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jcisthebestfightme · 4 years

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BJYX Song #2: Nan Hai (Boy)

BJYX Song Series List

Okay dd, I promised I will write Nan Hai for you so here we go.

Disclaimer: My own thoughts only. I overthink. Don’t take this seriously.

This song is so complicated to analyze because dd changed the lyrics multiple times. I initially didn’t believe in the lyrics changing thing but I went back to watch the videos carefully and if you look at his mouth’s shape, the lyrics are definitely changed. And “ending CAN be changed” is super clear, which mean it’s not completely delusional to think he changed “thinking of you” to “meeting you”.

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I think I will start with the original lyrics but also talk about why he changed the lyrics at where he did.

曾经意外他和他相爱 (Once upon a time, by accident, he fell in love with her/him)

在不会犹豫的时代 (In a time where people to do hesitate [to fall in love])

To me, the “accident” refers to love at first sight. We know that dd claims to fall in love at first sight and many clues (similar WB post, asking for wechat, handgun etc.) points to dd at least being attracted to gg at first sight. I think for “Nan hai” to fit, we must subscribe to the 2017 meeting love at first sight theory. The reason being dd singing this song first on 3/30/2018, which is 2 days after knowing he will play LWJ but before he got to know gg personally. It’s also possible he already likes this song and then later realize it fits gg and gave it to him. But then that means he’s thinking of someone else when he loves this song so much. And then he gave this song to gg? Wouldn’t he betraying that other person when he willing, unprompted gave the song to gg? This is why I stand the 2017 love at first sight.

The “accident” can also be referring to falling in love or being attracted with a guy. It’s definitely not very conventional and for dd who was only 19 when meeting gg, it must’ve been a surprise. This theme also carries on to the next line, “in a time where people don’t hesitate”. I think this also points to homosexuality in this context because it’s talking about a time where people are more open. The original lyrics probably just refers to people being more open to dating in modern times.

以为明白 (I thought I understood)

所以爱得痛快 (So I loved very straightforwardly)

一双手紧紧放不开 (A pair of hands, unwilling to let go)

I’m under the assumption that gg and dd did not actually stay in contact after meeting in 2017. The reason being that if adding the WeChat is true, then it’s also true they said in an interview that they already added WeChat and never talked. If they did talk, they would try to hide this fact and not mention the already being friends on WeChat at all. With that in mind, I think this part of the lyrics that original is describing a past relationship that he can’t let go of doesn’t fit our story in March 2018. We can only say that dd may be referring to his naiveness and that he “thought he understood” love so he’s more straightforward about his love. “A pair of hands unwilling to let go” may be about how he’s not willing to let go of gg, thus being persistent.

In summer 2019 when dd mentions this song again, dd may be talking about his initial bluntness when approaching gg. We can see in the bts how obvious he is about his adoration. But over time, he probably learned that love is more than just telling the other person. Because of their status and environment, they often have to hide their love so it can no longer be as straightforward so it was in the beginning. But even then, he’s still unwilling to let go of gg.

心中的执着与未来 (The persistence and future in my heart)

In March 2018, the “persistence” matches with dd’s persistence to try to get close to gg. He was persistent about getting the role of LWJ, putting in his picture twice and then auditioning in person. The “future” refers to the unknown that will come with filming CQL. In summer 2019, the “persistence” is his willingness to keep fighting for their relationship even though it’s hard. The “future” at this point has more longevity and is about them spending their life together.

忘不了你的爱 (I can’t forget your love)

但结局难更改 (But the ending cannot be changed)

The original lyrics here is the singer who already broke up with his lover and is reminiscing about their love. He’s sad that he cannot change their ending. In March 2018, dd is probably referring to not being about to forget gg even though they only met briefly. When he sang this song on 3/30/18, he changed “cannot” to “can”. He knew that he will be playing LWJ already so he’s changing his own ending by pursuing this role. Not surprise our little lion cub has decided to take destiny into his own hands and change a tragic ending into a happy one.

In ttxs recording in July, 2019, “忘不了你的爱 (I can’t forget your love)” is the line that he purposefully wrote, and then looked at gg right afterwards. This means that this is the line that stuck out to him the most at this point in time. He’s telling gg that he will remember their love for the rest of their life. Compare this to June 2018 where when prompted to sing the song, he chose to sing the first line “曾经意外他和他相爱 (Once upon a time, by accident, he fell in love with her/him)”. At that point, their love is just the beginning of the story and it’s more just dd falling for gg. Now in 2019, their relationship has developed into not being able to forget each other.

我没能把你留下来 (I couldn’t make you stay)

更不像他能给你一个期待的未来 (Unlike him/her, who could give you a expected future)

那幼稚的男孩 (That childish boy)

The original meaning of going through a breakup doesn’t fit again. But I think the second line refers to homosexuality. Dd feels like he can’t give gg an “expected future” because of their gender. Here, I think he’s coming himself to a girl, any girl, that can give gg what others may call a “complete, happy family.”

He can also be insecure about his age. Since he’s much younger, he’s not sure what kind of future he can give gg. The “childish boy” refers to himself. Dd has always been insecure about his age compare to gg, evident whenever gg calls him a “kid”. (Fun fact: “That boy with a mole” is a homophone here so people joke he’s actually referring to gg.)

你的关怀一直随身携带 (Your caring, I bring it with me everywhere)

无人的地方再打开 (I open it [the caring] only when no one is already)

Here, I think it’s amazing that dd may not have known gg well at that point but can already tell he’s a very caring person. And in my own opinion, I think gg’s meticulous care for dd is what makes dd falls hard for him.

想问你现在 (I want to ask if right now)

是否忧伤不再 (you are no longer sad)

像躺在阳光下的海 (Just like the ocean under the sun)

像用心涂抹的色彩 (like colors painted with love)

让你微笑起来勇敢起来 (Let you smile again, brave again)

Here, there are coincidental reference to gg: painted colors because is an artist and smile because gg has a beautiful smile.

On dd’s birthday in 2019, gg was in Abu Dhabi and he posted an image of the ocean on instagram. The photo was time stamp at 17:52, which is 1:52pm in Abu Dhabi. If you on QQ, the time at “1:52” of “Nan Hai” is the “just like ocean under the song”. I can just imagine gg, looking at the ocean on dd’s birthday, thinking of him, thinking of his favorite song and taking a photo of it and sharing it. It’s definitely something I would do but would be too afraid no one will understand. And gg is known to do this, as pointed out by his solo fans. He timestamp a song lyrics from the album Kepler for his fans (see Analysis of Blue Sky White Cloud.)

想你就现在 (Thinking of you now)

想你每当我又徘徊 (Thinking of you whenever I waver/wonder)

This is the part dd changed from “thinking” to “meeting” when he sang this song (4/2), the day before meeting gg for the first time on set (4/3). This is like fate has given him a second chance of meeting. To me, the way he sang this part is full of gratitude and unwillingness to let go of this love again.

所有遗憾的都不是未来 (All regrets are in the past, they are not conducive for our future)

所有爱最后都难免逃不过伤害 (All love will have some inevitable pain)

不必再重来 (It doesn’t need to be repeat)

This part gives me a lot of hope. The original lyrics is trying to use this part to let go of this past relationship and move on. However, I think to dd, it means that they have a bright future ahead of them that he’s not willing to let go. In 2019, it can mean that whatever pain/misunderstanding they may have in the past year, they will move on to the future together. What is interesting is that the third line doesn’t specify “they.” Is it the “pain” that cannot be avoided or the “love” that they shared that should not be repeated? I think the original song’s meaning is the past love but for ggdd, it’s the any pain in their journey.

现在我只希望疼痛来得更痛快 (Right now I just want the pain to come faster)

反正不能够重来 (Since [this love] cannot be redone)

In the original song, this ending implies that the singer has decided to wrap up this relationship with a nice bow and let go of it completely since he has determined they will not get together. What about ggdd? Their love hasn’t/can’t/won’t end, right? So what did dd do when he sang this song in April, 2018? He didn’t sing these two lines at all! He left the recording right before when this will come up in the song. He basically sang the whole song (the beginning was cut off but it seems like he was singing before the clip started) but left right before the very end. Why? Is it because he knows this love is not going to be in the past? Is it because he’s unwilling to ever let go of it?

You can argue that maybe he stop singing because he forgot the lyrics or that his throat was hurting (you can see him cough afterwards.) However, he was already lip-syncing some parts towards the end of the bridge. He could’ve continue to do so until the song ends, which is what people would logically do since it’s almost over. Probably my own delusional thinking again LOL

This is probably the most complicated analysis I’ve ever done since dd sang it during multiple time points and he changed the lyrics. But after writing this, I believe in their love even more, especially if you think about when and why he chose to sing certain parts and leave out others. Overall, I think this song is dd feeling insecure about his age and gender to be able to give gg a stable future. There’s definitely pain in this song but also a lot of love. Dd, you are the most passionate “nan hai” and will be loved by the passionate “nan hai.”

#bjyx #yizhan #nan hai

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yeats-infection · 4 years

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@sqvalors tagged me in a lil writing meme... if you’d like to participate please do and tag me!

ao3 name: fluorescentgrey but i also post some things as drglass (dr. glass is the second song on the fluorescent grey EP by deerhunter, so if i make another pseud it will be likenew, then washoff, etc.)

fandoms: about two thirds of my fics are harry potter or star wars but there are a lot of random little goodies. currently i have shifted into the terror (2018) mode.

number of fics: 59 right now... i will throw a party when i get to 69...

fic i spent the most time on: this is funny because some of these technically took me like six months or more of working on them extremely intermittently... namely, bone machine. the series in the garden has taken me the most time generally... and in that, minuet did take me several months of working really hard while i had a schedule / commute that was not conducive to having a creative practice...

fic i spent the least amount of time on: hilariously, literally my most popular fic by ninety miles, the witcher PWP that i wrote out of spite in two or three hours.

longest fic: the source codes series... particularly heelstone which is 102k. i wrote these two stories in a single summer like a crazy person and i hate talking about them because i find them WAY too gooey. honestly, that’s why they are so long. it’s all the gooeyness!!!!!!

shortest fic: yes, the answer is the witcher porn again (this silly thing is going to be the answer for many other questions in this little meme but i’m just going to stop talking about it while i’m ahead). the west end is just about 50 words longer and is much better and is a much better and more interesting story.

most hits: we’re just going to pretend it’s sex and dying in high society, which has the second most hits. this is certainly due to the fact that @wolfstarwarehouse hypes this story a lot for which i am endlessly grateful!

most kudos: recovery position has the second most kudos so let’s go with that one! i have been very touched by the response to this story, though i do personally like the sequel beachcoma a little more... i understand why not everyone wants to read it because it is a little more bittersweet. but it also comes from my soul.

most comment threads: the two stories in the source codes series are leading here, because i only posted two chapters at a time so that i would get maximal validation, lol.

most bookmarks: in order to talk about a story i haven’t talked about yet, the rosary has the fourth-most. i think this fic is truly my r/s swan song... i said everything i wanted to say and did everything i wanted to do. it’s a really good mystery/noir story that i didn’t think i could pull off until i did! and i love the OCs in it who have sort of manifested these secret headcanons for me that i may expostulate upon someday. thank you to @piovascosimo for the inspiration to write it.

total word count: 1,000,478. lol!

favorite fic i wrote: cannot possibly choose but probably the top five in order of date posted are: desperado, a handful of dust, doom town, beachcoma, jump into the fire

fic i’d rewrite / expand on: i already said all of source codes because it’s way too gooey, i also could make hard time killing floor blues a lot tighter, and a memoir of the flesh deserves a way better ending because i was rushing to make the yuletide deadline...

share a bit of a WIP: i was trying for a while to write a band of brothers AU where they are vietnam vets who start growing cannabis... based on the steve earle song “copperhead road.” this could have been SO good but the plot was too huge and unwieldy so i gave up. my roommate is obsessed with this idea and keeps asking me how it’s going so i may yet finish. but there’s a bit below the cut.

The knock at the door in the night was a sharp shock, bright as lightning, that sent them both back to Khe Sanh and before. Nix ducked. Dick went behind the doorframe. They kept low into the kitchen, where Nix took his old officer’s pistol out from where he kept it hidden behind the fridge. Then they went to the door, keeping to the edges of the hallways.

On the porch was Liebgott. He could have made his own way in likely right onto the couch without either of them noticing, so it was something that he had knocked on the goddamn door. It was particularly something given that none of the boys from Easy should have known about the grow operation, or even about Dick’s farm, being as Dick’s address on file at the V.A. was a post office box in town and Nix’s was still in Jersey. These considerations were nil to somebody who had spent the better part of five years in the bush of Vietnam. He took a last draw from his cigarette and put it out against the rubber sole of his boot, then he put the butt in his pocket. As far as Nix knew, he hadn’t said a word since January 1970.

“Joe,” said Dick diplomatically. He put his hand out and Liebgott took it. Then he took Nix’s. He had handsome dark eyes, but they were full of a wall. You could tell he saw you, but it was like nothing followed the necessary channels to the brain to spur emotional response. It had been like this even while he was still talking, and after a while you got used to it.

“You comin' in,” said Nix, knowing he probably would even if he wasn’t invited.

Inside, they all three sat at the kitchen table in silence nobody was about to break. Finally Dick got up and went to the drawer where they kept the rollies and their share of the product. He passed a sheaf of papers and a film canister full of bud to Liebgott across the table. Nix understood as well as Dick apparently did that there would be no getting anything over on this kid, who had eyes in the back and sides of his head. He’d probably had a nice tour of the property before coming inside. “You hungry, son,” Dick said.

Liebgott shook his head. He extracted one of the buds from the canister and inspected it. They did look mighty good if Nix said so himself. They looked artful in Liebgott’s hand. There were black scabs across his knuckles and a dark rime of filth under those fingernails which still existed. He seemed satisfied enough with what he saw to take a paper out of the sheaf and start shredding the flower into it.

“Captain Nixon calls it Easy Diesel,” said Dick, like he was trying to pretend it wasn’t the funniest thing in the world.

Liebgott looked up and a smile flashed across his face like the savage golden light of a flare falling over the far hills. His smile was sort of brutal, like the edge of a knife in a barfight, or like a seething animal. Luckily it went away as quickly as it had come. He rolled the joint with a quick grace and lit the business end with his old silver Zippo Nixon hadn’t seen since the war. There was a skull engraved on one side and on the other it read IF YOU ARE RECOVERING MY BODY, FUCK YOU.

“I don’t know how you found us, Joe,” Dick said thoughtfully. “You don’t have to… tell us. But we ain’t exactly keen to have just anybody here.” He paused and looked quickly to Nix, who tried to make it abundantly clear by means of eyebrows that he wasn’t sure they ought to go down this road, wherever it was leading. Dick ignored him. Liebgott was watching them, fully understanding their attempted clandestine exchange. “We ain’t exactly keen to have the DEA here,” Dick said at last.

The cherry at the end of the joint atomized with a crackling hiss. Liebgott looked between Dick and Nix with extreme seriousness sullied only by his exhaling a dignified white cloud out his nose. Then he nodded, once, curtly, demonstrating he understood his orders as they had been relayed.

Nix flashed Dick what he thought was a what have you done type look. But Dick looked totally unbothered. He should have gone into this business years ago for how violently unflappable he was. He said to Liebgott, “I’ll get some blankets and you can make up the couch.”

Liebgott shook his head to say no need. He got up, careful not to scrape the chair against the floor, shook each of their hands again, and in less than a minute’s time he was back out the door with nothing more than what he’d come in with except the joint.

Nix and Dick, on the porch, listening to the crickets, watched him disappear into the darkness.

“Are we hallucinating,” said Nix eventually.

“I sure as hell hope not,” Dick replied. “We’ve got to ship all that product or we’ll starve.”

In the morning Nix was in the field, inspecting the plants. Liebgott was standing there at his quarter for god knew how long before he cleared his throat and Nix jumped about six feet in the air. There was a smirk shifting across Liebgott’s face that he would have been better about hiding when Nix had been his commanding officer. He looked like he hadn't slept. Back over there he had looked like that a lot, but it had been different, because of all the uppers they were taking. He cocked his head back over toward the long driveway and then he was off across the dew-wet grass which had already soaked through the hems of his canvas pants and his destroyed shoes.

Nix followed, like a duckling behind a hen. Liebgott still walked as though there were eyes in all sides of his head quickly processing information as he moved. Nix doubted you ever lost that kind of skill, even if in the real world it made you look like a mental patient. He caught up so they could walk side by side through the dew-wet grass. “What did you think,” he asked Liebgott.

Liebgott passed Nix the universal sign of furrowed brow that meant please clarify.

Nix gestured with pinched fingers to his own mouth as though Liebgott were also deaf. “The grass.”

He shaped his hand into an a-ok sign.

“You get any sleep?”

He nodded an infinitesimal nod, like the answer was a secret just for Nix to know.

“Well if you think it could be better just tell me how.”

Nix had had a high school friend whose sister was deaf from scarlet fever and whom he had watched on occasion communicate with her by means of sign language. Early on, back over there, he had sent off to command for a book, but by the time it came he understood it wasn’t that Liebgott couldn’t speak, he just didn’t want to. It was something like how people’s hair supposedly turned white if they witnessed some evil thing, or how people became ascetics in the name of god. If you were really fucked up on drugs or fear or otherwise, or if the natural magical thinking from childhood hadn’t been fully beaten out of you, you might have seen it as the sacrifice he had given to the forest for letting him out without a scratch so many goddamn times. It had been a bit of a trial to explain this to Spiers, who was practical almost to a fault, sometimes.

Liebgott showed another a-ok sign. Then he did a thumbs up which Nix knew meant it was good.

All in all it was smart. If he was still talking, Nix might have asked him, what have you been up to? You been sleeping on the street? You been to the V.A.? What did they tell you? And the answer would’ve been nothing good. Instead they just walked in the cool grass together in the sunshine and the morning was beautiful, and the air was sweet. It was all lovely until Liebgott had to physically stop him, laughing, somehow silently but also hysterically, from stepping right onto the razor-thin tripwire stretched invisibly across the dark gravel.

In the kitchen, Dick was doing the numbers. He took his glasses off when Nix came in and put the coffee on. “He learned a thing or two from Charlie,” Nix said, leaning against the counters.

“Who, Joe?”

“Our driveway is thoroughly ratfucked.”

“Hmm,” said Dick. He put the glasses back on and turned back to the accounting book. He was going to do this whole thing as above board as was humanly possible. The vivid daylight came through the window and struck the lens of his unstylish Ray-Bans and threw a kind of prism of color upon the white paper and the chicken-scratch sums. Nix felt like maybe this was something you would paint if you had the necessary implements and artistic ability. “Maybe we should see if we can get any more help.”

He was mildly ashamed to say it, but the doc had always kind of creeped Nix out. He imagined a hypothetical conversation with Dick, who he knew loved the kid, almost like a son: Listen, don’t get me wrong, he’s a good kid, I owe him my life, yadda yadda. But either he’s dropped the brown acid one too many times or the voodoo exorcism went FUBAR.

The doc had arrived on the farm on the heels of Sunshine and Rainbows, aka Mr. Bright Eyed and Bushy Tailed, aka one Edward “Babe” Heffron. Nix had written Babe in South Philly, being as he was a connoisseur of bud and once upon a time had been famed among their company for smoking anything anyone put in his hand, often to his own detriment. The operation was getting big enough that Nix needed another pair of hands, other than Liebgott, of course, who was still fortifying the long driveway whilst giving away his cover by playing Led Zeppelin IV as loudly as was possible. It was a tough calculation, because Babe was a genius of pot, but he couldn’t keep a damn secret, and lo and behold he had dragged along with him a dark shadow in the human form of Eugene Roe. They came up the driveway in a big old Ford pickup that rattled its rust off in the potholes. Liebgott had dismantled the traps specially for their arrival when they had called from Williamsport to say they were an hour out.

“I figured we could use a medical professional to lend some credibility to the operation,” said Babe thoughtfully, sparking a joint on the porch over sweating jam jars of iced tea.

Roe snorted or something but it wasn’t really a normal person’s self-effacing laugh. Winters clapped his back. Nixon knew Roe had dropped out of medical school after two years but there was no need to say anything. Everyone knew that. Now he was working construction and Babe claimed to be working as a mechanic in a garage, but this seemed suspect given the state of the car they had driven up in.

“Well we sure as hell are glad you boys are here,” said Dick magnanimously.

Babe exhaled an opaque cloud that rivaled Nix’s own father’s ability with a stogie. “Can we see the bush?”

They went out all together to the field and ducked between the rows of corn. Babe knelt in the soil. It was damp with dew and quiet in here. It would have been almost like over there except it smelled good. “What’s the cross,” Babe said, inspecting the plants.

“It’s an indica blend…”

“Well, I can tell that,” he said.

“So you’re an expert on the plant now too?”

“I’ve just smoked an awful lot of joints in my life, Captain Nixon.”

Roe snorted again. When they all looked to him he said, “You said in the letter there was some kind of altruistic reason for all this.”

“It’s medicine, Gene,” Babe said gently, but also like they had had this conversation thirty thousand times. Nix filed away for later the intimation that Roe had read the letter he’d sent Babe at home in South Philadelphia.

“I guess you don’t remember the psychic break you had at the Do Lung Bridge.”

Babe waved this remark off, even though Nix remembered it too. It threw a chill down his back, like a water balloon had hit him at the base of his neck. “That was laced,” Babe said.

“With what!”

“I don’t know! Something bad!” Babe turned to Dick and Nix. “Gene’s teetotal,” he said, like this was a big old point of contention.

So that counted out the bad acid. Maybe he was just like this. Maybe he had had those big sad bug eyes as a child or an infant or a fetus in the womb. “Good on you, Doc,” Nix said.

“I ain’t trying it,” Roe said, folding his arms over his narrow chest, “no matter what it does.”

The doc was a tough cookie. Babe had claimed, over there, about as high as the Byrds song, that the doc came from a long line of the kind of folks described in Dr. John’s “Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya” and that, as such, he could heal wounds with his mind. When it didn’t work, as on the night when Jackson died, or the night when Hoobler died, or in the forest when Muck and Penkala died, or the night when Liebgott stopped speaking, he went to sit for a while on the edge of camp until Dick went over and made him eat something. Nix watched them in a state of confused envy, and then he went to write the letters to the families, so that Dick wouldn’t have to.

At dusk, after they ate a light dinner of corn on the cob and rice and beans, he took the boys up into the hayloft with an armful of blankets. “Sorry this is the best we got,” he said. He had said that about a hundred god damn times since they got here.

Roe looked like he wanted to say, you’ve got to stop apologizing for everything. Instead he said, “Where does Lieb sleep.”

Babe perked up. “Joe’s here?”

“You didn’t see him in the driveway?”

Nix sighed. “He’s gonna want to know what he did wrong that you saw him,” he said.

“Does he still — ”

Nix shook his head. “Not a peep.”

In a couple days time, he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was hot and tired and stoned, up to his elbows in earth in the field, showing Babe how to replant the hatchlings he’d grown from seed. “You guys room together or what?”

“Me and Gene?” Babe’s eyes were red in the corners from smoking and from the sun. “What about you and Dick?”

Dick, who had the radio on inside turned up as loud as it would go, so that they would hear it in the field, playing Crosby Stills and Nash doing “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes.” “What about me and Dick?” said Nix.

Babe was a smart kid. He realized this was going nowhere. With muddy hands he popped one of the seedlings out of its little pot and cradled it into the ground. “Well, I think he thinks he’s looking after me, but in actuality, I am looking after him.”

#my fic #asks

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