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jhaymyneutron · 4 years

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6 years ago, I experienced my biggest failure, or what I thought to be the biggest. I failed a subject that wouldnt let me stay in the course that I was in during that time. I was so depressed that things werent going the way i wanted it to be. It wasnt how i planned it in my mind.

Failing that subject means that I will be having a hard time shifting to the course that i really wanted to be in. (i was in nursing that time, and I planned to shift to PT in the same university) No one will take a Transcript with a singko. Well, atleast that college in the university that i was in. I had zero idea on what to do with my life, I had nothing for myself. I can no longer stay in nursing because I cant proceed with the cut off system because i had 1 singko (also i really didnt want to lol) I only had 2 choices, either I shift to another course that is not PT or leave my dream university and pursue PT in a different school. I didnt like both so I didnt do anything. I was a mess.

Some would say, if you dont want to leave that university then you shouldve just shifted in another course.

My 2 cents:

Nursing wasnt my cup of tea and I failed because no matter how hard i try to study, things werent just working out for me. It isnt just for me exactly.

Therefore, if i chose to go to another one that i didnt like to be in, in the first place, then I wouldve just repeated the same story but im just in a different uniform.

and so I told my parents, I needed a break. I wanted to find myself and think about what i really want to do. I stopped attending college for a year. But i never heard anything dull from my parents. They just smiled at me and said “go ahead. Do what you need to do”

For a year, I did things for myself. Things happened. I had a roller coaster ride of unexpected scenarios, that luckily I was present and I was able to cover for it because I was on a hiatus. A lot of times i felt useless and “patapon” in that 365 days but there are days that I suddenly realize, aside from trying to find myself, I took a hiatus for some unknown reasons and it was already showing up one by one.

Failing and reflecting was new to me, I realized i felt so entitled even when i dont deserve it. Ive been living as a “what i see is what i get” and it wasnt healthy for me, not even for everyone.

The thing is, UST is my dream school and I dont want to leave UST, but also I couldnt stay. Ive been so stubborn, and it only gave me heartaches because what i want wont always work. I’ve reflected so much, and I asked myself a hundred times, will I really just let myself have this heartache, randomly cry at night and think that im not good enough? When I already have the answer in front of my face and all i have to do is explore new environment and have the courage to take it? And so i left.

I went to a school that i never saw, in a place that i was trying to avoid my whole life because it is damn far. But what kept me going? I started with a boring and uninteresting days, weeks and months in this school. But eventually, i met the most welcoming and undesrtanding people in my life. I had this genuine happiness that I wasnt able to get in my former school, in here, I felt that I belong. Professors were accomodating and remembers our name, even asks us how were doing everyday in the hallways. It was more than a community.

After 4 years, I never failed saying “buti nalang lumipat ako” “i went through all those sad times, to get this super saya experience with the realest barkada”. I met people who accepted me not because they were just simply open but because they feel the same. I even met someone who gave me so much to remember, crazy. Funny twists of fate.

Exactly a year ago. I failed a subject. For the first time in 4 years. One subject that held me in becoming an intern. One subject that separated me from my friends. I cried upon getting the results of my exams. The first time my friends saw me cry, i was bawling my eyes and pouring my heart out in the quiet halls of UG. I was crying, not because I failed, but because i cannot picture myself telling my parents that I failed one subject. I am ashamed to be giving them another burden, when im already at the age of giving them the life they deserve.

I cried and cried, until i finally gave my mom a call. I was nervous, but I had to do it.

“Hello?” My mom answered. I was crying silently and cannot utter a word. “Hello? Jhaymy?” i sniffed a of couple times and my mom figured out i wasnt okay. “Bakit ka umiiyak?” I was biting my tongue while i was sitting in the corner of an empty hallway. I couldnt talk but my mom didnt forced me, she was just at the other line listening silently while im crying. Finally, I told my mom “ma.... sorry. Bumagsak ako ng isang subject” i started letting my mom hear my cry. I kept saying sorry that i couldnt count it anymore. I heard my mom telling my dad why i was crying. My dad simply shouted for me to hear. “Okay lang yon!!!! Isa lang yon!” My mom got mad at, because i kept saying sorry “tigilan mo yang kaka sorry mo. Okay lang yon!!! Wag ka na umiyak jan. Okay lang yon, umuwi ka na wag ka na umiyak jan”, my sisters overseas called me and said “its okay, its normal” “but ate, i want to help you in providing already” “jhaymy, its okay. Kaya pa namin. Dalawa kami. Mag aral ka muna mabuti at okay lang yan. Okay lang kami”.

Months passed, i bid goodbye to my friends and sent them to internship, i felt sad but I realized I wasnt ready. I dont know anything. My supposed to be patients doesnt deserve me. I know nothing. And when I repeated another year, I understood everything. I asked myself where I was the whole time the other year. Totally absent minded.

When i went for another year, i met different people. People whom i never thought Id vibe with. My 4th year season 2, gave me so much learnings, and gave me a chance to build new friendships. This year, I met someone who gave me a different vibe. You know who you are, and if youre reading this im probably gonna be shy, but oh well im just stating facts. Never had the chance to say this to you but, thank you. You made me think that im not always the wrong one and that i was patient. Thanks for letting me have a crush on you hahahahahaha i dont know how long this will take but youre really hard to forget hahahahahahah. Bye. And so if i didnt take another year, I wouldnt have met this great person and i have never been more thankful.

My last cent, whatever happens, it happens for a reason. You may not instantly know why it had to, but one day you will be able to say why it did. And you will smile like a fool for realizing that you took a different way somewhere over the years. but finally, you came in to the perfect place.

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