#she wonders why i would lose my appetite and starve myself constantly

[clothing-references]

A Long Update

Hello, guys, I promise I'm still alive for the time being. This update might get a bit personal and.. Well, lengthy. I ah... Didn't really plan this out. It's 3:30 am, I wasn't even gonna post this, buuuuuuut, I'm clearly not posting anything else anyways so... I'll leave this here for anyone wondering where I am or where I've been. So this last month has been really, really busy. My birthday came up in January, which was nice, not much to say about that. December was a pain since it's the most mentally draining part of the year for me, but it wasn't too bad... For about a whole month, I was running around and trying to get a ton of things done all at once because I could no longer afford rent as no one in this tiny angry community of mine would hire me and I kinda had to leave my previous job without giving a proper two weeks notice.... Yes, I know I should have and it was a stupid mistake, but I'm not a very smart person to begin with and I'm learning from my mistakes. Since I knew I was gonna be evicted, I put all my time and energy into cleaning, packing up, shopping, selling stuff so I could afford to get out town, going to stay with my parents for the time being, and planning out a trip to move out of state with my sister who was very understanding and generous enough to allow me to stay with her until I can get back on my feet. Honestly, I dunno where I'd be right now if I couldn't rely on my family because I've been driving myself freaking INSANE and that's even while knowing that I have help and people to lean on. You know how everybody has their own share of problems and mental health conditions (what with the way society is and how it literally affects everyone and whatnot) and my depression and anxiety decided it'd be suuuuuper fun to just kick the crap out of me around the same time when I had to give my cat back to the shelter... Honestly, I'm still trying to get over the fact that my little friend is... Well... Gone... I have to just hope that she gets adopted by someone nice... But no matter how I try to rationalize it, I just hate myself for adopting her and giving her a home for a year before telling her I couldn't keep her anymore. I feel like a monster for destroying any trust she may have had built up with me... It's stupid, I know, but again, I'm not a very smart person. As a nice way of "punishing" myself, my self image started to deteriorate and I started feeding myself less and less as I'm likely to do at times like this. Then there's the occasional binge eating because I was lucky enough to be able to take a nice little recreational drug that helps increase your appetite and happiness... Cut to me occasionally going to bed trying not to cry because of how good it feels to eat so much and actually sleep on time and shower without feeling like there's a reason why I shouldn't... And then I wake up the next day, I get "sick," and I starve again... Then there's that occasional visit with someone who so kindly tells me that I've been losing weight which is completely meant as a compliment because I'm just an overweight guy and it is something that can be reversed if I took better care of myself, it is something I could control. But there goes that darn guilt of knowing that I only lost that weight because I still somehow failed to take better care of myself and I'm just sick to a point where it's hard to accept that even though i know it's true and that I'm not getting any healthier. My sleeping patterns are constantly getting messed up no matter what I do to try and fix them, I'm barely eating some days, and then there's the constant ringing in the back of my head that says, "Look at the thousands of followers you've somehow been lucky enough to accumulate, look at all the people you're letting down, way to go Adrian, you're really a man of his word, aren't you?" And it just... Gets worse... And worse... It's too much for me to handle some days and I know I probably just sound like all I'm doing is complaining, but... Well, this is my explanation. This is why I've barely been on this site on this particular blog. I'm sorry. I really am sorry. I'm not trying to make up excuses, I don't even know what I'm thinking, posting such a personal thing online for everyone to see, just complaining about my sad, sad first world problems... I could just not say anything and eventually go back to posting, but we all know how darn inconsistent I am and how bad I am at keeping up with requests and everything... I dunno. It almost feels like if I don't explain myself, I'll just continue hiding before just disappearing from this page all together because the longer it takes me to say anything, the harder it is to do just that. Again, I'm really sorry... I know you didn't come to this blog for this sort of content. I know you're not here to hear about how sad my life is and how I just need to get my crap together and whatever else... Feel free to just keep scrolling. You're not in any way required to feel sorry for me, nor are you required to care. I just... Needed to put this out there. I hope you all have a safe and lovely night/day/week. I don't leave until the 22nd and I don't arrive at my destination until the 23rd, so don't expect a lot of updates from me for a little while.. Thank you to everyone who's been so understanding and supportive so far. I'll try my best to act more like a darn adult with everything figured out and put together. Until then, I'll see you around I guess? I'll still be on my main blog, so I won't be gone, just... Inactive. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I wish you all a wonderful day. Stay safe, okay?

[insatiableimagines]

bon voyage (OC x OC) (I)

Request from (suneoost on Wattpad): What do you think about a story of a vacation love romance (with a Hans' type character) BxG (girl is quiet but not afraid to do something/try something new) and they met on a boat or at their vacation destination and their relationship evolved quickly, or something like that?

Starring: Caitlyn x Aidan  (Own Characters/Creations for the purpose of this one-shot)

----

Of all the times to lose the key to my room, it had to be the night before my next big adventure.

"Oh come on, where did I leave you?" I muttered in irritation under my breath, eyes flickering past the several tables crowded with leftovers on plates, and empty wine glasses.

I had been starving earlier this evening and rather than order room service, I had decided to show up for the dinner banquet held on the beautiful open deck floor of the cruise. My appetite was now put to a rest but I certainly hadn't signed up for losing my key for that price. It could be anywhere! Especially considering I'd moved around a lot to talk to different people and break out of my shell.

"Do you need help with anything, miss?"

One of the caterers nearby, clearing up the dinner tables, shot me a curious look. I bit down on my lip, wondering if I should ask her for help. Searching for lost keys was definitely not part of her job description though, and she looked busy enough as it were.

"No, it's nothing. I'm fine," I answered with a small laugh. The woman shrugged and went back to her work. Frowning to myself, I scanned the area. The table where I'd last been seated was to the far left. It would be best to start the search off there, before I went to the main desk for a replacement key.

Determined, I walked over and scoured the desk for the glint of metal. Maybe, it had fallen somewhere? With a sigh, I got down on all fours and lifted the white tablecloth to check beneath the table, crawling underneath it.

There was an assortment of things - some of questionable nature. Plastic candy wraps, a used lipstick, and what looked suspiciously like... I scrunched my nose up in disgust. As romantic as this cruise may seem, I hadn't placed it for a wild one. Note taken. I started to back out from under the table when I heard an eerily familiar voice that made me freeze altogether.

"Well, well, I didn't expect the deck to be dishing out this kind of view."

That's when it hit me. I was wearing a short dress...on all fours...with my head under a table. Anyone passing by would have found that rather...odd but he...he would never let the opportunity to go. I felt something brush across the back of my thighs and yelped, my head banging the table. Silver ware clattered at the contact but the sound of his laughter drowned it out. Rubbing the top of my head, I hurriedly crawled out from my little sanctum and glared up at the man that had made my vacation a living hell.

"Aidan."

He stood there, tall and proud, his full lips pulled into that outrageously infuriating albeit attractive smirk. Despite his broad shoulders and strong physique, his unruly mop of dark hair and the boyish gleam in his sea blue eyes made me blush like a school girl. Because that's what being around him reduced me to...a blubbering mess of hormones and lowly quips that made me feel like a teenager riding the heights of puberty.

"Looking for this?"

My eyes caught what he was holding in his hand, more like dangling in front of my face.

My key!

Leaping to my feet, I nearly stumbled back and fell again but managed to catch my balance, reaching for my ticket back to bed. He held his hand higher, too high. High enough to keep me wanting without the promise of getting it.

"Give it to me!"

"That sounds a lot like what you said the first night."

My mouth fell open, appalled that he would bring it up again.

"Now," he took a step closer to me and I immediately took a huge one back, my hip hitting the table hard. I turned my face away when he loomed closer, his lips brushing against my cheek. "Why don't you be a good little girl and get down on all fours again? We could pick things up where we left off..."

That was it. I summoned the strength to resist his advances and shoved him on the chest, hard. Caught off-guard, Aidan stumbled back, his thick brows furrowing momentarily before his face broke out into a wide grin.

"I was only joking."

Joking or not, that was not funny. My heart beat faster, my skin still tingling from the feel of his lips against my skin. Not even close.

"Key. Now."

"Alright, alright." Aidan stepped forward and for a second, I thought he was really going to give it over. I think that's what he meant to do as well, before he thought better of it and secured his palm around my escape in one tight fist. "On second thought, let me walk you to your door."

"What? No. That won't be necessary!"

"I insist."

Before I could even protest, Aidan stalked off in the direction of the stairs, throwing me a teasing smirk over his shoulder. If he weren't so goddamn smooth, I'd have murdered him by now. I caught up to him fairly quickly, Aidan having slowed his pace to make sure I did and we walked side-by-side in silence.

When Jane, my older sister, had given me a free ticket on the three-week Caribbean cruise for my birthday, I was thrilled. A vacation is exactly what I needed. A break away from work and the mundane reality my life had settled into...and an invitation for adventure, an opportunity to break out from the shy, quiet person I've always been. No one would know me here, after all. No one would know the hard-working yet quiet introvert, the Plain Jane I'd been growing up. I could finally explore a different side of myself...finally, have fun.

And I did.

I did chance upon an entirely new spectrum of who I am. Someone, who wasn't afraid to speak up and be curt when needed, someone who had the nerve to put an irritable idiot in his place if needed to...someone who'd slept with said idiot on the third night of the cruise.

I should have been more cautious that night. Alcohol and I never mixed and yet, I'd shot down more vodka that one night than I had my entire life. Fast forward to the next morning where I'd woken up with a pounding migraine and a man I'd never once seen before in my bed.

Aidan.

He'd constantly pursued me since that night, popping up coincidentally wherever I was on the cruise. With his witty remarks, and dashingly good looks, he had a ready crowd of women behind him and yet I was his sole target. I wasn't sure whether to be honored or worried but all I felt every time I saw him was anger...and just a tinge of excitement.

He brought out the worst in me. I shouldn't feel that way at all.

"Well then, princess, looks like we're here."

I snapped out of my thoughts and realized Aidan had come to a stop in front of my door. Shooting him another unfriendly glower, I stepped forward and took the key. Surprisingly, he didn't put up a fight. I could feel him behind me as I inserted the key, my hand shaking a little, and turned it to the right, the door clicking open. I even paused, for the shortest of time, to see if he would stop me but he didn't.

Slightly disappointed, I opened the door and was about to step in when I felt him. Press against my back, grab my wrist and hold me. He was so gentle, a vast difference to the way he had continued to tease and irk me over the past week and a half. I gulped, searching for my voice but he had a way of silencing me with just his touch. I hated that.

"Caitlyn."

I closed my eyes, drunken memories of that night flooding through my mind. Him, pressing me up against this very door, kissing my neck as I'd giggled and sighed...us, tumbling on the bed and laughing together as we took off our clothes... I squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to remember the rest. Why did it have to come back to me now?

I felt Aidan's breath on the back of my neck, his hand trailing up my arm and resting on the crook of my shoulder.

"Spend the day with me tomorrow."

My eyes flashed open.

Tomorrow morning, we'd be touching land. It was a day of exploration with the tour guides around the island, a day I'd been looking forward to as I'm sure everyone else was. He was asking me to give that up? Or was he asking me to share it with him instead?

"I want to get to know you," he whispered, his breath causing goosebumps to rise up on my skin. His hand trailed up my neck causing a fluttering of my heart, cupping my jaw and directing my head toward him, to look at him.

"Please."

This was so sudden. So different to his usual behavior. Yet, I couldn't find it in me to deny him. His sea-blue eyes swirled with hope and I found myself wanting to be the one to fulfil them. With a deep, shaky breath, I nodded my consent.

Aidan smiled. He dropped his hand and stepped back, giving me enough space to breathe but I wasn't sure I wanted it anymore, feeling rather cold all of a sudden. If Aidan noticed my body's reaction, unnaturally aching closer to him, he didn't say a thing.

"Then, I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay," I whispered shyly, a little dumbfounded. His smile turned into an ear-to-ear grin and I watched as he turned away, his hands slipping into his pockets and left, humming a happy tune to himself.

What had just happened? Had I just said 'yes' to spending the entire day of the tour tomorrow with the man that irritates me to my wits' end? A man I knew virtually nothing about?

Groaning under my breath at my idiocy, I turned and entered my room. I needed a good night's rest for tomorrow. It better be worth it.

He better be.

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/drop a message here if you have a request/

© Beatrice Manuel

#insatiable #romance #imagines #own character #OC x OC

[ldprecovery-blog]

How it all came to be...

Why, how, what, when…?

This post is about my backstory, which I didn’t realise was so complex until I began writing it down. It makes me feel incredibly sad and sorry for the old me, but regardless, our pasts make us who we are today so instead, I’m embracing my tale of woe and writing this hoping to connect with those who read it, those who might be suffering from mental health issues or eating disorders like I did. So let’s start from the beginning….

I had a wonderful childhood: two loving parents who adored me and a younger sister. From the age of five I started gymnastics and it turned out I was pretty good at it. I trained five, sometimes six times a week with fierce dedication. I was determined to be the best and I wanted to win competitions, which I mostly did. I guess I was quite competitive. At the age of 16 I became the National Champion for my category and it was a glorious moment; I’d worked so hard for this day. Alongside gymnastics, I danced with a troop and performed in many shows. I also played netball and entered most school sports competitions. My grades at school were always very good and through hard work and commitment, I performed very well academically. Things were great for 16 year old me. I met my first love in the Sixth Form whilst studying for my A levels. It was an exciting time for me because I felt so ‘normal’ and my social life had always been second to my training regime. So, I was living this wonderful life where I felt amazing in so many ways - school was going well, I was sporty, body confident and had a boyfriend who really, really liked me. Perfect! Oh, and I ate food by the bucket load! In fact, I LOVED food. People would always say to me, ‘Where do you put it all? Do you have hollow legs?’ Well I was doing so much sport that I was burning calories at lightning speed and to be honest, I was proud of how much I could eat, really proud! I remember one time, I went to my new boyfriend’s Dad’s house for a good old Sunday roast - my favourite! We got there and I waited patiently for my plate of food (I was used to helping myself to generous portions, always going back for seconds and sometimes thirds. This was swiftly followed by pudding of some kind). I was sooooo hungry when we arrived. When his Dad presented me with my long awaited roast dinner, my first thought was, ‘Where’s the rest of it?!’ But his Dad smiled and said, ‘Now don’t worry if you can’t finish it, I know there’s a lot there.’ Was he joking? I knew I’d nail that!

So after clearing my plate easily, I felt their eyes on me...they were either impressed or in shock. I was asked if I wanted seconds and of course I said yes. And yes to the dessert that followed. I could eat a lot, I had a huge appetite and I liked that about myself. I didn’t know what a calorie was then or how to count it. I didn’t know what had fat in it and what didn’t. I certainly wasn’t intolerant to any food groups and I ate what I felt like, when I felt like it. Food was food and nothing more. Little did I know this was all about to change, and spiral out of control into a full blown ED.

Cause 1:

The first major (and root) cause of my ED and negative body image was finding out my Dad was having an affair with a woman that went to the same exercise class as him. My Mum was beside herself, as was I. In a heartbeat, my world shattered. He left that night and I hated him for what he had done. My Mum was left in pieces with no one there to pick her up, apart from me. I was 17 at the time and my sister was 12. I had to grow up very quickly indeed. My Mum needed me to help her through. I don’t really think my sister understood what was going on but what she did know was that daddy didn’t love mummy anymore and didn’t want to be around us either. He just left us, burying his head in the sand to avoid his own feelings of guilt, betrayal and abandonment. His new life had no room for us and the ‘other woman’ didn’t like him seeing his children….it’s fair to say I hated her. What I didn't realise at the time, being just 17 years old, was that the whole situation planted a toxic idea in my head: we weren’t enough for him...I wasn’t enough.

Cause 2:

A few months passed and in that time I cried a lot. And I mean A LOT. Then came the second cause of my ED. I contracted the most awful bout of food poisoning which left me hospitalised. I was on a drip, had all sorts of injections to stop the sickness and ended up losing a tonne of weight. After I recovered I returned to ‘normal’ life.  It was shortly after this that it happened and I remember the exact moment which I now know to be the beginning of my ED. I was in my bedroom and suddenly caught my reflection in the mirror, sideways on: I saw a rounded, bloated belly that I’d not seen before….. ‘what the heck is that?!’ I thought to myself. Having stared at it for a while I decided it was fat and it needed to go quickly, so maybe I should stop eating things with fat in them, because obviously fat makes you fat, right? (Poor little me, clueless and naive - how wrong I was). After a couple of weeks I decided that my stomach was not getting any better so I went to the Drs because something must be wrong. Well it turned out, the food poisoning had wiped out my gut flora and ripped my insides to shreds, so they were sore! Of course they were sore, I’d just had the worst food poisoning imaginable! So the Dr concluded that I had developed intolerances and suggested I cut out wheat and gluten (Hmmm, a restrictive diet. ALARM BELLS RINGING FOR ANYONE RIGHT NOW?!) So, happy with my diagnosis, off I went to find gluten free products (which at the time weren’t really heard of, not like today’s market) and I was actually quite excited by the novelty. So with the gluten food group cut out, I lessened my symptoms but it was still happening. I went back to the Dr and this time he told me to cut out dairy (SECOND ALARM BELL ANYONE?!). So off I went, cutting out all forms of gluten and dairy, but without the success I was hoping for! My symptoms were alleviated slightly but not gone and I just wanted them gone! After that, I took matters into my own hands and spent hours on the internet researching what could be wrong and how to fix it. I found the Candida Albicans diet, the IBS diet and the food combining protocol. Well….I did them all in one go. I just had to get rid of this bloating! This lasted for a year and in that year I unintentionally lost a LOT of weight. I went from a healthy size 10 to a 6, still training 6 times a week and expending a phenomenal number of calories without fueling my body. I was running on empty constantly. I was weak, I looked ill, I was always cold and my mood was unpredictable. Everything seemed to annoy me and I had many a fall out with my boyfriend who probably had no idea what had happened to his once lively, happy girlfriend. I was utterly miserable and I wore baggy clothes to hide this disgusting and hideous bloating that continued to rule my life. I would stand in the mirror sideways for hours. I’d take photographs of my stomach before and after eating for comparisons and I’d cry on the floor about it when I saw the difference. I sought out herbal healers, hypnotherapists, private doctors….you name it, I tried it! I look back on 19 year old me and think, ‘you poor, poor girl. If only you’d just given your stomach time to heal instead of cutting out X,Y and Z, would things have been different?’

Cause 3:

The third cause, (or turning point really) came when I was at breaking point. I’d had enough of not eating anything at all and still being bloated. I was avoiding most food groups but getting nowhere. Naturally, I rebelled and said ‘f*** it’ to the diets: I decided that I would just eat EVERYTHING because I wasn't getting any better either way. Having starved and deprived myself of nutrients and flavours for months, I was like a wild animal, taken over by lust for the food that was forbidden! And that was my first binge. When I finally snapped out of my binge-eating trance, along came new feelings that I’d not really experienced after food before: guilt, followed by a wave of disgust, self loathing and dismay. But that was just the beginning and I thought about gorging on food constantly after that, becoming a regular binge eater. Having practically starved myself for a year, this new way of eating meant I began putting weight back on, but turns out I didn’t like that one bit. I hated seeing yet another unwanted change in my body and desperately sought to control my weight gain. So while binge eating in secret and then punishing myself with additional exercise, misusing laxatives and attempting (but failing) to make myself sick, I went back to the doctor who referred me to a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that the food combining diet I had done sounded awfully like slimming world and if I wanted a nutrition plan like that then maybe I should look into it….was she SERIOUS?! To this day I cannot believe that this lady, who must have seen the ED in me, told me to look into another diet. Well obviously, being desperate to lose weight, I went along! Oh and it lasted only a few weeks before the binge cycle kicked  back in and I put the weight I’d lost on again. When I look back now, I was barely a size 10 by this point but in my head I was enormous. After attempting slimming world I just returned to exercising like crazy, not eating, then binging, trying to follow some of my old diets etc and then binging again. Enter the fourth cause.

Cause 4:

Remember my first love? Well, he’d been going out a lot around that time, disappearing off with his friends, leaving me at his house with his family or forgetting to come over to mine. He’d started going out clubbing and drinking almost every weekend and things were ‘off’. Looking back, I’m not surprised because he was a young 20 year old lad and his girlfriend was going through some serious stuff that he couldn't even begin to understand….I barely understood myself! Don’t get me wrong though, I am merely explaining his behaviour, not excusing it. So one night, he tells me that he wants to go on a ‘break’, a bit like the whole Ross and Rachel thing from Friends I guess. I was stunned: why, what, how…? I couldn’t make sense of it. I loved him so much and thought we would be together forever. He was everything I thought I wanted. He told me that he needed to do this so that we could then be together again - it was necessary to strengthen us. ‘Don’t worry,’ he told me, ‘this is so we can get back together again and be happy.’ (Pffffffft?!)

So I went along with it, only to discover that whilst he’d been out partying all those weekends he’d met someone else - someone who I saw as very attractive. But all I could think was, ‘I bet she has a flat stomach….’ How sad, right? Throughout the next year he strung us both along, telling me that he missed me but she she’d fallen in love with him and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted us both. Of course, I was foolish enough to believe his lies and still pandered to him when he called, went to his family’s events and when he said jump, I said how high. I loved him unconditionally, but blindly. I was in constant fear of losing him to the other girl who also loved him and I couldn’t lose. I realise now that this must have been a reflection of the situation with my Mum and Dad. One time, he was coming back from a lad holiday and he’d asked me to go round and wait for him to get back. Before the flight, he’d text me a lovely message about missing me and that he loved me. Anyway, for whatever reason - fear, jealousy, distrust - when he’d fallen asleep I looked through his phone messages. He had been sending identical messages to the both of us. I couldn't believe it. I was beside myself, again! All the while, each and every day my feelings of not being good enough were furiously reinforced. She was better than me and I just wasn’t pretty enough, slim enough, fun enough…..you name it, I thought I wasn’t enough of it.

The final straw was a few weeks later when I met someone I quite liked and began texting him. But, he found out somehow and went bonkers at me. He told me I’d ruined everything now and there was no way we would get back together. Looking back at this I know I should have walked away then and there, but all I felt then was hopeless and full of regret, like somehow this was all my fault. It was around that time I did something I never imagined I’d do: I overdosed on paracetamol.

I had no intention of killing myself at any point, it just sort of happened. I was in so much pain, emotional pain, that I think I confused it with physical pain and I wanted it gone. I wanted to end it all and I also wanted him to be sorry. So it happened out of despair and instantly I regretted it. I thought that I would be OK but after being rushed to the hospital, they took some blood tests and realised I’d taken a dangerous amount. I spent the next two nights on a drip to flush out my system and have a psychiatric assessment. What a fool I’d been and how selfish of me to scare my family like that. Even after that experience I was still in contact with my ex, hoping that we might be together again one day. One day though, I’d had enough of feeling the need to compete with another girl and I asked him to do one thing for me. I told him that if he loved me like he said he did, he could do one thing for me and just be in a relationship with this other girl. I knew this was the only way I could move forwards. And he did it.

After all these years, I’ve completely let go of the hurt and anger I felt towards my ex. I forgive him for everything and actually wish I could apologise for putting him through so much without even realising. I hope he is truly happy with his life and family and thank him for some lovely memories. If only I knew then what I know now.

Cause 6:

Cause number six happened over a number of years when I turned to dieting to make myself more attractive and control my ‘bloat’. I even went as far as having some minor surgery - a form of lipo, to remove the fat from my stomach and hips. It was a traumatic process, both painful and distressing, with a long, long recovery time. I put myself through so much pain and paid a LOT of money just to be my idea of ‘beautiful’. And did the results last? Of course not! Maybe for about 6 months and then the binge eating cycle kicked in again. From then on I entertained a number of dieting mechanisms: I used My Fitness Pal to calorie count, went on the Dukan Diet once (which ended up giving me terrible stomach acid and I spent the night in hospital), had 2 rounds of CBT in between after telling the Dr I was struggling with my feelings, went on My Fitness Pal again, tried another online diet, upped my exercise in all kinds of ways and then went on a diet plan with a trained fitness instructor and coach, which meant that by Summer 2015 I was a very small size 8 and through food combining I had ‘fixed’ my bloating. Oh and was I happy with myself? No. Of course not!! And was the bloating ‘gone’? NO….it returned and my mood changed instantly whenever it happened. I woke up anxious every morning wondering if it would be a good bloat day or a bad one. Could I see how bony I looked? No. Was I relaxed and enjoying life? No. Was I present in the moment? No. There is one silver lining though. What I haven’t told you is that I met the love of my life in that time too - he’s now my fiance and the centre of my universe. I met him when I was 25, through a friend I went to uni with. Having an ED isn’t something you just come out with and in all honesty, I didn't want to admit that I had one then. Food scared the life out of me, but I didn’t show that to anyone. After the first few dates I knew I liked this guy - he was funny and full of life and he made me feel desperate to be part of that. He was the sort of person I wanted to just hang out with. So things progressed and we got together. One morning, after I had stayed at over, I was feeling hungry, like any normal human, but his suggestion for breakfast was….wait for it…..nachos with cheese. Now, my face looked calm and my response was ‘sure’ but on the inside I was having a melt down and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! I was petrified. I knew that I was going to eat some of the nachos and rather than thinking, ‘that’s OK I’ll just have a few and then say I’m full’ I knew that I would have one or two and then the binge eating monster would take, revelling in the taste of a forbidden food. The thing I’ve learnt about forbidden food is that it makes you obsess over it and then when given half a chance to eat it, it’s almost like permission to stuff your face silly. Hunger doesn’t even come into it. I knew that I’d go into ‘f*** it’ mode and eat mindlessly, feeling guilt with every bite. I knew my stomach would bloat after that and I’d then have to do extra gym sessions to pay for the calories. Crazy right? And was he any the wiser? Of course not! I was an expert at hiding it. But, after a year together, it was hard to hide certain things and he began to notice, for example, how excruciatingly long it would take me to choose from a restaurant menu (I’ll go into detail about that in another post). He witnessed my confidence dwindling as I began to put on weight. He watched as I undertook a variety of diets and how much I panicked and cried when we travelled around Europe. For every meal I had to find something I could eat that would fit in with my diet plan and not bloat me out. He loved me and just wanted me to be happy and he felt helpless in being able to do that. But, he stuck by me and told me there was more to me than my ED. I didn't believe him though - it took a lot longer for me to see that. Anyway, I’ll talk more about my relationship in another post.

Back to cause number 6 - you could say it was a combination of a series of diets, losing weight, gaining weight, stress at work (which I haven’t mentioned before but is another one I will come to in a different post) and feeling like this amazing guy who I had fallen in love with would leave me if I wasn’t what I thought to be perfect in every way ( essentially a certain weight, shape and size). Oh how wrong I was. He stuck by me, loved me with all his heart and proposed in Paris a year and a half ago. Of course I said yes. I still had ED issues, as I hadn’t really addressed them but I pushed them to the back of my mind and told myself to snap out of it. It was shortly after that we made the decision to move and teach abroad as he had always wanted to travel and I wasn't happy in my job in the UK anymore. 

The final straw:

So off we went to Singapore, relocating our entire life. Wow, what a whirlwind of change that was which naturally brought with it a whole bunch of stress. Needless to say my ED came out in full force and I constantly mirror checked, cried about how much weight I was putting on, attempted to diet again in so many ways, binged again, over exercised and cried some more. It was when we had just returned from our trip to a beautiful island in Malaysia when I decided I’d had enough of dreading going on holiday because of wearing a bikini and not being able to go to the gym or control what I was eating. What was the point in living this amazing lifestyle where I could travel to Bali, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam - the dream life - if I feared it? I wasn’t present. I was stuck in my own head and this ferocious storm cloud followed my every move, ready to attack when I was vulnerable. Oh and it attacked. Not only did it attack but knocked me off my feet, spun me round and spat me back out, with my fiance left to pick up the pieces. I decided to put an end to it all once and for good and, having already read Mel Well’s book The Goddess Revolution, I knew I needed to make changes. It just so happened that an email came through that day with a last chance offer to sign up to Mel’s Goddess Academy which aimed to heal your relationship with yourself and with food. We had been discussing counselling, CBT and all sorts of things to help me but I felt apprehensive in a brand new country. When this came through we both knew I didn’t have anything to lose. And it was the best thing I have ever done. The Goddess Academy has turned my life around, bringing me to the point I am at today. I worked through a series of tutorials, tasks and practices, with support from an amazing network of females on the same journey. Since graduating from The Academy I’ve never been more present and happy in myself and in my life. I now accept my body, love my body, nourish my body, forgive my body, listen to my body and protect my body. I understand my ED and know how to deal with it. I have strategies to cope with my triggers and I don’t need to binge anymore. I despise diets and know that there is no such thing as a ‘diet that really works’. They are NOT sustainable! I am now able to appreciate my incredible life and feel grateful for my friends and family. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I appreciate the little things in life, finding joy in them instead of feeling sad that I don’t look a certain way. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a number of triggers and sometimes old thoughts, feelings and habits creep back in, but they are few and far between now. I am armed with shield and sword to fight them off! So, now I have decided to share this journey with the world because I want to help others find a pathway to freedom from EDs and self loathing. I also really enjoy journaling and writing - it lights me up so that I feel ‘full’ on life and not food. So here I am, This is my story. This the start of another journey to a happier, brighter and upgraded version of me. Enjoy.

#ed recovery

[skinnthin10-blog]

EMPTY

​My stomach groans in wait of food a perfect symbol of my empty mood Eyes are the window to the soul My eyes are empty, dark, and cold Slow suicide by self starvation idolized by an obese nation encouraging self mutilation teaching children how to hate deny yourself and achieve perfection learn to cringe at your reflection a diet requires some self control soon you're addicted to reaching your goals "I'd know if I had a problem" "it's healthy to exercise often" "I just have a small appetite" "I promise that I'm alright" the less you eat, the more you lose a single touch can cause a bruise and of the things that you have left the strongest thing will be regret.

ANA

I met a girl named Ana she is beautiful in every possible way her body is perfect, and she was determined to stay I made a friend named Ana she promised to tell me her secrets of perfection what I didn't know wouldn't kill me until it led to addiction my best friends name is Ana she's always talking to me recommending to skip two meals maybe even three I hate a girl named Ana  she promised me pleasure instead I feel dead inside it's nothing but torture I'm prisoner to a girl named Ana please, somebody listen to my silent cries I can't speak my own mind help me before I die! my murderers name is Ana she made me starve, she made me weak death wasn't the solution I tried to seek.

BULIMIA

​The stomach pain is horrendous The taste of dessert coming back The look of disaster stab me, choke me, kill me The disapproval upon the faces The miserable sounds in the background The insecurity peaking out save me, help me, rescue me The choke before the gag The spit before the rest The death in my stomach take me, be me, please The blood in my gums The ache in my throat It's over- I'm alright again.

ANOREXIC DREAM

​I wonder if you'd want to know I named all of my demons after you  And  They haunt me in my sleep When I was 14 I fell asleep in April And dreamed of bones and  I'm not sure I've really ever woken up Since When I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference When I lost 10 pounds my mother said I was looking good When I lost 20 pounds I stopped drinking anything because I felt water had calories When I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap And held my bones together for me When I lost 35 started fainting every morning And The doctors could no longer easily find my Blood pressure When I lost 40 people started to stare  And food made me cry When I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down It hurt to eat It hurt to breathe and I started throwing up my empty Stomach The mind plays tricks on those that  decide nourishment is not needed Eat.

ANOREXIA

You may not want me here But I am here to stay I can help you kill Those pounds you wish away To improve your image And help you feel delight To stare into your reflection And love the beautiful sight We'll start with just a pound Or maybe even more Just walk into your bathroom And behind you shut the door It's okay darling Not losing weight yet? Alright, we'll cut some meals No need to be upset You're shedding weight pound for pound But still you are not pleased Your own reflection mocks you And in public you are teased Even now as you look in the mirror You still want to lose it all Down to 60 pounds And all of your teardrops fall You still felt worthless, Not good enough And life around you Was getting too tough You were killing yourself And you just wanted it to end You still wanted more Of what I recommend And now you're dead Because you were a little overweight And you never believed your friends When they told you "you look great"

INSIDE THE MIND OF AN ANOREXIC

​Why don't you eat? Simple question, right? You'd expect a simple answer that's not what you did though.  So, why don't I eat? I'm tired, I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I'm tired of looking like this. I'm tired of wanting to be one of those skinny ones. When you look at me what do you see? I see myself and I see fat. I see not good enough. I see not skinny enough. I see ugly. So why is it that I don't eat? I want to lose weight. I want to be one of the skinny ones. I want to fit in. I want someone to notice how much weight I'm losing. I want someone to notice me. You eat and think nothing of it. I eat and I think about how I'm going to have to work it all off. How I must get rid of it, I must not eat, how it's not worth it. So, I don't eat. I say I'm not hungry, in my head I say I'm not good enough. I step on the scale and see lost weight. I get happy, it doesn't last though. I want to lose more. I go days without eating trying to lose weight, I pass by mirrors and keep my head down, afraid to see how I look. Afraid to see I'm not losing weight fast enough. I eat something small and feel guilty, thinking something small will only make me gain weight. There are days when I want to eat, I want to give up and eat a huge meal. I have to get past the urges. Telling myself that I don't need to eat. A cracker here and a cracker there, a glass of water to keep myself alive. I run until my body hurts, until I can't breathe. As the days go by my body gets weaker and weaker, it gets harder to focus, I wake in the middle of the night wanting food. I tell myself I don't need it. I tell myself that losing weight is worth more than food. So, why don't I eat?

POEM ABOUT FOOD

​choosing clothes looking in the mirror starring into a stranger. we know tonight we'll skip dinner to wake up a little bit thinner. walking with your dog will never be the same and this time we know who else we can blame. the 15 glasses of water can taste like your favorite juice but only if you listen to the girl in your head saying "keep going, at least your are not dead" yet. no matter how much you scream she wont let you out cause you are not even thin. "but my bones are showing up!" "but my hipbones can pierce you up!" "i don't care. you are not ready yet!" "here, try this cigarette" starvation will let flowers grow in your emptiness and the feeling of hunger will always mean comfort to those who met my friend claiming she shares happiness. the strength of those who were listening will be already gone and whispering: "be careful with what she shares maybe not even ana cares." ABC DIET

​Water. Low-calorie, no-calorie, sugar-free and...water. When i only ate a bite of my lunch and threw the rest away. You didn't notice. And you didn't notice how i always went to the bathroom straight after eating, either. Of course. You didn't follow me, so you couldn't have heard my tears hit the floor as i told myself to push my fingers just a little farther down my throat. Choking as my sanity came up and flushing it down the toilet. Washing my mouth out, careful not to swallow the extra calories that might be lurking in the tap water like demons. Trying diets i had found on the internet. Sneaking food into the trash when you weren't looking. Eating in front of a mirror. Crying over a bathroom scale, Cause i only felt pretty when i was hungry. constantly attempting the ABC diet. 500 calories the first day, 500 calories the second day, 300 calories, 400, 100, 200, 300, 400, 500, Fast. Ana was my best friend. Along with her sister Mia. Reminding me how fat and ugly i look in every mirror or pane of glass i so much as glanced at. Promising that life would be better when i'm thin. And i believed them. 150, 200, 400, 350, 250, 200, Fast. Some people say they don't remember the first time they chose not to eat. I do. I remember looking at the food on my plate and telling myself I wouldn't eat because I wanted to be pretty. 200, 100, Fast. I lost 5 pounds, then 10, then 20. Striving to be double digits and not triple. I was so focused on becoming the shape I was supposed to be. "Nothing tastes as great as skinny feels" I would tell myself, twisting and turning in the mirror, sucking in my stomach. 250, 200, 150, 100, 50, 100, 200, 200, 300, 800, Fast. I told you about my eating disorder, But you shook your head and rolled your eyes and told me to shut up because i didn't look "anorexic" 250, 350, 450, Fast. Fighting a daily battle, trying to convince myself it is just an apple, not 95 calories, 13 hours without food, 75 sit ups. Trying to reprogram my brain to be normal.   500, 450, 400, 350, 300, 250, 200, 200, 250, 200, 300, 200, 150, Fast. Am i pretty yet?

MIA

"Dance for me my puppet."  And so I danced for her. "Bind yourself to me my dear" And so I bound myself to her.  "Listen to me and no one else." And so I listened to only her.  ​"Starve yourself for me my precious." And so killed myself for her.