#so basically a lot of uncomfortable embarrassing and sad stuff that i didn't want anyone else to see or reread myself

[lqnar]

i should write this stuff in my diary

#yeah i started a journal #i need to use my stickers for SOMETHING right #i love stationery it is my newest obsession #i'm spending so much money on it but i usually don't buy stuff so it's okay it's fine i will survive. #''i usually don't buy stuff'' ok liar but what i meant is that i generally only splurge on food. #which obviously isn't great all of the time. hence the bulimia. #so buying stickers and washi tape to feel an ounce of happiness is fine. #i used to journal/vent in a notebook in high school #i ripped out every single page and threw it out at one point #i think close to graduation? #it was really helpful to vent all my feelings in it but it was also really dark stuff about my depression and suicide plans #and also my trauma. and every single song lyric i related to at the time #so basically a lot of uncomfortable embarrassing and sad stuff that i didn't want anyone else to see or reread myself #so it's all gone #as is most of my venting from that time. i had a 50 k word document with venting at one point. that's a whole book #50 k words sounds insane it might just have been 50 pages i can't remember tbh. but still a lot of words. #it's gone now. i deleted everything about that situation and every single one of my tumblr posts when i was going to kill myself #i tend to clean out my life and my embarrassing online posts and every note i have ever written when i think i'm going to die soon. #i'm not suicidal anymore but it still is a mindset i somewhat still have. like oh better remember to delete these embarrassing posts #before i kms. #like ok king but have you considered mental health as a Choice bro just wondering