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tkmedia-is-cosmicmystery · 7 years

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I owe everyone an apology.

Hi NutPea, Bun, B2.

Let me start off by saying that I have never been more confused in my life.

In kind of a very inexplicable way.

A combination of everything. Not particularly in a bad way; not particularly in an entirely good way, but at the same time, in the best way possible, and also in the worst way possible.

See, the thing is, all of a sudden, everything I have wanted... is being handed to me on a plate. I mean, answers to unresolved questions and loose ends that have haunted and plagued my heart and soul throughout my entire adulthood. Acceptance and peace with the conclusion of the fire in my heart that would consistently torch my mind and my entire life upon contact with the individual who would trigger these mental short-circuits that I shared my cosmic awakening with, and subsequently who launched me into my 13 year Dark Night of the Soul. Promises and clarity that never came with the soulmate who held my hand through an invisible spiritual umbilical cord across geographic distance over oceans against all odds, whom is finally speaking and taking action in a way that appears to be tangible and concrete. Realistic hope that my most recent flame, and the woman that I have decided to drop my entire life for, everything I have known, stored away in boxes, in the attic of my soul; catalogued, and put behind me - and I, would finally move on, and move forward... actual live a real life as a normal human being. My childhood mentors and the makers and shakers of my own indie career that I have always admired and respected more extremely than anybody in the mainstream indie circuits, and of course, the mainstream circuits, becoming a part of my life in a way that I never expected would happen. Old friendships rekindled and aged like fine wine. New friendships that have become a new family of a brotherhood that I never expected, asked for, nor ever thought I would find - people that are more amazing than your everyday, that are forming the basis of my everyday, that people would find lucky to have in their lives on the everyday, that I was lucky enough to encounter upon arriving. Everything that I have ever waited for, hoped for, wished for, prayed for, yearned for, ...all of it... is becoming actualized and a part of my reality. And all of this, of course, should be reason for only happiness... and of course, I am moved and overwhelmed by all of this love and support... so grateful and appreciative, that the time through the years have matured everything to what everything is becoming.

The problem with all of this; is that some of these plates require decisions. And these decisions result in commitment - something that I have always embraced. The thing is, my life currently, is full of plates that require making decisions between a whole kitchen table of plates that are comprised of the top-tier, of meals that have been prepared with so much care that I had been waiting for, for over a decade, that I had already lost hope would ever come, and that I had already made peace with, and accepted, that it would probably never come. I mean, we’re talking about, your first love, the love that carried you through the extreme depression and darkness that resulted from losing your first love and having to live in a desert of a hellpit in foreign countries so alien and far away from the home in your heart. and the current love that moves you in a way that nobody has ever been able to, to be able to let go, move on, and walk away/forward from those historical monuments, to build a brand new life that is not lesser than the historical memories that have shaped your life, who you are, and what you have become - but rather, with so much potential to not only be equal to, but also to yield more.

I knew that to make a decision, I would have to receive answers. In my heart, I already knew that my decision was to stick with what I’ve always decided, and see things through with my current love. But simultaneously, how could I completely make that decision, without context to all of those burning questions surrounding one of the most powerful loves of your life, if not *the* most powerful love of your life, prior to meeting your current love that has the potential to become a powerful love that supercedes as *the love of my life* - how can you just turn your back on finally receiving answers and context to the most powerful love of your life up to the current, that has shaped your entire life and served as the true foundation of who you are - not by accident, but by choice, and of course, by accident - in the surprise unexpectedness of this stranger coming into your life. And this individual is a stranger as a premise, because I have never even met this person in person before - we accidentally found each other on one of these earlier blog platforms, and back during the advent of the MySpace years. Now that we are in the same general geographic proximity, and this person is finally able to be honest and candid, to actually take action on meeting with me to give me context; how could I not be open to receiving these answers to age-old questions, if not only for my own peace of mind and sanity, for closure, and although I do believe that she and I are different enough by habits of comfort that we might not be actually compatible in a real shared life together - how could I turn her away if it turns out that I only perceive it this way because of the fact that the reality of how we are in real life is obscured by, well, not actually being privy to it?

But that my current love, is, my current life. And knowing that waiting to receive these answers could potentially jeopardize my entire current reality. Knowing that my current life is exactly what I have been looking for my entire life, and knowing that it has the potential to become what I have always wanted in my entire life. Knowing that she and I are more compatible and that we met beyond all odds, and found each other so unexpectedly, that beyond logic and reasoning, that we fit each other so well. But knowing that this, in itself, meant full commitment to put my past behind me. And of course, a past is, well, a past - except that this past, was never possible in the past, and it has been offered to me as a possibility... I needed to know what the reality of that possibility really entailed... I needed context. Maybe the possibility of those flames that I forced to burn out, had the possibility of actually burning in an actual reality. But also knowing that it is not practical, not realistic, because in all honesty; all of my skepticism through the years about our actual compatibility of sharing a life together in a physical reality is accented by the fact that I know with all my heart that my current love and I are fully compatible in our physical reality, and will only grow, develop, mature, and age together in our togetherness like fine wine, through the years, mutually, as One. I know how lucky I am to have found her, how privileged I am, to even have to be reflecting on these things.

With full knowledge that I am about to make a decision that is going to shift the entire direction of my life, and that I’m about to make a life decision that is potentially, (and hopefully,) going to be a commitment for my entire life... I needed closure in all other areas of my life. One of these areas, is that I needed to come to terms and understand fully if I ever wanted to entertain being in a relationship with a man; and if I even enjoyed being with men physically. A while back, while in the middle of a period in time in which I didn’t think that there was any real hope that my current relationship would ever actually actualize, I met a guy. He was very different from other men, and I only discovered more about him that opened my eyes that it’s possible that men are capable of embodying a depth that I have only really ever experienced with women. He seemed to be communicating certain things to me, but I wasn’t ever really sure what to make of it; if it was just in my imagination, or what his actual intentions were. We recently hung out again; the first time to make music together... and this time to put together a film project together - and I found that he and I shared all of the obscure music genres that have shaped my own musical background, and that we are inspired by all of the same techniques utilized in filmmaking that most people don’t bother to even notice, let alone articulate. I found that he was capable of communicating in ways that were poetic, soulful, witty, but also carried a level of practicality, and candidness. It was very refreshing, and I was surprised that he wanted to hook up with me, because usually, when men seem really serious about me, I think to myself that they’re more than likely gay, and/or, I just don’t take them seriously, because it just doesn’t seem justified. Anyways, through the course of the night, the guy seemed to make decisions and behaved in ways that led me to think that maybe he really was serious about his level of interest... but in hindsight, I am fairly certain that he is more than likely gay. And I think as confused as he might have been, or might be right now, I was probably just as confused. I needed to know, if a really quality guy came along, would I be able to commit to something like that? My family’s psychic had told us that apparently I was going to end up marrying a guy at the age of 35 - which I chalked up to him trying to make my parents feel better about my 98% gayness. But more importantly, it was something that was happening in the flow, he was proactive about it, and forthcoming in a way that was very refreshing, and I was thinking to myself that this thing with my historical love and my current love, has never really had any realistic reality of becoming actualized... and that maybe I should just go with the flow and be open to what was coming my way... to live in my everyday reality and just see where it would go and go with it if it felt right. But again, I am fairly certain that this guy is just confused and that he wants to come to terms with the possibility that maybe he is gay. And as for myself, I’m certain that I’m just at a stage in my life where I need to make decisions about the commitment of the directions of my life, and that I’m collecting all of my answers to make informed decisions.

Last night, I made a post to Super C-Man about something, and I suppose that sparked a chain-reaction in our larger web-sphere. I am fairly certain that this guy has someone: a guy. I wanted to say to you, this guy: that I am sorry. I did not know that you existed, and to be honest, part of my post to Super C-Man had to do with directing who I believe is your guy in the closet in the same direction, so that he might understand what he might be going through; because as confused as he was, I was confused as to why he was so interested in me, but started realizing what his reality might be, and wanted to steer him towards it. I think both he and I needed to arrive at the same answers, so that we could get closure for ourselves and make certain life decisions. I’m sure that sooner or later, he will realize what is more than likely bubbling under the surface, and that he will open up about it eventually. I would suggest giving him some time to process what he is more than likely going through internally, if not unconsciously, then subconsciously, and maybe even consciously. If I had known that you were a part of the equation, I would not even have entertained what he and I explored. And I apologize if you have felt hurt or betrayed - but I want you to know, that this is more than likely all a necessary part of the process, and the fruits will be yielded sooner or later. I think it’s possible that he is making a life decision for himself, and saying goodbye to what he has known to explore what he is compelled to explore - which I believe has a lot to do with his curiousity about men, and I don’t know enough about the two of you, but maybe even, .you. So rest those furrows on your brow, and just give him some time to process everything. I wish you both the best, and I wanted you to know that I messaged him today, because I wanted to have a good eye-to-eye, chat about this with him, so that maybe he might be able to see it for what it is. Please don’t see me as somebody who is out to break your home - it was never my intention. I am happy to try and help glue it back together, if that is where the current flows.

And as for you, NutPea - I hope you don’t kill me, and that you’re not too upset with me. I am just so confused, and before we cement our feet into the ridges of our flow together towards building a committed life together, I want to give you the full-on commitment that you deserve, and that I want to give to you. I just need answers and closure first, so that I can put everything behind me, and walk forward with you fresh, with clear eyes, and an empty mind, so that my heart and soul can beat and be moved on for, and with, you.

I had something at the tip of my brain that I wanted to say... but it usually takes about 1-3 months of flexing the “being a human being” muscle before I start functioning as normal again after the episodes. It’s been easier and easier, but this one has been a bit different. I’m going through some major spiritual changes, and I don’t really know what they are yet. I’m certain that they’re going to be good transcendences, because they always are. The episodes usually yield positive transformations, transcendences and evolutions in my life that are life-changing and for the better. But it takes time, and I’m certain that I’m going through something that I don’t really understand right now. My mind has been short-circuiting and blanking out a lot recently... just all of a sudden dropping from my train of thought... and I think that this is all part of my current spiritual growth. I’ll explain more soon. I think that writing to you will be able to help me articulate it and maybe coherently and cohesively understand and apply it to my life. And as I write this, I am also reminded of why I do believe that you *are* The One. Please just bear with me while I’m waiting for and receiving the closure I need.

I hope you’re not mad at me.

And I’m sorry, all. :( Please don’t think I’m a monster.

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