#the italia stuff came in 3 days. incredible

[eddie-rifff]

he cancelled. i shaved for nothing. cool

theres really nothing quite like the autistic rage one feels when a plan is cancelled at the last minute. a younger version of me would be crying right now. my ex best friend would cancel on me all the time and i had to brush it off to her in text but in reality id scream and cry in my room until i calmed down lol. i feel hot and have a headache from being so mad. like this would be absolutely no big deal if he had told me a few days in advance but the fact that he cancelled like as i was preparing to have him over just broke my brain. idk what to do with myself at this point. i wish i could cry honestly because then id get a sense of release but im not quite distraught enough for that. im even calming down a little physically like the adrenaline(?) is wearing off but mentally im still reeling.

#in other news my italia deluxe makeup haul came today! literally so fast #thrive causemetics took like at least a week #the italia stuff came in 3 days. incredible #AND #the lipsticks i got are AMAZING #some of the colors i dont love and will pawn off on my sister but #the formula....... bro......... #as always the eyeliners are great #luv u italia deluxe kiss kiss #a beast that can talk

[fioress]

chicago’s very own fiore gattuso has been spotted on madison avenue driving a 2020 bentley continental gt v8 in red , welcome ! your resemblance to lorenzo zurzolo is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty first birthday bash  . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re impatient , but being cunning might help you . i think being a libra explains that .  3 things that would paint  a  better picture of you would be bloodshot baby blue eyes, long drives without a specific destination, getting high by the beach. ( i have been conning money out of older women and men ever since my parents disowned me  ) & ( cismale + he/him  )

tw : abuse, homophobia

full  name : fiore emiliano luca gattuso ( first name pronounced fee-oh-reh, also see here! )

nicknames : fifi, emmy ( by people who know his middle name ), some people might say... flower boy ( fiore literally means flower in italian ) 😳

gender : cismale

height :  5 ′ 8

age : 21

birthday : october 14 , 1998

zodiac : libra  ( leo moon, aquarius ascendant )

right  handed  or  left  handed : left  handed

eye  color : baby blue

hair  color : basically dark blonde / light brown

piercing  &  tattoos : the libra symbol on his left wrist, a cartilage piercing on his right ear

languages  spoken : italian  ( native  tongue ), english, spanish, sicilian ( after many summers spent in his parents’ summer house in sicily )

sexuality : bisexual

place  of  birth : napoli, italia ( naples, italy in english )

last  3  songs  listened  to : dimmi che mi ami by dj matrix ( a full on fucking italian boy tbh ), talk is cheap by chet faker, west coast by lana del rey

character  inspo : maxxie oliver from skins u.k , adam groff from sex education ( think season 2 adam ), alyssa foley from the end of the fucking world, david rose from schitt’s creek, michael kelso from that 70′s show, a mix of nick miller & winston bishop from new girl, maeby funke from arrested development 

♡ so fiore was born to an american mother named lindsey harrison & a fully italian father named gian gattuso. his mother is a very well known politician & his father is heir of a very popular gas company, literally named gattuso gas ( yikes lol ). besides that, he is also a preacher. without saying much, his parents are very well off

♡ fiore grew up with anything he’s ever wanted ( materialistically, of course ). besides that, his parents genuinely weren’t the best of people. his mother stole millions from the so called campaigns she ran & was a generally very corrupt politician, his father treated his employees like shit & was a pretty hateful person altogether

♡ they were people who expected a lot out of their only son, which made fiore feel an insane amount of pressure from the very start. at a very young age, he showed characteristics lots of boys his age didn’t show. he did things like peeing while sitting down instead of standing up, preferred to play with dolls instead of ‘boy toys’, favored the color pink, got along better with girls, preferred to watch shows that were considered ‘girly’, etc etc. 

♡ they were very harmless things honestly, things that most parents would laugh about & turn a blind eye. however, fiore really wasn’t that lucky when it came to his parents. any time he would do anything his parents claimed a ‘normal boy wouldn’t do’, he would get a huge lecture & a beating to go with it. needless to say, he learned to hide a lot of who he really was from a very young age

♡ he did a lot of things to seek the approval of his parents. he wasn’t smart academically ( dumb boi 101 tbh ), but he tried to make them happy in other ways. fiore was never fond of sports at all, but he started playing tennis at seven years old, because it made his parents happy. truth be told, he hated tennis with every fiber of his being, but again, he did this, simply because it satisfied his parents 

♡ fiore grew up trying to be the perfect son, considering the fact his parents were very much in the public eye of everyone. it was all smiles for the pictures, but behind closed doors, he really wasn’t the happiest boy ever

♡ simply put, he has always known that he likes boys. he likes girls too, don’t get him wrong, but he knew, literally since he could remember, that he also had a thing for guys too. of course, he knew this wouldn’t settle well at all with his extremely strict & religious parents, so he buried his feelings incredibly deep 

♡ he has a lot of charm & wit & found himself getting into relationships quicker than most of his friends. he briefly dated a girl when he was fourteen, but it was when he was sixteen that things really began getting, dare i say, spicy?

♡ there was an american boy new to his very #elite school & if you guessed it, they began to date! yup, his first boyfriend at sixteen years old. fiore was basically living two lives at this point. at school, he was himself, loud & proud, but when he got home, the facade began. the way he would switch up as soon as he entered the front door to his house was honestly shockingly scary 

♡ he really felt himself falling in love with this boy even though they were both fairly young. they snuck around forever. when no one was home, he would sneak him into his room to have sex, sneak out of his house when his parents were asleep, all that fun stuff. their relationship was forbidden ( at least to fiore’s parents ). this is where it gets juicy af tho, hear me out 

♡ so one day, fiore & him get really really drunk & honestly? video record themselves having sex! 😊 they didn’t do this to post it anywhere or show anyone or anything, they really just did it for themselves. they made a few copies & kept it for themselves ( stupid boys, i know! ), but they really felt like they would get married & all that gooey lovey dovey shit so they did it because yolo i guess? this is where it gets peak #juicy

♡ so fiore & him are walking back from practice. this is a time where fiore knows no one is home & no one is coming home for a while, so when they get to his house & see his father’s car parked outside, he lowkey panics a little. of course he makes the guy leave & goes inside to see what’s going on

♡ his father asks him to come upstairs & surprisingly, leads him into his room. he says something along the lines of ‘i just want to show you this so i can hear your explanation on what the fuck this is’ & this is when fiore’s entire life practically takes a 360. his father turns on his tv & legit starts playing his sex tape with his boyfriend. just picture this though; your extremely religious & hateful father & you sitting on your bed, watching your gay sex tape with your boyfriend

♡ obviously, this news isn’t well taken by his father. to make a long story short, he gets his ass beat. like, literally almost dies type shit. when this happened, he was seventeen, almost eighteen. he knew if that was ever discovered by his parents, it wouldn’t go well, but he really didn’t think them discovering his sexuality would be that brutal

♡ his parents basically disown him at that moment. they bought him a ticket to chicago & told him they never wanna see him again. it’s sad, but he packed his things & left in two days to go live with his cousin in chicago. citizenship wasn’t a problem because he had dual citizenship due to his mother being american

♡ it doesn’t really take an expert to figure out that fiore did not take this move well at all. for months, he was really depressed. he wouldn’t go out & would just lay in bed for the longest time. he was really hurt by everything that happened & it took him a while to recover. he has also lived in italy his whole life & wasn’t really used to life in america at all, but after like the fourth month of just feeling sorry for himself, it was his cousin who snapped him back to reality

♡ slowly but surely, he began putting himself out there. his english honestly #sucked when he first got to america, but it’s gotten a lot better since then ( he still has a pretty deep italian accent though ). at first, he began working at a pizza place, but fiore slowly began to realize how much he despised working. his entire life, he received everything on a silver plater with pure golden spoons, so this? he was for sure not used to it at all. again, his life completely did a 360. he went from living in a three story mansion in the most prestigious part of rome to living in a very shitty part of chicago, broke almost always, & working a job he hated with everything he had, splitting rent with his cousin

♡ fiore did not want this at all for himself. it wasn’t until he went out clubbing ( fake id & all ), that one his friends showed him the wonders of conning people. they walked into the bar with twenty bucks and left with four thousand dollars 

♡ quickly, fiore began to learn his friends’ ways. his looks, personality & his thick italian accent helped him tremendously; it was like people literally couldn’t get enough of him. soon enough, he was conning & finessing the fuck out of older men & women for their money. he once walked into a casino with five dollars and walked out with over twelve thousand, & it was only because he stayed for like an hour only

♡ finessing people became a huge hobby of his. it was with all this money that he bought himself a luxury car & jump started his model & influencer career. it was also with this money that him & his cousin ditched chicago & moved into a much better apartment in new york. with his looks & persona, he gained followers like crazy & posted videos on youtube as well, getting sponsorships & recognition easier than he expected. he was literally living off his looks & his personality & honestly? he was here for it! 

♡ there is still a part of fiore that has a lot of issues & trauma. honestly mommy & daddy issues af, but he doesn’t talk about this at all. no one really knows how he came up or where his family is & he keeps it this way, dodging questions about his personal life as much as he can

♡ in a way, he is kind of relieved with everything that happened with his parents because now, he’s completely free to be himself & do whatever the fuck he wants, knowing very well they can’t really touch him now. of course, it still left a mark that he’s never going to be able to erase or forget ( both in his heart & on his body too ), but he feels free for once in his life & he’s honestly kind of happier now 

♡ relationship wise, he really doesn’t commit to anyone. after practically being forced to leave his now ex boyfriend at almost 18, he kind of feels like he doesn’t deserve love? it’s really fucked up but he’s genuinely convinced that no one is ever going to genuinely love him or want to be with him so he just avoids any romantic relationship of any kind, usually just hooking up with people & then leaving as soon as it’s over. the truth is that he really does want to be loved, accepted & cared for by someone he loves, accepts & cares for as well, but will it ever happen if he continues pushing people away? probably not tbh 

♡ he is a fucking drinker & hella pot smoker!! legit give him some alcohol & weed he’s happy. he always has either one on him, or both tbh 

♡ this is all that’s coming to mind rn but underneath is his bio!!

       fiore was born to lindsey and gian gattuso in naples, italy. from a very young age, he showed characteristics most boys his age didn’t show. he would pee sitting down, every time he would visit his cousins, he would rather play dolls with them instead of ‘boy toys’, favored the color pink, watched things that were considered ‘girly’, etc. of course, this never settled well with his extremely religious parents, and every time he would do something even remotely different than a ‘regular’ boy would do, he would get a huge lecture, and a beating to go with it. that being said, fiore was quick to learn to hide a lot of who he really was. he absolutely despised tennis, but he played it anyways, and he did it, simply because it made his parents happy. the gattuso’s had a ton of money, so he played tennis in nearly all of europe. he has always known that he likes boys, maybe even a little bit more than he likes girls. literally since he’s had a sense of judgement, he’s just known. of course, he kept this a secret, practically living a double life, being himself at school and someone completely different at home. it didn’t take long for him to get a boyfriend, and soon, he found himself slowly falling in love. secretly sneaking him into the house when his parents weren’t home to have quickies, holding hands with him down the school hallways, and even lying to his parents and telling them he was going going to tennis practice just to hang out with him. however, one mistake costed him, well, everything.

        they were drunk and goofing around, and decided to record themselves having sex. it was innocent and pure, both of them just making love to each other in the rawest, loveliest form. the two boys made copies of it, and fiore kept one for himself. one day, when he was trying to sneak his boyfriend into the house, he saw his dad’s car parked outside, which was odd because he was never home around that time. his boyfriend left, and he went to go investigate. his father was beyond calm, and bought him up to his room. his room. fiore was confused as his father told him to sit down on the bed, and soon, his worst nightmare became a reality. his father began playing his damn sex tape on his dvd player, and to say he was mortified was an understatement. he was humiliated, and most of all, afraid. it came without much warning, but soon, his father was throwing punches to his face, his stomach, everywhere, dragging him down the stairs just for it to continue. all he saw was blood. for the first time in forever, fiore truly felt like he had hit rock bottom. they took away his cellphone, any type of technology he had to communicate with was gone, and before he knew it, he was being shipped off to america, completely cut off by his parents.

        fiore definitely didn’t take the move so well. he was a depressed mess. he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep, and over all, just felt out of place. it took him a pretty long time, but eventually, he began adjusting. of course he was still super hurt over everything that had happened, his parents cutting him off, him being away from his now ex boyfriend, his first true love, but time luckily healed most of his pain, and soon, he found himself bettering his english, making friends, and fitting right in. at least he didn’t have to play tennis here. living with his cousin wasn’t so bad either. they constantly smoked, drank like there was no tomorrow, and he even managed to land him a job at a pizza delivery place. fiore hated this job though, but after a night our with friends, he found himself learning the art of conning and finessing older men and women. he does this like there’s no tomorrow, the money he made from all these schemes helping him jumpstart his career as an influencer and model, which bought him back to his typical luxurious lifestyle. fiore is just trying to get by, one day at a time.

extra spice:

#wealthyhq:intro #i rlly am a clown tbh LMFAOO

[faresramettas]

160219: skam italia x gay center event (part 1)

it’s going to be really hard for me to recap everything that happened yesterday, so i’m going to split this in two parts: one dedicated to the conference and one to the moment when we actually met them and took pictures etc. i’m sure all the things i’m going to report were already said yesterday in tweets and stuff but i wanted to have a place to write them all down cause my memory is so bad. warning: this got long.

the conference 

first of all, kudos to the gay center’s staff. so many people came they couldn’t fit them all in the conference room, so they decided to have a second shorter session so that no one would go home disappointed. they also said that afterwards we’d be able to take selfies and meet pietro, rocco and federico

spoiler alert: pietro, rocco and federico are literal angels. so sweet, funny, honest, humble, intelligent and well-spoken. ludovico bessegato is confident, smart and a savage. he dragged the whole fandom and yet we still love him cause he’s a genius

as soon as ludovico stepped on stage he made it clear that this was not an event about skam only and to please respect that. he said that they wouldn’t talk about season 3 and not to ask about it, and that’s why no info came out

the conference started with a presentation of the gay center. their representative introduced the work they do with the gay help line and talked about really heartbreaking cases of lgbt youth (12 and 14 year olds) who called to report violence from their own families. it was really hard to hear. they showed statistics of discrimination in italy and other data. their point was that skam s2 shows a positive reality where martino is able to come out to his friends and live his truth and his love, but unfortunately we have to be aware that these terrible realities exist too, especially in this country

the skam section started with a question to ludovico about his choice to include the voice messages in the first scene of s2. we watched that scene. he said he knew he wanted to do it from the start but recording and adding the voice messages was the last thing they did, one week before the release of the first clip. he came to the gay center in rome and met the young people and recorded the messages with them (i’m sorry, i’m not sure this is accurate) and he was moved to tears. that’s when he realized how important what they were doing with this season was. he said it was important for him, before showing the easiness of two people who can be together without external hardships, to start the season with the voice messages, as a reminder that these realities also exist

the host asked what was the most important thing for him, what he felt more responsible showing, and ludovico said for him it was the reaction of a group of heterosexual friends to one of their friends coming out. without dramatizing it or simplifying it too much. so the coming out with gio was the hardest scene cause there was a lot of weight on it. giovanni also had to be worthy of the moment. i loved this part: he said for him it was fundamental that giovanni touched martino right after his coming out, because it shows that nothing has changed between them, that they can still have a physical friendship, because so many times this doesn’t happen, straight friends pull back from/become less physical with their gay friends. their friendship not only hasn’t changed but is made more precious now

ludovico researched stuff like the gay street and grindr by experimenting them himself. he went to the gay street in rome and had a mission to get hit on (and he was lmao) and who did he meet that night? ROCCO, who went to the audition the morning after! incredible, he said he didn’t know rocco’s sexual orientation or anything but because he had seen him at the gay street he knew he could help give his input to the series, and of course pietro was precious as well to help with the representation

we watched the coming out scene and it was federico’s turn for questions (you could hear he had a cold, bb), the host asked him about how he felt/prepared for it and he said he felt a lot of pressure but he basically let martino lead him, he trusted his character that he had worked so hard on day after day and he also leaned on ludovico tersigni and bessegato. he hopes as many people as possible can relate to that scene, see themselves in it and live it

federico said the series enlighted him and made him reflect on lgbt themes and problems. he was never one to use homophobic slurs to follow the logic of the “pack” but it’s a thing, when you’re 15 or 16 you think you have to conform to what your friends say and do even if it’s harmful but this is why we have to spread awareness (”bisogna evitare il grigiume dell’uniformità” - we have to avoid the greyness of uniformity, he’s such a poet)

special mention to federico’s beautiful sweater, apparently he bought it in oslo, that sweater made his shoulders look even broader and it’s my new religion 

we watched the milan uramaki/wedding proposal scene and BITCH I HAD NEVER REWATCHED THAT PART CAUSE IT HURTS i swear we were all holding our breaths. that’s when the host asked rocco about gay marriage and he said italy is very late but at least we have civil unions now and it’s been hard fought for. it’s important to talk about gay marriage not so much for younger gens but for older generations. discriminations are always present so you can’t relax even when you reach a goal, you have to fight for the next one

when asked how he pictures his wedding, rocco said marriage is very far in the future for him, but whoever it’s going to be with his wedding is going to be very normal (”everyone naked is not a bad idea tho”) and y’all already know this part, he said he’s a person who’s experimented a lot and he HATES LABELS, for himself and for others (so maybe don’t call him pan king, u know what i’m saying). he’s experimented a lot and tried to figure out what he likes and he likes a little bit of everything (ME PIACE NPO DE TUTTO. i was there. i was there when he said that. iconic) he understands the need for labels cause they can help you identify yourself and give a sense of belonging but there’s also the risk that they can be too limiting

we watched fili’s speech and fede blew a kiss to pietro??? my heart

EMMA STA A ROSICA’ - cit pietro turano (emma is jealous af)

at this point besse DRAGGED US TO HELL AND BACK he said the fandom gets mad at emma and when characters say things that are wrong but it’s hypocritical (cause it’s a realistic show, no?)

he dragged the tumblr sjw politically correctness of fandom and something about how we all say we accept and love everyone but then WE are the first who feel the need to put labels on people and people in boxes. he said IT’S COOL TO HAVE NOORA’S QUOTE IN YOUR BIOS BUT DO ANY OF YOU ACTUALLY STICK TO ITS MEANING? YOU’RE THE FIRST WHO AREN’T KIND smth like that i swear i was a bit stunned

he also really didn’t like how everyone spoiled scenes and clips, ruining the experience for everyone while also creating false expectations, cause we expect things to happen and get mad if they don’t (ngl as a person who hasn’t watched the og i was like yeah tell em). idk, basically at the end of the speech all i got is that he’s an emma apologist

pietro said so many amazing things, like that when we have that moment of awareness, when we realize we are victims of behavioral schemes, prejudices and stereotypes deeply rooted in society, that’s when we can change the world. idk he’s seriously such a well-spoken smart person and he’s only 22

he also said in a video i have posted here that positive lgbt representations in tv shows/films are SO important for young people cause they need to see that there’s a positive reality out there for them too, that gay characters aren’t only the psychos, the ones who kill themselves or suffer

host dragged ludo for not including a beyonce song in the gay season but he said we can expect satisfactions from fili in s3

fede took the gay test and ludo told him the answers to get the totally hetero results, but when ludo took the test his result was Not totally hetero

rocco knows he looks like edward cullen, actually it was his first girlfriend when he was like 14 and before twilight was a thing that told him that he looked like cedric diggory aka rob pattinson. when twilight happened it all went downhill. the vampire outfit in the halloween clip was Not Casual. actually they had a line when someone told nico he looked like edward but it didn’t make the cut

fede said the hardest scenes, not because he couldn’t get in character but because of the expectations and pressures were the ones with mamma rametta (<333) and the coming out with gio. but the scene he hated the most was the i wanna be yours scene cause he said he went cross-eyed (è venuta di merda - it came out like shit)

host asked who’s top and bottom and they all laughed about it don’t worry (although i know someone asked again in the second session? and they said they switch idk, whatever)

at the end there was not a lot of time for questions but as soon as the host asked if we had any i IMMEDIATELY shot my hand up cause i thought i would regret it if i didn’t ask. so i stood up and pietro came to give me the mic (<33333333) and I WAS SO NERVOUS but i thanked them for all their work and then i asked rocco how he felt representing a character that’s not only lgbt but suffers from a mi, that he did a WONDERFUL job doing it because he helped so many people who suffer from bpd/mi to identify with niccolò (i accidentally said multiple personality disorder instead of borderline and i am so embarrassed but i swear. i couldn’t. think. i apologized too) if he felt he had more responsibility and if he could talk about the milan scene. he said he did feel a double responsibility and an additional pressure because henrik holm already did a splendid job, but he dealt with it like any other role, worked on the character like any other and tried to do it justice. he didn’t treat it differently. the milan scene was hard cause it was the very last one they did but they also had so much fun. he told us about bessegato pranking him and making him yell TABBBBASCOOOOO when he was running around naked in milan

i feel like i should mention that in the second session rocco said federico is a really good kisser (”bacia da dio” literally means “kisses like a god”)

that’s all i have and sorry this was so long. the conference was truly incredible. but meeting them afterwards was even more so and that’ll be part 2

#skam italia #i was so blessed to be there #text #this is long #incontro gay center

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam Italia episode 6 reaction

The Skam Italia team needs to set up an IG for Margot, run by Silvia.

Clip 1 - Eva and Martino

The setting is really incredible. Let’s appreciate how gorgeous Rome is.

Aside from Martino making fun of Eva’s friends, I like him as a character. I guess a lot of people don’t going off the comments for the videos? I think he has a friendly personality and these scenes with Eva have been some of the better parts of this remake. (Part of me is glad he’s the Isak, part of me wonders why they didn’t cast him as Gio. No offense to Gio’s actor or anything, I’m just feeling the Eva-Martino dynamic more. Though I heard that those two actors have known each other IRL since they were kids? I can see that they’re comfy with each other.)

A cat house is a great gift for Silvia! Eva is so thoughtful. I have been wondering if I should get one of those for my cats, but I suspect they would probably ignore it, or pee on it and then ignore it.

I would ship the hell out of Eva and Martino if I had no knowledge of this storyline. He’s adorable putting on the shark cat habitat and trying to make her laugh. It’s going to be such a downer what that thing happens. I can imagine that for viewers who haven’t seen Skam, it’s going to be a big shock.

“What would you do?” "You can’t ask me that, Gio and I are practically brothers” looooooool

Clip 2 -  Sneeze

“How can you tell if he came?” Oh my God. Someone educate this poor girl.

I really feel Eleonora’s frustration. Like it’s hard to demonize Silvia because I’d say it’s also Edoardo’s fault for being the experienced one and not using a condom, but the fact that they went to the clinic and everything is so aggravating. Because you want to protect your naive friend and keep anything drastic from happening, and it’s disheartening when you go to the lengths with her to protect herself and still it amounts to nothing.

Out of curiosity, how seriously do we take Vilde/Silvia’s comparison of an orgasm to a sneeze? Did she have an orgasm and that’s a naive girl’s way of describing it, or did she not come? It doesn’t make that much of a difference except perhaps how much effort William/Edoardo put into her enjoyment. 

Not even gonna lie, Edoardo has been my favorite William. I thought his hookup with Silvia and his meeting at Eva’s place was charming. So I’m predicting that they’ll make him the biggest asshole yet, sigh.

Awww, I love that Sana got a car. And what a moment of inviting Silvia when Silvia’s all “there’s no room for me” - Sana is truly a stand-up person, considering some of the awful things Silvia has said to her. And she didn’t know it, but it was at a moment when Silvia really needed some cheering up. They’re doing a nice job with the girl squad.

I read somewhere in the tag that the rapper they’re listening to is Muslim, so that’s a nice touch.

Instead of Edoardo getting out of his car in slow motion, let the girls pile out of this car with the wind blowing through their hair.

Clip 3 - Are you breaking up with me?

Again, the scenery and cinematography are gorgeous.

The music and acting got a little too soapy and DRAMAAAAA for me, although a lot of people liked it judging from the comments on the scene. I think I prefer this scene to be more understated because it’s not the lowest of the lows and it’s not the resolution of this conflict; it’s a temporary peace. Things are about to come to light in just a few scenes. 

Also because Giovanni is like ... not showing much hesitation/vulnerability in his lies, IMO, he’s fully committed to them. It works better for me when we can see this character faltering, because if he seems to have total conviction in his lies and is telling her she’s the crazy paranoid one, that ups the asshole factor. And well, because this would be a big romantic gesture, except I’m not feeling him and Eva as a couple.

I do like that they pulled away so we can’t hear their conversation, although I didn’t get the sense of a truce as much as I have previously.

But goddamn, look at that city. Major props to the production team for making the most of the setting.

Clip 4 - Are you stupid?

Silvia loving her cat house gift and showing her friends video of Margot playing with it … A+ quality content. I love this friendship squad.

I can think of what Federico wants for his birthday, Eva. Hmmmm.

Actually I would just get him a cat house to see his reaction. Seems like a crowd-pleaser.

That’s pretty interesting that Sana thought Silvia knew Edoardo was an asshole and she just wanted the D. 

They didn’t have the bit about guys only acting nice when they’re guilty or want to get laid - this conversation is strictly about Edoardo - so there’s not the connection between Eva’s situation with Giovanni and her mounting paranoia after they’ve just made up.

Clip 5 - Fancy party

That looks like one fun, aesthetically pleasing party. Good job, Federico.

Gio offers to go to the party if Eva wants, so a point in his favor.

Well on the one hand, Gio was a shady fucker up to now, so I can get why Eva has lingering suspicion. On the other, we didn’t get the bit from Sana about boys only being nice when they want something/are guilty, so it’s a little murky why Eva chooses now, after she’s made up with Gio, to go confront Laura. I guess Laura swinging away was just too much.

Despite his earlier and future sleaziness, Federico does a good job of being comforting when Eva is upset.

Here’s one thing I don’t quite buy, though - if this is Federico’s party, would Eva really not have noticed his girlfriend? Honestly, even in the other versions of this story, it’s a stretch that Eva wouldn’t know the super popular guy who she’s “stalking” has a girlfriend, and for that girlfriend never to be around him at parties, but I guess I can see it? But if this is Federico’s party, and all eyes are going to be on him - people will be making toasts and giving him gifts and stuff - wouldn’t it be easier to notice Alice possibly hanging around him and acting couple-y with him? People pointing her out? It’s not impossible or anything, they could have kept their distance at the party, just a little harder for me to accept.

At least Alice suspects what’s up, you can tell when she comes in. She almost seems too savvy to fall for her boyfriend’s BS.

Alice: “I’m gonna give you three free drinks and introduce you to two older friends of mine” Hell yeah, best Iben yet!

Aww, this Eva is really a sweet person. She wanted to accompany Silvia home once she saw the Edorado/random girl makeout session.

Wait, was that just an accidental eye lock, or was Silvia going to hook up with that other guy? The one with the thick eyebrows? Listen, I can see that going very poorly, and I don’t want Silvia to do something she doesn’t want, but if she can be with someone other than Edoardo in a good way? Yes please. Seize the day. (What if that’s Italian Magnus?)

Ahhh, I can’t believe Gio is just smoking weed. That’s so underwhelming! Eva already knew that he smoked weed. She didn’t approve but like … is this going to be that surprising even if he told her he stopped?

Not to mention he actually left her at the cabin to go smoke! There’s a huge difference between bringing the weed with you and leaving the cabin overnight in order to get high. WTF.

The backstory of her almost breaking up with him previously because he had smoked weed makes him even dumber. I guess I can see why he really didn’t want to tell her but ... I mean,, it’s anybody’s take on whether that was an extreme reaction on Eva’s part or not, but Gio knew this was something that was breakup-worthy to her, and he did it anyway, like ... whatever, Gio.

“What hurts is knowing you don’t trust me.” You were lying to her, dude. Repeatedly. Even when she confronted you about those lies. She has good reason to not trust you. At least he knows he has to earn her trust again.

Good choice to end on Eva crying.

General Comments:

Yeah, not to repeat myself too much, but Skam Italia has done a solid job with the girl squad and the Eva-Martino relationship, but the Eva/Giovanni ship is lacking for me.

Her acting can be shaky on a technical level, if that’s what you want to call it, but the Eva actress has made her very likable, very endearing. The writing has also given her extra moments where she’s very compassionate and considerate of her friends. 

Disappointed that Gio’s secret wasn’t something else but at least we can move on from that part of the story.

I don’t speak Italian, so if I misunderstood something or missed the context, feel free to correct me or elaborate.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#skamit reactions #skam italia reactions

[anavoliselenu]

freedom chapter 3

JUSTIN POV

"Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom."-Soren Kierkegaard

I tried fumbling with my tie for the tenth time and was unsuccessful once again. Carlisle had taught me how to knot a tie when I was four, and I had never forgotten. Now my mind was just too full and too crazy for simple motor functions. It was even hard to breathe.

I stared at myself in the mirror of the bathroom and tried to exhale the stress out of my shoulders. It didn't work.

We had been in Italy for about fifteen hours now and it was still sinking in that my life back on the island was over. My freedom was gone. On top of that, I had to attend my great-grandfather's funeral today, and re-meet my family for the first time in four years. To say it like that, it only made me more insane.

My sleep deprivation, coupled with the time difference, and the impending sorrow of the day was making me slightly irritable.

Selena and I occupied a large hotel room in a modern, posh establishment, right in the heart of Rome. Alec was, of course, with the family a floor below who were happy to see him, as he told it. He came to see us early this morning with all the details.

Everyone was sad, but fine. He said they looked tired.

I didn't know if we should be springing my arrival on them like this, but Carlisle thought it might be better to just get it out in the open. After the funeral, I would be able to talk with them. I had no idea what I was going to say. I was going to take it one step at a time.

But first, I had to get through this fucking funeral.

I had been to maybe one hundred in my lifetime. With the sort of existence we lived, it was a given that people were going to die. We usually went to funerals out of respect. A friend or colleague dies, you go see his burial. It was simple. But nothing would be able to prepare me for this day.

How was I supposed to react to this? My grandfather, the man I looked up to most—the man who raised me to be who I am today—was dead. I never in my life thought I would say that. Hell, it was almost predetermined that I was going to die before him. I should have died before him. According to everyone but a select few, I had died before him.

The core of our family was gone. I knew we were strong enough not to crumble, but it was still slightly strange. It was almost like sailing in pitch black darkness without a lighthouse. Who would I call when I was pissed at Carlisle? Who was going to give me straightforward, honest answers to my questions? Who was going to kick my ass when I was fucking up? That was always Nicola's job.

Granted, I hadn't spoken to the man in years, but that couldn't be helped. It was just nice to know that he was out there if I needed him. Now he was gone.

I took a deep breath to steady myself and attempted again to work my tie into the appropriate position. I didn't accomplish my goal and ended up looking more disheveled.

Like the angel that she was, Selena glided into the bathroom and took over for me, nimbly fixing my tie without a word.

We had gone shopping last night, and Rome boasted some of the best fashion in the world. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that Selena would actually take advantage of it. She was in a simple black dress with capped sleeves that was hugging her body and really high black heels. She picked it all out herself. Her hair was down, over her shoulders and her face was soft with minimal makeup.

"What?" She asked.

"Nothing. I just can't help looking at you."

Selena smiled, showing a perfect row of teeth, "You're getting very good with your words. I think this new, more vocal Justin is a keeper."

"The more vocal Justin is bound to get in more trouble."

"That's true."

Standing in front of me was a woman, not the girl I met four years ago and I loved her now more than I did then. Of course, that brought up the question of marriage. Isn't that what people did when they were in love? According to societal standards, I was supposed to have a ring on my finger and 2.5 kids by now. I was behind.

I really did plan on marrying Selena one day. It was different now that I was older and could realize that marriage wasn't the end of the world. I wasn't sure exactly how I was supposed to be a good husband, though. Selena was the only person that made me doubt myself and the thought of being her spouse just complicated things in my head. To be honest, it wasn't the marriage itself that bothered me as much as the actual wedding did.

Fucking suits, fucking white dresses, fucking cake, fucking first dances, fucking wedding…

My stomach churned just thinking about it.

But I did understand her point of view. Most women thought about that stuff, right? They wanted the big wedding with the flower girls and soft strings playing in the background, and a nice reception.

Disgusting.

I don't know why I had such an aversion to that stuff, but I couldn't help it. I guess I was just programmed that way. I would suck it up for Selena. Did she want all that? I was afraid to ask.

"It's so weird seeing you in real clothes," I stated and wanted to mentally slap myself. I was working on being more romantic. Out of all the things I could say to her, that was it?

Stupid, Justin!

She snorted in laughter. "I was going to say the same thing to you. This suit is nice."

"Armani, of course."

"Of course." She finished with my tie and fixed my jacket, "You look incredibly dapper and handsome."

After all that time on the beach, wearing bathing suits and shorts, seeing myself in a suit was kind of a shock. My black get-up was nicely pressed and had the smell of new fabric. I hadn't worn something like this in years, and I tried to roll my shoulders around, getting the feel for it.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked unexpectedly.

"Sure," Her face started to move towards mine.

Our lips met and as they always did, connected with a spark that I would never tire of feeling. My hands wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer. Today was a day for soft kisses and the sexual fire stayed at bay because we both knew we didn't have time for anything more. When she moaned and her hands traveled up my chest, I pulled away.

She was gloriously breathless, as was I.

"You still make me melt." Selena whispered, "I can't help it."

"Good," I smirked, "You're falling for my plan nicely."

"I've already fallen." Selena kissed me once again before pulling away completely, "How are you doing?" She asked, looking at me in the mirror.

"I'm waiting for it to hit me. Shouldn't I cry?" I reached for the bag on the counter and took a couple anti-anxiety pills.

She shrugged. "Some people don't. I remember when we went to Grandma Swan's funeral, Charlie didn't produce one tear. He cried more when he closed his finger in the car door."

"Nicola wouldn't want me to cry. He'd tell me to celebrate his fucking life because he was better than God." I chuckled at the memory of him actually uttering that phrase a couple of times.

"Is it going to be a big funeral?"

"Probably. Everyone loved him, even his enemies; they couldn't help it. He lives in this town about an hour outside of the city called Montecello. He was the mayor for years and built that area. They're all rich because of him. I heard they had a small ceremony in Sicily yesterday, though."

"That's where he was originally from?"

I nodded. "He said he would never go back there, even if we dragged him. In Sicily, he grew up poor as shit and hated it. After he made all of his money in Chicago and retired, he moved to Montecello, but he traveled everywhere."

"I only knew him for a short time, but he made me feel like family. I'm sorry you lost him." She ran her hand up my arm and gave it a squeeze.

"He was a good man to his family."

My phone in my jacket pocket vibrated and I picked it up, seeing a text message from Carlisle. They were leaving now and there was a car waiting for Selena and I downstairs.

"Is it time to go?" she asked.

"Yup. Let's get this over with." I fixed the small piece of hair that was astray and had been annoying the hell out of me since I got out of the shower, making myself perfect.

We took the elevator down to the first floor. The ride was excruciatingly slow, but when the doors finally opened, I didn't even want to get out. Selena had to take my hand and drag me across the marble floor of the hotel lobby, which was buzzing with people.

We got into the backseat of a town car that was waiting where Carlisle said it would be. It pulled out into the streets.

It was a warm and sunny February day. I rolled the windows down to let the air flow through the car, and Selena kept a tight hold on my hand for the whole ride. As we went further into the countryside, childhood memories began to flood back into my mind.

I spent every summer here until I was twenty-one, and I even completed a semester at the local university in business school. Nicola took all of us in and taught us what he knew, but I don't think Jasper and Emmett looked up to him like I did. He was my mentor, whereas they were more in line with Carlisle's methods.

The rolling hills just made me remember him more. There were days when I spent hours running through those hills. I'd be so tired, Nicola had to push me home.

"This place is stunning," Selena said from next to me, her face almost pressed against the glass of the window.

"I know. I have a house about two hours from the coast if you ever want to come back."

"You have a house here?" She looked at me with wide eyes.

"Well, it's in the opposite direction, but yes."

"I never knew that."

"I'm sure I told you."

"No, I would remember that. I would demand to visit a place like this."

"Well then, we'll have to come back," I promised, "during a happier time."

"We should have come here to hide out." She gazed at the knolls of the countryside again.

"I wish."

The drive took longer than I remembered, but I soon saw the small town of Montecello begin to appear around us.

It was one of those places that was left untouched by modernity and kept the unique, Italian feel about it. All the elderly women still told fables and made rich marinara sauces that burned your tongue but you'd be willing to die for. To someone looking in from the outside, the small bubble that the city lived in could only come out of a movie.

Today, even though the sun was shining, you could definitely tell that an emotional depression had hit the town. All the windows were covered in black, the shops were closed, and the streets were bare of people. Nicola Rossini's funeral was something that called for complete attention. Nothing was going to disrupt this day.

The one thing that I could count on was that the massive, Catholic church would be the only place with any kind of activity. The parking lot was so full that we had to park a couple blocks away. It seemed like people from all over had come for this.

Selena and I purposefully arrived late so that we didn't attract any attention.

I helped her over the cobblestoned streets on our way to the church. I could hear music without even opening the door and saw that people were already forming a processional to make the long walk to the gravesite after the funeral.

In the vestibule of the church, large vases of flowers overflowed the tables, and the red carpet under my feet dented softly as I walked towards the large oak doors of the sanctuary.

"Wait, Justin." Selena pulled me back. "We have to sign this." She pointed to a guestbook near the door.

"Oh." I looked at the thick book, which had pages upon pages of people's messy scribbling. Some were in Italian and some were in English.

"What should I say?" she asked me.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. Never once, during all the funerals that I attended, had I signed a guestbook.

She thought for a long second, biting her lip softly, before taking the pen and quickly writing something that I couldn't make out over her shoulder. She turned the page and handed me the pen.

"Can I read what you wrote?" I asked.

"No," she shook her head, "it's embarrassing."

I was really curious, but spent my time thinking about what to say instead of arguing. It took me a couple of seconds before I figured it out. I remembered Nicola's toast that he would always say at birthdays or weddings or family gatherings. It was simple, but got the point across.

I wrote it in Italian.

Avere una famiglia significa avere qualcuno da amare, avere una casa significa avere un posto dove andare, averli entrambi è una benedizione.

Having someone to love is family, having somewhere to go is home, having both is a blessing.

Even though Nicola was the most ruthless man I knew, he loved his family and wasn't afraid to show it.

I drew the Bieber family crest under the quote—which consisted of an eagle, perched on a crescent moon, and signed it: E.A.C.—Justin Anthony Bieber.

"Okay, we can go in now." I put the pen down next to the book.

Selena fixed my tie one more time before I opened the door. The sanctuary was packed to the walls. There were seats available in the back, but many of the old, devout Catholics liked to stand out of respect. Selena and I took a seat in the very last pew.

There was a priest up front, talking in rapid Italian and crossing himself multiple times. Everyone was in black and sniffles filled the air around us. A large, closed casket was behind the podium, swarming with flowers and wreaths. There was a choir who sang the traditional funeral songs, but I wasn't listening. I was searching the crowd for my family.

There were probably about three hundred people packed into the small church, so it wasn't easy, but I found them when I saw Alec's blue eyes suspiciously looking behind him from the front row. He spotted me and mouthed some words. I couldn't make them out.

I snapped my fingers in the air, and he abruptly turned around.

I let my eyes travel down the same pew he was in and saw that he was seated next to a rigid Carlisle. Next to him, I saw the shaking shoulders and auburn hair of my mother. I had to catch my breath at even the site of the back of her head. I didn't know why, but I suddenly got kind of lightheaded.

I shook my head to clear it and searched for everyone else.

Alice was sitting next to Esme, with a big ass black hat that was almost the size of Saturn. She had her arm around Esme, and it looked like they were both crying. Jasper sat next to her and the first thing I noticed that his hair was cut shorter, almost like it was in high school. Then there was Rosalie who was, of course, not paying attention. She was fixing her hair. I figured after all this time, she would have grown up some. Obviously not. Emmett was next and his massive body took up the space of two, but his suit was tailored perfectly, which was always an issue I had with him. He never cared about how his clothes fit, and it pissed me off. I see that he had taken my advice to heart now.

I was surprised to see his large arm comforting the tiny body of none other than Cici.

My grandmother is here? What the hell's really going on?

It must be some practical joke. I was further thrown into confusion when I saw her crying.

"This is the most peculiar funeral I've ever been to," I whispered to Selena who was examining the family as well.

"Everyone seems so filled with emotion."

"Nicola affected people that way."

The service dragged on for another two hours. Carlisle made a speech, the mayor made a speech, friends made speeches, and other people just cried. All the Catholic traditions were kept, and the Bible scriptures that people read sounded like they were from the heart. I had never seen so much sobbing. Selena even choked out a couple of tears, but wiped them away quickly.

I was oddly detached from it all. Shouldn't I be feeling some form of sorrow? I felt fine. I had no tears to produce and was actually kind of bored. Maybe I needed to be closer.

When the priest finally wrapped things up, I was exhausted.

Starting from the front pew, everyone stood up and walked up to the casket, dropping a flower at the foot of the podium. My family was first, and Emmett had to practically carry Cici up there. One by one, they came up the aisle of the church, headed towards the doors.

Of course, Selena and I just had to sit in the spot where they could see us the best. They were preoccupied with getting out of the church quickly to notice, but it was a close call. We had to duck out heads secretively so that they didn't know who we were. They came so close that I could smell Esme's perfume and actually felt the fabric of Rose's dress when it brushed up against me.

Alec was the last in the group and slapped the back of my head in jest on his way out. He was going to get his ass kicked for that.

Slowly, everyone else in the church did the same thing and dropped a flower at the front of the church. The pews began to evaporate of people, and they all went outside into the sun to wait for the casket to start making its journey to the cemetery. The altar boys were waiting to carry it and had their heads bowed in reverence.

Selena and I were literally the last two people in the church, waiting until the casket was carried out before moving. We didn't have any flowers to give.

We stayed in the back of the immense group that started making its way down the streets.

"I can't believe we were that close to them," I said quietly as I put on my sunglasses.

"I thought they could see us for sure."

"They were kind of preoccupied, but I could actually smell them."

"I know." Selena took my hand.

"What did you write in his guestbook?"

"Nothing special. I only met him once and just thanked him for being so welcoming to me."

"He told me that he thought you were one hell of a woman."

She laughed quietly, "I wished I knew him better. How are you holding up?" That was about the fifth time she asked me that today. It was starting to get on my nerves, but I would never tell her.

"I'm fine," I replied honestly. "I can't wait for this day to be over though. Then we can start moving forward."

"You haven't cried yet," she pointed out.

"Did you expect me to?"

"Well… no, but maybe you should. It might be healthy to cry."

"I'll be okay."

The man in front of us whipped his head around and glared at me. His southern Italian accent was thick as he spewed, "You need to shut up. I have listened to you talk for the last two minutes and it's getting on my nerves."

"Fuck you," I snapped. "Walk faster if you don't want to listen to my conversation. No one asked for your comments."

"Nicola would be ashamed in the both of you."

"Fuck. You." I said slowly.

"I'm so sorry, sir." Selena interjected, squeezing my hand tightly.

"Don't apologize to him." I told her.

"This is a funeral. Have some respect." He squinted angrily.

"So says that man who showed up drunk." I could smell the wine on his breath from here and he was wobbling a little.

"It helps me cope." He choked out as if he was about to cry.

A lady, who must have been his wife, turned him around and they walked up ahead.

It was quiet the rest of the way to the cemetery. I just listened to the sound of hundreds of feet crunching on the pavement. Like a herd of cattle, we shuffled through town with heads bowed and sniffing was the dominant sound. All this emotion was making me highly uncomfortable. Everyone was bumping into me and I had to stop myself from yelling. Thankfully, people began to trail off down side streets and into their houses as we passed them. The group got smaller with each step.

The Montecello cemetery was so big that it covered a couple acres on the far side of the town and white headstones stretched back forever. There were large iron gates that climbed upwards at the entrance and everyone stopped. Only family was allowed at the burial, per Nicola's request. He once told me that he didn't want outsiders there at his weakest moment.

The gates were closed with a clang and by this time, there were only about fifty people waiting at the entrance. Selena and I had to watch as Carlisle and everyone else in the family kept walking down the path of the cemetery towards the back.

I shuddered at the eerie feeling that crept up my spine.

"We can't go in?" Selena asked.

"No. That would be too close. I'm supposed to be dead, remember?"

I checked my watch and noticed that it was actually time to go. Selena and I walked back to the car and whisked up the street, out of town.

Nicola lived in a large, sprawling estate on the outskirts. It was the biggest mansion I had ever seen in my life, which actually comprised of a couple houses all strung together. Nothing had ever compared to it I think he owned something like six hundred acres. I wasn't sure about the square footage of the house itself, but I'm sure I wouldn't believe the number anyway.

I could see what Carlisle was talking about when he said the place was somewhat destroyed. The outside was still standing but looked like someone had tried to light it on fire. There were deep scorch marks all over the façade but the beauty of the mansion could still be seen.

"Oh my God," Selena breathed in wonder as we pulled into the back driveway. "This is ridiculously beautiful."

"I know. He never skimped on money. He loved to spend. He built this thing, but I don't think he ever stayed more than a couple months here."

"What reason would one man have to own all of this?"

"It's a kind of 'my dick is bigger than yours' type thing." I helped her out of the car, which was now parked.

"Men are weird." She scrunched up her nose.

"Yes, we are."

Don't ask me how he got there because I didn't know, but as soon as I opened the back door, Carlisle was pulling us up the stairs of the house. We passed cleaning crews who were picking up the wreckage of the house. The inside was chaotic with mess and it hurt me to see the piano, which I had played on as a child, destroyed to splintering wood.

"Everyone else will be here shortly. I said I had to leave early to settle things with the will." Carlisle spoke quickly and quietly after shutting the door to a large office-type room on the third floor.

"Do they suspect anything?" Selena asked.

"No, thank God. I don't know how I've kept this up for so long. I take it you've seen them already?"

I nodded. "Even Cici."

"Surprisingly, she's quite torn up. Who would've known?" He looked out of the window. "They're here. I'll bring Esme in last so you can talk to everyone else first. She's going to be the tough one to win over."

I stood up straighter, preparing myself for the bombardment of awkwardness that was sure to come. Selena and I didn't say anything until Carlisle shut the door on his way out.

"Do you have a speech prepared or something?" She asked me.

"No, I figured I would just let them talk first. Maybe they'll think I'm some kind of magic trick."

"Well, unlike you, I'm alive and have to think of something to say. I just don't know how they'll react."

I almost stopped breathing when I heard footsteps in the hallway a couple minutes later. Selena and I looked at each other with anxious eyes. She shuffled up next to me.

This is it.

"Carlisle, what is this?" Alice's squeaky voice asked. "I have to help Esme get things ready for dinner."

"I need you to see someone first," he said.

"When are we going back home?" Emmett croaked. I could tell that he had been crying.

"In a couple of days," he replied shortly. "Come inside."

The door opened and Alice was the first one to come in, tripping over herself. Jasper reached out to catch her before she fell.

"Oh, my. I'm all clumsy today." She smoothed out her clothes.

The world slowed down to a snail's pace. The first eyes I saw were Rosalie's. Everyone else's followed. They stopped moving when they realized that there were two people were standing in front of them… and one was supposed to be dead.

There was a mixture of fear and confusion in all their faces. Alec brought up the rear, but stayed in the corner, not daring to speak. They all looked the same; iridescently pale, beautiful in their own way with strong faces and distinguished stances.

I let out a deep breath at the sight of my brothers. We were finally all in the same room, and I felt stronger just being in their presence. It was no secret that we all worked better as a single unit. Being without them was weakening. I felt like I had my strength back somehow.

No one moved. All their mouths were opened and I almost saw the blood drain from their skin.

"Carlisle, what's going on?" Emmett asked, his voice low and strangled.

"So…I think we need to talk," he said.

"Is there a ghost in this house?" Emmett's mouth hung open. "I think there is because you're supposed to be dead!" He pointed at me.

"Well… I'm not." I shrugged.

"No shit." Jasper stepped forward. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came for the funeral."

"You came for the funeral?" Emmett mocked me. "Is that all you have to say after two fucking years in the grave?"

"What did you expect me to say?" I was already getting too defensive. I really wanted to try and keep the peace, but…well, I've never been good at backing down when someone shouts at me. It's a curse.

"Okay, let's calm down." Carlisle stood in between us.

"What's going on?" Rose blinked rapidly. "I think I see him, but that can't be him…"

"Oh, it's him," Emmett scoffed. "That fucker faked his death. Classic Nicola move." He started to pat himself down for what I assumed was a cigarette or maybe a gun.

"Selena, did you know about this?" Alice asked her.

She nodded. "We've been hiding away for the past couple of years."

"I don't understand," Rose stated.

"We were hiding," I repeated. "I was being hunted, so my wonderful and gracious father decided to ship me off to Brazil. Selena's been with me for the past two years since she got out of jail."

There was a lot of talking all at once. Actually, it was more like shouting. Everyone had something to say, except Alice and Selena. They just stood there, looking at each other while the commotion exploded around them.

The main person who was trying to yell at me was Emmett. I didn't really understand what he was saying through the cigarette in his mouth, but it was evident from his red face, he was not pleased. Jasper was trying to get answers out of me, which I didn't really have. Rose was, of course, just talking shit. Alec and Carlisle were trying to keep everyone calm. It wasn't working.

"You knew, didn't you?" Jasper turned on Carlisle. "How could you not tell us?"

"I was protecting you all. Your brother was in a bad situation; what would you have me do?"

"I expected you to trust us enough to say something," Emmett yelled. "This is bullshit. Our whole family was hurting because of this and you knew the whole time."

"I had to make a choice."

Emmett pointed at me. "You could have called, wrote, something. I couldn't eat for months after…" He let out a deep breath.

"Even though I didn't agree with how Carlisle handled the situation with Selena, I didn't have a say in the matter. Talk to him!" I barked.

"You should have told us!" Emmett took a step towards me.

"It wasn't my job to inform you about what was going on. I had to make sure Selena and I were safe."

"Justin, you're excuses are shit." Jasper suddenly shoved me…hard.

My stance wasn't prepared and I fell over the desk, landing on the floor with a thud.

Selena was at my side in a second, "Are you alright, Justin?"

"Selena, give me your purse." I growled.

"Why? What are you going to do?" She asked worriedly.

I snatched it out of her hands and grabbed the handy pocketknife that she was never without. I took off my jacket and prepared for battle.

"Stay on the floor because I don't want you to get involved in this." I instructed.

"Justin…"

I shot up from the ground and didn't even think as I switched the blade open with a flick of my wrist. I charged Jasper and he maneuvered easily away from me, but I was quick on his tail and chased him around the room, ready to stab the shit out of the bastard.

"Don't run from me!" I almost caught him, "We're not kids, Jasper."

"You're lucky I don't have anything to beat you with." He ridiculed me, "Just wait until I have a fucking bat in my hands."

"Justin, stop this." Carlisle shouted.

Jasper jumped over the table, with surprising agility, and stared me down, "Are you going to stab me, brother?"

"You bet your ass I am." I gripped the switchblade tighter in my hands, determined not to just throw the thing.

"Can't we be civilized?" Emmett pushed Jasper into the far corner, "We need to have a conversation, not kill each other."

Selena's small hands quickly took the knife out of my grasp and quickly disabled it, "Don't ever take my switchblade again. You have too many anger issues to use something like this. You could have stabbed everyone in the room."

"He fucking pushed me." I ran my now free fingers through my hair, willing myself to calm down.

"From your own words, we're not kids, Justin!" Jasper bellowed from across the room.

Selena put her hands on my chest and the touch immediately worked wonders, cooling my fiery anger, "Not here. Now's not the time. You can kill him later."

"Promise?" I darkly chuckled at the prospect of me choking the hell out of my brother.

"I promise. Everyone needs to talk first. Please calm down." She softly placed her lips at the base of my neck. She quickly handed me two anxiety pills that I dry swallowed.

The room was starting to cool and I could tell that Jasper wanted to say something, but Alice was talking quickly and quietly, trying to calm him as Selena was doing with me.

"I was doing what I thought was best," Carlisle told us all, "I knew it was going to cause this divide, but it had to be done."

"And you kept this from Esme?" Rose asked, disgusted. "I can't believe you."

"Okay, let's just breathe," Alec said, trying to be the peacemaker.

No one spoke, but we glared at each other with deadly eyes. Emmett and Jasper, especially, were starting holes into my suit. They should be directing their anger at Carlisle. He was the leader of this family. I fought him as much as I could, but when he commanded you to do something, you can't say no. It was how it had always worked. I could fight as much as I wanted, but at the end of the day, Carlisle had the final say.

"I did what I did to protect this family," Carlisle said without a hint of regret. "I know it hurt us all, but I had to protect Justin."

"It's always about Justin," Jasper squinted. "We were a family. You shattered us."

There was more silence. I really didn't have anything to say to them at the moment. If they wanted to bitch at me for something I couldn't control, let them.

"And what do you have to say for yourself?" Rose asked Selena rudely.

Selena calmly glowered at Rosalie with intense eyes "Don't start with me. Just don't. Out of all the people in this room, I should be the one shouting and yelling at the top of my lungs, but I'm not."

"I was your friend, Selena. You should have told me where you were or what was going on."

"My friend? You didn't visit me at all for that last year. None of you, for that matter, came to see me while I was rotting away for your fucking sins. I've forgiven everyone, but that doesn't mean I have to forget." Selena's voice was hard with pent-up anger that was bubbling towards the surface.

Alice, Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie all had to bow their heads in shame for that. I didn't know much about what happened when Selena was in jail because she rarely talked about it, but she was pissed at how abandoned she felt by everyone. They left her, just like I had, but they hadn't received her rage yet.

"You have the nerve to stand there and judge Justin for not calling or telling you he was okay? Where was my fucking call?" she said crossly. "I sat in that jail and could have ratted you all out, but I didn't because I care about this family. I really do, no matter how stupid that may be."

They didn't have anything to say.

"Get the fuck over it. The only one who has the right to be angry here is Esme. That's a different story on its own, but you know Carlisle would have done the same for any of you. He was protecting Justin."

"Selena…" Rose began.

"Shut up!" She shouted.

It was now my turn to calm her and I softly undid her fingers from around the knife, which was shaking in her hands. I put it in my pocket for safekeeping.

"We thought he died," Emmett said softly, still not looking at Selena. "We thought we lost him."

"You have no idea what I lost. I needed a family after…" Selena bit her lip, willing herself not to go further, but I could tell what she wanted to say. "We all hurt, but we need each other now. Obviously things aren't going as well as they should be. Nicola is dead and he wouldn't want to see us like this. We don't need to be fighting right now."

The first one to actually take a real breath was Alice as her eyes shifted to Selena. She took off and made it across the room in a second, grabbing Selena's body and pulling it towards her.

"I really missed you and I'm sorry for not visiting. I know that's no excuse, but I was scared, Selena. We all were. I can't believe this. It's so good to see you." She said all in one exhale.

"Hi, Alice." Selena embraced her back. They held onto each other tightly for a couple of seconds. "I've missed you too."

"You just left. We never even got to say goodbye." Alice pulled back, wiping her face.

Selena nodded. "Alec didn't give me much time before he kidnapped me and took me to Brazil."

"Alec knew about this too?" Jasper spun around. "I thought you were in fucking boarding school?"

Alec pointed at Carlisle as a response.

"This is ridiculous." Emmett stubbed out his cigarette on the wall.

"Are you guys back for good? Why are you here?" Alice asked.

"Carlisle called." Selena shrugged as if that answered everything. "He said we needed to be together."

Alice looked at me over Selena's shoulder. "It's nice to see you."

"You too, Alice." I nodded. She was actually one of the few people I could stand in the world.

"Can I hug you?" She asked.

I chuckled, "Yes."

She ran towards me and her arms were like vice grips on my body as she squeezed the life out of me. It was almost painful. I hugged her back.

The anger from everyone started to dissolve and after Alice let me go, I was suddenly in the arms of my oldest brother.

"You sick son of a bitch." He lifted me off of the ground. "I always knew you weren't dead."

"Oh, really?" I rasped out.

"Yeah," Emmett set me down, "you wouldn't go down like that. I'm still pissed at you, but I'm happier that you're back."

"I would have called if I could," I admitted.

He clapped my shoulder. "I can forgive you because truth be told; I know I would have done the same thing. Oh, and look…tailored suit."

"I saw that. It looks nice." I checked the label in the back.

Armani.

Jasper took his place and eyed me suspiciously. "Is it really you?"

I showed him my palm with the deep, healed cut that was made when I turned thirteen by the same dagger that made the identical scar on his own palm.

"I'm not so easy to convince as Emmett is. You don't have my forgiveness just yet." He shook my hand like this was a business proposition.

"I wasn't looking for your forgiveness," I said.

"I know." He shrugged. "Just give me some time to think about this. It's been so long without you, I forgot what it was like to have three brothers instead of two.

"I know what you mean."

"We're just shocked." Rose surprisingly embraced me without an acidic tone. "How did you expect us to react?"

I didn't have an answer for her.

"I'm glad you're back, Justin. It's been hell without you."

Alice was bouncing and clapping her hands wildly. "This day started off so sad, but now look. We're all back together. Back from the dead, and back from… Well, wherever the hell Selena was."

"How about we sit down and talk?" Carlisle suggested, pointing to the chairs around the room.

It took about an hour for me to really explain in detail what had happened when Jacob was first coming for my blood.

They knew that Carlisle shipped me off to Switzerland since I was in contact with them for about two years. They heard my screams and shouts when Selena wasn't released from prison and up until that point, all the gaps in my story were filled.

It got rather complicated when I came back here to get Selena. I was actually in Chicago for about a week. No one knew that besides Carlisle. He was trying to calm me down, but nothing really worked. I was still planning on releasing Selena from jail. When it was clear that I wasn't going to deter my plans, I was forced out of the country. I don't even remember it. One minute, I was in his office, and the next I was on a plane to Brazil.

That was why I was mad at Carlisle now. He drugged me, against my will, and placed me somewhere I didn't want to be. Of course, I couldn't go back at that point because if I went to jail, there wouldn't be a better solution for Selena. She wasn't going to get out until her time was up and for me to get myself arrested for faking my own death, it would have caused more damage than good. I just had to wait.

Selena took over the tale from when she got to the island, but after that point, there wasn't anything exciting to say.

"We have been hiding out with Alec until things blew over," Selena concluded the story. "Justin is the only one who gets to talk to Carlisle and it's only for five minutes every couple of months. I haven't even spoken to Charlie in two years."

"I still can't believe that you kept this from us," Emmett said to Carlisle. "Did you think we would tell anyone?"

"No, but I couldn't chance it. Every person who knew was at risk and my plan still didn't work. They were ambushed too."

"Really?" Jasper asked in surprise. "By the same fucking guys?"

"I would assume so. They stormed the island and we were totally unprepared." I shrugged.

"Well, shit," he leaned back in his seat, "this is serious."

"Now you see why I did what I did. I was protecting all of us because they were going to kill Justin. They'll still want to kill him." Carlisle sighed, "My family is never going to be safe. I'm working on finding out who they are and who hired them."

"They're based out of a company in Texas." I repeated the information that I got from Ben before I killed him.

They looked at me with slightly surprised faces.

"Just because I lived on an island doesn't mean I wasn't working." I sighed, "If someone attacks my family, you better believe I'm going to find out who it is."

"We can defend ourselves." Alec puffed out his chest.

"But only together. We're not too successful separated," I disclosed. "And I think people know that."

"Well, it's not like anything's different in Chicago," Emmett said. "Everyone still wants a piece of us."

"Aro's still there?" Selena asked.

"Unfortunately. The old bastard is trying his hardest to keep up, but he's failing miserably."

I was about to say something, but my ears picked up the soft padding of heels on the carpet in the hallway.

"Carlisle? Where are you?" Esme's voice asked in her sweet tone. "Actually, where is anybody? I've been cooking for two hours and making sure the people coming over are alright. I figured you all needed some time alone but this is ridiculous."

"Oh, shit." Jasper got up from his chair too quickly and stumbled backwards to the floor.

Carlisle was whipping his head around from me to the door, trying to judge what exactly he should do.

"I'm not going anywhere," I answered his silent question for him.

"I forgot all about her," Rose said to Emmett. "She's going to burn us alive."

Just then, the door cracked open a sliver. Esme poked her head in with a sad smile. "What's everyone doing up here?"

"Um, nothing, sweetheart." Carlisle got up from his seat and blocked her from the view of the room.

"What's going on? It looks like a family meeting."

"We were just trying to figure a few things out before we go back home."

Esme sidestepped him and looked around the seemingly unthreatening room. Her eyes landed on mine as if they were magnets, trained to seek me out.

A strange thing happened in which she kind of went blank as if…she had seen a ghost. That was the best way to describe it. Within a second, a thousand emotions passed over her face.

Confusion.

Fear.

Sadness.

Those were the ones I could pick up on easily.

"Hi, Ma," I said, my voice only rising to a whisper.

Esme started to sway on her feet and Carlisle caught her before she fell to the ground.

SELENA POV

"We are living in the excesses of freedom. Just take a look at 42nd Street and Broadway."-William Durant

All things Twilight related belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Carlisle lifted Esme up and quickly left the room, not even bothering to shut the door behind him.

"This is going to be hell." Jasper straightened himself out after getting off of the floor. "She is going to shit her pants."

"After she kills you guys." Emmett pointed to Justin, Alec, and I.

"Esme's the one I'm worried about the most," I admitted.

"She has the right to be mad, though," Alice said. "Mostly at Carlisle, but still…"

"How do you think she'll handle it?" Alec wrung his hands together.

"She just fucking fainted. What do you think?" Rose got up from her seat and walked around the room in frustration.

Everyone kept the conversations around the table going, catching up and trying to figure out what we had missed in each other's lives. I think they realized that things were getting too hard for Justin to stay alive, and they understood why he had to be hidden. It was harder for me to justify disappearing into thin air after I got out of prison, but they knew how much I loved Justin. Alice and Rose would have done the same thing. I could tell just from the look of approval in their eyes when I explained it to them.

Nothing of importance had happened since we'd been gone. Justin kept tabs on everyone back in Chicago throughout the years so we were still in the loop, but it was nice to hear it from them. We missed not only Alice and Jasper's wedding, but also Rose and Emmett's. Of course, Alice had pictures and wasn't afraid to pull them out for viewing.

We told them what we did on the island, and they just kept staring at us like we weren't really here. I had made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to be mad at them forever. I would say my peace and be done with it. I had said a lot earlier, but I wasn't finished yet.

It did feel good to see everyone again, though. There was that awkward hour of testing each other, where we just talked about the weather and shit. There wasn't much to say after the initial introductions then Emmett cracked a dirty joke and we all laughed—except Justin who just produced a lopsided smile.

Nothing had changed.

While Emmett, Justin, and Jasper talked about things within the family, I got up from my seat and went to the window. Cars were pulling up in the driveway, and Alice told me that they were having a small gathering here. A lot of people were expected to show up, but it wasn't supposed to be a sad thing. Nicola wouldn't have wanted that.

I had been watching Justin all day, trying to judge if he would crack any time soon. I knew he wouldn't cry, but I expected… something. He had barely uttered a word about the funeral, and I was starting to get worried. I knew he had to have some kind of feelings on the subject. He would tell me later.

"Selena, how are you doing, really?" Alice said from behind me.

I sat on the windowsill. "I'm good."

"Happy to be back?" She smiled brightly.

"I am and happy to see you."

Her face fell a little and she sat next to me. "I, um, really did want to go visit you… that last year. I just couldn't. My dad died, on my birthday no less, and I was pretty shaken up."

"I didn't know that." My forehead scrunched as I tried to remember. "What happened?"

"He got hit by a car. He and his girlfriend died, so I was kind of a mess for a long time. I wasn't even thinking about you and for that, I'm sorry. I know it's not really an excuse…"

"No, no, Alice. I understand." I took her hand.

"I didn't even realize that we weren't visiting. Did we really leave you?"

"Everyone except Alec and Esme," I said. "I got used to it after a while."

"I'm sorry. And then after you got out, we all thought you went back home until Charlie came to Chicago. He was screaming at Carlisle for days. No one knew where you were. We should have gone looking for you, but Carlisle said it wouldn't do any good. I was so stupid."

"It's okay, Alice. I'm not mad."

"You're not?" She raised her head. "Really?"

"No, I let go of my anger a long time ago. Well, I do get mad sometimes when I think about everything, but I don't hold a grudge," I confessed. "It's not worth it."

"You're so mature." She giggled. "What happened to the freshman who didn't want to go out with me on her birthday? She was just a little girl."

"God, that was so long ago. We were so young." I laughed.

"We're still young," she corrected me.

"So, what are you doing now?" I asked her.

"Well, I went to fashion school, but decided I didn't want to design my own line."

"Really? Why not?"

"I don't know. I don't think I have the patience for something like that and no one would get my style." She shrugged. "I work for WGN now. It's the big Chicago TV station. I'm the head of the wardrobe department. I get them all prettied up for the camera."

"That sounds like something you would do."

"It's so much fun. I love it." She beamed proudly. "What about you?"

"Well, I got a degree in English in jail, and then when I went to Brazil, I took a few classes at the university there. I'm going to look for something in Chicago, maybe at a newspaper or publishing firm."

"You'd be good at that, definitely."

"Um, Alice?" I leaned in. "What's wrong with Rosalie?"

We both shot looks at her. She was in a corner of the room with crossed arms and a bouncing leg, as if she would rather be anywhere but here.

"She's really mad at the world right now." Alice rolled her eyes. "Normal drama. You do realize that we are her only female friends, right?"

"I'm shocked," I replied sarcastically. "Rose doesn't get along with women?"

"She's just one of those chicks, I guess. But after you got out of jail, she really missed you and you just never came home. She's pissed."

"Rose doesn't have the right to be pissed." I squinted in her direction. She still wasn't paying attention.

"You know it always has to be about her."

I still thought of Rose as a sister, but it was sometimes hard to get along with her when she went into her bitchy modes.

"Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this," Alice whispered, "but they're trying to get pregnant."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, it's not really working, though. She's lost like four so far. The doctors say she has a T shaped uterus. The sperm has to go over…" Alice started making hand gestures.

"I get it," I stopped her.

"They've tried everything, but it's just not working. She doesn't want to adopt or use a surrogate though." Alice sighed. "She can get pretty moody. You just learn to roll with it."

"That must be hard for her." I softened a little when I thought about what Rose was going through. Losing Elizabeth was the hardest thing I'd ever had to experience. I could only imagine how it felt to lose as many as Rose had. She must be torn up inside, but would never show that to anyone.

"She still missed you, though. She always talks about you." Alice patted my knee.

"Really?"

"Yeah. She really liked that Thanksgiving we had when she almost burned the house down trying to make the vodka sauce. She laughs at that all the time."

"I missed you guys a lot. Even when Rose was a super bitch, she was a good friend."

"We missed you too," Alice hugged me tightly, "and Justin of course."

"He won't admit it, but he wanted to come back, I think. He wants to get knee deep in blood again."

"They can never stay away." She looked me up and down. "You look really good. Like, really good, Selena!"

"Thank you." I stared down at myself. "Just regular me."

"Hot You is more like it. I approve of this whole thing you have going on here. The shoes are divine."

"I bought them myself. I knew you'd be proud." I changed the subject. "Tell me about your wedding."

"Oh, it was beautiful. Surprisingly, it was kind of small. Only the family, but it was fun." She showed me her ring, which was way too big for her finger, but perfect for Alice.

"Wow," I commented. "You two look so happy."

"We are."

"No babies yet?"

"Oh, God, no." She shuddered. "Not for another five years, at least. That's the plan. We're not ready."

I nodded in understanding.

"And what about you and Justin? No wedding yet?"

"Soon, hopefully."

"He loves you. I can tell just by the way he acts around you. It's overwhelming."

I opened my mouth to speak, but stopped suddenly. A certain chill filled the air instantly, and everyone stopped talking at the sound of loud footsteps.

"I want to see him for myself!" Esme's voice carried from the hallway. "Justin!"

"Oh, boy," Alice said.

The doors were thrust open dramatically and a furious looking Esme stood, actually shaking. There were angry tear tracks down her cheeks and her auburn hair was in complete disarray. It was the worst I had ever seen her.

"You better be dead!" She stomped towards him. "He's not dead. Why is he not dead?"

"Hi, Ma." Justin waved hesitantly.

"I… I… I can't breathe." She clutched the chair in front of her.

"It's really me."

I should have seen it coming because Esme and I were so much alike. First came the rage, and then the compassion. She slapped him so hard that his head jerked back and a deafening sound echoed throughout the room. His cheek turned a bright pink, but he just cracked his neck and stood straighter.

Then she hugged him. From the look of Justin's face, it was almost as painful as the slap. She was probably breaking ribs.

"Why are you here?" She pulled back, wiping tears. "How are you here?"

"I was being hidden. I couldn't come home."

"Did you miss me?" she asked.

"Of course I did."

"You couldn't call and tell your mother that you were alive? Do you know how much I've cried?"

"I just couldn't. It was for your own good." Justin hung his head. "I'm sorry."

Esme was one of the only people he would apologize to. Even on this occasion, his voice was so low that it was hard to hear.

Esme ran her hand over the spot where she hit him and felt his face. She didn't say anything for a long minute, just looking at him.

"How could this be happening?" she whispered quietly.

"People wanted me dead and I wasn't ready to go yet. I had too many things to fight for. I had to lay low for a while, but now I'm here. I had to come home," he said. "It's really me."

Carlisle cleared his throat. "Esme, dear, I think we should talk about this in private."

"Carlisle, our son is home," She cried happily, turning around. "Look at him."

He smiled tightly. "I see that."

It took her a second, but I could've sworn I heard the click in her brain. "Why don't you look as surprised as I do?"

"Esme…"

"Answer my question." She cut him off before he said anything more. "Tell me you didn't know about this."

He didn't reply.

"Everyone out!" Esme shouted. "I want everyone out, now!"

There was a shuffling of feet as Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, and Alice left the room quickly. I was getting up to leave and, of course, tripped over the carpet, but caught myself before I did a complete faceplant.

Esme spun around so quickly that I thought her head was going to do a full three-sixty. "Selena, is that you?"

I felt the heat in my cheeks. "Hi, Esme."

"What are you doing here?" The confusion of her face was evident; she was going to start demanding answers soon.

"I… came with Justin."

"You've been with Justin?" she asked slowly.

"Yes."

"Esme, I know you have questions, but let's just sit down and talk about this." Carlisle pulled her toward a chair. She had gone almost catatonic.

"You knew, didn't you?" she asked him. "You knew the whole time that he was alive."

"Yes, I did know but…"

"How could you do that?" Esme's face turned red with anger.

"I was trying to keep our son safe and he needed to be hidden without anyone knowing."

"I'm his mother. You watched me cry myself to sleep for months and you couldn't say anything?"

"I'm sorry, Esme. I was doing what was best for the family."

"For the family?" She spoke in a hushed voice that was eerily dangerous. "My family, Carlisle. You aren't the only one who calls shots around here."

"Aro was out for blood. Justin had to be moved quickly and quietly. I'm sorry for not telling you. It killed me every day just thinking about it, but I did what I thought was best."

"That's what scares me, Carlisle. Did it ever occur to you that I was going to get hurt in this scheme of yours?"

"Yes…"

"Obviously not. You lied to me in the worst way. I can never trust you again." She struggled to take off her wedding ring but when it was free from her finger, she threw it at Carlisle. It hit his nose and then fell to the floor with a small clattering. "I want a divorce."

"Esme, listen to me…"

"No, you listen!" she snapped. "I couldn't eat for months. I was so sick that I barely moved out of bed. I lost my fucking hair because I was so stressed and you didn't say a word. For two years, I've thought about him every single day and now he just shows up out of the blue?"

"There's no excuse for what I did," he confessed, "but you're being irrational."

She slapped him, so hard that I cringed at the sound. Then she pushed up from the table and started to pace, just like Justin did.

"I can't believe you, Carlisle! I'm your wife. We've been together since I was twenty years old and you couldn't trust me enough to tell me that our son was still alive?"

"Esme…"

"I can't even look at you right now." She turned to Justin, "I need your gun. I know you have it on you."

"Ma, I'm not giving you a gun."

Esme went to him and started patting down his suit, "Give me something so I can kill this man."

Justin took her hands and held them tightly, "You have to listen to him. He has an explanation and I know you're hurt, but…"

"You couldn't call? You must have known what this would do to me." She interrupted and her voice was starting to crack again.

"I know, but if I hadn't done what I did, I would probably be dead for real."

"Who else knew about this?" she asked Carlisle.

No one said anything.

She grabbed Alec by the back of the shirt. He was literally crawling out of the door. "Where were you because I know there's more to this story?"

"I… I was… with him." He pointed at Justin.

"So, you knew?"

"Yes, but…"

"I don't want to hear it!"

She pushed him out of the door, and he stumbled into the hallway.

"Esme, let us explain," Carlisle said.

"Explain what? How I was lied to? Made a fool of? You don't get to explain yourself."

And then she turned to me.

"And what about you?"

"I was with Justin," I said tepidly.

"I really did expect more from you, Selena. I loved you like my own daughter. I know you're not a mother, but you should have said something to me. You of all people should know what it's like to lose a child."

I took in a short gasp of air at her words and my eyes immediately started to blur.

"That is completely uncalled for," Justin snapped and stood in front of me.

Esme didn't even look at us as she stamped out of the door and slammed it shut behind her. The windows shook from her fury.

I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks, and the air was sucked out of my lungs. No matter how much I tried to breathe, it just wouldn't work. I doubled over in my chair and felt someone's hand on my back, trying to soothe me. I must have looked a mess.

"Selena, are you okay? What's going on?" Justin asked me hurriedly.

"I'm fine." I pushed him off. "I'm fine."

I wobbled up from my chair and followed Esme out of the door.

"What the hell does that mean?" I shouted down the hall.

She stopped at the door she was about to go into and turned around. "I wasn't stupid, Selena. I knew what was going on."

"And you didn't say anything?"

"What did you want me to say?"

"I don't know, anything! I had a hole in my heart for a year after I lost her. I still have a hole that will never go away. All those times you came to see me and saw my red eyes, you couldn't have said anything?"

"I figured you didn't want me to…"

"Bullshit!"

That's what I realized that even though Esme was there for me physically, it was almost worst as if she hadn't been there at all. She knew and never said a word.

"I was trying not to bring it up, but that's not the point. After what you felt for losing that baby, whom you didn't even know I might add, did you ever think that I felt the same thing for losing Justin?"

"That was a low blow, Esme and you know it." I stopped myself from crying.

"And not calling me wasn't? I spent two years sobbing over my son, thinking that he was dead, and no one told me a thing. I think I have the right to be pissed."

"Of course you do, but you don't need to take it out on me. I'm sorry that you didn't know, but Carlisle thought it was best. You'll have to ask him about his reasoning because I don't know. It wasn't my responsibility."

"Maybe it's best that you didn't have that baby because you obviously don't have the maternal instincts to care for one." She wiped her face angrily.

"Ma, stop it!" Justin commanded, "Don't you ever talk to her like that again…"

"Or what, Justin?" She challenged, "What are you going to do? I'm already dead inside so I don't care. I can't trust any of you ever again." Esme backed into the room and shut the door in my face. Carlisle pushed past me and went inside.

I collapsed against the opposite wall and slid down to the floor. I forced myself not to cry. This wasn't about me, but what she said hurt. I knew what it was like to lose a child; she was right. But was it my responsibility to inform her that Justin was alive? No.

"Selena, she had no right to say that." Justin crouched next to me.

"I can't believe she said those things." I was almost in a daze and my head started to swirl.

"Nothing was your fault...the baby, me being dead; nothing was your fault. Don't take blame for anything that happened. This is all on Carlisle and me, understand?"

I nodded.

"I'm going to go talk with her." He got up from the floor with a purpose and went into the room.

I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but there were a lot of voices.

"Come on, Selena. Let's get you somewhere more comfortable." Emmett lifted me up out of nowhere and cradled me in his arms as we walked further down the hallway.

I was suddenly tired and as much as I tried to keep my eyes open, it just wasn't happening. I went to sleep as soon as I felt a soft pillow under my head.

The next two days flew by. Everyone got reacquainted, and we tried not to think about the time we had spent apart. Even Rose warmed up to me somewhat, but it was still like walking on eggshells with her. I didn't see much of Esme or Carlisle, though. They stayed holed up in a room, talking or yelling at each other. Justin told her everything, but it didn't seem to change her attitude toward the whole situation. I didn't expect it would.

She was hurt, she was lied to, and she was pissed. Justin said to just let them work it out.

I was still mad at her, but got over it quickly. I knew she didn't mean what she said. Well, maybe she did, but Justin made sure that I knew nothing was my fault. He would repeat it any chance he got. That made me feel better. I just stayed away from Esme, but I figured we shouldn't be talking right now.

People stopped by to give their well wishes to the family. Most of the massive Bieber clan left the day after the funeral, so I never really got to see anyone. They brought flowers and food. We took them all graciously and sent thanks. By the time we got ready to leave, the place was overflowing with gifts. The housekeepers were having a hell of a time sorting them all out.

"I can't believe we're really going back," I said as I packed the small amount of things that Justin and I had brought with us. We were in our hotel on our last night in Rome. Tomorrow, we would make the journey back to Chicago.

"This is just very… awkward." He smoked his cigarette at the window. "What am I going to do back there?"

"Whatever Carlisle wants you to do."

"That's just it; I'm tired of following him around like some puppy dog. His time is up."

"Don't think like that, Justin. He does what he thinks is best."

"And he gets us in a hell of a lot of trouble. Esme won't even look at him. She said he has to move out when we get back to Chicago."

"She still wants a divorce?"

"Well, she would rather he be dead, but she'll take a divorce."

"That's… sad." I never thought Carlisle and Esme would be at this point. They almost never even fought. I guess it was understandable, though.

Justin blew out a plume of smoke into the chilly night air. "I have no idea what the situation over there is, but I have a bad feeling."

"Carlisle will know what to do."

"He's not God, Selena. He makes mistakes too."

"I know, but I trust him."

"More than you should." Justin looked at me seriously. "He's running us into the ground. Our whole family is falling apart because of him."

"Don't say that."

"Why? It's true. His methods don't work; that's been proven time and time again. He's caused too much of a mess to clean up and he doesn't even know how to fix it."

"What are you talking about?" I sat on the bed.

"Emmett told me that it's changing in Chicago. The Cullens are still on top, but people aren't scared of us like they should be. He's fucking it all up. This is not what Nicola worked so hard for."

"And you could do better?"

"Of course I could do better, Selena," Justin said as if I had offended him. "He's weak. He lets his friendships rule his decisions and that's not right. Shoot first, ask questions later."

"That's one way, but I'm sure Carlisle…"

"Stop defending him," he cut me off.

"I'm just saying. His job is hard and he's cracking."

Justin stubbed out his cigarette. "What's my legacy going to be?"

"You're a little too young to be thinking about a legacy, aren't you?"

"I'm ancient in this game. Shinobu started when he was twenty-five, and James fucking Denali was twenty-one. Who knows when I'll get my chance?"

"Aren't you still in training?" I asked.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but the time for training is over." He plopped down on the bed next to me, stretching his legs out. "This is real, Selena."

"Just don't start any war." I rested my head on his shoulder. "Where are we going to live?"

"I built a house," he said, like it was normal.

"You built a house?" I asked slowly.

"Well, not me. I had a house built for us."

"Where?" I raised my head.

"In the same neighborhood as everyone else." He shrugged. "It's pretty big and it's nice, I guess."

"How long has this been going on?"

"For about a year. I started it just in case."

I was actually kind of speechless, even though I shouldn't have been. This was just the type of thing that Justin would do.

"What does it look like?" I asked him.

"I can't tell you." He grinned. "You'll just have to wait until we get there."

Neither of us slept that night. I think we were both too anxious, but by the time the sun came up, I wasn't even tired.

We waited in the room until Carlisle called us. Justin and I rode the elevator down with our minimal amount of stuff and met the family in the lobby. Esme was there but didn't speak or even look at anyone. Her eyes were puffy from crying, and her face was unhealthily pale. The only one who was absent was Cici. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen her since being here.

There were 'good mornings' from everyone else and smiles at the prospect of going home.

Justin spoke with Carlisle in the back, talking for almost the whole flight. I sat next to Emmett would challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Of course, I couldn't pass that up and spent a long time trying to obliterate him with large words. Thankfully, he wasn't as good as Justin, so I beat him all four times we played.

We had a layover in New York and when the plane took off again, Emmett's seat was replaced with Carlisle.

"I think we should talk." He fixed his jacket and crossed his legs, preparing for what I assumed was a speech.

"Okay."

"First of all, I'm sorry," he said. "I am very sorry for… everything. You lost your life and your family and your education all because of us. It wasn't right of me to put all of that on your shoulders."

"No, it wasn't." I didn't bother sugarcoating it.

"I know you probably hated me for a long time and I understand that…"

"I don't hate you, Carlisle. I did, but I don't now."

"You should hate me. I betrayed you, Selena. I should have fought harder, but I was just so focused on Justin. I'm sorry."

"You have to stop apologizing."

"I will never stop apologizing to you for what you did." He looked at me so tenderly that I had to occupy my eyes with something else. The carpet suddenly became interesting.

"I just want to put it all behind me. I'm looking forward now."

"Well, you'll be happy to know that your record is expunged. Your criminal record is swiped clean."

"How did you do that?" I raised my head.

He shrugged. "I'm Carlisle Bieber. I also set you up with… physical compensation for your troubles."

"I don't want your money. It's not all about money."

"I felt like you should have it. I don't know how else to repay you."

"I see." I paused, "Well, thank you."

"If there's anything you need or anything I can do for you, please ask me." He leaned towards me and took my hands in his. "Lo sono sempre in debito, Isabella."

I'm forever in your debt.

"Grazie." I smiled tightly.

He kissed my cheek before getting up from his seat and walking down the plane.

I felt eyes on me and looked over to see Esme glaring in my direction. She lowered her head back into a magazine.

We landed in a private airfield right outside of Chicago, and I let out a deep sigh of relief that we had finally made it. I was surprised at how warm it was. There was snow on the ground, but the air was calm and mild in temperature. I almost had to take my coat off.

There were cars waiting for us and Justin opened the door of the last one in line. I slid into the backseat.

"There was no one to check you at the airport," I commented as we pulled out.

"They're watching me." He pointed across the street at a car that was waiting. They started to follow us as the car picked up speed.

"I think I can see it." I pointed out of the window to a giant white, stone house that could have probably accommodated a small country.

"Yup, that's it. Eight thousand square feet of pristine, Italian marble."

"This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." I almost couldn't speak.

We drove onto the expansive cobblestone driveway of our new home.

"Do you like it?" Justin asked as he helped me out of the car.

"I'm speechless. I have no I idea where to look first," I said truthfully.

There were trucks outside, and I saw men unloading furniture into the house.

"It's not fully done yet, but it should be in a couple of hours," Justin told me. "They're putting the final touches on it now."

The whole compound was in the European architectural style with beautiful arches and huge, open windows that reflected the sunlight. It looked like a giant Spanish villa with connecting sections of the house that was held together with a red tiled roof and a massive green lawn. To the side of the house was a garage that looked like it could hold at least ten cars, which wouldn't be much of a shock if anyone knew Justin.

"Did you build all this?" I asked.

"I designed it, yes. I just wanted to make this our home," he whispered in my ear.

"It's perfect and I haven't even seen the inside yet." I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

"They started it over a year ago but I've made them start over about five times until it was to my specifications. Carlisle's been keeping an eye on the construction. Would you like to go inside?"

I nodded dumbly.

Everything was made of a gleaming, shiny neutral colored marble that was actually blinding. A massive round, hardwood table sat in the middle of the room under a hanging chandelier that I had to crane my neck to see because it was lifted so high up on the ceiling. To my left was the family room and to my right was the dining room, both accessible by large arch walkways. There were dual winding staircases that were made out of a dark wood and had a wrought iron railing, which led up to the second floor.

I didn't even know what to do.

"Do you like it?" Justin asked hesitantly.

"Its… a lot, but yes."

"I tried to tone it down a little." His shoes clicked on the floor as he walked around it. Men were sawing and clambering around the house, making a hell of a lot of noise.

"What are they doing?"

"Putting in light fixtures and finishing up the small things like sinks, outlets, and the air conditioning."

"Thank you so much for this. I really don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. I did this for you."

"This is our house?" I asked with a smile. "We're going to be living here?"

"Yes. I was serious about that promise I made you. I want a future together."

"Wow, this is hitting me like a freight train." I let out a deep breath.

"If you don't like it we can…"

"No, absolutely not. I love it." I kissed him shortly and sweetly.

"Come on, let's see the rest." Justin took my hand.

We first went through the archway on the left into the family room that was floored with a thick, white carpet. The soft couches and chairs were all a dark, chocolate brown. They looked large enough to swallow me whole.

There was a gigantic white fireplace that I couldn't wait to use when it got colder. I saw an ebony baby grand piano sitting in front of the window in the corner. I ran my fingers over the new keys.

"I put in all the latest technology," Justin gestured expansively. "And everything is new. I couldn't see myself living in a house that someone else already owned. Closets are stocked with clothes, rooms have furniture, and everything's ready for us to move in."

Next was the kitchen. The counters were made of granite with a speckling of bright pink and black throughout.

"We have all brand new, stainless steel appliances," he continued.

I opened the cabinets to see blenders, baking sheets, mixers, and every other kitchen appliance ever made. The drawers held silverware and cooking utensils. The granite island in the middle of the kitchen looked like it could hold a huge Thanksgiving feast, and I couldn't wait until the time when I could hold my own dinners here.

There was a large window that let me look out over the backyard, but I couldn't even think about seeing that right now.

"This is too much. I still can't believe that this is my house," I said in awe.

"This isn't even half of it."

The archway to the right of the foyer held the formal dining room that was complete with a dark, cherry table that had twenty chairs situated around it and an oriental rug, which had intricate designs.

"I imported this table from Italy," Justin said proudly as we walked around the dining room. He turned on the light and another chandelier illuminated the room in a soft glow. There was china cabinet on the far wall that held beautiful crystal and sparkling plates.

"You're just gloating now," I laughed. "Is this still a 'my dick is bigger than yours' thing?"

"Of course it is. Once I got started, I couldn't stop. I kind of went overboard with everything," he chuckled.

"Please don't tell me that you bought a spaceship or something."

"Almost. If you want one, it'll be here in the morning."

He led me to the laundry room, which could have been its own guest bedroom if we wanted it to be. There were stairs that led to the carpeted basement and we went downstairs to see a "man palace" as Justin called it. There were weights and exercise equipment, along with a monstrous flat screen with recliners situated in a separate room.

There was a whole kitchen downstairs with a pool table and gaming equipment.

As we made it back up to the first floor, a muscular, tanned man was coming through the opened front door.

"Oh, Mr. Bieber. I wasn't expecting you back until tomorrow," he stuttered.

"There was a change of plans. I left a message on your phone," Justin replied.

"I'm so sorry. I haven't checked it all day, I've been so busy finishing up," he wiped his hand on his jeans and held it out for Justin to shake.

"It's no problem. I like what you're doing here."

"We tried to get it right this time."

"This is my wife, Selena." Justin pushed me forward. I had been Justin's "wife" now for a couple years so that name didn't shock me."Selena, this is the man who built the house, Mr. Lynn."

"It's nice to meet you." I shook his hand. "This is beautiful. It really is. You did an amazing job."

"We got our asses kicked a couple of times until we got it right, but I'm very proud. I think this is the biggest one we've ever done."

Justin and Mr. Lynn talked for a little while longer as I walked the first floor again, just taking everything in. I didn't dare got upstairs because I might pass out. Somehow, even though this house was massive and overwhelming, Justin knew I would love it. This was our home.

"Jesus, this place is huge!" Alec's booming voice made me jump slightly.

"I know. Your brother got a little crazy."

"It's impressive."

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as we went into the kitchen. I was suddenly very hungry and, of course, found the fridge stocked with anything I could ever want. I started pulling out stuff to make a sandwich.

"I came to ask you something." He sat on a chair at the table.

"Okay. Shoot."

"Um, I like being back and all, it's great, but... can I stay here with you and Justin?"

"Why?"

"Carlisle and Esme are going through kind of a rough patch, as you could imagine. I can already tell that I won't be able to stay there with them fighting the way they are. It's driving me crazy."

"It's fine with me, but you know you have to ask Justin."

"I thought maybe I could just move in and we spring it on him. He won't even know I'm here."

"I don't think so. You have to ask him first..."

"Ask me what?" Justin came into the kitchen.

"Alec wants to live here," I said.

"Absolutely not." He didn't even think about it. "Hell no. You have places to go now."

"But I feel more comfortable with you guys. Please..." Alec begged. "I promise I'll keep everything clean and I'll be super quiet."

"I said no. Go stay with Emmett of Jasper. They'll gladly take you."

"I don't want to stay with them."

"Well, go get an apartment in the city."

"I would love that, but I don't have any money. It's not like I can dip into my trust fund. I'm too young," Alec argued.

"Then go get a job." Justin leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. "You're not staying here."

"Please?"

"Let him stay," I whispered to Justin. "He can't live with Carlisle and Esme right now. Where else is he going to go?"

"I don't care. Anywhere. I just want alone time with you."

"I said I'd be quiet." Alec said.

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose and huffed, "Okay, fine, but I have a few rules."

"I'm listening." Alec sat up straighter.

"Curfew is midnight..."

"Two," he challenged.

"Midnight! Not a minute after. No friends over, no loud music, you keep your room clean, and you stay out of my things."

"Lock me up, why don't you?"

"And you have to go to school," Justin finished.

"School?"

"Yes. You're eighteen. Eighteen year olds go to college."

"I've never been to school before."

"You're smart enough to figure it out."

"What about records? I don't have any." Alec shrugged. "I can't register for school without papers."

"When have you ever had to worry about something like that?" I asked. "This could be good for you. You can meet new people and get an education."

"Do I have to?"

"If you want to live here, then yes."

"Fine." Alec pushed up from the table. "But I get to pick my own room." He hurried out of the kitchen, and I heard his feet on the stairs.

"I thought we were through with him," Justin sighed.

"He likes you best. He's not going anywhere." I cut the sandwich I made in half and handed him a piece.

"He needs to grow up sometime."

"We baby him too much for that." I shrugged. "He's still younger than a lot of normal eighteen year olds."

"I know, but he can't hang on us forever."

"Give him a year," I compromised, taking a small bite of my sandwich.

"A year." He nodded. "That sounds reasonable."

"How's everything with the house?"

"Good. They'll be gone within the next hour, and it will be finished."

"I'm really excited for some reason."

"This is a new chapter for us. I hope you're ready."

"I'm definitely ready."

Mr. Lynn rushed into the kitchen. "Mr. Bieber, we need you for something."

"Okay, I'm coming." Justin put his sandwich down and followed after him.

I was about to take another delicious bite when I heard the doorbell ring. At first, I didn't know what it was and it took me a second to realize that the chime was to my house. I went to the front door and opened it to see a young couple standing there with bright smiles.

"Neighbor!" The lady jumped up and down. She had blond hair and must have been around thirty. "I can't believe it. We saw the trucks delivering things last week. They've been building this place forever. Hi!"

"Hi," I was in no way going to match her enthusiasm. It wasn't in me. I just smiled politely.

"I'm Carrie Sed and this is my husband Barry." She pointed to the man standing next to her. He looked just as happy as she did and almost had the same features: blond hair, nice face, but short in stature.

Carrie and Barry?

"Hi, I'm Barry." He shook my hand so overzealously I vibrated from the motion.

"We just had to come over and meet you." Carrie twirled around. "Finally, some neighbors."

"Do you live close by?" I asked.

"Two houses down," Barry answered. "We've been married for about three months, but moved in a year ago, right before they starting building this place. It's amazing."

"I would invite you in, but it's kind of a mess with the construction and everything."

"No, it's no problem at all. We just wanted to say hi. Oh, and I brought you a pie." Carrie handed me something wrapped in tin foil. "It's apple."

"Well, thank you. That's very nice." I was kind of surprised at how overly happy she was.

"We can be best friends and have girl talk all the time." She beamed.

"Oh, right. Of course." I didn't have it in me to tell her that I wasn't "that girl". Maybe I could try.

I didn't even hear Justin behind me until he opened the door a little wider.

"Hi, I'm Justin. Selena's husband." He shook Barry's hand.

"Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Carrie."

"Hi," she waved, "we just came by to say hello. It's been too long since we had someone new on the block, especially a young couple."

Justin smiled painfully, masking his discomfort. He obviously wasn't into this, but I could see he was trying.

"I made you a pie." Carrie pointed to the thing I was holding. It smelled horrible.

"It's apple," I said to Justin. "We can eat it later."

He gave me a "hell no" look, but nodded.

"What should I major in? There're so many options." Alec came into the doorway.

"Oh, this must be your son." Barry almost yelled with enthusiasm. "This is great. A whole family for us to get to know."

"They're too young," Carrie replied skeptically.

"We adopted," Justin said quickly. "This is Alec."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you." Alec nodded.

"You too," Carrie answered. "We won't take up anymore of your time. We just wanted to say hi. I'm sure we'll have you over soon."

"We'll be looking forward to it," I replied with as much joy as I could muster.

"One more thing actually," Barry said. "I don't think we caught your last name."

"No, you didn't," Justin replied. That was all he said.

We stood around in awkward silence for a second before I decided to fill it. "Well, it was nice meeting you two."

"Okay, bye!" They almost skipped off of the front steps, hand in hand, as they walked back down the driveway.

I shut the door and let my face fall into something other than a smile. My cheeks hurt.

"Weirdos," Alec muttered and bounded up the stairs.

"We have neighbors, Selena." Justin leaned against the door. "Peppy, cookie-cutter, happy neighbors."

"Maybe they're not that bad," I said hopefully. "They seemed nice enough."

I went into the kitchen and opened up the "pie" Carrie had made. It was burned black and had gooey apple filling coming out of the sides. Justin snatched it up and threw the thing away.

"Hey, what if I wanted to eat that?" I complained. "We should at least try it."

"And die? I don't think so."

"Could you at least try to be nice to them?"

"I did a pretty good job for the two minutes that I was standing there."

"You did." I bit my lip. "Why did you tell them that Alec was our son?"

"I didn't. They assumed and I didn't correct them. It will explain why he's always here and I won't have to go into the family story if anyone asks. It's simpler that way."

"I guess."

"Besides, it's not any of their business."

I guess living the suburbs was going to be something I had to get used to.

[whatanerdgirlsays]

When we initially booked our trip to Seattle, I admit that my mind did think of visiting Forks. I’ve been on a Twilight nostalgia kick lately, especially with reading the ARC of Tracy Wolff’s new novel, Crave, which comes out in April and gave me super Twilight vibes. However, when I saw how far Forks is from Seattle, I thought, okay well maybe not. Then a friend of mine told me how she and her husband rented a car for the day when they were in Seattle. They said it was a doable day trip.

I. Was. In!

We spent 3 full days and 2 half days in Seattle and decided to rent a car on Friday, our second full day there, and make the trip out to Forks, about a 3.5 hour drive there and back.

Now I definitely hit up some of my Twilight friends before going. I knew ahead of time that most of the movies were filmed in Oregon and British Colombia and absolutely none of it was filmed in the actual city of Forks. Going into Forks – you wouldn’t really recognize anything. But as a book fan, I wanted to go to the actual place that the story took place and I think because I went in with that attitude and the advice of my Twilight friends, I had such a wonderful time.

First off, the drive from Seattle to Forks is definitely long. We also took a longer way to avoid the ferry – we heard the ferry was really cool but it was expensive and because we were renting the car for the day and spending money on gas, we were trying to save money and so we took a roundabout way. So the drive was definitely a long. However, I’ll preemptively say that it was worth it – and what was super important to note that is the drive was worth it just for the drive itself. Washington is absolutely gorgeous! The colors are just something we don’t see in California and as someone who has lived on the outskirts of Los Angeles her entire life, I just found NATURE so gorgeous. Our route took us into the Olympic National Forest and right alongside Lake Crescent, where we took some time to pull over and take pictures and just admire the beauty.

The first stop when we finally made it to Forks was the welcome sign! This was one of the few things that was definitely recognizable. Though the actual sign was not used in the movie, a replica was made down to the details so I admit, when we reached Forks and I saw the sign, I squealed so loud!

The next stop we made was going to the Forks Visitors Center – definitely a must when you first get there. The lady working there – I feel so bad now that I did not get her name! – was so incredibly nice and helpful. As soon as you walk in, you can tell this is a place that has embraced the Twilight world and fandom. There were shirts and sweatshirts to buy, books and postcards and they were so helpful! They gave us a map for a self-guided tour around the town and let us know we needed to visit the Chamber of Commerce to see the mini museum there which holds a TON of props.

There’s also the plus of seeing Bella’s truck outside front, which is a wonderful way to feel welcomed there. The one to the right is close to screen accurate – it very well might be screen accurate – and I’m not sure about the one on the left. Either way – very cool and a great photo op.

When we came out of the visitors center, we saw a sign for a half mile native trail. Since it had taken us a lot quicker to get there than we expected, we decided to check it out. We weren’t equipped nor did we have the time for a full hike – though we do love to hike – but this would be a great way to check out some of the absolutely beautiful forest that Forks is surrounded by. It was a short little loop and I loved it – it helped me get into the Twilight mood and it was just gorgeous.

After that, we headed down to the chamber of commerce to check out the props and collection there. It was so cool to see – things donated and bought by fans, some on loan, some not. There were all these different editions of the books, which I loved, and a TON of costumes used in the actual movies. They had Bella’s quilt given to her by her mother (where I actually recognized one of the places!) and even the creepy animatronic Renesmee that was originally used in the Breaking Dawn Part 2 movie.

But honestly, what was so great about the little collection there was the people! There were too older ladies working – why did I not get any of their names?! – who were so helpful and had so much information. They told all kinds of stories and had little tidbits and were just so so cool. I really felt like I was in a place where I fit in, not just the weird girl who drove 3.5 hours to see Forks. They even told us some cool stories about when Stephenie Meyer came to visit, stories that really solidified my opinion that she’s such an awesome person.

After this, we checked out the various sites in the town…

First, we went to visit the high school. This was another little thing a fan will recognize from the movie – the sign! It as a completely different high school used in the movie but they did make a replicate of the sign so it was a must to take a picture of. I did feel a little weird being on campus – though barely and only for a moment – while teens were there for school but it was cool to see something I recognized!

After, Bella’s house. I learned later that this house is owned by a fan and is used as Bella’s house for fans to visit – the outside only!! While it doesn’t match what’s in the movies, obviously, but it was what I would imagine the house would look like in the books. I also think it is kind of like the one in the movie too. I think its really cool that there are fans that have moved to Forks and have really helped to build the community there.

Forks is so small that after Bella’s house, we swung around to Forks Hospital, which is so tiny, I still can’t believe it’s a hospital. They had a sign for Carlisle, which is so awesome.

We made a pit stop at Forks Outfitters, where Bella works in the books. Small towns are so cute to me – it was a combination grocery store, cafe, clothes store and hardware store. I needed to pick up a Forks sweater or hoodie – it was an absolute must.

Another great stop on the self guided tour was the police station/utilities department. I was able to take a picture with a police car that is not unlike the one that Charlie would have driven in the books. The self guided tour information told us to go and visit the water department to get a special treat and honestly it was so cute – I love the small things. They gave you a receipt for paying your water bill and I shall treasure it always. I also purchased a cute little Forks pin there as well.

Just next door to the police station is a little bed and breakfast that is touted in the town as the Cullen house. The Cullens name is on the mailbox and there’s a little note on the porch for those coming to stay.

I purchased some postcards and made a pit stop at the Forks Post Office and sent one off to my best friend Meghan and another off to myself from Bella and Edward because, well, apparently I’m a dork.

That’s when it started raining and I’m not a big fan of rain but it just worked so perfectly for a visit for Forks, just the way Stephenie describes it in the books. It made for such a beautiful drive down to La Push and First Beach, which is only about a twenty minute drive from Forks.

There are a couple things to check out on the way to La Push. First, you must find the Treaty sign at the treaty line. Seriously what a cool thing! I love that this was added at some point. There’s also a house you can stay at, along La Push Road, that is modeled after Jacob Black’s house in the movies.

Then you get to First Beach and…there are just no words to describe it. We didn’t stay long because it was absolutely pouring rain but I NEED to go back. We turned it the corner at one point and I literally gasped out loud – it was just absolutely beautiful. I’ve seen a million beaches here in California, all up and down our coast and even the ocean from Mexico and all of it was gorgeous but this beach was just so different from what I know. It was absolutely beautiful. Truly just so gorgeous and worth a trip. I would’ve stayed and looked for hours if I wasn’t getting drenched more and more by the second.

The last thing on our list was to stop at Port Angeles on the drive back to Seattle. We checked out a bookstore, which was super super cool, and I felt exactly like Bella in the first book for sure and then we went to have dinner at Bella Italia just like Bella and Edward. They even have Bella’s Mushroom Ravioli on the menu, which, unfortunately I did not try because I absolutely detest mushrooms. But the food was delicious and our waiter was so nice and it was great to visit.

All in all, I honestly thought it was absolutely worth a trip from Seattle and back, if you’re a big Twilight fan. I saw a lot of bad reviews for Forks and stuff, saying they didn’t recognize anything and there was nothing to see but I 100% disagree with all of it. If you go in knowing that this is NOT a visit for a movie fan and more for a book fan, you’re going to have an amazing time. Forks is so cute, there’s plenty of places to visit and La Push is a thousand percent worth the short drive from Forks. If you add in the fact that the Olympic National Forest is amazing and seeing more than just the city of Seattle makes it even more worth it.

If you’re not convinced by all of that, let me tell you this. One of the supremely nice ladies I was talking to at the Chamber of Commerce told me something that really stuck with me. She was telling me how Twilight the movie came out in 2008 along with the Twilight craze, and it was all right at the beginning of the super bad recession we had. She told me that without that craze and fans flocking to Forks to get a piece of the Twilight town, the town might have fallen under and might have become like so many of the other ghost towns across the nation. That seriously resonated with me and furthered my belief that visiting Forks was a super great idea.

If you’re thinking of visiting Forks in the future, please definitely get in touch with me! I can try and answer as many questions as you can. I also super recommend checking out the official Forks website and definitely definitely definitely go to the visitors center!

Twilight Day Trip: Visiting Forks, La Push and Port Angeles! ~~~ #twilight #forks #lapush #portangeles #fandomtrip #geekfieldtrip When we initially booked our trip to Seattle, I admit that my mind did think of visiting Forks.

[burning-up-ao3]

20 Penguins Thoughts: OK, so is Matt Cullen really retiring?

March 12, 2019 9:55 AM   By Jason Mackey / Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

It’s as resolute as Matt Cullen has sounded regarding his potential retirement.

Asked the night of his 1,500th NHL game whether he might have any interest in trying for 1,600, Cullen didn’t hesitate.

“Nope,” he said with a smile.

Saturday morning in Columbus, I brought that moment up to Cullen, explaining that I thought he sounded rather convincing.

“I feel like this is it,” Cullen said. “That this is the last run.”

Then he paused.

“I know I’ve said that before.”

The subject of retirement is going to come up when you’re 42 years old and the NHL’s eldest statesmen. Shoot, even Cullen’s own dad, Terry, has been giving him grief about all the will-he-or-won’t-he talk that’s surrounded his son for, oh, about half a decade now.

After talking to Matt Cullen a little bit about his future, I still genuinely have no idea what he’s going to do. And I don’t think he does, either.

“I’m not thinking down the road like that at all,” Cullen said. “When you’re at this point in the season, that feels 100 miles away.”

2. A couple years ago — not sure exactly when — Cullen decided to change how he looks at things.

He essentially wanted to stop thinking so much about the bigger picture and narrow his focus. It’s one of the reasons he’s been able to keep playing this long and enjoy it so much.

“I’ve always been guilty at looking too far ahead in my career,” Cullen said. “The last few years I’ve enjoyed playing a lot more by being right in the moment and enjoying it for what it’s worth.

“It’s easy to say that. It’s harder to do it, in our game especially.”

3. The Cullen retirement talk is interesting to me because of what it might mean for his teammates. They obviously adore him. The Penguins have also been incredibly inconsistent this season.

I wonder if they think about this potentially being his last run and whether that serves as any extra motivation to get it together? To maybe get Cullen a fourth Stanley Cup, pass it to him first (how could Sidney Crosby not?) and let him go out on top.

It certainly wouldn’t hurt as a source of motivation, but they’d also have to know that’s where Cullen’s head is at. But again, I just don’t think he’s anywhere close to that at this point.

And he’s not wrong for handling it that way.

4. One funny thing about Cullen’s 1,500th game: His wife, Bridget, put together a surprise party for him at Mambo Italia in Sewickley last Monday, the night before the game. A few former teammates flew in. There was a bunch of family and current teammates, there, too.

Matt fell for it hook, line and sinker. (Full disclosure: Terry Cullen told me about it during the story I did on the two of them, and I, too, had to keep my mouth shut.)

“I don’t know if I’m really gullible or what, but I had no idea it was happening,” Matt said. “I had no expectations going into the whole thing. It was really cool seeing family and friends. It was a pretty special night.

“The whole thing was crazy. It was beyond anything I would’ve ever expected.”

5. Apparently Bridget duped Matt by saying they needed to head into downtown Sewickley to load up his truck with a bunch of boxes from a local juice bar. Bridget drove and had Matt walk with their three boys.

When Matt and Co. arrived, Bridget said that everything had been canceled — no boxes — but she had to pick up something from a store.

“We walked past that store, we got to the restaurant, walked in, and a bunch of family and friends were just sitting there waiting,” Matt said. “I couldn’t believe it.”

6. Moving on …

Penguins players wear monitors strapped to their chest during practice that monitor their activity.

That data is collected by the team’s strength and conditioning staff, and it gives coach Mike Sullivan input when it comes to deciding how hard to push his club. It’s not new in pro sports.

But Zach Trotman goes above and beyond.

A self-described “exercise science nerd from college,” Trotman wears what’s called a “WHOOP” on his wrist. It’s essentially fitness tracker that looks a lot like an Apple Watch.

Using a program called Strain, it measures your heart-rate variability and sleep.

“It gives me an idea of how recovered my body is and how much work I should be doing the next day,” Trotman said.

7. This is not a team-issued thing. Trotman does it entirely on his own, but he loves it.

“I’m kinda big into all of that stuff,” Trotman said. “The team does a lot of stuff for us, but I like to have my own numbers, too.”

Trotman started wearing the WHOOP this summer, and so far he’s been very happy with the purchase.

“The more I’ve done it, the better I’ve got at predicting how I’m going to be the next day,” Trotman said. “I’ve learned whether I should take it easy and go lay on the couch or if I should go out and take a walk.

“I kinda can tell how it’s going to affect me the next day and where I need to be at. It’s really cool.”

8. To be sure, Trotman still adheres to what the team wants him to do. By no means is this a replacement for that. It’s more so he can think along with the training staff.

He said he loves learning more about preparation, rest and recovery and views it as a possible career after hockey.

“I still have a year left on my degree, so I’m by no means anywhere near where they are,” said Trotman, who attended Lake Superior State in his native Michigan. “It’s fun for me to be able to bounce ideas ideas off of them and ask why we do certain things and get their feedback, the reasoning behind everything. That helps me learn, too.”

By the way, good for Trotman. Whether it’s here or elsewhere — he’ll be an unrestricted free agent this summer — the guy might be earning himself a nice next contract on July 1.

9. Garrett Wilson was sporting a few stitches on the top of his forehead Saturday, the result of his fight two days earlier with Columbus captain Nick Foligno. You’ve probably seen the picture of Wilson in the penalty box, blood streaming down his face.

Turns out Wilson’s hands were caught in Foligno’s jersey. As they tumbled to the ice, Wilson couldn’t get his hands free and brace for impact.

“I just had to eat it,” he said.

Wilson was not subject to the concussion spotter’s intervention — fortunately he was fine — because his head hit the ice, not another player’s fist.

Yeah, because the human brain can tell the difference.

10. Wilson told me that he had a similar thing happen to him in junior, when he couldn’t get his hands free and “smashed my head off the ice at the end of the fight.” That sounds … not fun.

More full disclosure: I’ve watched hockey fights my whole life … been in a few scraps myself, though never on skates, and I never thought about what Wilson brought up next.

“I’ve always been taught to not to put your hands on the ice,” Wilson said. “The linesmen coming in to break up the fight can skate over your fingers. I’m always hesitant putting my hands on the ice.

“Those are the scariest ones I see. When you fall and the linesmen are coming in to break it up. They skate right over your fingers.”

That sounds … not fun.

11. Moving on … I thought Sullivan’s answer to my question Sunday night on why Nick Bjugstad and Jared McCann have had so much success here was pretty telling.

“They’re two real good players. They’ve embraced the roles that we’ve put them in. When guys bring a certain level of enthusiasm and they embrace the challenge, that, for me, is where it starts, with that attitude of wanting to make a difference and wanting to help this team win games. I think both of these guys are really excited to be Penguins. They’re excited about the roles that we’ve put them in. They’ve done a great job for us.”

Derick Brassard was a “real good player” — or at least came here with that reputation — but he definitely did not embrace the role he was put in. Or, at minimum, was never fully comfortable in it.

I also don’t think Sullivan was any intentionally saying anything to bury Brassard. But I think the Penguins appreciate how much those guys appreciate being here. And they definitely do.

By the way, how about this for a trade comparison:

In the 19 games since Jared McCann & Nick Bjugstad joined the Pens: McCann: 8g-3a-11pts +9 Bjugstad: 5g-3a-8pts +/-0 In 17 games since leaving Pittsburgh, Derick Brassard: 3g-3a-6pts -10

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Update: Brassard still has three goals and six points, and he’s a minus-12 in 18 games.

12. Am I the only one who thinks the Penguins should be leading the Metropolitan Division right now? Stay with me here.

The Penguins are six points back of the Capitals.

They’re just 6-9 in overtime, which is obviously terrible. But from 2015-16, the Penguins won 34 of 59 games that required more than 60 minutes, a winning percentage of .576.

Apply that to this season and the Penguins theoretically should’ve gone 9-6 in extra time, giving them three more points.

Furthermore, there are three games that stand out for me when it comes to Sullivan’s choice in his starting goaltender: Jan. 19 at Vegas, Jan. 9 at Tampa Bay and Feb. 21 at home against San Jose.

Those are three of the best teams in the NHL, and Sullivan started his backup netminder each time; Casey DeSmith lost all three.

I don’t think it’s insane to think Matt Murray could’ve earned three of a possible six points.

13. So here we are — without delving into the Penguins’ other issues with inconsistency and underperformance this season — talking about potentially leading the division.

The Penguins and Capitals, in this scenario, would both have 89 points. If one of those wins against Golden Knights, Lightning or Sharks came in regulation, they’d be tied in what’s used as the first tiebreaker — regulation wins.

Head-to-head, the Penguins have beaten the Capitals in two of three meetings. Thus, the Penguins would be in first via tiebreaker. At worst, Tuesday’s game could be for first place.

None of this, of course, means a blessed thing. But it’s interesting to me anyway.

14. The Fan’s Andrew Fillipponi host and I got into an interesting discussion on-air last week about the Hart Trophy.

I made the point that Tampa Bay’s Nikita Kucherov should be considered the front-runner at this point because of the incredible offensive numbers he’s produced this season; he has 111 points, 13 more than second-place Patrick Kane of Chicago.

Fillipponi’s rebuttal — it’s fair and accurate — was that, since the most recent lockout, a Hart Trophy winner has never come from the team that had the most points.

15. I do think there’s a couple things that should be considered here, though.

And no, I don’t know if I fully subscribe to this line of thinking. Just presenting it. I still think Kane (if Chicago makes it) and Crosby have extremely compelling cases for the Hart and should maybe win it. My point is that we shouldn’t immediately discount Kucherov, and here’s why.

The guy has points in 53 of the Lightning’s 70 games thus far. That, by itself, is crazy.

But Tampa is also a bad team when Kucherov doesn’t score; the Lighting are 46-4-3 when Kucherov has at least one point, 7-9-1 when he does not.

So, yeah, you can say that he’s just compiled on a top team, but Tampa has definitely benefitted from his steady-if-not-specular offense.

16. Patric Hornqvist has one goal in his past 23 games.

It doesn’t look, to me anyway, like he’s doing anything that would lessen his chances of scoring — not going to the net, giving the puck away all the time, shooting less, that sort of thing. You certainly can’t question the effort, and he does have points in six of eight.

What confuses me here is this: Did the Penguins really give Hornqvist $26.5 million on a five-year deal that runs through 2023 to play on the third line? I can’t imagine so.

Hornqvist doesn’t generate enough of his own offense. He needs the puck around the net to hack and whack and do what he does probably better than anyone else in the league.

Many of you have brought up his lack of goal-scoring, wondering if it’s concussion-related. I don’t think it is. But I do think it’s linemate- and role-related.

17. It’s tough, though, because what do you do?

McCann has looked really good with Crosby, you’re not moving Jake Guentzel, and those three create an important speed element together.

Until you get Phil Kessel going, your best option for helping Kessel find his game is probably to keep him with Evgeni Malkin, then maybe think about trying Kessel on his own line. But until that point, best-case scenario, you’d be taking a pretty big chance.

It would help the Penguins if Kessel got it together, and they could use Hornqvist next to Malkin and allow Hornqvist to do his thing.

18. Had an interesting chat with David Savard, Jack Johnson’s former defense partner with the Blue Jackets, over the weekend in Columbus.

Savard was interesting on the whole kerfuffle that started over the summer — “I think it just came out weird,” Savard said. “I think he’s glad to be with Pittsburgh, it’s a great organization, and he was glad for a new beginning.”

Savard also credited Johnson with doing a lot to change the culture in the Blue Jackets’ dressing room.

“He was really professional in all of his time here,” Savard said. “I know it didn’t end really well for him, but he gave everything he had when he was playing for our team. You can only respect what he did for this team and how he helped us get to the next level.

“From the time he showed up here, he kind of changed the culture. He’s a guy who works really hard. If you ask anybody in the room, I think they would only have good comments about him.”

I could be crazy, but I’m starting to sense a small change in the fan sentiment relative to Johnson. Or maybe people have just directed their ire at Dominik Simon. Either way …

19. Number of the week: 1

That’s the number of five-on-five goals for which Erik Gudbranson has been on the ice in six games since the Feb. 25 trade, none of them coming in the past five.

Furthermore, Gudbranson ranks No. 1 among Penguins defenseman during that time in five-on-five shot share at 57.23 percent. He’s second only to partner Marcus Pettersson in scoring-chance percentage (61.29) and high-danger percentage (76.47), both of those also coming five-on-five.

This is all a fancy way of saying Gudbranson has been solid.

Yes, the minutes are (relatively) sheltered. And no, he’s not a one-man breakout. But remember that general manager Jim Rutherford took Tanner Pearson — the missing Pearson, as Post-Gazette columnist Joe Starkey calls him — and turned him into Gudbranson, when then Penguins were in a pinch and had four of their top eight defensemen hurt.

20. Non-hockey Thought of the week: If you’ve read something better than this recently, I’d love to see it.

Sally Jenkins, No. 1, is incredible in her own right, an absolute legend and titan in our field. But I found this piece interesting for how she paints the picture of family life in a sports writer’s house.

Let’s just say that my wife and I can relate.

We’re all weird people, let’s admit. It just depends where your quirks or eccentricities manifest themselves. And kids get a unique taste of what it’s like growing up around professional sports, in this wacky field, and I’m willing to bet it’s a heck of a lot different than growing up in a traditional household.

“Don’t rob old people,” might’ve been my favorite line in the whole thing. Definitely can relate to that. Life in our world is … just a little different, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jason Mackey: [email protected] and Twitter @JMackeyPG.

First Published March 12, 2019 8:00 AM

#jason mackey #Pittsburgh Post-Gazette #20 Penguin Thoughts #pittsburgh penguins