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guns-n-jovi · 2 years

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So, this is my ultimate 80s dream world if I could go back in time…

It’s sometime before 1987. I live in LA in West Hollywood in a shitty apt right off the Sunset Strip. I work in one of the bars, perhaps the Whisky or the Roxy, as a waitress or bartender. I get to see all the cool up and coming bands play BEFORE they hit it big. Guns plays my club and, of course they meet me and instantly, we all get along like we’ve known each other our whole lives. They all love me like family; I’m BFFs with all the guys. Except that cool, articulate, dark, quiet one with the soft brown eyes, rosebud lips, and gorgeous Romanesque nose. He LOVES me. Like every woman DREAMS of being loved. With every fiber of his being. And the feeling is definitely mutual.

Anyway, the guys end up shacking up with me in my tiny apartment and its OKAY. We all live together like one big family. The quiet one finally tells me how he feels about me. The band gets their record deal. There is a song written about me that becomes a number one hit. Written by Mr. Izzy Stradlin. The words are so heartfelt and deeply personal. Of course, I go out on tour with them. I cook for them, clean for them, do their laundry in laundromats all across the country. It is a life on the road in a luxury tour bus and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I am not a slut. I am not a whore. Unless you count the epic, passionate sex I have with Izzy. He treats me like the lady I am at all times—well, maybe not at ALL times. 😉😏 The boys love having me along on tour. I bring so much joy and happiness to them.

The most dangerous band in the world? Yeah, sure. To everyone in the world but me. They do drink, they do do drugs. But it’s never out of control. There are plenty of women. For four of them. For the fifth boy, only ONE girl. Forever.

Steven never gets fired, Izzy never leaves the band, Axl keeps it REAL; he doesn’t sell out for big money. Their success isn’t fleeting. It lasts many years. But all along the way, there’s one girl who’s ALWAYS there. Who knows them all better than they know themselves. She is ME.

I ADORE THIS! Clearly, you've put a lot of thought into this! It's so good, I love it. This is every woman's dream, I know.

So, here's mine:

I, too, grew up in LaFayette, Indiana, and lived on the same street with Axl and Izzy. (I don't know if they actually lived on the same street in real life, but they do here, lol.) While Axl sings, Izzy sings and plays guitar, I have a particular ear for keyboarding. When they were barely old enough, Axl and Izzy moved off to Los Angeles, and I was left alone in Indiana. Never really relating to anyone my age, and always preferring my two guy best friends, I feel so lost without them and miss them so much. (I'm 18, at this point.) So, after talking to Axl and Izzy on the phone, they both think I should move out to Los Angeles with them. It was hard to imagine that kind of life at first, but I realize there really is nothing for me anymore in Indiana. At any rate, my music interests could thrive more. So, with nothing at home, my best friends in Los Angeles, and better chances for my music career in LA, I finally move to a small apartment in LA.

For about a half a year, or even less, everything feels dead. The idea of a band is temporarily abandoned. With Axl and Izzy more interested in the women they're meeting than their lifelong best friend, I feel somewhat forgotten, depressed, and feeling like I've made a bad decision by moving so far away from home.

One day, I'm sitting in a coffee shop, jotting down half-hearted song ideas and struggling to focus my mind on what I'm writing. Unenthused, my mind wanders, and soon, my pen is on the wooden table, and my face against the glass. Staring out at the bus stop, watching people come in and out like toy marching soldiers, I'm very zoned out, lost in thought- but not thinking very much of anything.

And I see something- someONE- that makes me freeze in my tracks.

A boy, or a really, really young man steps off of the bus out on the streets. He's wearing jeans, a black tank top, and holding a leather coat around his dark, muscular shoulders. He has a straight, squared jawline, chocolate eyes, deep, dark, shiny skin glowing with youth and health, and mahogany, glossy curls blooming around his face and bobbing when he takes a step. With one large, dark hand, he's holding his black, shiny leather coat together at his chest. He squints into the golden sun that illuminates his face and is gracefully brushing his hair back with his palm of the other hand. His face no longer hidden behind the heavy curtains of dark hair, I see his full face, and his blinding smile he gives a friend of his that he's with. He's a stranger, but he looks to be my age, and he is beautiful.

He's 19 year old Saul Hudson, but I didn't know that at the time. For all I knew, he was just a gorgeous stranger who I immediately thought I'd never have a chance of seeing again. Is LA not huge?

I have this desire for him that I can't get over. None of my friends know anyone who fits his masculine, youthful description. He's seemingly lost in the throngs of people that inhabit the Los Angeles vicinity like a needle in a haystack.

One day, Axl calls me. He tells me to come to his apartment because he has a potential guitarist for his band. "I want you to meet the guy- he's cool, you'd like him." So, dressed in my usual black leggings, black tank top, and black leather coat, I drive in my car that desperately needs a paint job to Axl's apartment. When Izzy lets me in the door, I am stunned.

It's him- it's the young man who I had seen ascend from the bus and walk gracefully down the streets. I'm more sure of it than anything; although I'd only seen him once, I'd know his looks anywhere. The thick, full lips, his shiny skin, muscular biceps and shoulders, and those sinfully gorgeous curls of dark hair, he was too familiar to me for me to forget him.

I notice all these things in the span of one second. Shocked, I hurry toward him, but trip through the door frame. (Pause: I know what you're thinking- WHY would she WANT that to happen? It would be so embarrassing. And you are right. BUT, I can say that I literally "fell for him", and there's this cute story basically everyone knows about the first time we met.) Izzy and Axl rush to help me, but it's the stranger who smiles, shakes his head so that his curls rustle, and extends two dark, large hands to help me up.

"You okay, miss?" he chuckles, softly. "I hope you're not hurt or nothin'."

Our hands still together, his smile slowly fades into more of a soft, subtle look as we search each other's eyes. I'm speechless- not because of the sheer disbelief at this coincidence, but because of how beautiful he is. He's so much more beautiful up close- I just want to melt in his hands and let him do whatever he wants to me. Axl and Izzy watch, before Axl clears his throat and introduces us.

We talk for about an hour, ascended in a cloud of cigarette smoke and sipping drinks. I don't say much that whole hour- I mainly stare at Saul Hudson (who told me, in our initial greetings, that he goes by "Slash") in scarlet-faced silence. When he sees me staring at him, he gives me a shy smile, blushes, and looks down at his feet that are nervously tapping in black cowboy boots. As we leave, Slash asks me for my number, and asks if I wanted to meet him at The Roxy the next evening at 8 for dinner.

I leave that date more giddy than ever, having talked to Slash like I knew him my entire life. To say I'm "in love" would be an understatement to beat all others. He's the one, I tell myself. I've found my Mr. Right. The insane thing is, I have this feeling I cannot shake- that he feels the same way about me. I know, more sure of it than anything, that Slash and I are each other's soulmates.

The rest of Guns N' Roses soon forms, and Slash and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We spend every minute of every day with each other in rehearsal, or hanging out with the other guys, but go out together every night to have some time to ourselves. It's the best time of my life- when I fall a little more for him every day, when I start to dream of the life we'll share together- and there was never, ever a doubt in my mind that our relationship would end. No, we were destined to be together. Made for each other. Nothing would ever change that belief of mine.

However, when Appetite For Destruction starts breaking records and topping chart after chart, I'm momentarily distracted from Slash and my immense adoration for him. I'm the keyboardist of Guns N' Roses, but because I am a female in a male band, MANY heads are turned. The boys of GnR only let me be in the band at first because they thought I was cute and pretty, and Axl and Izzy did not want to turn down their childhood best friend. But they all soon realized I was talented, popular, and could get the band far. I have worshippers; people who see me as an example of how women can thrive in an environment inhabited primarily by men- and rowdy, sometimes feral men at that. While some haters did hate, the majority of the world saw me as beautiful, talented, and still with a sense of poise and dignity, despite being a member of the most dangerous band in the world. I was still distracted by all of that in fall of 1987.....when Slash proposed to me, asking me to become his wife.

It was an easy answer. Yes! And yes led to "I do", until Slash and I were a rock n' roll supercouple. Playing alongside each other in a band, we were inseparable, doing everything together, never leaving each other's sides for a moment. In addition, we were wholly committed to each other. On our wedding night, we confessed to each other that it would be hard to remain devoted to one another in an environment that constantly offered so many temptations. We swore on our lives and everything else that we were made for each other, living for each other, and we would be each other's one-and-only till the end of time itself.

I was very close with all the members of the band. We were a family, and they were closer to me and more beloved by me than anyone else. I adored each of them so much, in ways that made each individual friendship special. I had inside jokes with Steven, a secret handshake with Duff, and an unshakable emotional connection to both Axl and Izzy because we'd shared our childhoods. Then, my beloved husband- the light and love of my life- Slash.

In interviews, I was asked my amazed interviewers how I ever dealt with all of them, and if I ever came close to losing my mind. Giggling, I shake my head and say, "It's like having a bunch of mean big brothers." We did bicker, only playfully, but it was me who added an element of simplicity to the band. An element of basic life to the high lives they lived. I cooked for them warm, home-cooked meals whenever it was convenient for me, I talked them through any drama they had with girls or with other guy friends, took care of them, and was really almost a mother figure in the band. (Pause: That is SO weird, but this whole thing is, so please don't judge.)

The band hit its first patch of turbulence when Steven was no longer a member. Losing Steven shattered me completely. Steven and I were so close, such close friends, and I started to miss him and bawl for him when we were at rehearsals, and I knew he'd never come back. The others were spiteful and bitter towards the former drummer, at first, at least. But I began to blame Axl. It was the beginning of the end for mine and Axl's lifelong friendship. While Slash was bitter towards Steven at first, he was willing to relate to me and Steven enough to console me, and help me through a time he knew was hard. I was the only one of us who would still talk to Steven for a little bit, and I saw myself as a bridge over the gap of torn bonds between the four men left and Steven.

Just as I had healed from losing Steven, Izzy left. The day Izzy left marked the day I lost my deep emotional foundation in the band. When I lost Izzy, a part of me left the band with him. My heart for music went with him. Izzy...my dear, dear Izzy. With his new band, and me still in GnR, seeing each other was made nearly impossible. It was even worsened by the fact that Slash didn't want to see Izzy anymore. But he knew how much Izzy meant to me. So, for me, he began to mend his bond with Izzy and get at least on speaking terms with him, so that whenever we met up, it wouldn't be hideously awkward.

By the end of Use Your Illusion 2, I had no heart at all left for GnR. None. I used to wish guiltily that something would happen to eradicate the institution of the band. Not the band members, but the band itself. The truth was, I wanted it gone. What had been such a blessing to me for five or six healthy years was now a ball and chains. In addition, my relationship with Axl was worsening by the day. Soon, we never even spoke to each other in rehearsals. It was because he knew I missed Steven and Izzy, and he felt that I blamed him for them leaving.

So why didn't I leave?

Slash, of course. I was beginning to feel under the impression that Slash shared many of my feelings, but he wasn't ready to let go of GnR just yet. Whenever I sprung a reference to wanting to leave, he would talk to me, and softly convince me to stay. Even though he was very gentle about it at first, I obeyed him as diligently as if he'd yelled at me about it. My biggest fear was losing Slash, and endangering our sacred relationship. If Slash wanted me to stay, I would stay indefinitely- willingly and with a good attitude. If he wanted me to leave, I would immediately leave. But until then, I stuck it out for him.

GnR was virtually abandoned by the late 90s. And I had so hoped that would be good for me- I hoped it would be what I wanted. When it came to pass, I found myself in a state of withdrawal from having to give up my identity I'd had for six years. Heartbroken by golden memories now long gone, friendships inhumanely severed, and a dullness in my life, I am only existing for a while, and not living.

Izzy was who I talked to after I'd talked to Slash about it. While Slash comforted me in every way he knew how, I'd found I'd always liked Izzy's style of advice- I'd asked it often. So, when I found the guts to confront someone other than my husband with it, I poured my heart out to Izzy and found myself begging his advice and wisdom.

There was a pause, in which I could almost feel him glaring at me from through his black shades.

"This may be in inappropriate suggestion, circumstances being what they are," he prefaced. "But..."

He leaned forward. "Have you ever considered joining another band?"

Of course not. Sure, it was logical, and latent in plain sight. But the thought had never crossed my mind. When I admitted to him I had not, after fearing he'd judge me, he suggested that I join another band. He thought it was a good thing that I'd lost Guns N' Roses, but not that I'd lost involvement and had fallen out of practice of keyboard and piano. So he told me to be on the lookout for any new job opportunities.

It was not very long after this that Velvet Revolver began. I had been offered the spot as the keyboardist. A keyboardist wasn't needed for the kind of music they played, but Slash and the others convinced me that my association with the band could help it gain some more fame. Besides, they promised to write in some parts for me. Still, I was skeptical, and very nervous. What if it ended badly, the way Guns had? Still, a part of me wanted to give it a try...so I did.

I ended up loving Velvet Revolver. It was almost as fun as the early days of GnR had been. Slash, Duff and I- older and more mature- laughed on the golden memories of our happy youths, memories of the band, and sat on the hoods of our cars late at night, remembering the old days and watching the stars. Velvet Revolver healed me, reigniting my love for music.

My life, nourished back to its form nearly twenty years before, was in a good spot. Slash and I had never been closer and loved each other more. I had no regrets on my life, no bitterness anymore...well, almost none.

I still held a grudge against Axl, because I felt the metaphoric sinking of GnR in its original form was his fault. In addition, I had seen firsthand the effects of his fiery personality. From things as small as remarks that hurt my feelings to things as large as the St. Louis riot. All the same, I still loved Axl. I didn't always like him, but I still loved him, and hadn't had the courage to admit it to anyone. I couldn't just let Axl go, even if I had ample justification. He was my childhood best friend. We couldn't obscure our childhood memories in a sheen of anger. And although it had been nearly ten years, at this point, since I'd ever spoken to him.

I wanted to mend our bond. It was the only bitterness and regret in my life at that good, good point. But it had to be addressed. For a year, I was too nervous to do anything about it. For a year, the idea of forgiving Axl and making up with him was abandoned. But one day, I remembered- with a laugh- that I'd once said the idea of a band forming in the mid 80s had been abandoned, and wouldn't go anywhere. And it had, hadn't it?

I called Axl, and when he heard my voice, he didn't hang up as I had expected. I heard a delicate timbre behind his voice, as if he were emotional to hear me speak again. He wasn't crying- he'd never cry. But there was a bittersweet, nostalgic emotion in his voice that I knew all too well. I felt the bittersweet nostalgia myself, more times than I could count, in more ways than I could ever begin to tell anyone.

It wasn't very long afterward that GnR began touring again. I was asked if I would like to join Slash, Duff and Axl, to which I laughed, wondering why they'd even asked me! Did they not know I would be in, and all in? They could have counted me in without even asking my permission. They knew, as well as they knew anything, that I wouldn't miss it for the entire world, and everything in it.

I wrote you a book, Shells. 😂

Man, I am WEIRD!!! But I LOVE it. It makes me so happy. Now, I understand that nothing about this is realistic. I know there is no way on EARTH GnR would ever let a girl in their band. But, in this universe, they would! And that girl would be yours truly.

I need a life, lol. 😂

#shells 🐚#my southern sis 🧡

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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James & Ava

James: I can't see you today Ava: Oh Ava: Well, that's a shame James: it is Ava: What are you up to? James: my dad wants me in the office Ava: Ahh, okay Ava: Well no worries, Monday then James: I won't let anything stop me Ava: I understand Ava: It's cool James: if I can find time to call you later, hearing your voice would make me feel better about a lot of things Ava: That'd be nice Ava: really nice James: missing you is the nicest cliche I think I've experienced James: for a long time Ava: I can't stop thinking about you Ava: so it's good to know you've thought about me too James: of course I have James: I am James: it's what's going to get me through today Ava: Oh James Ava: I'm going to talk to you all day, in my head James: I was going to take you to [insert a cute date location that wouldn't take very long to get to because he wouldn't have had long] so make sure you tell me what you think Ava: Would it be entirely too tragic for me to go alone and pretend you're with me? James: no more tragic than if I ask you to take enough pictures for me to be able to pretend that I'm there Ava: Of course Ava: I owe you for my picture of you 🥰 James: you don't owe me anything James: I'd give you so much more if I could Ava: Me too, I wish I could take pictures just for you Ava: Have to get old school and get a P.O. box James: or keep them on your phone & show me when you can Ava: That I can do James: but will you? Ava: If you tell me how much you want it James: the only thing I want more is to see you in person Ava: I really, really miss you Ava: It, I can feel it James: I'm really sorry, darling Ava: It's not your fault Ava: and it reminds me it's real James: It's my fault James: I could stand up to my dad & say I don't want to work there Ava: If it were that simple, you would've Ava: it's security for your family Ava: you can't just do it without a backup plan in place Ava: least of all for me James: I should have a backup plan James: it's bullshit that I don't Ava: You can make one Ava: you'll have a degree and experience now Ava: you can at least apply to other places with that, get out from under your dad, then think about what you want longterm after that James: Oh Ava Ava: You can, and you will Ava: You're like just finished with Uni now Ava: who knows what they're doing before then, you only have to front you do because children James: I want you to be right Ava: I am Ava: You're smart and driven and good James: how do you know? Ava: Because I said, you can't live like this forever Ava: and you won't Ava: what's the alternative? James: that actually she's right James: everything she says & thinks about me Ava: She's not Ava: She's not right about anything and she knows it Ava: that's why she has to go so hard James: you're right because you said I need you & I do Ava: I'm right because it's true Ava: you're worthy of good things, James James: I'm not a good person, Ava James: I'm barely a person at all Ava: But you are, James Ava: You're a person Ava: whether she wants that or not James: Jay can start boarding school in a year, I've already made that plan Ava: Is that what you want? James: it's what she needs Ava: Okay, so that's a start then James: I don't want to send her away but I don't want her to stay here Ava: Once you've sorted the rest, you can bring her back Ava: She's young, kids are so resilient James: It was so much easier when she was too young to understand what was being said or done Ava: Yeah Ava: I see that, with my family Ava: it's all okay until it needs to be explained Ava: because it can't be explained, or isn't James: exactly James: what words am I ever going to be able to find to make it okay? there aren't any Ava: Actions count Ava: and you love them Ava: that counts for so much James: will it count for enough? James: my actions certainly aren't good enough Ava: Almost definitely Ava: I can't say 100% but a good 99% James: you don't have to say anything James: I'm in my wet clothes today, that's all Ava: You don't have to excuse yourself, ever James: don't I? Ava: Not with me James: that wipes out well over half of my current vocabulary, just so you're aware James: it won't be an excuse that I'm speechless around you Ava: We'll work it out together Ava: I don't mind not talking for a while and just James: I'm going to be here until it's very late but if you can get away, I'll say I'm staying even later Ava: Yes Ava: I can make it happen Ava: People are here but I can get out James: me too then Ava: I don't care if it's five minutes Ava: well, I do Ava: but I'll take it James: I definitely do James: but it won't be James: the girls will be asleep before I'm done, I'm not rushing home for her Ava: Then rush to see me James: I promise James: I know you don't want me to, but I do Ava: As far as promises go Ava: that's a pretty good one Ava: they're like cliches James: I'll work through lunch for the possibility you'll be awake by the time I'm allowed to leave Ava: I can catnap if necessary James: oh, well now that's a mental picture I wish I had Ava: Sadly I can't take photos of myself sleeping Ava: and I don't think I can promise I'll waste any time with you napping Ava: 🤔 James: I'm so very conflicted James: what a dilemma James: but we'll be able to solve it when my dad decides I can be trusted on business trips Ava: 🤤🤤🤤 Ava: Please come through for me J I James: knowing him it'll take a while but I'll come through so he'll have no choice but to do the same Ava: All the faith Ava: and Monday when you come over you can have a preview of what to expect Ava: for motivation James: in order for you to keep it & for him to begin to harbour any, I should go James: but I feel very motivated at the thought, so thank you Ava: You've got this Ava: Later, love James: [let's skip then chicken, come at me drunkenly lol] Ava: You probably can't reply Ava: but I wish you were here James: [a dramatically long pause because imagine how extra weekends would be] James: but you're having fun? Ava: Hey ☺️ James: hi Ava: It's alright Ava: everyone's going a bit hard James: I'm sure your brother would happily throw them all out for you Ava: That may be Ava: but he is not invited James: that wouldn't stop him if he's still anything like I remember Ava: 2 kids and a wife might Ava: ha James: from being a protective older brother? I don't think so James: you either are or you're not Ava: yeah but my cousin is here Ava: so no need for the 'adult' supervision Ava: it's cool James: I'm happy to hear it James: there's no opportunity for me to drag Teddy home if he's there & he wouldn't thank me for it Ava: that's a bummer Ava: though I've already sacrificed him once tonight so rude of me James: to who? Ava: said cousin Ava: he isn't actually who I had in mind but you know Ava: be weird if I ❌ James: it sounds very romantic, I have no doubt he'll be thrilled Ava: Yeah it's like Paris in here tonight James: it's like Venice here, by which I mean flooded Ava: ??? James: 🛁 Ava: ahh Ava: awh Ava: 🐥🧼🧽💙 James: so yes, I'd say I wish you were here too, but I can't Ava: that's fair Ava: someone is in my bath alas James: theirs was meant to be hours ago so the chaos is somewhat relatable Ava: uh-oh Ava: I did think it was more like 💤🛌🌃 James: it's actually really far past that time too Ava: yeah Ava: you must be knackered James: if only I could join you in a drink Ava: There's still plenty 🍾🍾 Ava: I'll leave a full one out on the step Ava: for the milkman, like James: 😂 thank you, Ava Ava: my curtsy is so real James: that reminds me, I like your outfit Ava: 🥰 Ava: you're always nice Ava: are you wet? James: drenched, of course James: but actually not in the metaphorical sense Ava: Yay Ava: I'm happy James: are you smiling? Ava: cheeeeeese James: 📷 Ava: I'll take a real one for you Ava: but not right now James: [the longest pause ever like is he gone or what? but no he's just trying to sort the chaos out of course] James: later is an undeniably tempting prospect Ava: all dry Ava: what are you doing now Ava: a story James: well guessed James: would you like to pick it for us? Ava: You have to make one up Ava: a happy ending, naturally James: & there has to be a dog involved or Jay will be very angry indeed Ava: Frank! James: Oh right, I forgot you have one Ava: He's very angry indeed Ava: 😡 James: about the party? Ava: No Ava: about being forgotten Ava: he isn't actually here he's been dogknapped James: he'll forgive you Ava: me! James: yes Ava: you forgot him Ava: he's devastated James: you haven't taken enough selfies with him Ava: are you questioning my love James: I'm not but he could be, that's what I'm saying Ava: this is a sad story James: I'll do a re-write Ava: good idea Ava: he's on holiday James: working on his tan James: you two are very competitive about it Ava: well we've gotta be summer ready Ava: his diet is going awfully though James: he's lucky he doesn't need to go on one James: it was purely hypothetical Ava: he likes baked beans with the lil sausages in James: what do you like? I can't picture him happily sharing Ava: 🤔 Ava: that's a big question Ava: chinese food James: [when you know he's gonna send her some tomorrow for the hangover bye] James: can you use chopsticks? Ava: yes Ava: v dexterous Ava: shame that's not a sexy skill Ava: like cherry stems James: it could be James: you doing it Ava: 🥢 grab your tongue with that boy Ava: 🤭 James: it could work to shut me up James: but it's only making me laugh right now Ava: I like when you talk Ava: and laugh James: I used to be able to do that cherry stem party trick Ava: you'll have to show me Ava: we'll get some, see if you can do it James: It's been years, I probably can't Ava: you don't lose skills like that James: it's not a real skill, it's a boast Ava: yeah Ava: an implication of other skills, I know James: we all tried it out to mock the girls over how 'easy' it was but only a few of us could do it actually Ava: wink wink nudge nudge is how boys do Ava: 'course Ava: don't always have to back up a boast James: especially when it's one you made in another life Ava: nah Ava: i'll judge you and be so disappointed James: Ava! that's outrageous Ava: that's me James: you're supposed to not even be hypothetically disappointed by me Ava: I'm also not meant to lie to you James: okay, I'm backed into a corner, now what? Ava: what I would do to you if I had you in a dark corner right now is not suitable bedtime story-telling Ava: unless you wanna be up all night James: some stories demand to be told regardless James: & I wouldn't be upset about being kept up for as long as this one takes to be told Ava: You're the storyteller Ava: I'm a journalist, I like to report what happens James: [writes her a very sexy essay right here and right now about the life they should be living in the dark corner, like soz Jimothy you've been usurped as the writer & poet in residence] James: well then, you can tell me what's happening to you Ava: I don't know if I can describe that Ava: how you make me feel Ava: like you're here Ava: the only person here James: I think you've described it perfectly Ava: you are perfect James: no Ava: yes James: Ava Ava: James James: you're not meant to lie to me Ava: I'm not James: it's not true, it can't be Ava: opinion can't be wrong Ava: you can say i'm not well-informed if you wanna Ava: but i'll still think it James: I'm not at your party, I won't ever be able to be there Ava: you don't have to be at my party James: but you wish I was James: that's compromise, it can't be perfection Ava: only 'cos I'd rather be with you Ava: because you're so perfect James: if I don't give you what you want, I'm not perfect Ava: i want you Ava: as you Ava: i can miss you and i can wait Ava: i don't need anything else from you James: I don't know who I am Ava: i see who you are Ava: who you could be James: but I could become someone else James: like my dad wants James: like my wife wants Ava: you can't change who you are Ava: even when you try really hard James: you can lose who you are though James: & I have Ava: I'm telling you, I can see you Ava: even if you can't James: when you stop looking at me, it's going to be really hard Ava: I'll only stop if you tell me to Ava: no other reason James: if I tell you to it'll only be because I have to James: for your own sake Ava: you don't have to worry about me James: it's not the 1st time I've done this or had to stop doing it James: I know I have to worry about you Ava: i don't think i'm special Ava: but i know you like me too James: I think you're very special Ava: but i don't care if you can't be with me Ava: well, i do Ava: but i mean i'll be your friend no matter what Ava: you need me and no one can stop me Ava: not your wife or my brother or anyone James: the problem isn't who my wife is or who your brother is, the problem is that I don't care James: that's dangerous Ava: i said i wouldn't cause trouble Ava: and i won't let you get into any either Ava: not 'til you're ready to face it James: I've never met anyone like you before James: it's the most ridiculous cliche Ava: i know Ava: and I've never felt like this before Ava: so there we go two for two James: it's none of my business & you're under no obligation to answer me, but is that because you've not dated a lot of people before or in spite of everyone that you have dated? Ava: you're so cute Ava: I've dated plenty of people Ava: I liked a lot of them, some of them I thought I loved but then it was easy to be friends with them so I don't know, I think it was just that Ava: this is different, whatever it is and whatever they were James: understood Ava: did you date much James: I wasn't looking for that when I was in school & I'm not allowed to seek it out now James: I had a lot of sex before I got married & after but it's far from the same thing Ava: sure Ava: you weren't getting to know them as well as Ava: that's how lots of people operate James: I didn't intend to get to know you, Ava James: I don't know how it happened Ava: I'm not going to apologize for it James: please don't Ava: can i ask you something though James: of course Ava: did you just wanna sleep with me 'cos you thought i was cute or was it anything to do with who my brother is James: why would it be anything to do with him? Ava: i don't know Ava: 'cept i know him and i know there's history there James: I don't hold any grudges against him, we were all liars & fakes then James: all I cared about was my expensive drug habit & sleeping with as many girls as possible Ava: okay, i just had to ask Ava: things can be confusing enough without worrying about shit that ain't even real James: there's history for you too, it's not about any of that, is it? Ava: no Ava: it isn't James: my wife & your sister have so much history James: honestly more than me & her have Ava: i know Ava: but i'm not gonna exact revenge on her behalf via you James: I doubt she'd want that, she's not Chloé James: I don't believe there's anyone capable of holding onto something for as long & as tightly as she can Ava: I don't know Ava: I'm sure her therapist would tell her grudges are pointless but I don't reckon she can live that truth James: at least she has a therapist Ava: hooray for her James: I should probably get one, instead of talking to you like you are Ava: its what you should do Ava: talk to people Ava: work it out together Ava: nancy can't talk to anyone James: all my adult conversations are carefully overseen & orchestrated, it's only her laziness and the inescapable necessity of my parenting that has stopped the way I talk to my children from being put under the same restrictions James: what she did to Nancy was James: & that's only what I can remember Ava: its fucked James: it's already started with Jay James: if I can't find a way to stop it Ava: you have to James: I know Ava: you know its abuse don't you James: It doesn't matter what I know if nobody else knows it James: believes it Ava: how can they not, everyone knows what a total insane bitch she is Ava: sorry James: you don't need to apologise for telling the truth Ava: i'm not trying to make getting out sound easy though when it so clearly isn't James: it wouldn't be that hard for me to get out Ava: with the kids, or access to, though James: she says Jay's not mine whenever I criticise anything she says or does regarding her James: maybe she isn't James: her sex life was as active & varied as mine was Ava: wait Ava: what James: it's what she says if my bags are packed & nothing else has worked James: because I'd never see her again if she's not biologically my daughter James: but she can't say it about Matty, the dates line up too well Ava: are you on Jay's birth certificate? James: yes Ava: then you either are, and you have rights, or she knowingly lied on an official document but also, gave you full parental rights in the process Ava: if she really is lying then she has to incriminate herself and there's more than a case in your favour James: I don't know Ava: she got you to marry her under false pretenses, she stole years of your life James: it'll just be more of her bullshit James: of course she's my kid Ava: she'd do that? Ava: jesus James: she'll say & do anything to stop me from leaving James: in other circumstances it'd be flattering Ava: does she love you James: does it sound like love? Ava: no think she loves you then James: she thinks she's come this far James: not many of my friends would have agreed to marry her if they'd been put in the same situation James: if any, from the ones I had at the time Ava: i just wanna know what she gets from it Ava: she doesn't work or go to school, right? Ava: you seem to do most of the parenting James: isn't that the answer then? she gets a lifestyle that started out easy financially thanks to my parents & has been made easy by me in every other aspect James: I told you, it's my fault Ava: okay, granted but like she's happy to settle for not being crazy in love, just tolerating her kids and having no ambition of her own? at 22, 23? its not as if her parents would let her starve, Christ.. it'd be sad if she weren't evil and happy to take down you and the kids with her James: as I also told you, I've given up trying to figure her out Ava: sorry James: no, I am James: you don't need to worry about this Ava: yeah i do James: no James: you're a 17 year old at a party, Ava James: you shouldn't be worrying about anything Ava: don't patronize me James: that's not how I mean it James: I like you & she'll take you down too if you aren't careful James: I don't want that Ava: no she won't James: if you think that we shouldn't do this Ava: do what James: see each other as much as we are Ava: why not Ava: because i'm not duly afraid of chloe James: because you don't understand the risks Ava: again, don't patronize me James: do you want to end up like your sister? Ava: that won't happen James: it could happen James: & I'm not worth it Ava: it won't Ava: if you don't want to see me then that's your choice Ava: i think you're making a mistake but you're entitled James: I do want to see you James: I so badly want to Ava: then don't put a stop to us James: just please be careful Ava: I'm not afraid to like you James: Ava Ava: I'm just not, okay Ava: and even if i were, i couldn't stop myself and i won't so there James: you're really gonna age me horrifically, aren't you? James: 👴 Ava: well i do only like you 'cos you're older, obviously James: well, the back cover of the book can be all my worry lines Ava: 😂 Ava: sexy James: I can't make everything I do sexy like you do, darling Ava: don't joke i'm trying so hard to seduce you here 😏 James: I'm not joking James: you are & everything you do is Ava: Monday needs to be here now James: will you dance with me when it is, because we can't now Ava: only if you hold me really close and even tighter James: that I can do Ava: come on Ava: say you will James: of course I will Ava: James James: yes? Ava: I wish I could call you James: I'll go outside to smoke, wait a minute Ava: me too Ava: can't hear myself in here James: [another dramatic pause] James: okay Ava: the perks of being one of the only smokers Ava: and its warm out still Ava: i love summer James: it's a bad habit, but I've had worse James: & I still like winter the most somehow Ava: sorry it looks sexy and I've got a rep to maintain Ava: when were you born are you a winter baby James: January Ava: knew it Ava: awh its not your birthday for ages James: & you only like me because I'm older, I remember James: you must be truly devastated Ava: mhmm Ava: hurry up and hit 30 so we can really make it a moment James: you'll have me looking 30 soon enough James: all these smoke breaks Ava: not if you get to talking please and thank you James: you're supposed to be calling me James: as you wished it Ava: oh Ava: wanna facetime Ava: assuming 🥴 this is not my face James: you could still 'make a moment' I'm sure James: & I probably look better blurry Ava: shut up Ava: you're beautiful James: so you don't want to talk to me, you want to look at me? James: understood Ava: I wanna listen to you talk Ava: [ring him bitch] James: [telling her a story of everything he wants to do on Monday & it's hot & cute & funny & a mood] Ava: you're so so lovely Ava: stick around please James: you're quite drunk Ava: if I was drunk I'd say lots more James: you are so you can James: I'm listening Ava: no Ava: 🙈 James: you're not afraid of my scary wife but you're afraid of me? Ava: no Ava: but I'm scared of feeling crazy, being Ava: a little madness is key but James: I don't think genuinely crazy people are that self-aware typically Ava: maybe James: You're not crazy, Ava Ava: thank you Ava: probably not curtsy worthy but still James: you've devastated me, but I'll hide it expertly Ava: 😞 nooooooo James: I'll dedicate a suitable amount of book pages to it James: but otherwise, be utterly unaffected Ava: as long as that's the only conflict you're planning Ava: know it propels plot but I'll be very sad James: you'll get your happy ending, that means more to me Ava: you too James: that'll require a very long re-write Ava: maybe Ava: the middle can be shit though Ava: think that's writing 101 James: 😂 Ava: come on Ava: reluctant hero is a great trope James: I'm more of an anti-hero James: it's less about reluctance & more that I lack the necessity attributes, like courage or a trustworthy nature Ava: there's plenty different ways to be a hero Ava: there's plenty different ways to be heroes Ava: it isn't all capes and a misplaced sense of authority and vigilante justice James: I'm aware of that, but isn't the advice to write what you know? I'm hardly surrounded by viable examples James: you can't play every role, darling Ava: or write for the life you wanna have, the person you wanna be Ava: usually advice reserved for making you buy shit suits but I think it applies James: that explains why I've never heard it, in that case Ava: 😏 you were born in a tailored three-piece right James: if my parents were authoring the story, absolutely Ava: as much as parents love me Ava: probably not result in my happy ending James: or mine Ava: no Ava: we'll save that meet-cute James: thank you James: though it's unlikely I'll curtsy either Ava: shame James: I can add it to Monday's to-do list if your heart is set Ava: Your Monday sounds very busy as is Ava: I wanna help you relax and feel good not run yourself into the ground with curtsies etc James: you're sweet Ava: come taste me James: your party guests are bound to notice me Ava: I know Ava: I'd make them all leave if you could though Ava: but you can't James: no, I can't Ava: it's not long to wait Ava: just feels it James: it'll go faster for you, half of it spent in bed Ava: ha Ava: actually will have to entertain children too, worst of all my brother Ava: he's as annoying as he is protective etc and will definitely make me spend time with him before he leaves so we can have Monday James: it's a shame a playdate is out of the question Ava: even if I stole his Ava: can imagine your wife's joy to bump into us at the park James: she'll be far too busy shopping or having brunch with her friends Ava: then tell me it's still not feasible before I think it actually is James: it's a bad idea James: isn't it? Ava: it must be Ava: it's too good James: your brother wants to see you, he'd probably invite himself anyway, right? Ava: Probably Ava: but what if I show up really early and annoy him all day Ava: hype the kids up too James: 😈 Ava: there is one problem James: is there? Ava: my cousin will probably wanna come Ava: idk how I'm telling her no James: you said you'd already sacrificed my brother to her once James: how did that go? Ava: I've not been 👀 on 'em Ava: but I see 😈 what you're saying James: if get Jay to insist that he brings himself & a jumper for goalposts, he might Ava: oh Ava: no we can't James: you don't think it'll work? Ava: I told her some stuff Ava: not about you specifically Ava: but she can't meet you, obviously, she's not daft James: why would you do that, Ava? Ava: I didn't tell her anything James: that's obviously not true Ava: well she has no idea who you are James: you can't tell anyone about us James: I shouldn't even have to be saying that Ava: I haven't Ava: I told her about a boy Ava: I'm sorry but it's not going to affect anything Ava: she's not from here, she's not gonna say anything and she's got nothing to say anyway James: if you've told her enough that she could figure out who I am from seeing me at the park, you've told her too much Ava: I'm saying if your brother is there, it's just obvious Ava: I'm trying to be careful James: it doesn't matter, I'll see you Monday as previously arranged Ava: Well it does Ava: I'm sorry Ava: I'm just saying I don't think I can pretend you're just Teddy's brother, there's no point James: I agree Ava: I can tell her it fizzled out soon okay James: like you said, it won't affect anything Ava: you're still angry James: it's a frustrating situation Ava: yes James: I'm not angry at you James: I shouldn't have done this Ava: Be angry at me Ava: it was stupid but I'm not Ava: I won't tell anyone anything James: I know you're not, how smart you are is one of the 1st things I noticed James: but I obviously need to be smarter Ava: You don't want to do this James: I think we should slow down, you won't have to lie to your cousin & I won't get so carried away Ava: okay James: it's for the best Ava: alright, so what does that look like James: I don't know Ava: just let me know then James: I'll call you Ava: 👍 James: okay Ava: later then

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