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killiths · 3 years

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so where do i start...

well... i just wanna say that i’m fucking sick and tired of this shit. like, i am done taking this shit from natalie (@/simon-haynes) not taking any fucking responsibility and not being able to be accountable for the shit she’s done and people eating up her lies like she’s a fucking saint... i am totally, completely and unbelievably sick of this bitch... can’t even say it differently. and whilst the reason im writing this is because of rae, i have my own story with natalie to share :) because i am SICK and TIRED of this bitch acting like a saint compared to rae... because trust me on this... she really is NOT. also, the reason she’s going round spreading lies abt rae is pretty much similar to what ive gone thru w her so... like, not in what happened but like... rae upset natalie and she snapped and went around spreading lies. i got upset bc of natalie but i didn’t snap and go into other servers that weren’t even remotely involved to talk smack about her and spread lies. innit funny how i am literally like 7 years younger than her but clearly more mature? :)

anyways, i might not have all the receipts but nor does she, actually, and ppl believe her bs lies about rae so here i come with the TRUTH that i’ve been keeping quiet for so long because i didn’t think i’d need to bring it up for people to see how fucked in the head she actually is ???

but yeah,lemme just mention some of the shit she’s been doing to rae recently: compulsively lying about her to make herself look better to people we don’t know in servers we ain’t in... plus we’re also mentioned in there several times for god fucking knows why so...

but to what natalie did to me, well... it’s been months actually, i think it happened all the way back in july ??? so yeah, that’s how long i’ve kept quiet about this bc at the time i thought we were friends but this bitch is as fake as it can get. :)

back in july 2020, i joined the womens server created by fleur and i was actually talking to her and the people there. i genuinely liked them and was really happy that i could talk to them too along with my other friends, but then the womens server got mentioned in our friend group and suddenly everyone wanted to join. rae and i have already been in there, but rae was barely talking. bru and zoe joined and dipped the instant they saw the chat, so that’s that. and the only person who stayed was natalie :) fleur kept saying how the womens server is supposed to be a positive and safe place for everyone in the chat, so i warned her that natalie can be a demon, in a joking/not joking way bc our friend group is known to be cunts to each other and it also projects to other ppl who don’t always take it the best way but anyway...

so i warned fleur about natalie possibly acting like a cunt bc that’s just what she did at the time bc it was all fun and jokes... but then fleur actually brought it up to natalie in private messages that natalie herself shared with us, and what she did afterward was make a bunch of REALISTIC manips that said I (ME) was bullying natalie into being a cunt and a demon, a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD (i was still 17 at the time) bullying a grown ass TWENTY-FOUR YEAR OLD woman into being a cunt to a bunch of strangers :)

yeah, sure.

but that happened and natalie was joking and laughing about it. until i had a BREAKDOWN and an ANXIETY ATTACK because of it. she literally “joked” by compulsively LYING to fleur about me a SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD bullying her into being a cunt. do y’all hear this?

anyways yeah... i had a breakdown. i was shaking, i was crying and i couldn’t calm down. until RAE offered to go on call with me to help me calm down. and it actually helped. but the funny thing about that is... as i was on call WITH RAE, natalie literally messaged rae that i’m and i quote “a little bitch” for having a breakdown over her compulsive lying, trying to make me into a bad person to people that i was befriending at the time. obviously i was fucking UPSET.

and you know what? i never even got an apology. because natalie genuinely didn’t think she did something wrong, even though she caused me a fucking breakdown. to this day, natalie still doesn’t think she did something wrong because by now, she doesn’t even remember it. but you know who does? ME. BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING TRAUMATISED. NATALIE IS LITERALLY THE REASON I DECIDED TO GO TO THERAPY. and i wish i was lying about that.

so say what you fucking will, think what you fucking want about rae. but whatever natalie says... it’s all fucking lies that are written purely from her point of view, and often wrong (which she also admitted btw but still acts as if she’s the victim and WE’RE attacking her).and yeah... rae is a demon, but she actually helped me through a breakdown that natalie caused whilst natalie called me a little bitch for it, so natalie has NO FUCKING RIGHT to act like a saint in comparison to rae. because she made a MINOR cry and didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. :)

i’m just done. and sick. and fucking tired. this bitch doesn’t deserve anything. not even a fucking apology from anyone because she’s just as bad as anyone she decides to shit talk in her dozens of servers that we’re not in.

(note: been sent more receipts of shit natalie said about me back in july that i didn’t even know about for this post. innit fun?)

and to y’all believing natalie’s lies

the chat is full of bullshit that natalie said and lemme tell you she likes to make the victim out of herself because she’s such a fucking saint isn’t she? well, fuck all of you who side with this bitch. honestly i could write a whole fucking essay about the shit natalie said about rae but then again that doesn’t concern me because it’s not about me of course... but even as a person outside of all this drama who has an objective point of view on everything that happened, i promise you... natalie is NOT the angel she makes herself to be.

#im just sick okay #every single atom in my fucking body hates this bitch #and anyone who believes her fucking lies is fucked in the head #i don't even care

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inkdemonapologist · 4 years

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Okay but I do actually want to know both the things you love and the things you could rant about from DCTL?

OH BOY UHHHHHH okay lets see, I'm gonna see if I can do the "add a readmore after you post it" thing and see if that'll keep it stable.......

But also, much like Sammy, I am incapable of shutting up unless you strike me in the head with a blunt object, so uh, forgive my wordiness:

THINGS I ENJOY:

- DCTL gave us Sammy's ink addiction and like, if you had asked me before all this "what would you most like to see in a franchise?" I would not have answered "one of the characters drinks ink accidentally and then discovers that he can't stop" but boy that sure is my favourite concept that I LOVE to see handled literally any other way than how the book handled it!!!

- I like what it added to Tom and Allison and Norman!! Like, it's not big twists on their characters or anything -- we already knew Tom felt he was doing the wrong thing, so getting to see his CRUSHING GUILT over creating the machine isn't New Information, but it's nice to see and understand more of him; for all of them I feel a lot more attached to them after getting to see more of them as people.

- Like 90% of the "I LOVE IT" category for me is how the book handled Joey, and Buddy's relationship with Joey. The way Joey isn't a Sinister Mastermind Who’s Just Screwing With Everyone but just manipulative in a more mundane way -- someone who thinks of himself as just the guy with the vision to call the shots; he wants what he wants and this is how he's learned to get it; he exploits people not through devious schemes, but just by offering them something that they want or need and asking too much in return, expecting their loyalty for his favours. And the way he interacts with Buddy, making Buddy complicit with him and keeping Buddy off-balance and insecure while making him a favourite and treating him as Special is just PERFECT -- gives a lot of content to kind of extrapolate off of when pondering what must've drawn the others in and convinced them to ignore the red flags. I was initially frustrated with the idea of Buddy not being an artist and jUST DECIDING TO LEARN TO ANIMATE ON THE SPOT ("I've never done this before but I'm sure I can just do an artist's job" is a weirdly common throwaway thing in media and as an artist iTS A PET PEEVE) but actually the way they use his plagiarism to make him trapped in a lie in ways Joey doesn't even realise ends up being a neat echo of other employees (coughTOMcough), who were involved in much graver sins but suddenly felt they couldn't object or they'd lose their one chance, just like Buddy. There's a lot here that I think is really great.

OKAY THATS THE GOOD STUFF, LET'S COMPLAIN ABOUT SAMMY:

- Uncomfortable Bigotry Vagueness that we all knew was gonna be in this list -- I dunno man, a guy committing a microaggression and getting startled and defensive when he's called out for it doesn't necessarily completely ruin his character I GUESS, but the way this was handled is just SO WEIRD AND VAGUE that it's uncomfortable and it doesn't seem to serve any real purpose. "Is Tom black?" is a question I actually have to ask because the text sort of implies he is while also dancing around it and apparently Word of God said he's not??? which makes Buddy's comment nonsensical???? And I mean, you could go that route, since Buddy wonders to himself if Sammy talks to everyone like this -- HE ACTUALLY DOES!! Even within the text of the novel, he uses "Joey" instead of Mr. Drew, which is consistent with his audiologs in the game -- but that makes the writing suggest "this character THINKS this guy might be racist but actually they're reading too much into it and it wasn't racially motivated at all, he's just a jerk!!" wHICH IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE ICKY??? Anyway like yeah I guess it's not inconsistent with his character that while Sammy Lawrence may not have any specific grudge against minorities he has probably not checked his privilege or done the work to challenge his own internal biases, but “Your Fav Probably Contributes To Systemic Racism In Ways He Hasn’t Considered, As Do We All When Our Assumptions Go Unchecked” is still a wild thing to wade through in a fun story about demonic cartoons

- but yknow so is T H E H O L O C A U S T

- Sammy's voice is wrong. I'm actually okay with him being a weird awkward asshole, I already kind of assumed he was and that's part of why I like him!! but there's so many places he doesn't quite... talk like himself? And not just in terms of word choice, like -- so in his monologue at the end, he's described as talking so quickly that his words are "tumbling out faster than he can speak them," which initially seems fine; like yeah, that's a Standard Scene we're familiar with, the person who's been Driven Mad With Insight becoming more and more manic as they try to convey it -- until I tried to imagine it and realised that Sammy doesn't talk like this. That's a really consistent quality I always notice about his voice; whether he's almost giddily excited in prophet mode, or he’s his irritated and overworked human self, or he's violently angry and his voice has that echo effect -- he always speaks very deliberately. He enunciates carefully. There's some circumstances where I'd buy this as showing that he's Not Himself, but I feel like those would kind of need to be in the middle of his transformation, not at the end of it.

- In fact a lot of the scenes with Sammy kind of have this feeling -- that it's not necessarily an exploration of Sammy as a character, but that he is filling a trope or archetype role here. Once he's fully transformed he excitedly describes the process as more of a mental compulsion, which is in contrast to his weird yeerk-infected behaviour when trying to get ink from Miss Lambert. Both of those scenes don't seem wrong on their own because they fit tropes we know -- but they feel weird when you try to fit them together.

- I also just in general am not a fan of the ink acting like a weird yeerk. It can be a parasite I guess but when it starts overwriting and puppeting people and crawling around to enter their body that's just a completely DIFFERENT kind of supernatural story and it’s not what im here for!!!

- THE FREAKIN!!! HE WILL SET US FREE!!!! WHY????????? SAMUEL LAWRENCE WHAT IS HE SETTING YOU FREE FROM??????? Sammy has No Motive for any of what he's doing, other than just Ink Made Me Do It. The whole thing that was INTERESTING about Sammy as a character is the contrast between this frustrated, ornery musician with no specific love for the cartoons he works on, and the manically devoted cultist he becomes. What happened in the middle there? What made him desperate enough to shift his mindset so much? "Something supernatural made him do things that don't benefit him in any way" is a very boring answer to this question!!! Susie was a victim who implies that her transformation has forced her to do things she didn't want to do, but we can still see her motive -- she wanted to be Alice, so she took a sketchy offer to try to get what she wanted. Even now, her violence echoes that goal -- to be a more perfect Alice. What did Sammy want? WHO KNOWS. Even in his ink-addled state at the end, we don't understand what he hopes the Ink Demon will even do for him, and in fact he seems to be responsible for creating the very scenario he's begging Bendy to reverse in the game.

- [sighs loudly into my hands]

- Overall I'm left wondering if the author just..... didn't like Sammy Lawrence? And I don't mean that in the sense of him being a rude jerk -- like, Joey is not a good person, but the author seems to be interested in him and in what makes him tick. There doesn't seem to be that same interest in Sammy. Sammy's role in the story is that of a monster, transformed into something murderous, unable to prevent or choose it. He's not a victim of anyone but the ink, no one had to manipulate him or figure out how his brain worked or what he wanted or what he feared or give him any reason to do the things he does -- ink got in his mouth and overwrote his personality. And we don't even get to see that change, not really. He starts out angry and defensive and continues being angry and defensive up until his very last scene, denying his ink-stealing but not really much else. We see all his prophetic sketches but we never see hints of this in him, we never see him start to act more excited and hopeful, we never see him seek out the demon he desires to please. Why do we never see Sammy struggling between his dismissive angry front and a building religious fervour he can't quite suppress? We don't get to see any of the in-between. There's no interest at all in why or even what it looked like as Sammy became what he became, when, to be honest, I suspect interest in precisely that is one reason he's such a big fav.

- It's funny, in a "cries into my hands" kind of way, when Sammy is just knocked in the head while monologuing and immediately removed from the story without further mention, like...... that sure is the pattern with him, isn't it, he just tries very very hard and never actually gets to matter, but it also fits right in here, too, in this book that doesn't want to think about his motives -- he rambles nonsensically, explaining nothing, gets one trademark phrase, and then is hastily removed so the story doesn't have to think about him anymore.

...................I think that's most of it.

...

Y'all............ I'm not ready for Sent From Above.......... I'm just not.... I'm not emotionally ready...... like..... Sammy has to be in that right..... he’s Susie’s boss and she has that big crush on him..................................... I’m not ready

#i know you have questions you always do #we all write on the walls #hopefully I have not gotten completely confused on any of these points but LMAO ITS POSSIBLE

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imissyoulilgucciv · 6 years

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So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here.

Today,

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways.

my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though.

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you

and he realizes he can’t live with me

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing.

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable.

So now to complete my overwhelming day,

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf.

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you,

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists.

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today.

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help..

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up

then he looses his shit with his mom

then he’s gone

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real.

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kremlin · 3 years

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here's an oldie (probably 2/5 stars imo)

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i've never worked a night shift before. it's been about three weeks and i am only starting to get in the swing of things being wide awake and ready to wind down with a beer at 7:30 AM on a tuesday is a strange place to suddenly be. living in a suddenly frozen desert swamp sort of adds to that uncanni-ness. it has frozen in texas and my pipes are cracked and broken there is almost no part of this shanty house that isn't elligible to join the AARP. it's one of the last ranch style ramblers left in montrose, all of the others have been replaced by bizzare brutalist white cube apartments which i assume house pod people our ballbusting 900 year old landlady (slum lord) sent out the handyman steve. steve is not a plumber which is a point expressly made to me, by steven, several times we were not forewarned of this & steve's arrival came unexpectedly 8:00 AM thursday morning is now my time to furiously discuss drugs, on drugs, with internet strangers soon to be nebulous internet acquaintances, then friends, then perhaps even those friends from the internet you've known for a decade suddenly from my desk, if the door is open, i catch about a half-degree of the window facing the backdoor. a full degree if i lean back. i lean back as to kind of avoid the bizzare reality that the other players of the space game seem to deal with the same problems i do at an alarming frequency. i lean back There;s a fucking guy back there angry at the fact that i have to now deal with this, i find our friend steve in the back yard, sauntering around, muttering to himself in a way that's between mumbling but below speaking "surely that man has a blue tooth head set" but i was already smiling wide knowing he didn't. if you're going to appear in my backyard unannounced, milling around babbling to yourself is the way to do it steve doesn't really speak english. you'll read that and think he's like any other non english speaker but that is not the case with steve. steve will get out about four or five sentences in perfectly spoken english before switching to (hindi?) for a bit. you'd think that if 80% of his communication was clear, that'd be enough for mutual understanding, but steve is all over the place steve was furiously pacing around the broken pipe when i got to the back door. that is a fact i'm only coming to realize is important now, writing this, because the person standing near a broken pipe with a wrench is a plumber, someone who is allowed in my back yard in this circumstance HEY YO i tried to whistle but made a stupid faring noise with my mouth he swings around at the perfect moment to make my sudden departure all the more awkward as i realized how waistbanding a pistol in sweat pants was extremely not working. remember where we are by the time im out of my room steve has his head poked through the back door YOU COULD NOT WITH YOUR FINGER POINT A WORSE PLACE FOR PIPE BREAK and boy howdy he was right. if you're going to break a pipe, don't make it the one between your meter and a valve, and especially don't make it one on the ground next to the garage you keep all your weirdo electronics and "vintage computers" you "collect" i sort of like plumbing. i've done some plumbing. there's an illegal stipulation in our lease that lets the landlord, you know, just not maintain the place. with my engineering background i am of course compelled to think i am somehow qualified to solve these problems. i'd like to use the expression "dive into with full force" to describe my approach but combine that with the imagery of a blind person gracefully swan diving into an empty concrete swimming pool but this is not about me, i am not particularly interesting. -- steve. steve is sort of interesting. his murmuring grew to a breathless combination of words which i thankfully mostly understood (individually, not collectively). steve was upset with the pipe situation to be described later in this document's best paragraph. he was upset at the last person to work on the pipes here because they fucked up. he was amused by how preposterously

inconvenient the broken pipe lay. this amusement was not anger what followed next was clearly anger. perplexed, astounded anger ice on the ground is something you see once every 4 years in (excellent) swamp i live in. it's a pretty reasonable assumption that a broken pipe after a freeze/melt cycle is due to the freeze/melt cycle this was not the case the pipe had ruptured due to a sequence of truly insane and utterly nonsensical choices made by the previous plumber who almost certainly kicked the bucket in the reagan years as suggested by the lead solder used to seal joints and lead paint used to, well, just hold on the pipe burst because a large metal rod was inserted *through* it. the details on exactly what went down are a little fuzzy as my simian mind was preoccupied with thoughts about some weird software that started as a fluid dynamics simulator and is now a physics simulator and an insane person simulator. i would digress and expound on this but my thoughts aren't yet settled on the space game the rod went through the pipe and into the ground, on the other end were rusty wires. it is a grounding rod, you know, for electricity. i unfortunately know a litle bit about this. you can ground a circuit through a cold water tap, like when you're lining the fence with copper wire to create a makeshift shortwave antenna with your weird kind of racist dad. water is conductive. more commonly the rod goes into the ground, which is also usually conductive so, this grounding rod, sitting between a 3 foot gap between the back of the garage and fence, an overgrown mess of decades of detritus and weeds that had grown into vines that had grown into weird anemic trees. this grounding rod was painted. it didn't come painted. it was painted. it was painted the same color as the garage. paint is not conductive. the circuitry in my house was not grounded. thankfully there is no ground pin on the outlets in this ancient home besides the one i strangely installed one day. the amp plugged into it now gives a hum where it didn't before. the ground was subsequently disconnected to eliminate the ground loop as we are in our early 20s and cannot die, especially not in an electrical fire it's sort of nice to know that even back in the 1940s people screwed up as royally and maximally as possible, employing such a degree of backwards demented logic as you'd expect from a home owner's association bylaws handbook or normal computer software anyways, steve, ohoho. oh boy. steve did not fuck with this at all. steve, the man who is self purportedly not a plumber, immediately took to the valve between the city's water main and our house with the wrong implement. an implement used to unwrench joints around a u-bend underneath a sink. it worked perfectly `I just use this for many valve. It works mostly. No need for heavy T` (steve's parlance doesn't transcribe to text very well) steve continued, `Too many tools is too bad. I use this one for tiling and for drywall and for ducks` (ducts?) he spoke while gesturing listlessly at nothing in particular. it became clear that steve's limited, nebulous tool set was carefully chosen. when you are the un-fuck-it man for an ice queen landlord you sort of have to be a plumber and an electrician and a roofer and sometimes a debt collector. the arcane set of tools used to approximate all of these trades made a bit more sense the lack of a monkey wrench did not make sense. none of steve's esoteric implements could wrench like we needed them too. i offered to purchase one from the nearby hardware store which was a great excuse for me to go to the nearby hardware store and purchase a monkey wrench, *my* monkey wrench. steve objected but i was deadset. i was buying a wrench today. the newly purchased wrench calmed two agitated souls: one was drowning in thoughts about drugs and space and coincidence. the other was angry he couldn't wrench down a pipe joint a few hours passed. several trips were made to the hardware store by my roommates and the new tennant in the garage apartment, less than $20 was

spent. i sort of farted around not helping while getting jawed at by steve who had permenently changed the subject to grand life philosophies. i'm about the last person that'll tolerate some windbag wasting my time, but between the fun of trying to decipher what the fuck steve was saying and what language (or nonsense utterances) he'd conclude thoughts with, i realized that his sensical words actually, uhh, rang true steve believes in doing a good job. read that last sentence without the disinterested, vaguely-trying-to-be-funny style this document has maintained so far this hit me on a deeper level than i was expecting i'm young and do not really understand the world very well. i'm not so young that i'm blind to the depths of what there is to understand about this world, i'm allegedly content with the resignation that for the time being i'm sort of a dumbass and will continue to be a dumbass in the future, although less so hopefully i'm going to tell you that i believe in "doing a good job", "doing things properly", "taking your time to properly solve a problem", or "solving a problem for the sake of solving a problem and nothing else". i am going to tell you that these are some of strongest and earnestly compulsions i feel. i'm not lying when i write this but i wasn't lying when admitted to how little i understand anything at all, so maybe weigh those two facts against each other nearing 200 lines, i realize i have spent the hours meant for sleeping writing a truly innappropriately verbose wall of text all because of how stoked i was that an angry muttering tom bombadil character spent an extra 45 minutes to fix a pipe properly the new pipe was measured and cut, threaded. steve's measuring tape is interspliced with further, smaller graduations he hand-scratched into a long measuring tape. the previous graduations on the tape presented steve with an unsuitably low resolution of 1/8th of an inch i'd guess this was a 12 foot measuring tape. i never saw the end of the graduations, i don't doubt for a second they extend the entire length of the tape. do you know how many notches you'd have to painstakingly scratch on to a 12 ft measuring tape to change it from 1/8" -> 1/16". well, don't: 1152 steve might be a little nuts but holy shit a master plumber could not have done a better job. the dude fuckin laid on his back, in the small pond of pipeleak water, so as to see up a length of fixed pipe so he could better lay teflon tape on the *inside threaded surface of the pipe joint*. i challenge you to try and imagine what such a manuever would be like, considering the damp slimy pipe surface, the fucking hell that is teflon tape (fuck teflon tape) all while laying in a pool of possum water at the impossibly cold temperature of 45 F my pipes don't leak anymore. there is no longer a bizzaro steel rod puncturing the most critical pipe on this property. i own a monkey wrench when i did not this morning. i am thinking less anxiously about the space game, still. me and steve sat around smoking cigarettes and communicating with each other through a method i can't describe but wasn't reliant on words. we talked about the virtues of work ethic and then we talked about those that have broken our hearts. the conversation, as well as this text, ended with a solemn mutual acknowlegement of how terrifying electricity is and how terrified of electricity we are

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lizparkcr · 6 years

Text

I know it’s not the end of the year yet but im just reflecting and like, I’ve talked abt All The Shit in snippets before but I just wanna. lay it all out. so lotsss of text rambling ahead

this year has gone so quickly but things have changed so much -- in January, and honestly for a good half of the year, I believed genuinely I would never ever be able to live a regular and functioning life, and I didn’t know how I was going to cope with having to live the rest of my life. I didn’t feel like I was living in the real world and I didn’t know how to get there bc I was preoccupied w mental health and trauma related shit every single day, I felt completely trapped within myself and had my only emotional support taken away from me so had no idea how to deal with it. Leaving uni was almost unbearable and despite being ok now I still don’t like thinking about it. Having to leave my counsellor, having just come off antidepressants, leaving uni and moving back home whilst being in a bad place w my family, being isolated from my friends... like it was easily one of the worst times of my life. And the pain of knowing everything about my uni life was perfect apart from the fact that I couldn’t cope with any sort of life was really hard to take. The only comfort was knowing that leaving was truly inevitable, but it didn’t really make the situation any easier. I still miss that time and the life I could have had, but most of the time when I’m happy, I can recognise that I had to leave in order to get better, and it doesn’t feel so bad to be where I am now.

bc around May of this year after I finished hypnotherapy and GP counselling and everything sort of cleared up in my head, I suddenly had so much space to think it was like I no longer had to be so close to everything that was bad -- if before I was stuck in a house I didn’t know how to get out of it was like being able to walk outside and breathe again. I could walk away from my pain and bad memories and visit when I wanted to instead of being constantly surrounded by it, which after like 4 years of that shit feels pretty incredible even now. Like I’m literally living a life right now that I thought wasn’t possible for me? Its funny I was thinking about it the other day how I’m p much living the life that all my friends had when they were 17 (minus school) -- learning to drive, having a part time job and not doing much else -- and i guess it makes sense seeing as that’s where I got stuck inside. I’m re-entering the world as a different person, and I need to work on being more open to everyone and everything but there’s time, and I’m taking it slowly.

Also Really Cool Things about 2017:

I started learning to drive this year

I got a job this year (a physically demanding one at that)

I’m getting better at social stuff and working on not isolating myself

Fewer daydreaming episodes/ less compulsion to escape/avoid (this one is harder and not perfect but. it’s got better)

I feel genuine! excitement! at most life prospects and hobbies and things I want to study and create

my anxiety and depression have largely been reduced to a few symptoms which I can manage ok most of the time

the thought that I’m not a capable person is seeming less and less likely because like. I can do shit. I have many years to do shit.

My sense of self and identity is getting stronger and more positive I think too. I no longer feel like just an outline of a person that ppl are just walking past

Things will never be perfect (bc perfection doesn’t exist and that’s fine!), there’s still hangover from all the bad shit and I still have a lot of growing and learning to do but like, I’m capable! I can do it! Love to learn I do!

on that note -- and I don’t really want to make a laundry list of Things I Need To Work On bc rlly I believe in doing things at my own pace and not overthinking or pressuring myself but -- Things I want to do/ think about doing in 2018:

get another job (and therefore more routine which everything else sort of slots in to)

meditate and/or do yoga in small increments!

learn more abt ethical clothing and local farmers markets

keep my room tidier

keep myself more occupied and therefore daydream less

think about applying to college for next autumn

accept the ways that I have changed

be a little braver in social situations and accept that it might feel too exposing; tell people how I feel, show people how I feel

and that’s that :’)

#my sad life #positivity stuff #long post and text heavy

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