#tysm for the ask!!! kyman will be the death of me istg

[numbknee]

omg more kyman headcanons please, your last ones were *chef’s kiss*

aaaaaa I am SO SORRY I completely missed this ask so apologies if this is a million years late 😭🙏

but alas....I do have many kyman headcanons rattling around in my brain (and a lot of them are displayed in my fics so this is a shameless plug to read those lol...also a lot of this is very horny so I apologize in advance)

when kyle and cartman finally get together, a lot of their external dynamic doesn't really change that much. I adore this post by sludgescribble because it perfectly exemplifies how I see established relationship kyman: arguing until the cows come home but still holding hands. still being huge fuckin idiots, still obsessed with each other, still very much in love

I like the idea of kyle going into counseling or something else psychology-related because of the post-covid specials (and also i'm a psychology ho), but I can't for the life of me imagine an actual career that cartman would settle on.

I would think cartman would be the type to do odd-jobs for his whole life, never settling on one thing but jumping around from place-to-place where he thinks he would make the most money in the quickest amount of time possible, maybe running a drug ring or a dog-fighting circuit or whatever before moving on to the next thing. either that.... or he just becomes a fuckin rabbi lmao. I totally lost my shit at that in the post-covid episode because it was the COMPLETE fucking opposite of what I (and I'm sure a lot of other viewers) expected from him. but leave it to cartman to keep us on our toes every goddamn step of the way. also I'm sorry but rich CEO cartman just doesn't do it for me. he needs to be in a position of power, but simultaneously that position needs to be... kind of lame and unconventional.... like a mall cop or some shit. hahahaha

(now onto shmekshy stuff again I'M SORRY) kyle takes a while to admit to himself how much he's physically attracted to cartman because... denial and conventional beauty standards are strong forces to be reckoned with. but once he does, he's fuckin OBSESSED. all of cartman's thick, muss-able hair, his deceptively cute and innocent-looking face and huge brown puppy-dog eyes, every curve and swell of soft flesh on cartman's body... kyle goes FUCKING INSANE whenever they get intimate because he's subconsciously making up for all the time he missed being in denial lol. also he's more similar to his dad than he likes to admit: he likes his lovers strong-willed and chubby... lmaooooo

I may have implied this before but cartman is actually a HUUUUGE masochist. he's shown to have some sadistic tendencies in the show (see all of ginger cow) but the underlying vibe I get is that his performative sadism is a huge cope for what he ACTUALLY wants, because we've been shown that he gets off of being taken advantage of (i'm SO SORRY for that link) which.... is kind of fucked up but hey kinks are like that sometimes. and god knows this kid has an insanely fucked-up relationship to sex in general (which I also wrote a fic about lol. also kyle is a sadist in denial too LOOOOOL)

they end up doing A LOT of shit together throughout the course of their relationship. they travel the world. they stop the world from exploding a few times. they nearly kill each other on several occasions. they save each other's lives on even more occasions. they go to other planets because eventually the tom-fuckery of their hometown becomes too much to be self-contained. they somehow destroy reality but end up stitching it whole again at the same time. and through it all.... they stay together. because they both know deep down that they simply cannot live in a world without the other. they are irrevocably intertwined. think that quote of stephen colbert talking about his wife but like slightly more fucked up and with a few poop jokes thrown in

#ask #anon #tysm for the ask!!! kyman will be the death of me istg #my post