#so many photos holy fuck i felt popular lol

[argiopi]

fave con pics :] plz no rb I just want to show!

#you get tiny versions because Dear God Don't Perceive Me #but also Look Look ! #cosplay #oh i had some lovely conversations with people... #so many photos holy fuck i felt popular lol #got stopped 3 times in a row while walking to a panel TTvTT #i've never been to a con in cosplay that isn't half-closet before #it's so !! $@$!@! ! ! %! #i love fandom i love fandom i love fandom i love fandom #i wanna build more cosplays woo woo #my other dream cosplay is edelgard but that's Advanced and i will def need more than a week LOL #i got a friend with access to a large-format 3d printer so i might try printing mask for better symmetry & smoothness. also it was heavy rip #scab on my jaw from where the edge was rubbing LOL #(silk is real silk that was important to me) #(you can't quite tell but mantle is brocade and has spider lilies on it) (very lucky find) #outfit feels divine and honestly once i clean it up a little i could wear it on its own if i feel like being fancy. #in the second photo that wall was like 10ft tall and security yelled at me for climbing up there lmaoo #been Very Busy about to get even more Very Busy #i am currently (should be currently) packing to move #going to live in the forest for a few months. online availability will be ? ? ? ? ? ? no idea if i will have wifi or even electricity! #shoutout to the fellow congoers waiting in the train station who roused me from my slumber when i was trying to take a nap #and talked to me for like an hour while we waited for our respective trains #i enjoy the con experience of barely eating or sleeping all weekend and feeling fine then crashing once it ends and there is no more hype #Exploring my extroverted side? ò_ó #GAHH BYE I NEED TO ORGANIZE EVERYTHING I OWN INTO BOXES. FML.

[taestykooky]

My Evolution in Stanning Jaebeom / GOT7

Ever since yesterday? Was it yesterday? I’ve lost track of time...I’ve been hugging my body pillow and rolling around in bed squealing and moaning “Jaebeom-ah”. I’ve literally accomplished nothing, the dishes are still in the sink, the cat has been destroying everything and I don’t even care... I’m a fucking mess. Did I even eat anything? Thank god I didn’t have work, tomorrow however is going to be a challenge. How am I suppose to go back into society like this? His oh delicious body, that darn belly button and happy trail with his damn gorgeous face keep replaying in my head. *sigh*

When did I become so fucking thirsty for this man? When did the admiration and love for him turn into this? Like yeah, I’ve always been a huge fan, his smile always brighten my day. Don’t get me started with his eyes... his voice, oh god but like I can still partly function after hours of calming down. But this, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Every time I look at him now, even when he’s acting all cute, I’m lusting for him. Like shit sis, a picture of him just sitting there at a fan sign has me all hot and bothered. Wtf?

A part of me is screaming, “girl, pull yourself together! He ain’t even know you exist.” But like I know and but I just can’t stop. It’s just crazy to think back when I first saw him during the dream high/bounce era, I thought he was cute. It was so innocent. When he debuted again with GOT7, I was excited to see and get to know him & the others. Of course, he became my bias but it was pure admiration of who he is and how talented he was.

Was it during the Just Right era that I found him to be more attractive than usual? I think that sounds about right, that scene with him in the car...And then came MAD’s If You Do, boy did my heart fluttered. I remember replaying Tic Tic Tok over and over just to hear his sexy voice. That song did things to me especially his “내 맘이 너를 원해 나와 같기를 바래, 나에게 너를 맡겨 You know you like it, baby”. Seriously? I replayed that part so many time I felt sorry for the rewind button.

Looking back now, he was the joy of my life, something to look forward to after school. I struggled a lot during that time but GOT7 was my light through it all and still is.

When Fly came out, I was absolutely in love with it. His voice starting it was heaven to my ears and he looked so damn fine...(maybe this was when the thirst slowly started?) I remember singing along so much that even now when it comes on randomly on my iTunes that I just instinctively singalong.

Oh boy and then Hard Carry. The whole Turbulence album is one of my all-time favorites. 니꿈꿔 (Dreamin’) was on repeat for the longest time, like his voice is so clear and delicious. I still squeal when it comes on and singalong like the fangirl I am...

The beginning of DefSoul. This boy was already out to destroy me...I should have seen it coming. His voice is really divine though. I remember being nervous to click on Bad Habit because that little inner voice knew he was going to wreck me. And oh god, he sure delivered. Don’t get me wrong I love everyone in GOT7 but hearing just Jaebeom’s voice is just absolutely heavenly. Holic is still being played every night before I head to bed. I guess 2016 was when the thirst began.

Next was the Arrival album, it’s another of my favorites, just like Turbulence, I can listen to the whole album on repeat and I did lol... Paradise & Go Higher were played back to back A LOT. Never Ever was always playing on my desktop when I was doing things and I’m not gonna lie I always stared at Jaebeom’s parts because I have issues...

Then holy shit, JJ Project made a comeback! Verse 2, dear lord, I remember being so sad because I couldn’t afford the album when it first came out. My paycheck wasn’t gonna be there for another week. I cursed at myself for going out to eat a few days before with some girlfriends... When I finally got it, I was so ecstatic. That album was absolutely the best. Fade Away was played so many time, I really can’t get enough of him.

7 for 7 *sigh* I swear my heart melted for this album. It was so soft. I listened to it a lot at night. Jaebeom’s vocals in You Are is one of my favorites. I’m not even gonna talk about the two mv for You Are & Teenager. It was just all squealing, singing along, and staring. 2017 was my holy grail, being blessed with 4x the Jaebeom was heaven and boy did I needed it that year.

Ah, 2018, it started with DefSoul blessing us with 5 tracks. I still can’t decide which one is my favorite between Think of You, Channel & Don’t Touch Me.

His mullet also made a debut which honestly, at this point, I’m already so whipped for him nothing he does will disappoint me or turn me off. I actually liked it and I’m usually not a fan of mullets *shrugs*

Eyes On You was a nice album, I enjoyed it. I was low-key jealous of Hyolyn...Look’s mv was played too many times, I really missed them. I was so busy in 2018 that this was the first time I saw them since their Teenager mv. I usually watch their V-Live & Web Series but life is cruel lol...

I actually missed a lot in 2018, I still need to catch up on everything I missed. But thanks to me being so busy, I delayed buying Present: You which turned out to be a blessing for my wallet. I ended up buying the repackaged album instead.

Miracle was full of emotions, and all the sub unit’s and solos were awesome~ Not Jaebeom related but King was one of my favorites. Sunrise *sigh* his voice really makes my heart yearn for him, 1:31AM especially. That 2Jae should make a debut already... Think About It made my heart hurt for some reason, idk this whole album had me in a weird headspace.

I realize I didn’t mention the Japanese albums but I do have 2 of them (I Won’t Let You Go & Moriagatteyo) and bought 3 tracks (My Swagger, Turn Up & The New Era). Their Japanese promotions are hard for me to follow and keep track of, not because I don’t like it but I don’t even know they’re promoting it until like it’s over.

And now we’re in 2019! Starting off with more DefSoul because he’s so sweet and amazing. I thought it was hard to pick a favorite before with vol.2 but vol.3 is just too hard. I just love the whole damn thing too much. His voice is so addicting and his English has improved so much it’s driving me crazy.

When I thought it couldn’t get any better, Jus2 makes a debut. Ugh, he’s really doing too much. The whole Focus album is just sinful. Every time I listen to it, all I do is have unholy thoughts. That body roll/wave whatever in Focus on Me had me swooning and his mullet is gone and he’s back with that fuckboi haircut looking so god damn good. I was watching the special for Focus on vLive and I didn’t realize it then but it was one of the times I was truly happy and enjoying myself this year. Just watching him talk about when he wrote the songs and explaining them made me so happy.

SpinningTop: Between Security & Insecurity, it’s been out for 2 months now? And I still don’t own it which makes so sad lol... There’s nothing but dust & lint in my clutch. Eclipse *sigh* I’ve been playing it on repeat and I’m sure my neighbors are sick of it. I feel like I’m burning holes in him when I watch him. Oh god, and the astronaut video, I never loved him more. Is it wrong that I want to be his fingers...not to be nasty or anything...

Lol, anyway, I haven’t listened to the rest of the album yet because I want to hear it together on the cd cause I’m weird like that. It’s killing me, I really wanna hear what Page is like. Their spoiler video was a fucking tease. They literally didn’t give any lmao...I totally wasn’t staring at his legs the whole time. Why am I like this??

The World Tour, the thing that started this whole rant. They are gonna be here in California again and once again I can’t afford the tickets. Looking now, the ones in LA that I want are $805-227, the ones I want in Oakland are sold out but I would settle for the $407-342 ones...but I don’t have that kind of money plus my car is in repairs *cries*.

But I probably would die if I went because look at him... All these fan photos and videos of him are enough to bury me in the ground. The shirtless video and pictures are really what did me in. I didn’t realize I was so fucking thirsty for him. I knew I was thirsty but not this thirsty. I never knew I could feel this way for someone that I know is unobtainable.

It’s been 7 years since he’s debuted, 5 years with GOT7 and it’s been the best 7 years of my life. Watching him continue to improve and become the man he is today has been truly a blessing. Even though, I’m a hot mess over here being a thirsty ass...my feelings did start out pure and innocent. Those feelings are still there and just evolved into something more. He just does things to me but can you blame me? He knows what he’s doing...

But seriously, looking back from the very beginning to now, I am grateful for everything he has done. All the joy and happiness he brought me throughout these years are worth the suffering.

Thank you, Jaebeom-ah for everything, even if your popularity fades one day, you’ll always be my number one.

#got7 #lim jaebeom #jaebeom #super long rant #so thirsty #the apple of my eye

[lookingglasstheatre]

1. What are you listening to right now? “Kill V. Maim” by Grimes

2. What song makes you sad? I have a whole playlist called “I Used to Know You, But Now We’re Strangers” composed entirely of songs that remind me of exes or old friends I’m not longer in contact with..

“Gimme Danger” by The Stooges is a big one, along with “Everlong” by The Foo Fighters, which both remind me of very specific relationships. But, my pick for this is “Farther” by Third Eye Blind.. it could apply to a lot of different people..

“And I think about you dying years from now never having known who you are […] All I think about is waiting and all the people we are fading into Farther from you every day..” - “Farther” Third Eye Blind

3. What is the most annoying song in the world? Songs aren’t usually annoying to me unless they’re overplayed. I don’t know, no song is annoying me at the moment. Maybe that song “We Are Young” by fun. I’m not even sure it’s annoying, I just hate it.

4. Your all time favorite band? The Birthday Massacre, probably. That would be the most unique pick. Or Elliott Smith, if that counts.

5. Your newly discovered band is? The Regrettes. It’s amazing to me that Lydia Night is like 16 years old. I hope those kids keep killing it. Good luck to them.

6. Best female voice? Hope Sandoval of Mazzy Star has an amazing voice. I wish I sounded even a little bit like her.

7. Best male voice? So, I don’t think he’s the best.. but holy shit, Ville Valo from HIM has a sexy voice. It’s so sexy as to almost make you forget how cheesy HIM lyrics are. Almost.

8. Music type you find yourself listening to most? Pop music, probably.. and shitty punk rock, lol.

9. What do you listen to, to hype you up? Depends on what I’m getting hyped up for. “Bubblegum Bitch” by Marina and The Diamonds for going out and looking pretty. All of Enema of the Sate by Blink-182 for energy in the morning. Kanye for working out. Aesthetic Perfection when I’m about to hit up a goth club, hah.

10. What do you listen to when you want to calm down? Belle and Sebastian, Slowdive, Radiohead, Lana Del Rey

11. Last gig/concert you went to? My friend’s band, Sleepsnack.

12. Band you find yourself listening to the most right now? My taste shifts once the weather gets warm so; Blink-182, Fountains of Wayne, Sufer Blood, Wavves, Third Eye Blind, My Chem’s Danger Days record.

13. Most hated band? I don’t listen to music I hate unless it’s inflicted upon me by other people against my will. So I’m not good with naming bands I don’t like. As far as bands I hate for personal or political reasons.. I hate ANY band that harasses or condones the harassment of women or minorities.

14. Song that makes you think? “Romeo’s Distress” by Christian Death. It’s such a great fucking track, but I want to believe that it’s anti-white supremacist, instead of the other way around… I have read the lyrics over and over trying to figure out if Roz Williams was actually just racist. I want to believe it was written mostly for the shock value and ultimately a song just telling a story and issuing a kind of warning.. but who knows for sure.. [sigh]

15. Band that you think the world should love as much as you do? I’m always kind of surprised more people I meet aren’t more familiar with Sneaker Pimps or IAMX’s early records. Chris Corner is kind of a hero of mine.

16. Coolest music video? Marilyn Manson’s “The Beautiful People” and the video for Death Cab for Cutie’s “Title and Registration.” “All I Full of Love” by Bjork. There are probably a bunch more I’m forgetting. All Grimes music videos.

17. Music video with the most watch? This question is phrased weirdly. But if you’re asking what music video I’ve watched the most… Malice Mizer’s “Illuminati.” Definitely. LOL. Along with Velvet Eden’s “SAD MASK.” Oh god, KALM flailing around in awful CG fire is what I LIVE for.

18. What do you play/would you play in the bedroom to spice things up? Souvlaki by Slowdive. With candles lit, after smoking together.

19. Ever been in a mosh pit? No. I would die. Look at the fucking size of me. I am a delicate doll.

20. Are you in a band? Nope. Someone start an all-girl Ramones and/or Blink-182 cover band with me.

21. Ever dated a musician? “Dated” would be kind of a strong word for it, but I had an ongoing casual thing with a guitarist in a band.

22. Do you wish yourself that you were a musician? Yes, but only because I wish I were any good at playing one of the myriad of instruments I’ve tried to learn. I wouldn’t want to be famous though.

23. Best all chick band you know of? Sleater-Kinney.

24. Last song that you heard on the radio/cd…etc…? I haven’t listened to the radio in a long, long time. I haven’t bought a CD in many years. If you’re counting any kind of physical media, I’m spinning an LP on my turntable right now; it’s Blink-182’s Enema of The State and “Anthem” just finished playing.

32. What do you think of Classical music? Eh, I can understand why some people find it boring. My mother was a classical pianist and I grew up listening to a lot of classical music. I just developed a taste for it after many years, I guess.

33. What do you think of Country music? It reminds me of growing up in Texas. There will always be at least one or two country songs I like - a lot of which reminds me of middle school dances and crying in the bathroom alone because my crush didn’t like me back. And everyone likes at least one Johnny Cash song.

34. What do you think of metal? I like it. I can only take so much screaming, to be honest.. but some bands I really love can be classified as metal.

35. Last BIG band that you saw live? Blink-182.

36. Are you a groupie? Nope.

37. Do you listen to music in foreign languages? I used to listen to a LOT of J-Rock. I also listen to music in Korean, German, Romanian, and French.

38. What famous musician would you like to “spend the night with”!?

Woman; Lauren Mayberry of Chvrches. She’s a great front woman and so, so cute.

Man; I’d say Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance, but I feel weird about it because he’s also married to another super-crush of mine; Lindsey from Mindless Self Indulgence… so maybe Elliott Smith when he was still alive. I get a strong impression that he respected women.

39. Worst concert moment? Any time someone drunkenly falls all over me and/or hits me. It always seems to happen. Also when I saw Kaya live with my sister there was a guy trying to hit on her the entire time and I felt really bad that I didn’t exactly notice until we were out of the show.

40. Funny concert moment? When I went to see Marina and The Diamonds there was a guy next to me with his boyfriend and right in front of us was a woman with her teenage son. At some point they lit up a joint and offered some to the mom (who honestly looked kind of square) and she and them got high together. It was pretty amusing watching them chill together.

41. Sad concert moment? I went to see IAMX with a boyfriend, who I loved very much, but he didn’t really know the band. A few rows back, my ex (who I had just recently broken up with) was there with a coworker. I was sad we’d gotten to a point where we couldn’t go together or hang out anymore because we have really similar taste in music and that concert was amazing and I was sad not to be able to hang out with him during it.

42. Best local act you can think of? King Woman is originally from this area, I think.

43. If you were a musical instrument what would you be? Vocalist. I suck at everything else. In a perfect world I’d be the guitarist or keys.

44. Do you listen to the radio? Honestly, no, and I haven’t since grade school, really.

45. Do you watch music TV? I don’t have cable.

46. Do you follow the music charts, like the top 40? I did in grade school, but I haven’t really paid attention to music charts since then.

47. Have you meet any famous musicians? Met Kaya at an autograph session at Anime USA. It was at the peak of my Kaya obsession. He told me I was pretty. It was awesome.

48. Are any of your friends/family/etc. musicians? My mom was a piano teacher. My dad is basically tone deaf, haha.

49. Song that best describes your feelings right now? “I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepson.

50. Song that describes your life? The ENTIRE record Froot by Marina And the Diamonds. ESPECIALLY “I’m a Ruin” “Blue” and “Forget” and “Weeds”.. and “Immortal” Yeah, I can’t pick just one song… The whole record. Just listen to the whole thing and you’ll understand me, haha. Which I realize, does not paint me in a very flattering light.. but it’s accurate.

“Gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self esteem” -Blue

“Cause I have lived my life in debt I’ve spent my days in deep regret Yeah, I’ve been living in the red But I wanna forgive and forget” -Forget

“I miss all of my exes They’re the only ones that know me And God knows that sex is A way to feel a bit, a little bit less lonely Yeah, I tried to keep it covered up Yeah, I thought I cut him at the root But now I think my time is up Cause he keeps growing back Like weeds” - Weeds

51. Do you know the names of all the band members that you listen to? Not even remotely. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, no.

52. Does a musician’s physical attractiveness play a part? A part in what? I think it plays a role in how popular they become. As far as it playing a role in how much I like them, I appreciate bands with a strong aesthetic, but it’s hardly necessary. Some of my favorite bands I wouldn’t even be able to recognize if I saw a photo of.

53. What famous musician do you want to marry? I don’t think someone’s musical output is a good way to gauge their marriageability..

54. Favourite movie soundtrack? The Scott Pilgrim vs The World OST.

55. Any musician pet hates? Any time musicians are arrogant enough to insult other musician’s work just for their own credibility. Like, you’re not cool for hating pop music, my dude. >_>

56. What do your parents listen to? My mother listens to mostly classical music, my dad likes James Taylor and Joni Mitchell

57. What are you listening to right NOW? Private Affair by The Virgins. I fucking love this song.

58. Do you wear band etc T-shirts? I hate wearing band t-shirts with a fiery passion of a thousand suns with VERY rare exceptions.

59. What do you think of people who do? I’m usually pretty.. not into those people. Like, hate is a strong word… but I’m really into fashion. Band t-shirts are like a really lazy way of expressing yourself to me. And they’re almost always printed on really boxy, non-soft material. Everyone wants to fight me on this.. I just don’t care for them.

60. What music sub-culture do you feel like you belong to? None? I always dressed too goth to really feel like I belong in the punk scene even though that was primarily what I was listening to in high school. I guess goth, but I don’t get along with or have much in common with most of the generic goths I know and I listen to too much pop for them. Is the indie-synthpop scene a thing..?

61. What song is stuck in your head right now? The theme song to Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

62. Do you sing in the shower? When I was a kid I would drag my giant boom box in the the bathroom with me and listen to it while taking a bath; mostly audiobooks, but sometimes music. I usually didn’t sing along though.

63. If so, what? If not, why not? Not sure? I sing in the car a lot. If music is on and I know the words and I’m alone, I’m singing.

66. How important is your partners taste in music to you? I’m really open about music, so whatever they are into I’ll probably get into as well. If we already share a taste in music we can discover more together, which is really fun. As long as they don’t HATE my music, it’s fine.

67. Hanson moves in next door to you, do you go introduce yourself, or do you arrange to beat them up? I’d probably just update my facebook status like, “Hanson lives next door to me. So, there’s that.” And invite them to my next barbecue.

68. Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll, you dig? Yes, sometimes, and yes.

69. Do you cook to music? Sometimes, I no longer have speakers right next to the kitchen.

70. Do you sing in the toilet? Nah.

[theloveshackchronicles-blog]

Coping with Depression:

Battling depression is a full time job. In order to keep it from damaging anything going well for you, you must take action. Lets face it, no one likes to be around someone who is always down, complaining, negative and just plain drab. But the person dealing with these issues does NOT do this on purpose. Sometimes, the person battling depression is not aware of how much their depressive behavior effects others.

I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety as a young teenager. After my mom and dad split up and we moved to New York, my whole life changed. I went from living a calm, country life in Pennsylvania to living in a high paced and diverse life in New York. I'll never forget our move here and the strength I witnessed my mother obtain out of the clear blue. She knew no other way of life without my father. We started out with NOTHING! We had some clothes, photo albums and a few other things to get us started but for the most part, our mom had to work so hard to give us our life back. The life we all so desperately deserved.

Here we were. My mom, my sister and I living in a one bedroom apartment that we converted into a two bedroom (my mother has great interior and organizing skills) My sister got the private room as she was the older teenager who needed her space and privacy. And for years, my mom and I were roommates and shared the converted bedroom. We had so little but I was the happiest I had ever been. I started to see my mom flower into this beast of a woman. She gained her confidence back and began socializing and building friendships. We joined a community church where I found myself spending all my time. I sang in the choir and did bible groups with the teen ministry. I was so into it, that I received perfect attendance two years in a row. I enjoyed church more than school...sadly.... I DID NOT LIKE SCHOOL!

Little by little, things started looking up for us. Occasionally, my mom would allow me to spend weekends with my dad. And if you know me, you know that I grew up as daddy's little girl. I was my fathers pride and joy. But after my parents split and I learned why... I didn't really like spending time with my father. I had created this alliance against him because obviously I attached myself to my mother and related to her more and more as the years progressed. Each time I went to stay with my dad, I would get terribly sick with a high fever and would be in bed the entire time. He would try to cheer me up by taking me shopping for clothes or letting me visit my cousins on his side of the family. But my nerves were so bad and I almost felt like I was betraying my mother and would literally make myself get sick with worry. I never had the courage to express why I was so nervous. He was my dad! I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I would rather stay up crying all night, missing my mom than to ever admit that I had looked at my father differently. I think at this point is when I learned to swallow my problems. My problems were a "burden" in my mind. I became the perfect child. I always cleaned and made sure things were organized and sanitized in our home. I got my first job and started contributing to food costs and bills. I became a young woman very quickly. I accepted responsibility without a question.

 During this time, my sister had my nephews... my first loves... my twins. I was 14 when they were born. At this time, my dad moved closer to us and my parents tried working things out. My sister had a very high risk pregnancy and required medical attention in a hospital about an hour away. My parents stayed with her day in and day out while I was home and went to school. I never had so much freedom... ever! I took full advantage of my sister absorbing my parents attention. This is when I became a little less perfect and decided to test my boundaries. My first act of rebellion was when I let my best friends step mom frost my virgin hair!!! My mom had a fit!! How dare I BLEACH MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR without permission!!!! It wasn't like me to make decisions like that without consulting mom. Disappointing my mother was my worst fear... but at 14.... you wasn't tellin me shit!! My hair was bleached and my eyebrows.....holy shit my eyebrows were hideous!  But I thought I was the SHIT. LOL! I started becoming involved in expensive fashion and started quite the sneaker collection too. I had a stupid boyfriend also (rolls eyes)  If you'd even like to call it that. I wasn't allowed to date. So my relationship was hidden and solely a phone relationship. I never saw this stupid boy. He was a bad boy. He smoked lots of weed. I did not. He smoked cigarettes. I did not. He dropped out of school. I wouldn't dare. We were opposite people but he was popular and liked me so why not? Well here's why not. Those bad boys want sex! And girl, you're a Puerto Rican virgin. With a Puerto Rican father who wouldn't think twice about going to prison for killing some hoodlum. Plus, my sister just became a teen mom! NO SEX!! I FEARED SEX!!!! So, because I didn't put out, my stupid boyfriend found other girls who would. Girls with nicer bodies and girls with parents who let them sleep over their boyfriends houses. UMMMM. NO. NOT IN THE CORDERO RESIDENCE. But this jerk wouldn't let me go. He wanted me to be this good girl who waited for his phone call when he got home from his side girls house. That got so old. I felt so insecure. Like what if I just have sex? What if I just see if it works out and he'll stop talking to other girls. But i never gave in. I never let him get the privilege of taking something so dear to me. I let his ass go. I didn't want to feel useless anymore. I didn't want to be second best. He made me feel like I was not worth having something really special. He had to go. I didn't realize that he created a monster. All I craved was the right attention from a good guy. I wanted to hurry up and get married. I wanted a family and I wanted to get the fuck out of my parents house. So I met a man. A man from a wholesome family. He had a career and plenty of money to spoil me with. He drove sick cars and took me on many vacations. This is what I deserved!!!! Or so I thought. Fast forward a few years and this man became my husband. He was my first everything!!! He showed me what it was like to have good work ethic, how to budget money... basically... he taught me how to be an adult. We got married when I was 20.... a few months after my father passed away. My father loved my fiancé. He loved that he didn't have to worry about me anymore. He trusted this man with his daughter. Life was good and I felt like I was doing right by the number 1 man in my life. What I didn't know is what kind of person I would become after  losing such a close part of my life to death. Grieving isn't easy for anyone. And for me, I don't think I'll ever be ok with saying my father is gone. The tiny line of depression I once had as a young teen blew up to be the most overwhelming depression for a young adult. 

For months, I pretended as if the death of my father didn't exist. I went through with a wedding and marriage that I was not fully emotionally invested in. I became a mother the same year. And for a little while.... I felt heaven. My first born entered my life. Everyone was soooooo excited for Madden. My goodness he was and is still so loved. He made my life so beautiful. I sort of replaced an emptiness I had from losing my dad. Nothing was better than being a mom. NOTHING!!  Time passed and while I battled some post-partum depression... things weren't so bad.

 But then... the emptiness started coming back. Nothing made me happy. I couldn't get out of bed. I would party all weekend and not come home sometimes. I had zero respect for my marriage. I didn't want to be married anymore. And who was I going to disappoint? The only person I worried about failing is gone!!! I had built a wall of indestructible material. After 3 years of being married and now having a two year old, my husband and I divorced. The story behind that is a whole notha novella.

 We didn't always see eye to eye after the divorce and it took us a few years to adjust to co-parenting but we are great now. We have learned how to raise our son without allowing the courts to decide our destiny. We do a better job co-parenting than we ever did as a couple. So although this was bitter, things have gotten 10000 times better. That part I am grateful for. The in between times though... they were rough. I didn't want any money from my ex. I just wanted to be out of the relationship so I didn't take him for money or child support. I just wanted out!! But that meant.... starting from scratch... again. Survival mode is really all I know. And when things are good and calm, my depression and anxiety have a way of sabotaging the good things around me. Then... survival mode kicks in. I am more comfortable in my chaos than my solitude. That,my friend is anxiety!!

From the age of 12 to the amazing age of 30.... all I have done is survive. I have mastered the art of "figuring it out" And if you can imagine.... when you're always figuring it out, there is no time for friendships. There's barely time to think! I was growing at a pace that other girls my age knew nothing about. I did a good job at making it look easy too. But it wasn't! People who I thought were close to me became sooo two-faced and would tell other people things I had confided in them with. Deep secrets and "tea" you thought you could trust friends with. WRONG! I felt like I was always clearing up fires of gossip that involved me but wasn't even true! I found myself explaining myself for no reason to  people who held no real substance to my life. I can say that I learned a lot about not only myself but about how awful other can be.

That's when I started to fade out and meet new people and start new adventures. I worked two jobs at all times and on the off times, I spent all my time with my son. Work and being a mother was all I needed and cared about. People would make comments like "you're a bad mother because you don't have your son all the time" GASPS.... why does that make me a bad mother? My son has a father. A father who wants to be there. A father who can provide love and shelter. A father who is present! Why would I take that from my son for my own selfishness? Yes, I WANTED MY SON EVERYDAY. but it wasn't about me!! I had to do what was right for my son. I could have been selfish and been this single mom who does it alone but I didn't choose that life for myself. I chose to have a child with a great man. And I will never regret my decision to split my time with his father. And shame on anyone who makes mothers feel bad for actually putting their feelings aside for the betterment of their child. Its bad enough that you have to make a decision to spilt your family. But to act like you did it alone is fucking stupid! I didn't do it alone and I have the support. And Madden turned out to be an incredible young man!! Not because his parents are fuck ups.

A lot has happened in my life since then. I rekindled a relationship with the love of my life and we had our first child together. We are two AMAZING parents if I do say so myself. Our family is so strong and so focused on love and acceptance that I can now confidently leave depression behind me. Some days are still really really hard. Some days I just want to give up on my relationship. Some days I wonder how I am even going to make it to the next day without checking into an institution of some sort but my support system is unlike any other. I have friends. I have imperfect friends. Friends who check on me but don't require tons of attention. Friends who understand what its like to be spread way too thin. MOMMY FRIENDS WHO ARE THE BEST MOMS EVER!!

The best thing I have gotten from depression is admitting that I am a depressed person. I stopped hiding it. I went to therapy and gained trust in people again. That wall came down a little bit. I want to give partial credit to my age and reaching that level of "fuck it" but mostly the credit goes to learning that life is so unpredictable. People die. People you LOVE SO MUCH! People lie! They cheat!

The lesson I learned is to accept the little, not so perfect things about myself in a way that doesn't haunt me for the rest of my life. My intensions throughout my uncertainty were never malicious. My behavior was only a cry for help and attention. Not knowing that the attention I needed was from myself. To love and care for myself the way I would want a man to. And to stop living my life for others. To speak up when uncomfortable. To love without boundaries or reservations. To allow someone to love me the way i deserve to be loved. To grow amidst such pain and chaos. Depression and anxiety are designed to make you hate yourself.... but you... you are so special. You are so beautiful and so worthy of all the great things you want and WILL GET!!. Talk to someone who cares. Reach out in times you don't always feel so good about decisions of your life.

YOU HAVE A FRIEND IN ME!!

-recovering

#depression beauty overcome love