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taizi · 3 years

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could you do 39 for natsume yuujinchou?? i love your work <3

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39. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you!” “And I’m trying to subtly avoid it!”

Tsuji forced all his friends to take a first aid class with him over the spring holiday. To the collective surprise of the entire group, Nishimura and Kitamoto were certified already.

Kitamoto’s mom is a doctor, he explains, and believes in her kids (biological or otherwise) being as prepared for the world as she could make them. They go to all those pop-up classes the clinic and community center have to offer. They’re CPR-certified and could probably triage in their sleep.

When Taki thinks about it for longer than fifteen seconds, it stops being such a surprise.

“Hey,” Nishimura says, stooping to an easy crouch in front of Tanuma, fearless in the face of what is probably the scariest thing Taki has ever seen. “Look at me, buddy. I’m gonna take your hands, okay?”

Tanuma’s dark eyes are-- bright and glassy, almost vacant. He looks at Nishimura like he’s looking right through him. But when Nishimura takes his hands, Tanuma’s grip is vice-like. He might as well be dangling off a cliff’s edge for how hard he holds on.

Nishimura doesn’t even twitch. His face is like an open wound, hurting and raw, but he’s absolutely steady; a rock for the ocean to crash against.

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere,” he says. “I know you’re scared. You’re allowed to be scared. But I need you to breathe, okay?”

Taki thinks she understands, now, at least part of the reason why he and Natsume struck up such a fast friendship. Natsume is such a loner, and Nishimura has an extremely tight-knit relationship with his best friend, they’re both hard people to get to know. But they were friends inside a week, inseparable inside a month, and part of it must be this-- Nishimura knowing how to tend these invisible hurts-- letting someone in pain hold on to him too hard.

“I’m gonna count, and you’re gonna breathe,” Nishimura is saying. His tone isn’t urgent. It’s friendly and quiet, like he’s talking during a sleepover when not all of their friends are awake yet. “Normally it’s a ten-count, but that seems generous. Let’s aim for three, okay? Inhale for three, exhale for three. You can do this, Tanuma, I know you can. I’ll do it with you.”

It’s a matter of minutes, long and painful, before Tanuma’s shallow breaths take a more controlled tone. He’s trembling, as if he’s cold, and Taki wants so badly to throw her arms around him that she’s trembling, too.

She leans against Nishimura, instead; soaking up comfort and hopefully sending some back in turn.

“Can you talk to me now?” Nishimura asks. Tanuma seems to consider for a second, some awareness bleeding back into his eyes, and then nods his head in a sharp little jerk. “Oh, good. You’re doing really good. I want you to try to name five things you can see, okay? Just look around and tell me when you spot something.”

This seems to be an overwhelming task at first. Tanuma’s eyes slide away and then dart back a couple times, as if afraid to lose the one safe touchstone of his friend, front-and-center. But Nishimura is infinitely patient, more patient than Taki has literally ever seen him before, as if he saves all of his self-control for these specific occasions, wheedling and coaxing until finally Tanuma plays along.

“Nishimura,” is the first thing Tanuma says, and Taki thinks that it’s the beginning of a request, but Nishimura smiles.

“Cheating a little, but we’ll count it. Four more.”

The sky is the second thing, hanging above them in a curtain of vivid blue, impossible to miss. Nishimura’s schoolbag is the third, discarded in the grass beside them where he dropped it without a second thought. A bright yellow pencil case is the fourth, spilled out of the bag alongside workbooks and graded homework. Taki is fifth. She beams at him, and remarkably manages not to cry.

“Awesome,” Nishimura praises him. “Let’s keep this ball rolling. Four things you can feel.”

It comes a little easier this time: their hands, still joined, skin pressed white from the force of their grip; the grass underneath them, soft and springy; the late afternoon sunshine; the breeze.

They keep going through three things he can hear, two things he can smell, and by the time Nishimura asks for one thing he can taste, and Tanuma says, “Um-- I don’t really taste anything? My mouth, I guess?” Taki can let go of the last of her fear. She finally leans in to give Tanuma that hug. He leans against her with a sigh that sounds so weary it makes her heart physically ache. He only hugs back with one arm, because he’s still holding one of Nishimura’s hands with the other.

Natsume returns at that point at a dead run, a plastic bag dangling from one hand, Nyanko-sensei keeping pace at his feet. He’s windblown and breathless, but not as haggard as he would have been if he’d really run all the way into town and back again, so Taki has her suspicions that he flew most of the way.

“I got everything you said,” he says by way of greeting. He shoves the bag into Nishimura’s hand and then glues himself to Tanuma’s side. Taki magnanimously allows it, only releasing Tanuma when his arm around her loosens first.

Nishimura hums his thanks, rooting through the Family Mart bag without urgency. He produces a green tea first, twisting the cap off before handing it over. When Tanuma has taken a few agreeable sips, Nishimura holds up a dark chocolate bar in one hand, and a yogurt cup in the other.

“Snack time. Which do you want? Choose wisely because I’m eating the other one.”

Tanuma cracks a smile and takes the chocolate bar. Probably, Taki thinks, because he recognizes Nishimura’s favorite yogurt when he sees it. And it’s that, more than anything, that reassures her that everything is okay.

Nyanko-sensei crawls into Nishimura’s lap instead of Tanuma’s, surprising them all. Suspiciously, Nishimura holds his food up and away from the creature, but Nyanko-sensei only huffs and settles into a comfortable loaf.

“Um,” Tanuma says, because of course he does, “I’m really sorry about-- ”

“Nope,” Nishimura replies. “Tell him the rule, Natsume.”

Ruefully, Natsume recites, “‘No apologizing after a panic attack because it’s not nice to make our friends angry on purpose.’”

Taki digests that silently. Apparently Natsume has these terrifying episodes, too.

“It’s like apologizing for having an allergic reaction or something,” Nishimura says, a little heatedly. He stabs viciously at his yogurt with the little plastic spoon it came with, not looking anybody in the eye. “Like, it doesn’t make sense.”

“I-- I guess so?” Tanuma says uncertainly. “I mean, that doesn’t seem like the same thing at all-- ”

“Nishimura is the expert here,” Taki cuts in, not unkindly. She gives Tanuma’s knee a gentle thump. “We’ve only had one first aid class. He’s had about four-hundred.”

“Yes, exactly,” Nishimura says, “thank you, Taki.”

Tanuma looks bewildered, and pale and tired, and he’s still leaning against Taki like he doesn’t have the strength to keep himself up. He looks like he doesn’t know what to do with himself if he isn’t allowed to apologize, but Nishimura doesn’t give him another opening. Once the tea is gone and the snacks are consumed, he rallies everyone to their feet with a clap of his hands, with all the energy of a kindergarten teacher.

“Movie night’s still on, right? Kitamoto is probably waiting at your place already, Natsume. Let’s get a move on!”

Later, when Taki is two hours into her Internet research of how to handle any similar situation with even a fraction of Nishimura’s competency, she’ll learn how important it is to stick around after a panic attack. Had it been up to her, she might have suggested they reschedule, that Tanuma would probably appreciate his own peaceful, quiet home for the rest of the night instead, but even this much is part of the process. Keeping him company, keeping him distracted, giving his thoughts no chance to settle on whatever it was that had so upset him in the first place. She has so much to learn.

Kitamoto is waiting for them, after all, sitting on the engawa with Touko-san as they stroll up. He smiles automatically when he sees them, but Taki is watching for it, waiting for it, and she sees it-- the sharp way his eyes zero in on Tanuma after all of two seconds.

But all he says is, “There you are. Aunt Touko and I thought we were going to have to send out a search-and-rescue team.”

Touko laughs, and goes around to welcome them all inside properly. Her hand lingers on Tanuma’s shoulder, and her eyes are so warm and caring that she doesn’t need to say anything at all. Tanuma ducks his head, the tips of his ears turning pink. Natsume beams at his mother. Taki smiles, too, but she doesn’t follow them inside.

Her eyes are drifting back to the yard, where Kitamoto is attempting to gently interrogate Nishimura and Nishimura is pretending like he doesn’t hear him.

“Stop talking about yogurt,” Kitamoto is saying. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you.”

“And I’m trying to subtly avoid it,” Nishimura shoots back.

“You don’t have a subtle bone in your body, Satchan,” Kitamoto says. His voice and face go very soft, like morning frost thawing in the sun. “Tell me what happened.”

Nishimura seems to hold out for all of five seconds. Then he blurts, “Tanuma had a panic attack. I have no idea what set him off. I talked him through it but I didn’t know what I was doing, I was fumbling through it the whole time like an idiot, I wish someone else had been there, he deserves better than that-- ”

Taki is startled, almost horrified, but Kitamoto doesn’t seem surprised. He just looks sad. He reaches out, even though Nishimura’s hands are still full of Natsume’s cat and the Family Mart bag, and tugs Nishimura forward against his chest. Then both his arms wrap around Nishimura’s shoulders like a blanket, like Kitamoto is trying to fold him up into something he can carry with him everywhere, safe and secure.

For the first time all afternoon, Taki realizes that Nishimura must have been terrified. He loves his friends loudly and unselfconsciously, and no amount of training would have made it easy for him to watch one of them in the grip of a panic attack, struggling to breathe and clinging to him for help.

This is why Nyanko-sensei stuck with Nishimura, Taki thinks. Tanuma had the combined support of three of his closest friends, and all Nishimura had was a grumpy old cat.

“It’s okay,” Kitamoto says. “You did good.”

“You weren’t even there, Acchan, you don’t know that,” Nishimura snaps, only it sounds more like a sob, and Taki is frozen in the open doorway of Natsume’s house.

“Of course I know that.” Kitamoto pillows his cheek on the top of Nishimura’s head and just holds him, like he has nowhere else to be and nothing else to do. “I know you. I know you did good.”

Taki gives in to her baser instincts. Leaving the door wide open behind her, she charges over to the two of them and all but slams into Nishimura’s back. Kitamoto sees her coming, but Nishimura gives a yelp of surprise, and Nyanko-sensei grumbles as he’s further squished.

Worming her hands between them in order to better hug Nishimura as hard as she can, Taki says, “You were amazing, Nishimura. You were perfect. I’m so grateful you were there. Thank you so much.”

“See?” Kitamoto says. Taki can’t see him, but his voice is shaped like a grin. “I have an inside source right here.”

Nishimura squirms, like he’s thinking about making a break for it, but they have him sandwiched pretty securely. He subsides with a grumble that Taki can tell is fake. It makes her smile and squeeze him even tighter.

“Don’t tell Tanuma,” he mumbles, all wet and muffled because he’s crying and his face is buried in Kitamoto’s shoulder. “He already feels guilty. We gotta be on our A-Game so he doesn’t get sad.”

“You’re benched for the rest of the night,” Kitamoto replies. “You’ve done more than your fair share. Me, Taki and Natsume can take it from here, if Aunt Touko doesn’t swoop in and fix everything herself before we get the chance. Right, Taki?”

Taki thinks its impossible how much she loves her friends. She understands completely why Nishimura is so noisy about it, why he refuses to be embarrassed about it. She thinks she never, ever wants to be in a situation like that again, where two of them are suffering right in front of her and she can’t do anything to help. She thinks, the next time one of those classes are offered at the clinic, she’s going to go. She thinks she’s going to talk to Tsuji about it tomorrow.

“Right,” she says. “We’ve got you.”

#natsume yuujinchou #natsuyuu #taki tooru #nishimura satoru #tanuma kaname #natsume takashi #kitamoto atsushi #my writing #prompt #anonymous #natsuyuu fic #this is a spiritual successor to the last thing i wrote #in which i mention nishimura talking tanuma thru a panic attack #the kitanishi at the end is inevitable bcus i love them #the taki pov is also inevitable bcus i love her

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mikeyd1986 · 6 years

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MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 84, December 2017

On Christmas Eve, Mum and I attended the Carols by Twilight - Christmas Eve event held at Max Pawsey Reserve near Fountain Gate. It’s my second time going to a local Carols event, my first being over 6 years ago. As always, the event is run and organised by Casey City Church with many guest speakers and singers performing on stage including Andrew De Silva, He Planned Us and Gary Pinto. Of course, these Carols have a very Christian in orientation and whilst I don’t believe in God per se, it’s highly irrelevant. For me, it’s about being involved with the City of Casey community and celebrating the true meaning of Christmas...love, joy, peace, family, friends and being grateful for what you have in life.

We didn’t end up staying long as the weather decided to turn cold with a bitter, icy wind blowing across the reserve but it was still nice that we made the effort to listen to a few of the carols. After grabbing some coffees at Maccas, we decided to finally check out some Christmas lights. I was determined to visit the hugely popular display down at Hugo Court in Narre Warren to see what all the fuss was about. Getting down there early and finding a side street or court to park in is key because the traffic banks up very quickly.

We started by walking down Song Street with one house featuring two snow machines, creating lots of white foamy suds. It looked really cool. Making our way down to Hugo Court, there was literally people from the local CFA directing the crowd with glowing red wands. The moment we set foot into the court, it was bedlam. A cascade of brightly lit LED lights, inflatable Santas, Penguins, Snowmen, Reindeer, flashing signs, a radio station playing Christmas songs. But instead of being overwhelmed, I found it to be a truly magical experience. I had a ball taking photos and letting the atmosphere sink in.

The only downside was getting out of the area. A few drivers were getting impatient and rowdy. There was huge potential for road rage but thankfully Mum and I dodged a bullet. You just have to be really patient and be prepared that it can take up to 20 minutes to get yourself back onto Narre Warren-Cranbourne Road. But besides that, it was definitely worth going to. Hopefully I don’t leave it this late next year!

On Christmas Day, My parents and I had a busy morning ahead getting all the food prepared and cooked as well as decorating the outside patio area. It didn’t take long for me to start feeling exhausted but it came together really well. It’s a big area of strength for me, the creative side. We always go all out when it comes to Christmas and it’s easily my favourite part of the day.

In the afternoon, we had relatives over from my step-dad’s side of the family. We had a lovely roast for lunch which included chicken, ham, pork, potatoes, pumpkin, beans, peas and carrots. The conversations at the table were difficult for me to join in with as usual and when the topic turned to sexual predators and pedophiles, I was ready to exit stage left. I just feel so disturbed and uncomfortable hearing that stuff and that’s only so much I can handle before I have to leave.

In the late afternoon, we opened up our Christmas presents under the tree. I always find this experience to be both overwhelming and awkward. At least now that I’ve got an official diagnosis, it would explain why I’m not as “expressive” as I should be. From the outside looking in, most people would think I’m ungrateful due to my lack of excitement but it’s far from the case. It’s more I have no idea what to say besides thank you. I couldn’t be more grateful, I just don’t often show it with my non-verbal cues and body language (Autism 101).

In the evening, we had my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins come over for dinner. I decided to have a Nanna nap before they arrived as I was feeling buggered as. The food we served up was similar to our lunch with a selection of chicken, pork and ham plus coleslaw, potatoes and pasta salad. We engaged in the usual tradition of pulling Christmas crackers, wearing paper hats and reading the lame jokes inside of them.

It’s true that I’m still very reserved, socially awkward and sensitive even around my family but it’s something that I’m continuing to work on embracing and accepting. It was a really long day for me overall but the upside is that we didn’t have to travel anywhere today and the weather was lovely throughout the day.

On Boxing Day aka “Recovery Day”, we spent the morning sitting around the dining table eating bacon and eggs for breakfast, talking about how dodgy our current government are and how the oil companies are ripping us off when it comes to the price of petrol. I honestly felt like a zombie crawling out of bed after all the food and alcohol I consumed yesterday. Thankfully, no hangover though! Then comes to fun part of cleaning everything up and packing away all the decorations. One step at a time though.

I spent most of the afternoon just resting up and trying to catch up on some sleep. The last thing I wanted to do was rush out to the Boxing Day sales. Seriously FUCK THAT! I’d rather shop online to be honest. In fact, I decided to buy a few Christmas sweaters from eBay ready for next Christmas. My cat Lotus decided to join me for a nap for the first time ever on my bed. It’s good to see that she’s finally warmed up to my bedroom and my bed.

On Wednesday morning, Mum and I both had well overdue full body Chinese massages at Best Body Massage in Eden Rise, Berwick. Best Body is basically just Top 1 Therapy trading under a different business name but offering the same deals. I opted for a deep tissue massage with hot stones which only cost me $45 for a whole hour. The guy did a very thorough job getting all of those knots undone and relieving a lot of tension through my back, shoulders, neck and spine. Pretty much over a month’s worth of stress, anxiety and muscle soreness.

This place is still unfortunately plagued with the same issues as Top 1 Therapy. Don’t expect to get much conversation from your massage therapist unless you’re fluent in Mandarin. Also, they could really benefit from having a staff member act as a permanent receptionist and door greeter as the guy doing my massage had to constantly rush off to attend to phone calls and customers dropping in. Basically, they’re lacking in the customer service department but considering I’m only paying $45 instead of $100 and the therapists are highly skilled in what they do, I can let the cons slide. http://edenrisevillage.com.au/store...

On Thursday morning, Mum and I visited the Cranbourne Hyundai Used Car Dealership to begin the search for my fourth car. We were both wearing our invisible “JUST LOOKING” t-shirts as I’m still extremely guarded and weary when it comes to car salesmen. Thankfully the guy who looked after us, Rod, was quite easy going and pleasant to deal with. He didn’t pressure us to make a sale at all, nor was he holding “grand sale” balloons like Pennywise The Dancing Clown (A sure bet to run in the opposite direction!).

I brought along my list of potential cars that I wanted to have a look at including a 2014 Hyundai i30 Active GD2, a 2013 Kia Cerato S TD and a 2011 Ford Fiesta Zetec WS. I was leaning the hardest towards the i30 and even briefly sat in the car to check out some of the features. I wrote down some “must haves” including a CD player, keyless entry, rego, 3 year warranty, low kilometers under 100k and priced under $15,000. It pretty much ticked all those boxes but I refused to sign any paperwork yet. I’d rather have a few models to consider and make sure I’m 100% happy with the next car I purchase. http://www.cranbournehyundai.com.au/...

On Thursday night, I attended my Body Balance class with Rowena at YMCA Casey RACE. It’s been a couple of weeks since I last went to a group fitness class so evidently I was feeling pretty out of practice tonight but it didn’t take long to pick things up. Rowena had a strong Irish accent and was very bubbly throughout the class.

We did our usual sequence of exercises during the class including: Tai-Chi Warmup (Swan Dive, Overhead arm circles), Sun Salutations (Forward Fold, Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength & Balances (Warrior 2, Sun Warrior, Side Angle Pose, Triangle Pose, Half Moon Pose), Pilates (Bicycle Crunches, Firefly, Arm and Leg balances, Knee to Nose), Twists & Hamstring Stretches (Butterfly Forward Fold, Serpentine Twist with Leg Extension) and Relaxation. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Friday morning, Mum and I returned to the Cranbourne Hyundai Used Car Dealership for a second look. Thankfully I didn’t have to deal with any Max Kirwin type used car salesman (Good one Max? More like get the fuck away from me Max!) as Rod was there again. As I was walking through the middle of the yard, one of the cars immediately caught my attention. It was a dark blue coloured 2015 Hyundai Accent sedan. On closer inspection, it pretty much ticked all the boxes on my wishlist and inside I knew that this was “the one”.

Rod sat myself and Mum down inside his office. The space was clinical white and undecorated aside from the Hyundai logo and a few certificates on the wall. The anxiety levels were building rapidly inside of me but I knew that if I didn’t put the car on hold today, I would probably regret it. Still I find the whole process of signing contracts and paperwork to be extremely daunting. After sorting out some technical issues, we managed to get the ball rolling and Rod even put a personalised “SOLD” sign inside the car for me. I’ll be finalising the transaction and picking it up next week if all goes well.

On Friday night, I went to an RPM Express class with Laura at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne East. Being the Christmas holidays and also the fact that it was wet and humid outside, there was only 3 people in tonight’s class but it was no surprise. I was still determined to get a really good workout done and I decided to turn up the resistance quite a few times up to 40-50%. The mountain climbing sections were easily the hardest for me but I was burning heaps through my knees, glutes and thighs.

I was also more focused on the wattage display and tried hard to get it over 170-200W. I was a good feeling pushing myself as hard as I could on the bike and being an express class, it was much shorter than usual. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

2017 has been a year of major growth for me. From having the strength and courage to turn down and walk away from people and situations that no longer serve me well to having emotional breakdowns in front of my former personal trainer to getting counselling and a formal diagnosis for mild Autism. I've done a lot of personal development, worked on improving my mental health issues and put myself out of my comfort zone (Do It In A Dress charity event, work Christmas function, Yoga Retreat in Moggs Creek).

It's been a huge year for fitness, trying out new things (Strength & Conditioning, Bootcamp, CrossFit, Water Workout, Swimming, Spa and Sauna) and pushing myself really hard to achieve results. There's been plenty of bumps in the road along the way from changing gyms to yoga studios closing down but none of these things have hindered me.

It's been a really tough year financially for me but I've always tried to persevere and get myself through it. I didn't attend as many local gigs as I would have liked to this year but many hurdles got in the way. Hopefully my attendance will pick up in 2018 as I find a better way to balance my life. However, I feel like my contribution was still significant in terms of writing reviews, band promotion, buying merch and sharing band related posts.

Thank you to all of my family and friends for sticking by me and supporting me this year.

MY GOALS FOR 2018 SO FAR 1. Buying myself a new car, probably an ex-demo 2016 Hyundai i30 or similar at Cranbourne Hyundai.

2. Joining an art/painting/life drawing class in Berwick.

3. Travelling to places including Redwood Forest in East Warburton and Launceston, Tasmania.

4. Continuing to write blogs, reviews, interviews with Behind The Scene and supporting the local music scene. Increasing my attendance at local gigs.

5. Regular yoga classes with Keren Gurrieri at Body Yoga.

6. PT sessions/Group sessions at The Yard Strength & Fitness with Mandi Herauville and Erynne McCrorey.

7. Burning body fat and gaining lean muscle around the arms, legs, thighs, stomach, back, hips, glutes etc. Losing another 5-10kg.

8. Joining a support group to help with my mental health issues and emotional wellbeing e.g. GROW group, The Anxiety Disorders Association of Victoria (ADAVIC).

9. Joining another cooking class at Balla Balla Community Centre.

10. Continuing to work on improving my self-confidence, self-care and personal development to become a better person.

11. Continuing to attend Group Fitness classes and seminars at YMCA Casey ARC and YMCA Casey RACE. Trying new classes including Aqua Cycle, Aqua Yoga, Virtual fitness classes.

12. Volunteering at an Animal Shelter, caring for domestic pets.

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