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the-gay-trashmouth · 5 years

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Rating: Teen

Warnings: Underage drinking/smoking

Ship(s): Javid, background sprace and Newsbians

Notes: This is pure fluff. Im so sorry it took me this long, brain is a bitch but i really tried.

~~~~~~~~~

Davey Jacobs was, as they say, a good jewish boy. He didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, and the only drugs he took were his antidepressants and anxiety stabilizers.

So, how the fuck did mister golden child end up at a party like this with friends like these?

Around him, the friends in question danced around Katherine’s living room as Billie Eilish filtered through the speakers. Half of them were drunk off the vodka Mush had somehow gotten hold of and the other half were high from the weed Davey knew Albert got from one of his older brothers, even though the red-head swears he has some top secret dealer.

The only sober one aside from himself was Spot, who didn’t drink and refused to get high with so many people around. Davey had really only ever seen him high once, and that was the night of Jack’s 17th birthday when the five of them, Crutchie, Jack, Race, Spot, and Davey himself, all went up to the roof to smoke.

Apparently, the King a’ Brooklyn was a giggly stoner.

Davey also found out that he was a philosophical stoner, but he’ll keep that to himself. He would actually be murdered if his mother ever found out what really happened at Jack’s 17th birthday party, and he quite enjoyed being alive at the moment.

Now, ever so tragically, the only other sober person there was currently making out with Race on the couch, and Davey had less than zero interest in going anywhere near that. So he stood against the wall, sipping his lemonade and laughing quietly to himself when his intoxicated friends made absolute drunken fools of themselves.

He heard a commotion from the other room, but before Davey even had time to wonder what it was, Jack somehow appeared from the void and draped an arm around Davey's shoulders. Though he had gotten much more used to the casual touches and surprise arms slung around his shoulders, Davey's brain still gave him a brief error message whenever it happened.

He shook it off and looked at Jack with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Hey Dave” he slurred in the taller boy's ear. David shook his head and tried his hand at a grin, though it looked more like a grimace when he scrunched up his nose up at the sent of the strawberry liquor.

“Hello Jack”

“Hey Dave?” This time it was a question instead of a greeting.

“Yes Jack?”

“Hey Daaave?” Jack either didn’t hear him or was too drunk to register that Davey had answered already. Davey just snorted softly and rolled his eyes.

“Whaaaat?”

Jack paused, looking up at him with the best puppy dog eyes his intoxicated brain could muster. Davey, for his part, was pretty okay, amused even, despite the fact that the smell of vodka on Jack’s breath was starting to make his head hurt.

“You should come play truth or dare with us,” he said, and immediately Davey ducked away, causing Jack to stumble forward without Davey to hold him up.

“No”

“But Daveyy!”

“But nothin’” davey crossed his arms and fixed Jack with his best motherly glare. Alas, it did not work and Jack just tried again.

“C'mon!” He tugged at Davey's arm and gave his best pleading look.

“Jack, buddy, pal, my platonic soulmate- there is no way I'm playing truth or dare with all of our intoxicated friends” he said decisively, “Jacky, I wouldn't play truth or dare with our friends sober. I love you all, I really do, but I don't trust any of you with my free will”

“Pretty pleease” Jack was now hanging fully off of David’s arm, begging like a child. David’s mouth quirked up into a smile for a brief second but returned to its usual motherly look.

“Not happenin’” Jack looked up at Davey with pleading eyes and the taller boy sighed. He really wasn’t getting out of this. Jack would just keep begging and begging until he gave in, there was literally no other option but to play.

“Alright alright, you win. I’ll play. But only for like two rounds!” he held up two fingers for emphasis and Jack grinned, grabbing his wrist to drag him towards the group already circling up.

There was a chorus of drunken whoops as he sat down in the circle. Spot raised an eyebrow at him as he begrudgingly joined them.

“Thought ya ain’t the type for these party games?” he asked, combing his hands through Race’s dirty blonde curls as the italian’s lips acted as chimneys, blowing curls of smoke in Spot’s face.

“Hey! I’m not some stick in the mud! I can have fun!” he replied indignantly. Spot just fixed him with an unimpressed look, though he wore it so often Davey thought that it may have just been his default expression.

Still, the taller boy sighed in defeat, “yeah, I’m not. But I suppose I am for tonight.”

Spot nodded, raising his capri sun at him in a toast as though it was a distinguished wine or manly beer, not a kids juice in a pouch. The sight made Davey chuckle softly to himself, The King a’ Brooklyn, scariest teen in New York, rumored to have connections to the mob, toasting his joining of truth or dare with a capri sun.

Really, why was the entire city so scared of this guy?

David jumped as Jack plopped down beside him, arm around his shoulder again. He blinked away the error message and sighed.

It started out innocently enough, weird as it was. Blink had to chug the rest of the voldka, Hotshot had to do a headstand for a full minute, and Race had to sit on Spot’s shoulders for the rest of the game. (He didn’t mind)

David also found out that JoJo once hooked up with an alter boy in church, Kathrine once blackmailed both of the Delancy brothers into doing her bidding for a full month, and Mush failed second grade and then skipped third.

“So, Spot, buddy, truth or dare?” Mush grinned drunkenly at him, draped over Blink’s lap.

“Truth”

Mush booed. “Boring~” he groaned, “fine, what's your real name?”

Race looked up at him anxiously, but Spot just nodded. “Ah, yes, funny story-” instead of finishing his sentence, he snatched the bottle of alcohol from Jack and took a swig.

“Oh, C’mon!” Spot just grinned, shuddering at the taste before passing it back to Jack.

“So, Jackie boy, truth or dare?”

Jack grinned, “Dare, I ain't no coward”

Spot raised an eyebrow, looking at Race for a beat before grinning like a shark. “A’ight, mista brave boy, I dare ya’ ta kiss the prettiest person in the room. Anyone’s up for the chopping block, except of course my Racer here,” David knew Spot was at least buzzed as he looked up to grin at Race as the other boy “aww”d and pressed a sloppy kiss to the corner of his mouth. Albert made a gagging noise as Race flipped him the bird.

David looked at Katherine with a raised eyebrow. Everyone remembered when she and Jack dated in their sophomore year. It ended badly, but they got to be friends again. Now, Sarah was passed out in her lap, arms wrapped loosely around her middle.

She was most certainly over him now, but he still assumed that she’d be who Jack choose.

So imagine his surprise when lips landed on his cheek.

He was too frozen in shock to really register the whoops and whistles coming from their mutual friends. He looked at jack, blue eyes wide as saucers, only to see the other boy with a lopsided grin.

Spot snorted, “that wasn’t even a real kiss! Thought you wasn’t a coward?”

“Hey! It’s rude to just go an’ kiss a fella!” he argued, “I ain’t kissin’ him ‘less he wants me too!”

“He does, trust me” Sarah grumbled from her spot in Katherine’s lap.

“Saz!”

“What? Ya’ do”

David sputtered, cheeks reddening be the second. His breath caught in his throat when Jack brought his hands up to cup his cheeks. He smiled before leaning in a bit. “Please tell me you’re okay wit’ this” he said almost breathlessly.

“I uh, yeah,” David cursed his stutter for probably the millionth time in his life, “Yeah, total-”

He was cut off with Jack’s lips on his. He dully registered the whoops and hollers from the teenagers around his but currently his senses were overtaken with just Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack.

When they pulled back, they were both breathless. David looked up at Jack, who hadn’t stopped grinning.

“That- I… You taste like vodka.”

#Stari writes #Javid #Requests #:)))))

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promiscuous-jalapeno · 7 years

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Songbird-Ch.2

Mystic Messenger Mafia AU

║ch1║║ch3║║ch4║║ch5║║ch6║

Word Count: 2,758

[VIOLENCE]

The night air blew a rather unpleasant chill up your skirt, and you squinted to gaze at the neon sign just above you. The Stranger Lounge, one of the hottest joints in town, and your destination for the evening.

“Hey there, dolly,” a sandy-haired boy called over to you as he leaned against the brick wall of the place, snapping his suspenders with a wink.

You paid him no mind as you opened the door and stepped inside. The cigar smoke hit you as hard as the music. There was laughter and chit chat from men and women alike throughout the space. Girlies with feather fans were dancing on stage for a sea of small white round tables, covered in a cream colored cloth. Along the back wall were large U-shaped booths, for the more distinguished clientele. Men in suits with fat cigars stuck between their lips laughed with young beautiful women. This is where married men came to play, and the object of their fantasies came to make a quick buck, or at least earn a new fur coat.

It was a rambunctious space, but it wasn’t where the action was. Oh, no. For the select few in the know, there was a much better spot. It lay below, hidden in the basement of this establishment. You made your way around tables of obnoxious cackling men and doe-eyed girls all clapping as the dancers kicked their legs in the air. Down a hallway and passed the kitchen where the laughter and music was drowned by the clanking of dishes and yelling of the cooks.

“God damn it, Jimmie! Where the fuck are my steaks?! You killin' the cow yourself you slow son of…” their voices trailed as you walked further.

Through another hallway and finally to a set of stairs leading you down a low narrow corridor. At the bottom lay a heavy wooden door. And behind that door lay criminals. Always the same familiar dryness in your throat as you took each step into the darkness. The click of your heels echoed off of the cold brick, counting down your last minute before entering this proverbial lions den.

In the distance you could see a couple standing at the base of the steps. The metal slot of the door scraped open hard and a set of eyes leered through the slit.

“Cat’s miaow,” you heard the fella say confidently and then smile to his girl. The grate slid shut with a bang and then there was silence.

“Hey!” he began to bang on the door until it opened once again, “cat’s miaow! That was the password last week!”

“Well, it ain’t last week no more, is it? So scram!” the gravelly voice spoke from behind the door.

He pulled the girl back up the stairs, muttering curses under his breath and brushing into you as you passed each other.

“But Johnny, you said-“ she whined and his face got red.

“I know what I said, okay?!”

The password to get in was ever-changing. This helped keep out any unfavorable people who had somehow managed to get in. But for those special few, such as yourself, you had a card. This could be shown at the door and allow you to gain entrance no matter what. Most of the carriers were gangsters and the affiliates of such. People you wouldn’t want to upset by making them figure out through the grape-vine how to get in.

You fumbled through your handbag at the door, looking for the card when you heard the clicking of locks. The door creaked open to the sound of a familiar jazz band playing and the thumping of half-full glasses on the bar top.

“I know who you are, no n-need for that, Miss,” the doorman tipped his hat to you as walked through the smoky interior.

The ceiling was low and the lights were dim. A few warm bodies bumped against you and you found yourself seated at the L-shaped bar. The counter was slightly wet and you pulled your hands back to avoid it. A sea of brightly colored liquor bottles lined some shelves all the way up to the ceiling. Some of them, you imagined, worth more than you made in the last few months combined.

“Sorry about that, little lady,” the handsome owner swiped a rag in front of you to clean the mess.

You swiveled in your stool to watch the band play for a moment. The music from the instruments vibrated in your chest and you smiled watching the crowd of men and women drunkenly dance away in front of the stage.

“Gunna dance a bit?” he asked you.

“Not tonight, Zenny,” you sighed and faced his red eyes once more.

“A drink, then?” he pulled a clean glass from underneath and set it in front of you with a smile.

“You know I can’t stand that coffin varnish,” you laughed.

He had known, of course. Instead, he was pouring you some water in the glass. A white bandage was wrapped around his knuckles and he slid it towards you, the ice clinking.

“Hey! How’s that hand? It looks brand new, already,” you exclaimed.

Just two days before he had been in a tussle with another man bent on causing a raucous. Zen wiped the floor with him, but his hand had been badly hurt. You’d never even know, watching him work the bar tonight as he was.

“Ah, it’s nothing,” he rubbed his hand, “bandage is basically for show at this point. I’m all healed, really.”

Beneath that warm and charming smile was a tough guy. A character who grew up on the streets and made his way in life by understanding respect and hard work. And on top of that, he had a beautiful singing voice. Girl from all over town flocked to watch him at the mic, making their dates jealous as they got moon-eyed over him.

It was strange, to like someone like Zen. In any other scenario you would have him arrested. But here you were, sitting in this blind pig he ran, laughing with him. Having connections with the very people you set out to investigate was not something you had planned for. Often, you lay awake at night pondering whether or not you could really see this thing through. Could you sit across someone like Zen in that courtroom, your finger pointing towards him as he sat in shackles? All eyes on you, all ears listening to your testimony. You let the water swill in your mouth for a bit before swallowing it along with the thoughts and anxieties that had built up in the moment.

“They’re in the back room, waiting for you I’m sure,” he mentioned while filling up another man’s glass.

“Yeah, waiting for me to bring the drinks,” you said with sarcasm.

“Hey, what do we always say? There could be worse things. For people like us, there could be worse things,” he replied.

He wasn’t wrong. Just remembering the bullet from the other night had you suddenly delighted to carry a tray of jag juice around for the men.

“Butt me?” you asked.

He pulled a cigarette for you and lit it when you placed it between your lips. You gave him a wave before heading off through the crowds and into another room. Although the music carried through, there was no dancing here. Only gambling and heavy drinking. In the center of the room you saw Saeyoung seated in his usual spot at the table, holding a hand full of cards while puffing from a strong cigar with a smirk.

Yoosung stood along the wall but rushed to greet you as you walked through. You took a seat on a nearby plush chair and blew a puff of smoke.

“There you are!” Yoosung smiled as he stood above you.

“Here I am,” you grinned back.

“They’re in good spirits tonight, I think.”

They, meaning Mad Hatter and the rest of the gang at the card table. Some of them were Capos for the family, you knew that from all you had researched. Others were local business owners who occasionally did work for the outfit. You could scan the room and put a name to each face. Except one…a younger looking male holding a drink tray was standing in a corner.

His thick dark hair and quivering nature had you unsettled. While everyone seemed to be enjoying the night, he seemed to do not much but stare at the card table. You took another drag of your cigarette and narrowed your eyes onto him, inquisitively.

“Who’s that?” you asked Yoosung.

“I’m not sure. He seems pretty quiet. I think Zen might’a hired him? Pretty shy, but can you blame him?” he shrugged.

“Lucky! We’re thirsty,” Saeyoung taunted from the table.

Yoosung jumped up to grab his tray of glasses while the men threw more money onto the table and carried on with their conversations.

“You take a drink, first,” Saeyoung gestured to a full glass and urged Yoosung to drink.

“No…I don’t…” Yoosung shrunk into himself at the thought.

“Come on, be a man and drink with us, Lucky!” he pat Yoosung on the back roughly and caused him to choke on the liquid.

Everyone was laughing at Yoosung’s face, he was clearly trying not to spit out the harsh alcohol burning his throat and lungs.

“Get outta here,” Saeyoung laughed, only to trip him as Yoosung tried to walk away from the table.

A few of the drink glasses spilled on the carpet as he tumbled and the table was roaring. You tossed your cigarette in a nearby abandoned glass, going to help Yoosung clean up the mess, when Saeyoung spoke in a more serious tone.

“You aren’t laughing,” and as he spoke the space went still and quiet. The only sound being the band from the other room who simultaneously picked up the pace with a new song.

At first you thought he was looking to you. Your heart went into your throat and you froze, only to see him looking directly behind you at the dark haired boy.

“Was that not funny enough for you? Are you worried for poor Lucky, here?” he took the cigar from between his teeth and with a smirk pointed it towards Yoosung who had straightened all the glasses and was picking up bits of ice. “Lucky, come here. You’re alright, aren’t you?”

Yoosung ran to his side with a nod. Saeyoung puffed on his cigar for a moment before clenching it in his teeth once more. He smiled and pretended to dust Yoosung off, straightening his bow tie and vest for him.

“See? Kid’s alright,” Saeyoung held his palms open as if he was showing Yoosung off to the room.

The boy said nothing. You stood only a few feet from him now and could see his eyes were unblinking. His hands trembled slightly at his sides as if he was deciding to reach into his pocket or not.

“You’ve been staring at me all night. If you keep staring without saying anything I’m going to pluck your eyes out of your fucking skull,” he took a swig from his glass and sighed.

The room was thick with tension now. Everybody was staring at this boy, Yoosung’s mouth hung open. He couldn’t be more than 15. He was small and skinny, his eyes were still that of a child. His lips were moving but his words were a whisper. If you hadn’t been so close you wouldn’t have caught some of his mumbling.

“Killed him…killed my dad,” the boys voice was hoarse and quivering. He had a crazed look in his eyes.

His fingers slowly reached for his hip and you took a quick breath when you glimpsed the outline of a gun. Your eyes flashed to Saeyoung who was making a move of his own. Of course, he wasn’t a fool. But you had to do something. Lifting your skirt you whipped your own gun out and brought it down with a rich thud to the back of the kids skull. He went hurling to the ground on his knees and you kicked him in the side. Not too hard, but hard enough.

“I think this kid’s bent,” you played it off, “probably been sneaking drinks all night. Come on, you. Time to go home,” you heaved and picked him up by the collar, dragging him towards the back door and into the alley.

Your heart was racing and you tried to keep your hands from shaking so much after you let him loose. Bending down you got close enough to whisper.

“You bitch. He killed my pop,” he said angrily through tears.

“Go home. Kiss your mama. You have no idea what you almost got yourself into,” you stood up, “don’t be such a dummy. You have to take care of your family now.”

You left him out there and walked back inside, glad to hear that the normal chatter has resumed.

“He wants to see you,” one of Saeyoung’s body guards appeared from your side and nodded his head in a gesture to follow him.

The room looked like an office. You’d never seen it before, perhaps where they did the book keeping. What you wouldn’t give for a few minutes alone in there to read through some of the documents. You made a mental note of where it was. Perhaps one day, if Zen let you in. Maybe if you said you forgot something…If they had names, any names at all to connect them to other syndicates and families, or to where this booze was coming from…

The red haired man stood up from a chair and walked until he was arms length in front of you. Very rarely had you been so close to him. Only now could you see just how handsome he really was. How could someone so cruel be so good looking?

“How do you know that kid?” he asked with a dull face.

“I don’t,” which was the truth.

“And I don’t believe you. He’s about to pull a gun on me and you saved him anyway? Don’t lie to me,” he smiled, his gloved fingers traced your jaw line for a moment, “do you know who sent him, maybe? Maybe you did, and gave him a whack when you got cold feet?”

His hand now had a grip on your jaw, and you realized he had been pushing you back and now had you pressed between him and a wall. The tips of his fingers pressed in further and he tilted his head while looking at you with a curious grin. Your chest was beating so hard you could almost swear everyone in the room could hear it, but you knew it was only your imagination.

“If you get your paws off me, I could talk to you,” you spit back, not knowing where this fire was coming from.

The few men in the room made an ‘ooh’ sound and a few chuckled at Saeyoung being had. He moved his face closer to yours, looking deep into your eyes as he released his fingers.

“She may be cute as a kitten but this one has claws, boys!” he laughed and stepped away.

They were all smiling as well. It was like being part of a joke you knew nothing about. You straightened your headband and took a quiet deep breath.

“I’m just fucking with you,” he took his hat off and ran his hand through his red hair as he leaned on the front of the desk with a smile, “I know who that kid is. Oh! I see that look on your face. Don’t worry your pretty little head, I’m not going to do anything to him. He’s just a squirt, right?”

The men all seemed to relax again and some even lit up a smoke as they sat down in their chairs.

“There’s something about you. I don’t know what it is, but I like you. You’re observant. And you’ve got a kick to you,” he brought a glass of hooch over and placed it in your hand.

Even the smell was strong enough to knock you back on your butt. You let it wet your lips but nothing more. Was the underboss…inviting you to drink with him?

“Anyway, I’ve got your nickname figured out,” he adjusted the flower on your headband with delicate fingers, “I’m going to call you Kitty.”

#mystic messenger #mafia au #mystic messenger fanfic #mystic messenger scenarios #mystic messenger au #chapter two

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funface2 · 5 years

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The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com

To some, Comedy Central’s annual roast is like the Super Bowl of comedy. And this year’s distinguished honoree, Alec Baldwin, makes for a particularly great football to kick around. Not only has he endured as an award-winning film and television star for more than 30 years, but he has survived all kinds of tabloid incidents, from fistfights with photographers, to the embarrassing voicemail he once left for his “rude, thoughtless” daughter. He has also hosted Saturday Night Live, America’s foremost comedy institution, more than anyone else in its history. The point is that Baldwin’s remarkable life offers a lot of material to work with. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin airs Sunday night, but Collider was invited to the live taping last week, and with a dais that included acting legend Robert De Niro, transgender icon Caitlyn Jenner and controversial comedian Adam Carolla, you can bet there was plenty of friendly shade thrown and shots fired.

Sean Hayes served as a surprisingly strong Roast Master for the evening, and joining him and the aforementioned trio on stage were doctor-turned-actor Ken Jeong, NBA star Blake Griffin, SNL‘s Chris Redd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Carolina Rhea, roast ringer Nikki Glaser, and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Plus, there were two surprise roasters, Alec’s daughter, Ireland Baldwin, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who may need to be put down soon, as his shtick is getting a little long in the canine. And yes, that is a tooth joke, for all the dentists who read Collider.

At one point, I thought Lady Gaga was going to roast Baldwin (who introduces Ally’s SNL performance in A Star Is Born), via video, but she was just announcing that she and Comedy Central had a made a cool million-dollar donation to Exploring the Arts, a charity that supports arts funding. That’s always the first thing to go when there are budgets cuts at schools, so it’s a worthy cause, and hey, isn’t that worth it to get Lady Gaga on your broadcast? Methinks so.

Image via Warner Bros.

Glaser brought her A-game, as you’ll see below, but that’s what I expected from a pro. Griffin, on the other hand, dunked on everyone with the kind of confidence that only a jock can muster, and truly surprised me with his ease and timing on stage. I should’ve seen it coming, too, as Griffin once held his own in a roast battle against Ross, who underestimated his competition and was lucky to squeak by the All-Star forward back in the day.

Jenner deserves a medal for what she was put through during this roast, but she gave as good as she got, and went toe-to-toe with some much more experienced roasters. De Niro did his thing, but at that point, he’d been on stage for close to three hours and it was getting late, so the energy — both his and the crowd’s — wasn’t quite there. And Carolla stayed right on brand, using most of his time to rail against #CancelCulture instead of Baldwin. Speaking of whom, when it was Baldwin’s turn for rebuttal, he showed everyone why he won two Emmys for 30 Rock — he can deliver a hell of a zinger.

So put that remote down — remotes are for closers — and check out the #BaldwinRoast on Comedy Central on Sunday night. Here’s a little sneak peek of my three favorite jokes from each roaster. Naturally, parental discretion is advised…

Sean Hayes

“No offense, Blake, but I’m a better ball handler than you.”

“Caitlyn, being here tonight is the bravest thing you’ve ever done, but don’t worry, any parts you don’t like will be cut.”

“Alec once said I was like a brother to him, which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years.”

“Alec, this will be the funniest thing you’ve been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Grade: A Hayes made for a surprisingly solid Roast Master and his introductions for each roaster were some of his funniest jokes, especially his intros for Redd and Jenner. I thought he did a good job setting the tone for the evening with his strong opening set.

Nikki Glaser

“Blake, you look like a black guy made by a printer that was running out of ink.”

“Robert De Niro… I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you, and by that I mean the final one of your life.”

“Stevie Wonder sees his sons more than you do, Caitlyn. I mean, even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter!”

“Alec, you’ve had four kids with Hilaria, which is incredible, because isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point? Oooh, Robert got excited when I said ‘oatmeal!’”

Grade: A Glaser was really the ringer of the evening, as she’s really the only one flexing that comedy muscle every night. It showed, as her set was absolutely vicious.

Image via Warner Bros. Pitures

Ken Jeong

“Chris Redd… just like on SNL, your jokes have been cut for time. Let’s move on! Scroll, scroll, scroll!”

“Alec, you have five kids with two different women. Why can’t you be more like the investors in your films and just pull out?”

“Robert, I’m a great doctor, but even I can’t resuscitate your career.”

Grade: A- Ken Jeong’s jokes alternated between network sitcom and edgy cable series, so to speak. Some were a little corny, but the clever ones really hit the mark, especially Jeong’s delivery of the Redd joke above. Hopefully that one makes its way into the broadcast, which will inevitably leave some punchlines on the cutting room floor.

Chris Redd

“If you wanna hide something from Robert De Niro, just put it on a SNL cue card, because he can’t read that shit!”

“I’m excited to watch an old man figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience.”

“Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen.”

Grade: B+ Chris Redd got off to a rough start but he recovered and finished strong.

Caitlyn Jenner

“Back in the day, Alec and Bruce were like brothers. That’s one more brother he’ll never talk to again.”

“Adam Carolla is so boring. I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life, and that’s coming from me. See Adam, women are funny!”

Grade: B+ Jenner closed her set with an inspirational message, telling trans viewers ‘if I’m strong enough to sit up here all night, you can handle anything,” and telling her critics “if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick… if you can find it!”

Caroline Rhea

“Jeff Ross, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you took “Let my people go!” out of context.”

“Alec Baldwin worked as a busboy at Studio 54, where he had to clean up jizz and coke every night. That’s exactly what Nikki looks for in a shampoo!”

“Where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!”

Grade: B Rhea may have stuck out like a sore thumb on the dais but she held her own onstage and took all the jokes about her weight in stride.

Blake Griffin

“Caroline, if you’re here then Salem the Cat must’ve turned it down. Sorry Robert, I know how much you like black pussy.”

“Caitlyn Jenner’s pussy is so young that Alec just called it a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

“On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, thanks for giving your daughters daddy issues.”

Grade: A Griffin showed his roast experience, dunking on the entire dais, and forcing the industry to wonder, should he be starring in Space Jam 2 instead of LeBron James? Could he be the next Dwayne Johnson or Dave Bautista? The charisma is there…

Adam Carolla

“Ken Jeong showed his dick in The Hangover, and Ken, I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice-fishing!”

“If you were offended tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up!”

Grade: B Carolla works a bit better in longer-form, where he can build up a head of steam. His jokes were good, and I liked how he pushed back against the Comedy Police, but it felt like he left a few punchlines on the table.

Ireland Baldwin

“It’s hard being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.”

“It’s nice to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines. I mean, why would you start shit with the one place still playing your movies?”

“At least you taught someone the ABC’s!”

Grade: B+ Ireland was the surprise roaster of the night, and frankly, she deserved a few minutes of revenge years after her father left that terribly mean voice mail on her phone. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman, and she showed a lot of poise on stage considering the fact that she isn’t paid to deliver lines, and many other roasters struggled in front of the live audience.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

“I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger!”

“Alec, your fuse is almost as short as Chris Redd’s IMDb page!”

“Alec Baldwin once made an appearance on Sesame Street. It was the only way he could get close to an Oscar.”

Grade: C I’ve gotta be honest… Triumph’s shtick is getting a little old… in terms of both human and dog years. When an actual dog is stealing the show from you, what does that say?

Image via Warner Bros.

Robert De Niro

“After tonight, Rocky and Bullwinkle won’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done!”

“I was in Goodfellas, and I bet Sean has also been in some good fellas.”

“Comedy Central wouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on a roast until after her transition so they could pay her 20 percent less.”

Grade: C+ I just don’t think this was the right format for De Niro, who struggled with the teleprompter. He was OK, but his timing wasn’t 100 percent. Too bad Comedy Central couldn’t afford to de-age him like Netflix. I heard enough Old De Niro jokes to last me a lifetime. The man is the greatest actor ever, and it just felt weird watching everyone tee off on him like that, but at least he’s a good sport!

Jeff Ross

“It’s a Saturday Night Live reunion! Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump. Robert De Niro plays Robert Mueller. Chris Redd plays Kanye. And Caitlyn Jenner donated the dick in the box!”

“Robert De Niro is a method actor. I just wish that method involved reading the script, Bob!”

“Caroline, you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting.”

“Adam, you once said that women aren’t funny. Well, they are, and let me tell you, you should’ve hired some to write your jokes tonight!”

Grade: A- The Roastmaster General was pretty damn great, and his set was consistently good. It didn’t have quite the same highs as, say, Nikki Glaser or Blake Griffin’s, but he didn’t have many stinkers in the bunch, and he definitely seemed to get extra camera time.

Alec Baldwin

“Blake, moving from LA to Detroit is so sad. That only happens when a prostitute’s body is sent back to her family.”

“Nikki, were you the flight attendant I was rude to? What devastating comment can I make that Nikki hasn’t already muttered to herself in front of a mirror at Equinox?”

“Ken, the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Grade: B+ Baldwin got some good licks in when it was his turn to respond, but the roaster is always in a tough position at these things, because we’ve already heard 3 hours of jokes about each individual on stage, so it becomes harder to surprise the audience as the night wears on. Still, for a guy who made ‘Always Be Closing’ famous, he scored as the evening’s closer.

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via NBC