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winterywitch · 7 years

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I just want to say that I really admire the depth you put into your OC's and your confidence in talking about them! I'd like to learn more about them, but I'm on mobile and it isn't letting me search the tags, so... are there any W@tchtower Grotto characters you haven't talked much about that you'd want to talk about?

oh!! ;-; gee thank you.......................

uhhhhhhh gee idk why but it feels like i dont have an actual comprehensive post on who/what nana actually is bc most of my friends know him very well already? so here’s that

hes like... early 30s?? in terms of appearance/maturity, hes the godking of the country in midnight

nana is uh... certainly a rebel at his core thats one way to put it, a lot of core things about him for better or for worse challenge the status quo. he thinks this is a good thing 100% of the time, like he’s some kind of radical rebelling against an oppressive norm on every single norm he challenges. (its not)

he is RIDICULOUSLY people-smart, hes likely an empath and could easily be called a genius when it comes to reading people and understanding how people tend to work.

if he were a dnd character he’d be a sorceror, he casts from charisma not intelligence [though he is certainly NOT lacking in that department]

hes definitely considered the leader of his little commune of kings [involving desiderius, hachi and kyuun], those three tend to defer to him and seek him out for advice [well. they mostly Used to now its just hachi that does that last part]

he sees himself as a teacher and guide to people, which isnt inaccurate necessarily!

hes very good to his people, his country as a whole is doing pretty well financially, there’s a vibe there of everyone taking care of one another! not to mention the fact that its lovely visually

he’s right about most things and he’s comfortably aware of the fact that he’s right about most things. but hes open to being corrected! he cant possibly be right about everything ALL the time!! he just has to consider you an authority on what youre talking about, which is something he very rarely considers other people to be, or he might just ignore your correction. but sometimes he wont, which makes you feel kinda silly for pointing out his tendency for hypocrisy! how confusing. it’s hard to keep up with this one.

he, like all of his colleagues minus desiderius, thinks he is the only Good King while all the others are complete messes who dont know what theyre doing or are just flat out bad people. but like, yknow, its a fucked up dysfunctional family! that’s totally normal, right??1/11

something about him just makes you think “theres a guy who knows his shit,” its probably his sturdy [outward] confidence, his [appearance of] wisdom, his [very real] intelligence and his long list of supporters that make you think that about him

his hair is weird as shit! there are ‘stars’ in it that glow, not BLINDINGLY bright but i mean yknow, they do glow, and where theyre embedded in his hair theres increased physical sensitivity. pulling on this guy’s hair fucking HURTS, even petting it can be uncomfortable if youre not really really careful. not to mention a fucking haircut, good lord (haha)

his parents were kind of like... very emotionally shallow, they were the sorts of people to be like Oh I’m Fine ^_^ at everything, and in subtle and hard-to-detect ways, they would punish nana for showing emotion of any kind (for example, laughing at him when he would cry at sad things as a child). because of this, he is now very open about his emotions and embraces them as something he should listen to and follow rather than only relying on cold logic as his parents tried to have him do. (its a lot more sinister in practice than it sounds, because yeah most of the time it is innocent like this but at the same time, he takes his own feelings VERY seriously and if you hurt them, even if it’s just by having boundaries, he will identify you as someone mistreating him or even abusing him depending on how close you are]

[heres where we get into The Shit, big tw for abuse, csa/pedophilia and “marital” sexual abuse/assault]

his closest friend and advisor arya kurosawa has been his best friend since they were both teenagers. they met when arya was 14 and nana was 17 [in terms of appearance/maturity are what those ages refer to, they were both immortal] and they got along very well.

of course by very well i mean on top of getting along very well, nana has ALWAYS had an inherent, base-level disrespect for arya’s boundaries. it’s been there since they were teens, and it mostly manifested in nana pressuring arya to do [mostly innocent - but the pressure and coercion made them not so innocent] things he was scared to do.

they were inseparable pretty much ever since they met and VERY, very in love with each other

they definitely were a romantic item by the time nana inherited the throne from his mother, and the age gap was definitely concerning but it only grew more concerning as nana’s mental/appearance age rose because he was growing up emotionally and psychologically and arya’s... stagnated.

when nana was in his early 30s so to speak, arya was stuck at 14-15 or so. and like... they didnt really see anything weird about that, they figured “well we both met when we were kids so its not like nana is a pedophile or anything, why question something so good?”

to someone who didnt know better wrt age gaps in romantic relationships and pedophilia, the relationship between those two would have looked completely normal and healthy. there was certainly an appearance of mutual respect, support, love and commitment

nana could only treat a 14-15 year old so much like his equal. to be totally honest, even since they were teenagers, nana treated arya like his inferior, like a student that needed to be taught, and that dynamic only grew/got worse as nana aged mentally.

but at the same time arya also taught nana so many things! see? nana wasn’t some condescending prick! obviously everything is fine. there were a lot of ways sometimes in which ARYA was the adult and nana was the child ^_^ so it’s equal, right?

arya certainly didnt know any better, nana was the love of his life and that was all there was to it. he knew [because of nana] that any discrimination they might face due to their ages in this relationship was simply unfounded, cruel bigotry from a species of essentially cavemen who were afraid of fire. he knew he was progressive for his time, in a couple decades probably everyone else would come to their senses too!

long story short, one day arya very quickly, almost violently realized EXACTLY everything that was wrong. nana’s condescending behavior had come to a head and someone arya considered a playful rival had forced him, very painfully, to face the truth of what this relationship was: abuse from a man who should know better, taking advantage of a boy who didnt.

arya couldnt exactly love nana after realizing this. and it really fucking sucked. he really wanted to go back to the way things used to be, he wanted to “undiscover” what he’d discovered, but there was no way back and he felt so broken and dirty and ungrateful and bratty and selfish for suddenly feeling this way.

nana on the other hand noticed arya very suddenly averse to being touched or held or even looked at. for a while, he was very understanding about this - what that playful rival did was essentially cast a spell and at first he thought arya was just sick or physically not well or something, and that he’d get better soon.

he didn’t.

nana didn’t know what to do. suddenly arya was neglecting him, acting like he was terrified of nana. he’d never been like this before, what happened? it’s incredibly painful and confusing, losing the love of your life like that; one day you’re everything to them, and the next they’re flinching every time you raise your hand around them. nana had never hit him or abused him verbally... in fact, it was nana who HELPED ARYA gain the strength and courage he needed to become independent from his emotionally abusive parents. so why was nana suddenly the bad guy? he had no idea what happened, why, how to fix it, or anything like that.

eventually he snapped, unable to take being deprived of love and attention like this, so he just took whatever he wanted, physically, not caring what arya thought of it.

he knew it was wrong. he knew he’d definitely crossed the line into objectively unforgivable actions. but he was almost too afraid to stop and relinquish this power over arya, because then he had to A.) lose arya, and B.) be held accountable for his actions. both two very terrifying things he saw no personal gain in.

that went on for a long time, until nana sort of... slowly realized he was feeling weaker and weaker, more prone to physical weariness dizziness, severe headaches and nausea, and he didn’t put 2 and 2 together until it was too late.

arya had figured out how to start poisoning him and getting away with it.

by that point, nana realized not just what was happening and why, but also that he unquestionably, factually deserved this pain and much, much more. that realization was too much for him, it sort of broke him psychologically for a very long time, leaving him completely helpless to whatever revenge arya decided to take on him

[it was all physical and psychological torture, but arya was certain NEVER to stoop to his level and sexually abuse nana. he couldnt even think of sleeping with nana “consensually” anyway, it made him horribly sick to even consider]

eventually after a long-ass time of this, arya just got sick of looking at nana and couldn’t even be around him anymore without feeling absolutely god-awful, so he just abandoned nana, leaving him to fester in his broken body and mind

and y’know, stuff happens after that, but thats all there really is to the most prominent phase of nana’s development in THIS story. i also play him in his phase of development after that last bullet point [roughly 200 years later], where he’s fucked up in all kinds of ways and totally deserving it, but also trying to... not really redeem himself or anything like that, he knows that’s not really a thing, but rather to make himself useful to good people who want to do the right thing, in a dnd campaign

nana goes through a SHIT TON of changes, to the point that each phase of his development has his own individual profile on toyhou.se, he’s become a Big Trauma Coping Character for me and somewhat an experiment in redemption arcs, seeing what exactly should happen and how to make “redemption” arcs seem not cheap or forced

here’s the one i talked about in this post though

http://toyhou.se/335049.nana-of-the-stars

#kara's charas #w@tchtower grotto #mind the warnings!#misstooni

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lilidhshoneynutfeelios · 5 years

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this weeks freeform personal post lol

so im kinda getting estranged by my mother tbh like i was quite explicitly told that im making a “lifestyle choice i dont agree with” and that she “cant recognise me” (like, my face is a different shape but what she means is that im not like, rolling over and taking her abuse anymore) and i cant be like taking hormones and using a different name and expecting to be like, part of the family yknow. and like, her partner will just follow suit and ive already estranged my older sister lmao and like, highkey im not confident i’ll get into 3rd year and like, yknow. on a triangle of ‘disowned’ ‘trans’ and ‘drop out’ im pretty sure i can only handle two and like, v v highkey i want to just like, kill myself and avoid the whole thing and like, i’m v aware that, other than this one medically induced manic episode in march/april, ive had passive suicidal ideation for like, almost my entire life and ive never done anything about it. idk im v greatful for the valid people in my life rn, im v happy that ive got like, decent people i know irl and online that just kinda, make it seem like a temporary problem? and recently ive had a lot of experiences where ive been able to like, be good for someones life, esp w like, i run the trans forum at uni right, and we’ve had a couple moments where like, people’ve got to see like, other trans people in groups, and just be like ‘huh, we’re not freaks and perverts huh’ and its been good for them and i kinda just wanna keep living for those moments and all these rly cool moments i get to have w my friends and like, ive got a lot of good books im excited about rn, and ive got some money in the bank i dont want them to get, idk. ik a lot of people in my life get really tetchy when i talk about like, suicide after like, i actually tried, and thats fair but like, for the last idk more than 10 years its just been passive and ideative and thats sad but its also like, mostly benign and i dont want people to worry about me. i kinda think im too late to get a summer internship now i had two interviews and i failed one and i dont want to work in a care home all summer and i kinda want to piss off to glasgow and stay w finn and thats not an easy option but i think it’d be good for me like idk what work i could do in glasgow but i could do some shitty job right,i dont have to do internships now i guess, idk im really tetchy about experience and esp trying to get experience where a change of name isnt an issue. yknow, like job hunting is demeaning enough without revealing a priori youre tranny, idk like, i have a zero hours job in aberdeen but i wanna move out like, asap, like i cannot be here, its just v scary to be in an environment where youre like, actively hated. idk like she didnt harbour any particular hatred to trans people before this like she knew a trans person from my school and used his name and pronouns but idk, maybe i shouldve seen it coming after how tedious she was about me being a faggot like, idk she got over that after a couple months but she just, doesnt want to budge on this, like she sees me using my name and taking hormones and having trans friends as like, an actual insult to her raising me. shes just like I Picked Your Name, I Raised You A Boy, Therein You Will Be And Anything Else Is An Insult To Me As A MoThEr yknow like, god, its not a big deal yknow, you get 2 daughters or you get 3 idc what you do with that fact. and sure, i consider it entirely her problem that she hates trannies but like, being trans AND disowned AND a dropout is just like, too much for me i think like, theres no shame in that life to me but like, theres also no dignity. like theres no dignity anywhere but idk if i can do it yknow. also like, and i hate to like bring up sex work when talking about trans hardship bc it feels like a boogyman trans girls bring up to scare eachother but, idk if i can go back to that? i hate waiting outside and i need poppers for like, anal w people i dont trust (and sometimes w people i do) and like, theyre a v safe drug but too much can put pressure on the eye and im blind enough as it is. i had enough poppers one time that i went colourblind for a moment. that was fun. i was kinda drunk too. in the summer i kinda wanna deal with presentation like learning-to-pass as a skill but like, idk im not butch right but im also like a real person who goes outside lmao. like i cycle in the rain and garden and eat with my hands and im not going to be domesticated at any point tbqh. like im not sure i’ll ever pass in like, the next so many years without like, FFS and laser or smthn, but like, idk ik two things right (1) that im a bit of a feral tomboy and im comfortable in like, trews and shirts, getting dirty and building things so long as im not like, percieved as a man and (2) that i was traumatised for like, almost the entirety of my life for doing anything feminine right. like i got beat up in the engineering club at school a lot bc i wasnt like, masc enough to be in that space lol, or even if i didnt get beat up like, there was like, idk what you’d call it like preformative beating up? like unwarrented roughhousing? like pretending to kick someone but Just For The Banter Obviously, We Weren’t Trying To Intimidate The Faggot At All Sir. yknow. and like, obvi like the usual words and jokes we usually use to talk about fem men or men who arent masc enough or whatever. and like, trying to separate (1) from (2) yknow. like thats a task and a half. and like, esp recently where im like, not feeling like a pervert and an intruder 100% of the time w like, lesbian spaces. like obvi ik im not welcome by most there right, but like, idk ik a few lesbians who are like, idk at least on surface dont seem to consider me an outsider and i kinda, get to talk about the fact i like women without like, being seen as a man and a pervert and a rapist for it yknow. and thats been like, a bit of a moment for me. bc like, idk i like women and i kinda havent been thinking about that for a long time bc i dont want to be seen as a man and like, ik ive always liked women, i just like, didnt think that i could like, engage with other women who might like me, without like, having to Perform Man and all that implies and, idk yknow, its not like im having a sexual awakening or ive discovered a two way strap on lovehoney im just like, idk, not not-welcome sometimes for the first time in forever and that kinda means rethinking a few things about where i position myself etc. and thats largely fun now that im like, idk, i have more language-tools to do it than the last few times ive had to consider who-i-love-and-how yknow. and like, idk ive mostly been playing the same fiddle as i always have with like, having this gayboi dress sense and slang and idk, maybe it’d be fun to get a bit of a more lesbian of a haircut or smthn, but like, id have to do it in one of the gay barbers in glasgow bc i dont trust any barbers in aberdeen to not cut my hair Like A Man yknow also i havent been to my usual hairdressers in months bc im growing out the sides and idk what theyd say like i need my split ends done but i dont want them to go in and speak about my hair and my bikes and my ex lmao i used to go get haircuts w my ex and also i have v bad hair and ive recently decided im ok with it being curly so im just like, idk learning what to do with that tbh idk yeah, once whoevers in the kitchen leaves im gonna make a cheese toasty bc thats what ive been craving all day

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