#once he came to the surface and saw clothes and hair and guns and lollipops like kunlun's i don't think it would take much to

[coquelicoq]

Totally Valid And Understandable Reasons Shen Wei Could Have For Not Admitting To Zhao Yunlan That He's Hei Pao Shi

because here's the thing, right. if shen wei knows from episode 1 that zhao yunlan is going to travel back in time and see hei pao shi without his mask on, that means he knows that he can't hide his secret identity forever. at some point, zhao yunlan is going to know. so what was the game plan here? why not just be upfront about it? a non-exhaustive list.

when they first meet at the university, they're in public. what if somebody (xiao guo) says "HEI PAO SHI?!??!" really loudly or something? it could be this whole thing. shen wei works here! he likes this cover identity! what if he has to move? what if he has to change his name? what if he has to get a makeover to keep people from recognizing him? what if he has to stop wearing sleeve garters???? the risk is just too great.

he wants zyl to be his friend and he thinks zyl would be more willing to befriend a suspicious yet intriguing university professor than a terrifyingly superpowered foreign government liaison, so he doesn't want to tell him that he's hps until they're already friends. he wants zyl to get to know him as him, not his office. too bad that in order to hide his hps identity, he's gonna have to lie about a whole bunch of stuff, which means zyl can't fully get to know him until he comes clean. also too bad that he sucks at lying.

zyl would probably be less likely to share information about cases with him if he knew shen wei was hps. (i'm basing this on the fact that zyl has been chief for a while and has never gone to hps before now.) and recently shen wei has discovered that having conversations about cases with the chief of the SID is - get this - actually helpful in solving those cases! therefore, for the good of all creatures everywhere, it is his solemn duty to lie to zyl about his alter ego. QED.

being hps is lonely! people are intimidated by you. they don't try to take care of you. i think he likes having zyl treat him like he's delicate, sometimes. nobody fusses over a guy with healing powers getting tetanus or colds, you know what i'm saying? nobody tries to rescue a superhero from muggers. nobody is gonna put a boyfriend jacket on the black-cloaked envoy! that dude is already good to go on outerwear. he might as well be called the No-Need-To-Give-Me-Your-North-Face-Because-I-Am-Already-Very-Warm-And-Stylish Envoy.

he keeps meaning to tell zyl but then forgets. one time he was going to make a note to remind himself to do it in the morning, but then he used up all his ink ghostwriting zyl's report to minister gao. another time he did make a note, but it happened to be the closest scrap of paper to hand when he needed to come up with non-supernatural explanations for a weird mauling, and after he drew a bear on it he forgot that there was something else on the back. hate it when that happens.

he feels like it would be rude not to tell chu shuzhi first, but then they had that weird interrogation when shen wei was caught at the face-stealer crime scene, and now it would just be like. soooooo awkward. chu shuzhi would be all, "i can't believe i tried to creep you out with a puppet and then told you you couldn't compare to one of your own toes, oh god, please let the earth swallow me," etc., etc. kinder not to tell him, really.

as soon as he comes out as zyl's diplomatic counterpart, is that going to color all of their interactions? he likes being able to talk to zyl about stuff without bringing Envoy this and Lord that into everything. he likes them spending time together as shen wei and zhao yunlan, not as the representatives of their respective species. even if zyl suspects his identity, not actually telling him gives them plausible deniability to keep doing that. once shen wei tells him, are they gonna have to officially register their relationship with haixing inspectorate HR? will this be considered a COI? how many NDAs would this necessitate?? the acronymic red tape could be nigh on infinite.

zyl is spending so much time on shen wei right now, devoting all his admirable tenacity and powers of observation to figuring out what his whole deal is, and shen wei likes being the center of his attention! once zyl has proof, is he gonna quit following shen wei around and pretending they just ran into each other? is he gonna stop waltzing into shen wei's office and eating all his cake? WHAT IF SHEN WEI HAS TO EAT HIS OWN CAKE. unacceptable. worst-case scenario. must be avoided at all costs.

actually he is doing zhao yunlan, noted mystery lover, a huge favor. like giving a cat a puzzle box. it's enrichment for detectives! shen wei is just trying to ensure an adequately stimulating environment for the domestic shorthair living across the hall (and also da qing). what would zyl do without this to entertain him? probably wither away to nothing. you are welcome, zhao yunlan.

maybe he's hoping that if he waits long enough and keeps showing off in front of zyl with his sexy sexy glaive, eventually zyl will express some kind of hubba hubba sentiment about hps to shen wei, at which point shen wei can be like "about that" and go right into the magical girl transformation. talk about a perfect beginning to their hornily ever after, plus it's efficient as all hell. unlikely? maybe. but hey, a guy can dream.

#i know there are varying opinions on whether shen wei does know about the time travel from episode 1 #but that is my working theory for the time being #once he came to the surface and saw clothes and hair and guns and lollipops like kunlun's i don't think it would take much to #put it all together. especially since it would make a bunch of cryptic stuff kunlun said about 10k years suddenly make sense #omg what if he got to modern-day haixing and heard people answer the phone and was like ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i get it now lol #guardian #shen wei #my posts #f #anyway it's been bugging me why shen wei waited so long to tell zyl he was hps. especially after zyl figures it out! #why keep lying to him at that point??? so i had to make a list #feel free to add your own justifications #together we can make anything make sense #ps zhao yunlan is a domestic shorthair and kunlun is an exotic longhair. hope this helps <3

[stuffingprize]

@agonhirublog 

here’s the fic! It’s been ages but I still find it hilarious so I hope you enjoy it too. Also, the print didn’t have the author name so ;;;; so sorry author-san!! thank you for writing this story ;;; anyways, NOT MINE, just archiving this for personal AgonHiru enjoyment~~

Title: Death to All Rating: M, Humor/Romance Summary: Sort of Agohiru. Just another day in their life. Y’know another day where Unsui claims he’s going to go insane.

~

The apartment showed all the signs of being occupied by three lazy teenage boys.

Dishes mounted precariously in the sink. Clothes thrown over all the furniture. Mixed smells of sweat, burned food, and too much cologne. And a dent in the wall where Agon finally got fed up and put Hiruma’s head through it.

They had what could so loosely be described as a routine. Hiruma screamed about cthulus, Agon acted like a vain little girl, and Unsui pretended to be the sane one. Indefinitely, until death do us part, but preferably before.

Today, however, there was something new added to the décor. Instead of the usual, oppressively frightening ‘cult’ movie playing on the teevee (Donne Darko, Clockwork Orange, Rocky Horror Picture show, etc.), Agon was slumped on the couch watching MTV with the sound turned off.

Actually, he wasn’t watching the teevee at all. His head was resting on the back of the couch, an icepack pressed against the left side of his face. His trademark sunglasses were temporarily stashed in his thick brown dreadlocks.

“I tried watching it with the sound on, but I hate all the music,” He said when his one free eye landed on his brother, gesturing vaguely to the teevee. A blonde black woman wriggled her voluptuous bottom at the screen.

“Nothing like Bob Marley, huh?”

“Hey! Bob Marley was more than just another get-rich-quick superstar, okay? He had vision. Not like any of these-” More vague gesturing- “-Wannabe five-second ‘pop’ stars. Whatever. Nobody respects reggae anymore,”

“Huh,” Unsui said, less then interested about his brother’s fetish for slow-beat Jamaican music. He tried to peel the icepack away from his face and saw enough of the angry red bruise to get a quick summary of what happened. “So how hard did he deck you?”

Agon made a face and flicked a handful of dreadlocks over his shoulder. He and Hiruma had a weird relationship to which there was no description. They screamed, they yelled, they tried to tear each other’s faces off. It was pretty amazing to watch- weapons flew overhead, blood splattered onto the walls and every weapon at their disposal exploded in a fiery display of testosterone-fueled frustration. Most of the time, Unsui let them go at it and then quietly cleaned up the disaster when they’d fainted from bloodloss, but when the fights got particularly gory (the time when Hiruma succeeded in ripping of Agon’s nose being the most memorable and recent), he figured it was best if he intervened. Still, when the screaming stopped, whoever was in the best condition staggered to his feet and patched the other one back up.

“Not too hard. It wasn’t so much to break anything as to distract me- he’s gone, if you didn’t notice,” Agon said. He picked up the remote and turned the sound back on. A high-pitched, out-off-tune whine oozed from the screen, followed by repetitive hiphop beat. He shuddered. In a quick flurry of buttons and remotes, the teevee turned off and the CD player turned on. Immediately, one of Hiruma’s Gorgoroth CDs came on. Agon groaned and sunk deeper into the couch.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Unsui said instinctively, although he had no idea whether his statement was true or not.

“I know that,” Agon snarled, gnashing his teeth and pressing the icepack against his face. “Motherfucker freaked out and trying to get out of the apartment anyway he could. He even tried jumping out the fuckin’ window,”

“Huh,” Unsui said, trying to remain unattached to the human drama. What he remembered from past dramas was that Agon liked to exaggerate. It was easier to just stay in the dark and accept that what was directly in front of him was all that he would ever know about what had happened.

“I tried calling him, but he isn’t answering his phone.”

Pause.

“What was he upset about?” Unsui asked, fully aware that Hiruma didn’t always need a reason to blow his top. Agon snorted.

“‘Upset’? God, you have no idea. He was ready to explode. Fucker was waving every gun he had around. When that didn’t work, he tried clawing out my neck. Look at this- look at it!”

Agon peeled his shirt back to show deep, angry red gashes on his neck. It did indeed look like Hiruma had tried to peel out his vocal cords.

“But why?”

“When I get my hands on him, he is so dead. But what to do with him? I could always try cutting off his thumbs...”

“You pull that stunt again, I’ll do the same thing I did last time you tried it. Why was he so pissed off?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him, it’s like no matter what, he just-”

“AGON!”

Agon jumped in his seat.

“He found out about Reiko,” He whimpered pitifully.

“Reiko who?” Unsui snapped, in no mood for his brother’s innocent act.

“Reiko Yamamura. She’s this girl I’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks and-”

“Oh my gawd,” Unsui groaned. He threw his bag as hard as possible on the floor. “That’s it- I don’t care anymore. You two can kill each, for all I care. Just don’t get any blood in my room,”

“What? What?” Agon barked, jumping to his feet. Gorgoroth CD and icepack suddenly forgotten. “Don’t tell me you’re seeing his side of the argument!”

“I, personally, think it’s rude to cheat on someone, particularly with a member of the opposite sex,”

“Oh come on. It’s nothing serious, we just go see a movie once in a while and- Holy shit, this is the same conversation I had with Hiruma.”

“It isn’t making too different an impact on me, either,” Unsui snarled.

“It isn’t a big deal!”

“You keep saying that- that big bruise on the left side of your face is saying otherwise,”

“Gimme a break- it’s just so people don’t start rumors behind my back. I don’t want to deal with stupid questions and stupider people. Reiko’s more like protective camouflage than anything,”

“The fuck are you talking about, ‘protective camouflage’? You hold his hand in public!”

“So?”

“So if you don’t want people to start rumors, maybe you should dump the bitch and cut back on the gay PDA,”

“But I like holding his hand,” Agon whined. Unsui rolled his eyes.

“Make up your fucking mind! Do you want people to think you’re gay or not?”

“No,” Agon said, a little too quickly.

“And yet you are,”

“No I’m not. I like girls,”

“And guys,”

“And guys, yes,”

“That makes you gay,”

“That makes me bi,” Agon said defensively.

“Y’know, I hope Hiruma kills you,” Unsui snarled. “You’re slime. You don’t deserve to live,”

“Fuck you! You’d say that about your own brother?”

“If he turns out the way you did, then yes!”

“We have the same DNA!” Agon proclaimed dramatically. Classic tactic.

“But not the same ego,” Unsui shot back.

“Unsuiiii-ii-iii,” Agon whined, the huge bruise on the left side of his face disfiguring his ‘pleading’ look.

“What?” He snarled.

And then, like a sign from God signaling Unui’s temporary dislodgment from the argument, the phone rang.

Once.

Twice.

“I’ll get it,” Agon mumbled, staggering over to the phone. “Hello...?”

Unsui took the break in the conversation to toss his bag onto his bed and inhale a handful of aspirin from the industrial-size bottle Musashi had so kindly stolen from the pharmacy across the street when he saw the state of the apartment. Most of it was already gone.

When he walked back in the the living room, Agon was arguing with whoever was on the other end of the line.

“What? ...but baby- No, I’m- But I thought- Look- Look- Let me finish my goddamn sentence!”

The high-pitched howling coming from the other end of the tiny speaker didn’t let him finish his sentence. It didn’t even let him start one. Unsui watched Agon’s face twist into a whole spectrum of emotions as the screaming went from fury to desperation to dejected sobbing, without him having to say a word.

And then the phone abruptly cut off and Agon was left staring at the receiver like it had the plague.

“God-”

Agon lifted the receiver over his head, his knuckles turning white from the tension. Unsui quietly shuffled out of tantrum range.

“DAMMIT!” He howled, throwing the phone full-force at a wall. It shattered like glass, raining phone organs onto what Unsui immediately recognized as the ominous Pile of Unpaid Bills.

Unsui counted to a high number, took a few deep breathes, went back into the bathroom, swallowed some more aspirin, and tried to summon up enough rage to match Hiruma in a screaming match.

When he walked back into the living room, Agon was throwing himself against the wall and screaming obscenities. He kicked the Pile of Unpaid Bills and stamped his feet like a little kid who’d just dropped his lollipop.

His sunglasses fell out of his hair and to their doom under his pounding feet. Cheap plastic sliced into his foot and he howled, throwing himself theatrically back against the couch. Unsui waited for the bawling to die down.

“SHUT UP!” He roared.

Agon’s mouth clamped shut instantly. Unsui massaged his forehead. When he looked back up, Agon was picking plastic out of his foot.

“That’s gross- knock that off. I’ll get some antiseptic,” Unsui grumbled. He slammed the industrial-sized aspirin bottle on the nearest flat surface and stormed back in to the bathroom. The antiseptic was waiting for him, perched in the medicine cabinet expectantly. He swore the little can looked smug.

“You shut up, too,” He growled at it, snatching it up and storming back into the living room. Agon was picking at his foot with a pair of tweezers.

“Didn’t I tell you to knock that off?” Unsui snarled, snatching up the tweezers out of his hand. “You’re gonna get it all infected and shit,” He sprayed some antiseptic on the cut, then handed Agon the tweezers.

“There- knock yourself out,”

“What, that’s it?” Agon whined.

“Yes that’s it! I’m not digging around in your nasty foot just to peel the plastic from your sunglasses out of it,”

“Damn, I coulda done that myself,” Agon grumbled, bending back over his foot.

“But you didn’t,” Unsui snapped. He slammed the antiseptic onto the table and snatched the aspirin up in the same movement.

“So what happened?”

“Now Reiko found out about Hiruma! Jeezus. I can’t believe this,”

“How?”

“How do you think? Next time I see him, I’m gonna kill him. Oh, and you won’t believe this- she was going on and on about how much she liked me and how many of her friends she was going to tell and shit like that. Like I fucking care!”

“Wasn’t the whole reason you were going out with her in the first place because you cared about people starting rumours?”

“Traitor! Judas! You’re next, y’know that? After them, I’m coming after you! You’re all gonna die!” Agon roared, waving the tweezers like a baton. “Right after I’m done picking plastic shit out of my foot,”

“Shut up,” Unsui advised. He slumped on the couch next to his brother and waited for him to finish picking plastic out of his foot.

He let his head fall back and stared quietly at the ceiling, doing his best to ignore Agon’s muttering. He didn’t need this. Not every day, at least. Maybe every once in a while he could pack up a change of clothes, some money and his toothbrush and go crash at a friend’s house. No need to sit here every night and wait for the roof to finally give up and cave in.

And the whole thing was Agon’s fault. Completely and totally. Unsui would never have offered that Hiruma sleep on the couch, no matter how cold the weather outside was getting. In fact, he probably would have let the fucker freeze. But Agon was insistent about the fact that Hiruma be given a place to sleep.

The original arrangement was that after school, Hiruma would unrolled the sofabed and then protected his personal space with homicidal ferocity. Then Agon convinced Unsui to sleep on the couch and Hiruma’s highly-protected personal space started to shrink rapidly.

Agon poked him in the ribs.

“You hear that?” Agon hissed.

Unsui sat up a little straighter.

“Hear what?” He asked. That was a stupid question. He knew exactly what he was supposed to be listening for, because he could hear the footsteps storming up the stairs just as well as Agon could.

“It’s him. I know it’s him,” Agon snarled, setting down the tweezers with every intention of walking over to the door and smacking whatever was walking past clean through a wall, regardless of foot injury or the possibility that it wasn’t Hiruma.

“Sit down!” Unsui barked. “You were in too much pain to so much as pick up the tweezers five minutes ago, remember? Stay that way!”

Agon snatched the tweezers back up and gave Unsui a look of pure loathing. Unsui ignored him, turning his attention back to the sounds of footsteps in the hall way. Please keep walking, he prayed silently.

The feet stopped at their door. Unsui squeezed his eyes shut and gave God one last chance to prove to a life-long atheist that he really did exist. Maybe it was one of their parents.

Agon rose slowly to his feet, hissing softly.

“Sit. Down.” Unsui said dangerously. Agon glared at him, then sunk back into this seat. Someone was rattling with the doorknob. Mr. and Mrs. Kongou had keys to the apartment, but Agon had never bothered getting Hiruma a key. Either Agon dragged Hiruma back into the house, or he picked the lock open. And somebody was picking the lock open.

Unsui dove for his room. The door slammed open.

“Bastard!” Agon roared, tossing the tweezers full-force at the entrance. Unsui hit the floor and rolled into the doorframe of his room.

~

#that's it! that's how it ends! but i just.. i laugh every time #such chaotic bfs #YoiAgo #fanfic