#this is about polyamory and open relationships and QPRs and relationship anarchy

[morporkian-cryptid]

I wonder how many people before us have been in relationships that challenge the definitions of friendship and romance. It’s something that’s becoming more popular in my generation, but only on a... personal level. It’s more frequent, but it’s still a niche. I learned about other possibilities from my friends and from the internet, but it’s still not in mainstream media. Not in movies, in series, in books. It never was. I’m slowly discovering how freeing it is to live relationships outside of set boxes, and it’s something I’m discovering by myself. Partly because I have friends in open relationships and QPRs... and partly by just thinking “screw it, I might as well listen to what I want regardless of the rules, and see where it takes me”. Maybe it would have taken me longer without the help of the internet and other people’s experiences, but maybe I still would have found that freedom just by listening to myself. Someone must have done it first, right?

So I’m thinking... how many other people before me did that? How many, before they’d ever heard it was possible, built relationships outside of the norm? How many decided to ask out their crush who was already in a couple, and all three made it work? How many made out with their friends in a completely platonic way? How many raised families together with someone they had a deep affection for but no romantic love, and both knew it and were content with it?

How many people discovered the freedom of just listening to their wants and needs, without following the rules? How many people quietly challenged the established definitions of relationships, that we never heard about? Because they’re not chronicled in stories, because we only ever write about the romantic love interest, the best friend, the confidante. But there’s so much more complexity to human relationships, I cannot believe we’re just now starting to explore it. Others before us must have built something different, and thought that they were alone, that they were pioneers. I wish I could know about them, I wish more people today could now that something else is possible.

#this is about polyamory and open relationships and QPRs and relationship anarchy #if you're with the right people life gets so much better when you stop following the rules of what relationship is supposed to work whch way #i'm feeling emotional thinking about all the people before me who came to that realization #on their own #without the help of hundreds or thousands of other people on the internet #because fuck it the internet as we know it has only been around for what? twenty years? #but the complexity of feelings and relationships is inherent to the nature of human beings #you can't put it in neat boxes #it just doesn't work #i wish i could know about all the other people before me #who came to that realization and felt the incredible freedom #of not having to tie your brain up in knots trying to figure out what your feelings meant #or having to shove them under the rug because society says it wouldn't work out #and i really. really. really want more people to break out of those rules and experience the happiness of just. listening to your feelings #and building a relationship tailored to those feelings

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

Polyplatonic, but Open

Carnival of Aros - Aug 2019 - “Relationships” from The Aro Anarchist on WP [Link to Call for Submissions].

What does an ideal relationship look like to you?

What a coincidence that I posted something back in April in response to the implication that I have one ideal relationship [link to the untitled post]. By this point, I can’t pinpoint an exact year where I first heard about polyamory, but I’ve been using poly-flexible long enough that I struggle with trying put all of my potentially conflicting needs onto the shoulders of one partner.

This doesn’t mean I have to have a minimum of a certain number of partners, and I honestly may find that spoons drastically affect the point where I get polysaturated after trying polyamory out. It’s rather noticeable in trying to explain the conflicting people of that hypothetical group, but whether there’s a sexual drive or romance drive involved, those two typically aren’t combined and directed at one person. Or to put it another way, I don’t default to wanting to have a romantic and sexual relationship with the same individual. (Unless the planets and stars align just so? But I can’t really predict if or when that might happen; so, it’s safer to err on the side of it probably not happening.)

In hindsight, I think knowing about appromour [link] and wavership [link] would’ve changed how I approached hypothetical Person E (QPP) when I first wrote that post. But the gist still stands that I’m open to doing activities a partner feels is romantic and/or others may read as romantic, even if I’m not sure I can differentiate romantic and platonic.

Do you consider yourself polyamorous or a relationship anarchist? What do those words mean to you as an aromantic person?

In my response to June’s CoA prompt (Imagine A World Without Amatonormativity [Link]), I mentioned that I first encountered amatonormativity from polyam discussions. I don’t quite feel confident in saying that I’m definitely polyamorous when I haven’t had actual experience with more than one relationship, so I’ve stuck with poly-flexible. Honestly, the realization that I’m somewhere in the aro spectrum/umbrella is still new enough that I’m more likely to consider myself a polyam person approaching the aro community.

While I can understand some of the foundational theory where relationship anarchists operate from, I actually haven’t really sought out solely RA (and not overlapping with polyamory) circles. It doesn’t come down to some sort of difference of ideas, opinions, or whatever that might sound reasonable. I just got the shitty luck of the first relationship anarchist I interacted with being someone I didn’t want to interact with any further so I avoided their circles, which extended to RA at the time.

These days, particularly on tumblr, it’s a bit of a coin toss in that I’ve typically found those who overlap polyam and RA in some way. Sometimes, it’s as simple as personally following an RA structure but interacting and tagging polyam because it is/was a larger community or had more frequented tags. For me, leaning into RA doesn’t seem to have room for allo friends who don’t want to fall into amatonormativity but aren’t really committed to RA themselves. RA doesn’t seem like a one-way endeavor, y’know?

How do you feel about various models that a-spec communities have come up with to talk about non-traditional relationships?

I suspect I tried so hard to poke at whether I might want a queerplatonic partner as Person E had to do with QPRs being the most commonly referenced non-traditional relationship model I’ve run into. It’s quite likely they still serve a need, or we probably would’ve abandoned this terminology, but sometimes, I have the distinct feeling that the vague, open spaces for what “queering a platonic relationship” looks like is a tad too vague and open for some people.

Honestly, I feel like I’m treading water with keeping up on friendship maintenance (particularly as it’s moved from in-person daily interaction from school environments to solely LDR/online spaces), and I haven’t really had the spoons for poking at non-traditional relationships. I have friends who I consider Important People, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier keeping in touch, let alone asking allo friends about whether they’re comfortable doing xyz that’s different from what they’re used to doing in friendships.

Not to mention that bridging the allo to a-spec gap in a friendship isn’t exactly the same as trying to ask about non-traditional relationships. It’s one thing to be like ‘hey friend, do you mind if I do x or say z?’, but once things start to stray too non-traditional, it gets into educational territory and explaining that I’m not trying to date them. (Or force polyam on them, break up their relationship, encourage cheating, etc. Have you had an allo explain what an emotional affair was to you? 10/10 don’t recommend.)

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tl;dr While I can understand some of the foundations of relationship anarchy, I’m more likely to describe myself as poly-flexible due to longer exposure to polyamory circles. In theory, being able to split different attraction drives between a group of people works better than putting everything on one person’s shoulders, but realistically, I’m not sure if I’ll have the spoons for that in the near future, particularly when you take into account friendship maintenance spoons.

#aro spectrum #polyamory #My writing

[buildingrelationshipsinanarchy]

I've only just stumbled across the term relationship anarchy and I'm a little confused. Are polyamory and QPRs two different forms of relationship anarchy or does it have to be both or can it not be either or is it only ever neither?

You'll here different things about the spaces where polyamory and relationship anarchy intersect/overlap. For me, my polyamory is steeped in RA as a kind of model for discussing what, why, and how I conduct my relationships. A generalized version of a poly-RA intersection is the egalitarian poly model (in theory, if ever in practice), though I prefer different was of explain and understand that junction. I see it as a branch of RA but other, seemingly older folx, make larger distinctions in their definitions of the two, if not completely separate them. But as far as polyamory and QPRs being in the RA realm, they definitely, in my experience have some overlap. Polyamory discourse has had to place a large emphasis on the romantic aspects of polyamory so as to seem and express the fact that it's not all about sex. I found out and learned about QPRs through Ace/Aro discourse on tumblr and understood the way they broke down relationships and levels of intimacy and relational intention without the overwhelming bonds of attraction (sexual/romantic) which they tended not to experience. So how can these to forms of relationships overlap? Polyamory, while almost inherently romantic at heart, and QPRs seemingly build specifically because that element may not exist, overlap in the space of intimacy. QP partners tend to be very committed to their partnerships while still having the space/ability to be open to multiple partnerships the way polyamory does. Having multiple intimate partners, regardless of the ways you are intimate with them, is the largest selling point of poly/RA. Having the room to pursue, build, and connect in anyway that fulfills you with all the people in your life that have significance, providing a way to enjoy their affection and presence in a variety of ways while the others know their value is unaffected specifically because another relationship of yours involves sex, romance, domesticity, proximity, etc, is really what's it's all about; with both models of poly and QPRs being able to achieve this space and process. Also, they aren't mutually exclusive, I have a QPR, while being poly, with one my partners and it's focus is on how we grow together relationally. Romance is a passing thing that comes and goes, but the depth and the trust and the intimacy makes her a large & important part of my life and heart. Both models exist with the capacity to include multiple relationships, sharing similarities in the ways they allow us to be with the people in our lives: romantically & sexually, or purely platonically intimate, domestic sprinkled with sex here and there, etc. It is the person(s) in these relationships that really can construct or find these spaces in the vast areas of these models allow for expression, interaction, affection. But they overlap because of the free range one is allowed to build, create, structure, maintain and enjoy ones relationships.Hopefully, that made sense at all!