#we started going to therapy because of random Blackout periods

[livingfictionsystem]

Let me guess: You're "self-diagnosed"?

Lemme guess, you "Tell it like it is"?

Why are you even trying to act like this line of interrogation will change the course on how you view us? Just tell us what you think you know about us better than our therapist, say that psychology is a lie, and bounce.

☄️🏌‍♂️

To everyone else, I could post a nice official-looking doc to have the own on Random Harasser #91. Buuuuut the fact is that the process of getting diagnosed costs hella money and having it on your record can fuck you up on judgments and custody battles and such, and people like this will still treat you the same. Nothing I say, from posting documented proof, to having my therapist call them and sing my dx's to the tune of Old McDonald is going to stop this person from harassing people living their lives with mental illness.

If you're thinking about putting yourself through that just to stop being fakeclaimed, don't. People see us a few steps above being institutionalized and think they've been bamboozled lmaoooo

-Sparrow 🧷

#we started going to therapy because of random Blackout periods #my guy arrived at the conclusion before we did #as for the bpd #i once tried to set myself on fire #because i didn’t feel good enough #so that's a p fair conclusion tbh #disassociative identity disorder #borderline personality disorder #self diagnosis #ask #tw fakeclaiming

[beca]

Two weeks ago, I celebrated one whole year in that little Southwest Atlanta house I own. Since moving in, I cycled through one roommate and recently acquired a new one (Rebekah, who is the best and also took this insane picture, during which Moose inserted his overgrown toenail claws between two rib bones of hers. She swears she wasn’t angry about it, saying she grew up with cats and is used to their fits of random violence. Did I mention she’s the best). Speaking of, I also welcomed Moose into my heart and home, as well as Kevin’s (the two give each other showers when not participating in relay races). It’s been a doozy but I love it. Building a home — piece by piece, check by check, YouTube tutorial by YouTube tutorial — has been immensely rewarding, made all the more so because of the early naysayers. 

Although extremely frustrating and upsetting at the time, last summer I didn’t realize but I was naturally whittling down my inner circle. A number of close friends urged me to consider purchasing a condo instead of a house — smaller, more manageable for just one person. It’s true I’m one of few people I know who entered the ranks of homeownership as a single person, but I don’t see how that matters. I take pride in solving problems, maintaining, cleaning, personalizing. And since I do so without having to consider the 50 percent weigh-in of a partner, that means it’s totally mine. How is that a bad thing?

Regardless, I do get a lot of help from my family and a tighter-knit network of friends, sans judgement. It’s been a tough pill to swallow — letting go of some of these other friendships, through homeownership resistance and other instances lacking mutual support — but that seems to be the pattern of growing up. We have less spare time, energy, resources to support a rambling, widespread quilt of acquaintances so we home in on those rooted in healthy symbiosis. The drifting doesn’t have to be malicious (I hope not, at least), it’s just natural as growth corkscrews in different, often deviating directions.

Another new direction, too: I recently returned to full-time freelancing. I really enjoyed my time at the agency, learning the ropes of marketing and associated copywriting. However, when a part-time opportunity literally fell into my lap with NYLON, I felt like I couldn’t pass. Add on top of that a number of editors I admire from publications I grew up adoring reaching out to me, and... well, how could I not? I worried if I kept ignoring the phone, eventually it would stop ringing. Currently I have a low mortgage, good health, no children, no partner who needs financial support (lucky this dude seems to have everything handled himself), no pressing debt, etc. — now is the time, etc.

I’m finally getting healthy, as well. I wish I looked into it earlier, but after a year and a half of therapy, I visited a psychiatrist to explore medicinal options. I learned I have a major anxiety disorder, which I’m sure any ex-boyfriend could have probably told you before. A doctor prescribed me a moderate dose of Lexapro to try, in addition to other holistic measures like keeping up with therapy, exercise, sleep, and so on. Even just a little introspection has helped me realize a number of unhealthy ways I coped with the anxiety before I understood what it was, namely imbibing in alcohol past the point of control. Though I’m leaps and bounds from the multiple weekly blackouts of when I was living in Brooklyn (and waking up in strange places, next to strange men. It’s truly amazing I survived all that), I still have occasional slips and lose entire days thanks to panic attacks taking full control. I’ve thought I was getting better or cutting back — THIS TIME FOR REAL — before, but this time really DOES feel for real. Starting medication and self-analysis is helping me gain monumental control compared to where I was even a month ago. So that is good.

I feel like my life is aligning somewhat with the calendar’s seasons. It’s late summer; still hot but the raucous fun is starting to thin as nights grow cooler and ads for back-to-school supplies stuff our mailboxes. It’s a period of reflection, which can be hard but ultimately cannot be skipped. Such Q&A within your own brain and heart is paramount to building the foundation for a successful year, which always seems to start in August, according to my subconscious.

Anyway! Here’s some stuff I published recently I’m pretty proud of:

Bon Appétit: Everything About Rap Snacks is Amazing GQ: What is a Recovering Fuckboy and Do You Know One? Rolling Stone: ‘A Piece of Work’: Inside Abbi Jacobson’s New Art Podcast NPR Music: Songs We Love: BOSCO’s ‘Adrenaline’ 

Oh! And in March of this year, I started dating a man I’ve known and considered a best friend since I was 15 and we had newspaper class together. I totally love him and he helps keep me grounded while also challenging me on the regular. Among various said challenges, he’s helping me learn piano. We jam out every so often, sipping the delicious Old Fashioneds he makes — or seltzer. He’s also making me watch Game of Thrones and weirdly I don’t hate it. Who am I??

Here’s a track to leave y’all. I hope to start more regularly blogging again. To keep myself accountable, and for whoever wants to follow along. Maybe no one — and TBH, that’s fine, too.

#musings #kevin