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disregardcanon · 4 years

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tangled star wars au!

to set the scene: zhan tiri is palpatine. she’s an evil sith who has been manipulating things behind the scenes for years in order to bring forth an empire. mother gothel was her first apprentice, a darth maul type figure, and she decided to leave zhan tiri after getting pregnant and starting to catch force visions of how her daughter would eventually replace her as zhan tiri’s apprentice.

which, of course, means that she dies if she stays. which gothel is NOT down for. she starts catching more and more force visions concerning her child, but mainly about the chosen one- an incredibly force sensitive baby who was due to be born to the queen of alderaan in a few years. she bides her time with her own, semi-force sensitive child who she ignores and then she goes to kidnap Super Baby to make her into the perfect apprentice to use to take down zhan tiri.

she steals the baby and ends up abandoning her own. cass is temporarily adopted by the captain of the palace guards before being given to the jedi order.

cass is a good jedi student, but part of that is because she just. repress repress represses so well and pushes down her own feelings and desires to try to conform to the group. she feels unappreciated, and really- senator zhan tiri from naboo seems to be the only one who thinks that she’s good for anything.

she’s placed with a jedi master who is very The Code Is The Most Important Thing and does not show affection, like, ever. cass gets through to knighthood early because she’s a great fighter but her emotional health is bad. it’s just bad.

rapunzel is an abused sith apprentice. while her first instinct is to try to help, she’s also been raised by gothel forever- and this time as a weapon instead of as a healing machine. she is an adept duelist who, despite her instincts reaches out with a force choke or force lighting before she reaches out a helping hand.

gothel can, and does, hurt her a lot. the model that i’m thinking of here is kinda barriss offee and luminara unduli in mirror, mirror. i know that doesn’t mean anything if you haven’t read the fic but it helps me. so.

gothel keeps her eye on galactic politics to see where she can shove a wrench in palpatine’s plans, and it seems that something something trade federation something something naboo. she dispatches an 18 year old rapunzel to kill nute gunray and end the invasion because she’s worked out that this is important to zhan tiri’s plans. (she follows because she still doesn’t trust her unwilling apprentice to get the job done, but that’s not important until later)

with naboo, comes eugene and lance, thieving orphan pair that they always are. eugene is twenty whatever he is. i don’t remember. lance is off doing space crimes and eugene is currently working theed as a pickpocket.

he’s been hired by the trade federation to draw up plans for the castle with pitfalls and to serve as a guide in and out since he’s robbed the place so many times, and he’s initially pretty chill about it until they like. start threatening the life of the young queen and they take her hostage.

eugene is very much not on board for this, and so he goes to the bathroom and holos space 9-11.

“uh? need? jedi?” and recently made a jedi knight 22 year old cassandra travels from halfway across the world where she was for *hand waves*

eugene sends her the castle plans so that she can come in and rescue the queen, and through a series of mishaps he temporarily convinces the trade federation that HE wasn’t the one who brought the jedi here and lost them their hostage. but then they realize they’ve been duped and take HIM hostage.

cue rapunzel going planetside on her gunray assassination attempt, and cassandra sighing as she realizes that she has to go back in to save this guy.

she runs into the cagey sith apprentice, and they realize that both of them want to fight the trade federation so they’ll have a truce. for now. there’s also some cute banter but i’m going at lightspeed right now.

they get to the room, save eugene, and then rapunzel is like OKAY ASSASSINATION TIME! and cass is like. uh. no. not the jedi way. and it becomes a very mobile lightsaber battle that ends with them in the room with a big pit that goes down for some reason all over again. eugene follows, because ho ho holy shit this is scary but also kind of the coolest thing that he’s ever seen?

rapunzel and cass go back and forth about what the right thing is and yadda yadda, and raps finds that she actually LIKES this girl.. so she doesn’t kill her. she just knocks her out. she bends down to check the pulse, just to be sure, then heaves a visible sigh of relief as she puts her saber away. she starts to walk to Assassinate and then eugene blocks her path.

some good quality “hey so you seem nice, i really don’t think that you want to commit murder” “well i have to” “do you really? i think you’re being forced” “well yeah my master will kill me if i don’t” “well what if we talked to someone. i think the jedi order could help. you’ve got the forcey power things” and then rapunzel stares at him.

“you really think that they’d help a sith like me?” eugene glances at cass’s unconscious form.

“once she vouches for you, yeah. i do.” eugene has no idea how that would work, but it has to be worth a try, right? rapunzel nods hesitantly and agrees to come with him and cass.

then gothel comes. dun dun dun. there’s a terrifying duel with some very cruel dialogue from gothel, until cassandra comes up behind her and joins the duel. rapunzel is able to get in a slice in half shot and send gothel hurting her to ACTUAL death.

after eugene’s valiant efforts trying to protect the queen, he’s called in as an advisor for a time on local politics, particularly serving as a voice for the lower classes, and then becoming senator.

rapunzel is inducted into the order as a padawan because they feel like there’s literally no other choice here. this former sith wants to get better, and they can’t exactly unleash her on the world. she’s assigned to cassandra as padawan partially with and partially without cassandra’s consent.

attack of the clones happens only a year and a half later, and involves a lot of rapunzel guarding senator fitzherbert and some feelings flaring up, and then her image getting blasted across the holos and the monarchs of alderaan realizing that their daughter is alive. rapunzel is knighted after geonosis (the youngest knight ever! how impressive!)

as the clone wars rage, rapunzel’s parents keep reaching out to her and trying to get her leave the order while she’s romancing eugene (he pulled me away from the dark! he believed in me!) and getting lots of accolades for being an amazing jedi after turning away from being raised by the sith. as she’s also praised for being a literal princess and having lots of people who obviously love her outside of the order really serves to propel cass’s feelings of jealousy both from not being as good as rapunzel and not feeling loved by her or like one of her most important people.

the clone wars rages for a long time, rapunzel gaining more and more renown as cassandra keeps being overlooked for a promotion to master or a slot on the council, and zhan tiri keeps whispering in her ear about how no one appreciates her properly.

“everyone knows that former padawan of yours is involved with that senator from naboo, but she hasn’t gotten the slightest reprimand as they praise her. meanwhile you, the greatest jedi in the order, have nothing to show for your hard work” the seed of jealousy grows and grows, and then nearer to the end of the war zhan tiri reveals that the sith lord that stole rapunzel as a child was cassandra’s mom who abandoned her.

that seed of rage grows, but it’s not the catalyst, even after killing count dooku. the catalyst is that after years of feeling unappreciated and simultaneously loving and despising rapunzel, her best friend announces that she is leaving the jedi order to be with her family on alderaan and marry senator fitzherbert.

the end of the war is in sight, right? the perfect time to leave will be once it’s all over. and that’s when zhan tiri twists the knife in the deepest it’s ever been and asks cassandra if she’d like to finally get what she’s owed.

no one dies on mustafar but cassandra’s ability to not be in a vader suit. rapunzel goes into hiding and eugene tries to do the most that he can as he remains a senator for naboo, glaring daggers in zhan tiri’s back as he does his best to undermine her at every turn.

rapunzel and eugene keep up their relationship when they can manage, but it’s not often as a rebellion leader and something resembling a spy. he works his magic in the imperial senate for as long as he can before zhan tiri sends inquisitors after him and he goes on the run with lance, forming a rebellion cell that will eventually merge into the rebel alliance that rapunzel helps run.

cassandra will come back to the light eventually, but it’s a long time coming, and it doesn’t immediately bring the empire tumbling down. that takes a lot more work and working alongside rapunzel. they eventually work out some of their issues and things move in a v shaped ot3 direction, the way that would have prevented a lot of heartbreak.

you get to decide whether or not they nuke alderaan/corona in this one. i haven’t decided if i want to pull that trigger yet.

#tangled sw au #cassunzel #rapunzel tangled #cassandra tangled #eugene fitzherbert #zhan tiri #tangled aus

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kuriboo · 5 years

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Thunder(struck)

(also available on ao3 @ tatersalad5001. you can consider this to be during season 1 of yugioh gx)

Chazz Princeton was the top duelist at Duel Academy, in his year at least, and he always would be. None of the slackers around him could even compare. He was in the top dorm, Obelisk Blue, and from his throne he could look down at everyone who dared to try to beat him, and laugh at them for making the greatest mistake of their lives.

...Okay, yeah, that was going a little far, even for Chazz. Even he knew that none of that was true.

Chazz Princeton wasn't even the best duelist he'd dueled that month, and while he'd grown a lot in the last few weeks, he clearly still had a long way to go. He'd been knocked down to the lowest dorm, Slifer Red, and it's honestly where he probably belonged. But if anyone tried to say that out loud, be it to his face or behind his back, he'd make sure they would regret it. Chazz couldn't stop himself from feeling that way, but he could absolutely make sure no one else realized that was how he felt. He didn't even like realizing for himself. If he could go back to the sweet ignorance of thinking he was the best, he would.

But then Bastion had to happen, and North Academy, and Jaden, and Slade and Jagger...

Slade and Jagger. Yeah. His brothers. That was a thing that happened. They'd just had to go and broadcast his duel on TV, hadn't they? Try to show the world that the Princeton family dominated every aspect of life, including dueling. And Chazz probably could've proven it in a duel against most opponents, but against Jaden? He didn't stand a chance. He never had, in any point the two of them had ever dueled. That dumb Slifer was too good.

So Chazz lost, obviously. And then he was publicly disowned by his brothers. Now here he was, no family, no friends, sitting in a dingy room in the Slifer dorms that was so small his bed didn't even fit in there. Followed around by the most annoying duel spirit to ever grace the planet, to make things worse. Didn't get much worse than that.

All his life, all Chazz had ever done was work to please his brothers. They wanted him to be the best duelist in the world, and that's what he worked to be. He worked hard in prep school, made sure he made it to the top dorm in Duel Academy. And he was good, against most duelists he'd faced up to this point. Even Chazz didn't think he was the worst, he just obviously wasn't the best, either. It was the one thing his brothers had wanted him to do, to dominate the world of dueling. But as hard as Chazz worked, had always worked, it was never good enough for them. He could always be better, he could always do better, which meant that he just wasn't good enough in Slade and Jagger's eyes. And now, it looked like they'd decided he was never going to be good enough, either. They'd decided they were done with him. (That declaration still didn't feel real to him. Chazz knew his brothers had been fed up with him, but he'd never thought they'd throw him away like that.)

He'd just wanted to live up to their expectations, and he'd failed. Chazz was no fool, he'd always been a failure, but this time his incompetence had been too much.

All the Slifers, after that duel, had been pretty happy to welcome him in after he decided to transfer back to Duel Academy. But it wasn't their approval Chazz had been looking for. If he couldn't dominate the world of dueling for the Princeton family, then what was he supposed to do? Becoming a duelist had never even been on his mind whenever he studied or practiced, he'd always been foremost concerned with becoming a Princeton. With that option gone, what was left to him?

If Chazz was honest with himself, he wasn't even sure why he transferred back to Duel Academy. He wasn't even sure why he was still in school, or still holding onto his cards. What was he doing here? He wasn't even sure he wanted to duel, without several tons of pressure weighing him down.

He wasn't even sure what he wanted to do.

A loud meow broke Chazz out of a dream he'd already completely forgotten about. He opened his eyes just enough to see Pharaoh glaring at him. He must've kicked the cat in his sleep or something. Wait, why was this furball in his room, anyway? Shouldn't he be sleeping in Professor Banner's room or something? Did Pharaoh always make it a habit of breaking into people's rooms at (Chazz rolled over to check his clock) 6 AM?

Wait, 6 AM?? Chazz rubbed his eyes before looking again, but no, he'd seen right the first time. Panic filled him for a second. He needed to get up, get ready for the day before classes started.

The panic then drained out of him, replaced with an overwhelming emptiness. Did it matter? Did he even want to go to class? Should he even care?

Before he could decide, the door to his room slammed open.

"Yo, Chazz!" Jaden yelled. "You in there? Waking up? You should get up soon, you don't want to miss breakfast!"

"Didn't anyone ever teach you how to knock?" Chazz asked. Pharaoh turned to Jaden, meowing with enough annoyance that Chazz hoped the cat was taking his side. He felt supported regardless, supported enough to add, "I can wake myself up, you know."

"Sure you can," Jaden replied cheerfully. Ignoring Chazz's question, he noticed. That meant the answer was probably no, good grief. "But this whole living arrangement is new, you know? I just wanted to let you know, you can sit with us at breakfast if you want. You can walk with us to class, too. We figured, your buddies are in Obelisk, and it's hard to eat with them or walk to class with them when you're here, so..."

"Save it. Don't feel like you have to offer just because I'm here and I'm new." Chazz rolled over, facing away from Jaden. "I'm not even sure I'm going to class, anyway."

"Aw, Chazz, don't be like that. Of course I want to offer, we're friends!" Chazz snorted, but Jaden kept talking before he could give a comeback to that. "What's eating at you? You never skip class."

"I never used to skip class," Chazz corrected him. "Now I'm a new and improved Chazz, and maybe The Chazz wants to skip class now."

"Come on, Chazz. I know class is boring, I sleep through it all the time, but I still go. Everything's okay, right?" Jaden pushed. "You're not sick, are you?"

"Not sick," Chazz agreed, even though his stomach had been upset enough to force him out of bed once during the night. That wasn't really him being sick, though, that was just stress. Not that he'd ever admit it, he'd fake food poisoning sooner than admit it. After eating Slifer food, that'd be easy enough to do, too. "I just don't even know if I want to go. I don't even know why I'm here."

"Of course you're here, you're a duelist. You're here because you like dueling."

Chazz rolled his eyes. "Do I have to spell it out for you, slacker? I don't know if I want to be a duelist. I don't know if I ever did, or if I was just doing what my brothers wanted me to do. I don't know if I want to be here."

After the duel had ended, Jaden had told Chazz he was free now, from his brothers' demands and expectations. And maybe he was. But Chazz had never really been free before, and he'd quickly become lost. He had no idea what he wanted to do, what he wanted for himself. It's not like he'd earned the freedom, or any of this. His sense of direction had just been taken from him.

Something on the bed moved. Chazz looked over to see that Pharaoh had jumped off, and Jaden was now sitting on the edge of his bed.

"A few weeks ago, before you left to join North Academy, I watched you duel another student. Another Obelisk Blue, I think?" Jaden recalled. "It looked close for awhile, and for a turn or two you had your back up against the wall."

"Yeah, I remember that duel," Chazz replied. "I turned it around using Infernal Incinerator and Chthonian Blast. I didn't realize you were watching that duel."

"As if I'd miss one of The Chazz's duels." Jaden grinned at him. "But you still remember that duel. Even with everything you've been through since then. That duel just proved how good a duelist you are. Even when things looked bad for you, you never looked worried. Not even once. I saw you smile during your last turn, too. You looked like you were having fun."

"You must've imagined it. It should be pretty clear by now that I never dueled for fun," Chazz muttered. "Just world domination, or something like that."

"Well, what other people want you to do doesn't matter anymore." As if that wasn't Chazz's whole problem in the first place. "Did you have fun during that duel? Or anytime that we've dueled, did you ever have fun then?"

"I don't know."

"Alright, then." Jaden stood up. "If you're not sure about the past, let's focus on the present. Let's duel, you and me, right now. We'll have a duel where it doesn't matter what you want to do, or what anyone else thinks you should do. You can stay in bed all day if you win, but if I win, you have to come to class. And maybe by the end of it, you'll figure out the answer."

"If it'll get you out of my room? Fine, you're on."

Chazz went into the duel knowing he was going to lose. He hadn't beaten Jaden yet, and he honestly didn't expect to anytime soon, no matter what he might actually say. He knew he'd end up having to go to class after that duel. And true to expectations, he lost.

But Jaden didn't rub it in his face, or remind him about the conditions of their duel. Instead, he asked, "So, did you have fun?"

"Have fun?" Chazz repeated.

"Yeah, during the duel! Do you think you figured out if you like dueling or not?"

Chazz looked down at the cards in his hand, thought back to the last few turns of the duel. He hadn't been concerned about the outcome of the duel, because he'd already known how it would end. But, the more he thought about it, the more he realized this was the first duel where the outcome had never truly mattered to him at all. He'd been free to live in the moment, without worrying the whole time. And with all that pressure gone?

"You know, I think I actually did."

Chazz's path as a duelist had been laid out for him as long as he could remember. He was surprised to find that becoming a duelist was what he wanted for himself, too.

---

Charles “Chazz” Princeton was born into the Princeton family, a family bent on world domination. His older brothers had it all planned out, and his life had been determined for him before he’d been born.

They were going to conquer all matters of life: political, financial, dueling.

And that meant Chazz had to be the perfect little brother. No mistake could be tolerated.

Of course that applied to the dueling field, since dueling domination was the task that had been given to him. A loss for Chazz was a loss for the family, and they made sure he knew it.

But, no, dueling perfection wasn’t enough. Chazz had to be perfect in every aspect of his life. From the big things, including his own politics and finance, to the little things, like table etiquette.

Even table etiquette.

Chazz couldn’t even mess up at a dinner his family went out to (with other groups, of course, the Princetons could never just enjoy a meal together as a family) without being an embarrassment to the Princeton name.

So, by the age of five, Chazz was an expert in proper table etiquette. He knew about soup spoons and salad forks and what utensils to use when, what to do with them when he was done. He sat his napkin in his lap and knew how to elegantly wipe his mouth as he ate, making sure no crumb remained on his face.

He couldn’t do that much, either. By the time he finished eating, he usually ended up with something spilled in his lap, something all over his face. Was that normal for kids? He had no idea. He was never allowed to be normal.

He was only ever allowed to be perfect.

Then the script for his perfect life that he hadn’t been so perfect at had been ripped out of his hands, and he’d been kicked out of the production.

You could take the Chazz out of the Princetons, but training the Princeton out of Chazz was harder. He grew up that way, he didn’t know how to be anything else. Losing duels didn’t bother him quite as much anymore, but it stuck with him in little ways. His food preferences, the way he walked, the way he could only look at his future five steps ahead instead of looking at his next step, the way he ate.

Even the way he ate.

Chazz Princeton sat down in the Slifer cafeteria, surrounded by Jaden, Syrus, and Chumley, and sat his napkin in his lap and cut everything with a knife and fork, even the fried shrimp because getting his own hands dirty from food was unacceptable, and chewed as he stewed over his latest duel losses. Those losses still bothered him. Just not as much as they used to before.

No one really called him out on it. It’s probably what they expected from Obelisk Blues.

Then, one day, the Slifers were having soup for dinner. Chazz had gotten a bowl of it and was on his way to sit down when he tripped. His bowl fell, turned upside down, and his soup was all over the floor.

His first instinct was to locate something to clean it up with. A towel, paper towels, napkins if he was desperate. Get a new bowl of soup, act like it never happened.

Because he had to be perfect, right?

Rage that had been building up in Chazz for weeks now spilled over the edge as he stared at the soup covered floor.

He was so tired of trying to be perfect, because he wasn’t. Chazz wasn’t perfect! He could act like it and say he was all he wanted. But clearly he wasn’t, or he never would’ve ended up here, not like this. Perfect kids don’t get disowned by their families.

He was tired of trying to be perfect, and he was tired of acting like he was.

And the best way to stop being something he wasn’t was to throw his tray to the ground, take off his jacket, and use it like a towel to wipe up the soup.

...Wait, what?

He didn’t question it until he was already on the ground doing it. But now he was pretty sure that for a second there, he completely lost it. His own confusion drowned out the jeers and jokes from some of the people surrounding him (including Syrus).

But then he rolled with it. He finished cleaning up, put his jacket back on like it wasn’t drenched with soup, picked up his bowl and tray, and filled his bowl up with another serving of soup like none of that had just happened.

His brothers had wanted him to be a perfect, pristine child.

What better way to spit in their faces than to become a disgusting slob with no sense of hygiene?

This was the Chazz way now, and the world better get used to it.

#yugioh gx #tater writes #sworn my allegiance to magic queue

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xoxo--me · 6 years

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April Fool’s Post

I kind of forgot to post the April Fool’s chapter on Tumblr once I deleted it from A03. If anyone is unfamiliar, I basically just wrote the Reader into YuGiOh: the Abridged Series.These are just some vignettes/scenes.

Your eyes slowly fluttered open and you mumbled thanks to Téa for waking you up before class. You sat up and quickly used your sleeve to rub your mouth before anyone else saw the drool.

What a weird dream…

Looking around the classroom, you made sure that everything was as it should be. Yugi and Joey were playing Duel Monsters (and since it did not have any cool holograms, the game did not really matter to you), Tristan and Téa have gathered around, watching.

That weird white-haired kid was somewhere in the corner, or whatever. He was like some mentor in your dream.

Kaiba was reading a book.

Kaiba…

You furrowed your brows and studied him for a moment. Kaiba was obviously one of them forever alone types and you could not imagine him ever being remotely romantic.

But he did have lots of money. And that meant something to you.

Formulating a plan, you nodded to yourself. You were going to marry the sonnavabitch and have his fortune. Yes.

But other than your lifelong ambition, there was nothing really out of place. You were still a Japanese teenager with a Western name and inappropriate accent to contract with Joey’s equally inappropriate Brooklyn accent. Téa still sounded like a guy who was desperately trying to sound like a girl. And Tristan…

Tristan was still Tristan.

Perfectly normal.

You were pulled from your thoughts at Yugi addressing you.

“Are you even listening?” he asked. “Are you going to come and see the super special awesome chocolatey fudge-coated sugar-sprinkled mega ultra rare super card with us after school?”

The economy revolved around card games, so it sounded like a good adventure. But there was one problem.

“Don’t we have cram school?” you asked.

“Cram...school?” Joey asked, blinking in confusion.

“Cram school,” you repeated and looked at your friend’s confused expressions. “Are none of you guys looking to go to college?”

“Isn’t that adorable?” Yugi asked Tristan and Joey. “A woman, trying to learn.”

“Speaking of which,” Joey continued, “how is it that we’re friends again?”

It seemed as if everyone turned their heads to Joey at that exact moment in bewilderment

You never felt more offended in your entire life.

“You don’t remember?” you questioned. “We’ve been friends for years! I’m like the contrast to Téa especially because I’m voiced by a female. While Téa will constantly be called useless and universally hated by the fans for being a good friend, she will be labeled as a dirty whore for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Meanwhile, I’ll be the beloved female character who tries constantly to get into Kaiba’s pants and steal his fortune, but no one will think anything of it. Not only that, but I complete the Five-Man Band trope.”

As you continued, you pointed to each member of your group, announcing their roles. “Yugi’s obviously the leader. You, Joey, are the Lancer. Tristan is the Big Guy. I’m the Smart One, and Téa is the Chick. Duh”

“I do say, that is an interesting assessment, but what about me?” the white-haired guy with a British accent asked.

“Um...Who are you?” Yugi frowned.

“I’m Bakura. We’ve also been friends for years,” he insisted.

“Never heard of you,” Yugi waved a dismissive hand and turned back to his friends with a dramatic eye roll.

“Bye, future husband!” you called to Kaiba’s retreating back. He paused for a moment, looked back at you with a horrified expression before he began to walk faster towards the exit.

“That Kaiba kid needs to get laid,” Grandpa declared.

“Big time,” Tristan agreed.

Well geez, it was not as if you were not trying! This was your first day. Kaiba would come around…

Instead of being overly concerned that your two friends had just jumped overboard, you were more concerned with what you were missing on the Paint Drying Channel.

You were just going to remain huddled in the corner as a stowaway. After all, your hair was not even remotely crazy enough to be on this ship.

“I wonder if Tristan was really right about the sun coming up in a few hours…” you mused.

You were so pissed off at Joey right now. You thought you had been friends, but when he shoved you aside and challenged your future husband to a children’s card game instead of you in order to protect your honor…

Well!

“Kick his ass, babe!” you called out.

Joey gave you a thumbs up. You folded your arms like the petulant teenage girl you were. “Not you, him! Go Kaiba-babe~! <3”

Kaiba just ignored you.

That was fine, he could pretend you did not exist. You were in it for the long con.

Besides, you were going to raid the shit out of that helicopter once he left. That way, you could learn about him and trick him into liking you!

Or maybe you could ask Joey for driving lessons. If he could teach you how to drive, he could certainly teach you how to pilot a helicopter. After all, he totally owed you for stealing the spot as Kaiba’s most hated person.

Douche.

“Kaiba, wait!” you called out, running towards him dramatically. Looking at you, he seemed ready to just jump so he would not have to deal with your shit.

You decided not to risk it.

“Before Yugi kicks your ass again, could you do one thing?” you asked.

Kaiba closed his eyes before exhaling deeply. “What do you want?”

“Sign this,” you were not sure where you got it, but you were glad you had this. Just in case.

He snatched the paper from you and could not help but widen his eyes in surprise before he glared down at you. “A marriage form”

“Yes,” you confirmed. “If you’re going to kill yourself. Why not leave your fortune to someone who matters?”

Kaiba tossed the form over his shoulder and into the ocean.

"You shoulda just pushed him in the ocean," Joey said once you dejectedly rejoined your friends. "'Den your character might have been useful for once."

"Kaiba must die!" the Pharaoh proclaimed and the duel continued.

“What are you doing here, Mai?” Yugi asked once they found a familiar face in the virtual world one Seto Kaiba was being held in.

“I’ve been beta-testing this game for KaibaCorp?”

You only saw red and lunged at the harpie. Luckily for you, 4kids censored how badly

you got your ass handed to you.

Mokuba nearly darted for Kaiba the second he found him. Before the kid could get away (and get himself in trouble,) you grabbed a hold of his shoulder.

You were not going to have anyone unchain Kaiba. Not when he was so...vulnerable.

“Hold on a second,” you said to Mokuba. “This is obviously a trap. Let me handle this.”

As you approached, Kaiba turned his head away from you and refused to look at you. That was fine. You could play this game.

“Hey there,” you greeted in your best sultry voice. You put your hand under Kaiba’s chin, but he stubbornly fought against your attempt to force him to look at your sexy leather outfit. You even had a whip.

Undisturbed, you ran your finger down his jawline. “You realize that there is only one way you’re getting out of this, right?”

“Are we really just going to watch while she molests Kaiba?” Mai asked.

“Someone’s gotta do it. Might as well be the crazy bitch in leather,” Yugi answered.

“Um...You guys,” Mokuba tried but only was told to shut up in unison by everyone in the room. Including the Witty Phantom.

“We should probably do something about him, huh?” Joey asked while cracking his knuckles.

“If anyone asks, I never screamed and agreed to marry anyone,” Kaiba warned as soon as the virtual pods opened.

“I freakin’ hate filler arcs,” you muttered. “Nothing is ever canon.”

“Shouldn’t we be concerned about altitude sickness? Or like, hypoxia?” you asked the moment you stepped out of the elevator to the dueling field.

“Never question mein Führer!” one of the offensive stereotype bodyguards quipped.

“I’m too rich to be concerned about the lives of commoners,” Kaiba replied. He raised his voice so the others could hear him. “This is the ultimate test for duelists. At 20,000 feet, we are subjected to frigid temperatures of the upper stratosphere where the slightest bit of turbulence can send any of us spiraling to our untimely deaths.”

“I mean, shouldn’t we have oxygen tanks or something?” you continued, wondering what kind of doctor or legal team thought this would be a good idea. “At this altitude, we are getting only like, thirty percent of the oxygen we would on the ground and furthermore--”

“If you’re so concerned, then why don’t you save some of your oxygen and shut the f-ck up?” Kaiba snapped.

“...Hypoxia,” you muttered but the sound was lost in the wind gusts at such a high altitude.

“Oh please, what’s the worst that can happen?” Joey asked, slinging his arm around you and leading you away before Tristan could call you a witch for using such complicated language.

"Shouldn't we be wearing our space suits?" Tristan asked, not noticing any witchcraft, after all.

“Kaiba, he is about to interrupt the duel,” Mokuba warned.

“That’s fine, as long as no one looks at my boner right now,” Kaiba replied while looking up at the Egyptian God card.

“How is it that he is able to have a boner while wearing pants that tight?” you asked out loud.

“Ah-ha! I always knew Kaiba had an extremely small penis!” the Pharaoh laughed much to Kaiba’s chagrin.

When the blimp hit the water, you all lost your balance and went hurling in random directions. Unfortunately for you, it meant a six-foot tall teenager in a heavy coat and buckles toppled right on top of you.

“Is that all you got Poseidon?” Joey challenged.

“Stop pissing Poseidon off, Joey!” Since Kaiba was pretty much laying on top of you, it made it so you had no idea who that came from, but were pretty sure it was Téa.

“I know you don’t want to die a virgin, but at least buy me a drink first, you groaned since more than one of Seto’s buckles was digging right into your side.

It took Kaiba a few tries to stand up, but not without touching your boobs. By the time he faced the green-haired plot device on the screen, his face was uncharacteristically red.

Kaiba REALLY needed to get laid...

Mokuba pushing Seto into a hole made it so he was knocked back into you, causing all three of you to fall into the same hole.

Fuck your life, you wanted to ride the hole with Yugi. His bullshit main character powers would have protected you.

You now had no choice but to follow Kaiba and Mokuba around while they went through their past. It took less than half a second before Kaiba used Mokuba’s vest to blindfold you.

“At least buy me a drink first,” you muttered while Mokuba dragged you along their childhood memories.

You really wish you were with your actual friends. They were probably having more fun than you were.

Little did you know…

“Can I take off my blindfold now?” you questioned when you heard the fight between Tristan and Kaiba.

“I always knew Kaiba was into some kinky shit. Duke Devlin approves.” With the theme music, you knew exactly who said that.

“Hi Duke,” you greeted in the direction the music was coming from.

“Hey babe. Lookin’ good. But I think you would look better with all of that clothing on the floor.”

After Kaiba started getting his ass kicked by a guy with a stick and Joey had to use Tackle, you decided you were just going to take the blindfold off.

You did so just in time to see Mokuba getting kidnapped. Kaiba then grabbed your wrist to drag you off to grab another motorcycle.

“Eat it, nerds!” Kaiba called out while racing past your friends.

“Okay, when did this show get awesome ?” Yugi asked.

“Couldn’t you have left me with my friends?” you called over the roar of the motorcycle’s engine. You would hang on for dear life, but were kind of afraid to wrap your arms around Kaiba. You might contract Virginitis.

“You have Mokuba’s vest,” Seto retorted. “That and you know too much about my childhood. I can’t possibly risk you telling that to Joey. Or Yugi. Especially Yugi.”

You thought a moment. “Maybe just pay me not to tell anyone? Like a normal person?”

“What about trying to marry me?” Kaiba asked. “Isn’t that the only part of your character?”

“Oh, yeah. That. I kind of forgot about that,” you admitted. “It’s been awhile since Season One, so that idea got axed since it’s more entertaining for us to have a hateboner for each other.”

“It’s not that big of a hateboner,” Kaiba grumbled.

“Kaiba,” you called. “My crotch is pretty much right against your ass at this point because I don’t want to fall off this bike and die. I have seen your erection through your leather pants. I think I know a thing or two about hateboners at this point.”

Silence.

“So you have no interest in me whatsoever?” Kaiba was not ready to let this subject drop. “That was all you used to talk about.”

“If I am going to be perfectly honest, you have been kind of a little bitch. That’s kind of a turn-off for me. Also, most of our problems are your fault.”

Duelist Kingdom was because Kaiba cared about a card more than his company and that created the mess with the Big 5. If Kaiba never hosted a tournament, then Marik would not be that much of a problem. If Kaiba did not kill his stepfather, then you would not be trapped in this virtual world.

Again.

“That, and your outfit has kind of sucked since Duelist Kingdom. I just can’t take you seriously anymore...But we can still be friends, right?”

Kaiba was silent and you were pretty sure he wanted to turn you into road kill. Instead, he fiddled with the radio until his theme music came on.

Yeah, he was lame. Maybe you would be attracted to him during the Grand Prix arc. Men in suits were hot.

You barely had time to think before Kaiba leaped over a gap and crashed the bike. You both skidded and once again, fell into a compromising position.

This time, he quickly leaped to his feet and brushed himself off.

“So you mean you’ll tag team duel with Yugi, but you won’t tag team with me?” you demanded.

Kaiba just stared at you until you realized what you said.

“Oh right. I’m doing phrasing now.”

“Phrasing,” Kaiba retorted.

At least Leichter was patient enough to wait while you two talked. Truly, he was a southern gentleman

During that exchange, you were in the middle of choosing your deck master. N’tss was an obvious option but was too much of a spoiler. So you were going to have to go with Fencing Fire Ferret. Because you were a girl and it was cute.

“God, I hate cute,” Kaiba shook his head when you first selected him.

“Lord of D ?” you questioned. “Like you’re not compensating for anything?”

“Boy, I say boy. I do declare that you just got told,” Leichter retorted.

“Thank you, Leichter. I’m glad someone around here had manners,” you beamed.

Good thing your deck was full of Internet memes and references. Leichter did not stand a ghost of a chance.

You were both losing.

“Oh hey, Kaiba. Are you losing so bad that you needed a girl to help you out?” Yugi asked.

Kaiba fumed.

“Did you already lose so bad and you are too shy to admit it?” Yugi continued. “It’s okay, because I already beat you enough times that you losing is just natural.”

“I never lose!” Kaiba declared before you had to suffer through another flashback. During this, you saw what he was doing and nodded in approval.

Revenge of the nerds: the memes strike back.

“Hashtag: Winning.” Kaiba declared once Leichter destroyed himself.

Téa was beginning to worry everyone, she sounded hornier than you. And that was saying something.

“It’s really disconcerting,” Yugi mused.

“You guys, I’m fine….But I think my mouth tastes like fish!” Téa blanched.

“Those are...very nice,” Kaiba said while looking down at Téa’s breasts. “But I am not interested. I going after Noa on my own terms.”

“But does he have these?” Téa questioned, holding her arms out so her breasts were thrust in front of her.

“God, I hope not,” Kaiba concluded.

Before you could grab the nearest projectile and eviscerate your only female friend, Joey and Duke held you back. Normally, you would be happy to be held down by two good-looking guys, but you were going to murder Téa.

It took the Pharaoh insisting that no one wanted Téa’s body before you calmed down. Which was good since Joey kind of needed his hands-free in order to duel.

You spent the majority of the duel insisting that you were just trying to protect Yugi by

ensuring Téa hit on no one else but Yugi.

Just listening to Kaiba insult and make fun of a dead ten-year-old. It showed how much of an asshole he was.

And yet...watching him get turned into stone hurt more than you could ever imagine.

...Dear God, you were in love.

Wait.

Did Kaiba drop his wallet?

You decided to just ignore the touching reunion between the Kaiba brothers. After all, you were not going to let Kaiba think that you were happy to see that he wasn’t permanantely a statue within a virtual world designed for a dead ten year-old.

Also, you were not going to be anywhere near him when your friends inevitably ratted on you by telling Kaiba you stole his wallet.

You really wanted some nachos and you were pretty sure that your parents were going to ground you the moment you got back home. Which meant no nachos for you.

You decided to just ignore the touching reunion between the Kaiba brothers. After all, you were not going to let Kaiba think that you were happy to see that he wasn’t stone.

Also, you were not going to be anywhere near him when your friends inevitably ratted on you by telling Kaiba you stole his wallet.

You really wanted some nachos and you were pretty sure that your parents were going to ground you the moment you got back home. Which meant no nachos for you.

#Black Magic and White Rum

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