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cosettefauchelevente · 2 years

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I hope this doesn't break your ask rules. I don't know where/who else to ask this. This sounds so stupid but I feel like I have no where to go. Radfems, conservatives and the left all have their own brand of lesbophobia. When it comes to dating I'm so scared I won't find a girl who is "normal" in that she isn't deep into any queer politics. I feel my dating pool is limited due to that and wanting to date another gs lesbian like myself. All of this has me pretty depressed. Any advice? Thank you.

if you're willing to swipe through a sea of crap, there are normal people on dating apps. one of my mutuals found someone on tinder last year who was not only normal, but her type, after days of talking about finding nothing but men listing themselves as women, straight couples looking for a lesbian to have a threesome with, and other weirdos (it didn't work out between them, but that's not the point). if you don't want to go down the route of swiping and swiping till you match with someone decent and have a bit of money to spare, you could buy a paid dating app. this will weed out the people who are just there to see how many likes they can get or who just want a hook-up, etc (apparently there's going to be a gc lesbian dating app called club monocle coming out soon. of course I've never used it, but from what I've read they verify that you're a real woman via video before you can make an account, which sounds promising. it's available right now, but it's currently only for friendships, I believe. there's also one called giggle that scans your face to make sure you're a woman first. again, never tried it).

if you don't want to try online dating, my advice would be to go outside and talk to people. i know that sounds obvious but it's the best advice. put yourself out there, take up a lot of different hobbies, join some a lot of clubs, say yes to every event you're invited to. that way, you'll meet a lot of different people, some of whom will be people you connect with. I met every girl I've been involved with organically without even thinking I would meet anyone i hit it off with, they just occasionally appear if you know a lot of people. even if you can't get a date, you'll still make some friends and have some stories to tell.

you could try downloading an app called meetup. it's not a dating app, but one for finding people in your area with similar hobbies and interests. I'm in a book club and a cinema club for my city on there, but they have all sorts of clubs for different activities on there, sewing circles, hiking clubs, cooking clubs, music clubs, etc, and lgbt societies as well. if you're looking for other lesbians than I'd suggest joining a meetup group for lgbt people. of course there might be weirdos in it, but it's an idea.

you actually could try instagram as well! i used to run a lesbian account a few years ago that had 15k followers, and occasionally i would make posts for people to meet each other. i would provide a format for people to fill out in the comments (first name, age and age range they were interested in dating, general area, hobbies and interests, and other info like that), and people who were interested in them would reply to them with an emoji and then they would have to talk to each other in dms. I used to get comments all the time of people saying they met their girlfriends on my posts, which was so cool 🥺. im not involved with the lesbian side of instagram at all these days, so idk if these speed dating posts are still a thing, but other accounts used to do them as well. if you follow a few lesbian pages on there you might run into one. or if you're brave you could just slide into someone's dms.

apparently gyms are a good place to meet lesbians? I haven't had much luck in my dudebro-packed local gym, but I feel like I read about gym lesbians all the time on the internet. or you could maybe try joining a sports team. if you meet a girl that pings you in the gym, you could try asking her to help you use the equipment to try and get to know her. join some outdoorsy clubs, go kayaking or fishing, find a diy club if there's one around (and bring man repellent).

if you have lesbian or bisexual friends, hang out in their circles sometimes. most of the time ssa people have a good chance of knowing other ssa people. I met my last ex through friends, and she was totally normal (until wattpad got to her rip).

that's my advice done. the last time I was actively dating was in 2019, so I asked some mutuals in case anyone had more up to date advice, and the responses were:

"My only advice is that the more requirements you have, the smaller your pool gets. But it's okay. I really only want masculine women, I have a STRONG preference for other lesbians, I don't wanna be annoyed constantly with any politics at all. And y'know, I find women who meet those standards. Maybe I'll run out of women, but I'd rather be single than have something I don't want. It's a bit depressing to think about, but y'know, we'll all probably find somebody."

"Oh boy this will be A Lot but this is basically everything I've either heard or learned:

Do things you enjoy, being normal and also open about your beliefs and eventually you will either gravitate towards the right woman or she will gravitate towards you. Be honest about what/who you are: you are a lesbian who does not believe a lesbian would ever have sex with men. Hang out with normal people and act not necessarily loud or outspoken but just honest if and when it comes up. But a big component is going to normal things. For example, since you don't like queerios, it's probably not a good idea to go to events where they congregate expecting to find that one other normal lesbian who's there hoping for the same thing. It's just not realistic because 9 times out of 10 people hang around people who are like them/share their beliefs. Especially in the current climate. Btw if youre into "not normal" things your search will be much harder tbh. Widen your chances of finding a normal woman by doing normal things as often as possible (ofc things you actually like/would like to try).

Also talk to anyone and everyone you can/want. This is the hardest if you are shy/introverted/anxious etc but it's the only way. Lesbians are ~1% of the population so you need to literally hunt for her. Your dating pool is limited but knowing what you like and not budging on your standards is admirable, not depressing. If you budge on your standards you'll find Something but it won't be what you like and you will have to accept that by either A) caving and compromising B) realizing this isnt for you and getting the fuck out lol."

"tell her to join a gym. normal lesbians love lifting."

"Being outspoken is essential. It's hard if you're shy or tend to be anxious around new people or when stating your opinions, but you won't find what you're looking for if you don't do it (or you might think you have, but as [name] said, two months in they introduce you to their TIM 'lesbian' bff).

It's not easy and not instantaneous, it is tedious and lonely most of the time, but you got to think that it's going to be worth it. Meanwhile, trying to at least befriend like-minded people (lesbians or not) is a nice thing to do, because it will allow you to expand your social circle in the right direction. Don't consider settling an option, and don't lower your standards, but be open-minded towards the type of woman you're looking for.

Try to find hobbies and join groups related to things you like doing that you'd like any future gf to share with you, and check out whether there's lesbian groups in your area involved in it (apparently that's easier if you lift laugh, but there's at least some lesbians with other hobbies) (ps, a ton of those lesbians will turn out to not be lesbians, but that doesn't mean it's applicable for 100% of them)

As for how depressing it is...yeah, we've all been there. It sucks, but unfortunately it's like that. We're too few and too spread out, but even then you're not alone in that loneliness."

"Piggybacking off what [name] said, let me emphasize that expanding your social circle is key ! It doesn't mean you have to become bffs with every single person you're ever within 2 feet of, it just means being friendly/polite/cordial/likeable enough to make connections with people which create options for more connections with more people and so on. Eventually you will ether meet a lesbian or meet someone who knows someone who knows someone who is a lesbian AND she will be perfect for you"

"My main advice is to for her to stay true to who she is and she will attract who fits and weed out who doesn’t. As long as she doesn’t pretend to believe in gender bullshit, her chances of having a gf that does is fairly low and it does increase her chances of finding one that agrees with her. It can be scary to think about, especially with how prevalent it is online and in some real world areas, but there will always be a woman that agrees with her. Getting out, having hobbies and connecting with people with similar interests also helps a lot."

hope this helps!

#ask #long post #anon

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