#hyperventilating and sobbing at this point and she said ‘stop trying to manipulate me’ | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

victoria-daydreams · 3 years

Text

Of Vices and Virtues

Chapter Thirteen: The Ballad of Claudia Walker

AN: This is a continuation of the last chapter, so it’s still gonna be dark, but if I remember correctly this should be last chapter that’s like this.

Word Count: 5.1k

Trigger Warnings: physical/mental abuse, torture

Taglist: @azayamari

Chapter Fourteen: A Never-Ending Nightmare

"I can't do this," I breathed, before turning to Charles, shaking my head. "I can't do this," I repeated, putting my hand to my mouth as I backed away from the two men next to me. "I-I n-need to get out of here!" I exclaimed, clenching my eyes shut in an attempt to remove myself to escape the memories I've buried for so long.

I began to feel hot and dizzy. I felt like there were walls closing in on me and I had no escape.

"Calm your mind, Claudia," Charles advised gently, but I only felt the hammering of my heart in my chest intensify. "Claudia, look at me, you need to calm down. Claudia!" Charles grabbed my arms, yanking me from my own head and my eyes snapped opened. I began to hyperventilate, eyes focusing on everything and nothing as the telepath took my face in his hands and forced me to concentrate on him. "Claudia, you need to calm down or you're going to split your mind in two," he explained, his face twisting in pain. "Your mind is screaming so loud you're hurting me," Charles said through gritted teeth.

"Make it stop," I begged, searching his eyes. "Please, make it stop," I whispered, grabbing his hands and placing them at my temples.

Charles looked at me, his eyes wide and sympathetic, "Love, I've tried and nothing has worked. I push any harder and the results might be disastrous for the both of us," he explained, his hands drawing back to his own temples. "It's almost like your mind wants you to work through these unpleasant memories, because it's something that needs to be done," Charles' soft voice whispered in my ear.

"I don't want to remember," I gritted out, trying to stop the panic from rising in my chest even further. "Just make it stop," I whispered.

"It's okay," Charles coaxed. "You're going to be okay," he assured, gently grabbing both of my hands. "You just need to calm down,"

I ripped my hand out of his, focusing on something calm. What was calm?

"You don't know. You don't know what he made me do! You don't know what a sick bastard he was. I do," I breathed, my chest heaving.

Erik and Charles stared at me sympathetically and as a drop of water fell from my chin I realized why. I'd been crying. Angrily wiping my face with my hand, a frown formed on my face as the three of us were thrown into another memory. We were in a foyer of a house. I found myself turning my head from left to right multiple times, my breathing heavy and labored. Most people would love to have a house as big as this one, with the supposed openness and modern facilities that are pleasing to the eye. Yes, I can see that, but with the merciless and cruel encounters I have had here, I don't share the same opinions as the majority.

Truly, it was a nice space...one of which many would be proud of claiming ownership of, at least that of which I have actually seen. The floors were made of beautiful, stained wood and the walls painted a lovely crimson give an aristocratic aura to the house. At least, apart from the basement corridors that I know by heart. Those claustrophobic walls were a miserable gray and were accompanied by the dulled and creaky russet floor.

Two sets of footsteps echoed in the hallway moving away from us, unconsciously I began to follow behind them until I was standing on the backyard stoop. The light from the sun was shining brightly and it was almost an enchanting light. There wasn't a cloud in the sky that could block it's majestic rays. And there stood Professor Lewis and myself in the middle of his backyard.

"Claudia, I want you to use your telekinesis to lift each of the objects on the ground," Professor Lewis pointed to a tennis ball, baseball, basket ball, brick, and cinder block. The object grew larger and heavier. "Once you lift them, I want you to psychically push them into those baskets ten feet away. This will help you learn how to levitate and also toss objects of varying weight. It will also help you regulate how much power you need to lift certain weights,"

"I understand," she answered calmly, nodding her head as a smile appeared on her lips.

But she was anything but calm and enthusiastic. She was going into this kicking and screaming. She was nervous. Jumpy. Stressed. Frustrated. Lost. Found. Happy. Sad. She wanted to vomit. Her mutation was unpredictable and uncontrollable. That wasn't until a pair of hands placed themselves on her waist from behind her, almost grounding her in a way. Professor Lewis leaned down to her ear and whispered something that made the two of them laugh, and just before he released her waist Professor Lewis pressed his lips to her cheek.

"You'll do fine," he murmured.

I could feel the burning stares of Charles and Erik on the back of my head.

"He really played me like a fool," I whispered, shaking my head in disbelief at my younger self's stupidity and naivety.

"You two were together," Charles stated gently. "You were a couple," he added, his voice never taking an accusatory tone.

A humorless chuckled escaped from me, "And I have wanted to throw myself in front of a bus because of it," I confirmed, looking down at the ground biting my lip

Feelings of sickness, disgust, and shame spread throughout body as I remembered how readily I ate up his little praises. He gave me all the validation that I so desperately wanted as a child from my own parents. It wasn't long before his seemingly innocent compliments turned into something more; the lingering stares and touches to the kisses on my hand or forehead. And I foolishly allowed his affectionate gestures to escalate, thinking that I was in love with this man. So, when Professor Lewis declaration of love for me came out during a candlelit dinner I was so overcome with emotion from his "tenderness" that on the same night, I gave myself to him, willingly.

And that's when he had me ensnared, ensnared into his web of lies.

I was young and dumb and couldn't see the clear manipulation and grooming that was going on. No, I was too busy being a lovesick fool. He promised me that he would never, ever let harm come to me while I was with him, and I believed him. But everything he promised me was a dirty, filthy lie. I remembered.

I remembered every fucking thing he did to me.

"Did you love him?" Erik asked.

"Yes," I answered softly, turning around to face Charles and Erik. "But I had learnt very quickly that his love for me was all a facade," I recalled.

Just remembering that I had consensually slept with Professor Lewis made want to puke. I watched as Professor Lewis' backyard and everything around it seemingly disintegrated before us only for our surroundings to change into a small library. We were still on Professor Lewis' property, but it was a different time, a different date. If my memory serves me correctly then this is when I began to realize Professor Lewis was not the sweet, loving man I thought he was.

"You would be...in my mind?" Professor Lewis could see that she was wrestling with her own doubt and he was worried that her fear would get in the way of their training. At last, he saw Claudia nod in agreement, but her features were tightened in anxiety.

"Relax,"

Her expression was anything but calm, and he decided that it couldn't be helped. Keeping his eyes locked on hers, he pressed two fingers to his temple and pushed forward into her mind. Claudia knew the second Professor Lewis' mind merged with her own. The moment it happened, she was overwhelmed with such a sense of fear that it was difficult for her to think about anything else. She could feel him in her thoughts, and the foreign presence had such a sense of wrong to it that she gagged in disgust. It wasn't right. Her mind was her own.

"No!"

Claudia abruptly and backed away from her mentor, nearly tripping over the foot rest that sat behind her. Claudia wasn't sure whether her words were spoken aloud or inside her head, but the minute they were said she felt Professor Lewis withdraw.

"I can't do this," she couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't bear to look and see what surely would have been disappointment.

Perhaps he was angry with her for not following through. Before he had a chance to say anything to her, Claudia turned and fled from the room, not bothering to close the door behind her. But Claudia could still feel the lightest touch of Professor Lewis' emotions. And a sudden wave of anger bombarded her mind from the other side of the wall, making her gasp as one thought crossed her mind.

"There would be hell to pay for that," I stated, repeating the thought I had.

"Stand up!"

The sharp words made us all turn around, only for us to witness another memory of mine. We were standing in a small study, I watched as my twenty year-old self tried to force her body to cooperate.

She could feel the security guard's irritation before his hand came down across her cheek. She stumbled and nearly fell again, when hands caught her.

"Now, now, be nice. She's just a girl," the words were kind, but the hairs on the back of her neck stood up. It was Professor Lewis. He always had kind words for her, but his emotions didn't match up. She swallowed hard and moved away from him. The guard left them alone, like they normally did. "Now, Claudia, are you feeling better than yesterday? Will you use your powers again?" It was the question he asked every day.

She stared at him, tears swimming in her eyes, "Please, please let me go. I've done all your tests, you can keep the money. Please, just let me go!" she pleaded, tensing herself as his disappointment that barely covered rage washed over her. "Ah, Claudia, you disappoint me. What would your parents think of you, a college dropout?" he just sighed and rang his bell.

She closed her eyes as sobs wracked her body. Two security guards grabbed her roughly from the room, ignoring her squeak of pain as they gripped places where the shackles had dug into her skin and made marks.

"Take her to the lab,"Professor Lewis ordered, as she was dragged away.

I unconsciously rubbed my wrist and traced my the scars on my wrist, I turned away and stared at Erik and saw his jaw clench as Professor Lewis walked out his office, I looked over and watch Charles' horrified expression. Time seemed to speed up as if someone hit the fast-forward button. Now we were in the lab.

As my younger self came to consciousness, she barely had time to regain her senses before all she could think about was the intense, sweltering heat that slowly seemed to be eating her alive like some ravenous animal that had no control over it's appetite. Her blood boiled beneath her skin, bringing silent screams up her throat though she couldn't set them free due to the fact that her body refused to allow her control because of the drugs swimming around in her system.

Throat running dry from constricted sobs and body aching from the endless thrashing against her restraints, she laid on a metal laboratory table. Feeling the ever rising panic claw at the edge of her psyche, she made another attempt to get of the table and get out, as far away as she could, but the minuscule motion caused fire to spread in her muscles, and breathing came even harder.

Broken ribs.

Forcing herself to move, she brought a hand gently to her face, feeling dried blood there, from a gash near her hairline. Her shirt was also stiff with dried blood, caused by the blood that trickled out her nose. Moving to her abdomen, she felt the tender bruise that had been caused the last time she fought, and staring at her hands, she saw black and blue bruises mixed with dry blood.

"Well, well, look who decided to join us," an oily voice announced. "Hey Robert, the girl's awake,"

Turning her head, she saw the raven haired man known as David. Glancing at her with piercing grey eyes, he leered at her in a manner that made her feel dirty, effectively putting her on her guard, her focus sharp, despite the headache that was making her dizzy.

"Leave her alone, David," the other man named Robert commented. "Professor Lewis will kill you if you hurt her," he added, not looking up from his clipboard.

"I'm not going to hurt her," David sneered, inching closer, reaching out and touching her face. She flinched. "I just want to have some fun with her, that's all,"

"Your idea of fun won't be hers, David," the other man spat. "Go. Tell Professor Lewis she's awake," he ordered.

With a growl at being ordered around, the other male left angrily.

Our surroundings shifted again.

"So, you would abandon me, your fellow mutant, for a race that will try to destroy you?" Professor Lewis said menacingly, looking down at the girl before him. "You disappointed me again Claudia. I thought you were better, wiser. To think that I've given you everything since we met. A second home, education, training, and this is how you thank me. By disobeying me. Your parents would have been ashamed of you"

"B-Bringing up my parents doesn't work anymore, Professor Lewis," she stammered, mentally kicking herself for not being able to sound confident and strong. Every time she and Professor Lewis had an argument her voice would turn shaky, making him assume she was afraid of him.

And she was but her anger had the upper hand.

"That sounded very convincing," Professor Lewis snickered. "Claudia you care so much about humans, but have you forgotten that you have made humans beg for their death countless times?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

Claudia glared at Professor Lewis, he wore a mocking smile on his face, "You made me do that Professor. I would never have used my power in that manner if it weren't for your teaching methods," she remarked, narrowing her eyes at him.

"You wouldn't have any power if it weren't for my teaching methods, Claudia,"

"Well maybe I would have preferred it that way, Professor," she retorted.

Professor Lewis' eyes narrowed, "I think we're done for now, we'll talk again tomorrow," He turned around and walked towards a liquor cupboard to get himself some nice scotch. "I'll tell that nice gentlemen, David, to escort you to your room," the amusement was clearly audible in his voice.

He knew Claudia hated David with every fiber of her being.

I watched as the memory faded to black, just like a movie I would see at the theater. This is what all this felt like, one long movie about my life. Then everything around us turned bright as a golden dust rippled in front of us horizontally in a tidal wave fashion until they both clashed at one another, meeting at the center.

Professor Lewis and Claudia were on the rooftop of one the many university buildings, leaning against the ledge as they overlooked the rather empty campus. Night had fallen and the moon had risen above the quiet campus grounds.

Oh God, not this night. This was the night that I knew there was a darkness within me, maybe it was always there, but lying dormant, or maybe Professor Lewis planted the seeds for it to grow within me. It was one year since I'd met him and with his training I had quickly learned to control my empathy and telekinesis, and found it necessary to teach myself how to build mental shields to block out Professor Lewis if I wanted to stay sane.

"You know what today marks Claudia?" Professor Lewis asked, looking over at her.

"I do not," Claudia answered, shaking her head. "Please enlighten me," she said, as the warm night air ruffled her hair.

Professor Lewis lifted his hand and brushed stands of hair from her face, "Today, is the one year anniversary of me being the luckiest man by meeting the most lovely and powerful creature on this planet," he proclaimed, running his thumb down her cheek.

A gloom yellow light glinted over the two, so Professor Lewis could maintain eye contact with the woman in front of him. A delicate smile splayed on her lips, as her brown eyes hold onto his.

"You sure know how to make a woman feel special," she snorted, turning her body to face him.

He turned his body as well, "My methods have made you stronger have they not?" he asked, arching a brow.

"Yes," Claudia answered stiffly.

Professor Lewis grinned at her, "Then that's all that matters," he agreed, as he placed his hands on Claudia's hips pulling her closer. "As a matter of fact, why don't you show me how far you've come since being under my tutelage," he suggested, still smiling at her.

"Fine," Claudia agreed mirroring his smile. "But, only because you're cute," she added, a wicked smirk now forming on her lips.

"Atta girl," he cheered, placing a quick kiss to her lips.

Claudia smiled, and while still looking right at him, she moved her fingers. Wisps of purple aura slowly slithered upwards Professor Lewis' body and his eyes widened as he watched the energy spread all around him. Professor Lewis couldn't move. He had forced her to use this side of her mutation over and over again to make it stronger and now it was used against him.

"Claudia, what are you doing?" Professor Lewis asked, and for the first time she seen an emotion that he never expressed.

Fear.

"I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago," she answered, lifting her hand up and drifting Professor Lewis from the safety of the rooftop to dangling him over the ledge of the building.

"Please dear, let's be reasonable," Professor Lewis pleaded, sounding slightly shaky.

"No," Claudia answered simply, her smirk only widened as she read his emotions like an open book, confusion, fear, desperation. "You never offered me the same courtesy," she reminded, a humorless chuckle escaping her body.

"You kill me then what Claudia? You were nothing without me! You were nothing but a scared girl!" he snarled.

"I think I will manage without you just fine," She assured, flashing him a faux smile. "It's like said you earlier, under your tutelage I have grown stronger," she repeated mockingly, before releasing her hold on him.

I watched as Professor Lewis dropped from our sights. There was an abrupt scream of terror from Professor Lewis before it was cut off as his body hit the ground with a sickening thud. My younger self causally strolled to the ledge and peered and we followed behind her. The sight was a grim a one.

Professor Lewis was surrounded in a puddle of his own blood, his limbs bent in unnatural ways.

"My God," Charles commented, his face ashen.

Laughter bubbled out of my younger self, and we turned to look at her, her shoulders shook with laughter.

"Goodbye Harry," Claudia said coldly and she walked away.

Turning her back against her teacher and her fellow mutant.

An earsplitting scream of horror reverberated the air, but not once did that seem to bother her, she continued walking and with a flip of her hair she slipped back into the building.

"I've never felt so exposed except with my time with Professor Lewis. What will they think of me now? Will they think I'm a monster? Will they-" I thought, and my breath quickened.

The world around us becomes clear once more and we're back in the library I collapsed, hyperventilating, gasping for air. I turned to my friends and I can't tell if their faces are those of pity or disgust. I pulled myself up, stumbling everywhere, and run as fast as I can away from them.

~~~x~~~

I could sense from Charles' emotions that he had approached my closed door, and waited outside for several minutes, until he tapped softly on the door, calling out gently.

"Claudia, are you in there? It's Charles,"

When he was met with no response, I could hear Charles tightened his grip on the doorknob.

"Claudia, I'm going to come in now. If you wish to be alone, please indicate so and I will leave immediately," Charles' statement was met with nothing but silence once again, so he turned the handle of the door, opening it slowly.

When the door had been opened, my back was facing him as I stared out the window blankly, tears flowing freely down my face. Charles stood in the entryway, before closing the door behind him. Stepping forward uncertainly and receiving no reaction at all from me, Charles walked across the room towards window I was facing, covering the area in several long strides. He knelt on his knees next to the bed so that he was looking directly at me.

I could tell Charles was unsure of what to say, so I broke the silence first, "You know I got away with the murders?" I asked raspily, finally looking at Charles.

Charles' furrowed his brow, "What?" he asked bewildered.

"Confusion is a funny thing, especially if you have the power to manipulate it. John was so very confused, he didn't know I was a mutant. So I exploited his confusion and I convinced John that it was a murder-suicide, James was friends with those boys at one point, but stopped hanging out with them once he met me. I told John that's the reason they killed him, and then I lied about one of the boys being the ‘freak’ and that he killed the trio out of bloodlust after killing James, shortly killing himself out of guilt," I explained, scooting over and patting the bed so Charles could sit on my bed.

Charles stood up and gently sat on my bed and reached out, softly wiping the tear streaks from my face with the pad of his thumb.

"Claudia, love, I'm so sorry-I-" Charles started.

"You didn't know?" I finished, raising my eyebrow expectantly. "Well, now you why I don't like people in my head," I stated, letting out a sigh. "I can't begin to describe to you the horror that comes with knowing that your mind isn't as safe as you think it is," I commented, briefly closing my eyes.

"I just never would have guessed these things happened to you, when we first met, you were so carefree," Charles explained, his hand now moving to my hair and stroking it.

"What did you want Charles? A big flashing sign, saying 'I've had a traumatizing life'," I retorted, tilting my head slightly. "Charles, there aren't many people who care about the plight of a colored woman in America, what makes you think they would sympathize with a black woman who's also a mutant?" I questioned, dropping my gaze to my hand. "I swallowed a bitter pill by coming to the realization that no one will truly care about me," I finished, looking back up at Charles.

"You're wrong," he corrected, he spoke gently, never breaking his gaze away from mine. "I care about you, and so does everyone in the mansion," Charles insisted.

He started rubbing soothing patterns on the back my hand with his thumb, Charles lifted my hand to his lips and kissed my knuckles just as someone knocked twice before entering. The now familiar undercurrent of anger told me it was Erik. But I didn't want to move my hand from Charles', the warmth, the comfort, and affection wrapping themselves around me were too blissful to bring to an end. I turned my head to look at Erik, slipping my hand from Charles', I shifted from me laying on my side to pushing myself up to leaning the headboard.

"Are you alright?" Erik asked gently.

"I've been better," I answered, as Erik took a seat at the foot of my bed. It was silence between the three of us and I stared down at my hands, suppressing the urge to raise a hand to my lips and bite my thumb. "It's like you said Charles..." I stated, trailing off and the two of them looked at each other confusion.

"What?" Charles asked confused.

"The night you two recruited me," I began, looking between the two men. "You said, 'There is danger within me,'" I recited, looking at Charles and his eyes widened.

"Claudia I-" he started.

"I'm not mad Charles," I interrupted, shaking my head. "You're right. I've hurt people," I admitted, my mouth forming a thin line.

"We understand," Charles assured me, his kind eyes staring into mine.

My lips quirked into a small smile before I cleared my throat, "There is something that I should tell you two," I stated.

"And what would that be?" Erik asked curiously.

"When I killed those boys when I was younger, I should've been upset, but it was cathartic. I enjoyed it," I answered truthfully, my eyes shifting between them to gauge their reactions.

"They had just murdered your boyfriend in front of you, it's understandable Claudia," Erik justified.

"No, Erik, a normal person would swear to never use their powers in such a way again. But not me, I rather liked the idea of being able to control people. And when Professor Lewis-" I started.

"When he abducted you?" Erik asked motionlessly, cutting me off. "He used you, tortured you?"

"No Erik, I agreed to go with him. And that's a mistake I will always regret. He was one of us," I explained softly. "I thought I could trust him," I added, shaking my head.

"He was a telepath, like me," Charles stated looking over at me.

My voice and body and emotions becoming detached as I nodded, "He took it slow, got me to trust him, to love him. That's when he started the tests on my abilities. His favorite way was through illusions. In one instance, I was trapped in one of his illusions, thinking I was having the best night of my life with some handsome stranger after escaping from him, when I was really kissing one his lab assistants. The only reason the illusion, broke was because of the lab assistant lied, and I know when someone is lying to me. He strengthened my powers," I paused, taking a deep breath to compose myself. "It was brilliant, really," I finished, shaking my head side to side.

"It was a vile, manipulative, twisted, sick endeavor!" Erik spat. "He turned on his own kind!"

"His own kind," I repeated bitterly. "No. He wasn't one of us. A mutant, yes. But not one of us," I forced a smile, nudging him with my foot. "We're the good guys, Erik. Like Captain America, but cooler," I quipped.

Erik rolled his eyes, looking at me with a sort of spark I had never seen before.

"I have to ask," Charles started, breaking my concentration from Erik. "Was there ever an investigation?" Charles asked.

"Yes, it was a brief one, but it was ruled a suicide," I explained, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. "I hope you two don't think I'm a monster now," I sighed.

"Of course not," Charles stated sincerely, grabbing my hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

There was a knock at my door before it opened revealing Raven's petite figure. She looked at the two men who were sitting on my bed, and I felt a wave jealousy wash over me, which confused me.

"If you're not occupied, Charles, can we talk in private?" Raven asked, I didn't miss the emphasis on the word occupied.

"I wonder what's gotten into her now?" I thought.

Charles slowly let go of my hand, "Of course, Raven. We were just finishing our conversation," he answered, as he stood up and walked across the room to reach Raven. "Good night Claudia," Charles said, a smile on his lips.

"Night Charles," I responded, and Raven and Charles left my room.

It was just Erik and I now, "Now you know where the crack is in my perfect exterior, Erik," I stated,

Erik climbed further onto my bed till he was sitting next to me and gazed at me, "That's one enormous crack," Erik replied, repeating the same words I said to him. "But it only made you stronger," he continued, lifting his finger and gently trailing it down my cheek, the gesture sent shivers down my spine and goosebumps raised on my arms.

My eyes went straight for his inner forearm and the figures that had been inked into his skin, 214782. Numbers that had reduced an entire people into nothing but cattle. But markings. It was disturbing, and my hand reached out to touch his flesh in an attempt to stop my mind from racing. My fingers brushed his skin and he immediately grabbed my hand, his long, elegant fingers enclosing mine.

"Does it ever go away?" I asked somewhat rhetorically, motioning to his reaction.

Erik didn't answer.

"The pain, the distrust, the memories- I guess it never does, does it? Maybe it gets easier," I continued, pondering morosely. "Maybe it's the prospect of revenge that makes it so," I turned to him, motioning my head to the numbers engraved upon his skin. "Does it still hurt?" I asked softly, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"Every fucking day," Erik uttered, looking at the numbers and then shifting his gaze on me.

"Our resilience through all the pain we've been through, it's amazing we survived..." I trailed off, rubbing my thumb softly across his knuckles and then looked up at Erik. "Most people wouldn't have been able to,"

Erik smiled at me brilliantly, "Well, we aren't most people are we?" Erik questioned. "We're the future of the human race, Claudia," Erik finished, lifted our entwined hands and placed his lips on my knuckles leaving a lingering kiss.

I lifted my head from his shoulder and gently placed a kiss on Erik's stubble covered cheek, "Thank you, Erik, for being here tonight,"

Chapter Fifteen: A Love Supreme

#x-men fanfiction #black fanfiction #x-men fanfic #charles xavier fanfiction #charles xavier x oc #black!oc #magneto x oc #erik lehnsherr fanfiction #erik lehnsherr x oc #charles xavier #erik lehnsherr #black!reader #marvel fanfiction #marvel fanfic #marvel imagine #x men fanfiction

37 notes · View notes

tigerseye46 · 3 years

Text

Fighting But Failing

Hey. Remember when I said I was working on possessed Pigsy stuff. This isn’t the confrontation I mentioned but this is something else. I’m sorry Tang and Pigsy.

Possessed Pigsy Masterpost

TW: mention of blood, mention of injury, possession, manipulation, forced behavior, has some non-consensual elements (more specifically non consensual kissing.)

Pigsy screams as the White Bone Spirit continues to possess him, he’s lost in his mind, trapped by chains he can’t escape from. He sees what he’s doing to Tang, sees what he’s doing to his kids and he sees what he’s doing to his brothers, rage boils in his chest. All he can do is observe, the spirit has a hold on him now. The spirit smirks at him, he glares back in response.

He feels himself turn and wrap his arms around Tang’s waist. “Mornin’ love.” The words that come out from his mouth aren’t his.

“Mo-morning.”

“How’s my beautiful future husband doin’?”

“I’m okay…”

He sees himself kiss the back of Tang’s head and he notices Tang flinch. He hates himself, he allowed this to happen, he allowed himself to be possessed and now everyone is suffering the consequences.

What does Tang think of him? What would master think of him if he knew? What if Tripitaka already knows? What if he’s somewhere safe in Heaven completely disgusted at the actions of his second disciple? He has every right to be. Pigsy is disgusted with himself. Yet no matter how much he tries, the chains only get tighter especially when the White Bone Spirit casts illusions in his mind to make him give into his desire quicker. He knows they aren’t real but he can’t help it. It’s all he’s ever wanted, to be loved, appreciated, cared for, even if it’s for a single moment, even when the illusion shatters and the White Spirit lets out a cackle, leaving him broken and full of regret, he can’t help it.

How can he when an illusion of Tripitaka holds his face and tells him he’s wanted him since the very beginning? That he’s always loved the pig, that Wukong is never what he wanted, how despite his flaws he loves Pigsy so deeply and sweetly that their separation stings and how he begs for them to be reunited again.

How can he when a vision of Tang teases him and doesn’t look at him with fear in his eyes? The vision of Tang stares at him with devotion and passion. A Tang that kisses and tells Pigsy that he’s going to be happy with their life together, being assured that he isn’t forcing the scholar to stay with him.

How the feelings are clear and he can pretend that they both want him. He can get his happy ending if he lets this happen, lets the White Bone Spirit do her thing even if civilians get hurt. He shakes his head because how can he even think that?

“Darlin’, where’s the outfit I gave ya?” The conversation snaps the pig back to reality, he hates the frightened look on Tang’s face.

Tang tenses at the nickname. “I don’t know…”

“Didn’t ya just have it?”

“Mhmm… I… um… don’t really like it.”

He bends down to observe the scholar, the human takes a step back from him. “But you would look beautiful with it on. It would be fittin’ with me as the king and you as my queen.” He kisses the human’s hand.

“I know but… it’s- it’s uncomfortable.”

He sighs and rubs his face. “Fine. You can wear whatever ya want for today. You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“T-thanks.”

“If you want to thank me, you could give me a kiss.” Tang winces and leans in to give him a quick peck on the cheek. “Not there, dear.” He kisses him on the lips and grips his waist to make sure the human doesn’t move. Pigsy wants to throw up, he tugs on the chains in a futile attempt to get himself free.

When they separate there’s a tear running down the human’s cheek. He wipes it away quickly and his hands ball into fists. “Can I just stay in bed?”

“Sorry, babe, but I want to spend the whole day with you.”

“Gr-great.”

“Well I do have to get our kids at some point. That can wait until later.”

They reluctantly go through their day with Tang flinching every time he’s touched by the pig.

Pigsy can only watch as his possessed body flirts with Tang, making him uncomfortable in every way, shape and form.

The White Bone Spirit strolls up next to him, her eyes full of glee and her arms behind her back. “You seem to be enjoying this.”

He narrows his eyes and attempts to lunge at her but she teleports and appears behind him. “I AM NOT! I WOULD NEVER TREAT TANG LIKE THIS!”

“But you want this, don’t you? Think about how terrified he is.”

“I KNOW THAT!”

“It’s so fun to watch this happen. Tear your little group apart. All I need is your master.”

“DON’T YOUR DARE TOUCH HIM!”

“Oh, I won’t. That’s your job.” She winks and walks a few steps away, her back turned. “I’ll let you have your fun for now before I take over more.”

“I won’t let that happen!”

She snaps her fingers. “Won’t you? The chains only get worse.” Her cackling is heard again and she disappears to wherever it is.

He hyperventilates and focuses on the screen in front of him, he knows an illusion will appear soon. The scene in front of him is painful, he hovers over Tang, closer than the scholar is comfortable with and he can see his hands fidget to prevent himself from pushing the demon away and dealing with his anger. He can’t watch. When he turns away from the scene, there is Tripitaka. He yelps and takes a step back, the action just makes his “master” step forward.

Tripitaka gives him a sickeningly sweet smile. “Bajie!”

Tears run down the pig’s cheeks, his bottom lip quivers. When he’s face to face with Tripitaka, the monk places a hand on his cheek and he just leans in. “M-master.”

“Oh, I missed you.”

He bitterly laughs. “I saw ya just the other day.”

“Well, that is different.” Pigsy nods and his head turns back to him and Tang. He has Tang on his lap, his hands caress the scholar, he can see him holding in his breath. Tripitaka grips his face and forces him to look away from the scene. “Focus on me, love. You are making me jealous.”

“Jealous?”

He rolls his eyes. “Obviously. You’re in love with that scholar, he does take some of your attention away from me. Although, I know how important he is to you and I know no one can take your heart aside from us two. You’re mine.”

“There’s no reason to be jealous. I love you both the same! But aren't ya disgusted?”

“Disgusted? Why would I be?”

“Because… because… I’m not in my right mind! You see how I act! I’m forcin’ Tang to be with me!”

“I would never be disgusted by you. You aren’t forcing him to be with you at all. He loves you. I love you. You know this. You are doing what we want. Taking us away from that despicable monkey. All I need for you to do is take me away. You’re strong enough to do it. Too bad you got to the scholar first.” He grins. “But I am patient and I will wait.”

“I… I…. I love you too. I’m tryin’.”

“I know and it makes me love you even more.” The words poison his mind. “You know when we see each other again, I want you to show me the world, the world we will build together with you as the king. A place for us and only us.”

His eyes sparkle at a world only for them. “It’s all for you,” he admits in a whisper. “Everything I do is for you. It’s all dedicated to you.”

Tripitaka beams and kisses him. “I’m glad.” He melts at the contact, he knows this isn’t right yet his mind is broken. He’s using this illusion as an outlet, if his master ever knew he would hate him for the rest of eternity, not like the monk doesn’t already hate him. The monk hates him for his stupidity, getting them captured every single time even when the monk puts on an air of niceness, he’s aware how fake it is so he gives into the trick because this Tripitaka won’t hate him, won’t turn him away, won’t rush towards Wukong and call him his savior.

The pig can hardly recall a moment when he was fighting back against the mirages. Had he even fought against them at all? He thinks he’s did, he’s not sure though. He thinks he used to turn them away after the first time then he only fell deeper and deeper.

When he’s kissing Tripitaka, he feels a pounding in his skull, he holds his head and hisses. The vision disappears in a mist and the White Bone Spirit appears again. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing you like that.”

He puts a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs. “Shad-Shaddup.”

Her chin juts out and she comments, “It gets easier each time. You hardly question it when one of them appears, you hardly fight and you know the best part?” She kicks his back when she doesn’t answer, leaving her foot on it. “Do you?”

“I don’t want to hear it,” he answers in a low growl.

“Too bad. I barely have to do this either but your reactions are too cute,” she mockingly coos. “You’re so desperate and it makes tearing you apart even more worth it. I’ll let you have your fun for a few more days before I enact the rest of my plan.”

“I won’t let you!”

“You already have. You’ve given me the reins and I will bring the era of the Monkey King to its knees.”

“Leave my brother alone.”

She ignores him and gestures to the screen, his eyes widen. Somehow in the midst of all of this, he has left the castle and is now fighting his older brother. There are words and blows exchanged, nasty words spill out of his mouth, he goes on and on about how much he hates the monkey and he sees his brother bite his lip.

At one point he says, “Remember what I said last time? That ya should have stayed gone. We hardly need you anymore. You’re useless.” Then he uses his newfound ice powers to freeze part of Wukong’s arm. His brother flinches, more from the words than the blow and he breaks his arm free.

“Bajie…” The monkey can’t even get a word in before the possessed pig charges and charges, Wukong barely manages to dodge every time.

He’s trying to stop himself from hurting him, it never works. He might be angry at the monkey but he never wanted this. He never wanted to hurt him. The whole scene makes his stomach twist. What if there’s the smallest possibility that Wukong won’t be able to dodge in time?

The fight ends when Wukong smacks him in the face with the staff, he holds his nose, blood dripping from it and bruises littering his body. He sees Wukong cover his mouth. Pigsy narrows his eyes at him, leaving with one last scowl and curse.

As he goes to retreat to the castle, Wukong attempts to grab him until he freezes his feet and returns back to his home.

Tang spots him from the top of the stairs, his mouth wide open. All Pigsy wipes his nose and kisses Tang, apologizing that he failed and promising to win next time. He forces the scholar to patch him up.

The White Bone Spirit laughs menacingly. “So close. Not really but a good job on the effort.” He only growls at her. “The problem is you’re still too weak. A few more days then I’ll deal with your brother myself.”

He grits his teeth and lunges at her. She does her vanishing act same as usual. His head rings and his mind goes black.

Everyday he drowns in the sea of lies, of illusions, letting himself fall little by little until his mind is broken. He is fighting but failing, just what the White Bone Spirit wants.

21 notes · View notes

angstysebfan · 4 years

Text

Was It A Mistake Part 5

Pairings: Bucky x reader (previously), Bucky x Nat,

Summary: You and Bucky used to date, but decided you were better off as friends. Now Bucky is interested in Natasha, your best friend. Was it a mistake to break up?

Part 4

Natasha is in the middle of her workout in the gym, when Steve and Bucky walk in. Nat puts the barbell back up when she notices them and sits up. She smiles softly at both men.

“Hello boys.” She says as she stands and walks over to them. They both give her a smile. She walks over to Bucky gives him a small peck on the lips. “Haven’t seen you since yesterday baby. Where have you been?” She asks Bucky and she wraps her arms around his waist.

Steve gives Bucky a look, and heads over to the punching bag, leaving the two alone. Bucky looks down at Nat, “Had some things I needed to do, and got back late last night.”

Nat looked into his eyes, an uneasy feeling in her stomach at his vagueness. She internally shakes it off. “Okay, well I missed you. Do you want to spend the day together? I was thinking we could go for a walk, get dinner, and then desert in my room?” She says this last part in a sultry voice.

Bucky gives her a small smile, that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Sounds great. I’ll be right back, forgot something in my room.” Bucky give Nat a small kiss on the top of her head and walks out of the gym. Nat watches him through the glass windows as he gets into the elevator.

Nat turns toward Steve, who was about to start his workout on the punching bag, after taping his hands up. “Hey Steve, is Bucky okay?” Nat asks, as she walks over to him. Steve turns and looks at Nat.

“What do you mean?” he asks. Nat raises her eyebrow at him. “I mean he seems a little distant with me this morning, and I wanted to know if you knew what was up.” Steve just shrugged.

“I mean I know he was upset when he found out Y/N left the tower, but he seemed fine this morning.” Nat rolls her eyes at this. “Ya know, he needs to get over her. I don’t know what she has on him that makes him putty in her hands. I thought he liked me!” Nat says more to herself than to Steve.

Steve looks at Nat, “Well, you know as much as I do, how heartbroken he was when she ended it. Though he told me the other day that someone told him it was going to happen.” Nat never breaks eye contact, or changes her expression.

“What’s weird to me, though, is that Y/N came to me upset that Bucky had become distant with her. She didn’t know why he was being like that. She thought he wanted to break up with her.” Steve said raising his eyebrows at Nat.

Nat shook her head and shrugged, “I don’t know, maybe she changed her mind or something. I know nothing about that.” Steve kept his eyes on Nat, hoping she would come clean. Again Nat, being the expert assassin, never broke her emotionless state.

Steve sighed, “Well that’s pretty funny you say that, because I know you are the one who told Bucky that Y/N was going to break up with him.” Nat looked at him questioningly. “Oh you do, do you?” She said, keeping her voice even.

Steve would be impressed with her performance, if he wasn’t so pissed at her. He glared at her. “Nat, there is no one else here. Tell me the truth. I already know it, but it would help your cause if you just confess to what I already know.”

Nat raises her eyebrows in surprise. “I’m sorry, Captain, but what you are insinuating is by no means true. You make it sound like I planned for them to break up and then swooped in. Why would I do that to my best friend?” Her voice becoming more menacing.

Steve never breaks his eye contact. Nat shakes her head and turns to leave the gym. Steve doesn’t go after her, because he knows she cannot leave. Unbeknownst to Nat, when Bucky left the gym door locked. Keeping her in with Steve.

As Nat attempts to flee the scene, she slams her right shoulder into the door, which doesn’t budge. She attempts again, and still nothing. She turns and looks at Steve, fury written on her features. “What the fuck Rogers!?” She screams.

Steve calmly walks over the Nat and stands in front of her. “You are going to tell me the truth Nat. Everything! You will admit what I already know. You will apologize to Y/N and Bucky, and you will leave them alone so they can be happy... together.”

Nat is completely shocked at this turn of events. She scoffs, “What makes you think I would tell you anything? And why would I let Y/N and Bucky be together when he is my boyfriend?!” Nat is slowly starting to loose control. She hasn’t lost it in so long, and she is trying to rein in her emotions, but being locked in here is causing her to melt down.

Steve still stays calm and leans against the wall, watching the melt down before him. He sees Nat go through 3-4 emotions at once. He has never seen her like this. He is worried for her. When he sees her starting to hyperventilate, he walks over and helps her to the bench.

“Nat, you need to breath. Take a deep breath in and then slowly let it out.” Steve says in a calm soothing voice. Nat shakes her head as she tries to calm down. Steve takes her hand and places it over his heart. He then grabs her face by his other hand and forces her to look at him.

“Breath Nat, it’s okay. You have to breath.” Nat start to take deep breaths, keeping eye contact with Steve. As she does this, tears come to her eyes, and before she knows it, she is sobbing. Steve is slightly taken aback, but doesn’t let it show. He grabs Nat and holds her to his chest as she continues to sob.

“I.... I’m sorry.” Nat says in between sobs. “I.... I.... I don’t know why I did it. I’ve loved him since the Red Room.” Steve raised his eyebrows in shock, “When he came here.... I... I thought that we could start over.” She sobs again. “B-but he saw her first. He fell for her, and she fell for him. I was so angry because I loved him! Why didn’t he love me?! What does she have that I don’t!”

Nat takes a deep breath and pulls back from Steve. “I wanted to hate her. I thought of this plan, and wanted to hurt her. When I started the plan in motion, and saw how hurt they both were.... I almost stopped it. But all I kept thinking about is how he and I deserved each other.”

She shakes her head. “I was so caught up in it, I didn’t want to let him go. Even though I knew that no matter what he always loved her. I couldn’t give up because I love him! I love him!” She starts sobbing again, and Steve again pulls her into an embrace.

At this point you and Bucky had walked into the gym. You heard her confession, and while you hated her, a part of you felt bad. This fierce woman was still trapped by her demons that she focused on Bucky. Someone she knew from the past.

Bucky is shocked to hear her confession. Yes, they had a past, when he was the Soldier. But he didn’t know that she still harbored feelings since then. He didn’t even remember it until she brought it up to him after they started talking. Even though he could understand why she would try to hold on the good in what was a bad situation, it did not excuse her for ruining his chance of happiness now.

Nat looked up at Steve and saw he was looking behind her. She turned and saw both you and Bucky, and her eyes widened. She slowly got up and faced you both. “I... I know no matter what I say, you will both hate me. I broke you up, when you were so happy. I... I can’t begin to express how sorry I am. I saw what I wanted and I went for it, with no care of the consequences.”

Neither of you said anything, as Nat went to walk past you. Bucky continued to glare at her and she went past. Bucky grabbed her arm, holding it tight enough that there would eventually be bruises.

“I’m only going to say this once. You mess with Y/N or me again, and you will regret if for the rest of you life.” Bucky said low, but with anger evident in his voice. “You manipulated me. The one thing I can’t handle is someone manipulating me, and you did it without care. You hurt the woman I love for some fantasy. You are the monster Natalia.” He pushed her away from him.

Nat looked over at you, but you just looked between her and Bucky, not knowing what to say. Nat walked to the doors of the gym, holding the arm Bucky grabbed. She turned back and looked at Steve. “If it’s okay, I would like to go to a safehouse for awhile. Get some separation, clear my head.”

Steve nodded, not saying anything further. Nat looked back to you and Bucky, and then left the gym. When she disappeared into the elevator, Bucky’s stiff demeanor lessened. He looked down at you, who was still looking toward the elevator.

All you kept thinking was how you couldn’t say anything. You had your chance to really give it to her, and you didn’t. It didn’t make any sense to you, since that was all you wanted. But when you saw her sitting there, crying, talking about how much she loved Bucky, the fight in you disappeared. It wasn’t worth it.

Bucky kept looking at you, nervous of your reaction to everything. Especially the way he spoke to Nat. “Doll?” he whispered to you. You finally look up at him with a relaxed expression and gave him a small smile. “You okay?” He asked as he turned and wrapped his arms around your waist.

You nodded and looked at Steve. “Thank you Steve. I know she is your friend, and how hard this was for you, but I really appreciate it.” Tears were starting to slowly run down your face from relief. It was over, Nat was gone. You and Bucky could live happily ever after if you wanted.

You look back up at the man you love. “I’m ok Buck. I think I just need some time.” You went up on your tippy toes and kissed his cheek. You pulled away from him and left the gym. You decided to head back to your room adn unpack your stuff. On the way you heard the sobs coming from Nat’s room. You couldn’t help yourself, you knocked.

When Nat opened the door, she expected Steve to be there. You were the last person she expected to be on the other side of her door. She said nothing, but turned around, leaving the door ajar. You walked in to find her packing some clothes.

“I’ll be out of here within the hour, so you don’t have to worry. I won’t pull anything else.” She said, her voice shaking from crying. You don’t say anything, just watch her. She looks up at you and waits for you to say something. You both end up just staring at each other for who knows how long.

“Well? Aren’t you going to tell me what a monster you think I am? Your boyfriend seemed to have no problem telling me.” She chokes on a sob. You can’t help but smile, which annoyed Nat, as she thought you were laughing at her.

“I would rather the comments than you laughing at me. If that is all you’re going to do, then please leave!” Nat snaps. Your smile fades, and you walk slowly over to her. “I want to hate you so bad.” You say quietly. “You almost ruined my life, then lied to make him hate me. I can’t pretend to forgive you for what you did, but a part of me might understand.”

Nat looks at you, stunned. “You need to talk to someone while you are away. Because what you felt for Bucky, wasn’t love. You had found a good thing during trauma and latched on. When he came back into your life, you couldn’t help but latch on again. It’s not healthy. I think it will help if you talk to someone.”

Nat looks down and nods. “I am sorry Y/N. I know that is empty words to you now, but I am.” She said looking at you sadly. You give her a reassuring smile. “I know, and right now, it’s not okay. But if you get some help, and you come back stronger, maybe it will eventually be okay.”

With that you leave Nat’s room, feeling nothing else was needed to be said. You walked down the hall toward Bucky’s room, and notice the door is ajar. You peek your head in and see he is sitting on his bed, with his head in his hands.

“Hey.” you say quietly, as you walk into his room and close the door. He looks up at you with a cautious look. He is still unsure how you are feeling after everything.

“Hi”

“I talked with Nat.” You say as you sit down next to him. He looks at you wanting to know more, but knowing better than to push you.

“You okay?” He asks concerned.

You smile and bring you hand up to palm his cheek, lightly rubbing your thumb on his cheekbone. Bucky sighs and closes his eyes, reveling in the closeness. “I think it will eventually be okay. For now I am glad she is leaving the tower.”

Bucky chuckles and wraps his arm around your shoulder, kissing your forehead. “What do we do now? I know I hurt you too.” Bucky looks down at his metal hand on his lap. You take your hand from his cheek and grab his metal hand intertwining your fingers.

“Now.... we start our happy ever after.”

Epilogue

It’s been a year since the confrontation with Nat in the gym. Nat went off to a safehouse and stayed there for 9 months. While she was away, she started seeing a therapist, and returned as the old Nat everyone knew and loved.

Bucky still could not forgive her when she returned. You had a hard time also, but you agreed to take it slow. Eventually Nat started seeing Bruce Banner, which made you feel better.

After Nat had left the tower, you and Bucky decided to try your relationship again. It didn’t take long for you both to be back where you were before the break up. To Bucky, it was like he could finally breath again. 6 months into your new relationship, Bucky proposed. After crying happy tears, you say yes!

Now here you are, after a short 6 month engagement, having a small intimate wedding with your Avengers family. You didn’t care that it was a small wedding, because the only thing that mattered to you, was the man at the end the aisle, waiting for you. When Tony and you walked into the room, the look on his face told you everything.

You saw all the love and compassion he had for you. You knew that no one else would ever love you the way Bucky Barnes will. You were more than ready to start your life as Mrs. Y/N Barnes.

After the ceremony, everyone hung out in the common room for a small party. You and Bucky danced the night away in each others arms. Steve was the best man and Wanda was the maid of honor. Both gave great speeches that made everyone laugh.

While the “party” was still going on, you took Bucky out onto the balcony. You needed a little bit of alone time with your new husband. You walked hand in hand to the railing, and looked over New York City. Bucky draped his flesh arm around you and kissed the top of your head.

“Today was the happiest day of my life, doll. Thank you for being my wife.” He said against your temple then kissed it softly. You smile and looked up at him. “Well I am more than happy to be your wife and make all your dreams come true. In fact, not only am I happy to be your wife...” You give him a peck on the lips. “I am happy and proud to be the mother of your child.” You say softly.

Bucky stares at you, trying to comprehend what you just said. You look at him, slightly nervous for his reaction. “You..... You’re pregnant?” He gasps. You slowly nod at him. You see a wide smile appear on your face, and you release the breath you were holding.

“I’m going to be a daddy?” He asks, excitement evident in his voice. “Yes, baby. You are going to be daddy!” You say, tears coming to your eyes. Bucky lifts you up and spins you around as he laughs.

“I can’t believe it! I’m going to be a daddy! You really are the most amazing person in the whole world. I can’t imagine my life without you.” He pulls you close. “I love you with all of being. I am nothing without you, and never want to be without you.” He presses a passionate kiss to your lips.

You pull away breathless. “I love you too. More than you will ever know.” You kiss again. Then Bucky pulls you back into the common room announcing that he is going to be a daddy! Everyone in the room cheers for the happy expecting newlywed couple. That night no one on Earth was as happy as you and your new husband.

Thank you everyone! I really enjoyed writing this one!

Taglist: @bloodyproudpotterhead, @iamvalentinaconstanza, @ilovesupersoldiers, @broco8

#bucky x y/n #bucky fanfic #bucky angst #bucky x reader #bucky fic #bucky x natasha

201 notes · View notes

moonah-rose · 3 years

Text

Let Me In

Once again, for some reason, I get a sudden burst of creative energy around midnight. I was only thinking, god, if this scene had been in then TTDS would have had to be very different (for the better), so here it is.

Michael tells Eleanor the truth from the start.

SUBJECT WAKING UP IN 05:00

“Oh good!” Eleanor takes a sigh at the green counter flashing on the back of Michael’s office wall; “At least you’ve got a few minutes to read his file and prepare, right?”

Michael hums, still retaining that sheen of sweat on his forehead that she’s noticed since she entered. He hasn’t quite seemed his excited, determined tree of a demon-self since she walked in. He claimed it was just nerves which, fair enough, made sense considering humanity itself was counting on them.

He’d always seemed so confident since she met him on Earth. She can hardly speak for the Michael she had paired up with before, those memories were lost to her, or the brief glimpses of the ‘evil’ (still putting it mildly) manipulator she saw in the flashbacks of her and Chidi together. The only Michael she’s truly known up until now is the one before her now, the one who saved her and has been watching over her and her friends all this time, guiding them, their constant leader and protector...even if Janet ended up doing most of the physical protecting, the thought still counted, very much so.

This Michael...Her Michael...was no demon. He was their guardian angel buddy. And she didn’t believe anyone could be in charge of the experiment that would fix this screwed up afterlife more than him.

“Hey,” she gets his attention again, deciding that he’s going to know this before she leaves; “Whatever your plan is? It's gonna be great! We trust you.”

His eyes meet hers, a smile full of surprised warmth appearing on his face.

“Your friends will always trust you.”

No one has earned that trust more than this dude.

She gives Michael a thumbs up and turns to go out the back door so he can get ready to wake this ‘John’ guy up and get his shirt together. She dimly hears Michael muttering to himself.

“You go...I’m going...And I’m gone...”

Eleanor turns in time to see all six feet of her buddy’s skin suit crumble to his knees.

“Michael?!”

She moves to catch him as he slumps against his desk, falling on the floor, her hands on his arm. No, no, no, what the fork is wrong?! Is he sick? Did Shawn or another demon poison him?! All sorts of horrors run through her head to the point she forgets what they’re even supposed to be starting in less than a few minutes, her focus entirely on Michael’s wellbeing.

“I can’t....I can’t do it....” He starts to hyperventilate, looking at her, eyes wide behind those specs; “I can’t do it, it’s too scary...Oh no, oh no, oh no!”

She’s never heard his voice break like this. Fork, he’s always held it together around them, been their firm if quirky champion. Had that all just been an act?

Was the quivering wreck in her arms more like the Michael she befriended in the last reboot?

“Michael, look at me.” she takes his hand, clutching it tight; “I know it’s a lot but you need to get it together. You’ve got this!”

“No, I don’t! I don’t got this, Eleanor!” He starts to whimper, burying his face in his free hand; “I can’t do this, I’m nothing special, I’m just Middle Management!”

“Bullshirt! Dude, listen!” She says, fiercely; “You are better than all of the demons and Judges and angel nerds I’ve come across so far! You actually want to do shirt that matters, you try to get it done where they either give up or don’t care! You got us this far, man, farther than anyone has ever come out of this ridiculous system...You even got me to snap out being a selfish bench drowning in my nihilistic, determinist crab - You are...You’re our hero, Michael, don’t you get that? And you can be a hero for these humans we’re gonna welcome in too, and for every human that ever dies-.”

“You know you’re just adding to the pressure, right?”

“Right, fork, forget that last bit.” Eleanor retreats, taking a breath; “Look, all I’m saying is, you have nothing to worry about. You can do this, I have faith in you...Me! I never had faith in anyone since I stopped believing in the tooth fairy after I stayed awake to try to mug her.”

Michael laughs with her, and for a small respite, Eleanor hopes she’s managed to crack through the stress and let him calm down. But then he meets her eyes again, his gaze lingering, before he crumbles into tears.

“No, no, no, I can’t...I can’t, it’s too much...Too much to lose...”

Eleanor looks at the timer. Three minutes thirty seconds. Damn, they don’t have long.

“Michael, what do you mean?” She asks, putting on her no nonsense voice; “We’ve always known what’s at stake, bud, this hasn’t phased you before, why now? What changed?”

He hangs his head, bringing his knees in close and hugging himself like a frightened kid.

Eleanor places her palm on the side of his head; “Talk to me! I just told you that your friends will always trust you, remember? That needs to be two-way, buddy. Trust me. Let me in. Can you do that?”

He remains frozen, meek sobs choking out, eyes shut.

“...For me?”

He looks up at her again, a shift in his expression. As if he’s only seen her there for the first time.

“Shawn called.” Barely a whisper.

Eleanor’s jaw clenches, her fingers tightening on Michael’s wrist.

“What...?” The fork?!

“B-before you came in...He called to say that...He wanted to taunt me about you all being tortured when...I-if we lose...” He sniffs, rubbing his nose; “B-but that also...He’s going to torture you by having one of the demons...w-wear a suit of me. So you guys think that I’m the one...I’m the one who...”

His voice breaks apart again as he shatters once more.

Eleanor’s guts twist in rage. How the fork dare that low-rent Satan mess with her buddy like that?! When they’re only a minute away from...?!

She puts her hands to Michael’s face.

“Hey. Hear me, bud.” She’s truly fired up now, “There is no way we are ever going to fall for a trick like that, even if we do lose, which we won’t. We’ll never believe any of those losers are really you. Especially now you’ve told me.”

“That’s it...That’s why I wasn’t going to...” He confesses, cringing with shame; “He said that he’d erase your memories of finding out. And...”

Another look of horror passes over him.

He tries to shuffle away from her.

“Y-you’re never gonna be sure if it’s me or not...Or if they’ve swapped me, you...” He shudders, uncontrollably, fingers clawing at his own face; “How can you ever trust me now knowing what I’ve told you?!”

He recoils as if she’s already voiced her rejection.

“Dude...It’s okay....” she tries to be soft at first, wanting to reach out and brush those tears off his stupid, pretty but stupid face.

He just shakes his head and keeps looking away.

Eleanor darts forward and reaches for his hands again, pulling them close to her.

“Michael. I didn’t think it was possible to trust you more than I did five minutes ago but, after you just told me this, and seeing what it’s done...I trust you with everything, with every piece of this...hot soul of mine before you, ‘kay?” She tells him before reaching a hand out to stroke his cheek; “I see you. I know it’s you. And as soon as we get a moment, we can tell the others and organise some sort of plan to ease your worries about this, but for now....Just breathe. Go on.”

He obeys her, taking a deep breath in, then out. The anxiety remains etched into the lines on his face. No wonder, that little mental torture of Shawn’s clearly did a number on him at the worst time.

She reaches out to place her palm on his chest.

“Does that help? I see Jason do it all the time.” she asks, frowning.

Michael is able to manage a tiny smile amidst his distress, looking down at her fingers over the space where his heart should be (but isn’t).

“...It’s helping.”

Eleanor shuffles forward on the floor and tugs him into her arms, wrapping him up in the tightest of hugs. She wishes, for a moment, she had the power to snap her fingers and take this message from Shawn out of Michael’s memories. Or just beat the shirt outta the guy. Or both.

No one messes with her demon.

“I know you, man. Even without my memories...I feel like I’ve always known you. I ain’t ever letting any stupid demon make me forget you again, or the real you.” She leans in and plants a lingering, sweet kiss on his cheek, leaning back a bit to look into his eyes; “We’re gonna win this. I’m sure we will...And none too soon, we’re gonna be celebrating that victory over Shawn by burning all those fake Michael suits and getting drunk off our ashes.”

He sniffs, raising his hand to stroke her hair, tears soaking his cheeks.

“Eleanor, I...It was so hard to have you guys forget me again but...Not having you trust me, or think I’d ever hurt you again, I...I can’t cope with it...!”

“Then don’t! Don’t let him get to you!” She urges, turning to the wall.

00:30 REMAINING

It’s not enough time. Not for Michael to suddenly clean himself up and be as normal as an only somewhat fake angelic Architect can be. He’s too shaken up. She can give him all the comfort in the cosmos but it won’t restore his courage in time.

Well. Eleanor steels herself. She’ll have to have enough courage for the both of them.

“I’ll do it.” She tells him; “I’ll tell John that I’m the Architect. You just sit in the corner and pretend to be my assistant.”

“What?” Michael blinks; “I....I can’t ask you to...”

“You don’t need to. I’m stealing that chair of yours, bud. I look better in it anyway.” She tells him, resolute; “I can fudge my way through it and then you help me work it out from the shadows, that sound good? Like I said. We’re gonna do this as a team.”

She takes his hand and interlocks their fingers together.

“Trust me?”

He glances at their hands and then at her, taking another deep breath.

“....A-always.”

She smiles, hoping she’s not about to make a huge fork-up. After all Michael has done for her, she has no qualms about taking this role on for him to get it together.

As the last few seconds count down, she crushes him in another hug.

“Say it with me, man.” she whispers, feeling him tighten his hold as if she’ll disappear; “We’ve got this.”

He exhales, melting in her arms for the last spare moments, before they get back on their feet. Somehow feeling like they’re on the same level now, even with the silver devil still towering over her, a renewed spark of hope in his eyes.

“We’ve got this.”

#emotional hurt/comfort #tgp fanfic #hellstrop #michael x eleanor (platonic)#as this takes place when cheleanor are together #so it's more brotp #found family feels

15 notes · View notes

abused-sides · 4 years

Text

Be Brave [Whumptober]

Note: I’m doing whumptober as a series. Check out the tag #whumptober 2020 v on my blog to read in order. Also on ao3.

Prompt: No. 6: Please… [No More]

Synopsis: Virgil and Janus are punished for trying to escape.

Trigger warnings: Cults, gaslighting/manipulation, restraints, kidnapped, non-con, humiliation, treating people like property, blood, knives, violence/beatings, a person in a cage, guns, body horror/gore, reference to murder/hate crimes/child death/minor character death, vomiting, let me know if I missed anything

Word count: 1455

A/N: I had to do a lot of really sad research for this lol.

October 9th. 12:55 am.

Virgil hyperventilated beside him.

Bates' velvet voice boomed over the auditorium. He didn’t need a microphone. You’d think there’d be cheers, applause when he took breaths, but no— Everyone sat on the edge of their seats, deadly silent.

“...after we showed our good will in bringing Janus mercifully back to us, after saving him from the trash can that lives outside our family, and even going as far to rescue his friend and cut into more of our resources to feed and house him, they conspire against us and try to abandon us.”

Bates’ voice cut into his chest. He dragged in slow, quiet breaths. Everything in him screamed to reach out to Virgil, take his hand and promise him they’d survive this, but the ropes dug into his wrists and the tape wouldn’t budge from his mouth.

“We simply cannot take this abuse any longer. We’re doing a majority vote here. We can either release these poor victims back into the cesspool and the murder and the rape and the garbage, or we can give them a little taste of it, here, in safety, and let them decide whether to stay or not. Everyone in favour of release?”

It was no surprise when everyone’s hands stayed down. Bates asked the second option, and among the hands raised were whoops, applause, and shouting. Janus shivered.

“As much as I’d love the honour to help them both, I simply can’t divide my attention. It wouldn’t be fair to them, anyway. I ask my closest partner, Styx, to help me with the lesson. Remus, you come up, too, get ready to step in.”

Styx climbed the steps to the stage with a grin. He unfolded a long, black leash and clipped it to Virgil’s collar. “Don’t worry, pet. We know you’re just confused. We’re going to save you.”

To the side of the stage, Bates pulled a newspaper off a table. He held it open towards the audience. “Three days ago four men broke into a single parents’ apartment, tied her and her child down, and forced the two to watch as they stabbed them to death. Why don’t we start there?”

The crowd cheered. Sweat dripped down Janus’ back, pooled on his top lip. Tears streamed down Virgil’s red face.

Bates and Styx turned them around to face each other. The crowd's energy was a white noise, cicadas buzzing in Janus’ ears. Virgil stared at him with wide, terrified eyes. Bates and Styx unsheathed their knives, and tears pricked Janus’ eyes.

He couldn’t breathe.

Bates rested a hand on his shoulder and leaned down to kiss his cheek. “Be brave. At least you’ll survive this. Remus?”

Remus rushed over and knelt between them, gesturing over Janus. “You want to go under the belly button, Bates. Any higher and he’ll bleed out too quickly for me to help. Stay away from the chest and anything above, including the shoulders— That goes for both of you. Lower arms and legs are okay as long as you let me in one time.” He turned to Virgil and rested a hand over his abdomen. “Styx, stay away from his abdomen. His ovaries, uterus, all of that stuff will bleed out far too quickly and he will die.”

Virgil’s hyperventilating reached a head as he choked on his sobs and the gag in his mouth.

“I know you two have a lesson to teach,” he said lowly, “but please know when to stop.”

Bates waved him away, and it was like a death sentence. Janus sucked in a choking gasp as blunt paint erupted in his abdomen, stealing all his breath. Did he fucking punch me? It wasn’t until Bates yanked the knife out only to drive it back in that he knew what happened. He cried out, warm liquid running down his stomach and thighs.

Virgil was so quiet Janus worried he was dead. Through his blurred vision, Virgil bit his lip hard enough to split the skin, eyes squeezed shut. Bates stabbed him several more times, in the forearm and calves, before sheathing the bloody knife and stepping aside. He gestured to Janus, and Remus rushed in with his backpack.

Styx held Virgil up by his leash and drove the knife into his shin. Virgil sobbed as Remus laid Janus on his back. He undid his binds and stretched his arms and legs out, cutting away the bottom half of his shirt and away his jeans. Janus’ vision swam as Remus worked on stopping the bleeding. He was vaguely aware of his legs being elevated, something pushing against his back to prop him upright, Remus talking, but he was hot all over and he wanted to throw up.

He couldn’t tell how long it had been before Remus hurried back into the wing and Bates lowered Janus’ legs. Virgil cried out as Styx dropped his.

“Are you starting to get it?” Bates laughed. “This is the kind of thing you were running back to. Is this really where you want to be? Janus?”

He pulled Janus gag out, and he gasped for breath. “No,” he managed. “No, I’m sorry, please-”

“We’re not done yet.” He shoved the gag back in and picked up a piece of printer paper. He held it to the audience. “This is a picture of 11-year-old Sadie Winters. She was walking home from school when an unknown person choked her to death and left her there. Shall we move on to poor Sadie?”

Bates pulled the string out of his hoodie and wrapped the two ends around his fists. Styx clamped Virgil’s leash around his throat and held tight.

“Don’t be so impatient, Styx,” Bates sighed before the hoodie string tied around Janus’ neck.

“Okay, you have to be quick!” Remus cried hastily. “I’m serious, don’t push it, you can kill them in minutes!”

Ringing filled Janus’ ears as his vision blurred. Black spots grew, and it was like his head was ready to explode. His pain washed away as his eyes rolled back.

He gasped as Bates smacked him in the face, eyes flying open. “You ready to go again?”

“Bates-”

His voice broke, his throat screaming. Bates hauled him back upright and pulled the string back around his throat. A few seconds later, the black swallowed his vision once more. His entire body tingled. He was still half-passed out as his stomach lurched and vomit forced its way up his throat.

“Get back, get back! Hey, sit up.” Remus’ voice was soft in his ear as he helped Janus to sit upright. His stomach contracted and pulled, sending agony through Janus’ body, as he retched onto the stage, his vision dark, spotty, and blurred. “Bates, I obviously can’t tell you what to do, but if you don’t move on, they will die.”

“Well, that certainly isn’t the point of this exercise,” Bates huffed. “We’ll move on. We only have a few more to get through then everyone can break for dinner.”

“Shh, shh, you’re going to be okay,” Remus hushed as he took out Janus’ gag. “You have to breathe, please breath, Jan-Jan.”

“I can’t do any more,” he whimpered. “Please stop him.”

Remus cupped his face. “I can’t. You know I can’t. But I’m going to make sure you two are okay, alright? Just hold on a little longer.”

Janus buried his face in Remus’ shoulder and gripped onto him. “Please.”

“I’m so sorry it’s come to this, Janus,” Bates said with a frown. “Are we starting to realize why you’re better off here?”

He nodded frantically. “Yes, yes, I’ll never try to leave again, please, please stop, please no more!”

Bates hummed, watching him curiously. His gaze slid to Virgil, who grimaced as Styx stroked his cheek. “And Virgil? How are you feeling?”

“The only people doing this to us is you,” he snarled, “you sick fuck, let us go!”

Dread washed over Janus like he’d been set on fire. Bates sighed. “I guess we continue. Poor, confused thing.” He came over and ran his fingers through Janus’ hair.

“Please let me go,” Janus whimpered. “I won’t leave you again.”

He smiled. “No. You two are a team. I can’t risk him corrupting you again.”

Bates strolled to the front of the stage and announced their next lesson. Remus kissed Janus’ forehead, and, as much as Janus begged him not to, left back to the wing.

His eyes locked with Virgil’s. Virgil sobbed, his face scarlet, his hair matted with sweat. That fire he had, the anger and ferocity that fueled him, was dying out. It used to be a wall of bubbling magma behind his eyes. Now it was nothing more than a birthday candle.

Kofi and commissions, 1 coffee = 300 words of your prompt

#whumptober2020 #no.6 #please...#no more #sanders sides #fic #virgil writes #virgil #remus #janus #virgil sanders #remus sanders #janus sanders #sympathetic remus #sympathetic janus #sympathetic deceit #whump #angst #whumptober 2020 v

16 notes · View notes

bnhavibes · 5 years

Text

sorry. Todoroki x Reader ANGST(trigger warnings apply)

TW: mentions of depressive episodes, suicidal ideation, self harm, and an attempt.

a/n: PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU WILL BE PUSHED OVER A LIMIT OF COMFORTABILITY PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I LOVE YOU AND I AM HERE IF YOU NEED TO TALK.

“SOMEONE, PLEASE!! CALL AN AMBULANCE, THE FIREMEN OR POLICE” A shriek in the doemitory common room made Todoroki’s head snap up from the book he was studying.

Another typical day had passed, where Shoto had missed classes while he was healing from his injuries at the Hosu City incident. He huffed as he stood up, thinking it was a prank another student was pulling on the rest of them.

“You extras know we’re heroes in training, right?” Bakugou laughed, but stopped when he saw the student frantically grabbing the pay phone and quickly dialing.

“HELLO!? YES, THERES A STUDENT ON THE EDGE OF A WINDOW OF THE UA DORMITORIES!! I—I THINK SHES GOING TO JUMP—” The words ignited a click in Todoroki’s head. Immediately he started running to the staircase, ignoring the calls of the Dekusquad to wait for them.

“Who’s the student on the roof? Why hasn’t anybody gone up there!?” He could hear Tenya ask. But Shoto was already three flights up before he could hear the answer.

“It’s Y/N.”

————————————————————

Depression is a funny thing.

One day you’re aceing all the practice exams and cramming in four hour long study sessions, the next you’re.... on the floor of the girls lockerroom. Letting the blood that was oozing out of your tender thighs dilute in the hot shower. Your throat dry and scratchy from the stifled cries and heaving sobs now causing extreme discomfort. On days like today, nothing could go right.

You missed your morning alarm, and the three missed calls from Deku. He even texted Shoto that you weren’t in class, resulting in a visit from the injured boy. He was very concerned, but he kept saying he didn’t want to pester you if you were busy. And you couldn’t help but think you must have done something to him, hurt him in some way to make him feel like he was a pest.

‘You’re such a piece of shit friend. You can’t even tell your crush that he didn’t do this, YOU did’ You thought to yourself, edging the tears that were barely wobbling over the crevice of your eyelids. You let another ribbon of pain glide over your scarred, hidden skin, this time going over your ribcage.

It didn’t help that your quirk was Cell Manipulation. You would have been the perfect surgeon.

“If you weren’t such a fucking idiot.” You whispered to yourself, ripping another slice into your ribcage. After the water ran clear, you shut it off; Your mind was a fuzzy collision of seratonin fighting to break the barrier cells, and the depression fighting off your meds. You sniffled, wrapping your towel around your body and heading to your room. Fortunately for you, being on the fifth floor meant you got a whole floor of showers just for you today. There were only two other girls on this floor, Yaoyarozu and Asui, and they were in class. So were the boys, so you could be alone in the truest sense. The entire building was empty, save for Todoroki. He was probably in the lounge, you assumed so because his door was shut and there was no lights on when you passed by on your way to your own. The weight on your shoulders began to increase your symptoms, your feet getting heavier and heavier with each step.

As you entered your room you didn’t bother to turn the lights on; Your impending gloom liked to sulk in the darkness, letting it envelop you in a wicked, yet soft embrace. You let the towel fall off your body and tossed your bathing items on the ground, not caring how they made a mess. ‘Maybe some music will make me feel better.’ You think before chuckling a bit as the most depressing playlist you have started playing rather loudly through your speakers. You didn’t care though, you liked your kusic loud, and besides, there was two whole hours until training was over. Reluctantly, you slipped into a pair of boyshorts and your favorite camisole. It was teal, your favorite boy’s right eye color, and it helped you ease out of a full on panic attack for all but a moment when you realized you had forgotten there was a 300 point practice exam you had to turn in today as you tore through your backpack for your writing journal.

It was the last straw.

Frantically, you tore apart anything you could find. Notes, drawings, your pathetic drawings of your classmates, nothing was safe from the hyperventilating girl growling at her own procrastination. Once you saw your journal, you stopped, only to read the first page and begin to rip them all out. Tears streamed down your face as confessions to Shoto had begun to fill the pages. A few hit the pages, making you angrier. You kick and scream at your journal, throwing it as hard as you could at the back wall. But, with your luck, it smashed through the windowsill, glass shattering all over your carpeted floor.

“UUUUUUUUGRRRRRR!!! WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I TOUCH!?” You scream out the window, at no one but yourself. You kick the rest of the glass off the frame, and tear the screen off before chucking it to the ground below. Your eyes fail to see the group of students arriving over the horizon on your left, focused on the space between you and the dirt the screen landed upon. Your heartbeat was loud, your ears ringing as you focused your attention on the edge of the windowsill, grabbing on the frame and slowly lifting a foot up on it. You were trembling, you could hear it in your breath, the music behind you setting you off.

Take me to the roof top.

I wanna see, the world when I stop...

breathing..... turning blue.

The saddening lyrics hit home, making you squeeze your eyes shut as you lifted yourself onto the ledge carefully. Your hands gripped the frame so tightly your knuckles turned white, your own body fighting for life more than your brain. You focused yourself on the words, singing lightly as you debated letting go, not hearing the panicked screams and cries from your classmates below.

Tell me love is endless.

Don’t be so pretentious.

They were panicking, collecting the torn pages of your journal and attempting to call you to your senses. You didn’t blame them, but they couldn’t help but plead and shout their own apologies for hurting you in any way.

They begged.

“Sorry cant save me now,” You sing, swaying forward, but jolting back a bit each time you got a little too close. “Sorry... I don’t know how—”

You were so sure, but your body refused to let you be so hasty.

————————————————

Taste me, the salty tears on my cheek

That’s what a year long headache

does to you....

The music echoed off the walls of hallway of your floor, the acoustics reverberated in the stairwell, and Todoroki pushed himself harder. He knew that playlist. He knew every time you played it, you were always crying in your room, refusing his help until he would bring you a very late dinner, which you would take silently, avoiding his gaze as he watched your tear stained face.

I’m not okay, I feel so scattered.

Don’t say I’m all that matters.

Leave... me.

Deja vu.

‘Please don’t be stupid.’ He thought to himself, yanking the door open, leaving Deku but a flight behind. (Iida and Uraraka decided to keep an eye on your from the outside.) He stormed down the hall, skidding as he got to your door before knocking.

“Hey, it’s Sh-Shoto.” He said, trying to talk over the music. “Open up, please.” You couldn’t hear him though, you had started screaming the lyrics with your entire chest.

Sorry can’t save me now

Sorry there’s no way out

but doooooown

Knocking became pounding, “(Y/N)! Open up, please!” He begged, beginning to overwork his emotions. He couldn’t handle losing you, not when he was just now recognizing his true feelings for you. His pounding turned into kicking, and attempts at knocking your door down with his body.

“Calllll my friends and tell them that I love them!” You screamed, now noticing the worried Ochako, “AND ILL MISS THEM.” Her protests were drowned out by approaching sirens. ‘Fuck,’ you thought. ‘I’ve only got a few seconds. It’s now or—’

Call my friends and tell them that I

love them.

“DETROIT SMAAAAAASHHH!” Izuku’s wail from the otherside of your door, and the loud CRASH! had you do a 180 on the ledge, gripping tightly as the impact made your entire door frame blow off, resulting in a gust of wind pushing you back. You blinked slowly as the dust settled and there he was.

“Sh-Shoto...” You whisper, the song reaching it’s last seconds.

And I’ll miss them. Sorry.

“(Y/N)...” He says.

Sorry...

“Don’t.” He warns as your fingers begin to lift off the edge.

“Sorry.” You sang the last note.

——————————————————————————

SUAOSHAOISHZHS I HAD TO DO IT IM SORRY I WAS LISTENING TO BILLIE EILISH WHILE I WAS ON MY FEELINGS AND I WAS LIKE OH WAIT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD ANGST💀💀💀💀💀

Let me know what you think, I’m sorry ahead of time if I made you cry.

612 notes · View notes

sketchyships · 3 years

Text

You remind me of the babe (chapter 1/?)

I can explain.

....No I can’t.

Listen, just read this and pretend that you didn’t see it.

TW: Verbal parental abuse

/./././././././././././././././././././././

My hands shook as I locked my bedroom door behind me, my mother’s still screaming voice echoing across the house. She had been doing this for two hours now; two hours of endless berating, and insults. I couldn’t handle anymore of it.

“LET ME IN!” I winced as she screeched through the thin wood of my door.

My cries caught in my throat, causing me to hiccup and sob. “N-n-no. I-I need a m-minute.”

“You don’t get to walk away from me! I’m not finished! You’re acting like a spoiled child-” Her tone grated against my skin, making me want to scratch, to pull my hair and scream back. Before I could think about what I was doing, I stumbled away from the door and into my closet, slamming it shut behind me. Within moments I was on the floor, clutching my chest and sobbing. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t stand to live like this.

“You’re such a fucking child! Twenty years old and you can’t even take care of yourself! Do you even think?!”

Her earlier words echo in my mind, still ripping into me. My own mother didn’t think I was capable.

“Some of us have to go to work and pay the bills! The least you could do is try and help out, but no, you don’t care to do anything unless it’s fun for you!” All of this just because I had forgotten to take out the trash. Was I really so selfish for forgetting something so small?

“You were supposed to be in college by now, and instead you’re wasting your life! You want to be a child?! Fine! I’ll take everything away from you, and you won’t be able to leave! I’ll treat you like one!” She thought I was a failure, and to be fair, I probably was one.

My chest ached as I struggled for breath, the memories of everything she had said overwhelming me. I cried out without thinking, my voice hitching as I rocked back and forth. “I-I wish I c-could just disappear! Just get me out of here! Anyone, please!”

My voice faded, and I was left in silence. There was no one to hear my cries, no one to comfort me. I was totally, and dreadfully alone. It was stupid of me to give in and let myself break like this-

I froze in place as I heard a tiny, high pitched giggle above me. I blinked and looked up, squinting in the darkness. “H-hello?”

Another giggle, this one in front of me. My breath froze in my lungs as I reached up and tried to shakily turn on the light. No matter how hard I searched, I couldn’t seem to find it.

The giggling grew louder as I stood, forcing open the closet door before stumbling toward the light switch. The light flickered on for a moment before the light bulb sputtered out with a loud POP!

I screamed and ducked my head to avoid any falling glass shards. Ok, fuck this. The stress was finally making me crack. I shook myself and tried to open the door. “Mom? Mom, I’m sorry, but I-I need help-”

The door knob didn’t move as I yanked it side to side. The giggling was growling steadily louder around me as I struggled to keep my breathing steady. “M-mom-”

I screeched as I felt something latch onto my leg in the darkness. The laughter exploded into cackles as I felt what seemed like claws dig into my legs and start to drag me down.

“STOP IT! STOP! HELP!” I had lost it. Was this some kind of nightmare?!

“What do you think we’re doing?” A voice like broken crystal crooned in my ear as more tiny claws dug into my shoulders and sides, lifting me off the ground.

I strained to get out of their grasps, covering my face as I began to hyperventilate. This was a nightmare, it was all just a nightmare. I had fallen asleep inside the closet, I was going to wake up. I needed to wake up, RIGHT NOW!

“That’s quite enough. You can let her go now.” I gasped as all of the hands dropped me, and I smacked into the ground with a harsh thud. I jolted up, kicking at the tiny creatures that were scurrying away from me.

“That’s the last time I send them to retrieve something so important.” I froze as a shadow fell over me. “Are you quite alright? They didn’t smack your pretty little head off anything, did they?”

I blinked and slowly forced my eyes upward. The man standing over me was… I couldn’t decide if he was enchanting, or insane. The first thing I saw were his riding boots, shined so perfectly I could see my own terrified expression in them. Then a pair of light gray dress pants, and a black corset vest over what looked like a Victorian dress shirt. The entire outfit seemed to glimmer slightly, as if the wearer had been dipped in a mix of shellac and glitter. All of that paled in comparison to his actual face. His eyes practically glowed, one a radiant emerald green, the other a honeyed earthen brown. His skin was pale, and his face was chiseled like a marble statue. When he spoke, his mouth was overfilled with fangs that grew in every direction, and long, warped ears stuck out from his golden hair, which emulated both a spider plant and a cartoon cigar that had exploded. My heart sputtered for a beat, but it wasn’t out of fear.

My mouth opened before I could think about what I was about to say. “If I’m dreaming, I’ve got some issues to work out with my subconscious.”

He snorted before offering me a hand. I flinched back on instinct, lowering my head.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He raised an eyebrow and looked back at his hand expectantly.

I paused before slowly taking it and standing, glancing around. I was in what looked like a stone throne room. The walls were crafted with what looked like giant, uneven bricks. We stood on uneven, cracked tiles, and a deep fire pit was set in the floor about a dozen feet away.. The walls were covered in uneven shelves, and large, colorful banners. For a throne room, it was rather… unfinished.

“What do you think, Emily?” I froze as he spoke just behind my ear.

I turned, nearly tripping on an uneven tile as I felt my eyes widen. “How do you know my name-no, stupid question. It’s- it’s fine.” I took another step back, trying to get space between us. “It’s lovely, really. Now, I… I hate to be rude, but I really must leave. Which exit do I take to wake up?”

My stomach dropped as he smirked down at me. “Leave? Wake up? Dear girl, you aren’t making any sense. You did ask to be taken away, didn’t you?”

My desperate words from before echoed in my mind. “I- well, yes, but I- this is just a dream, this isn’t real-”

“Is that so?” I took another step back as he walked closer to me, flinching yet again as he grabbed my arm. He lifted his free hand to reveal a crystal ball. He pressed it into my hand, and I winced as it warped against my skin. When I looked down, I was holding a white rose, it’s thorns digging into my palm. It’s perfume was overwhelming, and I grimaced as he guided my hand closer to my face. “Tell me, does this seem like something you would dream of? Something so vivid, so life like?”

I dropped it, shaking my head and raking my hands through my hair. “I- That’s not- I don’t- stop!” I couldn’t handle this. This couldn’t be real, but he was right. Everything around me was so unwillingly real.

“No. You asked to be taken, so I took you. It will be easier for you to calm down if you accept that.”

“Who are you?!” My panic began to sour in my stomach as I stared at him. “What kind of sick joke is this?”

He smiled again. “You don’t know? Has it been so long since you thought of me last?” He bowed at the waist. “The dreadful goblin king, Jareth, at your service.”

I felt like I had been shot point blank. So many childhood fairytales, so many daydreams, so many days out in the woods with imaginary friends came rushing back all at once. This couldn’t be real. The goblin king was the antagonist of so many stories I had made up when I was younger. He was an evil, possessive, manipulative bastard that was obsessed with control.

And, now apparently, he had kidnapped me, and taken me hostage.

He stood straight and stepped closer to me. “Why so shocked? Do you not recall the many times I offered to help you? To take you away? All I asked was that you gave up your old life and became mine. Now, you have finally seen reason-”

My shock faded as I stared at him. With every word, I felt something molten hot begin to grow inside me. It didn’t matter if this was a dream; the audacity of any character, any creature to think that they had any right to steal me, was disgusting. I decided to do the only thing that seemed logical in the moment.

I reeled back, and sank my fist into his smug, glittering face.

#self insert #this might be the first written thing I've posted on here and i'm pissed about it #we are going to pretend i'm not anxious about posting this #sketch scribbles #ship: babe with the power

6 notes · View notes

lest-we-be-liars · 4 years

Text

My Family Can't Even With My Dramatic Ass: SPN 15x09

Y'all...that was...that was so much. Let me tell you. I was making noises through that episode that I didn't even know I could make. My children were concerned for my well being. My mother in law over heard me while she was on the phone with my husband and asked if I was hurt (answer: emotionally, yes) and who the hell Chuck was and why he was a sick SOB. I was on my knees at one point. From beginning to end, it had my heart racing. I'm just....

The acting:

Shoshannah

I felt her pain when she had to cut Sam! I felt that!!! I felt her regret! I felt her disdain towards chuck. I felt her conflict of not knowing what was real!

Jared

You beautiful beast, you. Every moment of realization and revelation was CLEAR AS DAY. This man had an emotional rollercoaster throughout this episode. Hope, pain, regret, defiance, loss, indecision....and even when he was tied to a chair it SHOWED! His facial expressions were on point! I live! Glorious as always, my dude!

Rob

Can we please talk about how this man has, probably, the hardest, most controversial job in network television right now. He has to make you hate God. GOD! And he is killing it! Like, he is such a quirky loveable person, but I want his character to burn. That's skill. I feel so uncomfortable when chuck is on screen. I feel so uneasy, like that " walking alone at night in a bad neighborhood" feeling. Just *chef kiss* bravo.

Misha

I know a lot of people don't like him. A lot of people rag on his acting saying 'Castiel only has like 3 emotions/faces'. But when you look at the actor vs the character...Misha is a very expressive person. He is energetic and dramatic and high pitched and his face is always expressive and pretty much he is the opposite of Castiel. Setting aside the fact that he's played like 8 different characters on the show and you can tell which one by facial expressions alone, the fact that this man has been playing a character that is so opposite of who he really is for so long and still keeps people intrigued speaks volumes about his skill. He was wonderful as always in this episode and that is my opinion and I'm sorry you can't change my mind.

Jensen

Give this man ALL of the awards! This whole damn season! Just *incoherent fangirl screeching* From his concern for Sam, to his panic, the TEARS, the confidence with Chuck, his pain over losing Cas, the resignation....I felt uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable because I felt like I was watching a real human being go through all of that. He made me feel like I was watching someone's actual life unfold. You, Jensen, are an artist! Like hot holy damn! I'm basically just still sitting in awe over it. I cant even...jut... flrubergurbermlehlefleh!

The Writing:

Phenomenal. Nuff said.

The episode itself:

Sam, Chuck, and Eileen

I can't handle the pain. When chuck had Eileen cut Sam....nope, no, uh uh, not okay. I was cussing out a fictional character. Out loud. People heard me. Big mad.

Chuck manipulating the Sam/Eileen relationship? I have some not so positive feelings about this. Like, the man has suffered enough. Let hi. Have something good for once without sticking your dirty little fingers in it.

Chuck physically torturing Sam and expecting it to break him? Ha! Dude has had his foot bruleed! One scalpel ain't gonna cut it. Why is he still defiant. Because he's Sam f***ing Winchester.

That first future clip hurt. I like Claire.

That second one made me panic. All I could think was "why is Cas gone?"

The third one though....Sam packing up to head out and Dean coming in defeated. I have so many thoughts and feelings. This is the point I was on my knees. Because Sam was trying to keep the faith. Present Sam was convinced Chuck was showing him lies, because Dean was giving up. But the part that is haunting me, aside from the fact that we learn, Donna, the girls, Eileen and pretty much everyone except Jody and Bobby are gone, is one single pronoun. I. Dean didn't say "we had to bury Cas". He said "I". Where was Sam when all this happened? Why was Dean the one who had to bury him? Alone! Cas is Sam's friend too.How Fucking strong and Terrifying was Cas with the mark that a damn Ma'lek box was the only solution?! Also angel knight of hell demon wtf flerbergerber...IWANTTOKNOWWHATHAPPENDANDHOWALLTHATWENTDOWNOMFC!!!!!

Chucks whole "oh, oh no Dean, don't go out that door...." bs made me rage

Vamp!bros? That's the end? Really?! REALLY?!

The monster taking over the world if chuck is gone? Idk....I don't know if I believe that. Sam might. I don't.

Sam losing his hope...hurt.

Sam losing Eileen because she doesn't know what is real...hurt.

Chuck having his powers back...hurt.

This while storyline just fucking hurt.

Cas and Dean

Cas telling Dean to stop being stupid?! I'm sorry what?! Like, my reaction was similar to Dean's. Like just...well okay then. Go off!

Cas calling the shots about staying together? Go off!!

Nonverbal communication had to happen considering they both know they were being followed but the leviathan didn't know they knew

And it just proves that, even when they're fighting they are still in sync.

Benny!!!😭😭😭

"I left, but you didn't stop me." Kill me.

Cas getting trapped and Dean getting knocked out. Ugh.

That PRAYER!!!!!

Dean apologized?! What?! WHAT?!

Dean acknowledged his anger issues?!

"You're MY best friend." "Of course I forgive you." *hyperventilating*

My guy fell to his knees!

That is WAY more than a single man tear! That was sobbing. There was snot! He was begging. My GOD!

The reunion. That hug. Cas lead the leviathan away from Dean to keep him safe, AGAIN! "I heard your prayer." BFFL STATUS ACHIEVED!

Watching Cas agree to take on the mark made me nervous

They're nonverbal communication coming in again, storming the casino.

Dean decking Chuck made me chuckle. I didn't like chuck returning the favor. Dean's speech to chuck after finding out about the memories. "Not this Sam. Not this Dean."

Dean didn't blow up at Sam. He has acknowledged his anger and is working on it. THAT'S CHARACTER GROWTH MY FRIENDS!

Finishing each others sandwiches 😊

TFW IS BACK BABY!

Billie and Jack

Jack!!!!!!!

Wtf is it time for?!?!?!?!

Just a wonderful painful/relieving episode. 9.6/10. I have no idea where this is going....and I LOVE it!

#supernatural season 15 #supernatural #tfw #season 15 spoilers #castiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn chuck #eileen leahy #sam needs a hug #the prayer #spn 15x09 #i still have a lot of questions #this episode #this ep was amazing #spoliers #review

29 notes · View notes

nikoalaa · 4 years

Text

usually this is something i’d post on a side blog with no tags or followers (just to get out of my head), but i think this time i want the possibility of someone helping. idk how long this will be but i’ll put it under a read more when i’m on my computer.

i’ve been struggling more lately. idk if it’s just the pandemic and quarantine and everything getting to me, but this has all been happening before too, just maybe not as often. i’m more anxious, i’m more depressed, i want to shut myself away from friends and not leave my house much unless it’s a quick trip somewhere by myself. i’m so tired all the time. i’m just so, so exhausted. and since i’m home a lot with nothing to do, i’ll sleep. my schedule is so messed up. i sleep basically 5am-2pm and then sometimes still take a nap. like today i slept 5 or 6 am- 2, woke up and had something small to eat, sat at my computer and then slept again 6:30pm-9pm. i jokingly call this my “unemployed schedule” with my parents, but i think they just think i’m lazy.

and speaking of them, i think a lot of my problems i have with myself would be nonexistent if i just had good parents. my crooked teeth wouldn’t be an issue if my dad didn’t hate doctors and was scared of the dentist, therefore never making appointments for me or my brother, resulting in us both not having good teeth. my weight and unhealthy relationship to food wouldn’t be an issue if my mom would have just made me eat a god damn vegetable when i was a kid instead of just giving me chicken nuggets so i would stop whining. and when i was chubbier then other kids, instead of herself trying to fix my diet by actually cooking healthy food and making me eat it, she made me see a doctor and go to group sessions of other kids in similar situations (that i was very uncomfortable going to, to the point of me crying, but she forced me to go anyway). which none of that helped anyway, it just made me self conscious about eating so i now hate food and when i do eat in public, i feel gross and that people are staring at me. and now my body has tricked itself that if i’m out in public, i can only eat very little or else i get sick and throw up. and my mental illness could be in check if my parents just put in any effort. they’ve been aware of my depression since i was in 3rd grade (which my mom would phrase as “you don’t seem as happy anymore”) and i recall having anxiety since kindergarten. i get that we didn’t have a lot of money when i was growing up, so maybe they just made me see the guidance counselor every friday for two school years. which is fine, that’s what they could do and it was at least something idk. but after that it’s like they stopped caring. i went on to public school after that and i hated it. i constantly would go to the nurses office in 5th grade and pretend being sick so my mom could pick me up or some how get me home. that should have been a red flag. or whenever my dad asked me how my day was and i never said “good”, another red flag. i was so depressed for the rest of my time in public school, and they didn’t do anything. sure i would join clubs or play sports to try to make myself happy and have fun, but it wasn’t ever enough. high school was even worse. i was angry all the time. just that angry emo kid sat in the back of the class. and eventually i lost almost all my friends. i started cutting, but i kept it hidden until i got changed after gym class one day. someone i was kinda friends with spotted the cuts on my upper arm. they gave me a knowing look and asked what happened. i said my dog scratched me. but it was way too many cuts and too dark to be dog scratches. but they didn’t ask again and i was grateful because i didn’t want help at the time. rest of school went on, the cutting stopped (or at least stopped being as frequent. relapses now and again), had panic attacks before and during school (that i always seemed like a burden for having when my mom had to deal with it), then i had a manipulative friend/ex gf i’m not even going to get into rn. long section short, my parents knew i was struggling. they would mention it off handedly. “you didn’t seem as happy” “we saw their was something going on” stuff like that. but they did nothing to help me. never asked questions, never talked to me, never asked if i needed help or someone else to talk to.

after highschool the panic attacks weren’t as frequent, but the depression was there. and they knew it. because even now and then i would bring it up, especially when i was having a breakdown. i would tell them i need help, i need a therapist and i need medication. she said (because it was always my mom i would go to) that she would see what she could do. then nothing happened. another time, full break down, and i fully told her i am suffering and i need help. she made me feel like such a burden and an inconvenience. she said she had no idea how to get me a therapist. no idea where to start. so i told her, mainly yelled, to ask this one lady we know (someone who had actually done more for my mental health than my own mother) for advice because i know her two kids go to therapy and stuff. she said she would try but she never did. few weeks ago, i have the biggest panic attack i’ve had in a while. full hyperventilating, almost going to throw up, all because there was a bug in my room trapped under a bowl. that is not healthy. i’m sobbing and gasping for air as my dad is trying to get the fast bug off the floor but not lose it, and once it’s gone i’m in bed sobbing and heaving and my whole body is twitching uncontrollably. she thinks she’s hot shit because she did that “5 things you can touch” bull shit once i was starting to calm. nothing again after that. what they did, they bought a hand vacuum so i could catch bugs myself. i guess so i won’t have to bother them at 4 in the morning and again freaking the fuck out. all in all, if they got me therapy as a teen and i had meds, i probably would be much much much better off. i won’t even go into the trans stuff rn. i think they think it went away because they ignored it and i don’t talk about it with them. even tho in the rest of the world away from family, i go by my chosen name and my friend calls me “he”. but it’s been almost 4 years, if not already 5 years, since i came out to them. they said they looked up therapy and stuff but again, nothing ever happened. i joke with my parents and say they’re lucky i don’t steal my dogs prozac and they laugh. i know it’s exactly the one used for people because it’s the same exact one my ex took. these days i’m starting to see things out of the corner of my eye, but nothing is there. i tell my mom i think i have adhd or something because i’ve read symptoms and it would make sense. and i also don’t remember a time where my head wouldn’t just be quiet. even now. it never is. but she says i was tested and they didn’t say i had adhd. when i was 7... and it’s misdiagnosed in afab people... and especially since i was anxious as a child.. and nervous around the lady who tested me. when. i. was. 7. shit develops later in life. but she won’t believe me because she says she’s trained to see the signs for her work. but then she’ll bring up how my uncle, grandma, and dad, are like the poster kids for adhd. and she just won’t believe me.

i’m really struggling with just everything. and i feel guilty that i’m even struggling and “feeling bad”. i’m a white kid from the philly suburbs. everything could be much much worse for me. but then again, i know thinking like this isn’t good for me. just because it could be worse, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a hell of a lot better too. i just want to be okay. i want to be healthy and happy. i’ve never really gotten to experience it all. my happiness seems fake and it fades away. my idea of health is “going to the gym and the right amount of anorexia.” i know that’s not healthy but that’s just the only way i know. my mom doesn’t seem to care anyway. i tell her that when i am working or i was in school, i would only have like one meal a day. she didn’t say a thing. i just want to be happy. i don’t want to die. i really don’t. i hate being alive but like, i’m already here. i’m not going to take myself out. but it’s just so hard to exist a lot of the time. idk how i’ve done it this long. and i can tell it’s gonna get bad again because i tried to cut myself a few nights ago. the knife wasn’t sharp enough to really make a mark but i had no energy to keep trying. i really need help but idk what to do anymore.

#im so sorry this is so long #it took me an hour to write #ill put a read more later #im so sorry #tw depression #tw anxiety #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw self harm #tw cutting #ask to tag #just in case #im gonna try to sleep cuz its now almost 5:30 am

2 notes · View notes

madrut16 · 5 years

Text

Day 8: Haunted

For Day 8 of the @choicesjulychallenge

Book/Pairing: Bloodbound (Adrian x MC)

Rating: PG-13 (Warning: mentions of abuse)

Summary: After waking up from her nightmare while in Vegas, Isabel is forced to relive the worst night of her life and is forced to reveal what exactly happened with her ex Derek.

@kinda-iconic @endlesshero1122 @desiree-0816 @choicesfannatalie @krishu213 @choices97 @jlpplays1 @riseandshinelittleblossom @brightpinkpeppercorn @ladykateofhousebeaumont @shelley-parah @tabithacarlisle

*If anyone else wants to be tagged in future Bloodbound fics please let me know!*

“A...drian...”

Isabel jolted awake as a muffled scream escaped, and she gasped loudly as her heart hammered in terror as the setting of the Vegas hotel room slowly registered with her. Suddenly, she felt a warm hand on her shoulder and she jumped away instinctively.

“Isabel...it’s me, you’re fine,” Adrian murmured, his eyes roaming all over her trembling form.

Everything was still fresh and she painstakingly began to separate him from the version she had just seen in the nightmare.

She shook her head. “Thank god...it’s not real.”

“Another nightmare?” he questioned, his brows furrowing in concern. She felt herself start to calm down. He wasn't going to hurt her.

She gave him a nod. “You...you were in it...this time. At least, it looked like it was you. I felt...I felt so safe. But, then you...reached out...and...you suddenly...ch-ch...,” she trailed off, unable to bear finishing the sentence. “Oh god, it was horrible!”

“Then what? What did you see me do?” he asked, now becoming worried.

She opened her mouth to answer when a familiar violent flashback began to consume her from just over a year prior. Memories of the one night she wanted to desperately forget.

"No," she whimpered.

She used to have them constantly but this was the first one to hit her since meeting Adrian and becoming his assistant and then more. She had hoped that they had stopped for good, that he had somehow been able to cure them. But she knew the truth, that wasn’t how trauma worked.

Once again she saw the image of Derek standing in front of her while she was pressed up against the wall. It started out as yet another argument, which he usually won with his slick manipulation and fierce temper that could intimidate her like no other. This time, however, she had refused to back down and he met it with icy coldness.

She remembered him seizing her, his short nails digging into her skin enough to draw blood and the slap that came afterward. How much her cheek stung in pain and her eyes watered. That and the violent shaking she was used to putting up with since they had started a few months earlier. Yet that night for some reason it wasn’t acceptable to her anymore. She realized what everyone was trying to tell her for years had been true. She was being abused by him, probably for years at that point.

She then remembered with a sob when Derek grabbed her neck, just like in the dream with Adrian, but that time it was painfully real. She recalled the knife and how tightly it was pressed, first to her collarbone, the red making her start to panic as it seeped out through the blade. Then, when that didn't satisfy him, he moved it to where his hand held her. Isabel could still feel the warmth of the blood trickling down from both wounds that had cut gashes a couple of inches deep. He had just started to make the fatal or near fatal cut when suddenly her army vet neighbor broke into the apartment and saved her.

In mere seconds, she relived all of this and a wave of panic began to flood into her which she was also used to, being a standard accompaniment to the flashbacks.

“Isabel? Talk to me!” Adrian pleaded in bewilderment. He tried to reach for her once more but she quickly backed away from him to the edge of the bed, something she thought she had finally learned not to do. “What did I do?”

“Not...you...him," she tried to choke out before her mind shut off its ability for rational thought. "No! Not...not again!”

Her sobs were deafening as she started to hyperventilate as the invisible walls closed in, threatening to crush her. "Oh God, I can't...I can't breathe!"

The trauma Isabel thought she had under control continued to resurface all at once. She held her now impossibly heavy chest and she gasped for air, curling up in the fetal position as the distinctly familiar feeling of being suffocated rocketed through her.

Adrian looked at her in shock and extreme worry, trying to process everything. He had never seen her so fearful, so helpless. His analytical mind then lingered on her last words while in the dream and suddenly a look of realization hit him like a slap to the face.

“No...I...hurt you?!” The color drained from his face and he looked at his hands and then back at her, his expression darkening. “Shit, no...no! Goddammit!” he growled, his eyes flickering from brown to red. “I thought I was past this!"

Then, he abruptly got up in haste and Isabel vaguely heard the doors to the balcony slam shut. After several more minutes, she started to come down from the panic attack. Eventually, she returned almost back to normal and the pressure lifted, leaving a tired ache in its place.

Still sniffling, she scanned the room and realized that Adrian was gone. Her hand reached for the space he had left, no longer afraid. In fact, she wanted to be as close to him as possible. Confused, she sat there until she let out a gasp, figuring out why he had left so suddenly.

"Oh no. Adrian."

Her eyes flicked to the balcony and she noticed him out there leaning against the balcony and her brows creased with concern at his gloomy expression. Did he really think that it was his fault? She had to remedy that. She hated talking about anything related to Derek, the feelings she got whenever she did were still blisteringly painful. But, she couldn’t deny the truth or prevent the inevitable, his ghost was starting to haunt what she had now. She couldn't put off this conversation any longer.

Putting on her silk nightgown, she made some green tea before walking over. Her eyes widened as she opened the glass door and saw that some of it was cracked and the frame was bent.

Hearing her as she stepped outside into the twilight, Adrian looked over at her cautiously.

She gave him a half-hearted smile as if signaling that she wasn't hostile. “Hey.”

“Isabel.” He swallowed as stopped in the open space next to him. Hesitating, he asked, “Are you alright?”

Letting out a sigh, she gave him a tired smile. “I will be.”

That's the answer she always provided when the question had been asked before. A standard reply. But somehow, when she said it to him, she wished more than ever that the empty phrase would come true.

“I’m sorry," he said abruptly, bringing her out of her head. "I don’t know what has become of me lately.”

Taking a sip of the warm beverage in her hands, she frowned. “What do you mean?”

He looked down at the concrete in shame. “I wish that I could tell you that I would never be capable of what you saw in the dream...but clearly you know that I am.”

“Wait...you mean...what you did to Langdon?”

She knew that ever since he killed him that he felt remorse, but she had no idea that it was this extreme.

He nodded reluctantly. “Vampires...we have a dark side. All of us, including me. And back when I was...loyal to Gaius, I gave into it. Let him nurture it. And I’ve tried for so long to fight it, almost a century now. I thought I finally had this under control,” he looked away from her, his jaw clenching as he stared out towards the horizon. “But I guess not.”

“Adrian...I’m not mad at you for what happened back there. I was...shocked and yes a little frightened for a moment...but not angry. I know that you lost control and that you would give everything to take it back. That you just wanted to protect us. It doesn’t change how I see you.”

“Are you sure of that?” he implored his gaze meeting hers. “You were pretty scared of me just now, in there." He gestured towards the room. "I caused that."

Setting the mug down on the railing, she closed the gap between them. "No, you didn't. I don't know if what happened earlier caused the dream but it was just that...a dream. I know that you would never actually hurt me."

He gave her a dubious expression. "But, you--"

"Adrian, no." She interrupted, let out a sigh. "Believe me, I spent five years with someone who actually did. Almost died because the last time he went a little too far. It's how I got these."

She pulled her hair off of her neck, revealing her two silvery-white scars now clearly visible from the bright lights of the Strip shining on them.

Her words reached him and as he looked at them, his eyes widened in horrified shock. "What? Who?"

"Derek." The name felt like pure poison. "That's why I won't talk about him, I can't. That panic attack after coming out of the nightmare was from me remembering that night. It's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. It had nothing to do with you."

"I had no idea," Adrian told her. "I'm sorry that happened."

She shrugged. "Yeah, me too. And I hate that I'm still not over it, that after all this time he still has a hold on me."

He gave her an incredulous stare. "Of course he does, it's abuse. That's hard to let go of."

"I know," Isabel replied. "But, it hasn't just brought pain. A lot of good things wouldn't have happened if that hadn't." Meeting his gaze, a tiny smile appeared, like the sun shining through a gloomy sky.

His expression began to brighten as well. "Like what?"

"Well, for starters, I wouldn't have met Lily and now we’re practically inseparable," she answered. "And, I wouldn't have had the courage to turn down a job offer at Mannon and risk not being able to find another one. And I definitely wouldn't have applied to be your assistant. I wouldn't know you."

Her smile widened when she saw that he was finally starting to believe her. "You're sure that you're not afraid of me?"

Isabel responded with a kiss that left them both feeling spellbound. "Does that answer your question?" she quipped, her fiery personality poking through again.

His signature grin graced his features. "Maybe, I might need a little more though, just to be sure."

She rolled her eyes but was more than happy to oblige, relishing in the feeling safe in his arms once more.

#playchoices #choices stories you play #choices july challenge #bloodbound #bloodbound 2 #adrian x mc #adrian x isabel #trigger warning: abuse

36 notes · View notes

foreshvdowing · 5 years

Text

LONG rant about ex/praise for current boyfriend

It’s crazy how warped our perception of a situation can be when we’re in the middle of it.

I was in a relationship for 2 years and 3 months with someone that I thought treated me like a queen. Even for a few months after we broke up, I spoke nothing but praise for him & our relationship. That he was a great guy, we just didn’t work out anymore. It wasn’t until I was with my current boyfriend for a few months that I realized how toxic my ex was for me. He wasn’t abusive, and he didn’t constantly cheat or anything like that. He was manipulative and selfish, and only cared about what interested him. Sure, I got to pick what we watched on TV most of the time, but our relationship always catered to him. I was mostly unhappy, and tried to leave multiple times. He’d call me every time, sobbing, telling me how much he loves me and begging me to stay with him. He knew that feeling guilty caused emotional issues for me, and he continued to do this. He would manipulate me into staying with him, even after we had multiple conversations about how that kind of behavior was a trigger for me and my mental health. Any time we had any sort of issue, this was his response. He did it when I’d get upset with him, when I would start an argument with him, whenever he would do/say something shitty. There was never any conversation about the behavior I had an issue with. There was never any concern about how I was feeling. It was just “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, don’t leave me.” Then he’d do whatever it was again, and the cycle would start all over. He’d lie to me, over really tiny things that didn’t matter. My mom told me she wouldn’t drive me to see him anymore unless he got a job at one point, and he would lie to me about filling out job applications. He would constantly do things that he knew upset me, things that we had had conversations about in the past, and when I would bring them up he would blame it on having a bad memory. I tried to encourage him to do things he wanted to do, and to support him in his endeavors. When he wanted to play D&D with a group of people at the college we used to attend, I encouraged him to join the group of people that played on Wednesday nights. I encouraged him to have interests outside of our relationship. Whenever I wanted to do something on campus, he made sure to let me know he wasn’t interested. Over a year into our relationship, I tried to show him my poetry (which is a very important piece of my life, I’d never really shared it with anyone). I was really excited to show him one poem in particular (this poem happened to be on two pages in my notebook, front and back), and he picked up the notebook, skimmed over the first page, handed it back, and said “that’s really good.” When I told him he didn’t read the full poem, he complained about how he “doesn’t get poetry,” and how he basically didn’t care to read any of it. Even though I always listened to him play guitar when he was excited about writing something new. He also never stuck up for me (or himself) with his garbage best friend. The very first time I meet his best friend I was wearing some kind of Nirvana merch, and he immediately asked me to name 5 of my favorite Nirvana songs to prove I was a “real fan.” When I named Smells Like Teen Spirit (it really is one of their best in my opinion), he told me it didn’t count because it was so popular. Later, the three of us are sitting in subway together. His friend starts talking about how he’s dealt with depression and suicidal ideation in the past. I decided to open up about my experience too, I said something along the lines of “yeah, I go through that too.” To which my then-boyfriends best friend looked at me and said, “well that kinda makes you a bad girlfriend, doesn’t it?” And then shut up. We were silent. I went to the bathroom and cried. A little over a year later, psycho best friend threatened to kill the guy I was dating because he shared a video on Facebook thanking Obama for the work he’s done in his presidency. Threatened to drive 5 hours to our college to murder him.

I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for a year and 1 month. I’m still taken aback by the differences. I’m still noticing little things he does differently over a year in. When we have problems, we try to talk about them like rational adults. He never makes me feel guilty for having feelings of my own. He makes sure he reminds me that I’m entitled to my feelings, and when I do start to feel guilty he calms me down and makes me feel better. When he does something that upsets me or makes me uncomfortable, I tell him and he stops. Immediately. We’ll talk about his side of the issue, but if it upsets me he stops. He’s always honest with me, even when he knows what he’s saying isn’t what I want to hear. He has a bad memory too, but he never forgets the things that upset me. He’ll forget someone’s name, or something I’ve told him one time a few months earlier. He encourages me to write, and to do other things I’m interested in. When I suggest we try something new, even if it’s something he normally wouldn’t do, he gets excited to shake things up. Whenever I tell him I’ve written something new, he wants to read it (especially if it’s about him). He has specific poems of mine that are his favorites. He has some that he doesn’t think are as strong as the others, and we have conversations about them. He asks me what they’re about when he doesn’t quite understand them. He can remember some of them, and can talk about a few without even having to read them again. Even though writing isn’t really his thing, he makes me feel like my writing is his thing. I am 100% certain he’s my biggest fan, and my biggest supporter. He encourages me to be productive daily, and to work on my mental health. He encourages me to take my medicine, to go to therapy, and to be kinder to myself. He walks me through deep breathing exercises when I’m having a panic attack, hyperventilating, or sobbing. He reminds me he’s there for me when I’m upset. He calms me down when I’m irrational. He always makes sure that I know I’m incredibly loved, and for the first time in my life, I’m being treated like I am. I’m so so grateful for him and everything he does for me. I’m so thankful that I continue to notice the small differences. All I want to do is give him back everything he’s given to me. 💛🥰

#personal #me #comparisons #life is better #thank u next #love my boyfriend #boyfriend #ex #fuck my ex

5 notes · View notes

sephinova · 6 years

Text

Fandom: Final Fantasy VII

Summary: Lucrecia finally gets to spend some time with her son Sephiroth but at a price; to let Jenova tag along and bake cookies in Lucrecia’s kitchen much to the former scientist’s displeasure. What could possibly go wrong?

Pairing: Vincent/Lucrecia (featured but not the main focus of the story)

Rating: Teen.

Warnings: A weird mix of silly and serious, may cause cookie cravings.

Word Count: 3019

Special Message: Happy Birthday to my best friend @demon-prince (aka @missmhc on her art blog)! It’s okay if you don’t remember, it must have been about five years ago when we were on Skype and you came up with this little roleplay idea of Lucrecia and Jenova baking cookies for Sephiroth and Vincent. I still am very fond of that little rp even though it was cut very short and I always wanted to write or draw something based on it. This fanfic in some parts probably isn’t how you want the story to go, however, I still hope it brings a smile to your face even though it’s badly written. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day filled with love, fun and presents! :D

You can also read this on AO3.

Lucrecia wondered how she got into this situation. Sure, she was happy to be with Vincent and overjoyed to meet her son Sephiroth after all these years but here she was in her kitchen baking cookies with none other that son-stealing monstrosity Jenova. In truth, Lucrecia would never have allowed Jenova into her house and use her kitchen but Sephiroth wanted Jenova with him. Vincent told her it was best to let the alien tag along and tolerate her if she wanted any chance of getting to know her son and possibly form a relationship with him.

Jenova had the 'wonderful' idea of wanting to bake cookies, Lucrecia was about to object until Sephiroth piped up saying how much he loves 'Mother's home-made cookies'. If this was the price to pay for getting to know her son then so be it, but there was no way in hell she was going to let that monster use her kitchen by herself, she was baking cookies too.

The former scientist glared at Jenova as she tipped the small bowl of chocolate chips into the bigger glass bowl of cookie dough, her eyes travelled downward to the alien's magenta apron which had 'Universe's Greatest Mom' written in a white curly font. Spiteful bitch.

Jenova noticed Lucrecia's glare and smirked. ''Keep frowning and your face will freeze like that.'' Jenova remarked.

''You're doing this just to spite me, aren't you!? Lucrecia spat as she aggressively mixed her cookie dough.

''I don't know what you're talking about, I just like baking.'' Jenova said innocently.

''Don't play dumb! You know what I'm talking about! Sephiroth!''

''What about Sephiroth?''

''You're baking cookies for Sephiroth just to hurt me because you lied to him into believing you're his mother!''

''He was injected with my cells when he was a fetus so in a way I am also his mother.'' Jenova informed scooping up spoonfuls of cookie dough placing them on her baking tray.

''That's not the same thing as conceiving and giving birth!''

''Then what about all the women who adopt? Are they lesser mothers because their children didn't come from their bodies?''

''Th-that's...'' Lucrecia stuttered unable to come up with a good comeback. She let out a frustrated sigh of defeat.

Keep calm, don't let her get to you, Lucrecia. This is about Sephiroth, not her. You're going to bake cookies for him like you've always dreamed of since before he was born. Lucrecia mentally reassured herself taking slow deep breaths whilst placing dollops of cookie dough onto her baking tray.

The two mothers went over to the preheated double oven, Jenova opened the door and placed her tray on the middle shelf to the right and Lucrecia placed her's to the left. The former scientist set her egg timer on for ten minutes. - ''The cookies are done!'' Lucrecia announced walking into the living room with Jenova in tow. They placed their plates of cookies on the coffee table, Lucrecia's plate was purple and Jenova's green.

''Thank you, Lucrecia.'' Vincent smiled taking a cookie from the purple plate.

''Thank you, Mother. These look delicious.'' Sephiroth thanked as he took a cookie from the green plate and taking a bite out of it.

''You're welcome, dear. Enjoy.'' Jenova replied, affectionately stroking the back of Sephiroth's head with one of her tentacles.

Lucrecia's heart dropped to hear Sephiroth call that abomination mother and the fact that he didn't even so much as acknowledge her. She saw the empty space on the sofa where her son was sitting, she was about to take a step towards it and as if her mind had been read, Jenova sat down on the vacant seat, one of the alien's tentacles reached to grab a cookie from the green plate. Lucrecia clenched her fists, her tolerance was already wearing thin.

How dare she sit next to my son! Why can't she use her hands like everyone else instead of those filthy things!? Irritated, she sat beside Vincent on the other sofa.

''Hmmmm... you make the best cookies, Mother.'' Sephiroth praised as he brought another cookie to his mouth.

''W-would you like to try one of my cookies? There's plenty to go around.'' Lucrecia offered gesturing to her purple plate.

Sephiroth glared at the woman who gave birth to him as he chewed the crunchy sweet treat and swallowed. ''No.''

''I'm sure you would like them if you ga-''

''I said no.'' The One-Winged Angel declined firmly.

The former scientist bit down on the insides of her cheeks in an attempt to control her emotions from boiling over all the while staring at the alien opposite her. I bet that manipulative bitch has told Sephiroth not to eat my cookies! My poor boy, he seems happy around her but I suspect that he's afraid of disobeying her!

Jenova met Lucrecia's angry stare, she stared back, her expression neutral. Lucrecia averted her chocolate brown eyes to one of the alien's tentacles that hovered over the green plate of cookies, the tip of the long appendage touched one cookie, another one and another.

Lucrecia's eye twitched. Why the heck is she contaminating the food my son is eating!? Who knows where those things have been!? Does she even wash them!? Isn't Sephiroth bothered by this!?

The atmosphere of the living room was thick with tension Vincent found it almost suffocating. He followed his lover's gaze to the tentacle, she was clearly irritated by it and he couldn't deny that he was squicked out by it too. He worried that if Jenova didn't stop all hell would break loose.

''Lucrecia, you haven't had a cookie yet, don't you want one?'' The ex-Turk asked putting his arm around Lucrecia's shoulders in an attempt to distract her, however, she ignored him and continued to stare at the annoying appendage.

Sephiroth's hand reached to take another cookie, one that had been touched by Jenova and took a bite out of it, Lucrecia felt sick. HOW DARE SHE CORRUPT MY BABY INTO EATING TENTACLE CONTAMINATED COOKIES!

Seething with rage, the former scientist began to hyperventilate.

''Lucrecia, calm down. She's not worth it.'' Vincent whispered, gently rubbing his lover's shoulder.

''Stop doing that!'' Lucrecia angrily demanded behind gritted teeth.

Jenova raised an eyebrow, her face the picture of pure innocence. ''Stop doing what?''

''Stop spreading your disgusting germs all over the cookies my son is eating!'' Lucrecia yelled pointing her finger at the alien's tentacle.

''Mother is only deciding what coo-''

''THAT 'THING' IS NOT YOUR MOTHER! I AM!'' Lucrecia screamed standing up pointing to Jenova and then to herself interrupting Sephiroth.

''I wouldn't have been if you hadn't consented to have our son injected with supposed 'Cetra cells'.'' Jenova reminded.

''YOU STOLE MY SON AWAY!''

''Hojo stole him away.''

''IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU AND HOJO I'D STILL HAVE MY SON!'' Lucrecia sobbed running out of the living room and into the kitchen with Vincent following behind her.

The former scientist dropped to her knees and leaned her forehead against one of the kitchen's many cupboards with tears falling from her reddened face. Vincent knelt down beside Lucrecia and embraced her.

''I'm sorry, Lucrecia. This was a big mistake, I should have never convinced you into tolerating Jenova.'' Vincent apologised.

''Please... leave me alone...'' Lucrecia wept covering her face with her hands.

''I can't leave you like this.''

''Leave me alone.''

''Shall I tell them to leave?''

''All I want for you to do is to leave me alone... Please, Vincent.''

Vincent hated seeing the love of his life in distress. He knew how much it meant the world to her to finally spend some time with her son but with Jenova's antics and Sephiroth's cold behaviour, he wondered if all this was really worth it, it would just cause her more pain in the long run.

Respecting her wishes, the ex-Turk reluctantly rose to his feet, he walked over to the kitchen door and looked back at Lucrecia, a sad sigh escaped him as he left the room.

After several minutes of crying, Lucrecia wiped her face with her hands and stood up. She looked around the kitchen, her eyes locking onto the glass bowls that held Jenova's prepared ingredients for the next batch of cookies. Still very much angry, she yanked open her pantry door and grabbed the container of salt. She rushed over to the ingredients, opened the salt container and-

''What do you think you are doing?''

Lucrecia froze, regret immediately struck her the second she heard that all too familiar silky voice. She slowly turned around to see Jenova looming over her.

Jenova tutted shaking her head. ''I wonder what Sephiroth would think of you sabotaging my ingredients? I can't imagine he would be too happy.''

''I wasn't thinking, please don't tell him!'' Lucrecia pleaded.

''Forever destroying your chances of getting to know our dear son, you truly do make the worst decisions that ruin your life as well as the lives of others.''

''Don't tell him! Please! I'll do anything!''

Jenova's pink eyes lit up with intrigue. ''Anything?''

''Yes! Anything!''

''Hmmmmm... Well...''

Jenova moved closer towards the desperate woman. Lucrecia backed away until her back came up against the kitchen worktop, her heart raced anxiously anticipating what the monster had in store for her.

''Is everything all right, Mother?''

The two mothers turned to see Sephiroth who stood at the kitchen's entrance.

''Is she causing you trouble?''

Jenova looked back at Lucrecia, her lips turned up into a devilish grin.

Oh no! She's going to tell him! This's all my fault! Why do I keep making all these stupid mistakes!? Ashamed, the former scientist wished for the ground to crumble beneath her feet and swallow her up, there was no way Sephiroth would let something like this slide.

''We were just debating about what the best chocolate chips to use for baking cookies are. I think Mrs. Moggy's brand makes the best chocolate chips, especially their white chocolate is sweet and creamy...'' Jenova lied.

Lucrecia gawked in disbelief at what she was hearing. Wh-what!? Am I hearing that right!? Jenova's lying about my sabotage attempt!? But why would she do that!?

''...You know how sometimes debates get a little heated. Isn't that right, Lucrecia?''

''Y-ye-yes! I-I think that N-Nibelheim's traditional milk chocolate is the b-best for cookies, it's rich flavour c-combined with cookie dough is very delicious, it's so much better than Mrs. Moggy's!'' The former scientist blurted out her lie hoping she sounded convincing enough.

''I... see. I came in here for a glass of water.''

''The g-glasses are in that cupboard, we o-only have water from the faucet but help yourself to as much as you want!'' Lucrecia said smiling at her son pointing to a cupboard.

The One-Winged Angel strolled over to the cupboard, took a glass, filled it with cold water and left the kitchen without saying a word.

Still in shock, Lucrecia gaped at the alien who was now putting her apron back on. Jenova noticed Lucrecia's gaze, cupped her cheeks with her hands and giggled.

''Oh my, you staring at me like that is going to make me blush. I didn't know you felt that way about me, Dr. Crescent... Poor Vincent.'' The alien teased.

''Ewww! In your dreams!'' The former scientist snapped out of her shock huffing in disgust. She stormed out of the kitchen into the hallway slamming the door, she could still hear Jenova's laughter from behind the door.

Whatever Jenova's reasoning was for lying Lucrecia was relieved, though for all she knew that monstrosity could still tell Sephiroth the truth at any time and as much as she hated leaving Jenova on her own in the kitchen Lucrecia needed a break from her and entered the living room.

''I heard the door slam, are you all right, Lucrecia?'' Vincent asked with concern in his voice.

''I-I'm fine, she was annoying me.'' Lucrecia reassured.

Lucrecia looked at her son who was standing at the window with his back turned. Her gaze fell on the coffee table, there were three cookies remaining on the green plate and six on the purple plate. Now that monster is out of the room I wonder if Sephiroth will eat one of my cookies?

''Ummm... Se-Sephiroth?''

The One-Winged Angel remained unmoving.

''W-would you like to try one of my cookies?''

''I have already told you my answer.'' Sephiroth replied coldly.

Hurt, the former scientist lowered her head, tears welling up in her eyes. I guess he genuinely doesn't want to try my cookies... I can't blame him...

''I understand... I'm sorry for asking again...... There's something I need to attend to, I'll be right back.'' Lucrecia spoke in almost a whisper. She left the living room closing the door behind her, her footfalls could be heard running up the stairs.

Vincent knew his lover was crying again, he wanted nothing more than to go up and comfort her, however, with Jenova out of the way he felt he could no longer hold back his tongue.

''Sephiroth, I understand you feel betrayed and you can't forgive Lucrecia but she baked those cookies with you in mind.''

''And she thinks that baking treats for me will make everything better?'' Sephiroth retorted glaring at Vincent.

''No, she doesn't. She knows that no matter what she does or how many times she apologises it will never make it up for what she did to you and all the years she has been absent from your life. There's not a day that goes by that she isn't filled with regrets of the past, she loves you more than you could ever realise...''

Sephiroth sipped his glass of water listening to the ex-Turk.

''...I can't force you but It would bring her so much joy if you eat at least one of her cookies.''

''Why should I care about her happiness?''

''If you won't do it for her, then do it for yourself because you're feeling hungry. Think of it that way if anything.''

Sephiroth sat back down on the sofa, his arms crossed and his eyes focusing on the purple plate of cookies. Vincent could only hope that the One-Winged Angel was taking what he said into consideration.

Many minutes passed and Lucrecia returned back to the living room. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying but she forced a smile for her son and Vincent.

''I'm sorry, I was gone a little longer than I wanted.'' Lucrecia apologised sitting next to Vincent.

''There's no need to apologise.'' Vincent smiled warmly at his lover taking her hand in his.

Suddenly, Sephiroth extended his arm taking a cookie from the purple plate. Lucrecia's eyes widened at the unexpected surprise watching her son take a bite out of it.

''H-how is it? Do you like it?'' Lucrecia asked eager for his answer.

Sephiroth swallowed. ''It's acceptable.''

Unable to contain her happiness Lucrecia beamed. ''I'm glad you think so!''

SMASH!

Panic filled Lucrecia as she jumped out of her seat and hurried to the source of the loud noise coming from the kitchen. She opened the door and gasped, shattered glass was scattered all over the black tiled floor.

''YOU BROKE MY GLASS MIXING BOWLS!'' Lucrecia screeched at Jenova.

''They slipped out of my tentacle by accident when I was about to put them in the sink.'' Jenova explained wrapping her freshly baked cookies in clingfilm.

''WHY CAN'T YOU USE YOUR HANDS LIKE HUMANS DO!?''

''I'm not a human.''

''Don't worry, Lucrecia, we can always buy new mixing bowls.'' Vincent reassured.

''WE'RE NOT BUYING NEW MIXING BOWLS, SHE IS!''

''They're just bowls, I don't understand why you're getting so upset about something so insignificant.''

''THEY COST MONEY!''

''Money I don't have.''

''AND YOU'RE GOING TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS!'' Lucrecia rushed out into the hallway to the tiny storage room.

''Not my house, not my problem. Sephiroth! We're leaving!'' Jenova called out to her son taking her clingfilm wrapped cookies, barging passed Vincent nearly pushing him over and exited out the front door.

''COME BACK HERE!'' Lucrecia chased after the alien outside with a dustpan and broom in her hands.

Before the former scientist could catch up to her, Jenova spread her wings and ascended into the sky.

Lucrecia stopped her pursuit when she saw Sephiroth fly past above her. ''It was nice meeting you, Sephiroth! I hope to see you again! Take care!''

The One-Winged Angel glanced back at his birth mother, following Jenova into the distance.

Lucrecia watched as her son fly away until he no longer could be seen, she let out a tired sigh and headed back into her home.

''You look exhausted. You should get some rest.'' Vincent welcomed his lover back indoors closing the door behind her.

''The kitchen floor isn't going to tidy itself.''

''I'll tidy the kitchen.''

''Are you sure?''

The ex-Turk nodded. ''And when I'm finished I'll make you a cup of tea.''

''Thank you, darling, you're too good to me.'' Lucrecia handed the dustpan and broom to him and turned the doorknob to the living room.

''Lucrecia, I'm very sorry that today didn't turn out so well.''

''It's not you're fault, I should have known this was going to be the outcome.''

''But I-''

''It's alright, I don't blame you... you were only trying to help.''

As soon as Lucrecia entered the living room she closed her eyes and collapsed on the comfortable sofa her head landing on a plump cushion. Today had been far too stressful, Jenova certainly knew how to push her buttons or maybe the fact that she detested the alien so much heightened her emotions. Sephiroth probably hates me even more now that I kept screaming at Jenova... he'll never want to see me again... but I'm so pleased I got to finally meet him, my son has grown into a strong young man...

She opened her eyes, something on the coffee table caught her attention. She sat up, on closer inspection, her eyes brightened with delight and beamed at the sight before her, all of the cookies on the purple plate were gone.

Now I leave you with the mental image of Sephiroth stuffing his face cookies, you’re welcome! lol XD

#lucrecia crescent #jenova #Sephiroth #vincent valentine #vincrecia #vincent/lucrecia #Final Fantasy #final fantasy vii #Final Fantasy 7 #ff #FFVII #ff7 #fanfiction #fanfic #my fanfiction #my fanfic

13 notes · View notes

beauty-grace-outer-space · 6 years

Text

Pardon my rant post, but I need to vent. Some triggery stuff under the cut.

For context, my grandmother is bipolar. I believe she also has narcissistic personality disorder. I think my father may also have narcissistic personality disorder.

Nearly 3 years ago now, my grandmother and I were talking when she told me she was having trouble affording her anti-depressants. I offered to pay for them, and to schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist to get her dosage confirmed and her prescription renewed. I told her I’d take care of everything.

A few days later, when I called to tell her I had an appointment scheduled for her, she told me not to bother and that she’d decided to kill herself months prior and had actually been storing up her pills to do so. She told me my grandfather knew, and they were making arrangements for him to go on without her. She kept me on the phone for over an hour, in hysterics and hyperventilating, begging her not to die.

I got my mom and my aunt involved (since I was pretty young and had no idea what to do) and we were able to get her to meet us at a nearby place; we had paramedics waiting to evaluate her.

Despite 4 nurses and 2 doctors saying she was a danger to herself and should be kept for a mandatory 72 hour hold, she was released less than 5 hours later by a county representative.

Thus began months of emotional and verbal abuse. She told me she hoped no one would ever love me, because I don’t deserve it. She told me that “the way I am” must be “the result of my warped upbringing” and that she hoped my friends “saw who I really was”. Etc. etc.

In the midst of this, I found out that when she had called me and told me she was going to commit suicide, she was already back on her pills. I can only assume she wanted an emotional response, but never thought I’d actually try to get help involved.

Four months later, she decided we were going to pretend it never happened. She went back to being a loving, cheerful grandmother-- though still making snide comments here and there.

But our relationship has changed forever. I don’t trust her, and I see when she’s being manipulative. She decides who to call-- of me and my cousins-- based on who’s most likely to give her the reaction she wants.

Two months ago she had a series of small heart attacks. Upon her release from the hospital, she and my grandfather temporarily moved into my aunt’s house while my family and I set to work trying to clean and declutter her home. She’s an extreme hoarder, so this has been quite the task.

This weekend was the last weekend of cleaning. She and my grandfather came and sat with neighbors while we worked 11 hours a day cleaning, and I overheard her making comments.

“I don’t have a single person I’d call family.”

“No one cares about me.”

“I guess we’ll just go to a shelter.”

“My ‘family’ never does anything for me.”

Things like that. For two days.

I was already worn thin from the cleaning, the fact that in taking care of things for her I haven’t seen a single friend in over 3 months, the fact that I haven’t had a weekend, or a bit of free time in 3 months. And then I hear her being manipulative, lying about us, about me...

That’s how Saturday and Sunday went. Then comes Monday.

My father has always had problematic tendencies. When he was younger (20s and 30s) he punched holes in the walls when he was mad. When his father died when I was 4, he disappeared without a word to my mother for a week. When he gets mad he throws things, he kicks things... just... a whole host of things that I have only realized with a lot of therapy are not ok.

For the past several years, he picks fights with me over political differences. I have begged him repeatedly not to bring up these topics because we don’t agree and no matter what I do, he ends up yelling at me how stupid I am.

If i walk away or stay silent, I’m too stupid to form an opinion.

If I try to have a calm discussion, he pushes until I’m no longer calm, and then tells me that I don’t have opinions, I have emotions, and this is why no one can have a conversation with me.

If I tell him I don’t want to talk about it, he continues to do so anyway.

He’ll push me to the point of tears, yelling at me that I’m stupid or uninformed, but if someone else enters the room, he switches topics mid sentence. All cheer.

It hit a point where my mom had to light into him to get him to back off by saying, “You have to stop treating my kid like this.”

He realized he was being an asshole, and actually apologized, and things... calmed down for a while. The only conversations we’ve really had are, “You should find a nice Christian boy and get married”. Which... yeah right.

Monday night, he picked a fight with me at a restaurant, yelled at me all the way home about how I don’t listen and only hear what I want to hear, and then once we got home, acted like nothing was wrong. All smiles and cheer in front of my mom.

I went to my room in tears, and he followed me and knocked on my door. I ignored him. He knocked again. I ignored him. He came in anyway and proceeded to tell me that I’m emotional and misinformed and if I would just listen to him, we’d agree.

I told him we don’t agree and I do listen, but I’m not going to agree because of the things he was saying.

He asked for examples and I gave him some from the “conversation” we had just had.

His response was: “I don’t know where you make this crap up in your delusional little head. I NEVER said that, I’ve never said anything like that!”

And it pushed me over the edge so I just sat on my bed staring at my comforter and sobbing, “I don’t want to talk about it. Please just leave me alone.”

He finally huffed out, “FINE!” and left my room.

My therapist phrased it well when she said it was a “torrent of emotional assault”.

I’m exhausted, and that’s why I’ve been sad/vague posting. I’m so worn out. I’m so tired. I just want to cry for three days.

I don’t know what I was hoping to achieve with this post. I just... needed to rant.

#it speaks #personal #delete later #not trek #abuse tw?#idk #emotional abuse #verbal abuse #sigh #i'm so f-ing tired ya'll #i need a hug

14 notes · View notes

fluffy-ships · 6 years

Text

A darker shade of green pt. 2

"Where is she?"

"For the last time, I don't know", Matt answers for what seems to be the thirteenth time he has had to repeat himself to Keith, who has been asking one hundred and one questions on his teammate's whereabouts. Though Matt is thoroughly annoyed with Keith's tedious questions, he can't blame him and can understand why the paladin is furious and worried. Keith was the paladin who found Matt in his gruesome state with a bloody weapon and bloody clothing. Keith was the paladin who saw the wide hallway littered with galra bodies surrounding their murderer. Keith was the paladin who went onto the enemy's ship just to find that the one he sought for was missing.

When he discovered the massacre in front of him and didn't see Pidge nearby, Keith figured the worst. Immediately, he activated his bayard sword and launched himself towards Matt with an intent that was based off of pure instinct. Matt froze in confusion before realizing that the red paladin's main strategy was "kill first, questions later"; he then snapped out of it to defend himself.

The battle between the two boys (which consisted of Keith trying to murder Matt while Matt tried his absolute hardest not to die) would have escalated dangerously if it weren't for Shiro and Hunk entering the scene at the right moment. It took Hunk's huge arms and Shiro's calming voice to stop the fight.

Shiro-- being the most emotionally stable-- decided to search the galra halls for the missing green paladin. Though he covered a lot of ground he was still unable to find Pidge. Not her bayard. Not even her helmet. He assumed that she was taken by the enemies and that she was still in full armor. "I guess we'll just have to track her", he concluded, feeling somewhat guilty for not entering the ship with her.

After Shiro's sweep of the ship, the four boys headed back to the altean castle where Allura, Lance, and Coran waited. Hoping for good news but later found out that the exact opposite was true.

Hours and hours later, the alteans and the rest of the paladins sat Matt down for questioning.

"Well, do you have an IDEA of where she is", Keith continues, snapping Matt out of his bored trance.

Matt looks out the grand windows of the castle's control room. The constellations do not tell him what time it is, but his body says it's past midnight. He sighs and looks up at Keith and the rest of the crew, but says nothing.

Receiving no answer from Matt, Keith gets ready to hit him with another question (or with his fist) when Coran puts a hand on his shoulder. The fiery paladin gives him a stern look, but Coran gives a charming reassuring look in return.

"That will be enough, red. As Lance always says, 'we all need our beauty rest'," Coran chirps with a smile.

Keith softens, but is still willing to make an argument, "But what about Pidge! She could be anywhere! Aren't you worried about her!"

"Of course I am", Coran puts both hands on the smaller boy's shoulders, "and we all know she's smart cookie and can manage herself for a while. PLUS, me and Allura and Shiro almost never sleep, so we'll be searching for her while the rest of you rest. Does that make feel any better, Keith?"

"Yeah, I guess", Keith relents, still quite tense. Slowly he backs away from the rest of the group to take Coran's advice, but not before giving Matt one final warning glance. Lance follows after Keith with a yawn and a nod to the crew while Hunk fetches Pidge's computer, most likely to do some hunting himself.

When the younger paladins were in their respective rooms, Shiro steps in front of Matt.

"Matt...", he begins but is quickly cut off.

"Look Shiro", Matt pleads. "I know I seem all nonchalant about this, but I promise you I'm just as worried as you guys are. I mean, it's my baby sister for fucks sake-"

Shiro puts a hand up to stop him. "I get it. No need to explain yourself." He kneels beside where Matt is sitting and gives him a soft smile, "As Coran just explained to Keith, we'll be up for a while trying to find Pidge."

Matt sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "I know its just- like... I didn't see another galra ship close enough to our area to even attempt kidnapping Pidge. And half of the fleet retreated when they saw that they had no chance against the lions and-", Matt stares off into nothing, tears swelling in his eyes.

Shiro nods, understanding. "I get it. It doesn't make sense to me either."

There is a long pause.

"The galra are known for their tricks", this time Allura speaks, turning away from whatever altean gadget she was toying with. "They can easily manipulate their enemies by torturing them or blind sidding them or mind controlling or-". Allura pauses abruptly and goes stiff. She slowly looks up at Matt as if he is some new horrifying species that she discovered.

Matt returns the same look. "Or what, Allura?"

The Princess glances at her royal advisor, who also shares a horrified look. She swallows, "Or by luring."

Matt jumps out of his seat and immediately starts to pace the room, realizing what she's indicating. He can feel his heart trying to escape his ribcage and his lungs are short of oxygen. Trembling fingers begins to pull at his hair as he tries to keep himself from hyperventilating. Repeatedly, he quietly mumbles "no no no no no, dear God please no" as if it could reverse time. As if it could erase he had done.

Matt was bait.

Matt was bait for his little sister to take, and they knew she would fall for it.

Now they have her. Goodness knows what they're doing to her.

And it was his fault.

"Matt, hey, Matt?", a soothing voice invades his thoughts along with a cool hand pressed against the back of his neck. "Matt, it's going to be okay."

Matt shakes his head and pushes Shiro away, focusing on Allura. He runs another hand through his hair, licks his chapped lips and speaks in between breaths, "So you're telling me that I ...that I put this on Pidge? I-I'm the one that put her...in this situation...I-". Matt's insides fill with a guilty rage. He turns away from teary-eyed Allura and puts a hand over his mouth.

"I'm not implying that you are at fault", Allura tries but Matt still seems unconvinced. "You could not have known what the galra were planning, you were tricked-"

"I was stupid."

"You had no idea-"

"But I could have known! If I hadn't gotten caught, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Matt is practically yelling, more at himself than at Allura. "Even after that, I still don't remember a damn thing that happened! Not only did I put Pidge in danger, but I put everybody on this ship at risk! " He resumes his pacing and mumbling, showing obvious signs of not wanting any form of affection. Still, Shiro decides to quietly walk towards him and pull him into a hug; one so passionate that it would hard for Matt to get out of. The smaller boy sinks into the larger one's arms and chest, letting out soft sobs and apologies.

"It's fine", Shiro soothes and rubs the back of Matt's head. "It's going to be fine, we'll find her soon."

"But how?" Matt murmurs, barely audible.

Shiro sighs. "I'm assuming Pidge still has on her paladin armor since I didn't find it on the ship. Inside of her suit is a tracking device just in case a paladin gets lost, we'll locate her from there."

Matt nods at the reassurance, but then stops short, remembering a vital item to the team. "What about her lion?"

Matt can feel Shiro's breath hitch. "Did- did the galra not take Green?"

Matt suddenly removes himself from Shiro's embrace, excitement in his eyes. "The cloaking device! The one she put on her lion!" He turns to Allura and Coran, who seems to be following his train of thought. Coran starts to focus on some sort of contraption that zooms in on the darkness outside of the ship, the same ship Matt was captured on comes to view on the wide screen above. The advisor confirms that it's safe to retrieve the lion.

"But there is a problem", he points out. "The lion only allows her assigned paladin inside, and we can't just simply lure her to the castle with treats. This mission will be difficult."

"Or maybe not, Coran", Allura states, eyeing Matt curiously. "The lion is able to temporarily allow another worthy of occupying her space, but only if they fit the part." Allura takes a step closer, Matt can already see where this is going. "Matthew..."

"No", Matt retorts before Allura can finish her request.

"It only be until we find Pidge", Coran pitches in.

"I can't do it! Its like betrayal!" Matt thinks they are asking the unthinkable, the undoable (not a word, apparently, but okay).

"Matthew, please", the black paladin faces Matt with a face of both iron and tenderness. "You must pilot the green lion."

He knew what was coming, but hearing it out loud makes his eyes water. The boy drops to his knees, wishing this nightmare would end.

(There will be a part three [for those who care]. Sorry it took so long, I'm a procrastinator. I also apologize if this may seem boring, I'm honestly pulling straws right now, but please enjoy this...its my first time [that's what she said])(Anyway if you have any suggestions for another fic [voltron related or not], don't be afraid to tell me) ( thank you to my two followers lol)

#pidge angst #vld pidge #pidge holt #pidge gunderson #pidge #voltron pidge #matt holt #voltron matt #voltron angst #voltron #allura #shiro #coran #katie holt #keith #lance #hunk

16 notes · View notes

thesonofgaytan · 6 years

Text

I was inspired by @camrenbicondova to talk about my experiences with my ex-girlfriend. I am doing this because a lot of people forget that women can abuse as well as men, especially in the LGBT community. I often felt that if a man had been behaving the same way, it would’ve been taken much more seriously.

Trigger warnings for emotional manipulation and abuse. Sorry for the long post.

The truth is - I started dating her because she was the only person I knew personally who had ever shown me romantic affection. I ate it up, what can I say? I was naive, and lonely as fuck. She was pretty. I told her that she had a nice smile, she told me that I was hot. I’d never been called that before, and I loved it.

The first red flag came a few weeks after we went on our first date. I hadn’t felt that we had particularly connected, but we’d had a nice enough time. We were texting one day, and she referred to me as her girlfriend. We hadn’t had a mutual discussion about it, and I hadn’t realised that by agreeing to go on one date I was agreeing to a relationship. It made me very uncomfortable, but she just seemed so happy about it. Now that I think back on it, it felt a lot like she had her hands on my back. Shoving me and pushing me with all her might towards a precipice and smiling all the while to act like she didn’t know exactly what she was doing.

Sorry. I’m still working through my anger over this whole situation.

We got on well. But as the relationship continued, I felt less and less secure. I hid it by parading it around. Look at me! I’m in a relationship! I’m so happy! The trouble is; hollow smiles look a lot like real ones if you’ve had enough practice.

Then the problems started. We had an argument because I went to the cinema with my friends and didn’t invite her. It wasn’t a deliberate omission, I explained, I just hadn’t seen them in a while. She didn’t talk to me for two hours. She was quick to criticise my friends and make a point to tell me just how much she loved the relationship that I had never agreed to.

The final push for me came just before I broke up with her. Having been bullied through my childhood, I wasn’t willing to stay once I knew exactly what was going on; I wanted to buy her a gift for Christmas. She said she didn’t want anything - but I knew that if I didn’t buy her anything then she would be upset. So I pressed. It escalated. She left the conversation so that she ‘wouldn’t say something she’d regret’. She talked to me again only the following morning, and then she was still very cold. I began apologising, and then I stopped because...

What, exactly, had I done wrong?

Offered to buy her a present?

Perhaps she’d been upset that I’d had to ask what she wanted, but how was that justification for her behaviour? Right then, I knew in my gut that if I stayed, things would only get worse.

Then the break-up happened. I told her that I just wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship. I hope that she’d respect my decision.

I think that night goes down as one of the worst of my life. I wish I could forget about what happened, what was said. But I can’t. It sticks to me and visits me when I’m alone at night, lying in bed awake at three am and staring into the darkness. Her words had me curled up on my bedroom floor; shaking, sobbing, hyperventilating. Wanting to throw up. Feeling like my heart had been torn, and I thought it was heartbreak. No. I just was just afraid. One moment she professed her undying love for me, the next she was saying that I was only doing this because I thought she was crazy. I said some stuff that I regret, but I said it because I was terrified. I knew that I would have to face her at college, and that single thought made me feel...I can’t explain how it made me feel. Faint? Sick? Hunted?

I wanted to remain friends because of my crushing guilt. At first she was reluctant, and then she relented. I realise now that it was because she thought she had a chance at winning me back. And try she did. One day, it would be as before. We’d joke. We’d get along. The next, it would be a storm of emotion - bombardments that left my entire body trembling. It went on for three months. Finally, I got the strength to say ‘no more’. I blocked her and deleted her from my contacts. We didn’t talk, didn’t make eye contact. Being in the same room as her was enough to make me feel like a rabbit in a circle of wolves.

I’m not the ‘type’ that people like to imagine being abused. The truth is that there is no type, and I had trouble seeing that. I didn’t want to admit that I had ‘let’ myself be abused again.

Then I realised that it was nothing to do with me. I had done nothing to deserve that. Nothing. No one deserves something like that. I have to tell myself that now. But she made me feel like I had when I was ten years old. Small, scared, alone and surrounded by kids who didn’t care about my existence. That feeling haunts me even today. My relationship with my best friend - who I love as if he were my little brother - suffered because I felt that I was safer, better, alone because I couldn’t trust anyone. Truth be told, I don’t think I can forgive her, but I’m closer every day to not being angry about it. That’s enough for me.

But I was wrong to think I couldn’t trust anyone. There are people who love me. People who can help.

And it’s the same for you. If you’re in the same kind of situation that I was in, please know that you don’t have to cut yourself off to be safe and loved. Go out with your friends, talk to a trusted adult. Isolating yourself may feel better in the short term, but in the long run it’s so much worse for your mental health and self love. Don’t rush your healing process, take it at your own pace. Just get away from your abuser the moment that you feel strong enough and try not to look back. I know, I know. It’s harder than just doing it. But it’s a good goal to keep in mind.

Why am I saying this? Why did I tell my story? Partially to get it off my chest, as part of my own healing process. But also to let anyone who might be in the same situation that they are NOT ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’. Your suspicions and that ‘off’ feeling that you can’t put your finger on? They’re right and they are valid. Trust yourself and your instincts.

Hopefully this reaches someone who needs it.

#tw emotional abuse #emotional abuse #tw emotional manipulation #emotional manipulation #lgbt #ex girlfriend #experiences #personal #me #mine

1 note · View note