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digi-drummer · 5 years

Text

Self-Para

"Why are doors always so loud at night..." Levi hissed flinching as he listened to the back door of the cabin all but screech as the cold hinges protested against the weight and movement. Clearing his throat, the young man peered upwards watching the dark windows intently waiting for lights to flicker on, waiting for a familiar voice or two to call out asking who was there or what he could possibly be doing out so late. Thankfully the cabin was silent. A long sigh of relief expelled from the drummer whose shoulders slumped convinced that no one would dare follow him.

Turning on his heels, he carefully moved down the frost covered steps following the natural twisted path towards one of the numerous walking trails hidden throughout the dense slumbering forest. The only sound he made was his boots stepping on shriveled leaves causing them to crunch under the sudden weight. Still, this didn't deter him from putting hundreds of meters between him and the cabin which had become a safe haven in recent weeks. Levi didn't stop until he finally noticed the small condensation cloud swirl before those large dark eyes physically reminding him just how chilly it was. It was only then that he turned around peering over his shoulder looking around at all the looming trees, each looking like a carbon copy of the other.

Quietly he swallowed hard, the gulp almost sounding like someone had thrown a large rock into the water, plopping. It was an audible representation of the fear that began to creep over his shoulders causing those fine hairs along his nape to stand on end. "It is just a little dark...that's it..." He mumbled reassuring himself that there wasn't anything else out there in the woods. Nothing that could possibly hurt him. Each sound he would logically and rationally write off. The creaking was simply the trees and the ground shifting with the dramatic change in temperature. It wasn't someone sneaking up on him. The chilling, whispering voices were simply the wind weaving in and out of various baren undergrowth, whistling through narrow passageways. Nothing to be concern about.

"I'm fine..I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay." Levi repeated as he began to walk again, putting further distance between him and the cabin wanting to reach a particular spot. What spot was that? He hadn't the slightest clue, but what felt like an hours worth of walking, he was finally there. A small clearing with nothing to block the large silver glowing rock in the sky casting reflective light. Stepping out into it, the young man allowed large to tears to start streaming down his face, staining those rosy red cheeks creating further irritation which was caused by the brisk night air. Gradually breathy sobs bubbled out, heaving his shoulders with each gut-wrenching wail. Before long he was standing there releasing all the emotions he had been bottling up for days now. Weeks perhaps.

Again and again, he sobbed, hiccuped, and spluttered the agony which had been plaguing him. Everything the young male felt he couldn't properly release without worrying anyone else or without feeling like he would disappoint the very people who had helped him so much. Naturally, these paranoid ideas were simply that. Grand illusions his mind came up with that weren't true at all. Just whispered lies those annoying voices in his head hissed at him during quiet moments, convincing him he needed to put on a brave face or else.

Both hands began to rub frantically at his face trying to get rid of the tears that wouldn't stop, but his efforts were fruitless. A dam had been broken and all he could do was wait until every ounce had been drained. "Fffff..fff.f-ff-f-fuu...fuck! FUCK!?" Shouting, he kicked his foot out all but slamming it into a nearby stump causing various debris to scatter every which way but straight from the violent disturbance. He repeated this several times before collapsing onto his knees with both hands clutching onto his head trying to apply counterpressure to the pulsing ache no doubt stemmed from the sobs.

"I'm so exhausted..." He whispered looking through splayed pinken fingers at the empty clearing as if expecting to see some familiar face, but there was nothing. Falling back, he sat down with a small grunt with arms lazily draped over his outstretched legs looking like a doll that was carelessly tossed up onto a shelf rather than a grieving young male. He certainly felt like a lifeless plaything at that moment. "I..jj..just don't understand...why..why why why why." Those swollen lips began to quiver as a new series of tears began causing his shoulders to tremble, eyelids falling shut. This time his cries were quite. Sounding more defeated.

Running his tongue over his lips, he tried to stop the hot salty tears by rubbing the back of his wrist under each puffy eye. Again, his efforts were in vain. It was a screaming reminder of how useless he had been feeling as of late. Running around aimlessly with no real direction despite telling himself there was some sort of plan. A plan which kept changing for reasons that were usually out of his control. Some other outside force kept throwing a wrench into his already faulty machine forcing him to pause and fix the damage.

A hollowed laugh seeped out from him which grew more erratic finding the irony of how many wished some outside force would put a kink in their plans. Change it so it wasn't the same mundane thing day in and day out. "And I'm complaining." He snickered raising his arms, holding them straight out on either side of himself with palms pointing up towards the cloudless sky. It was an almost aggressive pose as if daring someone to come at him. "I'm complaining. Can you believe that? I get all of these stupid pointless grand adventures that keep tearing me apart while millions are out there wishing for something to happen. Wishing for heartache so they can understand these great works of fiction...yet I'm complaining." Laughing harder, he began to change positions stumbling up onto his knees then his feet before staggering forward nearly collapsing back onto the ground.

"This is all supposed to make me stronger isn't it? ISN'T IT." He snapped, face turning red as his blood began to boil, veins protruding around his forehead and neck from the strain he was inflicting upon himself. "I'm supposed to come out of this stronger. Wiser. Some fucking shaman because YOU keep dealing me a bad hand." Pointing a finger to the sky for added emphasis. "You, life. What am I supposed to learn from all this? I don't understand!? Any of it!? Please tell me what I'm supposed to learn cause I am failing. I don't have a fucking textbook to study from. None of this makes sense. NONE OF IT."

Coughing, he clapped a hand to his throat trying to ease the sting creep across the back of his throat which only increased from swallowing lung fulls of cold wintry air. He began to rub the tender flesh looking around the clearing once more unsure why he was even shouting to the heavens. Wasn't like his voice had ever been heard. What was he hoping for? A divine being to come down, encasing him in their loving arms? "I'm crying out to no one..." He whispered closing his eyes embracing the third round of tears which began to dribble down from now heavily swollen eyelids. "Only want a moment of peace. Only a single moment to just process...pppp..ppppp..ppllleee...aa...ehh..please. Ttt-hhh..aahhhh...tt-h-ha-at's aaa...alll...Iiiii..wwwww-ww-w-w-aannn..want. Ooooo....wwoo...one mmmmoment oo-o-o-of peace."

Levi could feel his face twisting, contorting into some unpleasant expression as these negative feelings consumed him. Tear by tear the tension which the young male had been walking around with streaked those youthful, now raw cheeks, cascading down to stain his shirt which was stuck to his lithe trembling body. Sniffling hard, he tried in earnest to catch a solid gasp of air which resulted in him coughing, spluttering until gasping hard enough to cause a hitched wheeze.

Minutes ticked on of him standing there letting his body shake from the inner turmoil which had crept up to the surface. Eventually, the drummer realized that he had been standing there simply panting for god knows how long just staring around aimlessly, much like an over exhausted child would when asked a simple question. It took everything that he had left to take a step back crunching more unsuspecting leaves and twigs. Then another and another until he was stumbling out of the clearing and back into the dark unforgiving forest.

His walk back to the cabin was uneventful. He didn't have some earthshattering revelation of how to fix everything. No insight of the meaning of all the constant hardships he had been enduring. It was like he was in a trance while maneuvering through the twisted roots and ducking from low hanging branches. Not even the eerie sounds of the night could snap him out this stupor. Wasn't until he found himself at the back door of the cabin that he came to. Blinking wildly, he glanced upwards towards the dark windows half wondering if he had actually wandered deep into the forest or if it was some sort of daydream. A warning that no use would come to releasing these pin-up feelings. That sobering thought was quickly smothered when he swept a hand over a cheek which began to sting reminding him of the countless tears he had sobbed.

"Oh be quiet..." Levi hissed glaring at the door which once again protested as he pulled it open. "So have to grease you in the morning so you don't wake everything in at ten-kilometer radius." Snorting, he slipped inside welcoming the heat that wafted over him. A heat which reminded him that he was indeed safe. "Just a little stumble...that's all that was."

#.self para.#.novella.#Word Count: 1661 #(( ALL THE ANGST ))

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wendynerdwrites · 7 years

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You don't seem to like Jonerys. Why?

A bunch of reasons. Show!wise, it’s officially come down to “These characters seriously piss me off, period.”

Book!wise?There’s two prongs to this.

The first prong is quite the opposite of why I don’t like Show!Jonerys. I LOVE the book versions of these characters. I really, really root for both Jon and Dany, want them to succeed, and love their goals and ambitions. I want them to get what they want, and feel that is what they deserve. And I don’t think a romance between the two of them satisfies their characters, their inner hopes, dreams, goals, and ambitions. It simply will not allow them to get the endings they deserve.

Now, let me make this clear: I am not saying their motivations are utterly alien to each other. Both of them have severe identity and displacement issues. Both of them, on some level, yearn for home. But what those things mean to them as people, and the paths that may bring them… the things they want simply don’t mesh in a way that makes room for romance.

I WANT Daenerys to win her empire (not necessarily atop the Iron Throne, though, because it sucks, but Dany’s already building her own empire independent from that and I do believe the climax of her character arc will be her realizing that), find her true identity, reconcile her own ideals and background on which to build a better world on which she is at the forefront. I WANT her to find and build her house with the Red Door. I WANT her to be everything she’s dreamed of being: the great, immovable leader who has found a balance between embracing her heritage and the legacy left to her, while also DOING better than that and employing who she is towards betterment, rather than destruction.

I WANT Jon to be able to rid his world of the monsters threatening it, then return to the home he’s always known, finally secure and reconciled with who he is, his honor, and have that happy life back at Winterfell with a wife and children he can name after the loved ones he’s lost.

And, sorry, but Daenerys cannot, should not be the wife Jon dreams of. Her place isn’t at Winterfell. And once she helps save the world (which she will), nothing about her character suggests that she’s interested in retiring from there. Yes, like Jon, she yearns for a home and a solid sense of identity. But her struggle for that lies in the legacy she represents and an actual place to belong.

Jon, on the other hand, has his identity crisis more attuned to his bastardry, to his sense of honor. And when he dreams of home, he doesn’t dream of a vague area with a house with a red door. He dreams of his sisters, he dreams of his brother and the man who raised him, and he dreams of a place he knows every inch of: Winterfell.

He has absolutely no interest in thrones or titles or power, exactly. He considers his childhood dreams of being Lord of Winterfell to be selfish, childish, and shameful. To the point where when he is literally offered everything he dreamt of as a child — no longer being a bastard, being the lord of Winterfell— even when he considers it, his thoughts are more about having a wife and a son named Robb, not the power and prestige. And he ultimately rejects it, “Winterfell belongs to my sister, Sansa.”

Daenerys, should she survive kicking the WW’s frozen asses, isn’t stopping there. Despite how much she loved Drogo and Rhaego, how she did (briefly) consider settling down as Khaleesi (which, even then, it’s the Dothraki, so by definition they technically don’t settle down anywhere), even then, it was with the promise of mothering “The Stallion that Mounts the World.” And it also had more to do with her burgeoning liberation from Viserys and the love she found with Drogo than any real desire for domesticity (the only time she’s considered it is being with the Dothraki, which is a life of conquest and exploration anyways). Once Drogo dies, though, she knows what she truly wants. Despite detours and other desires that have come into play for Dany, despite various obstacles, mistakes, and distractions, all of it has been in service, ultimately, to getting her big, big prize. Of building her empire, taking her throne, being the scion of House Targaryen (granted, I think this will end with her doing these things, but in a way that is NOT what she expected. Daenerys will not be the new Targaryen Dragon Queen of the unsustainable, highly problematic empire her VERY unprincipled forebears built. Dany births her own dragons and builds her own empire. I think she’s as likely to be Queen of the Iron Throne as she is of being Queen of Old Valyria. Daenerys will build a new empire of her own and will be followed there. She’ll be a badass queen, but through using her dragonfire to light beacons for others to follow her, to forge steel beams and form glass palaces, not through conquest). Maybe she’ll settle all of Old and New Ghis. Asshai will almost certainly be involved. But Daenerys isn’t meant to just perpetuate that ugly symbol of conquest and destruction Aegon the Conqueror created. But she IS a queen. It’s what she wants. It’s what drives her.

(And let me also make this clear: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.)

And, yeah, sorry, but neither of these characters have “endgame” desires and goals that meld together. Neither of these characters should have to sacrifice their particular desires and goals to serve those of a romantic partner. Both of them deserve better. They should be with people whose happiness, desires, and dreams already align with theirs so they can build the lives they want without stifling their partners’ destinies.

Jon, at his heart, wants to survive, be accepted for who he is, go home, and build a family in the place he’s always loved and known.

Daenerys, at her heart, wants to build/rebuild something momentous from what her family left behind, find and make a place for herself, and be the leader and beacon of it all.

Jon has never shown the slightest interest in kingship, a throne, or such a level of power. Indeed, he seems to be highly disillusioned with the concept of it all. He’s never even had the slightest desire to go south of Winterfell. Even his desires for exploration (ranging) lay in the North. He wants to get through this shit, get rid of it, and live with a wife, kids, a son named Robb, and the home he’s never been able to leave behind.

What part do either of these two characters play in the other’s dreams, really? I can’t see Jon as the ambitious emperor who wants leave Westeros behind to build a new kingdom on dragonback. I cannot see Daenerys as the Lady of Winterfell, living out her days in feudal domesticity.

This doesn’t mean they can’t mesh well as people, or have a wonderful bond, but considering the setting and what a “romantic” ending entails, sorry, I can’t.

The two of them will likely form a strong bond. The story is definitely pushing them together… but that doesn’t mean romantically. It means that they’re going to connect, save the world together, and likely provide major growth for one anothers’ character arcs.

The idea that their connection must be romantic? Yeah, sorry, that’s the second prong: I don’t like the fact that so many people, upon seeing that these two characters are connected, jump to that connection being romantic, especially given the other prong. If they were both men, or both women, I feel like there would be far less popularity around them as a romantic pairing.

Don’t get me wrong: I want Jon and Dany to form a bond and come to love each other… just not like that. Daenerys has had no shortage of men who have been devoted to her based on romantic “love”. She deserves a respite from that, both personally and narratively, and where better to find it than with her only living relative? (who she’ll save the world with!) It’s why, if you read my fic, you’ll find that Dany is frequently a major character who does, in fact, form deep, emotional, nurturing bonds with Jon and his family. Both of them have identity issues concerning family. They happen to BE family, by blood, and when they do meet and discover this, there’s tons of potential for their arcs as characters to be fulfilled in that respect. Jon being a Targaryen is going to rock the largest part of his identity — being Ned Stark’s bastard. Just as it will with Dany, who has operated for nearly the entire time we’ve known her on the basis that she is the last Targaryen and is alone in the world. What would be far, far more beautiful and fulfilling, in my mind, is them being family. THESE TWO CHARACTERS ARE AND WILL BE INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT TO EACH OTHER. Given how the only relative Daenerys ever knew was the abusive Viserys, who just happened to abuse her sexually as well as physically, mentally, and emotionally, the idea of her finding a relative like JON, who knows how to have bonds like the gorgeous one he shares with Arya, and finding a true, loving family bond there would be breathtaking, poetic, and gorgeous. I like the dynamic of having the male character’s dreams and goals be fulfilled in a way that is tied to the romantic and domestic, while the female character’s fulfillment being divorced from that and instead being built on platonic love free from sexualization, building something new, and achieving pure, raw ambition and power.

A Jonerys romance/endgame for me is the antithesis of that.

Am I saying my position is right? No. But it’s my perspective. It’s how I feel about the whole thing.

#anti-jonerys #asoiaf meta #jon snow #daenerys targaryen

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