items from our catalogue specifically for you."

"I understand," I said, hiding back behind the curtain. I began to notice a distinct pattern while rummaging through the pile: lace, lace, and more lace, with one or two cotton pieces thrown in. How incredibly comfortable, I grunted ironically.1

I chose to try on the combined silk and red lace set, and slowly took off my dress. The delicate bra fit perfectly on my small breasts, and I was thrilled to find out that, although it wasn't a push-up bra, it made my bust look very tempting. I bent down and dragged the lace thong over my legs. When I straightened up to look in the mirror, I saw Massimo standing behind me. He was leaning against the fitting room wall with his hands in his pockets, eyeing me up and down.

I turned and glared at him. "What are you..." was all I managed to say before he grabbed my neck and pressed my back to the mirror. He clung to me with his whole body, gently running his thumb over my lips. I tensed up, his body blocking my every move. He stopped playing with my mouth and stretched his arm around my neck. The embrace wasn't strong, and it didn't have to be; he just needed to assert his dominance.

"Don't move," he said, piercing right through me with his wild eyes. He looked down and groaned softly. "You look nice," he hissed through his teeth, "But you can't wear this - not yet."

The words "you can't" were spoken by him with encouragement, almost as if it was an order for me to do the exact opposite. I moved my bottom away from the cold mirror and slowly took a step forward. Massimo didn't object, moving backward with the same rhythm and speed as I was moving forward, keeping his hand clamped on my neck the entire time.

When I was far enough from the mirror that he could see me completely, I noticed that his gaze was fixed on my reflection, as if watching his prey. He was breathing loudly, his chest rising more rapidly, his pants growing too tight.

"Massimo," I said softly. He turned his gaze away from my ass and looked into my eyes. "Leave the fitting room, or I guarantee this will be the first and last time you see me like this."

He smiled, treating what I'd said as a challenge. His hand tightened around my neck, and his eyes burned with a combination of rage and desire. He took a step forward, then another, and stuck my body against the cold mirror again, releasing my neck.

"I chose all of this for you, and I'll decide when I see it," he said calmly, then turned and left. I stood there for a moment, feeling enraged and overjoyed at the same time; I was starting to understand the rules of his game, and starting to learn my opponent's weak spots.

As I was putting my dress back on, I felt my anger consuming me. I grabbed the pile that was sitting on the chair and barged out of the fitting room. The saleswoman jumped up, but I stormed past her to find Massimo sitting on the couch again. I went and threw everything I was carrying in my hands at him.

"Here - you chose all this, so have it!" I screamed, and ran out of the store. The security detail that'd been waiting outside the boutique cared little as I passed them; they simply looked back to check on Massimo, then relaxed.

I ran through the crowded streets, wondering what I'd just done and what would happen to me. I saw a staircase between two buildings and quickly climbed it. There was another staircase, further down from where I stood, so I ran to it and continued climbing higher and higher until I was about two blocks away from where I'd escaped. I leaned against the wall, exhausted; though my shoes were beautiful, they were definitely not made for running. I looked toward the sky, at the castle overlooking Taormina. Fuck no, I can't endure a whole year of this, I thought.

"It used to be a fortress," I heard a voice say from behind me. "Do you want to keep running there, or will you save my men the effort, and remember - they don't have the same heart condition as you."

I turned to see Massimo standing on the steps. I could tell he'd been running after me, as his hair was now messy from the wind, but he wasn't gasping for air like I was. He leaned against the wall and casually put his hands in his pockets.

"We must head back now; if you need a work out, there's a gym at my residence, along with a swimming pool. If you were just interested in running up some stairs, I've got a number of them waiting for you."

I knew I had no choice but to go back with him, but at least for a brief moment it'd felt like I was doing what I wanted to do. He reached his hand out to me, but I ignored it and started back down the stairs, where two men now stood in black suits. I glared at them both, walked to the SUV parked next to them, climbed inside and slammed the door.

* * * * * * *

It was a while before Massimo joined me in the car. He sat next to me, phone to his ear, until we arrived back at his villa and parked in the driveway. I had no idea what his conversation was about, as I only understood a few words of Italian, but his tone was very flat and calm. He listened for most of the call, speaking only a few brief sentences here and there, his body language giving nothing away.

I tried grabbing the door handle to exit the vehicle, but it was locked. Massimo finished his conversation, put the phone inside his jacket pocket and looked at me. "Dinner will be ready in an hour; I'll send Domenico to get you."

The car door opened and the young man extended a hand to help me out. I got out without his help and passed him, smiling brightly. I walked inside, with Domenico following close behind, and kept my focus away from the area that'd been the scene of last night's nightmare.

"To the right," he said quietly as I headed through the wrong door. I looked back and nodded, thanking him for his direction, and moments later arrived back to my room. Domenico stood in the doorway, as if waiting for permission to enter.

"I'll have the items you've purchased today brought here for you. Is there anything else I can do for you?" He asked.

"Yes, I'd like to have a drink before dinner - unless I'm not allowed to, of course."

He smiled and nodded knowingly, then disappeared into the darkness of the corridor. I went into the bathroom, closed the door and threw off my dress. I stood in the shower and turned on the cold water; after today, I needed to cool down. The freezing water made it difficult to breathe but became pleasant after a while, and once my emotions had been cooled, I increased the temperature. I washed my hair, applied conditioner and sat back against the wall. The water was comfortably warm and flowing gently down the glass panels surrounding the shower, soothing me.1

I took a moment to stop and think about the day's events. I was so confused; Massimo was such a complicated man, and very unpredictable. I realized that if I didn't start to accept the situation I found myself in and try my best to live a normal life, I'd quickly become defeated.

Another thought occurred to me - What was I fighting for? There was nothing waiting for me back in Warsaw, and everything I'd once had was now gone; all that was left was the adventure that fate had thrust upon me. It's time to get a grip and come to terms with this situation, Laura, I thought to myself, then stood up from the floor.

I rinsed my hair and wrapped it in a towel, then put on a bathrobe and left the bathroom to see dozens of boxes filling the bedroom. I was overwhelmed at the sight of them, but I had a plan in mind for my purchases.

I found some bags with the Victoria's Secret logo and started to dig through the dozens of options Massimo had picked out for me, eventually coming across the red lace set I'd tried on earlier in the store. I searched some more boxes to find a short, see-through black dress, then pulled out a matching pair of Louboutin heels. Now that's an outfit that Massimo definitely won't be able to handle.1

I headed back to the bathroom, toward the vanity, taking the bottle of champagne that was by the fireplace with me. I poured myself a glass and emptied it in one breath; I needed some liquid courage. I poured another, sat down in front of the mirror and got to work with my cosmetics. When I'd finished, my eyes were well defined, my complexion was perfect and my lips glistened with flesh-colored Chanel lipstick. I dried my hair, curling it slightly and pinned it up in a tall bun.

Domenico's voice came through the door. "Laura, dinner is waiting."

"Two more minutes, and I'll be ready," I shouted through the door while putting on my underwear. I quickly threw on the dress, slipped the high heels over my feet and generously applied some of my beloved perfume. I stood in front of the mirror and nodded with satisfaction. I looked simply divine; the see-through dress was stunning, and the red lace that showed through perfectly matched the red soles of my shoes. It was very elegant, and very provocative.

I quickly finished my third glass of champagne and, though slightly inebriated, was ready for dinner.

Domenico opened his eyes wide as he saw me leave the bathroom. "You look..." He paused, searching for the right word.1

"I know, and thank you," I replied, smiling flirtatiously.

"Those heels are to die for," he said, almost whispering, and gave me his arm. I took it and allowed him to lead me through the corridor. We went out onto the terrace where I'd had breakfast this morning, the canvas roof now reflecting the light of hundreds of candles placed neatly around the patio. Massimo stood with his back to us, staring off into the distance.

"I'll go on alone," I said, letting go of the young man's arm.

With that, Domenico disappeared, and I took a step toward Massimo. He looked back at the sound of my heels hitting the stone floor. He was dressed in gray linen pants and a light sweater of the same color, with the sleeves rolled up. He approached the table and set the glass he'd been holding in his hand down, watching every step I took as I came to him.

He leaned back on the table as I stopped in front of him, parting his legs slightly. I stood between them, keeping my eyes on him. The sexual tension between us was electric, and I would've been able to feel his desire for me even if I was blind.

"Do you like what you see?" I asked quietly, biting my lower lip. Massimo straightened himself to show me that, even in high heels, I was shorter than him.

"You are aware," he whispered, "that if you tempt me now, I won't be able to control myself?"

I rested my hand on his hard chest and gave him a gentle push, signalling that I wanted him to sit down. He didn't resist me, and slowly sat down in the chair. His eyes were curious and burning with passion - he examined my face, my dress, my shoes, and above all, the red lace that dominated my outfit. I stood close enough to him that the only scent he was able to focus on was my perfume. I tucked my right hand in his hair to gently pull his head down, and he gave in to me completely.

I brought my lips closer to his, and quietly asked, "Are you satisfied now?"

After a moment of silence, I let go of his hair, went to the cooler and poured myself a drink. Massimo was still sitting there, inspecting me with his eyes, his lips forming a smile. I sat down away from him, playing with the edge of my glass.

"Let's eat," I told him, giving him a bored look.

He stood up and came toward me, putting his hands on my shoulders. He bent down, took a deep breath and whispered, "You look wonderful." He brushed the edge of my ear with his tongue. "Never has a woman affected me the way that you do."

His teeth ran gently over my neck. A shiver coursed through my body, the beginning of which radiated from between my legs. "I want to throw you on this table, pull that short dress up and toss away those panties." I took a deep breath, feeling the excitement growing within me.

"I could smell your perfume from the doorway; I want to lick it off your entire body," he continued, then began to clench and move his hands rhythmically and firmly around my arms.1

"There's one place on my body that you can't touch yet," I said.

"And that's exactly where I want to be," he replied, ending his sensual argument with me. He started to gently kiss and bite my neck. I didn't object, turning my head to the side for better access. His hands slid slowly down my neckline and eventually came to my breasts, which he squeezed firmly. I let out a low moan.

"I know that you want me, Laura." I felt his hands and lips move away. "But remember, this is my game, and I set the rules."

He gave me one final kiss on the cheek, then sat in the chair next to me. He'd won and we both knew it, but that didn't change the fact that his pants were once again too tight for his body. I pretended to be unmoved by the situation, but that only seemed to amuse my companion. He sat there playing with his glass of champagne, a sly smile clearly visible on his face.

Domenico appeared in the doorway, looked at us then disappeared back into the house. A moment later, two men came out to serve us a starter of carpaccio and octopus, which were both delicious, and the next few courses only got better.

We ate in silence, giving each other quick, playful glances from time to time. As we finished, I moved my chair away from the table, poured another glass of pink wine and said, "Cosa nostra."

Massimo shot me a warning look.

"As far as I know, it doesn't exist - is that true?"

He sneered and asked in a low voice, "What else do you think you know, baby?"

I started to nervously turn the glass between my fingers. "Well, I'm sure everyone has seen The Godfather; I'm just wondering how much of that movie is true about you."

"About me?" He asked, surprised. "There's nothing in that movie about me, as far as I know."

I could tell he was making fun of me. He wouldn't answer my roundabout questions, so I asked him directly, "What exactly do you do?"

"I'm a businessman."

I didn't give up, pressing him again.

"Seriously? You expect a year-long declaration of obedience from me, but you don't think I should know what I'm signing up for?"

His expression turned serious, his eyes glaring at me. "You have every right to expect some answers, and I'll give them to you as much as I can; you deserve that much, at least." He took a sip of his wine. "After my father's death, I became the chosen head of the family, which is why people address me as 'don'. I own several companies - clubs, restaurants, hotels; think of our family like a corporation, and I'm the CEO. Our family is part of a larger overall group, though, but I won't get into that now. If you'd like the full history I can give it to you, but I think having such intimate knowledge would be unnecessary, and even dangerous."

He seemed to be growing increasingly more annoyed as he spoke. "To be honest, I'm not sure what it is, exactly, that you want to know. Are you asking if I have a consigliere? Well I do, and I'm sure you'll meet him soon enough. Are you asking if I'm a dangerous man, or if I solve my problems through violence? I'm sure those questions were answered for you last night. Now, is there anything else?"

There were a million thoughts running through my head, but nothing more that I needed to know then. The situation had been clear for some time, though I hadn't realized it. I guess my questions really were answered last night, like he said.

"When will you give me my phone and computer back?"

Massimo adjusted in his chair, throwing his leg onto his knee. "Whenever you want, baby. We'll just need to discuss what you'll say to the people you want to contact."

I drew a breath to say something, but he raised his hand to cut me off. "Before you even start, let me tell you how this will go. You'll call your parents, and if necessary, you'll fly back to Poland." My eyes lit up at those words, and the expression on my face turned to joy.

"You'll tell them that you received a very lucrative job offer at one of the hotels here in Sicily, and that you intend to take the offer. I'll make sure the contract includes a one-year probationary period, so you won't have to lie to your loved ones when you want to contact them.

"Your belongings were removed from Martin's apartment before he returned to Warsaw, and should be here on the island tomorrow. Consider the subject of this man now closed; I don't want you having anything to do with him anymore."

I looked at him questioningly.

"In case I wasn't clear the first time, let me say it again: I forbid you from contacting him," he said firmly. "Now, is there anything else?"

I was silent for a moment. He'd thought of every possibility; the story was well planned and made sense.

"And what if I need to visit my family?" I continued. "What then?"

Massimo frowned. "Well, then I guess I'll get to know your beautiful country."

I laughed and sipped my wine. I can already see the newspaper headlines - Head of Sicilian Mafia Appears in Warsaw, I thought to myself.

"Do I have a say in any of this?" I asked inquisitively.

"Unfortunately, this isn't up for discussion; this is how it's going to happen." He leaned toward me. "Laura, you're a smart girl. I would've thought by now that you would've realized one simple truth - I always get what I want."

"Not always, Don Massimo," I responded, dropping my eyes to look at the lace underwear that peeked out from under my dress. I bit my lip and slowly rose from the chair, with Massimo watching intently. I took off my wonderful red-soled heels and headed for the garden.

The grass was moist and the air tasted of sea salt. I knew that he wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to follow me for long, and after a few moments he gave in to that temptation. It was peaceful in the garden, with only the lights from the boats swaying in the distant sea to guide me. I stopped when I reached the square couch with canopy that I'd taken a nap on earlier in the day.

"You feel comfortable here, don't you?" Massimo asked, standing next to me, and he was right - I did feel comfortable here. This place didn't feel strange or new to me, and I felt like I'd lived here my entire life. Besides, what girl wouldn't like to stay in a beautiful Italian villa, with all of these comforts and services?

"I'm getting used to it because I have no other choice," I replied, taking another sip of wine. Massimo took the glass from my hand and threw it onto the grass. He took me in his arms and placed me gently on the white pillows. My breath sped up, knowing what was about to happen. He flipped one leg above me and lay on top of me, like this morning. I'd been afraid then, but now all I felt was curiosity and excitement; maybe the alcohol had finally caught up to me, or maybe I'd just accepted the situation I'd found myself in.

Massimo, with his hands on both sides of my head, leaned forward into me. "I'd like to kiss you," he whispered, nudging my lips.

I froze. A man so dangerous and powerful, asking for permission to show me tenderness and love? My hands went to his face and stopped on his cheeks. I held him for a moment, looking deeply into his calm, black eyes, then pulled him to me gently. When our lips met, Massimo attacked me with all of his strength, forcefully and greedily opening my mouth wider and wider, our tongues moving in one rhythm. His body fell over me, arms entangled around my shoulders. We both wanted each other, our lips and tongues massaging each other deeply and passionately.

Once the adrenaline had flowed away and I'd calmed down slightly, I realized what I was doing. "Wait, stop it," I said, pushing him away.

Massimo didn't intend on stopping, though. He grabbed my wrists firmly and pressed them against the white sofa, raising my hands above my head. He removed one hand and started caressing my thigh, following the curve of my body until he came across the lace panties. He grabbed them and took his mouth away from mine.

The pale light from the distant lighthouse illuminated my terrified face. I didn't fight him; there was no chance of winning. I lay there quietly, tears streaming down my cheeks. Upon seeing this, he let go of my hands, threw himself off me and sat down, resting his feet on wet grass.1

"You little..." he whispered heavily. "You know, when your whole life revolves around violence and you've had to fight for everything, it's difficult to react kindly when someone takes away something you desire."

He stood up and ran a hand through his hair while pacing, leaving me lying on my back. I was furious with Massimo, but at the same time, I felt sorry for him. He didn't strike me as one of those men who violently took women and tortured them; this kind of behavior was just natural to him, with a strong touch being as casual as a handshake. He'd also never cared about anyone before, and never needed to consider anyone else's emotions. Now that he wanted someone to reciprocate his feelings, the only way he knew to accomplish that was by force.

A vibration from his pants pulled us from the terrifying silence. Massimo took out his phone, looked at the screen, then answered. While he was talking, I wiped my tears away and stood up from the couch, slowly walking toward the house. I was tired, drunk and completely confused. It took me a minute, but eventually I arrived back at my room and passed out on the bed, completely exhausted.

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stemcelltransplant-blog · 7 years

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Sunday, March 27th, 2017

Was gonna start at around 8pm today. After spending like 3-4 hours on the first entry yesterday, I definitely wanted to start earlier. Alas, I was too tired and slept some more but now I'm awake so I'm hoping to just focus and write my lovely scrambles.

Got lots of good reactions to my first entry yesterday. I have three versions of this now but I want to do a project to make a just personal website (not with my overdue website).

Nurse just came in! Done for tonight! No random interaction sayings for tonight. Sad. :(

Daddy about to sleep. Love him <3

Today. Long yet short. It's weird. I'm trying to think of things to say but it's such a blur from sleeping on and off.

It's a weird kinda feeling. When you sleep on and off all day, it just feels like a dream. Everything's faded, foggy.

So today, I woke up. Lol. Such a boring being.

Well, really I didn't wake up. I actually was awake all night. Stupid awake brain. I wouldn't stop thinking all night. Tried EVERYTHING. No electronics. Watching a show. Reading an article. Then I made the mistake. I opened my computer and started working. I was obsessed with trying to format a blog online (which would have been fine to just do over a few days). You can actually tell I was awake from all of my posts on Facebook. Then, there was this thing on Facebook I was trying to fix. I wanted my link in my post to show in the link preview box thingy so it would look organized. Spent a few hours just trying to fix it on my iPad which would have been easier on my laptop but for some reason I was too lazy to pick up my laptop. Felt that working on iPad gave might make it easier to go to sleep.

So then Nadine came in the morning.

See, now I'm starting to remember my day. Let the rambling begin!

Nadine is my nurse. So actually the nurses change a few times a day here. i get old and new nurses. It's annoying in a way. I'd rather just have a personal nurse because then they don't have to ask the same questions everyday, constantly check vitals, check heart rate and lungs, etc. On the bright side, I get to meet new people. But occasionally you'll get a the nurse who keeps you up all night or keep forgetting to do things.

Did I mention that I'm on contact isolation? Any time a nurse comes in, they have to gown up in protective gear. Also on respiratory isolation so they have to wear a mask. And then there's this special hazmat suit thingy they wear for my hazardous drugs. It doesn't bother me but I feel bad for the nurses. If they forgot something outside the door, they have to take off their gown to leave the room. And then put another one on when coming back it. Often, they'll just shout out the corridor to have another nurse get something for them. Now the door keeps opening and closing. Lots of noise.

Ugh. Papa forgot to get me a drink for the night. Wondering the quietest way to call for a drink without waking up papa. Is it better to just call the nurse now O.o? or to just have water and call when I need more? See, we have call buttons in our rooms for when we need something. Problem is, they're loud. It'll wake Papa up in the morning. Right now, I'm probably bothering him with my typing and the light from my laptop (he'll occasionally move or ask if I'm ok or tell me to sleep). The only way I know he's really asleep is when he snores.

Pee. Thinking I have to pee. Don't want to get up. Lazy. Papa will definitely hear me.

Ok, getting up now. Be right back.

Nurse just came in. Have to renew my blood type and screen. Blood draw. Luckily have a triple lumen central line. No poking, prodding, sticking.

Loving this nurse. She scrubs the hub for thirty seconds. Central lines get infected easily so when the end is left open, there's always a chance for infections. Nurses are supposed to scrub the end with alcohol wipes for thirty seconds for optimal sanitizing.

See, I'm very cautious and aware of my own health care. People take health for granted. Having an illness changes your perspective on almost everything. After having colitis for more than four years now, my life has changed significantly in small ways that I've become thankful for the weirdest of things. Restrooms around every corridor. Standing straight. Strong bones. Stable hands. Strolling through places. Being able to hold my potty. Etc.

Stomach rumbling but not feeling hungry. To drink calories or not.

Warning: gross illness technicalities. This is actually really important in this transplant right now. Calories. Intake and output (amount of stool and urine for output and what I drink for input).. Since getting GVHD of the gut, I've been on a bowel rest. I went about four weeks without any food. Doctors measured stool output to check on how bad the GVHD is. Really bad gut GVHD has four liters of stool output a day. Without eating. I came back to the hospital with over a liter of stool. My doc says that's about a 6 on a 1-10 scale of how bad the GVHD is. No idea what a normal output is. So then they started to add medications. Spent three weeks just adding different drugs. With no food. Just water with medicine. Having alternating good and bad stool days. Docs are looking for less than five hundred stool before adding anything to eat or drink. Worst days during the three weeks were when stool got to goals and I started weening off of steroids (to lower my drug with it's bad side effect of a higher rick for infection)

Supposed to be asleep right now.

Warning: more gross technicalities. What happened? Went from 200 mg to 150 mg a day. Was fine. Goes down to 50 mg per day. FLARE. Pooping more than a liter of stool again. From less than five hundred mg stool to over a liter in a day. Absolutely horrible.

Took another week to recover after increasing steroids to 150. First two days of pooping every 30 minutes. Finally, stool was at goals for a couple of days after another week. Weening off steroids again. So scared.

Tomorrow starts day 94 post-transplant. Was supposed to be going home at day 100.

Weening of steroids again:

Day 1:Went down 10 mg.

Day 2: So far so good.

Day 3: Add a clear liquid item. Chose cherry Italian fruit ice.

Day 4: Down 15 mg. Goes well.

Day 5: One clear liquid. Chicken broth.

Kept asking if I could have one or two items, does it matter if they're the same item. So excited to finally be eating! :D

Day 6: Two items. Broth and fruit ice to be cautious.

Day 7: Down 15 mg.

Day 8: Add another item.

Basically now, down 15 mg and adding items every 1-2 days.

Point was? To explain why it's important how many calories I intake. All because I'm deciding what to drink now that I can finally eat.

Ok, so back to today. Nadine came in for morning blood draws. Asked how was my night. Said I slept well. She had come in the middle of the night to check up on me. Tots knew that something was up. My dad started to wake up and asked how my night was. I tell him the truth. Don't know why. Stayed up all night. Brain wouldn't turn off. Now, Nadine says, "I knew something was up when you said you slept. I could just tell that you didn't sleep." LOL. Guess who's in trouble? Haha. No, we were just joking around. Fun memories.

The rest of the day is a blur again. So, it's a Sunday. That means not too much medicine wise. Also, everyone is gone so not too many visitors. I get my morning meds and everything. Still on clear liquids diet. I think I just caught up on sleep until going on pass.

Went to apartment. Was trying to go see the wonderful cherry blossoms. SO EXCITED. It's peaking right now. But we got a call from the photographer we really enjoyed that Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday afternoon would work to go and take pics. Hard decision. Decided to stay at apartment and just chill.

Sleep. Wonderful. That's all I did. Back to NIH.

Then we see one of my favorite nurses. NEED MOE for night nurse. Too late to request. Why???? I need to request her for tomorrow.

Still tired. Needed to start earlier on writing. Told myself to nap for an hour and write. Slept until about 10. in and out until 11. Tots awake. 11:45 dad wants to sleep. Tells me to sleep. Secretly keeps journaling until 2 am.

Now closing laptop and sleeping. Wish I had more to say. Good night.

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waynekelton · 5 years

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The Weekender: Barbarian's Unite! Edition

Up till at least yesterday afternoon I was thinking this was going to be another fairly slow week in terms of new releases, and then everything seemed to happen all at once. It's been more of a place-holder week in terms of content although it was nice getting an official 'games like' Auto Chess guide out the door - I know a lot of people have been wary of accidentally jumping on a clone. Revisiting our BoardGameGeek mobile list was also fun.

Next week we should have a few more reviews, as well as guide content on some of our newly arrived 'Games of Interest', but I will try and maintain a balance of posts for those of you who aren't interested in AR or the latest fads.

Meanwhile, in the world of mobile gaming...

Out Now

DOTA Underlords (Beta) (iOS & Android)

Launching last night, Valve’s official take on the unofficial Auto Chess Mod for DOTA 2 game is, officially, available on iOS and Android. I’ve taken it out for a spin – it’s… ok? There's a bit of a weirdness about it right now; because this is an official interpretation of the mod, and the official Auto Chess app is a whitewashed version of that mod to avoid IP conflicts. It means I feel like I’m in a strange dreamworld where I recognise everything, and yet nothing is actually the same.

It’s certainly a prettier looking app, although something about the pieces feels a bit lack-lustre in how they move and fight. It’s got some almost game-changing quality of life improvements over the main Auto Chess game, such as offline play, switching between PC and mobile, as well as some nice UI goodness that should really become the standard for games like this. I’m not a fan of you not being able to buy pieces and place them on the board – they have to go to your bench (which makes managing your bench numbers even more important). I’ve got someone looking into this over the weekend so we’ll have a deeper look at it next week.

Rome: Total War – Barbarian Invasion (iOS Universal & Android) (Review)

Rome: Total War’s first expansion, originally released on PC back in 2004, was released onto iPads in April 2017, followed by iPhone only this year in May. Now it’s finally come to Android, so all you freedom fighters out there can enjoy bringing down one or both halves of the Roman Empire with your unwashed hordes. Or try and save Rome and restore it to its past glory (which from what I remember is really, really hard). Feral Interactive have a released a list of all the ‘officially’ supported devices. All of the Google Pixel Phones, Samsung Galaxy S7 and up, the Nokia 8 etc… so make sure you check to see if your device is supported.

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Fox Factory (iOS & Android) – Full Review Coming Soon!

As my daughter grows older, I’m going to be more and more alert to what kinds of apps and games are out there that cater to children. And I’m just talking about ‘games’ – I do want to try and find some decent educational experiences as well. Me and my wife are basically in agreement about regulating screen-time, but I’m more optimistic about apps power to educate and entertain in the same way children’s books do.

Fox Factory caught me eye this week for exactly this reason – it’s a colourful puzzle game that’s designed to try and teach programming logic for kids aged 7 and upwards. It has parental controls, no IAPS or advertising, and doesn’t seem to be too geared towards making ‘success’ too important for the enjoyment of the app. I’ll get someone on this ASAP to do a full review and we’ll see if it lives up to its promises.

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Harry Potter: Wizard’s Unite (iOS & Android)

Launching ahead of time yesterday evening, Niantic’s latest foray into location-based AR gameplay is now available to anyone living in the UK and the US, with further roll-outs planned over the coming weeks. If you ever played Pokémon GO when it first came out, you’ll recognise the basic gameplay loop. By walking around your local area, you’ll find encounters where you can draw on your screen to cast spells, and then key locations in your area will have been turned into either Inns, Greenhouses or Fortresses for you to interact with.

Niantic have tried to provide a better grounding of stuff to do for Wizard’s Unites initial release – the spread of locations seems a lot better (Pokémon Go did not like the Medway towns), and there’s more activities to do at home such as potion brewing and making a wicked selfie. The story is a bit clumsy, if I’m honest, but it’s still got that magical pull of getting you outside to have a bit of fun in news ways. Fair warning – there are micro-transactions and an energy metre that limits what you can get done in a single session.

You can buy premium currency and cosmetic items, as well as in-game items that will help speed up some of the various processes in the game. This is purely co-operative for the moment, so it’s not ‘Pay-to-Win’ but players can buy themselves an advantage. We’ll be looking into this one more over the coming weeks.

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And the rest…

Other games that caught our eye this week include Olimdal on iOS, a challenging based movement puzzle where everything in the room moves when you do, and Serial Cleaner!, which seems to be a stealth/puzzle-y based on you being a clean-up guy who needs to go find bodies and clean up rooms without getting caught. It's not as good as it could be though, by all accounts.

Updates

Stardew Valley (iOS and Android) (Review)

If you’re a fan of the ‘Farming & Village Life’ Simulator, you’ll have been treated to three smaller updates over the past week. V1.31 and V1.32 improved support for gamepads and did a round of bug fixes, where as V1.33 fixed a bug with gamepads and chests. Now you can control almost all of the game functions and menus with a controller instead of the touch interface, if that’s more your speed.

Star Traders: Frontiers (iOS and Android) (Review)

I should probably just create a template for this article that has a Star Traders entry permanently carved in stone or something. The Trese Brothers have updated Frontiers yet again, adding in new talents for the Doctor and the Zealot, as well as tweaking mission/contract generation and some rules around boarding talents.

Sales

Nothing actually worth shouting about this week, unless you’ve been eyeing up Noch mal!’s digital port. It’s a dollar cheaper than it usually is. Otherwise save your money and we’ll see what crops up next week.

Seen anything else you liked? Played any of the above? Let us know in the comments!

The Weekender: Barbarian's Unite! Edition published first on https://touchgen.tumblr.com/

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