#tw PPND

[peoplediedrobert]

I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Blues

A exploration of Aaron and postnatal depression

AO3 

*this fic will not be for everyone. It is a topic that is very near and dear to my heart because I suffered from (and still do really) postnatal depression for 18 months. I thought it would be interesting to work out my feelings through Aaron, as male postnatal depression is NEVER given the attention it deserves. Given his history (just like mine), he is a prime candidate for PPND. I hope you give it shot, and let me know what you think. Keep negative comments to yourself, though!* 

(If someone needs more info about postnatal depression or PPND, shoot me a message!)

It starts small, as these things often do. Seb had been living with Robert and Aaron only a few weeks when Aaron began waking up multiple times throughout the night, more often than not for no reason. Seb would be sound asleep, baby monitor softly crackling beside Robert’s head, but Aaron would strain his ears to make doubly sure Seb was fine. He would roughly wake up in a sweat, heart pounding, body twisted in the duvet, sometimes he even bolted straight up. This went on for weeks.

The lack of sleep became apparent immediately. Aaron’s sullen and sometimes dark attitude worsened with each day he survived on four hours (or less) of sleep. He was easily irritated by everyone, more so than usual. On more than one occasion he would snap at Robert or Liv over something insignificant and had to watch them curl up within themselves, eager to get away from Aaron’s sharp tongue. Aaron hated himself for that, but couldn’t stop it. His mind was on edge. It was like he had no control over his own mind or thoughts. He found himself staying at the scrapyard for even ten extra minutes, just to revel in the silence. The Mill was always loud. Seb was babbling or crying, Liv was listening to music at a ridiculous volume, and Robert was just always there, hovering. Double checking. Trying to soothe what he didn’t understand but only making it worse.

Aaron began skipping breakfast. He just wasn’t hungry, and if he stayed in bed, he had at least half an hour to himself every morning. At first, Robert would try to bring him a tray of food, joking about breakfast in bed for his beautiful husband but Aaron could do nothing but pick at the food, his appetite nonexistent. Robert stopped trying after a few days. Aaron found himself pulling away from Robert. The small touches they gave one another throughout the day--a hand on the small of a back, brushing up next to one another periodically, light squeezes of a hand in passing--became too much. His smile became an even rarer sight than before and he could feel himself becoming smaller and smaller, hunching over.

The moment he knew there was an actual problem was when he found himself getting irritated and angry when he heard Seb cry. It began to feel like Aaron had to physically force himself to pick Seb up and comfort him. It felt like he didn’t want to pick him up but knew he had to. The guilt gnawed at him for weeks--what kind of a bloke gets irritated at a baby? What kind of a bloke begins to resent the idea of caring for an innocent child who just wants love and attention?

Aaron didn’t understand. He was in a good place. He had worked hard to get to this healthy point in his life. The pain of the last year had taught him to open up just a bit more, to reach out rather than bottle it all up within himself. He felt like a failure. Maybe everything he had told Robert, over and over again, about not resenting Seb was a lie that he told himself because he missed Robert so much? There’s no way he could be a good father anyway, given his history, right? That voice in his head, fanning the fire of self doubt, got louder and louder every day. Aaron got the urge to run. To run as far as he could, as fast as he could, away from the stress, the noise, the way Robert and Liv began walking on eggshells around him. He wanted to feel the burn in his legs so maybe the constant and ever present anxiety in his head would go away. This was a problem.

It all comes to a head on a bright and cheery Sunday morning. After finally falling asleep as the sun rose, Aaron is awoken by the sound of Robert, Liv, and Seb at the breakfast table. Aaron sits up in bed, his eyes bleary and his head pounding. The night prior had actually been a good night--he’d gotten nearly five hours of sleep. Aaron heaves himself out of bed, throws on whatever clothes he can find and joins his family, feeling hungry for once. He notices immediately that everyone quiets down when he reaches the bottom of the stairs, all turning to look at Aaron. He gives them all a smile and he can physically feel the tension in the room dissipate (when did that happen? When did everyone look to Aaron to figure out how the day would go?) He sits down at the table, doing his best to insert himself in the conversation. Liv gives him small looks across the table, searching his face for signs of the old Aaron, a grumpy git to everyone else but a big softie when they were in their home. He tries hard to give her what she wants. He smiles and he asks questions and he ruffles Seb’s hair in passing. All of it feels like an act.

Shortly after breakfast, Robert suddenly looks to Liv and softly asks, “Can you take Seb to the pub to see Chas, or over to see Diane? Just for an hour or so.” The look on his face is so earnest, it’s impossible for her to say no. They gather up all the little things he might need and pack it in to the diaper bag. Liv gives Aaron a little hug and pushes the pram out the front door.

“What was that for, Robert? I thought you wanted to spend today as a family?” Robert says nothing. He guides Aaron to the couch and sits him down and takes a seat on the other side. The distance between them has never been greater, and Aaron wants to cry. Robert continues to sit in silence, clearly gathering his thoughts, opening and closing his mouth a few times until the anticipation gets to Aaron and he barks, “Would you please get on with it, Robert?” At that, Robert turns to Aaron and the world falls out from beneath him when Robert asks, “Do you regret this? Me and Seb? Do you want us to leave?”

Shock runs through Aaron and out of his mouth before he can think. “What are you on about, Rob? Where is this coming from?” “Aaron, I know you pretty well, surprisingly, and something isn’t right. And it hasn’t been right since Seb moved in with us. I know it was your idea, but I wouldn’t blame you if this is too much. We can always say we gave it a go again and it didn’t work.” Robert looks impossibly sad, and Aaron’s heart swells at the thought that Robert could put himself through this just so Aaron would be happy.

Aaron lurches forward and pulls Robert into a bone crushing hug. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t know what’s wrong, but it isn’t you, and it isn’t Seb.” He releases Robert and then taps the side of his own head as he says, “It’s something up here. I don’t know what’s happening. Maybe I’m not cut out for this but I don’t want you to go.” Robert looks deep in Aaron’s eyes, and immediately Aaron knows what the next question will be as he gestures at Aaron’s stomach.

“You haven’t…”

“No, Robert. I haven’t. But something is wrong and I don’t know what.”

“Well then we figure it out, together. I love you, Aaron and I want you to let me help.”

Aaron drags his hand across his face, wiping up the tears he didn’t even know he’d been shedding and takes a deep, ragged breath as he admits, “I think I need to see someone. At the very least I need to figure out what’s happening in my head.” He leans his head back against the couch, just enjoying the feeling of Robert rubbing his arm over and over. The exhaustion of the past few weeks settled over Aaron and he physically sags against its weight.

Aaron makes an appointment with his GP and has to force himself to go the morning of. As he arrives, his nerves are jumping. His foot jingles nervously against the floor until it is his turn to go back into the office. She welcomes him and gestures for him to sit down. “What brings you here today?”

Aaron doesn’t even know where to begin. How do you explain to a fellow adult that well, you aren’t sleeping well and you aren’t that hungry and you’re irritable? He would sound like he’s describing every teenager ever. “I don’t know. My partner and I took in his little boy to live with us full time. It was great in the beginning. We went through a rough patch last year but we got back together and everything was fine. Then…” Aaron stops, embarrassed at what he’s about to say.

“Aaron, I will help in every way that I can. But I need to know what’s happening.”

Another deep breath and he lets it all out. His struggles in the past, his sleeplessness now, how irritated he is at everything and everyone, most importantly how he has started to feel towards Seb. He recounts every moment of anxiety, every time he felt like clawing his own skin, every time he just wanted to run and never look back. Here he was in front of what was essentially a stranger, tears in a constant river down his face, laying himself bare. When he’s done, he just looks up to the doctor and is met with an immensely sympathetic face.

“I think the answer is rather more simple than you think, Aaron. From everything you’ve told me I think you’re suffering from postnatal depression, specifically paternal postnatal depression. Although it manifests itself in hundreds of ways, your sleeplessness, irritability and the inability to connect with Seb all point to that diagnosis.”

Aaron’s breathing slows and he looks at the doctor, confusion written all over his face. Without meaning to, and without understanding why, he begins to argue, “Isn’t that something only women get? He’s not biologically mine—why is this affecting me and not my partner?”

“Postnatal depression isn’t always about biology, Aaron. Yes, oftentimes when women suffer from it, it’s because of the hormonal changes in her body but it’s more than that. You’ve had your entire life interrupted by a very loud and very needy little human. Even if it was something you had prepared for, you don’t know how your brain will react when the baby actually gets here. More than that, It is common for someone with a history of depression to be affected—man or woman. You’ve done nothing wrong and this doesn’t mean you don’t love Seb or don’t want to care for him. That’s not how this works.”

Aaron lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He felt the weight lift from his shoulders and he sat up a bit straighter.

“There’s multiple ways we can treat this. Weekly counseling is your best bet, and there’s always medications we can try. If it helps, oftentimes postnatal depression lifts after the first year. There’s no reason to assume this is permanent. And you have nothing to apologize for. Now that you recognize the problem, you can begin to fix it.”

And that does it. Aaron’s face turns hot and the tears start falling all over again. That was his biggest fear—that this anxious, guilty, terrible feeling would be with him forever. That his brain could never just let him be.

The doctor hands him tissues and silently squeezes his hands. “We will solve this. Let’s make you some appointments. A more immediate ‘fix,’ if we could call it that, is that you have to get more sleep. Studies have shown that lack of sleep is the biggest trigger for postnatal depression. Make yourself a priority and this will pass.”

The drive home is mercifully long enough that Aaron can gather his thoughts. He can finally admit to himself how scared he had been of himself the last few weeks. He doesn’t even try to stop the tears making tracks down his face. It feels good to feel something other than anger and irritation.

When he arrives home, he sees Robert sitting on the couch, reading a book. He looks up when Aaron walks in through the front door and gives Aaron a small, cautious smile. “How did it go?” he asks. Aaron drops himself down next to Robert, thighs touching--he needs to feel connected to Robert again. He didn’t realize how far apart they had grown but now he feels it like a physical ache. He picks up Robert’s hands and intertwines their fingers.

“Turns out, and you may not believe this, but I’m normal.” Robert snorts and turns his head towards Aaron with a smile, “I don’t think either of us fit that description, but go on.” “The doc thinks I have paternal postnatal depression. So me being a mardy arse for these last few weeks is actually textbook.” Robert’s eyes go incredibly soft and he gives Aaron’s hand a squeeze as he continues. “I need to go to counseling once a week and possibly medication if it comes to that. Apparently with my history, this isn’t unheard of. So, now I know what the problem is. Also it’s been doctor approved that I need to get more sleep. So, I get all the lie-ins I want.” At that, Robert bursts out laughing and Aaron joins in. “Oh I see, you just wanted an excuse to be lazy,” Robert says teasingly. He gives Aaron a soft kiss, cradling his face in his hands. “We’ll get through this, Aaron. Together.”

Aaron continued to have bad days. He slept more, he took time for himself, he stopped taking the weight of the world on his shoulders, but he still had bad days. Days where everyone irritated him and he wanted to run, but instead of turning inward, he made an appointment or he talked to Robert, or he played in the garden with Seb or he played endless amounts of video games with Liv. Slowly and surely, the fog lifted and Aaron smiled more. He laughed more and felt like a normal human again. And the next time they bring a baby home, Aaron feels immensely more prepared.

#Aaron dingle #seb white #Robert sugden #tw mental health #tw PPND #tw depression #robron #robron fanfic #my terrible writing #postnatal depression #postpartum depression #seriously do not come for me #fanfic #myterriblewriting