#to fix my stupid fucking tooth gap. and braces are one of the fixes for a crossbite.

[transgaysex]

the crossbite stuff is a bit annoying but im trying very hard to apply my usual thought process of "if you can fix it then dont stress just fix it. if tou cant fix it then dont stress bc theres nothing to do" but it really is just :/

#wind howls #a guy gets self conscious. and im not a fan of my crooked smile #and also my jaw is constantly popping im startinf to think those 2 are related. i dont think it was always like this though #so i wonder what happened. and when. #im also a bit :( because some of the fixes for that arent. fun. #and this is just about me but my whole damn life my parents have been commenting about how i should get braces- #to fix my stupid fucking tooth gap. and braces are one of the fixes for a crossbite. #sure maybe i should be content that one day maybe ill knock two birds one stone but ill just feel mortified #i wish i could do that right now so my shit would like almost definitely get fixed before i finish my studies but. #man i do not have the money for that at all.

[peapod20001]

How Charlie carries himself: *strong tough badass man who loves his looks and is an accidentally amazing flirt that makes people fall head over heels*

How Charlie is/how he views himself: *bumps into table, drops something dramatically* “I’m a big ugly fool. I’m too tall. Oh dear god I am so fucking stupid looking dear god. My eyebrows are too thick and my hair looks absolutely stupid it’s horrible. I hate my tooth gap it makes me ugly but if I got braces to fix it I’d look worse” *easily flustered gay mess* “oh my god they’re looking at me they think I’m a freak. I’m a giant freak with one arm.” *covers insecurities with foundation. Would rather be in a room by himself*

#about my ocs #rip Charlie man

[princess-stabbity]

so i mentioned that i chipped my tooth

i’m going in to the dentist this morning and i’m kind of swamped with anxiety

not bc dentist well a lil bc dentist but bc the tooth i chipped was one of my front teeth bc ofc ourse it was and like.....i never got p much any dental care as a kid, including braces. now that i’m an adult who can choose to go to the dentist (read: beg my parents to take me and pay for me to go to the dentist) we’ve been talking cosmetic stuff (ie, braces and veneers) in addition to the medical stuff (eg, wisdom teeth) 

and i’ve been putting it off partly bc i loathe the idea of adult braces and partly bc i’m in this weird emotional bind about it all? 

bc on the one hand, i hate my fucking teeth, i hate how they look, i’m already so ugly without these front teeth that are like...both gapped and a lil smaller than average (so they look even more gapped) and i hate it i hate it i hate it. i’ve looked like this all my life and it stopped looking cute when i was four. i hate my smile so much that i try not to as much as possible and there’s something just....devastatingly sad about that. i mean, think about it: i hate the look of my teeth so much it’s become second nature to me to force down big smiles as much as possible (to the point i realized that i realized the expression no longer comes naturally to me and when i try to smile intentionally to be friendly i look like fucking toothless the dragon). i can;’t just unselfconsciously be happy for a fucking second; i hate my looks so much it dampers every little bit of happiness i have. 

but at the same time, that’s been a part of my face since i was a fucking kid, right? that’s such a huge part of what’s recognizably my fucing ugly face. my face. i hate my looks but if i permanently change such a huge part of them, who the fuck even am i. i’m not that kid anymore, for good and ill. 

it feels like cheating, somehow, and i don’t know why or why the idea upsets me. 

and now here i am, at nine in the fucking am, crying about it bc when fixing my tooth it seems like the most efficient thing to do would be to add the veneers like we talked abt (which, to be fair,, might also help protect the teeth) and i don’t know if i’m ready or why getting what i’ve wanted since i was a kid is causing me such mixed feelings 

it’s so petty, so shallow, so stupid, but if i’m being honest the only thing i’ve consistently wanted my entire life was to be pretty. this wouldn’t do it (too fat, too broad, too tall, sunken dark circles) but it would be a start. that should make me happy, or at least not conflicted like this. i don’t feel conflicted abt losing weight. maybe bc a long, long time ago i wasn’t fat? back in elementary school. 

abt the only comparison is the weird guilt i feel the rare times i try to cover up my dark circles with makeup. it never works (they’re not just dark, they’re sunken--the only way to truly be rid of them would be to fundamentally change the structure of my face), but even the thought of it makes me feel conflicted bc they’re so ugly but if i hide them they’re still there. when i wipe away the makeup, that’s still what i look like. they’re not gone, they’re just hidden, and hidden things come back.

but even the permanence feels scary bc what if i change my mind? what if veneers are awful. what if i ruin my teeth in this pursuit of beauty. 

and i think maybe....if i change them, it’s acknowledging i see it and i hate it? sure, everyone knows i’m ugly, but if i change them then everybody knows i know and hated it. it’s admitting i’m ugly. and somehow that’s devastating 

#i'm def taking xanax for this #that;s the one thing i know