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sandwyrm · 5 years

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So I started reading War Crimes a few days ago. Full disclosure: I am THAT person. That person that believes Garrosh would’ve been a very very good character if handled correctly instead of being thrown under the bus as a generic fantasy Hitler. And I also believe that Zaela suffered from the same predicament. To those of you who also know my SWTOR preferences, this doesn’t come as a surprise - I DO seem to have a very specific character type I end up liking and that one is always “Villain.”

So I went into this book full well knowing I’ll be reading someone’s justice fantasies and am reading it solely because I am interested in the villain. But BOY did I not expect the reaction I ended up having.

I ranted the ears of a few friends off for the past three days and I believe at least half of those people no longer want to talk to me, at least definitely not about WoW, and as such, I’ll just rant away in my little corner here just to get it out of my system. I’m sure I’ll end up offending somebody or other (rate seems about 50%) but I don’t much care right now.

So the premise is super simple. Everyone wants to just kill Garrosh but the neutral third party decides to give him a fair trial. “”””””””””fair””””””””” trial* (spoiler: the trial is heavily rigged by the author. but don’t tell her I said that) For this fair trial they have the Alliance appoint an Accuser and the Horde appoint a Defender. Now, the Horde having suffered at Garrosh’s hand too, is predictably reluctant to defend him, but Baine my new favorite character decides to do it out of honor and duty and because it is the right thing. The Accuser is Tyrande. There is a gimmick specific to this trial, in which they have access to a widget that grants them a vision from any point in the past, and any point in any possible future. They have limited uses of this to make their point. This literally never comes up again, and half those charges are wasted on pointless crap. It was probably added for ~drama~ and yet not used... okay. From this point on, my thoughts will be rambly because I am in no mood to make a serious assessment of this book or any serious essays on my thoughts on the lore. If anyone asks, I’m game, but for now, not really.

Let’s begin!

Five pages in, my will to live was already gone.

The first 50 or so pages read like somebody went to the forums and copied every single revenge fantasy post. The sanest character so far is Sylvanas. You don’t fucking want Sylvanas to be the sanest character in your book. Rethink your life. Hard.

Nobody wants a fair trial. What’s a fair trial. Oh my god, a fair trial interferes with our revenge fantasies. Fuck fair trials.

There are six(6) sane individuals in the entire World of Warcraft setting, excluding allied races. These individuals are: Baine Bloodhoof, Varok Saurfang, Eitrigg, Anduin Wrynn, Jaina Proudmoore and Wrathion. Literally everyone else is a waste of space, occupying it with pettiness and idiocy. 100 pages in, this opinion still stands.

Chromie is still transgender in this book. Good.

Everyone lore significant is here to jack off to “justice”. Good start.

Oh look Alexstrasza is here and everyone is saying it must be hard for her. Misguided, I ask a few friends - guys what the fuck did Garrosh do to Alexstrasza because I don’t remember? Nobody knows. In my despair, I joke he’s getting tried for the crimes of a different orc clan 20 years ago.

Trial starts. Garrosh has a list of crimes longer than the credits for the game. Half of those aren’t even his, I joke before seeing them. I am proven correct not before long.

Garrosh claps and laughs when the list is over. “This is fucking absurd and entertaining and I won’t say I’m guilty or innocent because what’s the point.” I agree. How would YOU answer if you just listened to a list of 300 things out of which you didn’t commit 233 and you weren’t even alive for an additional 62.

He IS getting accused of the crimes against the red dragons 20 years ago by the Dragonmaw. Let’s assume for a moment this is solely because of his association with Zaela. Even so: they were both toddlers back then. More importantly, Zaela’s entire arc in her first appearance was fighting against the orcs that caused that mayhem 20 years ago so she can restart the Dragonmaw clan as more independent and honorable and strong. So why the fuck is Garrosh getting pinned with the crimes of a different orc clan, while he actively fought against the people responsible? Because fuck Garrosh that’s why.

Alexstrasza is on my list of characters that could die and I wouldn’t care. Next time, stop being a petty piece of shit. You worked with the Dragonmaw in Twilight Highlands against a common enemy in Cataclysm. But nooooooooooooooo. War crimes! And it’s Garrosh’s fault! Somehow!

That’s not even the only thing he’s wrongly, and completely unironically, accused of.

See, one of the first “evil” acts of his was dueling Baine’s father and killing him because Magatha poisoned his blade. She told Garrosh that tauren bless their weapons with oil and herbs before a duel - and in a show of good faith, he partakes in this presumed tradition. Nobody tells him that’s not true. Nobody stops Magatha. When it’s revealed what happened, Garrosh was the first one to flip his shit and want Magatha executed for the betrayal - of Cairne, of the tauren, of the Horde, and most importantly, of his own pride and honor. Baine tells him to leave Thunder Bluff and stay out of tauren politics. Garrosh is currently dead in lore, and if you asked anyone, he purposefully cheated against Cairne. The traitorous shaman is a player follower. Fair Setting, the MMO.

You’d believe at this point this whole book is meant to simply show a parable on how people are so quick to anger and dogpile on someone, they forget common sense. I assure you this is not the case. The author is throughout trying her best to prove that Yes, Garrosh is Guilty(tm) of Every and Each of One of These Acts. Even those he wasn’t alive for. Particularly those he wasn’t alive for. Those are his worst crimes. The fucking gall, Garrosh. Shame on you.

Trial starts. First witness. Velen. What the fuck does Velen have to do with anything, we all ask in disbelief, even the characters. You see, Velen saw the orcs in their natural habitat for like 500+ years. “We’re not trying the whole orc race here,” Baine the only person with common sense sighs. “Yes we are,” Tyrande bullshits. “Accepted,” the impartial judge exclaims. “Is it true they’re bloodthirsty savages,” Tyrande asks. “No, they were chill for 490 of those years,” Velen answers. “Is it true they killed you all?” Tyrande asks. “No, fuck off,” Velen answers. “OBJECTION she is LEADING the witness,” Baine sighs. “Overruled” the obviously impartial judge answers. About 10 more questions of ISNT IT TRUE ORCS ARE BAD, we get the first vision of the trial. Orcs are bad. “Actually,” Velen starts. “No, shut the fuck up, orcs are bad,” Tyrande exclaims. “I’m sorry you had to relive that, Prophet, it must’ve been painful,” Baine offers. “OBJECTION, HE IS LEADING THE WITNESS” Baine sighs and proceeds to prove that orcs were suffering from a blood curse that turned them into awful monsters. Velen agrees. Everyone agrees. “Actually, objection, made up retcon, orcs weren’t corrupted or mind controlled by Mannoroth when they massacred the Draenei,” Tyrande exclaims. Everyone collectively agrees orcs are bad. This isn’t racism. It’s just Facts(tm). Tyrande has an orc friend, you see, she’s not racist.

Alexstrasza hates Wrathion. Just go away already, Alexstrasza, you haven’t been relevant since the Cataclysm. Accidental racism in the narrative because Wrathion stands out as the only Arab in Azeroth, and it’s Bad(tm). Accidental sexism because we get this exact line talking about a dead draenei,

this book literally says “this girl will never become a sexy woman so orcs are bad”.

Nice.

Oh, I need to include this one:

Throughout the process, Tyrande keeps hounding people into opinions and corners, and every time Baine objects, he is overruled. But Baine respectfully apologizes to Velen, and he is successfully objected against. A Fair Trial, the book.

Zaela, Warlord of the Dragonmaw. Everyone thought she died. Surprise bitches, she lived. She’s also portrayed as somebody who dragged her severely injured self out of a warzone, gathered any other survivors from her side, whisked them off to a hidden place, and licked her wounds to fight again against injustice. We all know what this type of character denotes! An insane zealot. Oh you were gonna say an awesome character, huh. Too bad.

Second day of the trial, we get an orc civilian as witness. He talks about how the Kor’kron, Garrosh’s elite military unit (whom existed before Garrosh but everyone associates with him obviously), have been hounding civilians. Baine, poor Baine, tries to argue that what the military does isn’t necessarily condoned, supported, or ordered, by Garrosh. Predictably, overruled. How else are you going to accuse someone of war crimes if you don’t accuse him of everyone else’s war crimes, get woke.

Oh yeah not to mention the list of accusations in the start included “any acts anyone has done in the name of, or by the order of, Garrosh.” So they basically rigged the whole thing from the start. And wasted Baine’s time trying to argue against it. Nice job, shitheads. Fair Trial, the sequel.

We’re shown many instances in which the Kor’kron, not by Garrosh’s orders but it doesn’t even matter, beat up random military and civilians that speak against Garrosh. A totalitarian regime. No comments here. But keep it in mind for later.

But here’s a funny tidbit: Garrosh’s totalitarian regime has never caused any civilian deaths. This is repeatedly proven by facts.

Interesting tidbit: Throughout the process, Garrosh is repeatedly described as broken, staring blankly, staring at a fixed point, never expressing anything, never acknowledging anything, never speaking, never laughing, never interrupting. Anduin notices that every time he is led to and from the court, he is very polite and obedient towards the guards. He also confides in Baine that he wants to just die already and be fucking done with it. We all know what suicidal ideation, dissociation, and lack of feelings and reactions denote! Say it with me! Major depr----- Holding the court in contempt.

Throughout this whole thing, Thrall is pictured as a martyr. See, Thrall is the person who put Garrosh in power. Thrall put Garrosh in power in order to go away and save the world. It was an understandable, temporary situation, which Garrosh wasn’t really happy about, but he obliged, for the Horde he so loved. The Shattering mentions him as temporary Warchief. The TRIAL mentions him as temporary Warchief. Except Thrall decided at the end of the saving the world business that he actually likes his freedom and new waifu, so he went on to live the life of a honorable monk who keeps the world in perfect bal--- HAHAHAHAH JUST KIDDING. No, he just went away to live his own life while acting like a drama queen that “Garrosh usurped the Horde”. You know. The man he TEMPORARILY put in charge, that he could’ve just WALKED IN on at any time and demanded he step down. Usurped. Sure, honey. Well, Thrall’s here riding with one of his babies and promising that even if the Totally Fair Trial, the direct to DVD sequel, decides Garrosh is innocent by some fucking miracle, well, Thrall here, our hero and savior, is gonna anyway kill Garrosh in painful dishonorable ways because that’s what you do when you’re a sane, zen monk, and a wonderful pacifist, and whatever else the writers have been peddling Thrall as all this damn time.

Varok Saurfang is a witness. Tyrande hounds him. Stabs him repeatedly in the sore wound of having lost his son in battle. Baine objects. The totally impartial judge overrules. It’s fine to hound witnesses if you’re Tyrande, Baine, get up to date. Tyrande then hounds Saurfang into a corner where he has to admit he would kill for the Horde. You know. A soldier. Would kill for his country. Unthinkable horror. Saurfang says he took arms against Garrosh. But that he believes Garrosh can still be redeemed, because he once had honor and ideals. Poor, poor, Saurfang. This is why noone likes you. Now see, Saurfang canonically suffers from PTSD and major depression. Every character knows Saurfang wants to kill himself. It’s “his quirk”. And yet, we have Tyrande here hounding the poor guy into a full blown PTSD episode just to admit soldiers kill sometimes. The narrative, the author, this whole crap, wants you to CHEER for this “victory”. Saurfang was an enemy, a hindrance, an antagonist, for refusing to testify against Garrosh from the first moment. He deserves this. He deserves to be harassed into reliving a traumatic experience and being on the verge of tears. Because he refused to falsely testify, like everyone else so far and everyone else after him (bar Anduin)

Shokia, a random orc sniper I’ve always liked, is here trying to rebuild her life as a former Kor’kron. Well life sucks for former Kor’kron, so she’s here doing what you do best. Which is meeting Warlord “I thought you were dead”, “Well, I lived,” Zaela. A brotp emerges. I’m rooting for the villains. My job is easy, the “heroes” are inept.

Anduin is called as a witness. Long story short, he is a precious little babe too good for this setting, and fully admits he fully believes Garrosh has good in him. Tyrande tries objecting so hard she falls off the chair. Too late. Past this point, Garrosh requests to speak to Anduin in private an hour every day. Garrosh is generally polite, and they talk a lot of philosophical stuff, up until Garrosh loses his cool. Garrosh still gives off signs of major depress------ holding the court in contempt.

Sylvanas meets her sister Alleria in secret. They plan to kill Garrosh. Obviously. Other than that, it was an actually good scene.

Kalec is a dumb Man(tm) who accuses Jaina of being selfish for having feelings over the trial and over Theramore. Jaina, just dump him honey, you can do better. I know, as being one of the six sane people on this planet, it’s hard to find a suitable mate, but trust me, you’re better off alone.

Vol’jin is called as witness. He plays the martyr for Garrosh wanting to assassinate him. The court eats from his palm. Tyrande proves Garrosh “for no reason” wanted Vol’jin assassinated by the Kor’kron. Baine does his job. “What would you do against traitors, Vol’jin?” “Well I wouldn’t execute them... I guess.... maybe a little....,” Vol’jin bravely admits in front of the court and demigods. This is maybe a few weeks after Vol’jin ordered his new military to round up any surviving Kor’kron and any surviving Dragonmaw and execute them on sight. No trial. No “they were just doing their job for whatever reason”. No sense. No pity. You’re gray or you’re wearing this specific armor? You’re dead, sucker. Canonically, only about 0.2% of either group survive this point in history, and those are the very few that actively worked to aid the rebellion. Everyone else? Dead. But hey, Vol’jin don’t execute no traitors. Baine proves Vol’jin actually repeatedly defied, disrespected, and openly threatened Garrosh with death. Baine proved, without a shadow of a doubt, that Garrosh could have, in fact, ordered the Kor’kron to dispose of him in self defense, and even so after a long time of simply putting up with all the threats and disrespect. So by Vol’jin’s own admission, he would execute himself in the given circumstances. Everyone is mad at Baine. How dare, Baine. Giving us facts. Giving us truth. Giving us actually impartial justice. shake my fucking head. Nobody blames Vol’jin for shit. He’s still a martyr.

A “nazi” elf is looking at the city. He’s lamenting the stupidity of the trial. You should hate him, because he committed war crimes himself. I can’t hate him, he’s too correct about the trial being absurd. Warlord “I thought you were dead” “well I’m clearly alive” Zaela recruits him too. I shall call them the Disaster Squad. They’re the only reason I keep reading at this point.

Anduin talks with Garrosh in private. Anduin figures Garrosh would’ve been peachy and happy and friendly if nobody had backstabbed him. Horrible. Anduin, take your pacifism out of here. We have Garrosh lash out suddenly because otherwise, he’d seem too human. Thank you writer for putting thoughts and desired reactions into our heads!

Thrall is a witness. I lose all will to live. Thrall states that he would, and has, killed the Kor’kron that were keeping the trolls hostage. I want you to go back over the part where the troll leader has repeatedly threatened Garrosh with assassination. You know, in those cases it’s Garrosh’s RIGHT to put his elite guard to watch over the people who have repeatedly expressed dissent and bloodthirst. Any dictator in history would have executed them all or rounded them up, but Garrosh had them simply under surveillance. But nope. It’s the Kor’kron at fault here. How dare they oppress people. Don’t you know you can only oppress people if you’re at least this handsome and liked by the writers? If you don’t qualify, you’re evil. If you qualify, you’re justified. Too bad, Garrosh, you don’t qualify because Word of God. Thrall further testifies a bunch of other nonsense I fazed out of and don’t even recall. Then Baine gets a chance to question him. Thrall hates Baine. Thrall loathes Baine. Thrall despises Baine. Because Baine showed that Vol’jin was in fact a traitor all along. There’s no room for fairness and truth in the Horde Leader Cartel, Baine. You’re dead fucking meat, buddy. Watch your tail. Baine proves that Thrall in fact appointed Garrosh leader against Garrosh’s objections. Against the objections of everyone else. Baine shows that Thrall threw a toddler temper tantrum and went “FUCK YOU ALL, GARROSH IS WARCHIEF” and stormed out and slammed the proverbial door during a political meeting. Everyone hates Baine. How dare, Baine. Breaking the Horde apart restating facts. Shame on you.

Baine points out Thrall has shown mercy and honorable duels to other opponents throughout the years. Privileges he has not granted Garrosh. Upon being asked why, Thrall responds literally, “Garrosh is beyond redemption”. Everyone knows I absolutely love it when this phrase is used by fans, and it absolutely makes my day when it’s used by canon sources.

Upon being asked what he would do to Garrosh, and would he duel him again, Thrall states no. By the gods, spirits, elementals ,ancestors, and all that, no, he would not fight Garrosh ever again. Not only was he planning to murder him painfully just a few chapters ago, he still murders him painfully in the game anyway. Painfully and completely dishonorably. In a way that was abhorred by all orcs. But we revere it when Thrall does it to Garrosh. Wonderful. Brilliant. Thrall our zen god who would never lie under oath or do harm, ladies and gentlemen.

Disaster Squad is here giving me a respite in this whole mess. Bless you, Disaster Squad, and Warlord “weren’t you--” “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I AM ALIVE” Zaela.

Tyrande brings her proof as to why Thrall was correct in appointing Garrosh. She literally pulls out, as evidence, a POSSIBLE future, in which Thrall had stayed warchief instead of going off and having babies in a rhythm MTV would kill for to have on its live reality saving the world. In this future, Thrall does not save the world, and we all die. So not only does Tyrande, to quote a dear friend, present her fanfic as irrefutable proof in this Totally Fair Trial the TV Series, she also basically implies that the only two possible realities are “Thrall stays warchief, we all die” and “Garrosh is appointed warchief, we all die because fuck Garrosh.” You’d wonder, then, what of the infinite other possibilities, such as... I don’t know... appointing literally anyone else as warchief? Literally any other shaman except Thrall saving the world? This shocking concept of Garrosh is warchief but noone betrays him? What are these? We’re not adults here, we’re all toddlers in an absurd and pointless carnival of despair and stupidity, it’s all or nothing!

I stopped here. I have 100 more pages. I’ll read and cry and rant when I get there.

If anyone got this far, I’m sorry, here’s a cookie. I love you.

#long post #rant #world of warcraft #garrosh #idk why i'm even tagging i guess so people can avoid seeing it lmfao #Alex Rants(tm)

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