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ajokeformur-ray · 3 years

Text

I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.

You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. There’s no self shipping in this, I don’t think.

word count: 2, 575.

I’M SOBBING and I’ve only just pressed play.

Heart squeeze Chest much ow

THERE HE IS

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Nooooo baby omg don’t pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Don’t pretend.

Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll 😍😍😍😍😍

I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival

Someone help him, I????

That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk

MY EYES BE LEAKIN💔💔💔💔💔

bb nooooo

Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? You’re safe with me.

Breathe, my love. Don’t fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go.

Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss

“have you been keeping up with your journal?” LIKE HE HAS TIME

oHHHHH boi’s close to losing his shit

Do it, Artie. Give ‘em hell.

“I think I did” YOU TELL HER!!💖💖💖

I want to be his cigarette. Where’s Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half price😂😂😂😂

I’d have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear

“I just don’t wanna feel so bad anymore” yep SAME

ohhhh peekaboo🥺🥺🥺

this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time it’s on

he’s so good with kids; he doesn’t have to try and think about what’s funny, he just does it, he’s himself and it works

FUCK OFF LADY CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S STRUGGLING????

give

him

back

his

card

casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao

ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom

i can feel his exhaustion

me too, my love

step step step step

god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham

and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket

“eat. you need to eat” LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? I’m losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho

SUPAH RATS

Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????

HIS VOICE IS SO SOFT IM CRY??🥺🥺🥺🥺

“I WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTER”

YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!

go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick so🙃🙃🙃

“THE GUYS THINNK YOU’RE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOU”

HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO

FUCK OFF

😡😡😡😡

“WHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGN”//”WHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?” HOYT YOU’RE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE

Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????🥵🥵👀

those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.🥺🥺🥺

pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry

foreshadowingggggg ~ *JAZZ HANDS*

ugh the way he dances with that gun im👀🥵🥵🥵

he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk

clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED 🥺🥺🥺🥺

okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand this “senior who needs to graduate” skit i’m??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???

but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthur’s hilarious

true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao we’re dark asf)

THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???🥺🥺🥺

wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with a

blanket around our bodies🥺🥺🥺🥺

when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW it’s a daydream

THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.

WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???

23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THAT🙄

WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY

WOOPS WRONG LYRICS

😂

“doctor of laughter”🥺🥺🥺��

doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? 😉😏

NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE

in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair being “nice”???

lmao fuck these guys

ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.

my heart’s breaking for you, you sweet thing🥺🥺🥺

i love you so so so so so so so much ugh you’re an actual fucking angel

just breathe darling

i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore

ohhhh baby im so sorry

i’d take every single punch if i could

i’d die for you

i wish i could protect you

i wish i could look after you

and take all those hits

and kill those guys for you

im so sorry

sobbingggg

YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU

KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT

yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh

carnival comin’ to kill your insecurities

8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm

DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE

AND THE WIG

RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN

GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO

RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE

THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IM👀

OOOOOH JOKER’S WAKIN’ UUUUUUP

fuck he’s so hypnotic

the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghj🥵

must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his face

must kiss

he moves like water

fuck hes so fluid

bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time

im WANT

T POSEEEEEEEE

“i still owe you for that, dont i?”

PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING E V E R

D O N T S M I LE

UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i don’t fucking want to so BIG mood

PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???

but also dont lmao bc i’ll think you’re mad at me and i’ll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao i’m sensitive✨✨✨

i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees

“thats not funny”

fuck off penny yes it is

I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE IM???

“but i do” god the P O W E R

ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can choke “women look at sex like buying a car” 🤢🤮🤢🤢🤮

chauvinistic pigs can die thanks

his lil trip upstage im cry🥺🥺🥺

ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. it’s okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe.

he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exact same way and it makes me feel closer to him

how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????

people only see what they wanna

the Penny imitation is👌👌👌

s m i l e

i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much love and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~

smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up

danger sign = neither works

he looks so soft after his “date”🥺🥺🥺

“thats life” yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????

ngl arthur’s anger scares me.

anyone so much as raise their voice at me and i’ll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifies me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf out😲

angry bb😭

he controls his anger so fast though omgggg ~

that soft please sends me

idk where it sends me lmao

down below probably

BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE

I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???

okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him is🥺🥺🥺

hes such a good clown im?????

lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk

arthur’s lil chuckle makes me🥺

his HUMMING im??? soft?????

his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ he’s so beautiful

OKAY i’ll be honest i’ve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i still dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthur’s parentage im????

ive seen interpretations to say he is thomas’ son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess 🙃

“a clown thing?” the s a s s

“it’s exit only” yeah so’s my ass🙃

if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play

murray’s cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g

lmao hes an asshole

arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ 🥺🥺🥺

did i say murray???

i meant m u r r a t

🙃🙃🙃

sneaky baby

wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet

🤔🤔🤔🤔

he looks so good in red omggg ~

f o r e s h a d o w i n g

arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!

hes so cuuuuuute🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😍😍😍🥰🥰🥰

“told me what”

ohhhh honey🥺🥺 im so sorry. “crazy” is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas

“touch my son again ill fucking kill you” yeah?? touch my arthur again and i’ll fucking kill you🙃🙃🙃🙃

^^^ that ones a joke do not come at me

the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.

none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and i’d even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too...

his sock puppet thingy “they cut all those” is such a Joker thing to doooo ~

the way arthur’s laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thing😭

i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way

sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. i’d do it in a heartbeat.

i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listen to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.

“i had a bad day”

IT’S OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOU🥺💔

THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -

💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i just wanna hold you and protect you and help you and love you

I’m so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you

“i havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking life”

NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????

get

that

fucking

gun

away

from

your

face

boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, i’ll point the gun at me and see how you like it

im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....👀👀👀

“coming” 😏😏😏

“my mum died im celebrating” and “i stopped taking my medication” and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are 🚨🚨🚨 signs

woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo

randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive

get WRECKED

i wanna lick the blood off his face. i really want to

ngl i think i have a blood kink...

“dont look just go” ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR 😂😂😂😂

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKER

ASDFGHJKL

ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR

😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????😭🥺😭🥺😭🥺

my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much

sweet thing’s so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CAR AND KEEPS GOING????

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr

*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*

ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honey😭 i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away

“i love dr sally”

you have a WIFE at home

“DO YOU REMEMBER?” THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT

he’s so CUTE

omgggg ~

my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS

YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING

“i wanna get it right” hes so passionate

my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao

jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS

im sobbing

ugh fuck this hurts so BAD

youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much

“THEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVES” LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS

literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one saw you

ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better

you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what

IN THE WHITE ROOM

“hi” baby they cant hear you but im COOING 🥺🥺🥺🥺

you’re so fucking cute

say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking ground for you

i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and and😭😭😭😭😭😭 i love you so so so much.

i’d be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has never dimmed or faded. it never will.

b l o o d s m i l e

im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts

angel💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

i see you and your pain. i love you.

i see you, angel.

his genuine laughter is🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

that cute lil “ksksks” he does im🥺🥺🥺

i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy

t h a t ‘s l i f e

i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~

them hips dont lie😉😉😉

i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sun’s like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~

i l o v e y o u

#erileck #<- ref tag #arthur fleck #joker 2019 #erika talks

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barbarawilson-moved · 4 years

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i’ve got. a LOT of thoughts to collect as i attempt to sort out my rhato notes in preparation for forming a coherent paper out of them so. i figured i’d dump some of my thoughts regarding some shit here while i attempt to develop them. please don’t read if you can’t be nice.

first off: sc*tt l*bd*ll has a messy fuckin history with women in the comics industry and this isn’t even meant as a condemnation of him as a person but rather as an overarching reminder that any woman he writes is going to be forced through his own personal sexist lens. this is blatant in the 2011 run of rhato where his attempt to make kori a strong character falls so atrociously flat it like sinks a few layers into the ground. i am not addressing whether or not his mistreatment of women is intentional; for the purposes of this research i literally do not care. what matters is if you do not know how to respect women you cannot respectfully write them.

compare lobdell’s run on rhato in 2011 with james tynion’s follow up. tynion, a now out bisexual man who has a history of promoting representation of marginalized people both as characters and creators in comics, immediately challenges the indisputably horrific narrative role kori began the series forced into. im chucking one of my favourite moments in all of the first run of rhato in here bc theres no way its going to end up being relevant.

[image 1: rando: “what are you messing around with this dude for?” kori: “because it amuses me to do so.” rando: “i have a yacht the size of a cruise ship sitting right out in the bay. staff of a hundred and fifty. just for me.” kori: “is that so?” rando: “let me tell you what i would do with you on that ship, babydoll--” jason, to roy: “what’s going on?” roy: “that charming gentleman is telling kori what he would like to do with her.” jason: “oh, hell.” rando: “why don’t we go...” image 2: kori beating the actual shit out of the rando.]

anyways moving on. kori is interesting bc she’s pretty clearly Not involved with jason (there’s this whole weird subtext thing that i still haven’t figured out where it’s kind of implied jason lied to roy about even having slept with kori?), but when it comes to rebirth artemis fills kori’s role as sexy lady powerhouse and DOES get pushed as a romantic interest for jason. which. god do i have opinions on that but my paper has a Whole Different lense thing going on where im also considering rhato as a loose adaptation of robin hood and the weird thing there is that the robin hood stand in changes w/ requiem for an archer?? so that’s wack.

the two characters whose roles i’m like. actively struggling to comprehend are suzie su, isabel, and essence. suzie su’s intro was uh. i would argue bad? im not even gonna throw the image in here because Word Of God at the time did declare her trans which makes the art. uh. let’s go with “problematic.” except with the rebirth series she becomes an ally and also as of rhato 43 isn’t just explicitly canonically trans but also functionally immortal because of it which unfortunately is simply super sexy of her. (note: word of god says jason todd respects pronouns and i might not respect scott lobdell but i have to respect that.) something weird with this though is that her art has become prettier and more traditionally feminine as the series goes on. i have no idea what that means.

isabel and essence get the same paragraph bc as of rhato 43, spoiler alert! same fuckin person??? neither of which i particularly understand. partially bc the way every single relationship jason has (other than with roy) is fairly underdeveloped and jason will just sort of be like “i have feelings for her” meanwhile im sitting over here like then why do you spend every monologue talking abt how the only people you love are roy and kori, huh?? huh, buddy??? also while im at it. that meme that’s an uno card but it’s “have a relationship with someone not significantly older than you or draw 25″ and jason’s got fucking a hundred cards in hand. anyways. i don’t get isabel! i think she’s great! i like dog! why does she continue to be a character tho.

things i still haven’t considered: clara′s teacher-crush on jason. dna as another trans character. shay veritas in general. ma gunn????? there’s a whole fuckin lot there idrk. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#oh boy am i not tagging this i dont want the j*ytemis fans coming after me if anyone does bother to read this #ref #long post #in case the read more fucks up on mobile

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admiraldora · 7 years

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story time: some people are fucked up

ok so i’m learning french and i have private tutor who’s this energetic young woman around 30 years old and who’s favourite task is making me tell her ‘bonnes nouvelles’ which means that every day i must write down three good things that happened to me and tell her about it later

ok except that usually the only piece of good news i have is ‘i haven’t killed myself yet’

but i don’t want to be dramatic so i just tell her nothing happened

‘but you did something interesting yesterday, right?’ she asks. the answer is no. i spent all the day staring into the ceiling and the hellish blueness of tumblr. ‘not really’, i answer

‘but you’ve eaten something nice, certainly’, she says. my Depression Meal™ consisted of some dirt from the back of my fridge and vodka but i don’t want to sound like a dick so i just give up and invent something

yes i lie bc sorry nothing good ever happens and seeing ‘saw a nice meme on my dash yesterday’ doesn’t really help to improve my french. also she doesn’t seem to be a person with an appreciation for the Memetry

anyway

she’s a good tutor and i’m mostly okay with her except she’s really religious to the point where she’s often like ‘oh, we won’t have class this week, i need to go to church at that time’ and like???? what’s the point of having a private tutor if i can’t even have regular classes at a time that’s convenient for me? but okay

sometimes it’s just absurd though like she told me there was no point protesting against the government bc ‘ppl don’t decide these things it’s god who’ll know what to do and how to sort everything out’ THANK YOU LADY I’M SURE THE GOD WILL COME DOWN ONE DAY AND PUT HIS SON JESUS IN KREMLIN AND THEN WE’LL ALL BE HAPPY HERE IN RUSSIA

she also sometimes says things like ‘i don’t understand why all the movies now have gays in them’ (WHERE ARE THESE MOVIES?????????) or ‘don’t go to barcelona during that time of the year there are lots of gays there’ (PLEASE TELL ME EXACTLY WHERE CAN I FIND THEM) but that’s okay too bc we’re in russia and if i tried to find a 100% ally as a tutor i’d be searching until the day i die.

that’s not the point of my story though, but now you have some idea about what she’s like

she’s mostly a nice person though

she likes my stories

she brings me food!

she’s just kinda weird with all that religious stuff but that’s her own choice and i have no real right to judge her on that

we were talking abt princess diana during out last class and she was like ‘she betrayed her husband... she should’ve kept quiet and suffered until the end that would’ve been a better image’ and i was like ‘dude???? the hell??? he cheated on her???” and she said ‘yes but i know a lot of couples who went through the same kind of problem but stayed together and it even made them happier and their bond stronger’ and ‘love doesn’t last forever so when it goes away ppl must work hard to stay together’

and i was like ‘gentle lady????? have you ever heard of respect??? especially self-respect???? ok maybe the passion is gone but that doesn’t mean that you can go and cheat on your spouse? what the hell?? working hard on staying together kinda implies not betraying the person you married?’

and then she tells me the most atrocious thing i’ve ever heard which is the story of her friend who got married to a dude and lived with him for 20 years and had 5 (five) children with him except that HE WAS CHEATING ON HER THE WHOLE TIME SINCE THE MOMENT SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH THEIR FIRST CHILD

AND SHE STAYED WITH HIM

‘of course that’s crazy’ says my tutor ‘but she loved him so much and when you love someone you forgive anything’

SORRY LADY BUT NO???? I WOULD RATHER BE EATEN ALIVE THAN FORGIVE A PERSON WHO CHEATED ON ME WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY

anyway after TWENTY YEARS the lady finally grows herself a brain and leaves him except that they don’t divorce for Religious Reasons and just live separately now

‘but it’s all good because she has five wonderful children so it was worth it’ my tutor says with a blissful smile on her lips

NO IT’S NOT

SHE WAS ROBBED OF HAPPINESS FOR 20 YEARS OF HER LIFE, CHEATED ON, BETRAYED, LIED TO

like i get that having five children is a Good Thing for her but imagine if she had these children with a person who actually LOVED HER AND RESPECTED HER????

and these children? is making them grow up seeing how their father cheats on their mother again and again is such a good thing??? IS IT REALLY???

anyway by this point i’m so appalled that i’m unable to speak, to tell her something, anything, and she finishes her Life Lesson of Why We Should Suffer For 20 Years Because of Some Literal Garbage Who Can't Keep His Dick in His Pants by saying

‘i personally wouldn’t forgive a serious affair but like if my future husband goes to a night club, you know, these things happen...’

WHAT KIND OF A HUSBAND WOULD DO THAT

and at that point i understand

that maybe depression has made my life empty and meaningless and maybe i have lots of issues

but thank god

i’m not as fucked up as she is

#dora talks #i literally lost my speech and couldn't tell her how terrible all these things are #anyway that's not my problem #i'm only there to learn french and she's a good tutor

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