#shit stained walls bro you cant shower there | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

swampgallows · 3 years

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i was trying to discuss w my therapist yesterday how people have been like “well it’s okay i know youre going through it” to me no matter what’s going on, and the dissection of whether or not i am like “broadcasting” a crisis mode constantly or if it really is my default state that i am just in a constant fucking slog. one of the methods we discussed is “find out where you collapse” in terms of work-hardening/building resilience and i just fucking collapse at the drop of a hat man.

“youre not getting enough traction to build up steam to get going to do stuff, so you collapse back to uncertainty.” direct from my notes

it is so fucking difficult to climb out of this goddamn fucking rut when the walls keep slipping, keep losing my footing, whatever the fuck with the goddamn abstract. i try not to beat myself up about shit and i try to just say “well, that didn’t work out”, but holy fucking shit, at this point there’s something inherently wrong with me that shit just keeps being insurmountable, that im still constantly this giant bruise, that the smallest victories are immediately torn down or blown up in my face, that my plans fall apart like wet tissue. like. it’s just conditioned me to not be curious anymore, to struggle with inspiration, all that fucking garbage.

it fucked my whole shit when i realized bitterness was sublimated anger, and now that i am trying to be hopeful, trying to be inspired, that fervor just crests as this ugly fucking...rage. i want things to work out so bad because i try to the best of my ability to make shit happen, and it’s like the world just constantly disappoints me over and over. people i trust and care about keep letting me down. more ways than i care to be vocal about on this blog. but i am so tired of being in this pit of where the only thing i can manage to do is one chore once a day, or where managing to shower and wash my face is celebratory. i am so fucking sick of this pit. i am so fucking frustrated that i keep slipping back into this muddy fucking hovel of an existence where i continuously have no reason to get out of bed and wear rags and blood-stained underwear held together by threads. i have been here and having these feelings for nearly a decade. maybe a full decade. i cant remember enough to know.

i dont fucking know how to get my shit together. i dont even know what shit i have left to bale up. everything is fucking darkness. “plant flags/flares to give yourself a course to walk, to have enough hardiness to walk that course, and plant another flag.” fucking darkness bro. there is fucking nothing. it’s four walls of fucking darkness for years and years. what the fuck do i keep living for?

gonna have one of those calm down brownies even though i feel like im gonna throw up and hope it knocks me out i guess. feel like im gonna tear my skin off otherwise

#blathering

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