#sometimes i wonder if you'd actually communicated with me that we'd still been able to be friends

[kaikree]

something that isn't talked about much when it comes to healing yourself is that it might end up killing relationships (both romantic and platonic)

and i don't mean that in a way that should dissuade anyone from trying to heal. i mean you are where you are, on a path to try and get better, to do right by yourself and take care of the child inside you and nurture the things that have been hurt and sometimes you look around and realize that the people that you used to stand beside are a half-mile back on the track, so far that you can barely see them

and you want them to be with you still. you know that if they can get themselves up this hill with you that they'll feel better. things can get better and it's hard but you're up here climbing a hill, you know that it's possible and they can do it too! they can climb the hill with you and look out at this great view

but

you can't move their legs for them. and no matter how you wave or cajole or promise that it's not as hard once you get into it, they will not move from where they are. and you can sit there and try to talk to them from afar, but the healthier you get the harder it is to yell back to where they're standing.

sometimes there comes a point that you have to turn around completely because the path they want to stay on will only leash you back to a lower point. and that's... not actually your fault.

and yeah that can get so very frustrating. there have been times in my life where while talking to friends who were in bad spirals i would get frustrated b/c no matter what i said or did it seemed like they were hellbent on staying exactly where they were no matter how much they hated it or how much it hurt them. i could sit down and walk with them through resources and venting sessions and so many ways to to get out of the place they were in and it just... repeated. in a cycle. at some point i had to come to terms with the fact that you can't help someone who refuses to take the first step to help themselves and sometimes sticking around someone like that is only going to keep you tethered to that mental state.

#chinhands #sometimes i wonder if you'd actually communicated with me that we'd still been able to be friends #this whole metaphor makes sense in my head but idk if it translates #and then the awkward sense of feeling like the other person resents you for not being as miserable as they are #or that they resent your successes when they happen #tbh i wish i could say that i chose to end that relationship but i wasn't the one to cut the tie #i just realized that when i finally #finally #told them that they'd done something that was hurtful #that it rebounded and became about how me being hurt was actually hurtful to them #i'd made so many excuses about not telling them when they were out of line or wrong b/c i could handle it #excuses of 'theyre going through things and im privileged so i can take it' #'but if i tell them that this isn't okay then i'll be responsible for what they do to themselves after' #which in hindsight yeah that. probably. should have been indicative of something. #it wasn't something they threatened or anything like that #it was 100% my own fear and knowing that if they spiraled i was thousands of miles away #with no way of contacting anyone near them or getting help if something did happen #relationships can go bad even when everyone has good intentions #they probably think i hate them but tbh i just wish they'd get whatever they need to pull them out of the hell in their own head #they're a good and kind person just stuck in the shittiest kinds of place

[existentialstatesofmind]

Opening Up

Clare: often found new books online by browsing through suggestions of similar reads to past favorites. She was sure this wouldn’t be much different. “I like that feature already. The biggest problem I run into is looking for paranormal romance and getting horror. Yeah if the cover looks gory or violent, I won’t get it.” She grinned at him. “Thank you, if you really don’t mind helping me out. We probably will be using a wok. Unless they are worried about grease fires.” Clare became uneasy at the thought. “There are so many distractions in a classroom and I have slow reflexes.” She laughed nervously. “No problem. We’ll get along fine. I just have to warn Alli.” Her best friend was more outgoing than she was and could easily become defensive. Clare remembered how Alli had taken an immediate dislike to Jenna. Once she made up her mind about someone it was difficult to change it. “Good! I was starting to miss the days when I didn’t care about my appearance and would wear whatever I wanted even if it caused me to be made fun of.” She chuckled. “Yay!” She enthusiastically responded to going to a Cultural Festival. “What is Host Cafe?” Clare knew if it had anything to do with drinking the schools were going to say no. “Oh my god.” She squealed. “If we are doing this, we have to go all out! No point in doing something with so much potential half assed. You have to wear an apron with a big satin bow tying it in the back, gloves, high heels, maid headpiece and feather duster. Everything allowed. Thigh highs with the garter might be against the rules. Though I’d pay money to see you, Kota. Of course I’ll gladly wear a male waiter costume which is probably a vest over a button down shirt, black slacks, a bowtie, and men’s shoes. Can’t forget those. I’m going to have to buy a wig. What color should I go with? I want straight hair too that will make me look different. Maybe Alli and I can draw fake mustaches on each other! I think that would look better than one you glue on. I wonder if I can trick her into letting me give her a goatee?” She grinned mischievously. “I know. I just wasn’t sure how much you trusted him with. I’m glad he’s not like your brothers, you need someone to confide in besides me. So we let everyone think whatever they want? But I don’t have to lie?” Clare was glad she didn’t have to confirm any rumors that might make their way back home. She didn’t care about being thrown out of Jesus Club, however, Clare couldn’t let her parents find out she dared to sleep in the same bed as a boy (even if they weren’t doing anything other than sleeping). “Technically it’s an Irish Claddagh ring.” She doubted many girls would ask the meaning behind it. “I’m not ready emotionally, and I make no promises when I will be. Emi’s good birth control. I love her but I couldn’t take care of her full time like you do. My family’s a mess, I’d have zero support, and a baby is a lot more work. I don’t want us to resent each other because we had to miss out being a normal teenagers. I’m going away for college, I want to live in a dorm and be independent.” If she really got pregnant at 16, her parents and especially Darcy (who looked down on teen moms) would pressure her into giving the baby up for adoption but Clare saw no reason to bring that up. She nodded. “We’ll table it. I obviously am not comfortable with relying on a condom either, I’d have to come up with a way to get around needing parental permission. Or Mom’s head would explode.” Clare didn’t want Kota to change his mind later on and break up with her for a girl who was on birth control. There was nothing she could do about it though. “Seriously? That might be your best kept secret. I mean I have seen tabloid articles with headlines like Melanie Martinez goes on a weekend rendezvous with her younger man! But they never mentioned Toronto.” Clare didn’t feel stupid for not recognizing her own city or Kota if he’d ever been caught on camera too because no one else at school did either. Mostly Clare thought those articles were bogus. But sometimes they guessed Melanie was in some exotic location with an upcoming actor who had a baby face but was really 25. She listened to their crazy adventures, and more they could possibly have. She could never be apart of that. But that was okay. At least she was finally getting to go somewhere AND currently hanging out with Melanie Martinez! Clare smiled. “It won’t be a free for all but it will be parentless.” She walked out of the office and looked at Melanie before answering Kota. “How about starting with Yohio’s lab?”

Kota: looked at Clare when she mentioned paranormal romance and getting horror. "They classify paranormal as supernatural and I've read one supernatural romance that I liked. It didn't have horror, but it was also adult." he explained. "I'm not sure, to be honest I haven't heard of them using a wok, but if you go to someone's house to learn they may use a wok." he shrugged. He listened to her talk about warning Alli and nodded, then laughed when she mentioned her clothes. "A host club is basically a legal form of prostitution without the prostitution. We'd have to wear suits and look nice, the customer will get a list of names of who's on duty and pick which one they want to be with. We'd have to sit with the customer or customers while they eat, we'd be able to drink soda or something with them and we'd have to do what they say. If a girl tells me to flirt with her, I'd have to or we'd lose money. I'd have to kiss her hand regardless though, when the customers leave a kiss on the hand is a proper goodbye." he explained the best he could. Hearing Clare go on about the cafe causing him to shake his head. "You can't do any of that. Everything is supplied by the school. The outfits are decided by votes, the ones that get the most votes are what we will be wearing and they're handmade by our class. The wigs will be provided by the theater committee, the shoes will also be provided for us by the school. You and Alli cannot have facial hair of any sort, you'd have to look like a high school boy and there will already be someone to do your make up and mine. Who knows they may only straighten and style your hair, there are guys with long hair at school. To be honest, I do my hair differently in Japan, there are times when Natsumi stood on a chair and tied my bangs for me with a band on the top of my head. It looked like a small ponytail and it's not uncommon for guys to do that there like it is here." he assured. "No we don't have to lie. If they know you're a virgin who cares? If they think we're having sex, let them." he said honestly. He didn't correct anyone either, he just let them think what they wanted. "I feel the same, I'm not emotionally ready and I don't know when I will be either. I'm actually going to community college because most dormitories won't allow Emi to live with me in them and who's to say if and when my aunt will come back for her. When I graduate Degrassi, I'm getting an apartment to live in wherever I go to school and I'm going to bring Emi apartment shopping with me. If my aunt comes and gets her by then I'll stay in a dorm. I do know that newborns cry a lot and not all of them sleep through the night so continuing high school with a child is nearly impossible and it would be just as impossible to go to an actual college like we want, we'd have to go online and that would suck a lot. I don't plan on having sex until I'm able to take responsibility for whatever happens." he smiled at her and kissed her cheek. "We can worry about that later and I don't think you'll need to get your mom's permission for birth control. I'm not planning on being ready while I'm still in high school so there's no need to worry about that." he said honestly and listened to her. "No, we were in Cali when that happened so don't worry about recognizing the city. I'm able to take small trips between here and America when I want as long as my mom knows. Plus they didn't really get my face, I wore dark glasses and a hat so they couldn't get my face." he confirmed. As Clare spoke, he looked around his office to make sure he had everything and smiled. "Yohio's lab it is." he said before hearing his phone ring and answering it. "Great, I've been trying to call you." he chimed to the person on the other end. "I'm bringing my girlfriend when I bring the jacket to you so..." he trailed off and listened. "That'd be perfect. I'll make sure she's free and I'm willing to pay you back for this. Her name is Clare and please whatever you do don't embarrass her. If you do the IOU you have against me will be null and void." he stated in the phone and smiled. "Great and ok, I'll put paper in my fax machine so you can fax whatever you need to." he smiled. "Ok, I'll see you then and I promise not to tell her. Love ya too." he chuckled and hung up the phone. "Clare, keep your schedule clear for next Saturday. We apparently have plans and I'm not sure what's going to happen since I'm in debt to someone right now." he explained. "Ah, debt that you need to pay with your body." Mel laughed jokingly. "That's not funny, for all I know she could be planning something and though she won't make me her slave I'm still unable to find out what she has up her sleeve." he sighed and stood up. "To Yohio's office." he chimed and lead them down a corridor. "We can't go inside due to the fact he's working and if we scare him or the chemist it could cause problems." he informed and stopped to press a button on the elevator. "What is he making?" Mel asked. "Perfume." Kota answered. "We're selling it in the store downstairs and in Japan first. If the perfume sells well, we'll build him a lab in Japan." he added as they got on the elevator and he pressed the button for the third floor. "The girl you were on the phone with, do I know her?" Mel asked. "Not personally, but you know who she is." he said. "That could be anyone." Mel sighed. "I'll tell you who it is later." he said. "Maybe she just wants to hang out." Mel shrugged. "That's a possibility. I have only been able to hang out with her in America so maybe she wants me to give her a tour of Toronto." he sighed in relief as the elevator stopped and he lead them to a big window. "This is Yohio's lab." he said looking through it to see Yohio and waved at him, in turn Yohio waved back wearing a hooded lab coat, hospital mask, rubber gloves and protective glasses. "Where to next?" he asked.

#ou

[darapnerd]

G33k HQ Presents: MC Front-A-Lot Interview

Interview Questions From G33K-HQ & Darealwordsound (Wordy): Nerdcore Interview Collaboration Questions

MC Front: Thank you for bearing with me! So sorry to continually drop the ball on this. Here you go.

Wordy: What was your first creative outlet? MC Front: I seem to remember kindergarten involving a lot of drawing. First and second grade had poetry exercises sometimes. But the way we played D&D between 2nd and 6th grades was how my imagination really got fired up. We didn\'t like dice and maps that much. We\'d take turns DMing and just sort of freestyle the stories to each other at recess. Wordy:  What was the first rap album you ever purchased? MC Front: It was also my first CD. DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, He\'s the DJ, I\'m the Rapper. Wordy: Who are your biggest music inspirations?

  MC Front: Tom Waits, Public Enemy, Bjork

Wordy: Describe your studio to us.

  MC Front: I have an Ikea desk that\'s been out of print for 10 years so I get fussy when anyone leans on it. Creaky, cheap old thing. It\'s the only one where you can bolt the rotating side shelves at any height. Perfect for the near-field monitors and re-aiming them for any version of the stereo field. I mix there in my bedroom which isn\'t treated, but I\'ve been in there so long that I can work around most of the room effects. I have a coat closet fully treated, very dead and dry, for vocals. I keep some buttons in there to engineer myself, but everything\'s still happening on the studio computer. My pre-amp and mics and monitors are satisfactory. I could use a better ADC/DAC.

  I will record occasional hand percussion, etc, in that closet booth, but very little fits in there. For other acoustic capture, I\'ll rent time at a real studio (any time I\'m tracking my drummers) or I\'ll go field-record strings at someone\'s apartment.

  A solid two thirds of the non-vocal sound on the albums is electronic, and I can get keyboard performances or work on drum machine material in the project studio without worrying about the ambient noises of Brooklyn.

  Wordy: Describe your ideal home studio if money wasn\'t a problem.

  MC Front: A proper treatment of the mixing room would be great. I guess I\'d have twenty of these Avalon pre-amps and a little drum room, as well as a booth big enough for upright bass or cello. There is almost unlimited fanciness available in the hardware market... I guess I\'d have to make a hobby out of shopping. I\'d still use Reaper as my DAW, though -- the least expensive version of that kind of software, and also the best. I could probably spend sixty grand on plugins.

Wordy: What is your creative process for writing and or producing a song?

MC Front: Baddd Spellah, my Canadian beatsmithing partner, has been kind enough to work on grooves with me for the last fifteen years. Usually I will start with something he\'s been kicking around, or he\'ll take a pass at some live drum that I\'ve been chopping up, and we\'ll add keyboard material from Gm7 (Gaby Alter), my longtime music co-writer. When there is a verse-appropriate groove that is in pretty good shape, I\'ll leave it on loop and write. Once in a while, I\'ll write a hook over a groove that feels like a chorus, and start from there. After I\'ve got most of a lyric, I\'ll put down a scratch vocal so that Spellah and I can build a full song arrangement. Then I\'ll record too many takes of the final vocal, and spend too many months dicking around with the comp, the mix, and all the instrumental details. Finally I\'ll listen to it on as many different devices as I can, fine-tune the mix, and stay up for a week and a half making increasingly bad decisions about everything on the album, leading up to the mastering appointment I foolishly committed to several months prior.

  Wordy: What is your happiest On-Stage Moment?

  MC Front: I think a PAX crowd demanded a second encore once. That makes you feel like a superstar.

Wordy: What was your favorite song to write or record?

  MC Front: Maybe Stoop Sale? But that might be because the video came out so well. For the most part, my happiness with the process relies entirely on the result: it makes me happy to listen to a track if I don\'t just hear a barrage of fuckups that it\'s too late to go back and fix. But there aren\'t very many of those. Of all my lyrics, I\'m probably proudest of Two Dreamers from the Question Bedtime album. I feel like I worked out every bit of the story and then obscured it just enough that the listener\'s careful attention is rewarded.

Wordy: What advice do you have for aspiring artists?

  MC Front: Practice a lot, develop your talent. Get the skills you need to properly communicate with whoever your creative partners are. Take the craft seriously but give yourself a break for not having mastered it -- that is a lifelong process with no actual end goal.

Wordy: What project do you feel best describes you as an artist?

  MC Front: The Nerdcore Rising documentary probably says more about me and the band than I\'d ever be able to, and in kinder words. Of my own projects, I like the Zero Day and Solved albums as a window into whatever it is I\'m trying to say about nerdcore.

Wordy: How do you feel about the disconnect between \"Nerdcore\" and \"HipHop\"?

  MC Front: Well, hip-hop is a cultural movement with very specific origins and elements. Rap is a formal music style that emerged from hip-hop. Any \'variation\' or \'new perspective\' that someone brings to rap is fine -- if meaningless. It might matter that you came up with a new thing to say, but the fact that you chose an unusual form for your expression should be the least interesting thing about it. You can write a march for your peace movement, even if marches come from military music, because the march itself is just a formal style of composition. You\'d be smart to note the ironic relationship there, or you\'d be dumb to suggest that there isn\'t one, or that your choice to use a march as an expression of pacifism somehow reaches backward and affects the origin of the form. Anyone who thinks they\'re \'expanding\' or \'liberating\' hip-hop from its roots by rapping about things that haven\'t been rapped about traditionally is probably an idiot. 

  My idea about hip-hop was only to observe that it was cool. Like, it was the coolest thing happening in American culture when I was a kid, and it probably still is. Breakdancers were the coolest kids on the playground. Graffiti kids were the coolest outlaws in fourth grade. And rappers were the coolest possible composers of verse.

  To want to compose and perform verse in that formal style without having any direct connection to hip-hop, and without being cool, is the sort of desire nerd kids might express by themselves, away from arbiters of hipness, and share only with other uncool kids. The idea of nerdcore went no deeper than that, originally. I\'m glad that a lot of other DIY rappers have found that resonant enough to expand upon.

  Wordy: Do you feel more \"Nerdcore\" rappers should know about its roots in \"HipHop\"?

  MC Front: Definitely. I remember trying to write a Villanelle in a college poetry class. First, we had to read and dissect a sheaf of them. The professor was of the opinion that we would all flounder in the assignment, because there had been only a handful of good Villanelles ever written. I\'m sure none of us wrote one of lasting value. The point was to learn how formal composition connects works, and to appreciate the complications. You can always just do it anyway. But knowing where it comes from and how it\'s been attempted before teaches you how to try to do it well. I think anyone who wants to compose lyrics within the rap genre should know all they can about how raps have been composed so far.

  That doesn\'t even begin to address the cultural issue. Some artists misidentify nerdcore as comedy music, and worse yet, think the joke is \"it\'s rap, but white kids are doing it.\" I think that outlook leads to the weakest possible songs, and is generally disrespectful of hip-hop in a way that concerns me and offends anyone who cares about American culture. Of course, not all of the nerdcore rappers are white, but all of the schticky ones are. I wonder if a delve into hip-hop\'s history would cure them of that impulse, or at least afford them the humility to hush it up.

Wordy: Are you involved in any philanthropy in your local communities or abroad?

  MC Front: I try to do something in support of Child\'s Play every year. I\'m going to contribute to the upcoming Worldbuilders album project.

Wordy: Can you freestyle? Meaning rap off the top of the head? If so, can we see you drop a few bars next time live?

  MC Front: I never do this! I think I\'ve conditioned myself into a certain kind of vanity. Almost everything on the albums is rapped in complete sentences, with rhymes that I\'ve never used previously. Freestyling doesn\'t work that way. I\'m too ashamed to let anyone see me freestyling about the frog, on a log, in a bog, who got sog-gy.

Wordy: Do you consider yourself a “GEEK”?

  MC Front: Of course.

Wordy: In your own words, describe what the word “GEEK” means to you?

MC Front: I decided at some point a long time ago that geeks are all direct descendants of the side-show geek, whose job was biting heads off of chickens. They weren\'t special in any way, except that they were willing and able to do that thing, and it was a fairly extreme thing to do. But because nobody else at the carnival was willing to go to that extreme, the geekery came to seem like a highly specialized skill.

  That\'s why you can be a geek about anything. You just need a topic where your knowledge or expertise is so specialized that it seems distastefully extreme to non-geeks. You can geek out about fantasy novels or about robot AIs. But you can also geek out about car engines or cooking. You don\'t have to be a nerd to geek out.

  Nerds are almost always geeks, and their subjects of geekery are often recognizably nerdy. But a nerd is something else, a person who was already too weird or too smart, and felt alienated, and embraced geekery as an alternative to whatever broader pursuits the cool kids enjoyed.

  Wordy: What is your earliest geek memory?

  MC Front: I was a Star Wars geek starting at age three and a half when the first one came out. It was the only thing I wanted to do. I made adults take me to see it 11 times before Empire came out (I kept careful count). I collected the Kenner figures obsessively until they stopped making new ones a year or two after Jedi.

  Wordy: What is your \"Geek\" hobby? Do you collect comic books? Anime? Video games?

  MC Front: I do still love comics, but I own too many. Video games take up less space. I spend more time gaming than I do working on music, occasionally 70 or 80 hours in a week. It\'s as much an emotional self-medication as it is a hobby.

Wordy: Who are your Top 5 emcees dead or alive?

  MC Front: In no order: Busdriver, MF Doom, Del, Q-Tip, Chuck D

Wordy: When is your next show or tour?

  MC Front: When I get the dang old album done! Maybe spring 2017 for tour. PAX South is the soonest lone show.

Wordy: Do you have a new album coming out?

  MC Front: It\'s called INTERNET SUCKS, and it is going to have a heavy \'get off my lawn\' vibe. Everyone will be mad at me, yet secretly agree with every word on the record. Watch for it to take your feeds by storm.

  http://frontalot.com

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