#the fucking mental gymnastics im playing every god damn day

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

mental illness is a rollercoaster and i want OFF

#shut up hanna #im like. im fine i actually am not mentally ill #i definitely dont have an eating disorder. i can have this *food i deem unsafe when deep in my ed* #and i eat it and im like see. i was faking #and then im panicking abt the fact that i can feel it in my body and i cant undo eating it #the fucking mental gymnastics im playing every god damn day #can it just be QUIET #and it sucks bc like. mental illness is becoming less stigmatized like depression/anxiety are taken very seriously as illnesses now #and its clear how prevalent they are in our generation #but no one relates to my degree of mental illness in my social circle. #like in my circle of supportive friends i have in person here. theres no one whos had an ed. theres no one with a mood disorder #theres no one with ptsd or cptsd. bpd. bipolar. none of it. and they care and theyre supportive. more than i deserve but #they dont Get It. like #dgmw theyve never been like. just eat its not hard. like they KNOW. but they dont understand why its as hard as it is for me #and like. this is a side thing but its kind of frustrating that every girl in the department (LITERALLY. all of them) #will say they have an ed like. im not gatekeeping or diagnosing its just. that's just not statistically possible yk #like. you can have severe body image issues. AND disordered eating. both of which are harmful and deserving of help #like when i told my roommate abt mine she was like. maybe i do too. and we talked for a looooong time abt it #and i knew she didnt but ill never invalidate someone. its just. its sometimes hard when ppl think they understand and they dont #(she also came to the conclusion she doesnt after talking w me abt mine and knowing im not even bad enough to be inpatient) #like i guess im glad in a way that what i deal with isnt the norm ? in the population yk. like #its good to know that what i deal with. bipolar and bpd and ptsd and my ed being the hardest to deal with. that they also #are like. not super duper common? like its kind of isolating but it is comforting to know that not everyone feels this shitty #all the time so stuff is way harder for me than other ppl lmao #anyway. i lost my train of thought