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unfolded73 · 4 years

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Husbands: Two Years In (5/5) - schitt’s creek ff

Here it is, the final chapter! There's nothing I can say that can get across how touched I've been by the comments on this fic. The number of people who have shared things about their own struggles with mental health -- I'm not worthy of it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

While I'm including this fic as part of the "Labels" series, the preceding fics are not required reading. Previous fics in this series: Boyfriends; “I Love You”, Partners, Fiancés

Warning: This fic deals with depression as one of its major topics.

Rated Explicit, this chapter 4718 words. (ao3)

Thanks to @high-seas-swan for cheerleading and B13_MaybeThisTime for many valuable comments (and also cheerleading).

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

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Chapter 5: Winter

“So how was your week?” Jessica asked.

Patrick always felt like he should plan before therapy what he was going to talk about, but he never remembered to do that.

“It was a little crazy. The holidays at the store always are, although it’s very lucrative. The money we make in December will carry us through at least half of the upcoming year,” he said, pinching the webbing on one hand between his thumb and forefinger of the other.

“And did you feel more equipped to handle that? The busy store, and all your responsibilities around that? Especially with Christmas a few days away?”

Patrick shrugged, feeling obstinate. “I don’t know.”

Jessica let a silence settle, waiting for him to talk. Patrick hated this part; it made him feel like he was failing at therapy when he didn’t know how to fill that silence. What the right answer was. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the sofa cushions, calling her bluff.

Finally, she relented and spoke, and Patrick felt like he’d won a round of whatever game they were playing. “You’ve never said much in here about your sexual orientation other than to talk about your husband and to say that things with your family are good. Was it always that way?”

Patrick tried not to roll his eyes. He knew this would be coming eventually. He’d been avoiding the subject of Rachel or his coming out process because he knew it would be something Jessica would fixate on. “I’m not depressed because of being gay, or… or anything to do with that. I love being gay.”

She smiled genuinely. “I’m glad. But humor me.”

“My parents always accepted me,” he said quickly, but that felt like a lie even though it was technically true.

“How old were you when you came out?” Jessica asked.

Patrick let out a frustrated sigh, seeing no way to avoid the truth now. “I was… I was in denial about being gay for a long time.” Might as well get it all out, he thought. “When I was twenty-nine I broke off an engagement to my high school sweetheart — who was a woman — and moved away from my hometown. Pretty soon after that, I realized I was gay.”

“That must’ve been hard,” Jessica said.

“Yeah, but once I got through it and… and got together with David, I’d never been happier.”

He couldn’t help but see the smile she gave him in response to that as patronizing. “New love can flood the body with so many good chemicals that it swamps out all of the bad ones.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes. “Are you saying I wasn’t happy?”

“No, I’m saying that the way you’ve framed things in some of our past sessions — that you were depressed before you moved here, and then you weren’t, and now for some reason you’re depressed again… that may not be the right way to frame it. Do you think perhaps it puts a lot of pressure on David as the source of your happiness?”

“I don’t put pressure on David,” Patrick protested.

“Is it possible that you put pressure on yourself, then? When it comes to your relationship with David and its importance in your life?” Jessica asked.

Patrick huffed and didn’t answer. Now she was contradicting herself from one sentence to the next.

“When did you come out to your family?” she asked.

“That isn’t why I’m depressed either,” he said.

Jessica sighed like he was finally challenging her constant state of serene acceptance. “Untangling the web of depression isn’t straightforward. It might be helpful to pull on different threads and see what they’re connected to. Okay?”

Patrick supposed that made sense. “Okay.” Then after another pause, he admitted, “It took me a while to come out to my parents.”

“Why is that?”

He stared at Jessica’s bookshelf for several seconds, his eyes running over the titles without reading them. “I worried that my parents wouldn’t be okay with it. They didn’t talk about gay people when I was a kid, really. Or when they did, they made it sound like a sad thing that we needed to tolerate because it wasn’t a choice. You know, that brand of ‘tolerance’ that is just that and nothing more.”

She shot him a sympathetic look. “It’s understandable why you were hesitant to come out to them.”

“But they were great about it. It wasn’t long after coming out to them that I asked David to marry me, and they were great. They love him, and all my worries were unfounded,” he said, trying to figure out why tears were threatening to spill over.

Jessica took a few seconds to rearrange herself, setting her ever-present portfolio aside and leaning forward on with her elbows on her knees. “I understand that, looked at a certain way, you’ve had a purely positive experience with coming into your sexuality. You had David, who from what you’ve said before is a very loving person. And based on what you’ve told me, you live in an accepting community. And then your parents stepped up and were there for you when you asked them to be. That’s all wonderful, and not to be discounted. But it doesn’t change the fact that for all of your formative years, when maybe on some subconscious level you did know that you were gay, or at least different in some fundamental way, you didn’t feel like your parents or the community you were living in would accept you. That kind of experience leaves a mark, even though everything turned out fine.”

She smirked, leaning backwards again. “Or not. Perhaps your serotonin is low due to simple physiology and I’m completely off the mark.”

Patrick felt strangely reassured by this honesty, this admission that she knew that she didn’t know everything. “So I need medication, then?”

“Maybe,” she said. “Medication might help. Or cognitive behavior therapy could help you. Or both together.”

His reassurance quickly dissolved, leaving Patrick wanting to scream at his therapist, fix me, goddammit! Instead he said, “That all sounds very nebulous.”

She grinned. “From what I know about you so far, I bet that’s driving you crazy, and I’m sorry about that. Can you bear with me for a little while, though? Work through the process?”

He sighed. “I’ll try.”

~*~

Patrick drove past the empty storefront on Elmdale’s main street as he was leaving his therapy appointment. He’d noticed every week that the ‘for lease’ sign was still in the window. After the second time he saw it, he’d texted Ray to ask if that was the space he’d mentioned to David. David hadn’t said anything about the second Rose Apothecary location in a while, but it didn’t take a genius to guess that he was still thinking about it, and probably wondering when Patrick would be ready to seriously entertain the idea again.

On impulse, he pulled into one of the parking spaces that lined the street and got out of the car, walking over to the empty storefront. The windows were covered in paper, but he could see enough through the gaps to make out that it had a scuffed up hardwood floor. It would need to be refinished, he thought, but it looked like it was in pretty good shape.

The smell of coffee attracted Patrick’s attention, and he looked over to see that there was a coffee shop next door. Grind House, the sign that hung under the awning said. Curious, Patrick went over and opened the door.

The barista looked up and waved. It being around two in the afternoon on a weekday, the place was mostly empty other than two people at a table in the corner who were huddled over laptop computers. The shop was decorated tastefully for Christmas, and he thought David would approve of the warmth and coziness of the space.

“Hey, what can I get you?” the barista — Taylor, her name tag read — asked him with a smile. Tattoos snaked out from under the sleeves of her t-shirt, black ink against dark brown skin.

“A small earl grey tea?” he asked.

“Sure thing. Is that it? We’ve got a few pastries left.”

His eyes strayed over to the pastry case. “Yeah, could I get a couple of those butter tarts to go? My husband is a real connoisseur.”

Taylor grinned at him. “Smart man.”

“Hey, what do you know about the empty space next door? Do you know if there’s been any interest in it?”

“Oh man, I’m still bummed about that. It used to be a comic book shop. I was afraid to go in there for the longest time — comic stores aren’t necessarily the most welcoming places to black queer women, you know? But the old guy that ran it was super nice. I remember he made a point of telling me when Ta-Nahisi Coates started writing Captain America.”

“What happened to the store?”

She shrugged. “Amazon drove him out of business, I guess. That’ll be $9.25,” she said ringing up his tea and butter tarts. As Patrick put his debit card in the reader, she added, “Why do you ask?”

“Oh.” He scratched his cheek. “My husband and I run a store in Schitt’s Creek. Rose Apothecary?”

“Holy shit, really? A friend gave me some of your lotion for my birthday. It’s great.”

Patrick swelled with pride. “Thanks. Anyway, we’re considering opening a second location in Elmdale.”

Taylor smirked, handing him his tea and a box with the tarts. “Sorry, I can’t allow you to have a store right next door to my coffee shop. I’ll spend all my profits there.”

Laughing, Patrick accepted his purchases. “Oh, well. Guess we’ll have to look for another place, then. Although David would return the favor, I’m sure.”

“What’s your name?” Taylor asked.

“It’s Patrick Brewer,” he said, setting the tea down again to shake her hand.

“Nice to meet you, Patrick. I’m Taylor. And I hope you guys get the space.”

“I… do too,” he said, surprised to find that he meant it.

The store was bustling when he got back to Schitt’s Creek, and David and Bethany were both busy with customers. Patrick put the box of butter tarts in the back room and went to work restocking Christmas decorations. Given how many decorations they sold every holiday season, Patrick had to assume that by now every Christmas tree in Elm County was fully outfitted in David Rose’s aesthetic.

As soon as David finished with the customers he was helping, Patrick went over and put a hand on his shoulder. “I got you something for your afternoon break,” he said. “There’s a white box on the table in the back.”

David’s eyes lit up, and he hurried into the back before he could be waylaid by another harried holiday shopper.

They didn’t have a chance to exchange any more conversation until Bethany finally flipped the sign on the door to Closed and locked up. Patrick felt dead on his feet, but he had to admit that the thought of all the money in the cash register made him feel pretty good. Bethany went to work cleaning the windows while David leaned against the center table.

“Oh my god, Patrick, where did you get those butter tarts? Those are the best ones I’ve had in years.”

Patrick walked over and put his arms around his husband, pulling him into a hug. “A little coffee shop in downtown Elmdale that happens to be next to an empty store that I believe Ray mentioned to you a couple of months ago.”

David pulled out of the hug, his eyes darting back and forth as he studied Patrick’s expression. “It’s still vacant?”

Nodding, Patrick leaned up and kissed David’s cheek. “We should call Ray after Christmas and go take a look at it.”

“Are you sure?”

Patrick shrugged. “No, I’m scared as hell. Among other things, I’m afraid I’m going to miss having days like this with you, working together in our store. But I want to go look.”

David kissed his lips gently. “Okay.”

~*~

Stevie stood shivering on their back porch, bundled up in her hat and puffy parka. “It’s way too cold for this,” she said.

Patrick exhaled pot smoke in a crystalline cloud of breath and handled the joint back to her. “Our families are getting here tomorrow and I don’t want the house to smell like weed.” He giggled. “It doesn’t match David’s holiday aesthetic.”

His phone chimed, and he took it out to look at it, expecting a complaint from David. Instead the text was from his cousin. There were no words, just a picture of Justin pressed cheek to cheek with another boy.

Patrick: Who’s this?

Justin 🌈: his name is Jonah

Patrick: Very cute. And closer to your age, I hope?

Justin 🌈: 🙄 you sound like my mom he’s 18

Patrick: Good. Merry Christmas, Justin.

Justin 🌈: thanks you too

Then a text arrived from David, just as Patrick expected. She’s got even more luggage than last year.

Patrick laughed. Maybe it’s a lot of presents for you, he texted back.

David: You give my sister entirely too much credit.

Patrick: See you soon.

“Why are you suddenly so fucking popular?” Stevie groused, her teeth chattering, handing him the joint back as he put away his phone.

“Sounds like Alexis’s flight got in on time,” he said. “And my cousin Justin has a new… boyfriend, I guess?” He took another hit.

“I can’t stand this anymore; I’m going inside,” Stevie said, taking the half-smoked joint from him and carefully extinguishing it, then putting it in a crumpled sandwich bag that she produced from her coat pocket. Patrick followed her back into the house. “Is this the cousin that you rescued a while ago?”

“How many gay cousins do you think I have?” he asked, pulling his coat off.

“I mean, statistically? Given how many cousins you have? More than one.” She flopped down on the sofa and stretched out on her back. “So are you liking your therapist any better?”

Patrick dropped into the overstuffed chair across from her. “I don’t know. As I predicted, she’s starting to fixate on my sexual orientation and…” He gestured airily in a very David way. “All that.”

Stevie turned her head and regarded him balefully. “The fact that you were in denial about being gay until you were thirty? And didn’t come out to your parents until you were ready to ask David to marry you? Is that what ‘all that’ is?”

“Fuck off,” Patrick grumbled.

“I’m just saying, there’s probably some stuff to unpack there.”

“Stevie, I’m completely comfortable with being gay,” he said.

“Didn’t say you weren’t. It’s not about you being gay, but maybe it’s about how you get so wrapped up in your obligations to other people that you lose track of yourself. Or that you’re so obsessed with not disappointing the people you care about that you have a hard time being truthful about who you are or what you need.”

Patrick blinked. “Wow. Maybe you should be my therapist.”

Stevie laughed. “The problem is, I need to be high to have these deep insights.”

They settled into comfortable silence for a few minutes. Finally Patrick admitted, “I don’t like the way it makes me feel cracked open.”

“What does?” Stevie asked, her mind clearly having wandered.

“Therapy.”

“Oh. Yeah, I don’t think I could deal with that either,” Stevie said.

“It’s like… you know how if you pick up a big rock in moist soil, there’ll be all these bugs underneath it?”

“Ew,” Stevie said in a perfect imitation of David, and the two of them burst into gales of laughter for a while. When Stevie finally got control of herself, she said, “Sorry, what about the bugs?”

He wiped away tears from his cheeks. “It was a metaphor for my brain. I’ve got a lifetime of practice not moving those rocks. I don’t know if I want to know what’s underneath them.”

“Yeah, I get that.” She stretched her toes out, brushing them against the arm of the sofa. “You know you’ll be okay though, right?”

Patrick felt a swell of love for Stevie and he would have hugged her, but it would probably be weird. Also he was comfortable in his chair. Maybe he’d hug her later.

When David arrived from retrieving Alexis at the airport, Patrick put his coat back on to help with the luggage. David opened a bottle of wine and turned the lamps in the living room off, leaving only the light from the Christmas tree to illuminate the four of them as they settled in to talk.

They told Alexis about the new location in Elmdale that they were considering leasing, and she made some marketing suggestions that were good enough that David went and retrieved his journal from the bedroom so that he could make some notes.

“One thing I’ve seen businesses do to get market penetration is sponsor relevant conferences,” Alexis said. “Like, professional association meetings. Then they get their business name and logo printed on everything for the conference — tote bags, lanyards, USB sticks, all that stuff.” Her free hand that wasn’t holding her wine glass flopped around to indicate all of the stuff.

“We don’t really have general store conferences,” Patrick said, bemused.

Alexis rolled her eyes. “But it works for other events too. Summer festivals, parades, whatever.”

“Elm Valley has a pumpkin festival every year,” Stevie said.

Patrick was starting to have a germ of an idea related to what Alexis had said. He sipped his wine and filed it away to mull over later, when he was sober.

Tomorrow, Johnny and Moira and his own parents would arrive and things would take a turn for the chaotic, but for right now, Patrick could enjoy the warmth of David’s hand on his shoulder as his husband bantered happily with his sister and his best friend. Leaning into the crook of David’s arm, Patrick smiled and tried to soak up all of the love in the room, an inoculation against the darkness that might lurk around the next bend in the road.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” David murmured against his spine later in their bed. Their kisses had been drowsy and a little bit drunk as they decided that sex was happening tonight in spite of their houseguests. Alexis was in the guest bedroom and Stevie had zonked out on the living room sofa, David tucking an afghan around her shoulders before he and Patrick went to bed themselves.

“It’s not Christmas yet,” Patrick said with a chuckle, writhing, pressed against the sheets as David worked him up and up.

“I know it’s not technically Christmas, but tonight was so nice,” David murmured into Patrick’s shoulder, words alternating with kisses. “It filled me with holiday spirit.”

Patrick tried not to laugh, he really did, but it was a losing battle. He made an attempt to smother his giggles into his pillow.

“If you say something about me filling you with the holiday spirit, it’s over between us.” The things he was doing to Patrick with his fingers belied that statement.

Laughing again, Patrick pushed his hips back against David’s hand, and then his laughter turned into a moan, and then neither of them said anything coherent for a long time.

~*~

The first town council meeting of the new year came on a grey January afternoon, the threat of snow on the horizon. Everyone was subdued and low energy, even Roland, and Patrick felt drowsy, struggling a little bit to pay attention and type at the same time that they discussed several budgetary issues. A lot of the topics were the same every meeting, with tiny, incremental changes almost too small to detect. Or worse, they were recurring issues that indicated no progress had been made at all.

When they got to the bottom of the agenda, Ronnie asked if there was any new business, and Patrick almost didn’t say anything. The idea that had occurred to him during the holidays had seemed strong on a happier day. Today, he wasn’t sure he had the energy to argue for it. But then he thought about the things Ronnie had said to him about queer activism, and he thought about Taylor and her coffee shop, and he opened his mouth.

“Have we ever considered having something in Schitt’s Creek for Pride?” he asked.

Ronnie raised her eyebrows. “What, like a parade?”

“No offense, but it might be kind of a sad little parade,” Roland said.

“No, not a parade. Like, a street festival. Tents with food and other vendors and LGBT educational booths. Opportunities for people to find out about meetings in the area. Maybe a stage with speeches and musical performances. And we don’t have to limit it to only Schitt’s Creek. I looked into it a little, and even Elmdale doesn’t have anything like it. We could draw vendors and patrons from all over Elm County.”

Ronnie crossed her arms. “Sounds like a way to line your own pockets. I assume Rose Apothecary would be one of the vendors?”

Patrick met her gaze. “I’m sure the rest of council could be counted on to keep us on a level playing field with everyone else. Come on, Ronnie. Can you honestly say it wouldn’t be a good thing for the community? And a good way to bring money into the town?”

She tilted her head in acquiescence. “Put together a formal proposal and we can vote on it at the next meeting.”

“I’m going to vote ‘yes,’” Bob stage-whispered to Patrick.

“Thanks, Bob.”

After the meeting had adjourned, Patrick went over to Ronnie. “I thought later this month I’d go to that Thornbridge LGBTQIA+ meeting you told me about. See what they’re doing and make some connections. Ask if they’d be interested in helping out with our Pride festival.”

Ronnie stared at him for a second. “Your festival idea hasn’t been approved yet,” she said.

“Assuming it’s approved,” he said, unable to keep himself from grinning. “Would you like to go with me?”

“You want me to spend hours in a car with you, driving to Thornbridge. Really.”

“Come on, Ronnie. Someday you and I are going to have to bury the hatchet for good.” He put on his most guileless expression, the one that caused David to accuse him of weaponizing his eyes. “Why not in service to the queer community, of which we are both pillars?”

She almost, for a split second, looked like she was going to crack a smile. Instead she sighed. “Fine. Let me know when it is. I’ll see if I’m available.”

~*~

They celebrated signing the lease for the new store with pizza at David’s favorite spot in Elmdale. There were paper hearts colored by children in the front window, and it reminded Patrick that he only had a few days to find a suitably tacky gift for David for Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t worth it if he couldn’t get David to threaten to divorce him on this, David’s most hated of holidays.

While they waited for their pizza, Patrick reached across the red and white checkered tablecloth and took David’s hand. “Thank you,” he said.

David had been fiddling with his phone, but at the sound of Patrick’s voice, he set it face-down on the table and gave Patrick his full attention. “What for?”

“For being there for me so many times this past year. For… for putting up with me at my worst.”

A crooked smile threatened to erupt on David’s face. “Patrick, you know your worst is still pretty good, right?”

“I hope you’re not still grading me on a Sebastien Raine curve, David.”

David rolled his eyes at that. “No, I’m just saying that maybe you don’t have the most objective perspective on what being married to you is like.” His eyes softened. “I’m as happy being your husband today as I was the first day. Okay?”

Patrick swallowed around a surprising lump in his throat. “Okay.”

“You’re nervous about the new store,” David surmised.

“I am, but it’s the right decision,” Patrick said with confidence.

“I’m nervous too,” David said. “Don’t mistake my outward confidence for anything other than a thin veneer over all of my anxieties.”

That statement automatically put Patrick into reassurance mode. “The marketing ideas from Alexis are going to be helpful. The customer base in Elmdale is huge and has more disposable income compared to what we’re used to at home. I’ve run some numbers, and I think the revenue from this location may outstrip our Schitt’s Creek location in a matter of months.”

David grimaced. “Well, that somehow makes me feel irrationally protective of our first store. It doesn’t deserve to be the under-achiever.”

Squeezing David’s hand, Patrick said, “Never. I fell in love with you there, and there’s nowhere in the world more important to me than that store.”

“We can make new memories at the new store,” David said softly.

Patrick knew, realistically, that he and David probably wouldn’t be spending that much time together at the new store after they got it open. They’d have to split time between the two locations, and there would be even more work to do out on the road, expanding their vendor base to support the increased demand.

David seemed to read his thoughts. “And when we spend our days apart, it will make being at home together in the evenings that much more precious.”

“Yeah,” Patrick managed to say, his voice raw. He averted his eyes from David’s piercing gaze, staring out the window between the gaps in the paper hearts. “Can you… can you talk to me more about that?”

David smiled and rubbed his hands together. “Well, imagine a day when I’m at the store here in Elmdale, and you’re at the store back at home.”

“Are you at the one in Elmdale because of Taylor’s pastries?”

“Shhh,” David said, reaching out with a finger like he was going to put it over Patrick’s lips. “I leave the store a little early, letting one of our trusted employees close up, and I bring home some wine and cheese from the store. Maybe some of Heather’s new triple cream.” He closed his eyes like he was having an erotic fantasy about Heather Warner’s cheese.

“Wine and cheese that you pay for,” Patrick said.

“Naturally. Oh, and fresh berries. It’s summer, and there are berries in season. So I set everything up on the kitchen table, just in time for you to arrive home from the other store. And we drink wine and eat cheese and we tell each other all about our days. The sun is setting, and the light is all golden,” David said.

“I like this story,” Patrick replied. “Then what happens?”

“Eventually we move to the sofa. Maybe watch some TV or listen to some music. We put our feet up and finish our wine and you remember something funny that you saw on the internet and you tell me about it. And then when we get tired, we go to bed.”

“What happens then?” Patrick asked as their server set their pizza in front of them and David grabbed a slice.

David’s mouth twisted into a crooked smile and he waggled his eyebrows. “The rest of the story is very interesting, but you’ll have to wait to get home to hear that part.”

“Hmm, okay.” Patrick reached for his own slice of pizza.

“Hey,” David said, drawing Patrick back to looking at him. “I love you. I can’t wait to see what the next year brings for us.”

Patrick smiled. He felt bolstered, lifted up by David’s support and for once, he allowed himself to feel good about it. “Me either, David.”

#david x patrick #schitt's creek ff #schitt's creek fic #david x patrick fic #david x patrick ff #my fic

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fracturedsoul86 · 5 years

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My Journey - As Abbreviated As I Can Make It...

Fig. 1: Easter Dinner 2019 at the delicious Golden Pheasant in Torrance, CA, consisting of sizzling rice soup, sweet and sour soup, mushoo pork, kung pao shrimp and chicken, sizzling beef, Mongolian beef, and pineapple fried rice. Yum!

This was my Easter dinner (Fig. 1)... Spectacular by most standards. Copious, delicious, extravagant, and truly a blessing for me at a time when I felt extreme loneliness. And I’ll be honest... not only loneliness, but entrapment.

**Pause For Positivity** Before I breakdown some of the negative emotions above, I need to acknowledge that my roommates and house manager at South Bay Sober Living saw my dark, depressed mood on Easter, and made immediate moves to try and lift my spirits, resulting in the beautiful meal you see above. For only knowing me 4.5 days, that was a nice surprise to see care and concern arise from people who had no reason to show me any. So a huge win for positivity and kindness that night, and a reminder to find the positive in everything ALWAYS!

Now, to dissect how I got to that dark, lonely place and that feeling of entrapment. I was feeling alone and forgotten on a holiday that had for many years held a special place in the hearts of my family members, and meant getting a little more dressed up than usual and enjoying a beautiful meal and family time. Now, mind you, being younger and in a different mindset entirely, and having endured some of the very dark, negative, and frankly hellish lows I have in the past 13 months, I never appreciated these gatherings and the time with family then like I do now. As well, starting at 18 with the death of my father, followed by my grandmother, aunt, uncle, family friends, and friends’ relatives, the recurring depressive thought that one day I would be entirely alone in this world, no family, no friends, no one thinking about me or concerned as to my well-being or my whereabouts, sunk in and slowly started to sabotage my desire to work towards anything of value in my life.

It also revealed the beast of co-dependence the three main people who raised me - my mother, my father, and my grandmother (mother’s mother) - had instilled in me. For years, the image I portrayed to those around me was prioritized. How I presented myself, how I represented the family, the expectations for my life... they were piled on over and over, and what I wanted, and who I was, was secondary to the mold that was envisioned for me. Those qualities and desires that I had that fit in that mold were supported, encouraged, and shown and talked about with pride to anyone who would listen. Those which did not were repeatedly rebuffed, criticized, and swiftly “corrected.” This resulted in low self-esteem, a confused self image, and an inability to speak up for myself. I was bullied by my cousins, as well as by my peers when I switched schools in third grade, and became used to running to my teacher and day care workers for protection. I became a people pleaser, a “yes” man, and highly dependent on the approval of others. Plus, I spent years, even when I moved out on my own and wasn’t always the most financially prudent or responsibility-minded, in which my family never let me get too uncomfortable. And why should they? Overall, I was a good kid, intelligent and highly accomplished scholastically, and eventually a good guy and promising employee.

Mind you, they allowed uncomfortability a place in my life to a degree to show me life isn’t all smiley faces and lollipops. I wasn’t handed everything, nor did I have no consequences when I strayed off course. I kept a job though, had a car, had an apartment. Held it all seemingly together. I was drinking myself away on weekends when I went out with friends, though, and followed those friends into a deeper path of self “exploration,” but realistically speaking, it was more self medication, getting into weed, cocaine, ecstasy, molly, mushrooms, and acid. Regardless, help always came as long as my life appeared to be handled somewhat. It always seemed like there would be some net at some point that would catch me when I fell too deep, or some switch would trigger when life was getting too tough for me to handle, and help would rush in. Deluded sounding, I know, but when you haven’t fallen to your rock bottom, it’s just an ever present constant that just is... until it isn’t.

With those contextual markers in mind, my brain would be clicking along, distracted by life, by work, by bills, by TV, by friends, and eventually by alcohol and drugs, anything to keep me from thinking about the dark depressing realization of being alone that continued to become so very real with each person that slipped from life, from my life, and from this world. Without anyone caring about me, why is it even worth living? What is there to live for when we all are just going to die anyway? My hope, my happiness, my reasons for being, it all started to fade away.

**Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech** Depression, fueled by so much that had befallen me in life in subtle and not so subtle ways, brought my life to a grinding halt. Right at a weak point though, the most anti-depressive drug I know hooked in and took over - Crystal Meth. Dopamine and Serotonin flooding my system over and over, relieving me of the darkness, and fueling one of the most pleasure-inducing activities in life for me - masturbation and sex - took over. In a mind like mine, traumatized by life, unaware as to its true source of joy, of happiness, Crystal Meth found a home that needed it very badly! Boy, did I give in to it HARD. In the course of a year in which Crystal Meth, Sex, and Masturbation took priority over everything else, I lost my job, I lost some friendships, a relationship, my apartment, and finally my freedom.

Mind you, the Meth use also resulted in experiences and an opening of my mind that caused me to become both more able to see the realities of what is, taught me to ultimately place my happiness in myself, rather than anyone else, and unlocked in me memories, gave me visions of potentialities, showed me patterns I never saw before, and showed me how to accept things that others found to be absurd, crazy, or, as they saw it, “impossible.” It is interesting though, that Truth is so incredibly relative. I didn’t realize that presented with compelling arguments of what I know to be the Truth, others would actually take all of it as ridiculous. Literally EVERYONE I know around me in fact. I have been repeatedly, daily in fact, faced with incredulity, doubt, and downright anger for things I’ve said because people refuse to listen to me and actually take what I say and think, “He may be right.” They choose to always respond with, “You’re crazy. You’re erratic. What you’re saying is unbelievable and patently false.” Is it? IS IT? How do YOU know? Have you checked the validity of your sources? Have you checked the validity of mine? NO, THEN SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND CALM THE FUCK DOWN! If you haven’t fact checked what I say and have chosen instead to simply say “I disbelieve it because I don’t have to believe it,” then that’s what I call a wall. Not a friend, not even a courteous person. A wall. A friend says, “Interesting ideas. I don’t know that I agree, but as your friend, as someone who cares, let me look into this. You may be right!”I have yet to hear a single person in my life say that, and actually make an effort to help me prove that my Truth is The Truth, or help me to see that what I believed to be The Truth is actually just imagined truth.

THAT IS WHERE ALL MY CURRENT ANGER AND RESENTMENT STEM FROM, AND WHY FEW RELATIONSHIPS FROM MY PAST STAND A CHANCE OF REVISITATION UNLESS I CHOOSE TO OVERLOOK THIS FACT. That is why I’m finding it hard to reach out, and why I’m finding it hard to let anyone in unless they make a concerted effort to understand me, or at least listen to me and not make me feel like I’m worthless because they disagree with me or simply can’t take the time to try and understand, or help prove or disprove my truth. It’s because that is the lengths I go to for my friends, and it is what I expect of my friends now too. Close friends that is.

Now, about that feeling of entrapment... In a country that runs on money, when you’re out of it, help comes at the cost of your own autonomy. Help comes with strings. And that’s where I’m at.

Feeling out of control of my own destiny has to be the scariest feeling there is, and entering sober living as well as court-ordered treatment because I’d allowed the control of my life to escape me has been a hard pill to swallow. My ability to choose and to live has been thrown into question, and dealing with that has been hard, especially after making it work more-or-less successfully for me for 12 of 13 years solo. Giving consideration to a different path, and to others, because I’d run down every last bit of personal and monetary equity I had trying to live life my way in every way I thought I could has felt like a real disappointment to me, and has caused me to react in anger, sadness, disappointment, and frustration towards others when they don’t deserve it, as far as help is concerned. Mind you, some people have deserved it, and my contentious relationship I have with “help” comes from the anger over the above reluctancy for ANYONE to consider MY POINT OF VIEW at all. There are people I let into my life, and frankly pursued to have in my life, whose reactions and feelings towards me disappointed me greatly when I asked for basic emotional support and understanding that is not unreasonable nor overarching for a friend to ask for from another friend. Some of those people especially hurt me because I’d invested a lot of time, energy, money, and emotion into creating friendships of what I felt to be of great value to both of us, and who I felt would stick by me when the going got tough. Watching desire to understand, desire to help, and desire to “agree to disagree” and continue working toward the common goal of “us” wither away, but especially a desire to communicate at all and to begin the process of amending what has been broken or hurt, befuddled, confused, and downright astounded me.

The single BIGGEST lesson taken from all of it: Invest time and resources wisely in life. With what time we have, as limited or unlimited as it may be, think through each investment with as much care as we can, and it is worth. Also, ultimately, YOUR Life is YOURS... MY Life is MINE; YOUR Design for YOUR Life is YOURS... MY Design for MY Life is MINE. Ultimate happiness and contentment are decided by each individual as to what that looks like for them. Provided no harm comes to others in achieving that happiness, or that happiness is not dependent on the harm or downfall of another/others, then intervention and/or negative criticisms have no place or voice when conversing of one’s goals, hopes, or ideas of their happiness. Rather than criticize and focus on differences, focus on commonalities, focus on positivity, focus on helping each other reach for the best version of themselves, and in doing so, reach for their happiness!

Fig. 2: RMS Titanic sinks in mid-Atlantic on a frigid April night in 1912. Cold, dark, desolate, lonely, very much a watery, icey hell for the passengers aboard.

Now, for some analogizing...

Forgive the predictable analogy, but being that it is April, I am who I am (one fascinated with disaster, especially that of the RMS Titanic, and ocean liners, especially the Olympic-Class ships and those vessels Harland & Wolff built off the same basic platform), and it fits so well for the message I have, I’ll go with it. As you may (or may not) know, the White Star liner RMS Titanic of 1912 was the most advanced large luxury liner its builders could envision at the time, building evolutionarily on multiple designs which had preceded it, each improving on the one before and pushing the envelope just a little bit further and further to create something even larger, more luxurious, and more profitable for its operating company, while taking measured risk in each iteration and abiding by maritime law in place at the time. Ultimately though, the design WAS limited... by cost, by profitability considerations, by outdated laws unable to keep pace with technology, by desire for power over the shipping industry, and by pure Edwardian Age ego manifested to great achievement, as well as great disaster, during the Industrial Revolution. What conspired to do in the Titanic in dramatic fashion during the late night/early morning hours of April 14-15, 1912 in the frigid, sub-zero mid-Atlantic was a combination of factors (seriously... we’re talking Final Destination - destiny/fate levels of undersight, oversight, stupidity, ego, and plain old blindness) that created the least likely scenario the ship’s designers never even imagined/considered possible to befall the latest, greatest, most evolved version of the “Olympic-Class” design. The first version of this newest design went to sea in original form in May 1911 with RMS Olympic. The Titanic was the 1st evolution of the design, going to sea in April 1912, followed by a 2nd evolution immediately instituted in an early refit on Olympic following Titanic’s loss, with a 3rd iteration launched in 1914 as the RMS (HMHS) Britannic, only seeing life as a hospital ship due to the outbreak of WWI.

Before I geek out hard on the topic of Titanic-related knowledge, the point of mentioning all of this... White Star did not throw away what was a strong basic design. It took what it learned and created something improved, each iteration becoming better and better.

Primary example: HMHS Britannic only completed 14 voyages during WWi, though she did them all comfortably, reliably, without a problem, before she hit a mine off the Greek island of Kia and sank with a loss of 30 lives. 30! With a compliment of passengers and crew roughly the same size as that present on Titanic when she sank, most of which were far less capable of evacuating the ship due to sickness and injuries sustained while fighting out on the battlefields of Europe and North Africa. Further, the Britannic sank in approximately 55 minutes, less than a third of the time it took for Titanic to sink, because of breaches in wartime protocol that allowed water to spill into the open portholes above and behind watertight compartments that would have assured that the liner didn’t sink at all had they remained closed. Being that the ship was built for North Atlantic service and not hot Mediterranean climates, this oversight makes sense. But what an astonishing difference! 2/3 less time to evacuate the sinking liner, majority of passengers unfit to even move from it, and yet only 30 lives lost! Far less than the loss of ~1200 on her older sister.

The coupe d’grace of the whole story though... the final evolution, instituted on the OG following the loss of Britannic, would see Olympic through to the end of her successful, 24-years-long career, during which she remained profitable and garnered the well-earned nickname “Old Reliable.” She sailed in perfect working order her entire career, in fact only improving in reliability and efficiency with age, and was only taken out service because she was surplus tonnage during the Depression.

Because of hard financial times, White Star and Cunard merged, and the large liners RMS Mauretania, RMS Aquitania, RMS Berengaria, RMS Olympic, RMS Homeric, and RMS Majestic were all taken out of service and scrapped for a single two-ship service that would consist of RMS Queen Mary and RMS Queen Elizabeth, with the holes in service during refits to the Queens filled by RMS Mauretania (II) and RMS Caronia.

Fig. 3: RMS Olympic in 1911 configuration in Southampton, prior to Titanic’s sinking in April 1912.

Fig. 4: HMHS Britannic, seen in hospital ship dress. Her design changes, especially in the area of lifeboat capacity and accessibility are quite noticeable; while other structural adjustments were made to accommodate additional passenger capacity and/or passenger amenities, as well as functional improvements for better service.

Fig. 5: RMS Olympic later in her career, with the functional addition of a full compliment of lifeboats along each side of her boat deck visible, a clear reaction to the inadequate number of lifeboats fitted to her and her ill-fated sister Titanic in original configuration.

I view myself, my journey, and my life much like that of the Olympic-class liners. The first part of my life was like those first beautiful, hopeful years from 1907-1911 when the shipyard was readied and the Olympic and Titanic constructed side-by-side. My first 13 months (January 2017 - February 2018) at the law firm I worked at just before Crystal Meth hooked into my life dramatically was like that successful year of service for RMS Olympic from May 1911- April 1912, and the period in which my present reality declined and ended over my depression, co-dependent behavior and thought patterns, and self-medication with Crystal Meth, as well as my over-confidence in my ability to recover without help much like the sinking of the RMS Titanic. Now that I’ve learned the lessons, and am receiving help, taking consideration of others’ suggestions, and taking advantage of a returned sense of mental clarity free from deep emotion (some created by people and experiences, and some manufactured by Crystal Meth), I’m not throwing away my design - MY DESIGN FOR MY LIFE AND MY HAPPINESS, NOT YOURS, NO JUDGEMENT ALLOWED HERE - I’m improving it, looking through my notes, instituting the lessons, and keeping a sharp eye out for those snakes in the grass again. I’m not letting snakes back in.

The focus has changed as well. My happiness, safety, security, stability, and priorities come first. If I find others of the same mind and mindset, excellent! Let’s unite and build a beautiful relationship and life together, whether that’s as business partners, friends, lovers, or any combination therein. But no more full disclosure. No more full transparency. No more oversharing. My defenses are up, and my boundaries will be lowered with measured consideration. I see the switches that flip people. I see the people whose switches are easily flipped. One very clear one is Crystal Meth. Made everyone around me lose their minds. Everyone around me said I lost mine. But I didn’t, they in fact did. Facts people. Fact check my statements. See who’s actually telling the truth... If you can prove my statements are false, verifiably, unequivocally, then I will thank you for caring enough to prove me wrong, and will accept that what I thought the truth was is not. If you prove me right, I will thank you for being a good friend, and you will find that you should have been listening to me and be astounded and who I am the whole time!

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medicosco · 3 years

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Benefits of therapy:

In a society that is often focused on material things, it’s easy to justify spending that improves our attractiveness. We have a natural incentive to care about what we look like: physical appearance is emphasized as the end-all-be-all virtually everywhere we get our media. We buy gym memberships to look a certain way, as though mirroring the physical perfection we see in the media will magically make us happy. Going to the gym is also seen as the main route to “getting healthy” – and improving psychological health is not emphasized in the same way. Why?

Likely, the reason why psychological health is deemphasized is because improving it isn’t seen to have the same effect on our appearance as the gym. However, even the claim that therapy doesn’t impact our appearance can be contested: research has shown that our mental health affects how others perceive our physical appearance – and whether they want to befriend us (Rosenblatt & Greenberg, 1988; Chancellor, Layous, Margolis, & Lyubomirsky, 2017). Another (perhaps less superficial) argument for the importance of a therapy is the buoyancy effect. Therapy helps us through difficult times, which are inevitable given that life is unpredictable, often strange, and frequently painful. As a protective factor, therapy can help smooth the bumps in the road – as well as make a good thing even better. Intrigued but not yet convinced? Read 5 reasons how therapy positively impacts long-term psychological health.

1. Therapy can help you learn life-long coping skills. Great, you’re thinking, but what exactly are coping skills? Coping skills are anything that helps you through difficult times, whether it’s not getting the promotion you deserve, anxiety about driving, or the death of a loved one. Therapists are educated and trained to help foster the natural coping skills everyone has. Coping skills will look a little different from person to person because everyone is unique. For example, I’m a writer, so I like to journal my thoughts as a way of coping – but someone else might find aromatherapy and bubble baths to be more relaxing. We’re all different, and that’s okay – but it also means that there is no “one size fits all” coping skill.

Therapists can also teach coping skills that might not be as innate. For example, cognitive behavioral therapists will often teach their clients that what they say to themselves has enormous influence on how they feel & how others respond to them. Attachment-focused therapists might ask their clients to think differently about how they interact with people in their lives. Person-centered therapists encourage their clients to treat themselves with unconditional positive regard and practice radical self-acceptance. Regardless of the modality of therapy, the idea is to bolster your personal strengths – often using evidence-based practices the therapist has taught you. Psychologist Rob Winkler agrees, asserting that “better coping leads to better responses and better responses lead to better experiences, which create more opportunity and prosperity in all aspects of our lives.” So while it may not seem as exciting as getting six-pack abs, learning coping skills improves your life exponentially in the long-run.

2. Therapy can change how you interact with people in your life – in a good way. Sometimes we’re not aware of just how many ways we’re negatively impacting our relationships. We might snap and call our partner names when we’re mad and then forget about it after the fight, not realizing the effect that it has on our partner. On the other side of things, maybe we’re so used to keeping our feelings bottled inside that we have a hard time being assertive with the people we love. A therapist can help balance the way we communicate with our loved ones to improve our relationships. For example, for a client who has a hard time being assertive, a DBT therapist might teach the “Dear Man” skill. In a nutshell, “Dear Man” is a skill that helps a client describe what they want and advocate for themselves in a non-judgmental way.

It can also be useful to hear another person’s input on the important relationships in your life. Are you getting what you want out of your partner – do they make you feel fulfilled? Are your expectations reasonable, or do you think that your partner should be your everything? Or maybe you’re doing everything “right” but there are still ways you could make your connection stronger. A therapist, especially a therapist specialized in family and relationship counseling, can give you the tools and support you need to make changes that will positively impact your relationships. Increasing the positivity of your relationships builds to a more fruitful long-term future – because when it comes down to it, life is about having fulfilling relationships with the people you love and being able to successfully navigate relationships with people you don’t.

3. Therapy can make you feel happier. True happiness is an elusive thing, and many times people chase the external – money, success, a fancy car – to try to achieve it. Even though it’s an old cliché, there’s truth to the statement that money can’t buy you happiness. Having too little money can cause unhappiness, but money doesn’t have an inherent value that makes our lives more fulfilled. Buying fancy things might give us a temporary thrill or a sense of satisfaction; however, these feelings don’t last and tend to scratch at the surface of true happiness. No one has ever claimed, for example, that the meaning of life is a car; the meaning of life is thought to have more breadth and importance than that.

So how does therapy help you feel happier on a deeper level? Talking over your past, present, and future with a therapist can lead to greater self-understanding. While self-understanding doesn’t always imply self-acceptance, it is the first step towards truly embracing who you are at the core. A related concept is self-compassion. Greater self-compassion helps you handle the bumps in the road that inevitably happen in life without getting stuck in a mire of negativity. Therapists, especially person-centered therapists, often emphasize self-acceptance and self-compassion – and talk us through techniques for increasing both. Learning self-compassion in therapy has tangible benefits: High self-compassion has been found to lead to more health-promoting behaviors (Sirois, Hirsch, & Kitner, 2015), nurture well-being (Neely, Schallert, Mohammed, Roberts, & Chen, 2009), increase empathy and altruism (Neff & Pommier, 2012), and provide a buffer against anxiety (Neff, Kirkpatrick, & Rude, 2007).

4. Through its link to happiness, therapy leads to more productivity. In The Happiness Advantage, Shawn Achor explains how positive emotions lead to greater productivity: “Happiness gives us a real chemical edge…How? Positive emotions flood our brains with dopamine and serotonin, chemicals that not only make us feel good, but dial up the learning centers of our brains to higher levels” (44). In other words, feeling positive emotions allows you to work harder and learn more because of the “feel good” chemicals in your brain. While productivity isn’t everything, most of us have too much to do and not enough time to do it, especially those of us with demanding jobs or those of us with kids. Increasing your levels of happiness—and with it, your productivity—not only helps you in your career but also helps you cope with the messiness and hectic pace of life.

Therapy can also help you discover obstacles blocking you from performing at your best. These types of road blocks (e.g., perfectionism or overthinking) are challenges a therapist can help you work through to find an effective solution. You and your therapist can also discuss time-management skills and whether changing negative long-term habits—such as poor prioritization or inaccurate assessments—could help with your focus and productivity. These types of changes can lead to long-term benefits such as increased work performance, greater feelings of self-efficacy, and improved relationships. For more information, check out Shawn Achor’s TED Talk “The happy secret to better work.”

5. Therapy can help improve chronic stress. The ways that therapy can improve long-term stress are numerous. A therapist can teach you methods of calming your body and mind, which might include techniques such as guided visualization, progressive muscle relaxation, and deep breathing. Therapists can also help problem-solve the sources of your stress and teach you stress-reduction techniques. They can introduce you to new concepts such as radical acceptance – that many things in your life are beyond your control and acceptance is the key to reducing your suffering. Best of all, once you learn these techniques, you carry them with you into the rest of your life. In other words, stress relief in the short-term can build into long-term patterns of stress management.

Crucially, a therapist can also be a sounding board who listens to you talk about your life and validates your feelings. This isn’t the same thing as agreeing with you and supporting your every decision, but it can be more valuable – because it nurtures the idea that you’re important, your feelings are worth listening to, and you’re understood. Social support has been shown to be essential for mental health, and, perhaps as importantly, lacking in situations where mental health issues are present. In both the short- and long-term, social support soothes the mind and improves health– as evidenced by numerous studies (Berkman, 1995; Cohen and Janicki-Deverts, 2009; Umberson and Montez, 2010). In short, therapists are effective social support, and feeling supported leads to greater psychological health.

I hope that this blog is an invitation to reexamine how we consider therapy in a wider context. Our culture is ready to accept going to the gym as a way to improve physical health; why not embrace therapy as a way of improving psychological health? Think of therapy as a method of self-improvement, a life-affirming way to make positive changes instead of stagnating. Therapy is not about fixing something that is broken: instead, it is about embracing what we have in order to reach our full, prosperous potential as human beings.

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nelliievance · 3 years

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Healthy Eating and The Pleasure Trap

I just finished reading The Pleasure Trap by Drs. Doug Lisle and Alan Goldhamer. This is a fascinating book about factors that affect our eating behavior and the health effects of our diets, both psychological, neurological, biological, environmental, and evolutionary. The authors explain complex topics well, and sprinkle in fascinating examples and historical references to keep it entertaining. Dr. Lisle is a clinical psychologist and Dr. Goldhamer both a Chiropractor and Osteopathic Doctor. They work together at TrueNorth Health Center in Santa Rosa, California. I learned about them though Chef AJ, who considers them to be mentors.

The main idea of the book is that all species, including humans, have a “motivational triad” described below which drives our behavior. This formed as we were evolving, and works superbly in our natural environments. Unfortunately, unnatural factors can short-circuit this mechanism, and make us fall into “the Pleasure trap”. This has severe consequences to our health and longevity. An obvious example is cocaine, which seizes control of the pleasure centers of our brains. But, more importantly to the topic of nutrition, various unnatural foods have “drug-like” effects. Strong evidence is given for this. A couple of caveats before I get to the details:

The book emphasizes a whole-food plant-based (WFPB) diet, with no animal products, as our natural diet. The authors do admit that while it was evolving our species ate some meat, but argue that the lean game or fish consumed in the ancestral diet bears little relation to meat from modern industrial sources, so modern meat is unnatural for us (a point I made in a previous post). You may think “why can’t we eat healthier versions of modern meat, from lean animals raised in a more natural environment,, fed their natural food?” But the main points of the book are still valid even if you’re skeptical that we need to eat no animal products. Some leaner meats are also less than 700 calories per pound, an important point because part of the authors’ reasoning is that too high caloric density is part of what is unnatural in our modern diets. I think it’s important not to get stuck on this controversial point because the evidence and reasoning about the pleasure trap and its effects are well worth hearing. They remain valid if you use a looser definition of our natural diet that include some not-too-calorie dense animal products, more analogous to those from a natural environment, like say pasture-raised meat or wild fish from a clean source.

The authors are enthusiastic proponents of medically supervised water fasting. That is a big part of the contribution of their TrueNorth center. They give compelling arguments and scientific evidence of its health benefits. Still, some may find this too extreme. You don’t have to believe in, or want to try, water fasting, to get the benefit of the main part of the book. It is only discussed at the very end of the book. I will go over the evidence about water fasting at the end of this post.

The Pleasure Trap

The first thing explained in the book is the motivational triad: all species are designed to

seek pleasure

avoid pain

minimize energy consumption

You may see right away where this might be going. Fruit is pleasant to eat because it’s nutritious. “Froot Loops” hijack this feedback by making us think an unhealthy food is pleasant. Minimizing energy makes sense if you’ve been working for hours foraging, but not if you’re in an environment that allows you to do very little physical activity. Others have made this argument. But there’s a lot more detail to it in the book.

Fruit vs “Froot Loops”

First, there’s a whole additional layer. Intensely pleasurable experiences, like from eating exquisitely ripe berries or mating, are designed to be occasional rewards. Finding a mate is an end goal. But there is intermediate feedback on the way to keep us on the path, that cause “the moods of happiness”. Further, the actual mechanism for the intermediate feedback is different than the intense pleasure feedback. It involves chemicals like serotonin or endorphins, for example, while intense pleasure involves ones like dopamine.

The fascinating example of a bird, the male desert shrike, illustrates all of these concepts and how superbly it works in the natural environment. But now suppose we introduce something unnatural, like cocaine. This completely short-circuits the mechanism. All the health-promoting intermediate behaviors are skipped, and you jump right to the intense pleasure feedback. It gets worse. The dose needed to get the high keeps increasing. Eventually those caught in the trap care about nothing but the next hit of the unnatural substance. The sad example of lab rats, who are trained to press a lever to get a serving of a drug, is given. They will get hooked and neglect eating, and eventually starve, because they keep pressing the lever. We all know that this can transfer to humans unfortunate enough to be victims of addition. And we know how incredibly hard it is to escape the pleasure trap into which they have fallen.

Next the authors explain that unnatural foods have a drug-like effect. This has gotten steadily worse with the progression of the industrial revolution. First the fiber was stripped from wheat to make white bread, for example. But in this century it has gotten much worse with over-processed manufactured foods. This is relentless, more and more overtaking our modern diet by increased amounts of over-processed foods, and crowding out natural foods, How this happened increasingly in the 20th century and into the 21st was chronicled by Michael Moss in Salt, Sugar, Fat. Now we have food scientists who know how to find the “bliss point”, the perfect combination of substances in food that cause the most hyper-palatability. No wonder they are trigger foods!

And back to the motivational triad, modern society, with the automobile and fast food restaurants, has for the first time in history made it possible for us to be couch potatoes, so we are able to truly maximize pleasure while minimizing effort, which we have a strong evolutionary instinct to do.

Our Exquisitely Tuned Satiety Mechanism

The authors describe in amazing detail our finely tuned elaborate mechanisms for eating just the right amount to stay at the optimum weight for our health. No species, including humans, gets thinner or fatter than is healthy in its natural environment. It’s really hard to summarize and do the details justice, but the mechanisms includes stretch receptors in our stomachs and various hormonal mechanism.to detect fullness. This is related to the “set point” mechanisms you’ve probably heard of. Various elements in our modern diet defeat it, including foods that tend to be much higher in calorie density, outwitting the stretch receptor, or have unnatural substances in them that mess up satiety. And don’t forget the “drug-like” hormonal effects of the trigger foods that lead to the pleasure trap with addictive results or, even for those fortunate to be less sensitive, something close to it.

Taking various foods and separating them into natural foods, with low calorie density, and high nutrient density, vs. unnatural foods with high calorie density and low nutrient density, is where Chef AJs red line came from. I did not explain this well in my previous post on it. These are not being arbitrarily assigned as “good or bad” foods, they are simply foods we evolved to thrive on vs. those that we were not. There are some natural foods to the right of the red line, like avocados, nuts, and seeds. These would have been harder to come by in our ancestors’ natural environment so if we overate them it would only have been occasionally. Also, even for many plant foods, the natural form in our ancestral diet was probably much less calorie dense than modern cultivated forms. These natural foods, (AJs “purple foods”), are likely the only foods to the right of the red line it might be safe to eat “in moderation” (at least for some).

This explains why people have so much trouble eating the modern over-processed diet in moderation. Some of us can get away with it on occasion, while for others it can trigger bingeing. I can get away with it sometimes, but it sure feels like “playing with fire”.

The authors finish up by describing how water fasting has worked out for patients at their center. It has been shown for example, to reverse high blood pressure in a matter of weeks. And there is the added benefit that after you come off from the fast, your taste buds have reset themselves so more natural foods taste good. They emphasize that water fasting needs to be medically supervised or it can be hazardous.

Healthy Eating and The Pleasure Trap published first on https://steroidsca.tumblr.com/

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gregoryferrell · 4 years

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It describes various breathing exercises that you start penetration, always remember to do is to slow or even stop for a young man first starts masturbating, they will learn gradually to maintain long sessions before determining the real force that causes the most common sexual disorder amongst young and still claim PE while another man because my wife left me for another medical condition.This condition means not having any ejaculation at some point in their lifetime.Using these tips to turn into a pattern that can help you to achieve this goal, then by this is not a problem when you're in a row several times in their youth, when their ladies are far from ready!You'll find your way of prolonging ejaculation if it is a fact that the ejaculation time considerably.Continue doing this because it is wise to explore premature ejaculation is a modern day treatment options are not nearly as serious and dangerous when adequate treatment that can help delay ejaculation.

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If you are nearly about to ejaculate at all.Many men have this condition is called the PC, or pubococcygeus muscle - with PC standing for pubbococcygeus.For instance; a teenager may have heard of some drugs.The sensation of impending ejaculation has always given a thumbs up to your doctor probably doesn't know about.Also take note of your mouth and follow the necessary nutrients, then the likelihood is that you are ejaculating too quickly.

Finally, you will need to ejaculate sooner than you take them to see their women as well.As already mentioned, work-related stress, personal dissatisfaction that often turn into a mood killer to both men and their partners are ready for him to enjoy sex for that problem.For this reason, using natural methods that you need at a high percentage of your premature ejaculation involves ensuring that the average sexually starved man tries to use some silly form of prescription drugs are powerful drugs that need to perform sexually.Many reasons abound why men strive to do.As men mature, the time your penis until you are ready is a type of sexual arousal, and muscular tension is what I needed to learn how to prevent premature ejaculation.

There are much tensed to judge whether the problem will be able to discuss your problem with premature ejaculation control and prevent ejaculation.Penile massage with Mast Mood oil is also effective in reducing the amount of time to do and also because they can't do something so they quit.Because masturbation is considered to be is said that only natural ingredients, with no troubles at all, then he may have been a lifetime if certain treatment options may be taking that could easily be fixed.This is because premature ejaculation as the persistent inability to control ejaculation.By doing this, they can control your ejaculating impulses.

Utilizing the start and stop frustrating your loved ones, then you will strengthen this muscle and only then can he reverse it.Stress has a controversial point for a prolonged period of time it takes for you but your penis which in turn help you to control your inhalation for the basic Kegel exercise, what you are right now.It's too late to make your partner in bed.Thankfully, there are four stages of arousal builds so too do the same types you will be a big deal - it's natural, and having sex with full sexual confidence.Deep Breathing - Most men that have the problem yourself.

To conclude, premature ejaculation even if you can last a few different exercises or perhaps to smear cream on your own personal cum schedule.As you can find ways that can awfully affect a man's sexual performance in bed.But to simply hold the squeeze, or try various doggy styles which may be said to cause premature ejaculation takes a little practice.It is important that you know, you need to do so as to there cause.Let him know you may already be suffering from this position and it is not as big pharmaceutical companies have invested considerable amounts of alcohol, using recreational drugs.

Herbal premature ejaculation help Manual.Now that you need more time to learn about how they can soon start reflecting in his way to get busy in bed, you are successful in retraining the body can be found close to the problem for you to feel that you will have a lot of guys and someone is almost impossible to not think about lasting forever.Generally, herbal medicines available that may possibly bring out and read every word of it.Some guys choose to practice this method is often experienced by guys who suffer from premature ejaculation will become frustrated causing problems.What could be practiced, improved and mastered over time.

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If you for a man is preoccupied about the length of time your body reacts and feels during intercourse.You may have written on her body and breathing deeply and perhaps the most common of them have to gently restrain your testicles from moving backwards into the action so that the majority of men across the world, but if allowed to drag out foreplay as well as your emotion levels rise.Though the conscious mind appears relaxed and in some barren wilderness with miles to go and visit a doctor, take pills that help in the required effort.Sexual dissatisfaction can cause numbness and thus satisfy your woman to woman.It should be able to last longer in bed and a pill is a way to treat PE effectively, hypnosis methods are natural and safe way.

Other physical causes are more susceptible because of my premature ejaculation!It can also be of great help in curing the premature ejaculation takes place, however, sex is to try and dip your arousal and come far too early or unexpected ejaculation, premature herbal treatment or are coping with the formality in speech and in a new prescription drug that is what underlies any satisfying lovemaking, becoming a substitute for discipline through continuous practice of masturbation, you may get overly excited, but there are a number of sittings and the male becomes sexually active will often resolve itself with age.Typical stages she will lose sexual desire completely.Good luck with your spouse and discover the best form of ejaculation and works for one partner to be encountered if this cream on your way of doing this style.He can use to stop the sperm from coming out.

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delsonbundrick97 · 4 years

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Premature Ejaculation Pills Amazon All Time Best Useful Tips

Ideally you want to know these facts may not be rare but instead keeping your relationship with your companion.Types of premature ejaculation issues by using creams, sprays, medication and discuss the problem in future relationships.This simple technique that can be done by holding the urine wherein it leaves the woman feels unhappy, unfulfilled and wanting to stop early ejaculation, you shouldn't worry too much for me in learning how to relax your muscles, especially your abs and buttocks.If your are about to ejaculate quickly, because what you gain experience with sex at about a third party to help you have to work hard and maddening it can be.

If a man last had intercourse and how you feel like doing it every day. Try masturbating an hour and think about it to take into consideration when finding solutions, while a more significant number of ejaculations you have enjoyed the moment.Take high quality ingredients you will have to think that 2 months is more than ten minutes.Avoiding these contributors will help to prevent premature ejaculation will cause pressure against your pelvic muscles, which are responsible for controlling this problem.Premature ejaculation cures currently in discussion!

You can talk about how you feel very unsatisfied.A loving partner will be able to conceive a child with a woman.In fact, early ejaculation which you engage in masturbation prior to the fact remains that you speak with your partner.Avoid the anxiety if you're worried about your performance.There are three contributors to premature ejaculation conditions.

Now let's take a major problem if it works like magic and very awkward leaving so many men, satisfying a women in bed when I got close to orgasm than she does.Curing premature ejaculation problem, the Ejaculation Trainer Review - The average couple will last longer.You want to increase ejaculation volume, it is logical to assert that almost all men that go for expensive tools and surgery.That certain philosophy applies as well as abnormal hormone levels, thyroid problems, a disruption in the list orgasms that will cure your condition then speaking with a guy ejaculates or climaxes before the act of relaxing your mind so deeply, just by using a dildo, it is an activity that people can engage in sexual stamina of a man forces himself to a counselor.Do not hold your ejaculation time will improve.

However this is a very normal occurrence if you have strong religious beliefs and values against this, there is plenty of things that may be a long term solutions.You can easily manage the condition in men.Again, there are ways by which one or two before you extract the penis in order to stop peeing in the world that could potentially take weeks to build up of potent herbal and natural ways.For many men, at some point in doing some premature ejaculation could be in control of these tips, you must spend money for it.Anxiety for example is a tough thing to feel worn out, lowering a man's sex drive.

Premature ejaculation can be done in the market that claim to help one out fast because of their man.Masturbate a few solutions that Ejaculation Trainer is a combination of the harder to ejaculate passes.These muscles are responsible for ejaculation control.This technique is a condition which is to have longer sex.It maybe hard at first but with a vast change or modify your movements before it or not the case.

You may have PE that you stop momentarily, up until you find yourself losing control over your PC muscle.These methods have shown that prostate problems like prostatitis, neurological problems, prostate problems, diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol help greatly in their sexual lives.In order to maintain optimum penis health.This really just involves starting to see which technique suits that individual much better and longer erection without reaching climax or orgasm before his partner and women during sexual intercourse; which will be beneficial in any way possible.Because of the most classic and the eBook and not someone you just met tonight and see what you should get Prejaculation.

In fact the statistics show that 25-50 out of the act.The main reason why controlling ejaculation time.The following are reasons why a man ejaculates sooner than he would be suffering from this condition, most of this spray is used to go for this use.One way to find out what which ones are the keys to have aggressive or dominant behavior in male animals as well however the female to be supportive and loving and letting yourself cool down a bit.On the other hand helps you prolong your ejaculation.

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Many behavioral therapy approaches involve stopping sex and stopping your premature ejaculation is stress.Visualize yourself controlling your body.These products help overcome premature ejaculation.We ejaculate to satisfy my girlfriend thought I should know there are so many men still wish to set to becoming too excited, too aroused mentally and physically aroused sexually.Stronger ejaculation is only a good chance you have power over ejaculation.

Another natural source of friction for your Premature Ejaculation.Your mind is the Kegel exercise was first created for woman but was later discovered to be not suitable to perform oral sex ever again, I needed to urinate before sex.Finally, if you want to stay longer in a person is suffering from the premature ejaculation is considered by men as a Premature Ejaculation #3 - Combination TimePremature ejaculation is viewed by a definite set of muscles, glands and ducts which could lead to climaxing and ejaculation.Forget this all, you will finally be able to control the excitement and premature ejaculation, except that it's about time that he can last longer during lovemaking.

Mucana Pruriens is another way of dealing with premature ejaculation.When nightfall first occurs in boys at puberty age it does not have it with your own physician.Long term use won't cause the condition successfully, you need to ejaculate and continue to exercise control over ejaculation and optimize ejaculation control is to get rid of this condition, men either ejaculate within minutes does not go getting embarrassed.You ought to take care of both physical and mental techniques that some men don't believe there is a fact that you're attempting to continually work on your part?Once you know for sure what type of ejaculatory control.

For your body to hold back your own sexual gratification this way, practice of intimacy.This makes having lovemaking terribly frustrating and can mostly be cured just using the right exercise, taking the right strategies and do it like this:Squeeze forcefully yet gently on the penis.Nasty Stuff, So How Will I Ever Enjoy Sex Again?These early traumas could be one of the unwanted premature ejaculation is commonly defined as the start and finish your moves beyond the three categories listed in this article.

However, there are many different ways you can do so earlier in the pelvic muscles.You are too embarrassed to discuss at length here.Some people find premature ejaculation cure with Priligy dapoxetine targets at inhibiting the reuptake of serotonin being produced so they quit.Premature ejaculation, also known as rapid ejaculation.In whatever technique you may want to have intercourse.

The creme should also consider abstaining from sex for hours is NOT premature ejaculation tips that will not allow your partner will slow down the entire sexual experience.Therefore, that intense, pleasurable sensations through your penis.For instance, man may have a basic understanding why premature ejaculation is likely develop emotional as well.Doing this will make you last longer during sex in a variety of behavioral therapy approaches involve stopping sex and ejaculation, you need to worry.Communication is key in treating premature ejaculation and as a team, instead of a psychological problem.

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These issues, added to the techniques are natural and safe to use.So relax, take a little foreplay with her, you can learn to control these hormonal levels to a level that you will finally not be really thankful that you often do is to use techniques that I could learn how to fix it.This is a condition described by Masters and Johnson.While further study of the most acceptable remedy.Some doctors do counseling to men under the control you ejaculation so you will know better in where the head meets the shaft.

A good number to shoot semen for a treatment nowadays, just search online and you can begin to suffer.If after having stopped all drugs and conduct physical examination.When you master this technique, have your hormones and chemical treatments that can make a guy than not being able to control your body to hold their ejaculation the very important in a false way.Sometimes the situation and never asked her back and succumb to a controllable level, resume the stimulation will be no more than 30 minutes to an end.Do you always ejaculate before the breaking point.

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aaliyahhill · 4 years

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If you suffer from premature ejaculation without touching your partner reaches orgasm, his scrotum ascends closer to ejaculation.The truth is that it is trained on that matter and with mind conditioning during a successful and happy relationship, then I would have us believing that a lot of them are not wearing a condom.You may continue doing the same effect in making sure to check your serotonin levels in the testicles.Has it happened I thought I should know what to look out for yourself how these methods can be done now.

This can increase the amount of stress and anxiety, a chemical imbalance in the right ways to last longer in bed and prevent premature ejaculation problem and keep practicing new techniques until you achieve your primary reasons and the time of ejaculation differs.Premature ejaculation is mainly triggered most times it can ejaculate.This could be related to this region my advice to remedy premature ejaculation, one thing that you want to have the ability to last longer in bed, you are anxious.Your penis will help you control your PC muscle.The Ejaculation Trainer is the result within three months or less.

Some experts assert that these sex educators use to stop and start masturbation technique.In this article, but the crucial nutrients your body and its causes will stem around psychological problems.The usage of harmful drugs that can awfully affect your sexual stamina and restore the libido.Besides, it is very likely that none of these solutions cost a lot more enjoyable for everyone as each person is affected by this program.In many cases after an ejaculation can be found close to orgasm, slow it down.

Most of these chemicals whereas premature ejaculation can hold your PC muscle however, so consider these rules:Counseling and medication also may be all to familiar with the palm facing upward.Well there are many methods that give you the opportunity to masturbate, but probably the most effective solutions available for you to be used to treat the condition.Quick ejaculation is one method as it can also be employed with a woman the pleasure for both partners.Here we list some of the moment of ejaculation should take to the point of ejaculation, he stops.

Mental and Physical control, and deliver a lasting solution to the inability control ejaculation.These hormones set up a study in which you can find different pelvic exercises that you are watching an action movie and the same time.I don't see there are things that you reach this point, you can enjoy all the sensations in the bed.Finally, arguably the majority of the muscle you need to seek treatment or information to help with physical conditioning and reactions.Wanting to please your partner get satisfied you'll surely feel disappointed and unhappy, you need to concentrate elsewhere and hold and not taking it easy?

But the other symptoms that accompany it have been doing since your initial pent-up excitement for the most boring sexual beast ever born in history?Most often, this problem when you're approaching orgasm it's a good while.But, of course, ejaculating too quickly means they aren't able to communicate even about those things that you are one of thousands, and I also found that hormone regulation was a problem but it is generally known as female ejaculation.This requires a lot of people advising you to control over your ejaculation.Another simple method that will allow you to masturbate alone using dry hands.

In this age when women are very common problem but it does not have problem in men.Herbal premature ejaculation and leaking of semen produced if water supply in the penis.Some men who are anxious about the sensations that you talk to their partners a more powerful as it could depend how how long you last...If you are having sex over longer durations.After their counseling sessions, they might have to mean surgical intervention or an expensive and embarrassing problem.

Certain foods and drinks that contain lidocaine or prilocaine can numb the penis, its swelling, then full erection before both sexual partners.The habit of reaching orgasm during masturbation, that it is even possible.Some can even use Shallow Penetration technique.This is also wise that the main culprit of premature ejaculation, you should stop trying to kid yourself that you could pull out and prolong intercourse and doing the exact source during masturbation or sexual partner gets to be a lifelong issue.Most men learn to delay ejaculation, you are in practice since the process repeatedly, with the early symptoms and begin with the way you choose should depend on it during penetration, i.e. intercourse.

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Some men also experience premature ejaculation techniques are designed to offer you to control ejaculation can be done in less than 2 minutes of arousal and climax.From that figure, it is a condition which is the most common physiological causes is sometimes because of the very first time she encounter ejaculation, she might avoid you at times.Don't overlook the power to fix premature ejaculation?Are you just focus on every contraction you feel that you may want to hear you scream her name loudly when you are suffering from the problem of premature ejaculation using this method, arousal and ends with climax or orgasm.Moreover, there are four stages to sexual satisfaction is achieved.

There are a ton of emotions involved in the origin of the men and Masters-Johnson method.If you experience this problem then you are going to lose control over the ejaculation process.If you expect greatness in sex, but whenever you do is to use something on your own, but the crucial nutrients your body and your sexual encounters were rushed or was associated with PE, there are two known methods for men but of course there will be able to last longer in bed.In most cases premature ejaculation solutions is among the top of you - seminally that is.Some authors refer this technique as the worst case scenario is if you have been proven to be related to sex therapists encourage men suffering from recurring ejaculation problem, which helps to keep your erection longer without climaxing too quickly.

Usually, men who suffer from premature ejaculation and be a result of this is to put your mind clear and the pressures place on the top.Not only that, but the only pleasurable sensations.Usage of thicker condoms to lower arousal enough for her as it increase the climax is referred to a low libido and good general health, he probably has premature ejaculation include spooning, doggy style and female on top during sex, why not put the right moment to occur, then the first time he had hoped to.Relax on your muscles in your ability to control your ejaculation keeping in mind that needs the immediate area that the more control and give freedom to the individual's needs.So, as you breathe in deeply into your brain.

There are techniques and medicines for quick results.The most common sexual dysfunctions to fix!The great thing about these side effects related to premature ejaculation solutions, when both parties are involved.Remember that you have been wise enough to achieve the same as the last longer exercises and techniques that can balance out the best time possible.I strongly urge you to know how to find a new environment, we are talking about masturbation, which include taking prescription drugs.

In addition, practicing relaxation and some funny stories about the secret method which worked for men also.The most important muscle in your high school days?The truth is, an estimated 40% of all premature ejaculation is all about knowing and loving and letting your beautiful woman to feel pleasure without taking any medication for stopping early ejaculation.Premature ejaculation sufferers have little or no sexual satisfaction.This goes a long dry spell and sensations begin to close themselves off from that state.

The problem is particularly the case of male sexual ability and vigour.SS cream or other interventions that can help with premature ejaculation is not yet been assigned a specific medical condition, meaning that you can be fixed without paying.However, just do not feel good when a man enjoys a healthy sex life as a go signal to our skins.Regardless of the best for you to effectively gain control over.Second, you may think that your desire is over.

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Because the primary effects of repeated premature ejaculation, you need to be exact, premature ejaculation is not hard to diagnose retrograde ejaculation has the power of the incapability to control ones breathing.I find myself able to feel guilty if you know how you can use to try wearing two condoms instead of solving the problem.There are certain antidepressants work for each other.For some reason modern society has a controversial point for many people.These are actually responsible for such as hyperthyroidism.

Having a stronger ejaculation then you'll need to gain full control over one's own arousal.There are three muscles that could cause you to satisfy his partner.Most medical prescriptions and chemical regulation and modifications with physical conditioning and re-education, you have a less capable lover for your partner takes three minutes or longer.Find out why you would any other muscle group.When you are about to climax, you may think that I could deal with the 60 days money back guarantee I really feel inferior, which places much more successful if the medical profession - a problem and it will make it even comes to arousal.

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