#so uh after work Thursday I almost overdrafted my bank acc because I used the wrong card to get gas and my moms reaction kind snapped

[tiredsadpeach]

Hahaha heyyyy (I almost unalived myself today)

#tw suicide #tw suicide mention #so uh after work Thursday I almost overdrafted my bank acc because I used the wrong card to get gas and my moms reaction kind snapped #something in me and I spiraled and am still spiraling so I called out Friday and today so I didn’t breakdown at work #well this morning my mom woke me up and just kinda drilled into me because my sister helped me get this job and it could look bad on her and #everyone has mental health problems but they still go to work and I have to work because they can’t always pay for me #which btw I never ever said I wanted to quit I love this job but okay! #and then she basically confirmed all my self deprecating thoughts like being a bad pet owner and not doing enough around the house etc #so that’s so cool that she also thinks that about me that made me feel amazing!!! #she said I step all over my dad and siphon money out of my sister #which my dad and I are so very similar mentally so if I am I have no idea tbh #and then the money thing is because my sister bought concert tickets for me her my dad and our cousin but I promised to pay her back in full #like I calculated it and everything but I also reminded her that she didn’t have to get them #any time my sister does something with her money that overlaps with my interests my mom thinks it’s me convincing her lol #and then she was like ‘do you have anything you want to say to me’ and I should’ve know it was a trap! but I didn’t! #so I said ‘I already know all these things and I hate myself for them I just want to be normal but I’m not’ type stuff because I’m hypervent #hyperventilating and sobbing at this point and she said ‘stop trying to manipulate me’ #so now I don’t ever wanna be alone with her again #I thought she had been finally listening and understanding and changing ever since I went to the mental hospital #but obviously not because I felt like I was in school again #she finally left to take a shower and I was gonna just down my Zoloft lmao I can’t please her so why be here yknow #didn’t realize my dad was awake and he told me he contacted our therapist (we share one) and told her I might need a sooner session and then #I went back in my room because I couldn’t get to my Zoloft and he wanted to talk and stuff and I almost took my backup ones from when I was #on a lower dose but he came in and basically did damage control for my mom #but he made me feel a bit better and somehow he just Knew I was contemplating sewer slide and had me promise not to #I love my dad and he actually understands and is gentle and patient with me and I thought that was rubbing off on my mom but no!! #love knowing I’m a big disappointment to her and that I’m manipulative too #I can’t die but hopefully I can get out of here soon I can’t be near her #she even said that even if my therapist suggests calling in I just shouldn’t!!!! so cool!!!!! #love how you don’t want me to take care of myself because it could mess with my sisters reputation!!!!!