#the unmedicated adhd and lack of anything going on in my life prevents this | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

finsterhund · 1 year

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So a talk with my doctor revealed some things.

My ADHD meds are for the most part working as intended and I'm just understimulated and depressed. I need to work towards learning how to aim my brain and attention towards things efficiently. The meds aren't making me lack restraint or anything. Everything else is. Essentially the meds making me sit down and do extensive crying dog research for 12 hours is because that's what I "wanted" (consciously or not) to do. My meds aren't a miracle cure that will magically get me to sit down and work on things I have to work on they just give me the focus to work on things. Which is disappointing but I understand that. I was foolish to think otherwise tbh.

Self control as someone who's obsessive and has psychopathic mannerisms is obviously not my strong suit. We will be looking into switching my antidepressants and anti psychotics so that they mesh better with the mental ability my ADHD meds give me.

In hindsight this makes so much sense that the problem isn't the ADHD meds making me spend 12 hours a day on a special interest but is actually my brain's fault and the meds just allowed me to reach my true potential. Meds aren't going to "cure" who I am and how my brain works. So I need to train myself to have focus (Jedi time lol)

Also I was concerned because the meds were supposedly going to have the side effect of not being tired or able to sleep upon taking them but that didn't happen to me and I could still fall asleep and have depression naps so I thought the meds weren't working. But turns out that's a side effect for people without ADHD. And that having ADHD I can sleep regardless and tiredness is based on what my brain is doing. So the pharmacist shouldn't have told me that they would keep me up and alert because my ADHD, why I'm taking the meds in the first place, makes me different and immune to that. I thought the meds weren't working but now I realize otherwise.

ADHD meds causing my ADHD to not limit my other issues is something I really should have expected. I spoke to other people and they said medicating their ADHD made them have to raise doses of other stuff too. Guess I should have talked around. I was so focused on my ADHD and the meds for ADHD that I didn't factor into it that I don't just have ADHD. There's PTSD and depression and allegedly BPD and maybe autism we still don't know about that and everything else under the sun and I'm grieving and blah blah blah.

I just got worried when I was spending so much time doing internet research but the issue is that I just need to learn to not go all obsessed with everything.

Again, it is disappointing that I can't just take meds and solve all my problems because I don't think I'm able at the present time for significant self improvement because I just want to curl up and die because Cazza isn't here on most days. But whatever.

Again, hindsight is 2020 and of course if I have nothing going for my life and no motivation when I get my ADHD meds I'm going to put my newfound brain power into something stupid but important to me like ripping the internet apart looking for more crying dogs. Foolish as I was for thinking the unmedicated ADHD was the issue with me not wanting to play games or write or draw when it's the fact that my service dog is dead and my disability prevents me from leaving the house on my own making me depressed as fuck that's sapped any and all desire to do anything but research and mope.

Shit life syndrome or whatever. I just wish there was a way to fix it. Therapy again perhaps but phone psychiatrist appointments did not help. Phone therapist appointments did not help. Maybe now that covid is less an issue I can have in person again but gotta find the strength to make phone calls and shit ugh.

My doctor told me I gained weight since last we met which was upsetting to me. But again. My service dog is dead and I don't have a will to live of course I'm eating for pleasure and also can't afford healthy stuff. Once my surgery is done and I'm recovered I'm going to the gym again though. So there's that.

Still no word on that by the way. I was hoping they'd schedule me sooner rather than later.

Also the medicine that's a pain in the ass to take I have to keep taking and I'm upset about that. I have neglected it and I have no stickers in my planner book I'm so sad I'm a failure. Anyways.

Roommate "wants help with bills" again this month of course. But this time he told me today, when I get paid, so it's not being sprung on me surprise again. Still annoying as all hell. He was like "oh maybe I could pay you back with art" but motherfucker I haven't had the desire to commission art since Cazza died that's yet another thing that lost its value to me now that the love of my life is fucking gone I don't know when that'll come back either.

The things in life that gave me purpose and reason and enjoyment are all bitter grey sawdust to me now that she's gone. I wish I knew when that would stop. It's really painful. Again, going back to my ADHD meds. That's the problem. Not the meds. The meds help my ADHD be manageable they won't fix the fact that life is pain and suffering and I miss my baby girl and everything just feels futile and pointless now.

Roommate wants to do group cosplay where he's Obi-Wan and I'm Anakin but 1. I wanted to be Obi-Wan (lol) and 2. I don't have the motivation to get a cosplay together. I don't even have motivation for my ANDY COSPLAY. THAT'S MY FUCKING LIFE I LOVE THAT SHIT. MY LIFE IS ALL ABOUT BEING ANDY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. THERE WAS A TIME BEFORE CAZZA BUT THAT'S SO ALIEN TO ME AT THIS POINT!!!!!?????

But there's a convention around the time that I should be getting my surgery at the latest (just my luck it will be then) so I don't even know if I'll be able to. I'm thinking about how I didn't go to conventions last couple years because Cazza was sick and I stayed home to take care of her it feels weird and not possible that I can go to conventions now because my brain is still programmed to stay home to take care of her.

I miss her so fucking much man. I hate this.

I really related to today's episode of the Bad Batch where Omega was missing Echo but expressed that by being upset the ship got stolen. Because that's exactly how my brain works. I guess it makes sense because my brain is a literal child.

In my extensive search for the crying dog I basically went through a hundred years of sears catalogs (yeah I told you didn't I?) And it gave me such a respect for vintage stuff and a more understanding of how stuff progressed I guess.

It feels stupid to say but part of me wishes I could have been raised in the stupid 1950s American dream suburb white picket fence boy wearing a striped shirt with a bicycle nuclear family picture perfect magazine ass childhood. You know. I wish my life could have been a Rockwell painting sometimes. I should be grateful I was born in the 90s and got the internet and shit but idk I just wish I got one of those magical "good families" that only ever seemed to have existed in fiction to me. The 50s weren't a good time to be a minority and there was the looming threat of nuclear war and all that shit but the advertisement photos look so cozy. I crave that normalcy I guess. I need to understand that even a good childhood didn't resemble those superficial staged photos.

Maybe dreaming about a 50s childhood is an improvement from my desires to be a caveman. Maybe not. Who fucking knows. I think the underlying issue is that I wish I was raised being wanted and loved and with security and a sense of community. Blah blah blah.

To be honest Anakin being a whiny brat with issues and a violent underlying darkness makes more sense for me to cosplay because that's me lol.

This I realize is a massive rambling and all that shit but idk. I just know people want updates on my life to know I'm okay.

I guess I am okay. I'm getting by at least. Grieving and inflation are my biggest issues. I'm so mad the cost of living keeps going up but my disability income hasn't changed since covid started. Man fuck.

Wish I could have my own place. I want a nice little farmhouse cottage sorta shit with an upstairs bedroom with slanted ceiling and my own living room and a yard and blah blah blah.

The ADHD meds confusion is starting to be funny to me now. It absolutely lets me stay focused on what I set out to do. It's just something that wasn't responsible or advisable to have chosen in the first place.

I am going to try to force myself into focusing on actually making crying dogs. Or playing a game. I don't know what caused me to stop making the dogs this time. Working with the felt was so good maybe I had issues with the actual fabric. Who knows.

I think that's everything. I'll try to update more.

#text post #negative #long post #vague spoilers

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