#ugh fine ill just study for my lsats

[flergblerg]

Sometimes I think, the professor life doesn’t seem too bad, but then I think about having to get a PhD, doing tons of research and dealing with undergrads just to get underpaid and to watch the football and basketball coaches make more than 10x your salary with a fraction of your effort and education level and get more valued and liked by the school

#dont professors ever get bitter about that?!? i would #just quarantine thoughts #but i cant settle for just an undergrad deg in my major #ugh fine ill just study for my lsats #college #grad school #law school

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

My will to live is so low. I feel like everything is so unfair and overwhelming and hard and ugh. What keeps you going? What inspires you to run far, study hard, & be adventurous? I want to see the adventure in life, but everything just feels so uneccessarily difficult. Every time I start getting it together, something new destroys it. I feel like you can kinda relate, but you seem to be handling life's struggles much better than I am. Thanks, love u.

*hug*

okay, the first key is that there are many times where I also feel like Everything Sucks and There’s No Fucking Point™️ especially during this quarantine period I have found myself often spiraling into existential dread...so basically my point is that making the choice to keep going doesn’t mean I’m feeling stoked on life all the time, sometimes that’s the choice you make because realistically what other choice is there? My point is not to downplay those feelings, rather to say that you don’t need to (*shouldn’t) wait until you feel overwhelming optimism and drive to start doing the things that are going to push you forward in life, sometimes you just have to do the stuff even if it feels pointless

I want to preface this by saying I absolutely by no means think mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc.) is a choice but I DO think the way you cope with it is up to your choosing. For instance, lately I’ve found myself absolutely bugging out around meal times trying to decide what to eat and if I don’t consciously stop myself for a second and breathe and remind myself I CAN choose to chill the fuck out for a sec, the world isn’t ending, everything is fine etc., I will immediately go into panic freak out mode because that’s just what I’ve trained myself to do. I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you feel those bad What’s The Point vibes creeping in you can follow them in a downward spiral of negativity or you can choose to tell yourself that that is not going to lead anywhere good and instead focus on the positives even if it feels dumb! or pointless! (easier said than done, I know, and I’m not saying that if you just change your thought process you will cure depression but I think you can try to spin things a tiny bit which might help a tiny bit)

Another thing, cliche, but it helps is to remember that you’re still here. There have probably been 3242342 times you have felt like life just sucks but I’m SURE there are other times that come after/inbetween those when you’re like wow I actually feel pretty good rn. So if right now you are in one of those bad spots, it isn’t gonna last forever.

Also, sometimes I get frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more to feel better or whatever but sometimes your brain is just having a shit time and literally you just need to do whatever you can to get through it. I know personally my OCD/anxiety/food issues flare up when I’m stressed and sometimes that stress is obvious and easy to pinpoint like the first week of classes but other times its quieter (i.e. studying for the lsat for months) and I could spend every day beating myself up for not feeling ~happier~ and working to feel better or whatever but in reality sometimes I just need to wait for the stressful time to be over and then my brain goes back to its normal spot on its own and I just feel better

That’s not to say that mental illness is gonna fix itself but if you are in a stressful time (i.e. a pandemic is happening) I think it’s reasonable to think that you are probably going to feel better at least a little bit when it’s done because it is likely contributing to the bad vibes you are feeling (and don’t beat yourself up for feeling like you can’t just wake up tomorrow feeling super happy)

Also I have this idea in my head that one day I’ll write a memoir and when things are absolute shit I think well that will make a good story at least (lol)

Idk. Sometimes things just suck. I could tell you to make gratitude lists and listen to a happy song and call a friend and yes go ahead do those things BUT sometimes things just suck! I don’t always see the beauty in things! and that’s okay! I keep going when it’s hard because I know it hasn’t always been hard and it won’t always be hard. 

I would also HIGHLY recommend stepping back from social media or at least reevaluating who you follow because I know a big source of my own stress can sometimes come from seeing other people seemingly so happy about everything and then feeling upset that I don’t feel as happy about those things. Like when Jared and I moved in together seeing other couples seemingly in these perfect relationships made me feel like I was doing something wrong and just needed to be more appreciative etc. but no! I’m only seeing a snippet of other people’s lives! I know we all know this rationally about social media but it’s easy to forget. And when you’re having a hard time and it SEEMS like everyone else is doing well it’s easy to be even harder on yourself and think you’re doing something wrong. You aren’t. I promise.

And of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t suggest talking to a therapist, a loved one, someone you trust about this. Take care of yourself

#answered