#okay doing htis cause im desperate

[vicioushyperbolizer]

Im love that last nurseydex fic w ace Dex and was wondering if maybe i could prompt smth where they talk about Dex's intrusive thoughts and he maybe gets help for them (if he has anxiety or anything say) and Nursey being supportive and Dex tryna thank him by being romantic? No pressure to write though!

Okay, for the record, obviously you don’t have to be sex averse to be ace. In my head, Dex isn’t. it’s a conversation he and Nursey will have at a later date. Cut for length and not content

“Jesus, Poindexter, how long are you gonna be in there? I though-”

Nursey’s voice trailed off as he pushed his way into their shared bathroom. The second Dex heard the door squeak open, he grabbed for the first thing he could reach to cover himself, which ended up being the dirty shirt he took off before his shower.

Dex knew how it looked, he fucking knew. Naked and still dripping, alone in the bathroom, flushed in embarrassment, ashamed and hiding. It looked like…

“Were you masturbating?” Nursey looked horrified, but Dex couldn’t really tell if it was because he spoke without thinking or because of the way his voice cracked in the middle.

That. It looked like fucking that.

Dex tightened his grip on the shirt in front of his junk. “No! No, i wasn’t fucking… masturbating.”

“It’s chill if you were,” Nursey hastened. “We never really talked about, y’know… that. And if you do, that’s fine. Good even! I’m not really one to talk, because I do it a lot. Regularly, even.”

Nursey was rambling. Which was just fucking weird for Dex to hear. He had never seen his boyfriend so awkward and… nervous. It made something nasty twist inside Dex. He had caused that; it was his fault.

“Nursey. Please stop talking. I wasn’t, okay.”

Dex could tell Nursey didn’t believe him. He sighed and scrubbed his free hand down his face, wiping away stray water droplets that had rolled down from his hair. He didn’t really want to talk about it, but he would do a lot of things for Nursey that he didn’t want to do. Hell, he would probably chop off his own fucking leg if Nursey asked.

“Look, you know how I’ve been going to that study group early Thursday mornings? Well, I’ve actually been… going to the counselling center, okay? And the counsellor person thought that I should do this stupid self love affirmation crap. Look in a mirror and tell myself nice shit. That’s what i was doing, okay?”

Nursey’s face flashed from confused to hurt before it finally settled on neutral. Somehow, the neutral almost hurt worse than anything else. It had been months since Nursey defaulted to that stupid fake chill bullshit with him.

“That’s cool, Will. It’s really awesome that you’re going to the counselling center.” His voice was just as blank as his face.

Dex wanted to explain that he hadn’t told Nursey because he didn’t want to get his boyfriend’s hopes up that htis was something he was going to stick to. He made the first appointment without any plans of actually going, and the same for the second, and the third. By the time it was a regualr thing, he didn’t have an explaination as to why he hid it from Nursey in the first place.

He wanted to explain that he was doing this for Nursey, that he understood his anger and emotions were getting in between them. For maybe the first time ever, Dex would rather change himself than lose someone else, and he wanted Nursey to know just how important that made him.

He desperately wanted to explain that he loved Nursey so much it scared him, and that he would do anything in his power to never be the reason that Nursey was wearing that fake chill face and that tension in his shoulders. Even embarrassing shit that made him feel stupid.

With a sigh, he reached out and grabbed Nursey’s hand. “Why don’t you stay and watch?”

Nursey thought about it for a minute, the longest goddamn minute of Dex’s life. In the end, though, he nodded and sat down on the closed toilet lid.

Dex grabbed the sheet of paper that had fluttered to the floor in the earlier chaos of trying to cover himself. He waved it a little, so that Nursey could see the chicken scratch scribbled on the front.

“Any time I have an intrusive thought or, y’know, think negative things about myself, I write it down. And then I come in here and tell myself the truth, or the opposite or whatever. Every few days, or if it gets too long.”

Nursey nodded. “And the naked thing?”

“I kept getting distracted,” he mumbled. After a second, he corrected himself. “I kept letting myself get distracted. Looking at my shirt instead of actually looking at me, y’know.”

Nursey nodded again, but didn’t say anything. Dex took it as a sign to continue, so he did. Taking a deep breath he turned back to face the mirror and placed the paper back against the sink so he could read it. He glanced back at his boyfriend once before dropping the shirt.

Dex remembered the first thing on the list. He remembered exactly where he was when he had the thought, down to the smell of the nasty perfume someone in his class was wearing and the place in his notes where he had to stop himself from getting up right then and there so that he could punch something. Or maybe cry.

“I am not ruining Nursey’s life by trapping him in a relationship he doesn’t want.”

He barely paused before the next one, because they were practically the same thought. “We are not my parents.”

For his entire childhood, he knew that was how his parents’ relationship worked. His mom didn’t want to be with his father, but felt guilty about leaving. She was trapped there but circumstance, and Dex told himself every night for years that he would never be as unnoticing or uncaring as his father was.

He wasn’t exactly sure why he got it in his head that he was doing exactly that to Nursey, but it was days before he could get it out. Because it really felt like that sometimes. Did Nursey really want to be with him, or did he just feel bad about leaving Dex, pity about his poor, fucked up asexual boyfriend. But no, Nursey loved him. He did.

“I am not defective or broken.”

That one Dex found harder to believe. Most of his sessions revolved around his asexuality, and reaffirming that it wasn’t a disorder or dysfunction. It wasn’t some phase, and it wasn’t a hindrance. It was just a part of Dex, like his red hair and his big ears. It was just another thing that Nursey fell in love with. In theory… in pracrice, it was really fucking hard to believe that.

“I deserve to have a healthy relationship even if I’m not healthy.”

That one his counselor helped him word after a particularly rough fight with Nursey. Dex tried to break up with him because it felt unfair that Nursey was stuck with such a fucking shitshow. He was pretty sure that Nursey was thinking of exactly that incident, because he took a deep breath, but didn’t say anything.

Dex paused before the next one. He glanced back at his boyfriend again. He had forgotten all about this one, written in the middle of the night after a bad nightmare. It wasn’t something he had ever brought up before, or even voiced to his counselor. Dex focused back on the mirror, looking himself in the eyes.

“I am good for more than my use. I am not a utilitarian thing. I am a unique person, I have a personality, and people like having me around for that and not the things i can provide them.”

On his bad days, on those days when he felt like he was only going through the motions, it was hard to remember that the team were friends and that they wanted him around. That he wasn’t just there to fix the Haus, or to explain things to Tango, or to carry an extra sweater for Nursey. He was worthwhile independent from his usefulness.

He already knew what the last one was. It was the same every time, because it was the one thing he wanted to believe more than anything else.

“I can be the person Nursey is proud to be dating. I can be good for him. I can love myself for him.”

Dex stayed focused on the mirror, repeating it in his head over and over. He noticed the flash of movement, but didn’t realize what it was until Nursey wrapped his arms around Dex from behind. He pressed small kisses on Dex’s shoulders, where he knew there was a particularly dense cluster of freckles, up his neck until he could feel lips pressed against his ear.

“I love you, babe. And I am so proud.”

Dex felt the flush rise to his cheeks again. Somehow, it was different with Nursey there next to him. It was a little easier to believe the things he was telling himself and a little harder to come up with arguments in his head why these things weren’t true.

He wrapped his arms around Nursey’s, hugging him as close as he could. The amount of love he felt was beyond words.

“So, do you masturbate, though?”

#ace dex #my writing #writing prompt #nurseydex #asexual relationship #william poindexter #derek nurse #Anonymous #answered asks