#whatever if im too fucked up to 'truly' 'emotionally' be compassionate and caring

[get-more-bald]

the thing is that I'm constantly in a fandom mood to distract myself from everything. but when I fall out of that mood I just think I'm worthless for not having a personality beyond chronically online idiot.

#im falling out of the mood rn oops oops #wow i fucking hate myself! thats nit good but whatever #the thing is that i just generally dislike people simply because they are people (ie not me). i dont know what they are what they think and #how theyre going to act. i dislike myself simply because of self loathing #also yeah if the disliking people thing makes me a worthless asshole allright #i hate people as a mass. i do like people individually. i make an effort to care #whatever if im too fucked up to 'truly' 'emotionally' be compassionate and caring #fucked up ie. mentally diverse i guess #it actually takes effort for some of us susan. i dont think my effort to care and talk and be compassionate to people i like is less worthy #than your 'effortless' compassion and caring #its like that fucking quote i hate. is it better to be born good or to achieve goodness with great effort #mine #vent #delete later #also im actually just realizing i dont have many friends (like 1) might be because talking and caring about this 1 and the people i have to #live with and interact with daily independent of my like/dislike for them is just so tiring i cant bring myself to talk to more people #also. people from my home. i do like you in general i just dont consider us friends

[perpetually-sad-but-its-fine]

chicago pd 10x12

im not ready in the slightest

i do not want to see sean o’neal’s ass on my screen

this beginning is great

hailey sleeping in a bed by herself

OH MY GOD WAIT

HAILEY AND VANNESSA

MY BABIES

WE DESERVED MORE OF THEM

im going feral over a picture

these piCTURES

is that a picture of jay as a kid???

I WANTED TO SEE IT MORE CLOSELY

ALL OF JAYS STUFF

IS COFFEE MUG

good god

o’neal

back the fuck up

nobody likes you

god

hailey

my GOD

JAY PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE

COME ON HALSTEAD

SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER 

hailey excitedly looking at the phone only for it to be county jail???

im done

i can't

trudyyyyyy

trudy and hailey my mother-daughter duo

GOD SHES STILL WEARING THE RING

IM IN PAIN

oh fuck you

i hate you

so much

so so so so much

like

fuck off

ugh

‘you came’

SHUT YOUR ASS UP

NOW

oh my god

i hate him so much

and hes barely said anything

‘there is no you and me!’

HER VOICE BREAKING

THE TEARS IN HER EYES

attagirl hailey

as you fuckin should

‘things you could use’

i'll use your face to mop the fuckin floor with your blood

no

stop it

CHICAGO PD

LEAVE HER ALONE GODDAMMIT

i hope you die

genuinely

dammit this isn't gonna go well

hes telling the truth

i don't want him to be telling the truth

but he is

i can feel it

this is already scaring me and she hasn't gone inside yet

OH MY GOD BLOOD

hailey please be careful

what the fuck?

what's this

OH MY GOD

WHATS HAPPENING

no this poor child

noooooooo

im emotionally invested already

agh

why must this hurt me so much

hailey being a compassionate, lovely person

i love her

aW GOD

THIS POOR CHILD

he is scarred

truly

seeing voight interact with this child is truly heart-warming

i wanna see him interact with his grand

whatever happened with olive and little baby daniel anyways?

goddammit

im hurT

callum is gonna get hurt at some point during this episode, isn't he?

HIS HAND WAS SHAKING

THIS POOR KID

oh the hug

im too weak

stop

‘creepy clown masks’

i hate it

so much

this kid is a good actor

trudyyyy

i always love seeing trudy interact with kids

oh god

voight sending hailey back to sean

i don't like it

oh a lovely start

sean

shut the fucK UP

i hate him

so so so so so so much

i want to kill him

SEAN

LEAVE HER ALONE

no

don't trust him

fucker

ill murder you in your sleep

ugh

ew

‘to share them with me’

the look of disgust on everyone’s face

lovely

i despise all of this

the father of samantha’s here

yay

more pain

good god

lady

shut the fuck up about my wife

she did not ask for this

‘hes a psychopath’

and what are you exactly?

kim and adammmm

the look of murder on lim’s face is so true

i love it

‘i will get it all... for you’

SHUT THE FUCK UP

adam looks like he wants to punch him

id pay good money to see that

this isn't gonna end well

i do not like this conversation

not in the slightest

oh ew

no

no

no

disgusting

*gagging sounds*

im gonna throw up

actually

ugh

no

stop

stoP IT

E W

S T O P

no

im actually so repulsed

i will throw up

hailey

don't do something stupid

or rash

oh good

he stopped

my skin is still crawling

nope nvm

its still crawling

i wanna tear my hair out

father

tell the truth

please

oh god

god im actually gonna throw up

TELL THE TRUTH RICHARD

P L EA SE

TELL THE TR U T H

oh lovely

somethings gonna go wrong

and she won't be there

or she’ll be dead

please keep my babies safe

please

she isn't there

i fuckin knew it

so fuckin convenient

how do the becks fit?

richard beck prolly did something

tell the truth man

please

help t h e m

yea richard

why are you lying

tell the goddamn truth

hailey’s gonna come with some sort drop on richard

oh no nvm

its something else

something’s gonna go wrong here too

yay

shootout

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING TO GO WRONG

joy

one of them’s dead

this chase isn't gonna end well

something’s gonna happen

oh lovely

the van flipped

what're the chances both of them are dead?

oh gunshots

yay

oh samantha

my poor child

oh no

noooooo

samantha

god

i want an explanation to all of this

don't lie samantha

how convenient that both of them are dead

this is something else

i knew that there’s something wrong with the dad

‘you want us to keep an eye on him?’

‘you’re damn right’

lovely

can't wait to see where this goes

its gonna come up later, i can feel it

how come her HUSBANDs name in her phone is ‘jay halstead’

it should've been ‘hubby’

or ‘handsome’

or ‘baby’

or ‘detective hotstead’

dammit

hailey getting so excited with the phone ringing only to find out that its the county jail

‘my husband is jay halstead’

IM CRYING

her voice breaking and shaking

im not okay

no

shes about to cry

EXTENSION????

NO

PLEASE NO

IM CRYING

STOP

STOP

STOP

NO THE RING

STOP IT

I HATE EVERYTHING

sean i despise you with everything that i have

i would like to kill you

god that scar on his head scares me

sean

shut the fuck up

idk how many times ive said that

but shut up

‘its a good speech but youre giving it to the wrong person’

IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REFERENCE TO JAY??

CUZ ILL KILL HIM

chicago pd writers better sleep with one eye open

im coming for you

#*kissy kissy* watches chicago pd #chicago pd 10x12 #chicago pd spoilers #hailey upton #adam ruzek #hank voight #kim burgess #dante torres #trudy platt

[gibbyj]

goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.

#with this goodbye i change my life