#tl;dr: bug gets triggered by something that was meant in the kindest possible way

[silasbug]

i am angry at myself.

someone just told me that i am one of their favorite people and all i want to tell them is that "i am so fucking sorry".

because i've managed to fool someone again.

i know that i am not a good person. i am mediocre at best.

jesus christ. i can't keep doing this. it's so disingenuous. i manage to say the right thing so rarely that it sticks when i do and i am so fucking sorry to all the people that i've ever convinced that i was good, or kind, or anything better than i actually am, because i have hurt literally every single fucking one of those people.

i know that pain is inherent and people's expectations are their own, are on them, but there must be something i say or do that makes those people comfortable setting those expectations with me in the first place.

i feel like people see (or want to see) something in me, something kindred. they latch on and i let them believe that i am something good. then i just absolutely fucking let them down.

i do not deserve to be held in high regards by anyone.

my therapist told me that "if most people you talk to see you in a certain way then there's got to be some merit to it" but. no. fuck that. absolutely fucking fuck that. i have good traits but they don't necessarily make me a good person.

and i notice it and i feel it every time it happens. i become so apprehensive. i get so afraid and anxious about making new friends because i am terrified of it happening again. of someone latching on and putting so much goddamned faith in me (which i clearly cannot handle) that i internally curl and clam up like an armadillo anytime anyone talks to me.

it happens so rarely that it's immediately noticeable and overwhelming. i can't give half of these people what they want or need from me because i can barely take care of myself without wanting to sink into the ground and disappear.

i can't make anyone feel better.

so how do i keep making people think that i am anything but the sad little pile of decaying leaves that i actually am?

too caught up in trying to catch a breeze, to finally be scattered about the fields, no longer whole but separate, in hopes of finding peace because the whole clearly cannot.

i feel so goddamned guilty. all of the time.

and i.

i am tired.

#negative #tl;dr: bug gets triggered by something that was meant in the kindest possible way #i wrote this when i was really frustrated earlier but a lot of it still rings true to my more rational brain so i'm keeping it. #to look at what needs fixing. i suppose. #i permanently feel like a liar #i know that that is not rational #journal entry #personal #it's a fun little paradox being able to identify that 'i got triggered and this is irrational' but still reading and being like #'yup. you're a piece of shit.' #makes my head spin