#rainingdownonthesystem

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Unpopular opinion 😒

"System", when referring to people is a term specifically meant for DID and OSDD-1.... if you want to try to claim that your "endo" or whateverthefuck We can't stop you, obviously, but /please/ get your own god damn term to use that isn't connected to my trauma disorder... weather you want to accept it or not, it's not the same. It's just not. Get your own space...

#actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #Tommy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #endogenic systems

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Anyone else get that paranoid feeling™ where like they know they're paranoid but it doesnnnttt helppppp???????

#pseriouslyparanoid #pseriouslypsychosis #dissociative identity disorder #jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem

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Real talk - TW for swearing

~ Tommy I haven't slept in 2 days [inside to be clear... the body has gotten sleep. Maybe not a bunch and probably not enough but I know for a fact it has]... there's so much shit going on right now and with two [2] littles in OtherSide there's commotion and stress and everyone is freaking out. Word has it Hayden willingly left for OtherSide which I think was a stupid fucking idea and why on earth Rain didn't like safety lock her in her room is beyond me -_- Shits getting weird and were realizing a lot more than we expected to in this short a timespan. There's a lot to process. So naturally I'm over here crazy tired but physically unable to sleep and my psychotic ass is having a feild day [week] of *fun new and now in 4k high-definition™* hallucinations and delusions and word has it my paranoia is leeching over to a lot of the usual fronters... Because everyone loves a cherry topper to go with there shit ice cream-trauma bowl.....

#actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #Tommy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #pseriouslypsychosis

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Being able to sleep would be great.... aaaanny second now... please?

#jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem

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Dissociation hasn't been treating us well today :( I honestly can't tell if the blurring that's been happening like most all of tonight is making me aware of psychotic symptoms from excess stress, or if it's trauma related specifically... I'm calling my therapist today, per my boyfriend's request. I really do think he's got the right idea about doing so... I'm hoping to work in an extra appointment very soon, that he can be included in. He always brings a lot of good insight, and being our current state, I think it's extra important so that he can bring up the things I'm forgetting or just not even noticing/ unaware of.

#jinxy speaks #actually dissociative #dissociative identity disorder #rainingdownonthesystem

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Idk how to TW this :(

He didn't send that he dindt send that he didn't send that he didn't send that it's all in your head it's all in your head it's all in your head it's all in your head you're making it up there was nothing there pleaseeee........ There was nothing there What have I done what has he done what have we done what was done no the picture was blank there was nothing to see the picture was black there was nothing to find you're making stuff up you're making stuff up you're making stuff up you're seriously messed up Hurt me hurt me HURT ME break me just make me go away make it all go away please help what's wrong with us

#my stomach hurts #please let me forget this and find it when I no longer will care #dissociative identity disorder #I can't think strait #I'm just paranoid this is all my fault it's all in my head #I don't know who I am #i want to dissapear #rainingdownonthesystem

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I'm scared. It's going to hurt

#omg sad.... #this must have been from #Hayden #she had been talking to my bf #But she usually writes or uses a speaking app on our phone #Bc she won't talk out loud... #she's embarrassed by her stutter #and they were talking about inside stuff #things aren't going well obviously #I'm not ready to deal with all of the new information coming up #things innerworld are a lot more complex than originally understood #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #jinxy speaks #Hayden speaks #rainingdownonthesystem

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Ok apparently

Def not done writing thoughts going a million miles an hour even though I'm pretty sure I've managed to float out of my clothes (I know I haven't, just real spacey... Lol ya know what pun intended I'm claiming that ish...) Surprisingly our psychosis hasn't been very bad at all the last few weeks that I can remember, I'm wondering if Tommy just hasn't been very close to front at all lately?? (He has the worst of the psychosis nd often when things get super stressful he gets triggered out or closer to front at least more often so the symptoms get worse. But I think personally ice only really delt wirh small amounts of not even quite occasional paranoia but can't recall any recent delusions or hallucinations, so that's nice... though now I am wondering how Tommy is doing :/ I need to check in.... Like I'm really hoping when I eventually switch in tonight( and by tonight I mean this morning it's already after 5am... shit) assuming I do before I wall asleep and a couple others are awake, I'm hoping I am actually there and not just stuck behind the amnesiac wall so I can properly check in not just through Amanda, cuz a lot of this stuff just isn't appropriate for her to have to play middle man for...i hate doing that anyway... it's not as dependable as just talking to someone face to face, or directly in some other way at leasr.. Ok I think I'm actually done this time.. - Jinxy

#jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydissociative #vent

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why is typing/texting suddenly so much easier than writing why am i suddenly so incapable of picking up my pens and putting them to paper these thumbs are nearly as useless to me...

#rainingdownonthesystem #??????

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I don't wanna eat I don't wanna talk I don't wanna eat I don't wanna talk I can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep can't sleep don't eat I don't wanna talk don't eat I don't wanna talk I'm dirty disgusting don't wanna eat not sure I can talk

#rainingdownonthesystem #?????

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Also I think someone is coming out at night occasionally, like once a week-ish occasionally, and abusing the body... I keep waking up feeling like I've been run over by a train, finding bruising all over me. My spine/back is constantly bruised, as well as my arms and sometimes legs :/ and my neck is finally feeling better after two weeks of pain that continued to get worse until the day before and day of my chiropractor appointment, like I could barely move it, was taking two alieve (per day) and icing it multiple times a day.. and couldn't sleep at night/in the morning because the pain was waking me and keeping me up... and my chiro was saying it was seriously messed up, which I guess according to everyone else in my house who sees him all say if HE is saying that, it must have been REAL bad. On top of all this ***TRIGGER WARNING*** This next bit I'm bringing up stuff relating to genitals and masturbation.... I've been really sore.... down there... Like today (yesterday technically now) I woke up sore and swollen........ this is by far not the first time, so I think whoever is coming out and abusing the body is.. doing stuff down there too... I. Brought it up to my bf for the first time this time though, it's definitely something I've been really embarrassed about... he was actually really relaxed about it and mentioned that maybe now would be the time to buy a specific toy I've been considering getting for 2 years now. My worry is that it's $80... that's a LOT of money to spend on a single item that I'm not even sure will get be be/want to be used regularely/often...

#jinxy speaks #dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #tw #rainingdownonthesystem

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My bf said (earlier, like around our dinner time) that I've been really switchy today, which although this doesn't surprise me, and normally wouldn't be of concern... It is??? Idk we're going through a LOT right now, as I had said a couple days ago or whenever.. id still rather not go into much detail, at least nothing more than I had already said, and idk maybe in the future I'll change my mind on how much I wanna share, but the outter world stuff has been super personal and absolutely not something I feel would be appropriate to share online due to its nature. All I will say is that it involves family... 'nuf said... As for innerworld stuff.... idk I need to vent but I don't even know where to start or what is even appropriate to talk about outside of the system. With one of my last couple big posts I had talked about how a persecutor had taken a little into a different section quite suddenly and most likely knowing her nature somewhat violently... Well that little is still over in OtherSide, and now I guess another younger/little who had gotten from OtherSide into our section, which doesn't happen often, was telling my bf she needs to go back for a few days???? I don't wanna say too much, again I don't know what all should be shared outside of system and I don't want to risk anyone getting in trouble but tdlr; the information that my bf got that he passed onto me is extremely concerning for multiple reasons and is freaking me out and I'm not prepared to deal woth all of this :( There's too much happening too fast... I can barely process what's happening out here (If you can call blatant acceptance without concern processing............. -_- ...) how am I expected to deal with all the shit that's simotaniously going on inside too???!!!! BODY, BRAIN wth are you dooiinnhggggg??????

#dissociative identity disorder #actually dissociative #jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem

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Lol

So after last night's (this early morning before I went to sleep) ramblings I did indeed have therapy and my therapist did indeed enjoy (probs not the proper word considering a lot of the content, but I digress) what was written and that there's at least some semblance of processing happening, even if honestly I'm pretty far from all of that now... Idk it's a lot... everything going on right now is just a lot. Yeah.

#jinxy speaks #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydissociative #rainingdownonthesystem

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Not gunna lie (a sorta update turned long rambley and dissociative

Crap's been bad. Stressful and hard are the best ways to describe the last 3(?) ish months... It seems like just as everything gets back to "normal" something else comes up... The vast majority has been external stress and happenings. Now though, certain things are transferring to internal bs too and there's literally nothing anyone of us can do about it. Our probably lowest functioning alter in our section was apparently just starting to make sounds, from what I understand there wasn't really anything close to words but sounds alone are a big deal for her. Well somehow word of this got to a persecutor - I really am not comfortable naming anyone here...idk it's all really personal and still really fresh so, yeah, you guys understand... - anyway our persecutor got a hold of her and brought her back to the section over, which none of us /but/ this particular alter has access to (unless she brings you there herself.. obviously) which is REAL damn concerning bc she won't tell anyone - including my bf who she's got a good relationship/trust with (or at least it seems.. idk I'm really sketched out by this tbh) - why/ for what purpose she brought her over there, or anyyyy details surrounding it besides just "it's Otherside stuff, don't worry about it" or hella vague statements like that... (Otherside is the name of the section over from... us? Lol idk how to word it, I don't wanna say "main section" but like???? We literally just call the section we're all in "Inside", the whole of the inner space is called "inner world" like.. 'normal' to differentiate, even though it's super close.. basically we've never been able to agree on a name for our section) Anywayyyy the worry is abuse happening innerworld/ Otherside more specifically based on what we know of her and Otherside.. I'd have to check the dates cuz I'm not 100% positive, but I'm fairly sure this all lines up with some intense and sudden family stress that I don't plan on going into due to contents of it.. idk why I feel the need to explain myself... pretty sure anyone following me who bothers to read all this will probably understand how sensitive content can be difficult/ triggering for both the writer and reader.. this is a damn DID system blog for fucks sake. But point being I'm super concerned for what this could mean, especially as far as unraveling trauma, because tbh I've basically been avoiding that like the plague in therapy... like I'm a crazy curious person by nature, and I want to learn all there is to learn, but am also like a pro at deflecting emotion and (trying to remember how my therapist says it and failing apparently lol) - I legit give up on the end of this sentence I've been trying to figure out the words or even remember for the last like 5mins but I'm tired and starting to dissociate and ughhhhhhhhh....... this is annoying but I just really want to be able to finish my vent... So attempting to continue on... I'm like no good at accepting/ dealing with trauma or anything when presented with it - except occasionally when it's presented purely as fact and void of emotional backing, intent or charge.. lol - which is part of why my bf and I work so well together, were both lower empathy so we often step back and speak theoretically and non emotionally which works really well for us especially when problem solving and stuff. Ok but I've lost track of what I was trying to say again. But I'm keeping all this cuz it's helping me process I think so I can hopefully stop thinking myself in circles RIGHT ok trauma work.. yeah I'm scared shitless of it even though some sick part of me desperately wants to know... And pieces of things are starting to fall together a lot quicker than I would like all of a sudden and too many things are fitting logically together to come up with a most and more than likely scenario of early life events that was only really theorized by me until now and idk that I'm ready to accept this it's too damn much too quick like I had my ideas but I also kinda thought it was all bullshit and nothing would come of it and I'd just be a stupid and crazy young adult with differing issues than originally suspected but I think that's exactly the "cover up" if that makes any sense. It's my safety screen because I'm too much of a p*ssy to face up to any of it... Whelp... congratulations Tumblr... you've officially seen my thought process in writing as I slowly dwindle into dissociation and an existential crisis simultaneously... that's just great.... I'm not deleting any of this tho because I want the record of it tomorrow so I can get it down on paper or something... My therapist is gunna love this lol (like in the sense that she'll approve of me looking emotionally at events and such and communicating them.. at least I hope so?? Hi Stace!!!! lol it's me from the past!!! F*ckin trippy! K but seriously do you approve cuz now I'm paranoid and probs might cry but actually also probably not... just sayin) Guys Idk how to deal with this... imma be honest I'm freaking tf out by everything happening all around me. Like now I can't escape it regardless of where I go - not that that matters because amnesia is still being a regular bitch which I blame on the constant stress???? Does anyone else have that problem??? Amnesia getting worse while more stressed I mean, not just like switching more or something, specifically forgetting any switch. Cuz for a while communication was getting better and now it's gotten worse again.... Normal? Anyone?! ALSOooooooo I'm going through a phase of remembering my dreams right now and with all the stress (and how vivid they always are anyway) they've gotten extra weird and uncomfortable and are pulling ideas from like every corner of our waking life and meshing them together into confusing and jagged (that's not the word but the closest approximation I can make right now) dreammares... like they're not quite nightmares but they leave us with this sense of unease for sureeee... I could still hear the small child from my dream screaming for like 5mins after I woke up... (in the head, not like a hallucination) which leads me to believe it was possibly actually coming from somewhere inside but I don't really have a good way to confirm that and again with the whole curious bit a pussy thing I kinda don't wanna knowww.............. but I do but I really don't but I also do so like... fucking send help???/!!!?!?!?!? K I'm don't writing I'm a fucking mess and I can't tell my ceiling from a sea cave right now... -Jinxy

#jinxy speaks #rainingdownonthesystem #update #dissociativeidentitydisorder #actuallydissociative