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sprnews · 2 years

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August 5th 2022: Mad Scientist Makes Food ‘The Bomb’

“Hello, and welcome to SPR: Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly.

Thank you for joining us on this Friday evening. It’s the fifth of August, 2022, and here’s our top story…

We’ve received reports of... well… to quote one of our tippers, quote, ‘A mad scientist is blowing up large chunks of the Australian landscape and I’m pretty sure some of the fires can be seen from space.’ end quote. We’ve also received other, as of yet, unconfirmed reports that the fires and explosions are caused by rampant fire elementals. Our own Ann Chorman has made the trip to Australia to try and get to the truth of the matter. Ann?”

“Hi, Fox! This is Ann Chorman, reporting live from down under-”

“Ann! We are LIVE! Please remember your last conversation with H R and our public relations team. So, please, do NOT finish that sentence with: policeman, fireman, paramedic, lifeguard, postman, mailman, soldier, nurse, doctor, maid, house keeper, chef pilot, gardener, pool boy, or any OTHER professional that wears a uniform that I’ve yet to mention.”

“Uh… hehe… Fox?”

“Yes, Ann?”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I was referring to Australia itself… you know… ‘The Land DOWN UNDER’?”

“… Oh… my apologies…”

“But, NOW that you mention it, it does remind me of that very sweet animal control officer that I met in Seattle while covering the hellhound story… I still can’t believe those shorts were LEGAL let alone part of the actual uniform. I really need to send a letter of appreciation to the city counsel for that, because there wasn’t much left to the imagination. And I can’t WAIT to-”

“Ann! Australia!”

“You mean being ‘Down Unda’?”

“Aaaaaann…”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself…”

“You rarely can, Ann… I suppose that’s part of your charm.”

“Awwww thanks… ANYWHO! I had used my local contacts to snoop around for me while I was on the way. They were able to confirm that it was NOT in fact a group of rampaging fire elementals that were burning the Australian landscape, before I even arrived.”

“That was some quick work and smart thinking, Ann.”

“Well, as you know, with elementals you need to be careful. So even the possibility of being around them made me want to prepare appropriately.”

“Very true, Ann. Elementals can be quite dangerous and proper equipment is needed to safeguard your person.”

“Well, yeah, there’s that… but also there’s the matter of additional clothes.”

“Clothes?”

“Fire elementals are particularly bad about burning your clothes right off. So if they were going to be around I’d need extras just in case.”

“Very… prudent… of you, Ann.”

“Well I have a job to do. And I take it very seriously.”

“I know you do, Ann, and we all thank you for your dedication.”

“Yeah… it’s just really hard to get a proper interview when you’re naked, you know? It always gets derailed… And I’m fine with a good railing, but I don’t want another lecture from the censorship, H R, or public relations… All because some fuddy-duddies have a problem with a little skin… prudes…”

“Ahem… so, if it’s not fire elementals, then what caused the explosions and fireballs, Ann?”

“Oh, right! The hellscape… hehe… anywho, the entire incident has been linked to an entrepreneur who apparently hoped to revolutionize the food industry.”

“Did his equipment accidentally explode, Ann?”

“No…. but yes… But definitely no.”

“Could you explain that a bit more in depth, Ann?”

“Righty-o! So… the individual in question is an Australian native with an inclination towards chemistry. He’d had a few run-ins with the denizens of the dark, and through those interactions he apparently had an epiphany on how he could capitalize on an unmet need down in hell.”

“Excuse me, Ann. But, hell?”

“That’s right, Fox! This quirky little Aussie had a dream of serving a new food to those in hell. According to him, when I interviewed him, his plan was to amass hellish currency for future purposes. Namely: research.”

“Wait, Ann, are you saying you managed to interview the individual himself?!”

“Indeed I did, Fox!”

“That’s amazing! How did you manage that?”

“Well, Fox, it wasn’t easy, I can tell you that. When I’d arrived there was an ongoing massive standoff between him and local law enforcement. And he had himself barricaded in his reclusive lab built into a cliff face and SWAT was trying to figure out what to do and the military was just as confused and concerned. So they sealed off the area to limit collateral damage while they figured it out.”

“How did an aspiring restaurateur manage to hold off the police AND the military?”

“With exploding cheeseburgers that created massive fireballs, Fox.”

“Excuse me, WHAT?!”

“That’s right, Fox. Apparently this mad scientist was actually onto something. He’d managed to create incendiary fast food. And the government is apparently ill prepared for explosive ordinance of the junk food variety.”

“Did he say WHY he wanted to make food that’d spontaneously combust? That sounds dangerous… and rather stupid.”

“That’s why they’ve been referring to him as a mad scientist, Fox. But, yes. And, strangely enough, he was quite chatty when I spoke with him about it. Apparently it was a topic he was very passionate about as he rattled on for quite a while. At one point he’d stated that, quote, ‘The point of chemistry is to PLAY GOD! I want to get all up in that, at the molecular level.’ end quote.”

“Sounds mad to me alright. But, Ann, how’d you get past all of the security?”

“Oh, that’s easy, Fox! I just talked with the local LEOs, and made a few convincing points, and they let me walk right in to interview the chemist. And the chemist was perfectly thrilled with the idea of being interviewed on his creation so he let me right in without a single exploding cheeseburger being thrown at me. Which, is a good thing, because these heels I’m wearing might be expensive, but they were made for aesthetics, and NOT spontaneous high velocity evasive maneuvers… like running away…”

“What ‘convincing points’ could you have possibly made that made law enforcement take such a risk with you, Ann?”

“Uh… Fox… remember we just talked about this… H R said I’m not allowed to talk about certain topics on air. They’re worried about fines.”

“Oh, right… message received, Ann. So, as you were saying about the chemist interview?”

“Right! So, here’s the scoop. He needed funds for his research and, well, in this economy he didn’t have many options. The whole world’s feeling the hurt. So he had to get creative. The chemist wanted to create a food that the denizens of hell would enjoy. His thought process was that since hell’s hot, and they’re used to the whole fire and brimstone dealie, that they’d enjoy food that was ALSO highly flammable. Kind of like a hellish comfort food was his idea. Hellish Homestyle is what he wanted the catchphrase to be.”

“I… can see the logic, Ann… but...”

“I know, right? Well, anywho, He did a lot of experimentation with various ways of making normal fast food more flammable. He wanted to get the process down before he bothered with the ‘little things like recipes’ as he described it. So he ordered out a lot, and used other fast food chain’s food as test material. His thinking, according to him, was that if he took tasty food that did well already, all he had to do was make it flammable and it’d be a hit in hell.

He was meticulous in his preparations, I’ll give him that. The plans and documents I’d seen were quite thorough. He even bragged about how he’d found, and used, a loophole with customs’ laws. Because his transactions wouldn’t violate the law because they aren’t from another country, but another plane of existence that the government doesn’t even acknowledge exists in the first place. Which, I’ve since found out, actually checks out… If it’s one thing hell knows: it’s LAWYERS.”

“Hah! Good one, Ann! But, the folks in the booth just asked me to ask you not to make fun at the expense of your coworkers.”

“What? If Larry has a problem, tell him to say something to me HIMSELF.”

“Okay, Larry’s behind the camera and just held up a sign that says, ‘Ignore them, they don’t speak for me.’ So I guess he’s fine with it.”

“Mmmm hmmm that’s right. Good boy, Larry... Wear that sailor outfit, and I’ll bring you something good to ‘eat’ when I get back…”

“Aaaaand he’s gone…”

“Hehehe… but not forgotten… Anywho… The chemist walked me through the chemistry and said the problems with the food being so volatile and spontaneously exploding was because of a chemical reaction that keeps making nitroglycerine as a byproduct inside the food.”

“Was it an unforeseen reaction that he’d missed in his planning stages?”

“Oh, no, Fox. He’s a very bright young man and he knew it would happen before hand just from the chemistry, but he was focused on results. So he took some advice of a military buddy of his who told him to ‘Deny, Deny, Deny!’ and basically just ignored the inconvenient facts as he was working.”

“That sounds counter productive, Ann.”

“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it? But the poor fellow’s whole project was a mistake from the beginning.”

“Agreed, Ann. So is there any indication on when all of this might be resolved?”

“Oh, it’s already been resolved. He’s in custody and law enforcement is in the process of carefully deconstructing the lab while Bomb Squad deals with the stockpile of fast food he created.”

“How’d they manage to get him out?”

“They didn’t, I did, Fox.”

“Wha- YOU? … Is this something you can talk about on the air or will we get fined if you do?”

“Oh, yes, it’s fine. It’s kinda sad actually. You see, after the interview I brought up that he had a major flaw in the logic of his plan. I told him that the denizens of hell ALREADY have flaming food. In fact, that’s pretty much ALL that’s down there. So it wouldn’t be something novel or tasty, it’d be bland and boring at best. And I’d pointed out that his food is so volatile, it wouldn’t handle the ambient heat and would simply explode before he got a chance to sell it, let alone anyone actually even eating it. And though it pained him, he could obviously see the logic in what I was saying. But, after I pointed out that a more sensible idea would have been to make things LESS flammable, flame retardant even, and not exploding… well… the poor boy got quiet, hung his head, and needed some time to himself.

I know a crushed soul when I see one, Fox, and his eyes looked like they’d been through a trash compactor.

I put my arm around his shoulders and walked him out to the police so they could arrest him, but I told them to be nice to him because he’s already hurting enough.”

“Well that is quite the tale, Ann! Thank you for your outstanding reporting and… single handedly stopping a multidimensional crisis of cuisine…”

“My pleasure, Fox, truly! But my tour of booty’s not over yet, there’s a line waiting for the personal interviews I promised earlier! Ann Chorman, signing off!”

“That certainly was an… interesting turn of events. Thanks again to our field reporter, Ann Chorman, for her impeccable job of getting to the heart of matters. You heard it here: a mad scientist turned ill advised restaurateur creates crimes against cuisine, and is foiled by reality and a plucky dedicated reporter down in Australia…

That’s it for tonight’s news. Thank you for joining us this evening on SPR Natural News. I’m Fox Nightly. Stay safe, and good night.”

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peculiar-shardscape · 3 years

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PAPER ROBLOX: TRUE SOULS AU

WARNING: SUPER FREAKING LONG AND ALSO PROBABLY REALLY BAD BECAUSE IM MENTALLY ILL AND I SUCK AT WRITING

”They always said, you can die a hero or live long enough to become a villain. But of course, I’m no hero. No, I never was. I could never be.”

[graduation photo of Claire]

“I’m just a regular mayor. I have no ‘special power’ or a way of saving others. I just watch the world do its own thing, and let it be saved by those with the ability to.”

[Claire is standing by a window, looking outside, there is Protagonist, watering the bushes]

“Being a hero is such a special thing. Everyone looks up to you like their saviour, keeping the world at peace and the monsters at bay. The heroes always win, they say. But how long will it be until ‘always’ ends...?”

Claire: aaAAUGGGGHHH!!

[Claire slams the desk with her fists, yelling angrily. She hides her head with her arms as Postman immediately walked into the room]

Postman: Miss...? Are you alright?

[Postman began walking over to Claire’s table as she brought her head up to look at him]

Claire: Postman... I didn’t mean to worry you, sorry.

Postman: Mayor, you’ve been like this for weeks now. You know it’s not something you should just keep to yourself...

[Claire frowned at Postman, sighing before eventually smiling]

Claire: You always worry, don’t you, Postman? You get yourself carried away by thinking more about others than yourself, heh! I’m fine, I assure you.

[Postman gave an uncertain frown, and Claire would notice quickly]

Claire: ... Come on, Postman. You’re giving me that look again.

Postman: You do exactly that, Mayor. You never care for yourself the way you do for others. I’m just looking out for you, Miss.

Claire: I know, I know... It’s just... You know, being a mayor and everything is just a lot of work, you know?

Postman: ...

Claire: ... That’s it, Postman. That’s all I’m worried about. There’s nothing more about me.

Postman: You say that all the time. Maybe work is stressful, but there’s more than that. I can tell. You’ve been acting like this since the world was saved.

Claire: When you put it that way...

[Claire stands up, giving Postman a very upset look]

Claire: You’re making it seem like I’m a bad guy who’s unhappy the world was saved.

Postman: ... I know. I’m sorry.

[Claire shudders while Postman looks down, arms crossed.]

Claire: ... Have you been talking to Aaron again...? You know I told you not to listen to his stupid rambling, right?

[Postman looked back up at Claire]

Postman: He knows more about this world than we do, Mayor. He may be a bother at the worst times, but he’s been my best friend since we were kids. Look, that’s not the point right now. I’m just worried for you, please take care of yourself.

[Postman made a turn, walking out to the exit. As the door opened, a glimpse of green was seen right before it closed. Claire grumbled, looking down at her desk.]

Claire: that stupid narrator has no idea what he’s doing.

[She stands up, walking out the same way Postman did. Both Postman and Aaron were nowhere to be seen. The robloxians were just roaming about, going on with their days like usual. Claire sighs, walking off. Seems like she was going out for a long walk, out of Cutout Town. Where could she really go though? After all the revamps, she hasn’t gotten used to the town since. She decides to just go on a straight path, so she can just go straight back without getting lost later.... Hopefully...]

[She was staring down at the ground, pondering over the town and what she’s supposed to be doing. She hasn’t done anything useful in so long, it’s like the world didn’t even need her. Without realising, she walked deep into an unknown forest, out of sight from all the robloxians around]

Claire: There’s no use for a mayor... As long as the heroes are there, they’re all everyone needs. Someone to save them and bring joy and peace. That’s it, isn’t it? For all these times without the heroes, I did as much as I could for everyone... All I could do was give everyone hope... But now I feel as though I’m losing hope for myself...

[She looks up. Where was she? She hadn’t a clue.]

Claire: ... This wasn’t here before... Where am I...?

[She looked around, analysing her whereabouts. She turned around, seeing as the exit of the forest was a long way away. She walked in a straight line, surely she could just walk straight back, right? So that’s what she did...]

[But it felt like she was going elsewhere... No signs of Cutout Town was anywhere, and the trees were so crowded and hard to see through. Claire surely couldn’t be lost... But of course she was. All the while she was wandering, she was straying further away from home]

Claire: Come on, Claire! How hard could finding home be? It should just be around this corner-!

[Claire would be cut off as she made a turn, tripping over some rocks on the floor and tumbling down a smooth slope. It’d only be a few seconds when she stopped stumbling, getting up to see herself in front of a very... Unique plant. Whatever it was, Claire had never seen it before. She approached the plant, but kept a distance in case of danger. The plant gave... A very strange aura... So cryptic yet... Welcoming... Claire’s eyes were on the plant, glued. Her mind went almost blank, with nothing more but a single train of thought... Was there a piece missing from her? The whole reason she’s never felt so important? ... And did the plant have anything to do with it...?]

[Claire stood closer to the plant. Her hand slowly moved towards it, without even a shudder. She finally took hold of the plant, and suddenly it entangled itself around her hand, her wrist, and past her arm. It felt nice, like it was embracing Claire gently. The plant finally found it’s way behind her ear, and a sweet pastel green flower petal or two sprouted out. Claire couldn’t see it, but she could feel it, and she had not felt any better. Her eyes widened with the sweet feeling, and she’d look around her surroundings again. She had a slight smile before running a certain direction, finally finding herself back in Cutout Town.]

[Nobody noticed her running out of the forest, nor did they even see her walk past them. But it seemed like Claire didn’t care. She just walked to the fountain, looking down at the water to see her reflection. Her eyes shone so brightly, and the petals behind her ear gave a nice look to her. She looked back up, seeing Aaron floating in the air, legs crossed]

Aaron: Howdy, Clairey. What you been up to?

[She didn’t respond. She just gave him a smile, but rather a friendly one, it gave off a... threatening feeling. Aaron furrowed his brows, raising on confused]

Aaron: ... You know... You can’t do any harm to a narrator, so whatever it is you’re thinking... It’s probably not going to work...

[Aaron would let out a quiet chuckle before his smile instantly fell]

Aaron: ... Speaking of which, what are you actually thinking...? Something’s blocking my way of reading your mind...

[Claire’s smile widened, and her eyes began glowing more. It started becoming... Very unsettling. Aaron would begin standing in the air, floating a little further away from Claire]

Aaron: ... You’re... Not Claire... Are you...?

#pinty prints #pinty rambles #pinty writes #HELP YOUR WIND MAGFE HERER #spr #super paper roblox #paper roblox #claire #aaron #postman #mayor claire #aaron o nare #au #ts au #true souls au #true souls

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