#she was very cool about it tho it's a low pressure job I just felt bad bc she was all alone and it was lonely hahahahaha | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oh-for-fic-sake · 4 years

Text

Safe And Sound? More Like Safe And Bred.

Masterlist

Warnings: Adult situations 18+ Smut, Attempted Rape, Breeding kink, swearing, A/B/O and all the posessive bs that goes with it 👍

A/n This was intended to be darker but sort of changed as I was writing? Yeah I'm very happy with it tho considering its my first A/B/O. As always enjoy😘

Clark has been driven wild by an omega's scent.

Safe And Sound? More Like Safe And Bred

There it was again. That fucking scent. Clark groaned and took a deep breath in unconsciously ,smelling it, tasting the air on his tongue, wanting to lap up the delicious scent. It tasted like maple syrup yet smelt completely different fresh and succulent like cool spring air. Young and new. Ripe. He shuddered at the thought. It was driving him wild like no other, normally he could block them out but not this one No,six weeks .Six. Fucking. Weeks he had been teased by it coming into the daily planet.

There was an omega here somewhere, he almost felt jealous of the others weaker senses, they had caught faint whiffs of it asking Perry about it who told them none to polity to 'back off' and that it shouldn't cause a problem due to where they was stationed no one should be able to smell them up here. But Clark did. He had to endure it constantly day in day out. The scent was always worse in the lobby where everyone entered the building. Each morning he came in scanning the people around him looking for a new face, more desperate each day to find the omega.

After enduring the scent for so long he was determined to find the culprit. To find his omega. He swore at that ,they wasn't his, he couldn't allow it.. . He couldn't claim them. Afraid of hurting them, it was true that alphas couldn't bare the thought of hurting an omega, actually against the law to cause any harm emotional or otherwise to an omega. It'd be to easy for him to accidentally harm them, one slip of concentration and that could be it.

So he had resigned himself to never claim one, tho he couldn't help his instincts that screamed for him to find them. To mount and breed them. so he still found himself searching the lobby everyday as he came and went. Sighing as he walked to the elevator not finding them once again disappointment ran through him he shook his head taking one last gulp of air trying to capture the scent he stepped in the elevator.

Just as he went to close the doors he smelt them. He saw her. Other alphas were sniffing around her as she walked past them through the lobby head down watching her feet as she scurried quickly across the space heading for a door that he knew lead to the mail room below she faltered quickly bringing her head up scanning the crowd before catching him looking at her. She gulped as she locked eyes on him then all but flung herself past the door out of sight. The doors closed but he stood frozen. She had seen him.

His chest swelled. His omega had looked at him. She wanted him, her alpha. For a second he stood shocked then quickly threw himself at the buttons smashing the open door button willing it to open and let him go and find her, alas it was to late he was already scaling the building to his floor. He took a breath closing his eyes picturing her She was gorgeous, around average height dark auburn nearly brown hair piled atop her hair in a messy bun she was slim. But not to slim and had and hourglass shape wide hips. Meant for breeding. Fuck. And her eyes a dark hazel freckles dusting her face. He clenched his hand around the briefcase he held, as images of mating her, knotting her took hold he grunted hearing a crunch as the hard plastic handle gave under the pressure.

He swore. No he couldn't risk it risk her. The doors opened revealing the office he panted a few breaths trying to compose himself he walked through the office to his desk dropping into his seat running his palms across his face smoothing his hair back before dropping them by his sides.

Lois approached him warily seeing him tensed and almost flighty. If she didn't know any better she'd have said he was entering a rut, but she wasn't going to suggest that to him. Hell no. Alphas became aggressive if another alpha brought it up. And she definitely didn't want to deal with a triggered alpha in the office. Especially him of all people. However he had let slip a week or so ago that the omega in the building had riled him, that he couldn't block it out like the others.

Fuck. His blood was burning in his veins, his reaction was unlike any other. It was instant and he knew somewhere deep down that he would not be concentrating today.

"Hey Clark you ok there?" he grunted then forced a smile kicking his briefcase under the desk. Out of sight out of mind. was the term that came to mind.

"Yes I'm fine" she didn't look convinced.

"Riiiight and who are you trying to convince me or you? if that omega downstairs is causing you problems you should talk to someone, she shouldn't even be here working if shes unmated" Clark growled at her. Of course Lois was right in a sense. It wasn't law that omegas couldn't work however as a general rule they didn't or if they did it was a part time job close to home and normally along side their alphas. Most were claimed by the time they left college alphas would claim an omega in the first or second heat that happened around 17-20 years old, it was very rare to have an unmated omega in the work force but companies couldn't discriminate. Lois took a step back at the warning, Clark squared his shoulders the thought of his omega leaving agitated him.

"And what would I say? I can scent her from nearly 11 stories up? how would I explain that exactly?" he growled the words through grit teeth not liking where this was going. It took a great amount of control not to flash his eyes at the alpha female in front of him. She backed up unconsciously but continued.

"Well its obviously effecting you, look at yourself ,you've been getting worked up since she got here. If shes your one claim her and get it over with. but don't sit there stewing over it. Do something about it or I will" she snapped back. He could hear what she was really getting at, she was hurt occasionally two alphas could find a way to be together but this didn't happen in there case and she was jealous of the omega and wanted her gone and would make it happen herself if need be. Clark was on his feet in front of her before she could register it bending down getting in her face. And snarled low and dangerous, what ever courage Lois had fled as he glared at her menacingly.

"Don't .You. Ever. Threaten. Her. Again." she shook at the dark look in his eyes stepping back a few steps. frightened. 'as she should be' Clark thought his instincts in over drive feeling as if he had done his omega proud ,scaring off what he precieved as a threat.

"What the hell is going on?" Perry called as he watched a pale Lois take her seat not looking at anyone

"Nothing its dealt with Perry." she said bitterly tho Clark couldn't tell if it was because she had backed off her instincts acknowledging him as a true alpha or if it was that he had defended another woman.

"It better be" he warned eyeing them both before heading to his office Clark sat back down before starting up his computer to begin his work. he stopped after about ten minutes as there was a spike in his omega's scent.. she was going into heat he got up fast, to fast he hoped no one had seen him he looked at the elevator swallowing dryly. Lois raised her head instantly worried forgetting her frustration for a moment more concerned about him.

"C-Clark?" he looked at her and she froze as his pupils grew until there was a slim ring of blue around them. She took a deep breath picking up on the signs. Quickly she got up and went to him. whispering

"Whats going on are you- is she ok?" he tore his eyes from her to the elevator.

"Shes-heat" he swallowed taking a deep breath trying again

"Shes going into heat downstairs, fuck" Lois looked confused

"What but surely she'd know and not come in? it must have caught her off guard-wait what did you do?"

"We- I saw her, she saw me... that couldn't have triggered it could it?" he asked uncertain scanning the other alphas in the room they hadn't noticed, not that he thought they could detect her from here. Lois gaped at him sometimes she forgot that they didn't necessarily teach everything about omegas in all schools, especially to alphas, in traditional communities alphas were just taught about their own anatomy next to nothing about omegas ,hell in some areas where most were betas nothing was taught at all forcing everything to happen naturally on instinct.

"Of course it can! if she isn't on suppressants hell some can't even take them! meeting her alpha could cause an instant heat ,fuck sake, you need to go get her, if she leaves now she could be hurt or worse go I will cover you just go now!" Lois growled at him, the thought of an omega in heat trying to navigate the city alone made her insides churn. He leaned over to retrieve his case but she spun him pushing him to the elevators.

"Leave that I will sort it just go!"

Mean while you was down stairs panicking. You'd found him. Your one true alpha. After years of denying all others waiting out your heats holed up in your apartment praying that you'd find your true alpha and not be caught by another and lose the chance at having your soul mate. You had tried suppressants over the years but they hadn't worked, sometimes when an omegas true alpha was to potent the suppressants didn't work they only muted the the symptoms slightly and ended up not being worth the side effects , nausea ,headaches ,bouts of depression and anxiety then the back pain that was caused by your body trying to counteract the cramps redirecting the spasms.

This was the case for you it wasn't worth it basically exchanging excruciating the internal cramps for crippling back pain, it was dangerous, with cramps you could push through it still move and run if you needed to ,but the back pain made you immobile. You took deep breaths once you reached your office. Sitting down unsteady on your feet.

He was magnificent tall broad dark hair and bright eyes tho at the distance you couldn't define the color, you tried to imagine his face with forest green or a deep azure irises. You gasped feeling yourself heating up. You'd been picking up on his scent since you arrived. It was different. Very strange normally scents had one or two underlying tones his was a mix of many all intertwining in to one deep clean airy scent. You panted cringing as you began to sweat lightly.

Fuck. This wasn't good. You couldn't drop now. Not when you'd seen him. That was probably the cause. You whined taking off you jumper revealing the short sleeved blouse underneath letting the air around you picking up the folder on your desk fanning yourself debating what you should do, you could try to slip out and get home there wasn't to many alpha's here you had done your research before applying there was forty most were on the top floors, but that was still forty alphas that would smell you as you tried to leave and then you'd have to navigate through the city home avoiding all others. you sighed knowing you had to make the decision fast. swearing loudly you picked up the phone calling your manager.

"Hi its y/n in the mailing department.. I'm sorry I have to leave now preferably....I've- my heat has come early and I cant stay-I'm sorry I don't know what to do" you lean over the desk crying softly thinking that you'd just lost the only job anyone had offered you. This was cut short as she replied understanding you, being an alpha with an omega daughter she knew what it was like you huffed in relief as she calmed you down reassuring you that it was fine she instructed you to stay where you was until she called you an uber to be safe and take all the time you needed, you nodded thanking her before hanging up.

Quickly you gathered your things and waited, she phoned back quickly informing you that the uber was outside waiting you just had to tell him the destination and the company was paying for it as this classed as 'emergency travel'. You thanked her again and headed out of the office scaling the stairs to the lobby scuttling out as fast as you could aiming to head home as quick as you could before you got any worse. You felt the stares you noted the few alphas scattered about taking deep drags of air into themselves, drinking in your scent before slowly heading in your direction. You whimpered as you raced through he main doors nearly staggering as you made your way down the road as you flushed hot and needy. Jumping into the uber telling the driver your address as he pulled out into the street. He looked at you threw the rare view mirror.

"You ok back there? you want me to call someone?... your alpha?" he asked innocently enough. You just leaned forward cupping your tummy as the first pulses began in your abdomen muscles twitching beginning the first twinges of pain, you cried out panicked, it was never this fast, a normal heat took at least 24hours to sink in and reach this point.

"No! no no I'm fine just drive!!" he grinned at your response but not that you saw from your almost fetal position in the back, he continued as he pulled off the main road cutting down a residential street as a short cut

"Ok are you sure? is your alpha aware of this? does he hurt you is that why you don't want to call him?" he pried by this point alarm bells would usually start but in your desperate state you didn't click you just shook your head

"no-don't have one just please hurry!!" he grinned doing a u turn at the T junction going left back towards the city. You groaned with your head between your knees crying as the pain came crashing over like waves. Flooding your system then draining away before returning ,gasping deep gulps of air so wrapped up in trying to halt your heat you didn't realize the type of danger you were in.

"H-how much longer?" you didn't register the car stopping he chuckled.

"Not long darling" your eyes snapped open freezing at the tone managing to prop yourself up wincing through the pain as you noticed you'd stopped moving. Dread filled when you saw you were still down town. Even with the traffic you should have been out in the residential area. Your apartment was only a 25 minute walk so should have been about a five to ten minute drive instead you was in the city center all be it parked In some sort of loading bay tucked behind some tall office buildings you didn't recognize. You gulped at the look on his face. Slowly reaching for the handle of the door only for it to be locked. You shivered.

"Wh-what are you doing?" he unclipped his seat belt

"I'm gonna take care of you, a pretty omega like you shouldn't be going through heats alone... You should have an alpha to help you... You will~ just relax this will be over soon" he said before squeezing himself between the front seats making to grab you.

You twisted screaming as loud as you could. Lifting your bag striking him as hard as you could, which wasn't that hard as your energy had been sapped away by your rapid heat. he held you firm digging his fingers into your wrist untill the bag dropped to the footwell, pushing your shoulders against the door you screamed again agonizing

"NOOO HELP SOMEONE HELP ME!" clawing at him scratching his face he swore as your nail scratched across his eye.

"YOU LITTLE BITCH!" he screamed you cowered at his anger he pulled back his hand slapping you hard across the face you grunted as your head smacked into the metal seat belt clip half way up the back seat.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP CUNT!" you kneed, twisted ,clawed and bit anything you could think of to get him off of you ,he overpowered you grabbing your head smashing it against the inner door panel, your vision went fuzzy at how hard your head had bounced off of it. weeping weakly kicking out despite all hope of escape was fading fast as the male tore open your blouse buttons scattering across the back seat and foot well.

"NOO NONO PLEASE!"you sobbed as you resigned yourself to being another statistic. Then the door behind your head was ripped clean off you car you yelped cringing as you heard the metal twist and tear just beside your head tumbling out of the car, being caught before touching the asphalt and sat on the roof of the car so quick it made you dizzy before you could even glance at who had saved you. You heard the screams of your would be rapist shouting panicked as he was dragged violently out of the car.

Crying you moved to cover yourself tugging the shirt around yourself looking forward you saw superman clutching the alphas neck hoisting up to his eye level eyes flashing a dangerous red, hinting to the power simmering just below the surface shoulders heaving with every breath and his jaw clenched boiling anger was written across his stance. The alpha pleaded with him. The kryptonian glanced at you before snarling in the other alphas face low and terrifying. you held your breath something was wrong.

"MINE!" was all the man of steel managed as he panted heavy , you saw the tremble in his arm as he tried holding back but still squeezed tighter on the throat he held causing the alpha to gasp and wheeze begging pleading much like you had been not two minutes ago. You gasped not entirely sure you heard him correctly but you was sure that you didn't want to be around either of them in this state.

You placed your hands on the metal below you sliding backwards making the decision to leave your bag that stuff could be replaced. Keeping both of them in your sight, gasping quietly as you dropped to your feet , buckling as another cramp clutched a your insides. You had to move get away you couldn't let either male near you, not when you'd just found your mate, when you was so close.

In your state of panic you forgot one of the most important things every omega should know. If your caught by an alpha in the middle of a heat Do. Not. Run an alpha that wants to pursue you, will chase, they relished in it the hunt. That's why there is so much emphasis on mateing young, once you are claimed alphas are less drawn to you and your heat cant do this whole surprise pop up act. Those who tried to hold out for their mates are usually picked off before their thirties, claimed forcefully and trapped in a unhappy pairings you never thought it'd be you.

You moved slow at first backing away from the car then as you made your way further from them once you got a good twenty feet you turned and ran down a small one way road leading in the direction of home. You hoped. Your footsteps caught Superman's attention snapping his head up dropping the male

"NOO! COME BACK!" he shouted making you more frightened speeding up, he sounded angry. He shot up instantly hovered above the small building before spying you diving down landing in front of you as you as you had reached a main street onlookers stopped as they saw him land hard on the ground, he crouched the asphalt below him cracking under the force he'd used. You skidded to a stop nearly running into him you screamed backing up as he moved to grab you his eyes. They were burning literally glowing seconds away from igniting your flesh.

"I-I No please I don't-" you tried speaking cutting yourself off as another cramp took hold you cried out curling grasping your stomach. He took the opportunity to quickly scoop you up taking off so fast the air was sucked from your lungs you couldnt breath instead puffing out desperate tiny breaths. He headed straight for home. You groaned weakly at him trying desperatly to breath, tapping him as you managed sharp breaths when you could smelling him, he smelt familiar and unique almost like your mate but not quite the same.

Before you knew it you was in an unfamilliar apartment gasping deep breaths trying to ease your burning lungs. Whimpering as a wave after wave of your mates scent hit you causing your body the begin preparing itself for him as you soaked your panties through at an alarming rate. You was deposited on a large bed confused uncomfortably wet and in pain as you curled on your side in the covers pressing your face into the cotton taking deep breaths. You heard footsteps leave your side moving around beyond the door.

He was building you a nest in his den, he was here helping you, you crawled towards him as he smoothed out the blanket to curl around you grabbing him trying to pull him up onto the bed with you. You whimpered as he pulled back standing to look at the nest wanting it to be perfect. In your heat addled mind you took it as a rejection when he moved out of your grasp.

"A-Alpha?" you called out looking for him, he was here he had to be here you needed him, this was his den, but where was he. You looked around trying to find him. Then you hear Superman return, well you thought it was Superman maybe you was so far gone you'd been hallucinating, you was sure the man of steel had brought you here, but it wasn't him who returned you looked at the door ecstatic as you spied your mate with arms full of pillows and a few blankets mumbling to himself about a nest, felt a burst of excitement as he placed the cushions and blankets around you.

"I-its ok, I'm here, I've found you omega, mine ,my omega" you looked up at the male before you tucking your nose into the crook of his neck breathing deep wanting to take him in as much as you could it was him. Yes. You've made it. you cried happy tears streaming down your face as you finally had him, Your one. Your soul mate. Years spent searching hoping, terrified that he'd given up hope and claimed another. But the years of loneliness and fear was worth it for this one moment.

"N-no! alpha come back" your voice was small but sincere, he quickly saw his mistake and climbed up with you letting you grab and pull at him.

"Wh-how? you was-" he climbed over you cageing you nuzzling your neck doing the same to you that you had done to him only he was not crying, he was growling deep in his chest, that you had only just noticed was uncovered he was bare as the day he was born.

"Later...Cant" he mumbled kissing at your neck quickly licking and nipping succumbing to his need to bury himself inside of you as soon as possible. You whined as he pulled the blankets around you creating a tighter cocoon. His instincts were all over the place wanting to mount and knot you and calm and cuddle you . It was hard for him to concentrate as he smelt your body prepare for him. Turning you looked at him your lips parted as you huffed becoming impossibly hot ,sweat forming on your brow your clothes constricting and sticky as you lifted a shaky hand to his cheek.

"Blue... I didn't see them earlier, there beautiful." he almost purred closing his eyes as you ran your hand up to his curled hair. His nostrils flaring ducking down to you kissing you groaning at the taste of your tongue he moved over you, desperate pressing you into the matress holding your waist sliding you up the bed wrestling with your clothes growling before opting to rip them of not patient enough to remove them with out damaging them. You whined at him making him stop inspecting you for injury , when he determined you was unharmed just vocal he continued moving down your body kissing and suckling marks onto you wanting to devour your slick as he smelt how wet you had become for him.

He tossed your legs over his shoulders breathing deep closing his eyes collecting him self 'slow and steady don't hurt her' he thought to himself then leaned forward sucking obscenely on your wet folds dipping his tongue between them. you screamed as he met your hot sensitive skin groaning into you gripping your hips forcing you to remain still and endure him as he worked on finding you bud then flicking quickly up and down then rolling it around sucking it between his teeth applying a gentle pressure.

You cried and shouted as he continued he looked up at you watching you try to twist and turn your breasts bouncing with every jerky movement and heaving breath. He groaned again imagining just how perfect they would look tight and full ready to feed his pups. He pulled back with long licks from back to front collecting as much slick as he could as he went. You panted teary eyed as he crawled above you. He grunted eyeing your neck then maintained eye contact snarling when you didn't immediately look away.

Your pussy wept below you at the sight. He was posturing. Waiting for you to present to him, for you to acknowledge him as your alpha. You tilted your head looking away eagerly willing your body to relax below him he keened low running his nose across your throat then latching onto it biting locking his jaw tightly, not enough for the final bite but he held you there tonguing your neck releasing then moving down biting repeating the same process searching for the least sensitive spot to deliver his bite.

Once he found a spot that didn't cause a large reaction or was on the artery he sucked a dark mark , pinpointing it for later once he was satisfied he released your neck with a parting kiss many would look for the most sensitive but he was worried about truly harming you.

He grabbed your shoulder rolling you on your front heaving up your hips presenting you to him your shoulders landing on the extra pillows and blankets he got for you taking your weight. He gasped leaning back to take a moment to calm himself, he would not risk killing you accidentally because he rushed, admittedly he was also enjoying the view, way your scent permeated the air leaving him feeling hazy almost drunk. You mewled lost in your heat impatient for him to claim you in the most sinful and depraved of ways. You rocked to and fro clenching your pussy for him then spread your knees so he could see. You heard him grunt then decided to push further.

"AAHH! FUCK" you yelped as he stretched you taught around him the resistance you put up against him was intoxicating as he moved steady not letting up as he was pushing deeper and deeper feeding himself into you. You tried to raise onto your hands but a swift hand caught you by the scruff pressing down with a snarl.

As ready as your slick had made you, you was still smaller than him he noted as he was poised at your opening, twitching and puffy from his earlier exploration, he could feel the heat radiating form you. As you tried to rock back feeing his cock just there he pulled you back onto him.

"No you will stay In position presenting" he grunted you whimpered in response as he held you there firm. Finally he grunted low quickly thrusting the last inch or so into you thighs pressed against your bottom tensing. You panted clawing at the pillows surrounding you is was nearly to much as he held still flexing making you jump and flutter around him.

"P-pleeeas alpha I cant wait please" your words were pitiful and breathy arching your back pushing your ass high and curling your toes. His breathing hitched un able to hold back he rose to his knees digging his tumbs into the back of your pelvis gripping tight designed to hold you still, to force you to take all of him weather you wanted to or not. You'd forfited that choice with your presented to him earlier. You was his and he wanted you to know that ,slowly falling prey to his most basic of primal needs. Mount. Fuck. Knot. Breed. There was no thoughts beyond these four goals. He held steady nudging your opening with his cock, hard and only just beading with precum, he had fought to hold back his need for release refuseing to waste a drop, but now it seemed he may need it.

"Good girl....soo good ... your such a good omega.....are you ready to be bred?" tears fell at the feeling of being so stuffed, you wasn't sure just how you were going to take his knot if this was him before that, it was uncomfortable pressed so deep it was bordering pain, a dull ache but your cramps were gone as if his skin alone had soothed your insides and that you was thankful for.

"ugh such a good female.... gonna fuck you full" he tilted his head back abdomen quivering and twitching with need he was trying to hold back, be gentle he had heard the whimpers as he opened you up for the first time, noting that you wasn't a virgin, tho many omegas now day's had toy's to replicate alpha couplings. He snarled pulling back a little then rocking into you the idea of anything other than himself inside you irked him, no more. He would dispose of yours at the first opportunity. You'd never resort to using a toy again. A rubber substitute, no he wouldn't allow it. You would come to him for relief or you'd suffer. Those were your options now.

"YES... fuck yes THATS IT...I'm your alpha now...no one else.... I'll kill them" he grunted teasing you with his cock you screeched as he growled and grunted using his hands to hold you still as he drove into you over and over, pulling out further each time, you was floating or was it drowning you couldn't tell, all you knew was that you hated the way you felt empty as he left you, your pussy was clamping and pulling at him, fighting to keep him sheathed inside you. You groaned cried and squealed unable to stop as his moans egged you on.

"aH! FUCKfuckfuck alPHAAA!" you shook your head rubbing your face into his heady scent your head swimming in it as it seeped through the blankets. You tried to fight his hold as he teased you with shallow thrusts making your pussy protest resulting in a loud sharp spank and you widened your legs for him.

"You ok baby?" he asked as you shook beneath him gasping, trying to calm your breathing you tried to turn to look at him hissing as it pulled on his knot

You cried panicked trying to wiggle from under him desperate to escape the painful stretch he quickly acted on auto pilot latching onto the mark he left on your neck biting breaking the skin, holding you still with a growl as he claimed you with his scent permanently. You cried tensing not sure if the pain was to much or not enough. He finallly released your neck tucking a hand below where you joined rubbing your hard bud forcing you to clench painfully around the knot that was cruley holding you in place spreading your lips apart revealing your clit to his wandering fingers as you was warpped tight around him ,you tried to drag yourself forward off of him tugging at your joining to no avail he was slow and frim with his teasing finger tips.

Quickly you found your abdoman spasming and you screeched as he tore your second orgasm from you, this time as you squirted nothing left you hitting his knot and returning back up into you the force of it sending ripples of pleasure against all of your nerves your walls massaged him from root to tip as a result making him finally release into you feeling him pulse and twitch as his hot load hit you hard and deep some had definatly make it past your cervix you summarised the only coherent through in the lusty haze that was now slowly lifting from you, he held still as he continued to pour into you, the overwhelming urge to breed you was to much as he rocked once ,twice slowly using his knot the amplify the pleasure.

You whimpered staying as still as you could panting completly washed out and wrecked. He looked down smug not taking his eyes of of where you were joined his knot was large, he was impressed at how well you took him. A slight panic, he'll admit but you had stayed still enough for him to fully mate you And nothing was escaping which boded well for breeding.

"Ah ah ah stay still... that's it stay still... good girl" he reassured knowing full well that you could be like this for a few more minutes maybe ten minutes or so, for him specifically he wasnt sure. Selfishly he wanted to remain there as long as possible but thought it'd be better for you if he wasnt attached to long.

"yes ...that's it omega open up for me... let me in" he chuckled slamming into you making your bones rattle keening with the force as he did it over again becoming desperate to bury himself inside deeper. You cried out as he dragged his hand from your neck leaning over you as he plowed you into an orgasm. You let out what was at first a silent scream as you clamped around him making him hiss you leaked over him cumming drenching his thighs with slick as he grunted holding still tightly pressing into you his knot forming in an instant stretching you until you yelped in pain trying to break free. No. It hurt. As he was pressing painfully deep almost pressing into your cervix opening.

"Are you ok? we could be like this for a while baby.. you have enough pillows"

"It's sore" you mumbled quietly unable to stop pulling forward it was only natural to try and avoid the pain he felt guilty but knew it was unavoidable.

"I know baby but your doing so well... soo good and just think with any luck we will have pups on the way! doesnt that sound nice baby. You can make a better nest, more suitable for pups." you clenched at his words the idea of pups making you perk up

"Pups?" you asked excited he laughed rubbing your back soothingly noticing how hot you was.

"Oh yes I'm going to breed you during this heat, that is if I haven't took root already" he said rolling his hip lightly making his point you groan again. He noted the sweat rolling down your sides. Debating on what to do, he knew he could help easily but was a little apprehensive. Finally he decided he would do it, your his mate now, bound to him permanently.

"Baby? are you hot?" you nodded

"Yeah and sticky..... I want a cold shower... can I have one when I'm free?" he frowned that would mean you standing up.... he would leak from you.... No. He shook his head

"No you may not, you will lie on your back once free.. I want you full." he said you pouted a little feeling scolded whimpering before you flinched as he blew a cool gust of air onto you. It was cold... Much colder than should have been possible.. And it wasn't to do with how heated your skin was. Clark continued blowing cooling your skin until it was no longer red. He felt himself finally softening once he was sure he could remove himself without any pulling he did sliding back quickly flipping you to your back pulling the pillows below your waist . You laid back wide eyed.. It took him seconds.. Literally seconds to pull out and re-position you... He moved you one handed...WHAT THE FUCK? you squeaked

"Wh-how did you do that? you really are? but your scent i-it was different you wasn't!" you were so confused. He looked down guilty stroking you slowly unable to keep for touching you now that you were bpnded ,he loved how you carried his scent, it was lingering just beneath yours coiling around it.

"I'm sorry, my suit it....changes my scent... I'm not sure why, it may be because its not made here on earth... " you paled as he explained you knew. Your mate was superman. The man of steel. You gasped bringing your hands to your face as you cried

"YOUR AN ASS! do you know how FUCKING SCARED I WAS!" you shouted moving to get up. He was faster pinning you down pushing into your neck.

"I thought you was going to burn me! Kill me!" You wailed into your palms.

"sshh sshh its ok now.. I'm sorry ...I'm so sorry I never intended to scare you, I was just scared...I tried to follow you but you already left....... Then I went looking for you ..... I heard screaming not want sure if it was you, I was so glad as I got closer and smelt you then I saw him..I had intended to just take you home..But seeing you there I knew I had no choice...I had to claim you to keep you safe... I was so close to killing him, I wanted to...You stopped me, if you hadnt run I would have ripped him limb from limb... All I knew in that moment was that I couldnt bare seeing you run from me.. I had to catch you." you settled down as he kissed your mark explaining between small pecks and licks then laid curling at you side. Pulling your hands away.

"I-if I'd known it was you I wouldnt have run from you I would have run to you" you explaind cupping his face lightly he leaned forward kissing him.

"But I cant call you superman or alpha all the time" you smirked he chuckled sliding higher around you leaning over you on his elbow.

"Clark kent" he offered with a kiss

"y/n y/l/n" he smiled before kissing deeply again you were interupted by a loud bannging form somwhere deeper in the apart ment he held out a hand

"Stay I want to give us the best chance for pups" he called out as he grabbed some boxers sliding them up as he walked to the front door opeing it revealing Lois holding out his damaged breifcase she scrunched her nose as the heady smell of there coupling hit her.

"Here I Covered for you, Perry thinks this morning was because your omega was going into heat and you didnt touch her and I told you to leave and 'be an alpha for once' in the end you took my advice and mated her... you have the week off for her heat." she explained then cleared her throat nodding behind him he growled when he spotted you up by the door peeping he pointed back to where you came growling.

"Back in your nest!" you scuttled back into the room with a squeak diving back into your nest of blankets. Placing your hips back on the raised pillows. Lois giggled.

"Don't be too hard on her she probably heard me and panicked... any way I'm off and try to be gentle with her she looks ....small" he nodded closing the door as she turned to leave. He padded into the bedroom spoting you tugging the blankets around you adjusting then readjusting them pouting. He smiled tugging it from you smoothing it around your hips.

"That was lois.. Shes and alpha and a friend nothing to worry about.." you nodded to him as he tucked himself around you again making you rest your head on his chest as he reached down cupping your tummy running his thumb acros the skin below your belly button

"Sleep baby it wont long before I'll mount you again" you blushed at his words but tried to relax anyway letting your mind drift as he wandering fingers pushed you into a deep satisfied slumber.

Taglist @havenoffandoms

#superman smut #superman x reader #superman x you #alpha superman #clark kent x y/n #clark kent x you #clark kent x reader #superman mate #alpha clark kent #superman imagine #clark kent imagine

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jelly-omelette · 4 years

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Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw

#mine #text #diary #hiro

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200dumplings-blog · 7 years

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Commentator

Commentator Bong

August 11th 11.42PM

I watched about 3 movies on the plane. I don’t know if you like musicals, I once watched Mama Mia when I was in China and it was pretty good.

I've watched it in Korea once, it was good! I don’t know if your high school ever made you watch plays like The Importance of Being Earnest, mine did and I always loved watching plays and musicals. Mine didn't haha

I was thinking about asking to see Jersey Boys, it’s broadway, and Lauren from the lab told me it was really good. There is also this cool movie about Van Gogh that is coming in November. Essentially it took many artists a long time to paint all the frames of the movies using the exact same style and most of the paintings are based on the masterpieces of Van Gogh’s. The storyline is Van Gogh’s life in France. I watched the trailer and it was so breathtaking I could fucking cry. I don’t think they will play the movies in the mainstream theatres, it’s more of an exhibition I guess. But it will be played in Toronto in November, and also in LA.

Unfortunately, I will just miss the movie by a week according to my travel plan, you said you’re going to LA right, when was it? but I might change my flight and hotel bookings. I don’t know if it is worth me to pay more money if I’m going with Boxin. Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do with her lol. Well maybe you guys can still have a good time. Or you can just go and do separate things, travelling alone is a pretty good experience! If you end up liking me back, maybe I will ditch her and we can go watch the movie together haha. Then I kept on thinking what else I wanna do with you(no sexual pun intended), and I was stunned that I actually wanna do so many things with you hahaha. Maybe I’m more passionate about the idea that I like you than the event itself, so I don’t care too much about the entire hurting and getting hurt thing. I think… maybe you should watch out for your feelings more.. I know you said you don’t care and I understand that I’ve been there trust me lol I really feel bad I can’t give back the care and attention..

I always ponder the words you’ve said and the way you said them. I know that people, in most cases, will eventually lose sparks and the chemistry will die out as the catalyst runs out and molecules stop moving fast enough to collide. You’re so nerdy its cute hahah. Contradictorily, I also have some hope in love for a long long time. It could be the example my grandparents set for me, or that I read The Little Prince too many times. I just watched the movie a few hours ago, and I think I cried in my heart a little haha. It is one of my favourite books. What I like the most about the book is the deep talk about “taming” the fox and the little prince had. It is certainly true that we will meet so many great people in our lives, and we will fall for them, maybe full heartedly or maybe less. They are all people to us, just like all the roses in the garden on earth are the same species as the rose on asteroid B-162. HOWEVER, if you chose to tame or be tamed by your little prince or your fox, then everything is different. We might part at some point, but the memories we had were eternal. To me that is beautiful. That’s a beautiful thought :)

So my neighbours on the plane are a very old couple, and it’s their first few times flying. I tried to take really good care of them and escorted the lady to the bathroom. It was kinda hard because they speak this strange northern dialect, and I’m from the south. I used to dislike people who can’t help themselves lol…. but now I have more empathy. You’re so nice ;D

I’ve done a very good job keeping your watch at my body temperature haha, I fell asleep holding it. I’m so scared to lose it already because I can only hold it in my palm. Maybe I will tell you that I lost it and keep it with me. By the way you haven’t given me your lighter yet. Strange enough I stopped smoking after last Friday. I’m not addicted but I do smoke one cigarette once a week. I guess now I’m more addicted to you and you’re much more powerful and pleasing than nicotine.

Yeah its not good for you… don’t smoke if you can help it haha, also my lighter is nothing special at all lol i don’t even use is much. I’ve also been wearing ur watch haha even tho its hella big lol

I’m right above NK right now lol….. I used to be sort of a nationalist when I was in middle school. I low key disliked Japan and Korea a bit maybe, I don’t remember exactly, or I choose not to. Now I think the extreme thoughts people have on whatever topic are caused by ignorance. If we listen better and actually try to work on resolving conflicts, this world will be a better place. Ignorance is a fucking sin, don’t ever think it’s ok to be ignorant. Critical thinking is key and that’s what UBC science has taught me so far. Yeah I had the same feelings with China and Japan haha its just our upbringing. I don’t like stereotyping people but sometimes theres a lot of truth to those stereotypes because of culture and stuff so its hard to ignore.

Coincidentally I did the overnight letter writing thing again hahaha, it’s becoming a habit. If I do this for long enough maybe I can shoot a movie of this or publish a collection of letters. You will get to name the movie/book.

I’m landing in about three hours, and you will be asleep by then. I don’t think you can hear me but I wished you goodnight. I assume that you] have seen Truman’s World. Sorry I haven’t haha. I remember vaguely that he said something like “if I don’t get to see you again, I wish you good morning and goodnight for the rest of your life.” It was definitely much better worded than that haha, but that’s what I wanna tell you for the following three weeks.

I had so many questions to ask you lol and I rehearsed over and over again since Tuesday, but my brain went blank when I saw you. This always happens haha, that’s why I always rehearse before I meet someone I care about. I might talk to myself a bit too much. Sometimes I picture the the next time seeing you, picture how you smile, how you touch your hair, how you play with your rings on your left thumb, right index finger and right ring finger, and how you tilt your head when you get a bit shy. My god, you’re so observant haha. I feel terrible that i can’t reciprocate these attentions and feelings to you. I think you’re so caring and wonderful but like you know, I can’t control how I feel about things. Its amazing to be loved and cared for and be told im beautiful, it rly makes me happy but also i feel bad. Its very selfish of me but I prefer liking someone over being liked… I guess i’m also kinda like you and not afraid to get hurt at times. But it amazes me how you can express your feelings like that, I would never be able to do it even if im feeling it or thinking it. Cuz of my ego or sth lol. I think you’re rly brave.

Words fail me when I try to describe how charming you are. I’m no Sean, but I do want you. I want to hold you for a very very long time, or simply pause time. I want to kiss every inch of your beautiful skin with the most passionate tenderness, and submerge myself in your smell. And other things that I’m not gonna write down haha. Seriously, you should do arts hahaha you’re writing is beautiful.

1.05 AM

Aug 12th 5.19AM

It’s so hot in Guangzhou. I couldn’t breathe for a few seconds when I walked out of the airplane. I get the same feeling when I go to Korea in the summer haha. I forgot this feeling and kinda missed it actually. I kinda miss it too sometimes actually. The other day, it was rly hot and i felt like i was in korea kinda haha it smelled like korea if thats even possible. I got “pulled over” with my little cart that has 2 suitcases on it. Thank god they didn’t ask me to open them and there wasn’t any beeping from the scan machine. I was like phewwwwww. 🙏🏼

I told my mom about you, briefly. Idk why I said that, but somehow I felt like it was important. Haha what did she say?

She said that I should make more friends like you hahahhaha.

Summer is an odd season, half of people are falling in love, the other half are breaking up. Or maybe everyone is breaking up and then falling in love. People are always doing the same shit, looking for love and then fail, aren’t we fucking pathetic. I guess that’s why lone wolves are cool because they dare to break this cliche. I used to be cool, and then I met you. Oh well I will settle with being a little less cool. you’re still rly rly cool you know haha. I don’t think its a failure. Love is love and if it ends it ends. love doesn’t always have to be forever lasting.

Alrighttttt. Jet lag is a bitch! I’m gonna try to get some sleep because next time I wake up I will be with my siblings. I will send you a picture of the triple Yangs hahaha. I hope you miss me a little.

Btw we can always be friends hahahha no pressure

i can feel you’re innocence when i talk to you and i honsetly sometimes feel a little too jaded for you. I’m pretty honest most of the time but thats cuz the honesty usually says something bad about me or hurt me not another person. Its rly hard to say no to you because I don’t wanna hurt you but i know i should be honest now so it saves u from hurting later. Idk maybe you don’t actually care that much and wont get hurt that much. I kinda hope that. You’re such an awesome person and i’d like to keep hanging out with you if you’re ok with that.

relationship wise… I think that I need some time to figure stuff out with myself and the thing with Sean. I mean i know logically i should stop being intimate with him and move on but maybe im just not done. Its like a habit and i dont wanna sound sleezy but we usually end up banging when we hang out. I think theres still too much chemistry.

I feel guilty… Im just a selfish jerk caring more about my feelings than urs im sorry.

Don't apologize because there's nothing bad here Hahahaha. As you said we'll see and for sure we will hang out!!!!!

Ok study hard and write your paper hahahah and you're not a jerk lol

Thanks.. ;)

Idk about all this jaded thing. It can be part of my personality, I used to read a lot of fairytales when I was little maybe that helped hahhaha

Seriously tho.... it's not that I am always innocent or I haven't seen nasty shit that happens everyday. I just choose not to be overwhelmed by that. I choose to be innocent when I can, and it's not always that case.

Darcy wrote me a card in middle school, and it had a quote on it. It was in Chinese but I'll try my best to translate it. It went like "knowing the worldly of society and choose not to is the kindest way to be mature"

I'm working on that.

That’s awesome and i admire you’re ability to do that. I didn’t mean that you don’t know how the world works when i said you’re innocent. This is me not you, its my insecurities. I feel like a more jaded person when I can’t live a positive life when im around someone like you. But I also think a little bit of darkness makes life more interesting, im just kinda twisted inside haha. but i mean whatever makes your life worth living and enjoyable is what you should do. Its different for everyone.

I think you’re doing an awesome job at life.

Aug 13th 2.30AM

I’m always using Vancouver time. I have you watch and never bothered to adjust it. I don’t use it for checking time. I might have told you that I have been having trouble falling asleep. But holding your watch somehow miraculously cured my insomnia.

When you said you loved seeing my face, I was like hmmm… It’s really humid here and hot, my mom left the windows open and I couldnt figure out how to close them for a while so my face was all greasy… and the lighting was horrible hahah so idk why you loved looking at my face. but thats always a good thing to know. Nah you still looked rly cute i couldnt even see any difference

Whenever you told me that you didn’t wanna hurt me, I chose not to think about it. Human brain is truly magical, because if you choose to ignore something then theres a higher probability for you to not remembering it. Until I read what you wrote up there about 3 times, then I started to question myself if what Ive been doing is ok. I don’t wanna confuse you more, and I want you to be happy. So I thought if you really liked Sean that much, I should probably just lay back and let you guys do your thing. I even thought about talking to Sean about this, but it’s not my business after all. I only wish you happy. I definitely overthought this but for about two hours I managed to convinced myself that if I’m not what you want I should fuck off. So I had this post on this Chinese website, it’s kinda like the equivalent of Tumblr. I post stuff I write and photos there and also posted some thing on a group discussion. Some people liked my writing and potentially my face lol so they messaged me and asked me out.

I said maybe to all of them, which you know is essentially a No unless I really felt like it. But I'll always say yes to you.

Something I found funny was that they all commented on my smile. “You have a really warm smile.” Everyone commented on one of my photos. Then they said “you must be sweet.”

Well I mean I might be sweet and also have lovely smiles but really I wanna save them for you. At the same time I don’t think I am what you want so maybe I should just wast them on random strangers. Well I hope smiling means you are happy not just making other people happy so you should always smile when you wanna. Its limitless. Thats how I came up with the idea that I should party tonight and forget about you. For a bit I thought I was actually determined.

Then you said you wanted to see me, and the moment I saw your face, I knew I dont wanna go partying tonight anymore haha. I will write you something, read some papers and sleep early to deal with my jet lag. You got me again. I can’t think straight when I see you and I love that feeling. The rush is worth the pain. You stimulate the secretion of dopamine in my brain. (You will probably say that I should do arts lol, but I already do arts girls so I will be fine in science) haha you “do” arts girl ;) ok

About your watch. I never told you that I dreamed about you a few times. I have too. I’m still not gonna tell you what happened in the dreams haha. They belong to me. But for the past week, I always thought about holding your hand before I fell asleep. Holding your watch in my palm had the same effect, even though it has the opposite texture of your hand, but it did the job.

I really hope that you are gonna be chill with your parents, because I remembered how much I hated dealing with them.

Yeah I’m hoping to keep low and try to just please them if i can while they are here.

I’m probably gonna go explore a bit tomorrow, and get some post cards and small things. I also wanna bring you a souvenir, so I better get started now. I just found out that they have this super cool bookstore called United bookstore here!!!!! theres this cool exhibition going on I’m gonna check it out tmr and hopefully get you cool stuff!!!! I’m really pumped cuz I love bookstores!!! Sounds like a lot of fun!!! I hope you have a blast.

Again, I will be here for you if you wanna see me. You probably won’t be able to do that in the future 10 days cuz your parents will be around. But hey Rebecca Bong, I will be here.

I was listening to Nell. I think it’s cool. My favourite so far is Dream Catcher. I like the beat and the lyrics(I read the translation lol). I will keep listening to their songs and let you know how I feel about them.

That’s funny because the friend who introduced me to Nell likes Dream Catcher the best as well in that album. When we went to their concert after the album release, they played that song and the background light was rainbow ;) my friend loved it. I’ll try to find a picture haha.

My fav from that album is Home.

So this is the tower I snapped you that's super famous in Guangzhou. It's called the Canto tower but it has a nickname as "girl's tight waist" and somehow it's always rainbow at night lol....

there I drew this masterpiece of you and I visiting there :) goals

Awesome drawing skillz hhahah

Random stuff I thought about when I woke up as I was thinking about you at Browns. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to take your shirt off and kiss you bit by bit until I'm drown in your body and get wasted. You're so beautiful baby.

Well, I don’t know about the other stuff but we can definitely get wasted. Whatever happens after…. is out of my control.

I'll take this as the green light hahahahaha

August 15th 5.55 AM

I didn’t actually start until like 6.20 hahaha. I was trying to figure out my timetable and got kinda annoyed about getting waitlisted for BIOL 200, cuz it’s one of the pre-reqs.

Anywayssss. Something funny that happened today. I was mixing baby formula for my sister and kinda applied my bubble tea shaking skill haha. I wanted to take a snap and caption it “bartender skills on point” I thought it was funny lol

I liked when you pointed out the irony of me wearing a “mask”. I low key hate how this world works but I chose to play by THE RULE and be the type of person the society likes. I’m actually a pretty amoral person. That doesn’t mean that I am morally corrupted but that I have no moral standards. There’s a movie called Mary and Max. I feel like I’m Max to some extent. Max is a sociopath, he doesn’t have any feelings, but he tries to match people’s facial expression and their reactions to different events.

Most of the time I feel indifferent towards most of people and things that happened in my life. Really I don’t think it’s worth my time to feel anything towards them. That’s why I smile(politely) a lot, because I don’t want people to talk to me most of the time. I mean I don’t mind if they do, but I’d rather not. In that sense I might be an introvert. But if it’s someone I care I would definitely pour my heart to make sure they are happy and try to be there for them. Idk if that made any sense lol.

The reason why I always wear this mask is mainly that I’ve been an outsider my entire life. I told you that I went to a boarding school in another province since grade 2. The first day at school there, I kinda got bullied by this girl I later became really close friends with because of my accent. I didn’t cry at all though lol. Then two weeks late nobody could tell that I was from another province. It’s the good old Darwinian’s rule right, you either adapt or you die. Then I studied really hard and became one of the top students. People started liking me I guess. After that I signed up to get involved in all kinds of activities and got a whole lot of rewards. The girl who bullied me kissed me one night and told me that I looked beautiful hahahahaha. I guess that’s how I became popular? Since grade 2 I never got to stay home for more than 4 months every year. I traveled a lot with my parents, but never really stayed home. That only got worse after I came to Canada. And I just adapted again.

But I know that I’m always an outsider. I don’t know how to explain that feeling. I never feel home anywhere. It’s kinda like a voluntary exile. It means losing the connection with your own land to pursue something else. I actually belong to this minor ethnicity in China. Minor ethnicities are kinda like the indigenous groups in Canada. In our culture, we have this strange connection with our land and our water. I gave that up. Then I realized very quickly that I have to be a person people accept, otherwise it’s game over. I won’t belong anywhere.

It took me a very long time to start being ok with not belonging anywhere. It all started when I met Charles. He was sort of a mentor to me. I met him at this tutoring place in Beijing. My mom wanted to me learn English better before I go to Canada, so she sent me there. Charles was at his 40s, quiet, always looked a bit tired, and very wise. He studied literature and philosophy at Bard, and almost did his phD at Columbia University. We read about 90 books together that summer, from ancient greek epic poem and plays to late 20th century philosophical essay collections. We read books about Utopia, feminism, and existentialism. I loved Medea, Freud, Kafka, Virgina Woolf, Huxley, Herman Hesse, Sartre, Camus, and etc. That summer I understood what I felt when I woke up by myself in a strange bed in a strange building and a strange city that you cannot see more than 500 meters away from you. It was exactly loneliness. That might sound very dramatic, but it was exactly how I felt. I could go on and on about this, but let’s stop there hahah. Oh I’m taking PHIL 385! It’s existentialism! I can’t wait!!!! In fact I already purchased all the 4 texts we will be reading haha.

WARNING!!!

I think whatever I wrote below here can be a bit too dark, at least I don’t normally tell anyone about this not even my very close friends….. so idk if u wanna read this…..

I had a hard time dealing with the fact that we’re all fucking individuals are practically lonely. Maybe because of this I had eating disorder for a while. I used to take these Japanese antacid pills everyday so I didn’t have reflux all the time. That was my way of dealing with sorrow and other negative feelings I had. I guess it wasn’t as bad as being clinically depressed? This is the “fucked up” side of me. I don’t think mentally ill people are are fucked up at all, because I’ve been there, or I’m still there, but I’m coping and I know it’s not easy.

I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it. I didn’t feel like talking to my parents about my shitty feelings for obvious reasons. I didn’t have siblings. I was an outsider and really people would probably accept me more if I’m always confident, cool and have my shit together. I thought if I found a person who would understand me, and care about me then I’ve found the cure. I thought my ex(Boxin) was kind of like my family for the longest time. I was kinda dependent on her I guess, I thought she was the cure to my loneliness and me being an outsider. Truth is you never ever depend your identity or happiness on anybody hahaha…. thats shitty. She was mental and a bit violent, and I was kinda lunatic too lol lets not get into too much detail.

Ok, so that was a very toned down way to describe my negative side lol. if you wanted a picture of that, you would probably see me shivering in my bathroom at 3AM with red eyes tearing toilet paper into pieces (it was very comforting to me)and biting on my own index fingers. That’s why I like Breaking Bad so much, because I can be Walt hahaha, and 80% of the time I think like him.

WARNING ENDED … :) life is beautiful again :)

I will show you an email I wrote Charles last summer. I promised that I will tell him about all the girls I liked hahaha so I might have to write him an email about you.

“Charles,

Sorry, I think I mis-sent you an empty email.

I wrote something on my journal again, and mentioned your email. What I realized then was that I did not read your writing carefully enough until I copied some pieces down. The last piece talking about changes reminded me so much of our class together in Beijing, and also enabled me to generate some new thoughts about Romeo and Juliet. Chance, we have always talked about chance. Everything that happens is accidental and unintentional. I wrote that "our encounter(meaning me and Christina) is just an accident then. Nothing more special than you missing the morning bus, me spilling hot water on my tray, and that scientist who discovered urea in his lab."

What we have talked about in Beijing revived, and is now growing again in my body.

I described you as following:

"He is slightly heavier(emotionally), maybe due to all the experiences he had. Every time, when this lonely, miserable man talks about love, he tries to pretend to be an indifferent narrator, like the one in Camus' book, of his own stories, but if I look closer, I can always find the sparks and frustration behind his glasses, in his weary eyes."

I hope that you will keep sending me your writing. I will definitely get a copy once it gets published.

Love,

Amanda”

August 16th 8.45 AM

I felt super tired today. I guess I can be an introvert, cuz I can really use some me time to recover. I hung out with Amanda, it felt the same as we were still in middle school. Or maybe it was different in some ways. He asked me when I got my ears pierced, and laughed when we recalled that I had horrible bushy brows. I guess we all changed but we still kept something that we had in middle school.

It was strange. He is from my past, the part I don't like facing. But I choose to see him once a year for some strange reason that I don't know how to explain. It was chill and made me very tired and lost.

I ate so much lol, too much really. I haven't ate so much since university or even grade 12. I felt like I was 15 again, my eating disorder and shitty feelings all came to me and I got exhausted.

Now I'm playing Nell's albums, and they really are kinda healing. I knew this band from you and I appreciate it. I mean I don't understand a word but hahahha I think it's really good!

Anyways I'm gonna sleep now, god my ex was being real tiring... I just wish I could go back to my lab life and hang out with my teammates and you so my life will be much more cheerful lol

Tons of loveeee❤️❤️❤️

August 18th 926AM

Bong bong bongggggg

Ok so I cleaned my brother's piss and shit like 3 times today. Great time :)

Every time you told me you "talked" to you parents, I got a little worried. I don't know my words mean anything to you, but you are a good human being and you don't need plastic surgery physically or mentally. Everyone is fucked up in their own way and your way is kinda beautiful.

I've been watching Skam season 3, and you have to watch it lol.... I mean I highly recommend it. My ex girlfriend(Alex so the one before crazy Boxin) said I would love it and turns out she's right again lol. I guess it can be super relatable to any millennial who's trying to find who they are and what all the big words (aka. Love religion sexuality etc) mean. One person commented on this show and said something like "Love, especially young love, isn't really about getting wasted, smoking, or getting corrupted together in any way, but is about secretly listening to all his/her playlists" and beautifully sensitive things like that.

It's a super relatable show to me. Sarah (Addy's gf) and I got a bit drunk and went out to pick up sushi together on that Friday night we met. We talked about how for the longest time none of us knew how to explain homosexuality with Darwinian's views on evolution. We both had this panic phase for a very very long time, fighting it every time we open our biology textbook and even thinking about ATGC bases in genetics class. They talked about the exact same thing in Skam! Also so many other cute things I can't spoil... for example the main characters are super hot like I would date one of them lol

I miss you a lot and I hope every day gets a bit easier for you with your parents :)

Love,

Yang

August 23rd 3.20 AM

It was nice to talk to you again. I sometimes wonder if you forgot about me already hahahha clearly you haven't.

I don't wanna be overly positive. To be honest, I don't like overly positive people. All my friends are fairly positive, and we believe in good things. That doesn't mean we are TOO positive though?

It really hurts me when I can't help people I care with their confusion. I really can't practically help you and I think talking too much about it is utterly annoying and meaningless. I do believe in you though. It's different from the way your father believes in you, because he probably also finds it hard to accept "failure"(meaning anything other paths other than his expectation). I was talking to one of my ex girlfriends Alex, and she said something really smart like "people always feel obliged to pursue happiness, thinking that that's the only way to live. In fact, you have to make so many choices every day, and it's not easy at all. Most of the time you don't necessarily make those decisions for your happiness, but you're just doing it for living, living at this moment."

She's real deep lol, but it makes sense right? I trust you because I don't think you're hopeless. My cousin Wei is confused and hopeless. You're just confused. I'm confused too. Well fuck who isn't confused? Baby steps baby steps....

I'll be your support, I'll always be your support when needed.

Moving on. I never thought taking care of babies would be so hard and tedious..... my siblings both weigh 5kg now... it's arm day every day. Most importantly, it's my last year of being a teenager, I should be clubbingggggggg instead of being a part time nanny.... I guess you're being a part time nanny+chauffeur too😂😂😂 why do bad things happen to good people!!!! We used to say that a lot when there's a rush at PF. Good old timessss.

I got a bit confused a few days ago about my ex girlfriend. It's crystal clear that I don't wanna get back with her or have any emotional connection with her. But what about sleeping with her? We dated for three years and one thing I enjoyed was sleeping with her. I guess I'm still super young, so sleeping with someone consistently for three years really trained my brain to think of her as the default when it comes to intimacy. I have mixed feelings about offering my room to her. I told myself that I won't bring any girls other than my future girlfriend home to sleep over lol unless they are my friends. I don't wanna be friends with Boxin, I don't wanna be anything with her. Maybe friends with benefits minus the friend part. I don't even know if I want that, but people get horny it's human nature and people like convenience.

I tried to explain, not because I think you expect anything from me, but I expect myself to be focused. There's nothing wrong with fucking around, I simply like giving one person the special attention. Sartre and Simone fucked around their entire life, but there's only one Sartre to Simone and vice versa.

About school, we can always study together if you want, I'm a good study buddy I think. I could probably study Econ with you if I haven't forgotten all about Micro.

Turns out that I'll have to cab back to UBC on the 3rd, but somehow I liked it this way. I don't wanna owe her anything lol or I'll just bus back cuz I don't have much to carry anyways

I'm going for a walk. The typhoon could hit the city at anytime but I miss getting soaked. It's kinda EMO so you probably get it hahahah.

Love,

Yang

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